Before I begin the recap I will now announce the winners from the Freaks and Geeks contest last fall. There were two winners: Jenni who lives in the Greater Toronto Area (yay for the hometown girl), and Matt in Illinois. Both have been very patient waiting to receive their prizes while I get my act together. Congratulations to Jenni and Matt; thanks to everyone who entered the contest.
The episode opens with Lindsay and Kim standing on the side of the road, attempting to hitchhike. Lindsay thinks that hitchhiking is so cool and says she is reminded of Kerouac. She is enthusiastic at the prospect the drivers might be artists, psychics or escaped felons. A girl can dream, I guess. Kim doesn't recognize Kerouac's name even though Lindsay points out that they have been reading On the Road in their English class for the last two weeks. Kim groans that all they ever do is read in English class. Very astute, Kim. After several cars pass without stopping, Kim instructs Lindsay to stick out her chest to improve their chances of getting a ride. Eventually a car does stop just past them, and they run to get in. Kim hops in the front and asks the male driver to drop them off as close as possible to the corner of Wilson and Elm. From the back seat, Lindsay begins interrogating the driver in an effort to discover into which category he falls. After one too many questions, the driver reveals that he's a customer of her dad's, and that he is going to rat her out. Kim shoots her an ugly look, and I bet that Lindsay is really wishing that this guy had turned out to be an escaped felon.
Lindsay is now sitting at the Weir family's kitchen table, where Dad Weir, in full bombastic flight, is reading her the riot act. Dad tells Lindsay that a hitcher implicitly invites a driver to "lock me in your car, drive me somewhere and murder me." Lindsay protests, but Dad yells over her: "I will not have any daughter of mine hopping into cars like some lady of the night. You could have been picked up by Ted Bundy!" Um, except that I think Ted Bundy was already in jail at that point, but whatever. Lindsay tries to weasel out of trouble by employing the time-honoured gambit that Kim does it all the time. Surprisingly, Dad Weir does not respond with the usual parental riposte, asking if Kim jumped off a cliff would Lindsay do it too? Mom Weir does ask whether Kim's parents allow her to hitchhike. Lindsay admits that she doesn't know and Dad is quick to suppose that Kim doesn't even have parents. Lindsay claims that Mom has spoken to Kim's mom on the phone. Mom and Dad Weir decide that they want to invite Kim's mother over for dinner to get to know her. Lindsay tries to put them off, but she is overruled.
We now join Sam, Bill, and Neal on the softball field for their gym class. Coach "Biff" Fredricks chooses two jocks to be the captains and they begin to divide up the rest of the class for their teams. As other kids are chosen, the geeks remain standing together. Bill softly repeats "pick me" as the group gets smaller and smaller. Soon the only people yet to be picked are the geeks and Gordon Crisp (the fat guy who worked with Sam on the science project), and Alan (the geeks' tormenter with the buzz cut). They are chosen in the following order: Alan, Sam, Gordon, Neal, and finally Bill, who is still mouthing "pick me." Bill notices that some girls are watching and laughing at him. He is shattered.
Lindsay enters a classroom and says hey to Nick, who snubs her as she takes her seat. She calls out, "Hey Nick, how's it going?" He reluctantly looks around and replies, "Okay." Kim arrives and Nick greets her warmly. Kim sits in front of Lindsay and turns around in her seat to ask her whether she has been grounded. Lindsay springs her parents' invitation on her. Kim is incredulous that the Weirs wants her mother to come for dinner. Nick snarkily asks them to be quiet because class is starting. Poor Nick, he so obviously wants Lindsay's attention, yet he doesn't want to be seen wanting it. The no-neck English teacher arrives and announces that they are in a coffeehouse and they are no longer students: They're beat poets and they'll be reading aloud. Lindsay rolls her eyes and snickers. I shudder when I remember teachers who similarly tried to make learning "fun" like that.
Back in gym class, Bill and Gordon are in the outfield. Gordon is actually sitting on the grass while Bill shouts, "Hey batter, batter, batter, suh-wing, miss!" Gordon asks him to be quiet. Bill claims that he's really a shortstop. Gordon is skeptical of this claim. Bill's attention is diverted by a meeting on the mound, whereupon he wonders what they are talking about. Gordon sarcastically declares that "it must be fascinating." Bill rants about the injustice of being stuck in the outfield, since no one will ever know whether he's a good player if he never gets a chance to play. He goes on to muse that maybe he's "unbelievably good!" Gordon suggests that the jocks are scared of him. I'm not sure if he's being entirely sarcastic here.
we see Bill sneaking into Mr. Rosso's office and snatching a paper pinned to the bulletin board on the wall behind his desk.
Sam, Bill, and Neal are in Sam's bedroom looking at the paper Bill took, which turns out to be a list of all the teachers' home phone numbers. Bill points out Coach Biff's phone number and calls him, pretending to be Gordon's dad. Biff is sitting on his couch, in his underwear and socks, eating ice cream while the Diff'rent Strokes theme is heard in the background. Too bad that Biff is never as sage and caring as Mr. Drummond was. Bill, as Mr. Crisp, expounds on his theory of gym class injustice where the jocks get to run the game. Biff continues to eat his ice cream while listening. He apologizes and says that he "always assumed that Gordon didn't have any interest in sports." Sam and Neal look on while the ersatz Mr. Crisp instructs Biff not to "judge a book by its cover." Biff promises to rectify the situation. He hangs up and says, "Gordon Crisp?" Mission accomplished, Bill states that he has changed the geeks' lives forever. Sam whines, "Aw great, now we're actually going to have to play baseball." Neal looks disgusted at the thought. Bill says that he can't wait for tomorrow.
In the Weir dining room, Mom and Dad Weir and Kim's mother are having dinner and chatting. Kim's mom compliments them on their beautiful home and sets about telling them of the beautiful house she had before Kim's dad left. Mom sympathizes with her having to raise two kids on her own. Kim's mom mentions, "Chip, [her] oldest, he's got water on the brain, but he's a real sweetie." She describes Kim as being "a big pain in the ass," and "not the sharpest crayon in the box." She's full of the joys of motherhood, isn't she? Kim's mother continues bashing Kim and telling the Weirs that Kim goes to parties and gets loaded. How does her mother know? Why, she reads Kim's diary: "Oh, she won't do her homework but she's got a freakin' novel there." She sums up the state of teenage girldom by saying, "Times have changed. These girls today are wild."
After dinner, Mom and Dad Weir barge into Lindsay's room and forbid her to see Kim. Lindsay protests but Dad replies, "She's as dumb as a crayon, even her own mother says so." Lindsay shoots back, "Kim's mother is insane." Mom counters with, "She's not insane; she's practically a saint." Dad explains that one rotten banana will ruin a bowl of fruit and that Kim Kelly is one bad banana who experiments with drugs and boys. Lindsay doesn't refute these accusations very strenuously.
In Mom and Dad Weir's bedroom, Dad says that he doesn't trust Lindsay anymore, and brings up the cheating-with-Daniel incident. Dad wants to snoop in Lindsay's diary while Mom tries to veto it, remembering her own teenage diary days. She says it would be "a violation." They turn out the lights. In the dark, Dad says, "Oy, I've got the worst gas." Mom begs, "Please stop."
It's gym period again and about six boys, including the geeks, have yet to be chosen. Coach Biff has a word with one of the jock captains which results in the jock's choosing Gordon. Biff asks Gordon whether he wants to play shortstop. Gordon tells him that he prefers to play outfield. Bill volunteers to play shortstop. Biff insensitively snorts, "And I'm married to Raquel Welch. In my dreams." Gym teachers are always so in touch with feelings, aren't they? Everyone laughs and one of the jock captains makes his pick by saying, "Okay, I'm going to take Not Haverchuk."
In the school hallway just outside of a classroom door, Lindsay meets up with Kim, who relates that her mom "loves" the Weirs. Lindsay breaks the news that she's not allowed to hang out with Kim anymore, but is certain that it will blow over and she'll just wait it out. Kim wants to know what Mom and Dad Weir said about her, and Lindsay tells her about the "bad banana" theory. Kim doesn't know what that means. Lindsay explains that they think Kim is a bad influence. Kim presses her for more details and Lindsay hesitates for a nanosecond then says, "You're not smart, you do drugs, you have sex -- stupid stuff like that." Lindsay says that her parents are morons. Kim says that she doesn't care what the Weirs think of her. Lindsay's Spanish teacher sticks his head out of a classroom door to tell Lindsay to come to class. Lindsay replies in pretty impressive Spanish that she needs to speak to her friend first and that it is important. The teacher responds in Spanish that class is also important. By this point, Kim has walked away. She stops when Lindsay calls after her but all Lindsay can come up with is, "I'll talk to you later." Kim noncommittally says, "Yeah, sure."
It is the middle of the day and Mom and Dad Weir are snooping in Lindsay's room. Mom is reluctant to do it but Dad says that they need to find out if Lindsay is turning into a junkie or a hooker. Mom says that Lindsay is not a hooker. Dad asserts that everyone has to have parents -- even hookers -- and as proof, he cites a made-for-television movie they saw. I'm wondering if Linda Purl was in that one. While rifling through Lindsay's night table, Dad finds some stamps and mentions to Mom that he heard that kids put LSD on the back of them. Over at the bookshelf, Mom wistfully says, "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret" Dad doesn't know what she's talking so she explains that it is a book title. Hey, nice shout-out to me! Dad finds a round sewing kit which he mistakes for birth control pills. Knot sew, Dad. Ahem, I guess he thinks it looks like the Ortho Novum DialaPak. Back in 1980, after school and on weekends I worked in a pharmacy that was located in a medical centre. It was actually really awkward knowing which of my classmates were taking the Pill, or picking up other more embarrassing prescriptions. Mom eventually finds the diary in Lindsay's desk drawer and hesitates opening it. Dad insists that they read it, so Mom reads aloud the warning Lindsay has written in the front of it. It's the standard diary warning accusing the reader of having no life, and threatening a slow and painful death if he or she continues past the warning. Joe Flaherty breaks out his Count Floyd imitation, which was oft repeated by everyone in my high school in 1980, and says, "Oooh, really scary. Read on!" Mom scans a few pages and Dad demands to know what it says about Kim. Mom is so cute. She says that Lindsay thinks that Kim has balls, except that Mom won't say "balls," she says, "a different word for 'courage.'" Dad brushes that off and asks what she says about "drugs, pot, acid." Mom reads Lindsay's version of a typical teen-angst diary entry, which describes her hatred for her suburban life full of "scared robots" and cites her parents as the worst offenders. Dad doesn't understand it but since he was never a teenaged suburban girl, it is no big surprise. It seems that Lindsay also thinks that her parents are the "most repressed people on the face of the earth," and she wonders how robots could be in love. She describes their daily routine as monotonous and their meals as all being the same. She characterizes her father as barking, fascist dictator "who is scared his uh, uh, penis will fall off if he ever helps clear the table." The final sentence that Mom reads is, "I love them but it's not the life for me." Mom and Dad are speechless.
In the cafeteria the freaks are discussing the worst ways to die. Lindsay joins them and the conversation dies. Nick splits and Kim gets up to leave because she has "to go do drugs and have sex." Daniel shouts, "What?!?" Kim tells Daniel to ask Lindsay. Lindsay reiterates that her parents are jerks. Kim spits out, "I don't give what your parents say about me." Lindsay asks her why she is so angry. Kim says, "I do give what my friends say about me," and stomps off. Daniel says to Lindsay, "You sure know how to clear a room." Lindsay looks pained.
Sam, Bill, and Neal are assembled in Neal's living room. Sam wonders if "this is the best cereal [Neal's] got." Neal doesn't know because he never eats breakfast, he just has coffee. Bill deadpans, "Before or after you shave?" Sam and I giggle like little girls. Sam requests some "sugar cereal," but Neal's dad, a dentist, says they don't have any in their house because "it rots your choppers." Dr. Schweiber asks the boys what their plans are for the afternoon. Bill announces that they're going to make prank calls. Neal tries to warn him off in Pig Latin; however, his father is conversant in the language and he tells them about his own prank calling days. That would be the golden age of prank calling before *69 and call display. Dr. Schweiber tells them about the tried-and-true method of calling a number repeatedly and asking for Maurice, then calling back a while later pretending to be Maurice and asking if the victim has any messages for you. Okay Dr. S, Dave's not here. We get it. Anyway, he tells them to "keep it clean," and heads out the door. Bill calls Biff again and this time when he answers you can hear the What's Happening? theme playing in the background. I'd like everyone to now take a moment to remember the woman who played Mama on the show because she died last fall. When I heard about it I was sad and I really hoped that Dee and Rog behaved themselves at the funeral and, just that once, stopped arguing. I think that's what Mama would have wanted. Anyway, what follows is my careful transcription of what Bill said to Biff:
You are a turd. A stinky fat turd. Go sniff a jock strap, you poophead. You love patting boys' butts -- patting boys' butts, you butt patter. You're a perv and a loser and a stinky turd.
Hey, didn't Beck use those lyrics in a song once? But I digress. It turns out that Biff isn't alone this time. A woman is sitting beside him on the couch, and she asks who was on the phone. Biff meekly says, "It was just an old friend." Meanwhile, Sam tells Bill that he better hope that Biff doesn't find out Bill did the calling. Neal warns, "If the cops trace the call, you are so dead." Bill points out that if the cops trace the call, Neal is dead. Sam laughs.
Kim and Daniel are walking together down a tree-lined street; Kim is complaining that Lindsay is a princess and that the Weirs don't want her bespoiled. Daniel makes it clear that he is tired of talking about it and listening to Kim talk about it. Kim steps in dog poop as Daniel tells her that he can understand why the Weirs are nervous. Way to add insult to injury, Daniel. Kim calls him a jerk. They make up briefly until Daniel jokingly calls Kim a sex-crazed drug addict.
Mom Weir has set the dining-room table with lots of candles and has prepared a special meal of Cornish game hens with plum wine sauce. Dad Weir isn't familiar with Cornish game hens and he wants to know if she put poison in the birdfeeder. Lindsay tentatively tries it and Mom encourages her to keep eating. Dad, on the other hand, picks up his bird (The hen! The hen! That's what I'm referring to, you sick people!) and uses a high voice to speak as the hen. Basically, he acts like a jerk and waggles it around (the hen!) while Mom gives him the stank-eye. Dad decides to make a sandwich instead, and he gets up and goes to the kitchen. Mom commands him to help clear the table if he isn't going to eat the dinner she has prepared. Dad shouts that it isn't his job to do that -- it is her job because she doesn't run the store for twelve hours a day.
In the locker room, Bill is in the process of removing his shirt. Biff tells the class not to get changed because he's been receiving prank calls and he intends to get to the bottom of it. What, is this his only class? Geez, I already thought that "teaching" gym was a pretty sweet gig, but if you only have one class it isn't even work. Anyway, he tells them that he's going to see everyone in his office, one at a time. Neal says to Bill, "Smooth move, Alexander Graham Bell."
It seems that Biff has also taken the time to transcribe the call. How weird is it that he remembers it verbatim? At least I was able to replay the scene a few times to get it down. Apparently, it cut him pretty deep. My heart is bleeding for him. Not. So, his plan is to have everyone read the text aloud, so he can figure out whether any of them were involved. The readings begin with Sam, then it cuts to the various jocks, and Alan. At the end of Neal's reading, he ad-libs, "You are a dimwit and an imbecile. I blow my nose in your general direction," until Biff protests, "Hey, that's not in there!" Neal innocently says, "It isn't?" Now it is Bill's turn, and he does it rather haltingly. Biff asks him to do it again with a lower voice. Then the scene cuts to Sam who is reading with a fake, deep voice, then to Alan who is just giggling, then to Bill again, then to Neal who does it as Shatner. At this point in the show, I'm braying like a donkey, and tears are streaming down my face. It cuts back to one of the jocks who says, "Geez coach, this is harsh." Then we get Alan giggling again. Neal does more Shatner and Biff tells him to do it as Spock, but sadly, we don't get to see that. Finally, we see Bill again and Biff busts him as the culprit. Biff wonders why he did it and Bill tells him it was because Biff's system of letting the jocks pick the teams isn't fair. He goes on to say that he might not be that bad and he can't get any better if he never gets to play. Biff is left speechless by Bill's suggestion that he should get to be a team captain.
Lindsay is at her locker when Daniel approaches her and asks her to talk to Kim because Kim is driving him nuts and being bitchy. Daniel explains that Kim thinks that Lindsay didn't stick up for her, and Kim's feelings are hurt. Lindsay tells him that Kim is too tough for hurt feelings but Daniel graphically tells her that Kim is actually a great big raw nerve. Lindsay agrees to talk to Kim.
On the baseball field, Biff announces that Bill is a captain and he allows him to choose the other captain. Bill chooses Gordon. Bill and Gordon start choosing their teams and they pick all the geeky kids first. One of the jocks complains that "the geeks have inherited the Earth." Get used to it, pal. Bill Gates and his empire will be playing a big part in your life soon enough.
While moody bongo music plays in the background, the English teacher asks Kim what the theme of On the Road is. Kim very slowly says that the theme is America and being on the road. The teacher derides her a bit which prompts Kim to say that she hated the book. She thinks that the author was clearly on drugs while writing it and that she didn't understand it because it was so disorganized. She says that she would be failed if she handed in something like that. ["At this point, I was giving Kim a standing ovation, because she is completely right. That book is poo." -- Wing Chun] The teacher asks for other opinions, and Lindsay agrees with Kim, adding that Kerouac was on Benzedrine when he wrote it. She also mentions Capote's take on the book: "It wasn't writing, it was typing." Kim seems to appreciate Lindsay's validation, and Lindsay smiles at her. The teacher mumbles "pearls before the swine."
We join the softball game in progress, with Sam on the mound, and Neal catching. Neal tells the kid at bat, "I sure had a lot of fun with your wife last night." The batter says, "What?!?" Neal continues his psychological warfare: "A lot of fun." Then Bill calls a meeting on the mound just because he always wanted to. Neal arrives and says, "A meeting on the mound. Very cool." Sam says he's "got nothing left; why don't you let one of the jocks pitch?" Bill won't hear of it because "it's our game." Bill wants to prove himself, and the game resumes to a swelling Rocky-esque theme. The play is in slow-motion and a blond jock is at the plate. Neal gives Sam several signs. Sam pitches and the jock swings and connects with the ball. Bill actually catches the ball after a lot of slow-mo running and dramatics. Sam and Neal run out to Bill and hug and celebrate. The slow-mo stops and Alan reminds them it is only the first out. Zoinks! That takes the wind out of their sails momentarily.
Back in the school, Kim, Daniel, and Nick are heading for the door when Lindsay calls out to Kim. She invites Kim to come over to her house to hang out. Kim asks about the Weirs' edict, but Lindsay brushes it off. Kim leaves with Lindsay, and reveals that she is relieved that she doesn't have to hang out with Daniel for another day. In the background we see that Daniel is equally relieved by this turn of events.
In the Weir kitchen Mom is chopping vegetables. Dad wonders, "Is the grocery store out of normal food? Is that the problem?" Mom informs him, "This is normal food." Dad counters that "pot roast is normal food. Normal food is meatloaf and it is not on fire." Mom runs to the stove and pulls a blackened fish out of it. I guess she was just ahead of her time; I think middle America became familiar with Cajun blackened food in the mid-'80s. Mom is disappointed and upset over the ruined meal and she accuses Dad of being a "mean old man."
Mom Weir cries in the bedroom and tells Dad that she doesn't want them to be robots. Dad says he doesn't want anything to change and that he loves her like pot roast. Or something like that. Then they start getting it on.
Sam, Bill, and Neal arrive at the Weirs' house and see the carnage in the kitchen, and all say, "Ew." Sam calls out to his parents, but they are nowhere to be found. They end up at the end of the hallway in front of Mom and Dad's closed door. They listen for a while and hear the sounds of parental lovin'. Bill cries out, "Eeeewwwww!" and runs back to the living room. I echo Bill's sentiments. Sam walks away while Neal lingers a moment longer at the door. Sam shoos him away and tells him that he is gross. Lindsay and Kim arrive at the front door and Kim says that they don't have go through with it, but Lindsay insists that they go in. Sam, Bill, and Neal are watching television and Lindsay asks Sam where Mom and Dad are. Sam tells her that they're in their room and Bill says that "they've been in there for over an hour." Lindsay wonders if they are arguing and Neal says, "Uh, no." Lindsay and Kim look alarmed. Mom appears from the bedroom looking somewhat dishevelled and buttoning her sweater. Kim says hi to her and Mom asks Lindsay to order pizza since dinner was ruined. Dad appears and Lindsay quickly points out to him that Kim is there. He greets Kim warmly and thanks her for giving Lindsay a ride home. Kim looks perplexed. Mom and Dad decide that they'll wait for the pizza in their bedroom, and ask Lindsay to call them when it gets there. The boys exchange horrified glances with Lindsay and Kim. Kim says, "My God, Lindsay, your parents are swingers!" Lindsay looks sick.