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Okay, it's time to catch up on the subplots that didn't fit into the first episode. Bran and Rickon (the youngest Starks) are still escaping from Winterfell, accompanied by Hodor and Osha. Osha is the wildling woman who has a lot of warnings about spooky topics. Hodor is the guy who just says "Hodor" a lot. They're joined in this episode by Jojen and Meera Reed, two weird kids who are keenly in favor of occult stuff. Jojen knows about the three-eyed raven that Bran sees in his dreams, and he also knows that Bran can see through his wolf's eyes when he sleeps.
up in the Stark children is Arya. She's escaping from Harrenhal along with Gendry and Hot Pie, but they're found by some cheerful bandits. They're menaced by a show-offy archer, but they just get taken to an inn and given some food. Everything seems to be going fine until a prisoner is brought into the inn. It's the Hound! And he recognizes Arya!
Sansa is on the list. Margaery Tyrell brings her to meet her grandmother, who's basically the Dowager Countess of House Tyrell. Through an intriguing mix of sassiness and cheese-ordering, she gets Sansa to admit that Joffrey is a horrible little monster. Cersei seems to know that Margaery is a player, but Joffrey has decided that he's king and doesn't need to listen to his much more savvy mother. So he's unprepared when Margaery comes to him and gets in his good graces by stroking his crossbow. That's not a metaphor.
Robb Stark is also in the episode! But pretty briefly. He just has to arrange to go to the funeral of Catelyn's father. This also lets Catelyn tell Talisa about this time she was nice to Jon Snow. But not that nice, because she also prayed for him to die. And as long as we're rounding up Starks, Jon is doing fine up north. Theon Greyjoy is doing less fine, as he's being crucified and tortured by people who aren't very clear about what they want. They might just be torturing him for the fun of it.
In non-Stark news, Brienne and Jaime continue to walk across Westeros on the way to King's Landing. They don't seem to get along well, although Jaime might just be insulting her to stay in practice for the time he runs across his brother Tyrion. Things seem to be going fine until Jaime steals one of her swords and they have a cool fight on a bridge. Brienne wins handily, but then they're confronted with some mounted warriors who recognize Jaime.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!There's nothing new in the credits: Just like the last episode, we've got King's Landing, Dragonstone, Harrenhal, Winterfell (still on fire), The Wall, and Astapor. In case you're interested, Winterfell has a giant tree sticking out. And judging from the color of its leaves, it's currently autumn. Because, you know, winter. Is coming. Also, Astapor has a giant sphinx on its walls, but I assume it's just a statue. If there were a real hundred-foot sphinx up there, someone probably would have commented on it.
We open in the forest. Some kid with a bow looks around at the trees. Wait, I know that kid! It's Bran Stark! I didn't recognize him at first because he's standing up, which means this is a dream sequence. Also because he's like five inches taller than he was the last time we saw him. Then he turns around and a three-eyed raven narrowly misses him. You'd think that raven would be better at seeing where it's going, what with the extra eye. Bran prepares to shoot it with an arrow, which I think is a bad idea. Shoot the regular birds, not the symbols of prophetic omen. Suddenly, Robb and Theon are standing to him, They tell him not to think too much. Then they laugh at him when he misses. And the voice of Ned asks which of them was a marksman at ten, which is just a quote from the first episode. I like that element because it's the part that suggests this might just be a regular dream. But it's not, of course because dream sequences on television shows are always important. So it's no surprise when a smirky kid appears and tells Bran, "The Raven is you." I like that this dream contains its own symbolic breakdown. That's the sort of thing that can save you a lot of money in psychoanalysis.
Bran wakes up. He's under a little lean-to out in a field. There are a couple of wolves with him, along with Rickon, Hodor and Osha. Quick refresher: Rickon is Bran's little brother, the youngest Stark. He barely appeared in the first season, and he hasn't really done much since. Hodor is Bran's helper. He carries Bran around because he's strong and all he ever says is "Hodor" because he's either dumb or very into personal branding. And Osha is the spooky wildling woman who helped them escape from Winterfelll. She looks and acts a lot like every Helena Bonham Carter character. Caught up? Good! Osha says it's time to keep moving in case someone's coming after them. Bran says no one even knows they're alive, but that's apparently no reason not to keep running. Osha says The Wall is a long way off.
Harrenhal. Robb Stark is moping because heavy hangs the head that wears the crown. No matter how many crowns there are to choose from. Talisa tries to cheer him up. She says she never thought she'd marry anyone, let alone the king of the "grim, bearded, stinking barbarians." I'm not sure that's a fair description. Robb is pretty grim, he does have a beard, he probably stinks a bit... okay, she has a point. Lord Roose Bolton comes in with news from Riverrun and Winterfell. Robb thinks there's going to be good news and bad news, but that's because he hasn't realized he's in a world that's got nothing but bad news.
Catelyn tells Robb she doesn't know how many years it's been since she's seen her father. This is relevant because the news from Riverrun is that Catelyn's father Hoster Tully is dead. Robb says they'll both go to the funeral, and she asks if she'll be in manacles at the time. Then Robb tells her that Winterfell has been put to the torch. The closest thing to good news is that Bran and Rickon haven't been found. But she can't conclude that they escaped because Theon might have taken them. Or maybe they died in the castle because I imagine it takes a while to separate out all the remains from a burned and ruined castle. She asks if he's heard anything from Theon at all. You'd think there'd be some sort of mocking "Ha ha, I burned down your castle" sort of thing, right?
Speaking of Theon, he's bound to a big wooden X with a bag over his head. It's good to have hobbies. The bag is removed and he's woken up with a bucket of water. He's at least shirtless. I mean, we can't see below his waist, so you're free to imagine whatever you like. He asks where he is, and a blurry figure takes out a long metal tabby thing. Theon immediately switches to begging for mercy because that's what seems called for in this situation. The man with the knife says nothing until Theon gets to the key question: "What do you want?" He answers, "I want to do this." Then he stabs Theon under the fingernails. I feel like Theon's grand plan to impress his daddy isn't going as well as he would like.
Now to Jaime Lannister and Brienne of Tarth. Before tackling their immediate situation, it might be worthwhile recapping how they got here: Brienne is a giant warrior lady who's been positioned as one of the best fighters in the world (she defeated Loras Tyrell, which puts her in the elite category), and she's devoted herself to Catelyn Stark for reasons I was never all that clear on. They were both there when the Shadow Stannis killed Renly -- who she was sworn to protect (not that the Shadow Stannis could have been stopped, but still). And now she's taking Jaime to King's Landing to trade him for Arya and Sansa, which is a decision that has made Catelyn unpopular.
And what's happening now is that Jaime's hands are tied in front of him, and Brienne is holding a rope that leads to them. Jaime's walking in front, and he's whining about how long it's going to take to walk all the way there. She's fine with a long, boring walk, since the alternative is running into an army. Jaime insists that humorless mutes are awful, and he calls her a "giant towheaded plank." He also says a lot of things that are both very funny and very mean, but I don't want this to turn into the Lannister Comedy Hour. It's hard enough not to transcribe everything that Tyrion says, and now I have to put up with Jaime being funny? Brienne is much more taciturn and just says that Catelyn is an honest woman. Sure, but how far is honesty going to get you in this world? We all saw what happened to Ned.
After some walking and snarking, there's finally some action: Jaime pees on a tree while Brienne watches. I mean, it's not like she's staring or anything. But she's keeping track of her prisoner's activities. He wonders when she signed up with Catelyn, since he didn't see her head knocking into things when he was at Winterfell in the first season. Then he figures out she was pledged to Renly, so he references him as "the little tulip." And then there are a lot more references to Renly being gay. She says she was in Renly's kingsguard. Jaime asks if she fancied him, then tells her he can tell she's lying. Jaime tells her that she's far too manly for Renly. He liked flowery young men with curly hair, like Loras Tyrell. Warming to his subject, Jaime says, "It's a shame the throne isn't made out of cocks. They'd have never got him off it." She grabs him with violent intent, but before she can start pummeling him, somebody else appears. It's a fairly harmless-looking person on a horse. He's going to Riverrun. He says he wouldn't tangle with Brienne, and then he moves on. Jaime thinks the man knows who he is. He gets in Brienne's ear and asks her, "What if he tells someone?" She declines to kill the man just for having seen them. They move on.
King's Landing. Joffrey is trying on a white robe and complaining about it. Cersei assures him that he looks very regal, but he hates the idea of wearing a fabric with flowers on it. Cersei recommends giving the fabric to Margaery, because it looks like a Tyrell rose. I personally feel that the people of Westeros could lighten up a little on their family-specific symbolism. Cersei also works in a dig at Margaery's tendency to wear clothes that expose more than she thinks ladylike. She asks what Joffrey thinks of Margaery. Joffrey, completely missing Cersei's subtlety, says that she's an ideal match, since the Tyrell armies will allow him to go destroy strongholds and burninate the countryside. Cersei asks if he has an opinion on Margaery's concerns with the common people. Joffrey cuts her off and says it's a boring conversation. He has not been properly prepared for the subtleties of court life, but maybe a king doesn't need to be. Robert Baratheon probably wasn't good at the verbal fencing either. Cersei says that Margaery dresses like a harlot, courts the opinion of urchins, and married Renly Baratheon, and she does all of these things for a reason. Joffrey says that reason is that she did what she was told, which is what intelligent women do. He glares at Cersei to indicate that he believes she is one of those women who should be doing what he's told. Then he makes his basic restatement of his kingly rights: "I don't need to do anything." Then he poses at the mirror again because that's what kings do, right? They tell people to shut up and then look at themselves in the mirror. It's not like there's a war going on that he should be paying attention to.
Shae and Sansa. Shae is concerned about Sansa's chat with Littlefinger on the grounds that nothing good ever comes of talking to Littlefinger. Sansa swears that Littlefinger doesn't want anything from her. He's just taking an interest because he's a friend of her mother. Honest! See, Sansa would have been perfect for Joffrey. Neither of them can swim in the deeper waters of King's Landing. The only thing Sansa can do is protest that Littlefinger's not in love with her, so naturally he doesn't want anything. Shae drops some worldly knowledge on her: "If he does ask you for anything, or try anything, or touch you, I want you to tell me." Sansa asks, "Why, what will you do?" Shae explains, "I will make him stop." Well, then I'm sure everything is fine. And it's time for this discussion to end because Loras Tyrell is at the door. He is here to relay an invitation to tea from Margaery and her grandmother. And he'll escort her!
Loras and Sansa walk through the gardens. This moment right here is what Sansa always wanted out of life. She gets to walk through royal gardens arm-in-arm with a glamorous knight. She reminds Loras that he gave her a red rose at the Hand's Tourney. He agrees that it sounds like something he'd do, but it doesn't sound like it made much of an impression on him. Loras hands Sansa over to Margaery, who brings her into a garden party. She is greeted by DIANA RIGG, who will be playing Lady Olenna of House Tyrell. Lady Olenna is an old lady and she straight does not give a fuck what you think. Sansa, Olenna and Margaery retire to a separate pavilion so they can do things like talk about Renly Baratheon. Olenna agrees that Renly was very clean. After that, she is less complimentary: "He knew how to dress and smile and somehow this gave him the notion he was fit to be king." In her opinion, her grandson Ser Loras is good at knocking people off their horses with a stick, but not much else. She feels that Renly had no real claim to being king, since he was the younger Baratheon brother. While Sansa is caught off guard by the unusual sight of people telling the truth, Olenna orders them some cake. Everybody likes cake!
Olenna continues to be very entertaining, explaining that her son is the Lord of Highgarden, and he's a ponderous oaf. Margaery is enjoying this, and I think at least half of her fun is coming from watching Sansa be uncomfortable. Now Olenna gets to the point: "I want you to tell me the truth about this royal boy. This Joffrey." Sansa stammers unconvincingly, so Olenna gets even more explicit. "We've heard some troubling tales. Is there any truth to them? Has this boy mistreated you? Has he ripped out your tongue?" Sansa does her usual line about how pretty and great Joffrey is. For how many times she's been forced to repeat it, she's not very convincing. Olenna has specific questions: "How kind is he? How clever?" The cakes are brought, and Olenna asks where the cheese is. The poor dummy with the cakes attempts to explain that cheese is served after cake, and he gets corrected sharply: "The cheese will be served when I want it served. And I want it served now" Olenna tells Sansa, "We're only women here." Sansa tentatively says, "My father always told the truth." And he got his head cut off. Sansa loosens up a little and says the thing that's probably in her head all the time: "Joffrey. Joffrey did that. He promised he would be merciful and he cut my father's head off and he said that was mercy. And he took me upon the walls and made me look at it." Then she comes to her senses does her usual spiel about her father and brother being traitors. The Tyrells promise not to betray Sansa's confidence, but she's about done telling family secrets. Margaery shrugs. Olenna observes, "Ah. Here comes my cheese." They just wanted to know what Margaery was getting into. I mean, they can tell that Sansa's terrified of Joffrey, but it doesn't seem to concern them much. It doesn't look like it would take much to terrify Sansa.
Enough of them. Let's get out on the road, where Robb's army is on its way to a funeral. A wolf is watching them. The wolves are a lot more prominent in the books, so they have to stick them into the establishing shots or we'll forget they're there. Robb and Lord Karstark talk about how they need Edmure Tully's men to have a chance of winning. Karstark thinks Robb lost the war the day he married Talisa. I will say that Robb doesn't seem to have a real plan for becoming king. He's been winning battles, but there's no real hint that he's any closer to winning the war even though he's taken Harrenhal. I'd really like a scene with Tywin or somebody, going over where the armies are to give the audience a sense of how things are progressing.
Catelyn is sitting by the side of the road doing something that combines branches and needlepoint. She's basically making a big fantasy-world version of a dreamcatcher. Talisa dismounts and offers some help. Catelyn will accept no help, saying that she's made two of these for her children before. Talisa asks, "Did they work?" Well, all of her children are currently alive, although she doesn't know that. Catelyn says they worked "after a fashion." One was when she prayed for Bran to survive his fall. Which he did, although he was crippled. The other time was when one of her children came down with the pox and she stayed with him all night. But here's the twist: it was Jon Snow! And he's not her child at all. In fact, she basically ran him out of Winterfell and made him join the Night's Watch. What happened was that she prayed to the gods to make Jon die. And when he got the pox, she felt bad for condemning him to death just because she was jealous of his mother. So she prayed to "all seven gods" to let him live. She told the gods, "I'll beg my husband to give him a true name," by which she means he would be Jon Stark, not Jon Snow. But then he lived, and she didn't keep her promise. So she feels that everything bad that's happened to her family is because she couldn't love a motherless child. Well, it's certainly true that the Starks haven't been doing so great recently, but surely some of that is their own fault. Ned practically demanded to be executed.
Moving north, we now check in on Jon Snow, whose refusal to die of the pox has made Catelyn feel guilty. Mance Rayder claims to like Jon, although I don't know how he's come to that conclusion already. They just met last episode. Mance's goal is to protect his people, which is difficult. They speak seven different languages and there's a lot of inter-clan squabbling. Sounds exactly like the clans that Tyrion had to put up with, except that instead of Black Ears and Stone Crows, we have Hornfoots and Ice River Clans. And everyone hates the Cave People. So how does Mance get everyone to cooperate? "I told them we were all going to die if we don't get south. Because that's the truth." They come up on a creepy-looking guy whose eyes are rolled back in his head. My first instinct is to say that he should be played by Mackenzie Crook, who played Gareth in the UK The Office and Ragetti, the pirate with the wooden eye in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. But then it turns out that he really is played by Mackenzie Crook, so I guess the show was one step ahead of me. He's a "Warg," which means he can see through the eyes of animals. Once he's done looking through the eyes of a hawk, he says that he saw the Fist of the First Men. And what did he see? "Dead crows." Meaning men of the Night's Watch, I'm assuming. Not actual dead birds. I bet the Abbott & Costello of Westeros have a big routine based around one guy misunderstanding whether the other guy is talking about actual animals or the symbolic representations of people.
Speaking of the Crows, they're walking in a single-file line through the snowy wastes. Samwell is at the back of the line, and he's being needled for crying. And also for being alive while others are dead. The needler asks why he doesn't just lie down and die right now. So Sam drops to his knees, and the needler moves on. Two slightly nicer members of the Night's Watch come back to encourage him to stand up. The needler keeps calling him Piggy and tells him, "You're fat. And you're slow. And we don't wanna die." Then Lord Commander Mormont comes back and delivers some orders: "Tarly. I forbid you to die. Do you hear me?" The needler is told that if Sam doesn't get back alive, neither does he. So they're presumably going to be doing an Odd Couple thing for a while, where one is a jerk and the other is too exhausted to walk. And also, they both want to take the same girl to the big dance.
Back to Bran! Rickon and Hodor are off looking for food because neither of them really brings much to a scene. Osha hears a noise, so she grabs her pointed stick and runs off into the forest. And then the weird kid from Bran's dream walks up! This probably isn't a dream because Bran's lying down. Summer (Bran's wolf) stands in front of Bran growls at the kid. And Osha puts the point of her spear to the back of his neck. He's unruffled and says, "I'm unarmed" Osha shrugs, "That was poor planning. Then the kid continues, "My sister carries the weapons." Oh, he brought his sister. And she has a knife around Osha's throat. Osha warns them, "You kill me, that wolf will tear you to bits." He looks at the wolf and says, "You must be Summer." He puts out his hand for sniffing. Summer seems okay with it and leaves. Well, what's the point of having a giant killer wolf if it won't maul people when you want it to? The kid introduces himself as Jojen Reed. His sister is Meera. I appreciate characters who announce their names early on. Jojen will be adopting the role of mystic mentor, apparently: "We've come a long way to find you, Brandon. And we have much farther to go." Well, he'll be better at it than Hodor would be.
Hey, remember Arya? She, Gendry and Hot Pie are out on the road after having escaped from Harrenhal. Gendry is Robert Baratheon's illegitimate son, although no one, including him, knows that. Hot Pie is just along to be the fat comic relief and I kind of hope he ends up being related to Samwell. Gendry is baffled that Arya could have killed any three people she wanted (because face-changing assassin Jaqen H'ghar said so) and she didn't immediately rattle off people like Joffrey and Tywin. She doesn't have a really good excuse for wasting them because the real answer is that if she'd done that, the whole series would be over already. Instead, she wants to talk about what direction they're going. She doesn't think it's north, since they should have seen a giant landmark by now. Then they spot some bad-looking dudes, so they hide behind a convenient wall. This does not fool the dudes, who immediately ask, "What's lurking behind that wall? A lion? A wolf?" Remember, this world is very into animal-based symbolism, so that means they're asking if they're Lannisters or Starks.
Arya decides to walk out into the open with her sword. She talks tough: "Leave us be and I won't kill you." The bad dude does not look intimidated, and asks why her friends are so shy. She tries to deny that she has friends, but apparently part of being a bad dude is that you can see through walls. The bad guys jump down among our heroes. They conclude that the kids escaped from Harrenhal. The primary bad dude introduces himself as Thoros of Myr. According to the Internet, he's the one who was mentioned in Season One as having run around with a flaming sword. And the guy with the bow is Anguy. They're the Brotherhood who the Tickler was looking for in Harrenhal. Thoros claims that they're trying to save the countryside from the Lords of Westeros, who just want to destroy it. And now he would like Arya and her companions to come along. Anguy shoots an arrow into the sky and delivers a speech about how when he finishes talking, it will land right where Hot Pie's head is. When he's done talking, Hot Pie jumps out of the way and the arrow lands where he said. That's a fancy trick. As Hot Pie clambers over the wall, Thoros and Anguy make fun of his weight. How come the fat guy always has to be the comic relief?
Tyrion comes home to his chamber, which is larger and nicer than the one he had last episode. It's also got Shae in it, which might be a problem. Tyrion is worried that she might have been seen because that would mean Tywin would certainly kill her. Shae wants to talk to him about something, but she has to kiss him to make him care about her problems. She's concerned about Sansa talking to Littlefinger because Roz warned her about him. But immediately after telling this to Tyrion, she's more concerned about the fondness with which Tyrion speaks of Roz. He admits, "All right, yes. I fucked her. Once. Twice." But he swears he's been true to Shae since they've been together. The point is that Roz said that Sansa shouldn't trust Littlefinger. Tyrion doesn't think that's newsworthy: "Is there an idiot in any village who trusts Littlefinger?" Well, Sansa seems to trust him. Tyrion thinks Sansa will have many suitors to distract her from the loss of Joffrey because she's so beautiful and has an old name. Now Shae is outraged that he finds Sansa beautiful, so he tries to defend himself by claiming that Sansa is objectively beautiful. She mocks him a little, and then kisses him. He continues to warn her about how dangerous this place is, but she's distracted by fellating him. Now he's distracted, too!
Margaery goes to visit Joffrey. He's sitting in his bedroom fondling his enormous crossbow, which isn't quite pointed at her. This is how he used to talk to Sansa, and she was always terrified. Let's see how Margaery handles the same situation! Joffrey says he's leaving on a hunting trip, and she assures him she has everything she could want. And she makes a point of playing up the luxury of King's Landing, as opposed to Renly's "military encampment," which was no place for a lady. Joffrey asks if the bedside of a traitor was a place for a wife. He tries to intimidate her: "What was your duty to this traitor, as you saw it?" She's not as easily frightened as Sansa. Joffrey asks why she failed to provide him children. At first, she doesn't want to speak ill of the dead, but Joffrey reminds her he was a traitor. He sure likes to throw the word "traitor" around. She claims the subtleties of politics are often lost on her, and if Joffrey had any sense at all, he'd recognize that as a preamble to a very carefully measured statement. Sure enough, Margaery delicately suggests that Renly might not have been interested in the company of women. She goes into some detail: "He never wanted to try. Except one evening, after he'd had far too much wine to drink, he suggested something. Something that sounded very painful and couldn't possibly result in children." Joffrey says Renly was a known degenerate. He looks uncomfortable, but he's the one who brought up the subject. He says he's considered making his perversion punishable by death. Margaery has taken control of the tempo of the conversation, so she strokes his crossbow and reminds him that he's the king.
Then Joffrey talks about his crossbow, which is the thing he actually cares about. It's custom made, you know. Margaery politely asks, "Will you show me how it works?" because it's important to take part in your fiancé's interests. The neat thing about this crossbow, aside from the fact that it's enormous and covered in filigree, is that it's drawn with a lever, not a crank. She looks on admiringly. Joffrey shoots a boar's head through the eye, and she claps delightedly. It actually is a pretty good shot. She says she'd like to go hunting with him, although her father would never let her. Joffrey tells her, "You no longer belong to him." Then he lets her hold his crossbow. The two of them look at the mirror so they can see her holding it. She says, "I imagine it must be so exciting to squeeze your finger here and watch something die over there." Joffrey's expression says volumes. She's absolutely got his number. He asks if she could kill something. She asks if he thinks she could. She asks, "Would you like to watch me?" Yes. Yes he would. Margaery's already deciding how to keep Joffrey occupied while she's running his kingdom. I recommend getting Cersei out of the way first, though.
Back to Theon, where things aren't going any better. Someone is drilling a hole in his foot. And the angle means that we can tell he's wearing pants. Sorry about authorizing the use of your perverted imagination earlier. His torturers are now talking to him, but they're not being too helpful, since the only thing they're saying is that they want the truth. They ask him why he took Winterfell. He gasps out that he wanted to hold it and rule it. This results in more foot drilling. Theon tries again: "I took it to bring glory to my house and my father!" That doesn't help much. He tries claiming that he hated the Starks and wanted to hurt them. A sack gets put back on his head, and everyone leaves. The kid who sweeps the floor (you need one of those because torture chambers can get pretty messy) looks up uneasily. He takes the sack off Theon's head and says, "Your sister sent me." Theon gasps, "Yara!" That's so we'll remember who his sister is. The floor-sweeper says he'll come back tonight when the castle sleeps. Then he resacks him and leaves. I think he should bring a wheelbarrow or something because Theon will be in no shape to walk.
Back to the Bran storyline. Rickon runs off down a hill. His wolf goes off to keep an eye on him. We're in the third season of this show, and there has been no reason at all to have Rickon in it so far. This episode might the one with the most screentime for him, and he still sprints out of the shot when the scene starts. Let's get back to the plot: Jojen is encouraging Bran to embrace his weird dream sequences. He tells Bran he knows he can see through the eyes of his wolf sometimes. And he knows about the three-eyed raven, which is apparently not related to being a warg. The raven brings the sight, which lets you see the future, the past, and things that are far away. Osha is cranky that there's someone else saying weird, mythic things, since that was kind of her schtick. And she was spreading fear and loathing of magic, while Jojen seems keenly in favor of the supernatural. Jojen says that father is Howland Reed, who saved Eddard's life during the rebellion. But Howland didn't talk much about the rebellion, so he had to use his shining. I mean, um, "three-eyed raven sight." Bran asks, "What else did you see?" Jojen says he saw the only thing that matters: Bran.
Thoros has brought Arya and crew to an inn. It's got a lot of people in it, which I mention because I just got to this scene in the books, and it's deserted there. And I thought it would be funny if I only pointed out the most trivial differences between the show and the books. Anyway! Thoros offers the children some ale, and Arya sternly says she doesn't drink ale. And they're not children. So, he asks, how did you escape from Harrenhal with properly forged weapons? Arya explains that Gendry is a smith who learned his trade in King's Landing. Thoros has heard of Gendry's old master, who apparently charged twice as much as anyone. Arya settles on her basic story: Gendry stole them all weapons and they ran. There's no mention of Jaqen H'ghar and his changing face and ability to assassinate anyone. Arya talks tough, emphasizing that she knows how to use a sword because her brothers taught her. She's in disguise, so she can't say she was taught by Syrio Forel. She pulls out her sword, and Thoros does as well. They do a little fencing in the inn, to the amusement of the other inn-going denizens. It ends when Thoros knocks Arya's sword out of her hand. Then he offers a toast: "To your brothers!" And then he tells them, "You can finish your meals before you go. It may be a while before you see another." Arya is ready to leave right now. Thoros starts to raise a cup, but then some people bring in a giant prisoner. Who could this prisoner be? There's a sack over his head, so we can't see his face. But then they take the sack off and it's the Hound! He sees Thoros and says, "Thoros. The fuck you doing here?" Eloquent, isn't he? Arya goes to leave, trying to hide her face. The Hound sees her and blows the whole deal: "Girl. What in seven hells are you doing with the Stark bitch?" Arya's been found out! This is quite a cliffhanger, so naturally we cut to a different scene.
Brienne and Jaime walk along a river. There's a bridge that they might cross. Jaime talks about the pros and cons of crossing the bridge or going through the river. If they cross the bridge, they'll be highly visible to people on either side of the river. But if they go through the river, the current might sweep them away, or Jaime might be able to escape. Brienne tells him to shut up. Then they cross the bridge, which prompt Jaime to call Brienne a gambler. He sits down halfway across, complaining about his feet. His theory is that he never used to get corns, since he got to ride horses everywhere. Brienne bends down to pick him up, because she's willing to carry him to King's Landing if necessary. But then! He grabs her sword and cuts his hands free. He backs up, and Brienne draws her other sword. Jaime comments that he always wondered why some people carried two swords. I guess now he knows: it's in case one of them gets stolen. They fight on the bridge. He seems to be playing with her as he turns his back and examining her footwork. He comments, "You move well... for a great beast of a woman." He also recommends against grimacing before lunging. There's a great camera angle from above. Jaime ducks under a swing. Then he comments that she's at a disadvantage because she's not really supposed to kill him, but if she doesn't, he's determined to kill her. They go back and forth as it looks like she's gaining the advantage. She kicks him in the stomach, and one advantage she's got is that she's in armor and he's in rags. He swings big and shoves his shoulder into her abdomen. But she's bigger than he is, so it doesn't do much. She waits for him to come up to her, and knocks him aside with a backhand to the face. With, let me emphasize, an armored gauntlet. She backs him up against the edge of the bridge and knocks away his attacks contemptuously. Then she faces the edge of the bridge because there are some horses coming up to them.
Jaime stands and identifies the banner: "The Flayed Man of House Bolton." I may have said this before, but I think "The Flayed Man" is a terrible sigil for your house. I realize there are already people with Lions and Dragons, but surely there's something cooler out there. Heck, even Regular, Non-Flayed Man is more impressive. There are a number of mounted soldiers facing them. At least five. And also the harmless guy they saw earlier, who says, "That's him all right." Jaime glares at Brienne for not killing the witness when he had the chance. Then he goes with Lannister Tactic No. 1: "Let us go. My father will pay you whatever you want." No sale; this guy's too afraid of what Robb would do. The men on horses advance onto the bridge. Brienne and Jaime slowly retreat. End of scene! And episode!