By Montykins
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.Jaime is not doing well without his hand. Well, he's still got it, but it's not doing him much good hanging from a string around his neck. He tries fighting back, but he's not very good with just his left hand, so he ends up face down in the mud repeatedly. He's even ready to give up and stop eating, but Brienne talks him into staying alive so he can get revenge on those who have wronged him. So he's doing a little better than Theon, because it turns out his mysterious savior was just leading him back to the torture room to mess with him.
There's lots of fun going on in King's Landing, mostly centered around Margaery Tyrell, who is getting a lot done. She gets Joffrey to go outside and wave at the crowd, which makes Cersei pretty angry. She complains to Tywin, but Tywin doesn't much care about the bond between a mother and her son. Margaery also chats up Sansa Stark and asks her if she'd like to marry Ser Loras (the Knight of the Flowers) and move to Highgarden to see all the delightful celebrations. She'd like that very much, as it happens. But Varys knows that Littlefinger is planning to take Sansa on his trip to the Eyrie. Also, he's got a sorcerer in a box.
Up north, the Night's Watch is starting to feel that Craster is not being the most gracious host. So they complain until he throws them out. Then one of them stabs him. Lord Commander Mormont tries to get his men under control, so he gets stabbed. Then things get out of hand, so Sam runs out the door. Good thinking, Sam! He grabs Gilly and her newborn son and they get out of the chaos. And into more chaos, probably.
Okay. So, you remember Daenerys? And the way that slave master kept insulting her in a language he assumed she didn't speak? Well, it was Old Valyrian, which is something Targaryens are familiar with. But she goes ahead with the exchange, in which she gets control of over eight thousand trained soldiers and the slave master gets to hold a chain attached to a dragon. And then the show gets awesome, because the dragon burns him to death and the Unsullied kill everyone and the dragon flies around just burning the city. It's pretty great. She frees her army, but they all still follow her anyway.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!This week, the opening credits include King's Landing, Harrenhal, Riverrun, Winterfell, the Wall and Astapor. That's all the same stuff from last week. I guess it isn't quite fair that I get impatient when the credits stay the same for two episodes in a row. But that's where we're at. I demand more travel! There isn't even anyone at Winterfell right now, and the Wall characters are at Craster's farm. There are people at Harrenhal, but no one we really care about. I just wish they'd switch it up already.
The show opens on a severed hand, which has been hung around Jaime Lannister's neck. It's nice that they let him keep it, but I bet it smells pretty bad. His captors speculate about how many of the hand's fingers could fit up Jaime's ass, and one of the riders asks if Cersei has maybe loosened him up for them. So I guess the rumors about Jaime and Cersei have spread pretty much everywhere. Jaime slumps off his horse and falls into the mud. I didn't mention that there was mud, but you can usually just assume it. He struggles up to his knees and asks for some water. One of the goons dumps some water over Jaime's head, which is probably not exactly what he was after. Although it might help wash some of that mud off his face. Someone else brings him something to drink. And after he's started gulping it down, the man says, "Can't say that I've ever seen a man drink horse piss that fast." Boy, Jaime's having a tough season so far, isn't he? I'm sure it's going to turn around for him, though. Keep a positive outlook, Jaime!
By this time, the bandits have surrounded Jaime and are mocking him. I don't know if they're technically bandits, but it's close enough. The point is that they're close enough to him that he can grab a sword and defend himself. Remember how he did that when he was being guarded by Brienne? She won that fight, and now he's facing many more people and he's missing a hand. So it does not go nearly as well. For a second, it looks like he's holding them off, but he gets kicked into the mud again. And again. Brienne jumps off her horse and tries to defend him, but her hands are still tied, so it's not that hard to keep her back. Once Jaime stops getting up from the mud, he gets kicked in the ribs a couple of times. The main baddie steps on Jaime's wrist until he lets go of the sword. Jaime gets warned, "Do that again and we'll take your other hand." Brienne gets dragged back to her horse. There's a nice shot of Jaime with his hand. Poor Jaime. Poor Kingslayer.
King's Landing! Specifically, Varys's chambers! Tyrion would like to speak "in confidence" with Varys to see if he knows who might have been trying to kill Tyrion at Blackwater. Besides Stannis's army, I mean. Varys is using a crowbar to open a large crate, which will provide the background action during this scene. See, people don't just have sex on this show! Sometimes they open boxes! Tyrion wonders if Varys knows of Cersei's intentions. He has guesses, of course, but Varys has no proof, only whispers. And then he asks Tyrion if he'd like to hear the story of how he was cut. That seems like a weird topic of conversation, but Tyrion did bring it up a lot last season. Varys begins, "As a boy, I traveled with a troupe of actors." And then a man made his master an offer. Varys assumed he was going to be raped, but it was much weirder. He'd been bought by a sorcerer, who gave Varys a potion that immobilized him. Then he cut off his manly business with a big hooked knife and burned them. Huh. Sorcerers have weird hobbies. Anyway, the point is that the flame burned blue and a spooky voice emanated therefrom, and Vary still dreams of the voice. And Varys hates magic, which is why he was eager to fight against Stannis and his black magic.
King's Landing! Specifically, Varys's chambers! Tyrion would like to speak "in confidence" with Varys to see if he knows who might have been trying to kill Tyrion at Blackwater. Besides Stannis's army, I mean. Varys is using a crowbar to open a large crate, which will provide the background action during this scene. See, people don't just have sex on this show! Sometimes they open boxes! Tyrion wonders if Varys knows of Cersei's intentions. He has guesses, of course, but Varys has no proof, only whispers. And then he asks Tyrion if he'd like to hear the story of how he was cut. That seems like a weird topic of conversation, but Tyrion did bring it up a lot last season. Varys begins, "As a boy, I traveled with a troupe of actors." And then a man made his master an offer. Varys assumed he was going to be raped, but it was much weirder. He'd been bought by a sorcerer, who gave Varys a potion that immobilized him. Then he cut off his manly business with a big hooked knife and burned them. Huh. Sorcerers have weird hobbies. Anyway, the point is that the flame burned blue and a spooky voice emanated therefrom, and Vary still dreams of the voice. And Varys hates magic, which is why he was eager to fight against Stannis and his black magic.
Tyrion tries to bring the conversation back to himself because he wants revenge against whoever tried to have him killed. Varys counsels patience. When the sorcerer threw him out on the street (sorcerers are also litterbugs!), he resolved to live and became an excellent thief. He learned that the contents of a man's letters can be more powerful than the contents of his purse. He moved from the slums of Myr all the way to the Small Council chamber. Varys explains, "Influence grows like a weed. I tended mine patiently until its tendrils reached from the Red Keep all the way across to the far side of the world. Where I managed to wrap them around something very special." He finally opens the box, which contains: an old man. Tyrion realizes that this is the sorcerer from earlier. Varys says, "I have no doubt the revenge you want will be yours in time. If you have the stomach for it." He closes the box again. I enjoyed that more than that sorcerer did, I suspect.
Night's Watch. They're shoveling pig shit at Craster's farm. Morale is not high, and I can see why. This isn't the glamorous life they were promised when they were told they had to join the Night's Watch or get executed. One unnamed fellow grouses, "We need to get out of here." He and someone else don't like that Lord Commander Mormont won't let them go. I'm going to call them Grouser and Griper. And I'm not going to pay any attention to which is which, so some of the other men might get called that too. They're just an undifferentiated mass of Gripers and Grousers now. Their main gripe (and grouse) is that Mormont is the one who sent them to the Fist of the First Men, and that was just a nightmare fight against snow zombies. So they're losing confidence in his judgment. They're also convinced that Craster will serve them up to the Walkers, given half a chance. A Griper says, "If we want to live, we'll have to look out for ourselves."
Gilly is in a tent with her baby son. Sam comes in and the baby wakes up and starts screaming. So Gilly starts frantically soothing him, which is not an easy thing to do. Normally, "frantic" and "soothing" don't go together. Gilly says she hasn't given the baby a name yet, since he's just going to be left outside in the snow by Craster. And she gives Sam back his thimble because she's more interested in having her baby saved. She turns away from Sam so she can give the baby all her attention. Her logic is that he'll be dead soon, and she wants as much time with him as she can get.
Bran runs through the forest, so we're in a dream sequence. Normally I dislike dream sequences, but Bran's dreams are at least relevant to the plot. He's chasing that three-eyed crow somewhere above him. Jojen appears to Bran to deliver standard spirit guide dialogue like, "You have to go after him." Bran has to climb a tree. And he does, clambering up like a monkey. The crow is waiting for him on a big branch, which Bran walks out onto. But his mother is there! MOM! STAY OUT OF MY DREAMS! She yells at him, "How many times have I told you? No! Climbing!" She shouts at him to promise her he won't climb anything, then she pushes him off the tree. Kind of a jerk move. It's not like he climbs things when he's awake, since his legs only work in dreams.
Bran wakes up at the fire. He looks at Jojen. Jojen looks back. That's about it.
Enough with them. Back to King's Landing, where Varys is interviewing Roz about Podrick. Apparently the word has gotten out that Tyrion's seemingly mild-mannered squire is actually great at sex. Roz says the ladies he was with say he's "no larger than usual, apparently," but is "the most extraordinary man they've ever had." There are no details because it's "hard to describe." That's not very satisfying, from a storytelling point of view. Varys reflects, "Prodigies appear in odd places." And Littlefinger isn't abreast of this piece of gossip because he's distracted with his impending trip to the Eyrie. Varys asks, "Is that all it takes to make our friend lose interest in Sansa Stark?" Roz doesn't think he's lost interest at all because he's bringing two feather beds on the boat. Which is one bed more than he usually sleeps in. I feel like I might be overexplaining this plot point. Roz thinks Littlefinger won't be bringing one of his girls "because I'm one of his girls." I think what she means is that she's Number One Whore, so she's the only one he'd bring.
Now we see Margaery Tyrell and Joffrey Baratheon (but everyone knows it's really Lannister), through a grid of some sort. Joffrey says that Rhaenyra Targaryen was murdered by her brother Aegon, and this turns out to be a POV shot from the point of view of her ashes. They're going through the Great Sept of Baelon, which is the giant church where they'll be married. But Joffrey is more interested in giving her a tour of the dead people. They're all historically important, and most of them died in horrible ways. Margaery acts completely fascinated by everything Joffrey is saying.
Elsewhere in the Sept, Olenna Tyrell and Cersei Lannister (although she was married to Robert Baratheon, so should her last name still be Lannister?) are talking about the impending wedding ceremony itself. The Sept has room for 700 guests, and they agree that that's easily enough to hold all the important people. Everyone else can wait outside and be jealous that they're not in the MVP area. Joffrey shows Margaery the urn that holds the ashes of a Targaryen who drank wildfire, thinking it would turn him into a dragon. It did not. Margaery claims it's "like taking a walk through history" and Cersei does not quite roll her eyes. Cersei tells Olenna that King Robert's remains aren't here because they were returned to Storm's End. Olenna comments that hunting and drinking don't mix. And her son Mace, who allegedly laid siege to Storm's End, did nothing: "All he laid siege to was the banquet table in the command tent." Cersei is a little surprised at Olenna's bluntness, just like everyone else. Olenna says, "He had no business fighting an actual warrior." Then she bonds a little with Cersei: "We mothers do what we can to keep our sons from the grave." Cersei agrees, but complains, "And yet the world belongs to them." Yeah, she'd be much better at being king than Joffrey's been. Although I don't think it would be safe to create a system where you got to rule a country just because you married someone who then died. That seems rife for abuse. But Olenna agrees that the current system, in which men rule everything no matter how dumb they are, is "a ridiculous arrangement, to my mind." I think she's putting ideas in Cersei's head.
The most recent Targaryens (including the Mad King) are also kept here. Joffrey says the High Septon convinced his father (Robert, not Jaime) to keep their remains here. Margaery thinks it's a good idea, even though they were mad, since their ancestors built this place. She says, "Sometimes severity is the price we pay for greatness." Joffrey likes the sound of this, since it's the sort of thing he tells himself. There's the noise of crowds outside, and Margaery wants to go talk to them. Joffrey tries to conceal the fear he feels at the concept, and the actor does a great job of conveying that. Margaery tells him, "You led the defense of King's Landing. They adore you." This torrent of obvious lies matches up very well with what Joffrey would like to believe is the truth, so it works on him.
Joffrey composes himself and directs the doors to be opened. This is the first Cersei has heard that they'll be opening the doors to the rabble, and she's quite alarmed by it. Margaery looks over her shoulder at Cersei as the doors open. And there's a shot of Margaery and Joffrey from behind with the two of them backlit that is exactly the cover of The Princess Bride. I like the use of a romantic image to highlight a triumph of manipulation. Cersei tells Joffrey to wait, but they walk out. They're on the steps and the crowd is waving and shouting, "King Joffrey!" Margaery smiles at him and waves to the crowd. Joffrey catches on and also waves. She's clearly manipulating him, but I think she's also providing a civilizing influence. At least he's not threatening to behead the entire city this time, right? If Joffrey can be trained to smile and wave, he'll at least look sort of like a king.
These scenes with Margaery are just great. And they're almost all new material, as the way the books are structured, they don't really allow for a scene between just Margaery and Joffrey. Or, for that matter, the scene between Margaery and Renly where she made it clear that she would do anything to be queen, even participate in a three-way with her own brother. I think her character is a lot more interesting and clearly drawn here, and that's a sign of a great adaptation. The show isn't just translating the books to a new medium; it's actually building on what was there before.
Theon is riding through the woods with his unknown savior. He'd like to know how far it is to Deepwood Motte, and the savior assures him that it won't be far. And his sister Yara will be waiting there. He's helping Theon because he grew up in Saltcliffe and knows that Theon is Balon Greyjoy's last living son. Theon says that his torturers kept telling him that Balon knew what they were doing to him, but his savior doesn't know if that's true. He says he wasn't told much. They hop down a wall and sneak up on a back entrance to a tower. As the savior picks the lock, he warns Theon that some of the men will be loyal to Balon and some will be Yara's men. I'm not sure what that matters, unless the idea is that Theon's been tortured under Balon's instruction.
They go into a dark tunnel and Theon whines about his father not trusting him. And then he moves on to his real issue: "I could never be a Stark." Robb Stark reminded him of that every day just by existing. Theon continues his theme, saying he was given a choice of whether to be Stark or Greyjoy, and he chose the one he was born to be. "I paid the iron price for Winterfell. I murdered those boys." And he admits that it wasn't even Bran and Rickon; it was just those orphan boys that were stashed with the farmer. He only wanted to make his father proud. His savior tells him, "Maybe it's not too late." But it is because Theon feels that his real father was Ned Stark, and he lost his head at King's Landing. He feels he's destroyed everything. His savior beckons him forward, saying, "Not everything, milord. She's up here." Theon fumbles forward into the shadows.
The room they enter is extremely dark. From the sound of the echoes, the floor and walls are stone. The mysterious savior lights a torch, and we see... the wooden X Theon was tied to. And there are guards. The not-really-a-savior tells them, "I brought him back here. He killed the others!" That would be the guards who the fake-savior killed. Remember that guy who said, "You bastard"? Theon's dragged to the X. The last words in the scene are the mysterious non-savior saying, "Put him back where he belongs."
Sorry, Theon. At least you got out in the air for a while.
Jaime. Brienne. A bunch of other unnamed people, including one who looks a lot like Jon Snow but isn't. Jaime is looking beaten down (I mean, aside from the part where we saw him literally get beaten down), and Brienne tells him to eat. He says he's busy dying. She encourages him to stay alive and take revenge. She's not impressed with his current state of mind: "One misfortune and you're giving up." He whines that he misses his sword hand. She utters the worst insult in Brienne's vocabulary: "You sound like a bloody woman!" He eats some bread. Well, I assume it's bread. It would be nice to think so, wouldn't it? She says Tarth is called "The Sapphire Isle" because of the blue of its water, not because of any surplus of sapphires. So why, she asks, did Jaime claim it was slopping over with sapphires, thus saving her from being raped? He doesn't answer. So we can assume that he's in love with her, right? He's probably in love with her.
Tywin Lannister writes something while Cersei waits for him to finish. It's nice to see that Tyrion's not the only child he treats this way, right? She eventually makes him pay attention to her. She's here because she wants to make sure they're doing everything they can to get Jaime back. Tywin points out that when Tyrion was taken, he started a war to get him back. And Jaime's his actual heir, plus he seems to like him a lot better. So what is he doing? "Whatever I can." He doesn't seem stressed out by the situation. Then he looks up: "You're still here. Why?" She feels left out by the times he's given fatherly advice to his sons, because she's the one who deserves his trust. She asks if he's considered that she might be the one that could contribute the most to his legacy.
At this point, I would like to break in with a theory I have. In my opinion, Tywin's kind of a tragic figure. Look at the story from his point of view. He's obviously super-competent and also ruthless enough to get things done. But he's getting old, so he has to allow the generation to take things over. And all of his children are also extremely competent, but each of them is also flawed enough that they're not going to be adequet. Jaime is very handsome and a great swordsman. Sounds great! But he can't keep his hand(s) off his sister and he joined the Kingsguard instead of inheriting Casterly Rock. Then he killed a king, and everyone's sneering at him. Cersei is intelligent and at least as ruthless as her father. But she's always sleeping with Jaime (or Lancel or whatever Lannister cousin is closest) and she hasn't done a great job preparing Joffrey for kingship. Her path to success was just "marry Robert Baratheon, give him an heir and then manipulate him and the kid" but she didn't really do any of that. Tyrion is the smartest one of all of them, and I think Tywin could bring himself to overlook his height. But he goes out of his way to be a drunken whoremonger and insult Joffrey. If he'd behaved himself even a little while he was Hand, he'd maybe have been given a statue by now. Tywin is looking at his children and probably starting to despair a little. He's probably pretty impatient with his kids constantly coming to him and demanding attention.
He looks at Cersei and instructs her, "All right. Contribute." What she had in mind was getting the Tyrells away from Joffrey, presumably because she's noticed that both Margaery and Olenna are awesome. Tywin points out that the Tyrells are responsible for the city not starving to death, and also for them being able to continue with their war. So Cersei gets to her real point: "Margaery has her claws in Joffrey. She knows how to manipulate him." Tywin answers, "Good. I wish you knew how to manipulate him." Ha! See, that's my point. She's been more interested in protecting Joffrey than in training him for his eventual job, and now it's too late. Tywin tells her, "I distrust you because you're not as smart as you think you are." I don't think that's what's wrong with her. She's plenty smart. Tywin also blames her for the way Joffrey is, which is interesting because the Lannisters rarely discuss the fact that Joffrey is a horrible monster that's dragging them all down. Cersei tells him, "Perhaps you should try stopping him from doing what he likes." Tywin answers, "I will." I look forward to that! Mostly I want to see if Tywin can get anything done without smacking Joffrey around the way Tyrion did. I realize I had some harsh things to say about Jaime, Cersei and Tyrion, but Tywin did a pretty good job raising them if the alternative is Joffrey. Although I guess Myrcella and Tommen might be better.
Speaking of the Tyrells, it's time for another scene in which Olenna is a lot of fun. We're in that garden where she met Sansa. One of her granddaughters (I'm guessing) shows her some embroidery, but Olenna is bored with roses. Everything she owns is covered in roses, including the chamber pot. She feels that a rose is a lame family sigil, considering that other houses have cool things like wolves and krakens. And the family words are "Growing strong," which isn't awesome like "Winter is coming" or "We do not sow." Then she sees that Varys is coming, so she tells the embroidery girls to run along and "grow strong." She's even sarcastic about her own family! Gasp!
Varys welcomes her to King's Landing and claims the city is made brighter by her presence. She mocks this as obvious flattery but encourages the seduction to continue. She muses, "What happens when the nonexistent bumps into the decrepit? A question for the philosophers." That sentence is as close as we're getting to a sex scene this week. Enjoy! Varys asks, "Might I sit?" No, he may not. Varys opens the subject of Sansa Stark in his usual discursive style and claims that she's an interesting girl. Olenna asks, "Is she?" Varys: "No, not really." Varys turns to go, and she tells him to walk with her.
On their walk, they agree Ned had admirers, but no one stepped forward to speak for him. Varys offers to help Sansa, since he's heard that Olenna took an interest in her. Olenna thinks Sansa will do fine: "She's a beautiful girl with a famous name." Varys says that Sansa will be leaving town with Littlefinger, who is one of the most dangerous men in Westeros. And if Robb falls, Sansa would be the eldest Stark, which would make her important for the North. Varys gets off a great line about Littlefinger's ambition: "He would see this country burn if he could be king of the ashes." They agree on a plan, but they're both advanced players so they don't need to say it out loud. Varys compliments Olenna for being clever, and she answers, "One doesn't need to be clever for that. It's all rather obvious, isn't it?" She might be bluffing. It's hard to tell.
Sansa is out praying at a picturesque outcropping, being watched by two guards. Margaery comes to say hello in such a friendly way that anyone but Sansa would immediately suspect that something's up. Margaery tells Sansa's guards to go back inside the keep. They don't move, so she sweetly adds, "Or if you'll be kind enough to give me your names, I'll ask the king to speak with you himself." They leave. Margaery asks what Sansa prayed for, then talks cheerfully about praying for health. Then she shares about this time she was called Pig-face, so she prayed that her tormenter would catch a horrible skin disease. And she did! Porridge plague! Sansta totally falls for it, but she's kidding. They walk down to another picturesque spot. Margaery tells Sansa, "I want us to be friends. Good friends." Sansa buys it, of course. Margaery wants her to come see Highgarden and the celebrations and the parades and the costumes. Sansa sounds enchanted, but worries, "I don't think the queen would let me leave King's Landing." Margaery corrects her, "The queen regent, you mean. Once I marry Joffrey, I'll be queen." See? I told you Cersei was maybe pushing it a little by calling herself the queen all the time. And Margaery is definitely planning on pushing her out of the picture. But she's not done luring Sansa: "And... if you were to marry Loras? Oh! Your place would be at Highgarden, wouldn't it?" It seems that Sansa would be delighted to marry the glamorous and beautiful Knight of the Flowers and move to Highgarden, where everything is beautiful. Let's see if that's how things play out.
Back to Craster's, where there's a funeral going on. Lord Commander Mormont watches a fire and reminisces about the dead ranger Bannon. He came from White Harbor, never failed in his duty, etc. Everyone choruses, "And now his watch is ended." After Mormont leaves, Grouser grouses, "Didn't think a broken foot could kill a man." He feels that the death came because Craster starved him. Sam says Craster has daughters to feed. Griper says when they leave, Craster will break out the wine and laugh at them starving in the snow. There's a wide shot, and someone says, "Never knew Bannon could smell so good." Yum!
Inside, Craster is feeling talkative. He says, "You have one son, don't you Mormont?" He does; it's Jorah from the Daenerys storyline. Craster claims to have 99 sons and more daughters than he count. He'll be glad when they leave, and he feels their wounded are as strong as they're getting. He recommends they just cut the throats of the wounded. Or just leave now and he'll do it. Griper snarls, "Whose throat are you gonna cut, old man?" Mormont tells him to go outside, and he won't. Craster won't have him in his home any longer: "You don't like it, you go outside and eat the snow." Craster lets slip that he has a hidden larder. Then he shouts that he's a godly man. Grouser calls him a bastard so he grabs an axe. "I'll cut the hands off the man who calls me bastard. It's very tense. Mormont shoves Grouser out the door.
Then Griper slowly, deliberately says, "You are a bastard. A daughter-fucking, wildling bastard." That all sounds fairly accurate, but Craster charges him and gets a knife to the stomach. Lord Commander Mormont comes back in, pulls his sword, and shouts. But the Grouser behind him (a different Grouser from the one who was shoved out the door) stabs him in the neck. Oops! And then it's ON. Mormont grabs Grouser by the neck and shoves him against a pillar. People are fighting all around. Sam stumbles outside (good move!) and grabs a sword. Craster's definitely dead. Mormont is looking good, but then he coughs up blood. He falls and the guy who stabbed him does so again. And several more times after that. Sam finds Gilly and tells her they have to go. Right now. She says she knows the best way, and they go. As they run into the snowy night, Griper calls, "Run fast, piggy! And sleep well! I'll be cutting your throat one of these nights!" Now how is that supposed to help him sleep well, Griper?
Arya is hooded and riding on the back of a horse. Thoros (her captor, remember?) offers her something to drink. Because she has more sense than Jaime, she asks what it is. The answer is "Blackstrap rum." She smells it and gives an "Eyurgh!" Thoros shrugs, "It's not easy finding molasses and water." Gendry says he'll have some. Might as well, right?
They're brought to a cave. There are a lot of people arrayed around the place. The Hound is brought forth. As soon as his hood is off, he looks around and says they look like a bunch of swineherds. This turns out to be because a lot of them were, in fact, swineherds. But now they say they're soldiers! The Hound is not impressed: "You think carrying a crooked spear makes you a soldier?" Beric Dondarrion comes in. He's a guy with an eye patch who appeared in the first season being played by a different actor. He was last season being sent by Ned Stark to bring Gregor "The Mountain" Clegane to justice. The Hound says the Brotherhood isn't fighting in a war, they're running from it. Beric points out that the Hound ran from King's Landing. I should probably stop calling him "The Hound" at some point because he's not really Joffrey's pet anymore. Let's switch to calling him "Sandor," okay? Beric explains that he's hunting down Gregor, which seems weird, since Ned's dead and Gregor is in Joffrey's good graces. Sandor tells him, "You're fighting for ghosts." Beric likes that: "That's what we are. Ghosts. Waiting for you in the dark. You can't see us. But we see you. No matter whose cloak you wear. Lannisters. Stark. Baratheon. You prey on the weak. The Brotherhood without Banners will hunt you down." He means "you" in general, because obviously they've already hunted down Sandor. Beric announces that he's been reborn in the light of the one true god. Oh, that sounds worrying. Sandor asks them to get on with killing him already, since he doesn't want to sit through whatever religion-themed trial is coming . But he isn't going to be so lucky. And neither are we.
One member of the Brotherhood says tiny girls were raped and killed at Mummer's Ford. Sandor points out that he wasn't there. The accusation is about the Targaryen children, who were killed when Robert Baratheon. That was Gregor, not him. Sandor says he can't be called a murderer. But then! Arya shouts, "You murdered Mycah! The butcher's boy. My friend." Oh, that's right. Joffrey attacked Mycah, then Arya attacked Joffrey, then Joffrey had Sandor kill Mycah for treason. Sandor admits it: "Aye, he was a bleeder." But he says it's not his place to question princes. If Joffrey says he was attacked by Mycah, Sandor doesn't take it upon himself to investigate. He gets sentenced to trial by combat, which seems like a rash idea. He's a giant monster with incredible combat skills. I'm not convinced "trial by combat" is a judicially valid concept. Anyway, he's going to be fighting Beric.
But not until week because we're going over to Astapor. I think we're all looking forward to what happens with the Daenerys storyline, right? All 8,000 Unsullied are standing in their military squares. And there's probably more than that, since it includes the ones who aren't fully trained yet. The slave master says (through Missandei, who's still there even though she now works for Daenerys) that the untrained ones should probably be tested before they get thrown into an actual battle. And he offers to buy any captives she takes, which feels like he's giving her a standard "Congratulation on your new slave army" spiel. It ends with, "And who knows, in ten years, some of the boys you send here may be unsullied in their turn."
Daenerys looks at the slave master, and then turns to this box she's brought along. There's a cute dragon inside it. It's got a chain on its leg, going down to a stick, which she gives to the slave master. The dragon stays up in the air, so the slave master kind of looks like someone having trouble controlling a kite. As his attention turns to the dragon at the other end of the chain, he tosses her a whip. She asks, "Is it done, then? They belong to me." Yes, they do. The master says, "The bitch has her army." Daenerys smirks a tiny bit, then turns away. There's a great shot of the dragon flapping in the air over her left shoulder. He's completely ignoring her as she calls out, "Unsullied!" in their language. Everyone reacts to the revelation that she speaks Valyrian. Well, the Unsullied don't because they have been trained not to respond. And the slave master doesn't because he's having trouble controlling the dragon. Daenerys calls out, "Forward march!" And then, "Halt!" The master says, "Tell the bitch her beast won't come."
This time, Daenerys doesn't wait for the translation. She answers in the same language, "A dragon is not a slave." It has finally dawned on the slave master that she understands Valyrian, and therefore understood all the things he said about her. She tells him, "I am Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen of the blood of old Valyrian. Valyrian is my mother tongue." Oops! He is starting to realize this isn't going as he'd hoped. And then Daenerys shouts, "Unsullied! Slay the masters! Slay the soldiers. Slay every man who holds a whip." Some dummies could be throwing their whips down about now. She adds, "But harm no child. Strike the chains off every child you see." The master yells to kill her because he has forgotten that he just sold all his soldiers.
Daenerys says, "Dracarys." I know this one! It's Valyrian for "Dragonfire." The dragon incinerates the slave master and takes to the air. The Unsullied attack everyone around them. So does the dragon. A series of fireballs rises above and behind Daenerys. She doesn't look surprised by all this. She doesn't even look all that triumphant, in my opinion. She just has the air of someone whose plans are coming to fruition, as Astapor starts exploding.
It's interesting how satisfying this scene is because there's no surprise in it at all. There was no chance Daenerys was really going to trade away a dragon, and as soon as the slave master started badmouthing her, it was a pretty good bet that she understood it and would take bloody revenge. But even though this scene is exactly what everyone expected to happen, it's still great. You don't need a swerve. Sometimes it's enough to just give the audience what they want.
After the fight -- no. After the massacre, Selmy walks the smoky battlefield. Daenerys is backlit in the smoke, and she looks great. She doesn't even look at him as she hops up on her white horse. She shouts, "Unsullied! You have been slaves all your life. Today you are free." And they can leave if they want. No one does. She asks, "Will you fight for me? As free men?" There's no answer because of that legendary discipline. But one of them starts pounding his ground on the floor, then they all do. It's quite inspiring.
Daenerys leaves Astapor on her horse, followed by her advisors and her army. She throws the whip to the ground and she and her army go into the desert. There are dragons in the sky. SKREE!
So I guess it's safe to assume that Astapor will not be in the opening credits week. I got my wish!