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Catelyn and Robb go to Riverrun for Hoster Tully's authentic Viking-style funeral. Robb takes some time out to yell at his bannermen for not following his brilliant military strategy, while Catelyn mopes about how she'll probably never see Bran and Rickon again. I think the real problem was leaving Bran in charge of Winterfell in the first place. He seems like a nice boy and all, but he wasn't very good at defending a castle.
On the other side of the war, Tywin Lannister has turned his eyes to politics. He reassembles the Small Council, which leads to some very entertaining jockeying for position, then sends Littlefinger off to marry Lysa Arryn. She's the crazy lady who was breastfeeding her son well past the age where it would have stopped being creepy. And then he puts Tyrion in charge of the kingdom's finances, which seems like a conflict of interest, since the kingdom owes a great deal of money to the Lannisters. Tyrion reluctantly takes the job, then he treats young Podrick to a night of debauchery at Littlefinger's brothel. But the whores won't accept any money for it, which seems odd.
There are also two near-rapes. One comes when Theon escapes from his unknown captors but gets chased down. His pants are pulled down and things are about to go poorly for him when his mysterious savior, well, saves him. The other is Brienne, who's dragged offscreen and is screaming when Jaime says that she's from the island where all the sapphires come from. So she gets brought back, apparently unbesmirched. But Jaime has not made any friends, so he gets his right hand chopped off. Chop!
Up north, Mance Rayder finds a lot of severed horse heads, artfully laid out in a spiral. This means that it's time to attack Castle Black, for reasons which are not clearly spelled out. The Night's Watch are getting back toward The Wall, but they spend the night at Craster's, which is always creepy.
And the most important news is that Hot Pie decides not to continue being Arya's comic relief sidekick. She's being brought along somewhere, but Hot Pie is staying behind at the inn. He's going to be a baker! And I know it's unlikely, but I hope he gets to just stay there and peacefully bake things without being killed by anyone.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Cliffhangers!
Opening credits. The highlighted places are King's Landing, Harrenhal, Riverrun, Winterfell, The Wall, and Astapor. Riverrun is a new place in the credits, so that's fun. Although it got mentioned back in the first season, so it's not an entirely new to us. And I have been informed that the mythological creature on the walls of Astapor is a harpy, not a sphinx. I actually feel bad about that, because I like to think I'm good at identifying mythological creatures. If a catoblepas shows up, I'm on the case.
A white-bearded man lies in a boat full of straw, which is pushed out into the river by Robb. He'd be Catelyn's father Hoster Tully, then. Someone walks up and sets an arrow on fire. Then he fires it into the air and misses the boat. Good one, dummy. He also misses with the second arrow. It's not the best-run funeral ceremony I've ever seen. Robb stifles a laugh. The boat is floating farther down the river. The third arrow fails to hit the boat. So this grizzled dude who looks a little like Billy Connolly steps up and shoves the archer out of the way. He checks the wind and fires. Then he hands the bow back without looking to see the result. He's like an extremely arrogant bowler. But he's also extremely good because the arrow hits and the boat goes up flames. The good archer walks away without looking back as the boat floats out of sight. I'm no Viking Funeral Expert, but I think you probably want to have a few rehearsals of the fire-arrow trick before the main event. Or just shoot the boat when it's closer to shore.
Now Robb is holding court. Well, he's looking out the window while his uncle complains about something at the stone mill. His uncle is the one who was not very good at archery, so this is Edmure. The Billy Connolly-looking guy is also here, and he threatens Edmure on Robb's behalf because Edmure calls him "nephew" and not "Your Grace." The people on this show are all very concerned about the proper etiquette due to kings, although they also forget it a lot. Robb tells Edmure he was supposed to wait for the Mountain (or "Tywin's mad dog") to come to him, not push him back to Casterly Rock. Edmure is confused because he thought he won a valiant battle and took a stone mill. But Robb wanted the Mountain to chase Edmure into the open so Robb could surround him and kill him. The Mountain doesn't have a strategic thought in his head, according to Robb. So why is he such an important general, then? Edmure protests that he took Willem Lannister and Martin Lannister as hostages, but Robb points out that they're only 14 and 15. And anyway, Robb hasn't sued for peace even though his sisters are hostages. So is Tywin going to sue for peace now that they have his father's brother's great-grandsons? Edmure admits that they will not. I'm glad to see someone in this world understands that their enemies won't stop attacking them just because they hold hostages. Oh, and Robb complains about the men Edmure lost because they have fewer men to lose than Tywin does. Robb returns to looking out the window and comments that Tywin has lots of patience. I like how they just assume that Tywin is in charge of the opposing army. They're right, of course, but surely they're supposed to pretend that Joffrey's involved somehow. They never even mention Joffrey anymore, and he's the king they want to replace. He's also the one who had Ned beheaded. Tywin wasn't even there!
And now it's time for the first Small Council of the season. Tywin Lannister is hosting, and he's got a chair at the head of the table. Then there are five more chairs all down one side, like the Last Supper. Grand Maester Pycelle, Lord Varys and Littlefinger all come in and take in the situation. Then Tyrion walks in behind them. There's another pause, and then Varys decides he might as well go sit down. But Littlefinger darts in front of him and takes the chair nearest to Tywin. Varys gets the one, and Pycelle, who moves the slowest, gets the one after that. Tyrion still hasn't moved. Then Cersei walks in. She takes the fourth chair and carries it around so she's sitting to Tywin. Then all eyes turn to Tyrion. He takes the fifth chair and drags it very slowly and loudly to the foot of the table. So the effect is that he and Tywin are looking at each other across the length of the table, with Cersei sitting to Tywin's right and the other three along the left side. Tywin has, in fact, been remarkably patient during all this jockeying for position. Tyrion is the first to speak: "Intimate. Lovely table. Better chairs than the old Small Council chamber. Conveniently close to your own quarters, I like it." Tywin waits for him to be done with his snark, then asks if there's any news of Jaime. He knows about the escape, and points out that this room controls more spies than the rest of the world combined. But no one knows where Jaime is. He tells them, "Try. Harder." Varys reports that Robb and most of his bannermen are in Riverrun for Lord Hoster Tully's funeral. And that, according to Varys, means that Roose Bolton holds Harrenhal, says Varys, digging at Littlefinger a little about who the real Lord of Harrenhal is. Tywin doesn't really care about who controls the actual castle because he wants Littlefinger to be "The Lord of Harrenhal" so he's a worthy suitor for the widow Arryn. That's Lysa Arryn, Catelyn's sister, who you might remember as being crazy. She's the one who was breastfeeding her too-old son. She's also the one who put Tyrion in that cell. Littlefinger seems okay with this plan, although Varys rolls his eyes at Tyrion when Littlefinger claims Lysa is "positively predisposed" toward him. No one's really positively predisposed toward Littlefinger. Except maybe Sansa.
Pycelle points out that will make Littlefinger acting Lord of the Vale because presumably Robin Arryn is still a creepy little weirdo who isn't really in charge. Tywin is pleased that this will mean Robb's aunt will be taking up arms against him. Tyrion says the royal wedding between Joffrey and Margaery will be incredibly expensive, and Littlefinger's the one in charge of the finances. Tywin agrees and names Tyrion "Master of Coin." Tyrion protests, "I'm quite good at spending money, but a lifetime of outrageous wealth hasn't taught me much about managing it." Cersei assures him he'll prove equal to the challenge. Then she smirks at him. I think maybe it's not a good idea to have an incredibly expensive royal wedding right in the middle of this kind of huge civil war. But try telling that to Joffrey, right?
If you've read the books, you'll know that there's this song about a bear who is covered in hair and licks a girl from here to there. It shows up a lot in A Storm of Swords and finally makes its television debut here. It's being sung by the bandits who were confronting Jaime and Brienne at the end of the last episode. You can judge how things went by the fact that Brienne and Jaime are now riding a horse, tied back to back. So they're prisoners, is what I'm saying. And they're bickering about whether Brienne was beating Jaime (she was) and whether that means he's overrated as a swordsman. His argument is that he'd just spent a year as a prisoner, and also his hands were tied together. Brienne says he probably still shouldn't have been losing to a woman, if he's so great. Changing the subject, he tells her she'll probably be raped repeatedly when the bandits make camp that night. He elaborates: "If you fight them, they will kill you. Do you understand?" She doesn't buy that his advice is something he'd follow and asks, "If you were a woman, you wouldn't resist. You'd let them do what they wanted?" No, don't be silly. Jaime says, "If I was a woman, I'd make them kill me. I'm not, thank the Gods." I'm not sure Jaime is completely immune from getting raped. He's awfully pretty.
Off to the inn, where Thoros is getting fitted with some nice new armor. Well, it's not new. Nor is it all that nice. But his only concern is that it be made of metal strong enough to keep arrows out of him. Arya complains about being handed over to the Hound. Thoros claims she's their guest, not their prisoner. Not that she's allowed to leave, as the woods are unsafe for Ned Stark's daughter. Yeah, they're full of people like the Brotherhood.
Just barely in Arya's earshot, the Hound and Anguy are talking about whether a bow is a coward's weapon. While they argue, I'll remind you that the Hound was last seen deserting King's Landing because the sight of fire gave him traumatic flashbacks. But he's still a tough guy because he says he likes to look someone in the eye when he kills them. Anguy is unimpressed: "Why? So you can kiss him?" Arya runs over and asks the Hound if he recognizes the inn. He does not: "Looks like every other shit inn on the road." This appears to be the same inn where the royal party stopped in season one, where Arya beat up Joffrey and had to chase off her wolf before Sansa's wolf got killed. By the Hound. But it doesn't seem to have made much of an impact on him. Anguy decides he doesn't want to look at the Hound's face, so he shoves a sack over his head. Then he puts the Hound in a cart.
Arya and Gendry are also getting ready to leave, since the whole Brotherhood is going somewhere. But there's a twist: Hot Pie is staying at the inn! He baked some acceptable brown bread, so thee innkeeper is keeping him as payment for all the food the Brotherhood ate. And he's of the opinion that since he's not the secret scion of great house or anything, the plot could just continue without him. As a parting present, he made Arya a loaf of bread shaped sort of like a wolf. Arya accurately identifies which end is the tail. Hot Pie tells Gendry not to get stabbed, and then he turns to go back into the inn. Arya is helped onto a horse, then she calls back that the wolf-loaf is really good. Hot Pie goes away. I hope that's it for him and we never see him again. And I liked him! I just want someone to survive the war and not get dragged down with all the drama. But since this seems to be the only inn in the world, I guess there's a chance he'll show up again.
Back to Riverrun, because when a castle makes its first appearance in the opening credits, it should get extra scenes. Catelyn is looking out the window at the river. Robb was looking out the window earlier, so I guess this is a trait that comes from her side of the family. I bet Ned didn't spend a lot of time gazing out of windows. The guy who looks like Billy Connolly (don't worry; he gets an actual name in this scene) says that he finds solace in the fact that even with a war, there are places where nothing is happening. He's Catelyn's uncle, the estranged brother of her now-dead father. She asks, "Did you make peace, in the end?" They did, sort of, although neither of them remembered what they were fighting about. It eventually boiled down to this: "He asked me to stop calling myself Blackfish." So he's Blackfish. And no one remembers his real name.
Catelyn returns to moping. She says that when her father would go off, he'd promise to come back. And she'd sit at this very window, looking out over the river and waiting. That isn't maudlin enough, so she adds, "I wonder. How many times did Bran and Rickon stare across the moors of Winterfell waiting for me to return?" Then she breaks down crying. In fact, Bran spent most of his time while Catelyn was gone by pretending to be in charge, while Rickon just ran around like an idiot. And Bran had trouble even getting to the windows. Anyway, she's sad about how she'll never see them again because of that scene where Theon pretended to have killed them. Blackfish points out that Robb thinks they're alive. And Catelyn has to remain strong for Robb. Isn't she supposed to be a prisoner? This room is way too nice to be a cell.
Elsewhere in Riverrun, Talisa is bandaging some kid's hand. He identifies her as Robb Stark's wife. Man, everyone knows that Robb married her. The kid, who turns out to be Martin Lannister, asks if Robb really turns into a wolf at night and eats the flesh of his enemies. She confirms it, which is just good policy. It's like if someone asks you if you're a god. She claims he only eats children when it's a full moon. Listen, if the rumor mill is as strong as it seems, why not use it to spread a little fear, right? The worst that could happen is an angry mob of villagers with torches and pitchforks.
We cut north, where Mance Rayder is leading the Free Folk. There's a horse head in the snow, so Mance comments, "Always the artists." Then the camera zooms out and up so we can see that there are more horse heads and other horse parts neatly laid out in a spiral in the snow. Pretty! But it's snowing hard enough that in thirty minutes, they wouldn't see it at all. Jon says it's just horses, but Orell (the Warg played by Mackenzie Crook) saw dead crows up here. Mance figures all the Night's Watch men that died are now walking the earth as zombies. And Lord Commander Mormont might have escaped with some of his men, or he might have been killed: "Whether he's Lord Commander of the Night's Watch or a blue-eyed corpse, he's a long way from home." So it's time to go through The Wall! He tells Talbot (the red-bearded one) to bring Jon on the attack on Castle Black. And kill him if he's no help on the attack. Orell will send his eagle every night to look for Mance's signal. And when it's on, Mance will light the biggest fire the north has ever seen.
The Night's Watch walks single-file through the snow. Sam sees Ghost. Or so he thinks. I mean, he says "Ghost?" at a white wolf. It's probably Ghost, right? Seems likely. They arrive at the camp of Craster, that guy who has a huge harem. And the harem includes his daughters. He's not that interested in their problems, so when Mormont says, "We can talk inside," he just answers, "Oh. Can we?" Then there's a lot of staring. And weapon-fondling. The Night's Watch does not seem like they're as friendly as when they stopped by before.
Now they're inside the main house. We hear a woman crying and wailing from outside. The women are all upstairs, watching them, but Craster tells the men to keep their eyes off his women. He further claims, "I'd have turned you all away if I wasn't a godly man." And by "godly," he's referring to "the real gods," whatever that means. The wailing from outside is continuing, so he tells one of the women, "Go tell her she can bite down on a rag or she can bite down on my fist." He objects to the noise because his pig gave birth to eight piglets without a peep. I can only hope he's going to get killed in some gruesome way shortly. He recommends the Night's Watch considers carving bits off Sam, who's "a walking feast." Sam leaves to go get some air.
Outside, Sam goes to find the woman giving birth. She's wailing, as you do if you're giving birth in a lean-to outside in the rain in a horrible medieval setting. Then there's a baby. She asks what it is, and we see a tiny baby penis. Thanks a lot, all you people that complained there weren't enough penises on this show. Anyway, that's bad news because the baby will probably be left out for mysterious shadowy figures.
Theon wakes up. His head is still sacked and he's still tied to the X. His mysterious savior tells him to keep quiet, and then he removes the leather straps that were keeping him up. He gives Theon a canteen of water, but he can't keep it down. It's not going well for Theon. Theon promises he can ride a horse. I'm surprised he can even walk, since he has a big hole in his foot. But he gets outside and onto a horse. His unknown savior tells him to ride east and follow the rising sun, where his sister is waiting. Oh, and they're not in the Iron Islands. Theon looks like he wants to ask some questions, but then he rides away. Which is the correct course of action. Questions later. The important thing is to get away from the room where people hammer holes in your foot.
Stannis and Melisandre. Melisandre is going to go on a boat trip and leave him alone, which is causing him some distress. She says she's not abandoning him. She's just going away for an unknown amount of time and doesn't know where. That definitely sounds to me like she's abandoning him. He tells her he wants Joffrey and Robb dead. Also, he wants another son (probably the creepy shadow kind), and she says it would kill him. He rasps in her ear, "I want you." She tells him his fires burn low. But there's a better way to get what he wants because there are others with his blood in their veins. And to get him on the Iron Throne, the lord of light demands sacrifices. I still think she's just going to leave.
Daenerys, Jorah, and Selmy take in the sights of Astapor. Specifically, the Walk of Punishment, where slaves are being crucified for misbehavior. They're also covered in blood. There are convenient baskets of rocks in case anyone feels like throwing one. Daenerys takes some water and gives it to one particularly roughed-up slave. But he refuses to drink. Selmy tells her to leave this place, meaning the entire city. But Jorah says this is where she needs to get an army. He might be right, since we don't really know much about the other armies for sale in the world. Jorah thinks innocents die by the thousands in every war, so what's wrong with some of those innocents being slaves you bought to form your army? Jorah says he was in King's Landing after the sack, and babies were killed and women were raped. But the Unsullied don't rape or pillage, which should theoretically result in a much cleaner war than one fought by regular soldiers. Selmy says men died for Rhaegar, the last dragon, because they believed, not because they'd been bought. Jorah doesn't care: "Rhaegar fought valiantly. Rhaegar fought nobly. And Rhaegar died." Daenerys points out that he was not the last dragon. I think this habit of calling her a dragon is going to get even more confusing now that there are literal dragons around the place.
Oh, hey! There's that harpy on the walls. Looks good!
Daenerys is now having her final negotiation with the slave master and his translator. There's also an advisor there so the master has someone to make snide comments about Daenerys to. Daenerys says she wants to buy all 8,000 slaves. The master thinks she'll flash her tits to trick them into giving her whatever they want. You'd think that would work, but Breakfast at Tiffany's still closed after only 38 performances. (NOTE: This is a very clever joke, and I refuse to explain it. Do some work on Google if you don't get it.) Anyway, keep in mind that everything the master says is in a language that Daenerys doesn't speak. Supposedly. Daenerys clarifies that she wants all 8,000 and also all the ones still in training. The master's advisor is concerned about insufficiently trained Unsullied dying, which would be bad for the brand. It's a good point. If your slaves don't represent Astapor well, who's going to want to buy the generation? Although it might not matter, since they're going to sell the generation at the same time. It'll be awhile before they have a full set of new Unsullied. Daenerys wants the boys to pick up the swords of the ones who die. The master continues to be insulting, saying her ship will buy her a hundred, "and this because I like the curve of her ass." Also, "Her Dothraki smell of shit. But may be useful as pig feed." He offers three Unsullied. And a few more if she stops talking, leaving 7,877 remaining that she can't pay for. Dany looks up at the women watching them through the roof. This is kind of like that earlier scene where Craster's wives were looking at the Night's Watch from the upstairs. I mention that in an attempt to pretend that this episode has some kind of theme.
Daenerys decides to shortcut the negotiations: she offers a dragon. Selmy and Jorah are both shocked. I feel like their job is to argue with each other, but they're pretty united in the opinion that ownership of the only three dragons in the world is more important than any army. I agree. In fact, Daenerys's best plan is probably just to lay low for a couple years until her dragons are full-grown. Then she just flies over and wrecks everyone with fire-breathing air superiority. Especially because the existing war will have wrecked all the armies. The master asks for three dragons. In English! Or "Westerosi," or whatever they call it. Daenerys answers, "One." "Two." "One." Well, they want the biggest one. Daenerys says, "Done." Then she looks around and says she'll take the translator as well. The master smiles.
Daenerys and her crew (now enhanced by one translator) leave. Her advisors tell her, "Khaleesi, a dragon is worth more than any army." Aegon Targaryen proved that, presumably by using my "all dragons" plan. She tells them both not to question her in front of outsiders. Then she talks to her new translator, who has a name that sounds like "Miss Sunday," but is spelled "Missandei." She has no family she'd go to if freed. And she explains that the reason the slave on the Walk of Punishment didn't want to be saved was that there are no masters in the grave. Missandei agrees that the Unsullied are incredibly loyal. Dany asks how Missandei feels about being taken into a war. She answers, "Valar Morghulis." Daenerys agrees: "Yes. All men must die. But we are not men." Are... are they Devo? I guess not, since they don't have those cool hats. This might be a significant scene, as it shows that Daenerys understands High Valyrian, but it also may be that she just knows the idiom, plus we don't really know if that's the same language the slave master was speaking, so it's still technically unknown whether Daenerys understood all the things he was saying. Although if you've ever seen a television show before, it's pretty obvious.
Finally, a scene in a brothel! The action is less sexy than you might be imagining, given that Tyrion's having Bronn take the royal ledgers out of Littlefinger's floorboards. There are a lot of them. Podrick admires Roz's décolletage, so he's sent outside. Roz and Bronn follow. Littlefinger knows that Tyrion owes Pod his life, and he recommends rewarding him. But Tyrion can't knight him because he's basically just the CFO for the kingdom. Littlefinger is also pleased that Tyrion got Roz freed after she got interrogated by Cersei. Tyrion tries to make it clear that he does not have a relationship with Roz. Although he did fuck her. Littlefinger claims to know all that. Tyrion asks for any tips on being a Master of Coin. Littlefinger suggests that Tyrion keep a low profile, and Tyrion dismisses the pun as having been done before. Littlefinger thinks numbers on paper are easy, compared to whores. Tyrion's got more experience with whores. Tyrion tells him to enjoy the Eyrie, probably hoping Littlefinger gets put in one of those open-air cells.
Bronn joins Tyrion outside Littlefinger's office and suggests that Littlefinger might have made up everything in the books. That sounds like the easiest way to do bookkeeping in that pre-Excel era. Tyrion tells Pod he's got a reward coming for saving his life at Blackwater. So, he asks, has Pod ever been with a woman? No, he has not. Well, that's Jenna's specialty. Jenna, I should explain, is the extremely naked prostitute who suddenly appears behind a curtain. And there are two more of them. And one of them is a contortionist, which I personally don't find all that sexy. A certain amount of flexibility is great, but at a certain point, I'd prefer someone's legs to be attached to their torso in a normal fashion, you know? Tyrion and Bronn leave Pod with a purse full of money so his debauchery can be fully funded.
Back at his chambers, Tyrion is digging through the ledgers. He tells Bronn that it turns out that Littlefinger is not, in fact, a magician who can create money from thin air. Rather, he's been borrowing the money, and they can't afford to pay it back. Then I'd say that Littlefinger got out of the job just at the right time. The crown specifically owes millions to Tywin, who is not one to forgive a debt. It seems like a conflict of interest to have a Lannister in charge of the books if the Lannisters are a primary creditor. Bronn has never borrowed money, so he doesn't understand the problem. He also doesn't care that much, but that's because he doesn't really care about anything outside of his personal area of responsibility. Tyrion explains the concept of paying interest after you borrow money. Bronn asks, "What if I don't?" Tyrion answers, "This is why I don't loan you money." His real problem is The Iron Bank of Brothers, to whom they owe even more money than they owe to Tywin. And if they don't pay the Iron Bank, they might fund their enemies. Plus, they're kind of honor-bound to come through, since "A Lannister Always Pays His Debts." Although Joffrey is officially a Baratheon, so maybe he doesn't have to.
Just then, Pod comes back and returns Tyrion's money. Tyrion is confused, since it's more money than he pays Pod in a year. Bronn clarifies, "He's a squire. You don't pay him." Tyrion shrugs, "Oh. Then it's much more than I give you in a year." Pod says the ladies wouldn't take it, which Tyrion thinks is weird. Pod says everything went normally, and they seemed to like it. Pod's claim is that the ladies liked it so much, they got it for free. Tyrion sits him down, and Bronn brings the wine. It's time for details. Luckily, we cut away before things get too graphic.
Theon is lost on a hill. An arrow narrowly misses him. Then some guys on horses appear. One of them has a flail! That's the thing that looks like a mace, but with the chain between the handle and the spiked iron ball. They chase him into the woods and Theon's riding pretty well for a guy who's been undergoing torture for unknown amounts of time. The bowman misses Theon's head by inches. And again. This guy's like two inches from being a great archer. Theon ducks under a branch, which somehow fails to hit one of his pursuers. Seriously, that never happens! When someone riding a horse ducks under a low branch, it has to knock at least one of his pursuers over. Go look at Return of the Jedi! But not this time; all the pursuers also duck. Finally, Theon gets knocked down with the flail, and he wheezes on the ground, trying to catch his breath. He gets to all fours and gets a boot in the ribs. The leader says, "Take off his pants." Then he adds, "I'm gonna fuck you into the dirt." Huh. Bad news for Theon, I guess. And that proves that Jaime could get raped, so there. But then the would-be rapist gets an arrow in the chest, fired from somewhere in the woods. And so do the others. Theon pulls his pants up as his savior walks up. It's not his sister; it's the same guy from before. The initial would-be rapist is still alive, although he's on his knees and he doesn't look at all well. He looks at Theon's unknown savior and says, "You bastard." Then he gets killed. Theon's savior says, "Come, my lord. You're a long way from home. And winter is coming." Yes, I've heard about that.
The bandit encampment. Brienne and Jaime are each tied to trees, facing each other. Someone says he'll take the "big bitch" first. She says Catelyn Stark told her to take Jaime to King's Landing, but Catelyn is officially a traitor, so "Catelyn told me to do it" isn't good enough. Several men pull her to her feet. She fights back and gets punched in the stomach a lot. Then she's dragged off screaming. Jaime takes a little time to determine how he feels about this, and then decides to be concerned. He asks the leader, "You know who she is, don't you." His best guess: "A big dumb bitch from who-cares-where?" Jaime corrects him: "She's Brienne of Tarth. Her father's Lord Selwyn of Tarth. Heard of Tarth? They call it the Sapphire Isle. Know why? Every sapphire in Westeros was mined in Tarth. Sapphires are gemstones. The blue ones." Somewhere in there, he got a little too condescending for this guy's taste. But Jaime suggests that Brienne be kept around as a hostage. An alive hostage, he clarifies. "With honor unbesmirched." There's still some screaming from off-screen, but it's both male and female. And I think this leader was the one who said he's go first, so Brienne hasn't been raped yet. He says to bring her back. Then he mocks Jaime's "Unbesmirched." So Jaime rephrases it as "Not defiled." Apparently bandit leaders don't like long words or any of your fancy book-learnin'. Jaime says he was forced to read before he was allowed to practice sword or horse. Brienne is returned to her tree. If you're keeping track, we saw Theon's butt, which was more nudity than anything in this scene.
The leader leans into Jaime. "Your father. He'd pay your weight in gold to get you back?" Oh, more than that. Jaime promises, "Lands, titles, you'll have them all." He recommends against fighting bravely for a losing cause, since everyone knows Robb isn't going to win. Also, he'd really like to sleep lying down, not chained to a tree. It seems to work, since he's detached from the tree. He's even offered something to eat. Would he like some partridge? Sure! He's offered a table and even gets called "m'lord." It's a trap, of course. Jaime gets held down on the table. The leader has a giant knife, and he doesn't like people who run to their fathers. He digs the point at Jaime's eye and snarls, "You're nothing without your daddy and your daddy ain't here. Never forget that." I'm not sure that's entirely fair, since Jaime is one of the greatest swordsmen in the kingdom. I guess I should say he was a great swordsman because the thing that happens is that the leader cuts off Jaime's right hand. CHOP!