Footage of Porn Mouth dead drunk, getting treated like a puppet by a random boy at last week's party hits the internet and stirs things up. Parents who saw the party clip are calling for the very football players who are the stars of the show to get expelled from the team! But Coach and Tami vow to whip these death-wish teens into shape. Coach gets very stern with his players, by making them wear coats and ties. The girls get stuck in an endlessly droning meeting with a drug and alcohol counselor. In other words, the girls once again get the shit end of the stick.
Proving that rule is Julie, who has the good luck to be the one millionth girl to fall for a lowly humanities TA's smoke and mirrors game-- you know, the one where a shabby blazer, through some process of alchemy, aided by the misperception of youth, starts to look sexy. What I'm trying to say is, the minute stupid (married!) Derek Bishop gives her a C- and tells her to "take some risks," she jumps into bed with him. I hope there's a Felicity-esque time travel episode at some point where we can fast forward and get a drink with Julie when she's thirty, groaning over what the hell she was thinking with this schlub.
Vince's father is out of prison and Vince is all het up about it. He doesn't want this man, who abandoned them and seemingly abused his mother, back in his life. Vince brings it all to Coach, breaking down and shouting that he doesn't know how to be good, to be a stand-up man, because his father never taught him how. When Coach and Vince hug at the end of a Lions win, Vince's father looks on with regret. Later, he packs his bags and leaves Vince and his mother, telling Vince that he knows he missed his chance to be his father, but that he's proud of him nonetheless.
Buddy's son-- still living in Colorado (right? or Arizona?) with his mom and Rice Dream-- is getting into trouble, smoking pot and other pre-meth-y things. Pam is at her wit's end and on the phone with Buddy every day. Finally he tells her to send Buddy, Jr. back to Dillon. I honestly can't remember one thing about this kid, which must be the story of his life, little brother to the one and only Lyla Garrity.
Everyone is gathered at Buddy's cavernous new bar. Austin blues prodigy Gary Clark, Jr. plays music for Tami to momishly snap her fingers to, while Luke gazes at Becky, and a big crowd of kids watch the most recent Lions win on a big screen television. The band wraps up its song and Buddy takes over the microphone, asking the crowd to give it up for the East Dillon Lions, explaining that this is the opening night of Buddy's Bar, and then explaining the new ritual of putting a football from each Lions victory into a case there at Buddy's.
Cut over to Vince's apartment where he comes home late to find his mother vacuuming. My first thought was: oh no, it's meth this time? But, as she reluctantly explains after some small talk about the game, she's up cleaning because his father has been released from jail. She wants Vince to come with her to pick him up at jail, but all Vince wants is some reassurance that he won't be living with them. His mom demurs and Vince stomps off to bed.
Credits. When we come back, we're looking at a video clip titled "Drunk Puppet Girl!!!!" of Porn Mouth being handled like, well, a drunk puppet. Principal Levi sternly identifies a series of football players who appear in the background of the video-- Dallas Tinker, Luke Cafferty, Vince Howard-- as Coach and Tami look on. Tami murmurs about how awful the video is while Levi tells them that parents are calling for the football players they see to be expelled. Coach whoa-whoas him, pointing out that there are dozens of other boys there and asking Levi to not expel anyone until he (Coach) can look into the situation. Levi leans back and agrees to the favor. Out in the hallway, Coach stands around in his dad socks-and-shorts while they shake their heads about how unacceptable this video is. Coach says he'll ask his players what was happening and Tami says that the girls need to be dealt with, as well. Coach, consternated, says "We didn't do any of this crap when we were kids" which Tami's surprised reaction points out is obviously a willful sort of amnesia. She just mutters, "Uh, yeah" and then turns to leave. Her face here is like maddeningly opaque, denying us access to what is clearly some sort of X-rated montage of the stupid shit they did do as kids playing in her mind.
Julie's history lecture discussion section breaks up as Head TA Derek Bishop (please do read sarcasm in my use of the "title" he introduced himself with) hands back papers. Julie has earned a C-, and girl, do I remember that feeling. Straight A public school student totally tanking on those first few college assignments.
East Dillon cafeteria, Jess and Vince talk about his father. Vince exposits that he treated his mother badly which is why she was so "messed up" for so long. Jess wonders if maybe people change and points out to Vince, "I mean, you changed," but he comes at the subject with that extreme morality of youth, shrugging and saying, "I didn't go to jail."
Buddy is on the phone outside his bar, with Pam! Remember his wife Pam? Who married Rice Dream? Well, she's having lots of trouble with his son, Buddy, Jr., who is apparently getting bad grades, staying out all night and all that. Buddy tells Pam that he's just going through a phase, but she counters with an After School Special dun-dun-dun declaration: "I think he's smoking marijuana." Buddy pauses and asks if she thinks or she knows. She shrieks that she just needs Buddy to come out there to California. Buddy gets pissed, saying that he's wanted to be a part of Buddy, Jr.'s life for years and she hasn't let him, and then on and on, circling the drain of depressing divorced people arguments. Buddy tells her that he'll figure something out.
Tami has Porn Mouth in her office where they engage in the most intense battle of passive aggressive smile-hating on each other. Tami asks her what she feels about the video, and Porn Mouth reminds her that she is a vacuous and nearly soulless product of the American entertainment industry. Tami tries another tack, telling her that she let this happen to herself, that she let those boys do that to her. Which, hmmmm. Finding the entire "girls need to stay sober to stay on constant guard from marauding boys" thing troubling. Porn Mouth tells Tami that it was a party and they were just having fun. Tami, with an ice-cold smile: "Doesn't look like you were having fun, looks like you were passed out cold." Porn Mouth, seeing that ice-cold smile, and raising Tami a cheery blizzard of disregard: "Have you ever been to a party?" Tami: "Sure have. I usually try to stay awake, it's a lot more fun that way." One eyeroll more from Porn Mouth and we're out.
Out on the football field, Coach has the players lugging huge tires around while he berates the boys about the video who everyone, including CHURCHMATES, have seen! Coach calls them to take a knee, and tells them that they can't act like thugs. He's not holding them to a higher standard, just holding them to "our" standard. Vince and Luke talk back, wondering why he's putting everything on them, like they were the only ones there. Coach calls them dumb and then doffs his sunglasses to really get serious: "Anyone who breaks our standard will be off the team, and that is a promise." I love that Coach takes his glasses off to make a promise, but I kind of wish he would also unleash the hair when he does so as well.
Vince comes home to find his mother and father hanging out in the kitchen talking and laughing. He walks in, stonefaced, while his father tries to greet him with endearments and a big smile. Vince tells his father that he's not so little anymore and resists his father's attempt to hug him. They drift back toward the kitchen where his mother tries to smooth things over by talking about food. But when Vince catches sight of his father's suitcase on the couch, he demands to know what the hell is going on. His father: "You didn't tell him?" and once it registers that he's meaning to stay there, Vince storms out the door.
And now for a tremendously horrifying scene. All the girls are gathered in the cafeteria to listen to a sing-songy counselor type lady drone on and on about what happens to your body when you drink alcohol. Various cell phones ding and burble, the soundtrack of teen boredom. Jess, alone among the other girls, tries to look at the handout she's been given, but even she is obviously thinking "This is dumb as hell." Tami watches the girls and gets increasingly agitated until she stands up, instructs them to put away the hair brushes and telephones and pay attention. She tells them that she knows they've seen the video, "it is sad and it is disturbing, I'm sure you will agree. It's sad to see a girl throwing up her guts. It's disturbing to see a girl being passed around like a rag doll." Porn Mouth giggles and Tami upbraids her and continues. Then a second girl sasses, "Bo-ring" and Tami just loses her shit. "EXCUSE ME?" she shrieks. And, y'all, it is SCARY when Tami Taylor loses her shit! She yells at the girl, tells her to leave, which the girl does with a maddeningly practiced impassive face. TEENS! It's like they don't even care about anything you have to say! Tami tells the girls that they need to learn how to take care of themselves, because soon no one will be doing it for them.
Over on the football field, two players joke around reenacting the Drunk Puppet Girl scene. Helpfully, they are two players we do not know and who are not important to the team. So Coach's decision is easy. When he sees them, he asks whether they've ever known him to not keep a promise. They hang their heads and he orders them off his field and off his team. God, boys are so much easier to deal with.
At UT, Julie has brought her paper to Head T.A. Derek Bishop to ask what's wrong with it. He tells her that there's nothing wrong, it just feels safe. He smarms that he feels that there is a very interesting mind in her (heh, yeah, it's her MIND that he wants access to), and that she needs to take some risks. She kind of mutters, "So that's what college is for" and it's almost like you can actually see him start putting together the grocery list for the charmingly destitute spaghetti dinner he'll invite her over to share, after which they will move the five feet from his table to the bed, which lies directly on the floor, its crumb-bestrewn reality dimmed and made more lovely by the soft lighting cast by the candles he has stuck in wine bottles around the room, and they will lie together and then later maybe discuss Arendt and OH GOD WHY DOES YOUTH HAVE TO BE SO HEARTBREAKINGLY PREDICTABLE?
Back at the East Dillon Cafeteria of Traumatic Tami Taylor Breakdowns, the alcohol counseling is over and Jess tells Tami that she's sorry for how everyone acted. Tami is appreciative, and Jess shakes her head about these damn slutty rally girls. But then she says that she can kind of understand them, "because everyone just wants to feel a part of the team" and Tami Taylor comes up with a "brilliant" idea. She asks Jess what she would think about becoming equipment manager for the football team. She can't guarantee it, but she knows Coach is looking for one. Jess brightens at the idea.
On the Football Field of Endless Practice, Coach has his players take a knee and tells them that some of them probably should be kicked off the team, even the state of Texas. He tells them that people are watching them, and so there are now new rules: "No more jerseys on game days, coats and ties" and also some community outreach. They all groan but then give him a hearty "Yes, sir" when he asks if they understand. Cut over to the parking lot of the grocery store where the team, all spiffed up in coats and ties-- including Hastings' thrift store get-up, and another super natty Malcolm X looking kid-- try to hand out fliers. Nobody wants one, and soon the players lose motivation, some of them peeling off to leave. Luke begs Vince to stand up and be a leader and make them stay, but Vince is fully in stomp mode, still, so he heads off, too.
Buddy and Coach talk things over at Buddy's bar. Buddy doesn't know what to do about Buddy smoking marijuana (probably, Buddy posits, given to him by "that hippy" Rice Dream). Buddy goes on and on about how Pam wanted the divorce, wanted to raise the kids, and all that just tore his heart. I guess he's forgetting the whole part about his own rampant infidelity spurring the whole divorce thing. Buddy complains and complains about Pam until Coach finally jumps in and says maybe this isn't about Buddy or about Pam, but about the son, who needs Buddy right now. "Nobody ever said being a father would be easy." Buddy finally shuts up and thinks things over.
Commercials. Coach and Tami's bedroom. Tami makes the bed, Gracie babbles, Coach is in the bathroom. Tami pitches Jess as equipment manager, saying that it's time to change things around that school, bring it out of the '50s, make good on all their talk about self-esteem. Coach is resistant, thinks girls in locker rooms is a bad idea, especially when the girl is the girlfriend of the quarterback. Tami punts the question to Gracie, asking her to ask her father to just think about it. Coach points at his little girl and says "Don't you dare" but the damage is done. Gracie, with a big smile, repeats, "Think about it, Daddy!"
Vince runs sprints on the football field while Jess times him. She tells him about the equipment manager thing but Vince can't even get involved in that whole thing. He tells her he's just got a lot on his mind but when she asks how it went, he takes off running back and forth. Boys.
Insufferable history department salon. Julie, glass of wine in hand, overhears these two total dweebs exchanging Ceasar quotes and "bwah hah hah"ing. She rolls her eyes and switches attention to Head T.A. Derek Bishop who is in a conversation with a flighty 40-something academic woman who exclaims over how proud he must be of... HIS WIFE! Who is doing such great work while she's on sabbatical! Ha! Head T.A. Derek Bishop is not only married, but he is married to a professor! And I know that I should not embrace such outmoded ideas about gender and power, but I hate Head T.A. Derek Bishop so much that I'll just go with it: he just got even LAMER in my eyes, all sad and small and married to a powerful woman. Julie responds to this overheard news by pouring herself an enormous glass of wine. Because girl needs wine goggles!
In the East Dillon locker room, Billy gives Jess a lesson about using a lot of bleach on the laundry to cut down on staph infections. She points at the big bin of laundry and says "There's staph in here?" Meanwhile, dirty sweaty boys file past making various comments about her. Billy loudly introduces her to the team, and then Vince comes over. Jess is acting uncharacteristically daft in this scene. She's all excited about how she gets to wear a uniform just like the boys. I mean, seriously? Can't the girl try out for an actual sport and be on a team that way? Why does she want to be on the laundry team so badly? Wasn't she on the dance team/cheerleading team before? Vince tells her this isn't going to work, but she just doofily grins and acts excited about her laundry and calls him "babe" before rolling her cart off. Another player comes up behind Vince and calls him babe.
Tami walks into a supply closet to find...Porn Mouth and a boy with Partridge Family hair going at it. Tami just sighs and says "Fancy meeting you here" while Porn Mouth giggles hello to her. Cut to Tami's office, where she has the girl inside while the boy waits outside. Tami points out that the girl was just making out in a room where they keep mops, brooms, rats. She tells the girl that this is going to get around, and she's going to get a reputation, and this is the time for her to decide what her future will be. She tells her that she knows that she's smart, and obviously is beautiful (well, uh...debatable?), and it isn't just going to be parents and kids talking about her, but college admissions. Which, well, really? Since when do college admissions committees require a virginity test? Maybe things changed under Bush? Porn Mouth starts looking more and more abashed, like Tami Taylor is getting through to her! Probably, its the force of Tami Taylor's hair. Any girl forced to sit in an office with that hair for so long is going to, at some point, do whatever the hell Tami Taylor tells her to do just in the hopes of one day having hair as great.
Vince walks home when Vince's father rolls up in a car. Vince is suspicious, and his father jokes that he has to get the car back to his friend before midnight before it turns into a paddywagon. His dad says he went down to the school to see him and Vince gets pissed, "Don't be going to my school!" and his father tells him to cool off. He wants to see his son play football, his mother says he's "like Superman." Vince just heads off on foot, despite his father's invitation to hop in the car and go get something to eat.
Julie and Head T.A. Derek Bishop walk around campus in the lovely late afternoon Texas light. Head T.A. Derek Bishop blabs on about how everyone thinks he's married but he doesn't feel married. Julie points out that he doesn't wear a wedding ring and then he goes off on this whole thing about how liberating it is to talk about his troubled marriage. Band of Horses plays in the background which is too bad because I love this band and this guy isn't worth them. Isn't that always the way? Julie sort of drunkenly says that she won't tell a soul about his marriage issues. He tells her that she's a great girl. They stop and face one another but Head T.A. Derek Bishop doesn't go anywhere when he says goodbye. So Julie goes for it, "You know what you said about taking chances?" and then leans in and kisses him.
Commercials. The morning, Julie wakes up in Head T.A. Derek Bishop's bed. She carefully extricates herself from his annoyingly sensitive grasp, puts on her underwear and pants and sneaks out the door. THAT'S MY GIRL JULIE TAYLOR. Seriously. Misguided fucks are what college is all about.
Vince eats cereal sullenly when his dad comments on how his tie is tied. Vince snarks at him about where he learned about ties. In the joint? Did he take a tie class? Vince can be funny when he's pissy. His mother jumps in and says that's enough. His dad shoos his mother off and invites Vince to come at him. Vince tells him that they were doing fine without him, and if he had anything to say about it, his father wouldn't be in the house. His dad gets up and gets in his face, "You gonna drop bombs? Then run out like a little kid? Your house? You want to talk like a man we can do that." To which Vince drops the ultimate bomb, "A man don't leave his family." And then Storm-Out Count reaches an all-time high as Vince, uh, storms out again. His mother runs after him and begs him to give him a chance. Vince asks what will happen if they give him a chance, he'll start robbing? Go back to prison? His mother begs him to give him a chance, "for me. Let's be a family." And with that, Storm-Out Count goes off the charts.
Game day. The Lions file into the locker room, looking sharp in their suits, folks lining the walkway cheering them on. Filmed with a hand-held, from a little below, Vince has the appearance of being pursued. He rushes past the crowd and into the locker room. Inside Hastings tells Vince that Coach wants to see him. Vince heads in. And there will be no storming out on Coach, I can predict that much. Coach asks Vince what's going on with him. Vince starts with the top layer -- he's annoyed he wasn't asked about Jess being in the room. Also, he's annoyed by these new rules, the shirts and ties and stuff. But Coach knows this is only the top layer. And he is not just a molder of men, but a spelunker of hearts. He will get to the bottom of this! Coach asks Vince to close the door and then starts in: he tells him that when he first met him, he was climbing out of a police car and people said that he was a punk. Vince says "screw you" but Coach doesn't take the distraction bait. He tells him that they're talking about character, about striving to be better than everybody, and Vince has done this and everyone is proud of him. And with this, Coach breaks through to the cave within Vince's heart. "Coach, my dad just got out of prison, and I can't stand him." He tells him about how his mom is asking him to be better and forgive his father, and now Coach is asking him to be better. And then he just lets it all out, yelling, "I don't know how to be better! Cuz he never taught me how!" An assistant coach butts his head in and Coach tells him to shut the door as Vince keeps yelling. Coach leans forward and tells Vince this is all about the striving to be better, not the actual being better. "You gotta try. That's character. It's in the trying." Coach gives the emotional Vince a few minutes to gather himself up. And perhaps maybe a few of us need those minutes ourselves.
Commercials. Game time. We're in the huddle, Vince calls a complicated play. The Lions are down by a touchdown. Vince throws the ball, then runs the ball, then throws the ball again for a touchdown. Game is tied. The other team gets the ball and Vince leads the crowd in a chant of "De-fense!" The Lions not only stop the ball, they force a fumble and recover it. So with under a minute to go, they've got the ball and a chance to win. Vince looks into the crowd and sees his mother cheering him on. Just as the ball snaps we see his father make his way onto the sidelines. The announcers tell us that Vince has been carrying this team all night, and back on the field, sure enough, Vince just runs the ball himself for another touchdown and the win. His dad smiles and the kids on the field celebrate, so much that they get a flag for it. Coach comes out to shake Vince's hand, and Vince looks so young and pure in his joy here as Coach tells him that this was one hell of an effort, that this is character. Vince sort of just leans into this makeshift father (and that lean is, by my estimation. the surprise tearjerker of this episode) as his real father looks on from the sidelines, finally realizing that he totally and irretrievably fucked up with this whole "father" thing.
Cut over to Buddy's where Vince, all smiles and pride, puts the football into the case, standing on a chair.
Buddy picks up the phone and calls Pam to tell her to send Buddy, Jr. home to Dillon. "He needs his father." She seems relieved and thanks him.
UT Library. Head T.A. Derek Bishop approaches Julie and asks her if she's okay. She's like, yep. Then he apologizes and she says there's nothing to be sorry about. He says that he shouldn't have let that happen, he's a teacher and she's a student. Way to have this conversation in public, Head T.A. Derek Bishop! Then he's like "So we're good, then?" and Julie is obviously, like, oh dear. "We're good" is definitely not the phrase a man with character ever uses.
Vince comes home to find his father packing his sad little suitcase. His dad tells him that he went to his game and that he wants Vince to know that he knows how much of Vince's life he's missed. That is time they'll never get back. "Look at you. You're only 17 years old, and you're already better than I ever was." His father tells him that this is Vince's house, he's the man of the house, and it was wrong that he didn't ask Vince whether he could stay there. And then, just riding the coattails of our tears, he tells his son that tonight, for the first time in his life, he knows what pride feels like. He breaks into a wide smile as he recounts his son's power on the field. Holding out his hand, Vince finally reaches out to take it. They shake hands, his father tells Vince that he is proud, and then walks out the door. Vince follows him, "Where you going to be?" and he just answers, "I'll be around" which is so sad, because, it's like he can't stay because he lost his chance at that by not being there, but by not staying, he'll just continue to not be there. And Vince is obviously caught in the middle of all that, certain that his father shouldn't get to stay, but obviously coming around to the idea that maybe having a father might be nice.