Lindsay's walking through the school hallway in semi-slow motion while the soundtrack plays a bluesy song about some woman who's done her man wrong. Although I tend to favour the grunge look myself (hey, it'll come back in style one day!), I have to say Lindsay looks better without her army jacket. And her hair is looking good -- more styled. She still looks kind of surly, though, until she sees a generic couple engaging in a rigorous bout of PDA against a wall; then she becomes fixated on watching them. I'm wondering just how long they're gonna go on groping each other, but it's unclear what Lindsay's thinking.
Cut to the smoking patio. Nick runs over to Lindsay and tells her she looks beautiful. Then he leads her over to Daniel and Kim, who are, as usual, draped all over each other. Kim stops fondling Daniel long enough to ask if Nick and Lindsay are going out. Nick says he doesn't "kiss and tell." As he's saying this, he starts sliding his hand down Lindsay's back. At first I think he's going to grab her ass, but it's much, much worse. Lindsay's jeans are a little tight, but Nick still manages to slide his hand into her back jean pocket. Bwahaha! Lindsay's looking about as uncomfortable as any sane woman would at the hilarious display of this tacky '70s cliché. The freak with the frizzy blond hair says, "Yeah, Nick! Grab me a piece!" Nick tells him to shut up, and Kim laughs. I do too.
After the commercial, Nick and Lindsay are walking down the school hallway. He's got his arm around her shoulder as he tells her that the professional band he auditioned for a couple of episodes back found themselves a drummer. He says he's glad he bombed his own audition, though, since otherwise he and Lindsay wouldn't have kissed that day. Lindsay laughs and looks around nervously. Aw, come on, Lindsay! I know that jean pocket thing was pretty gross, but Nick's so sweet! He goes to kiss her as she's turning to leave and bumps his nose on her head. They both laugh. He tries again and, after one more false start, manages to plant a kiss on her mouth. As he's leaving, Millie, looking resplendent in an overly cute sweater with lots of little designs on it, runs up to Lindsay. She's all in a tizzy because she saw Lindsay and Nick kissing, and she wants to know if they're going out. Lindsay hems and haws and says, "It's no big deal." Then she points out that Millie has a boyfriend. "Yeah, but Tommy goes to church!" says Millie. "Nick is a freak!" "So what?" asks Lindsay. Millie claims that freaks only go out with freak girls, and that Lindsay is not one. Lindsay asks, "How would you know?" to which Millie dramatically replies, "Because freaks go all the way!" Lindsay turns away in disgust, telling Millie, "You have no idea what you're talking about." Millie brings up the subject of a classmate named Patty Filker, whom she claims is a freak: "And she has a baby. But I guess that's no big deal either." Millie cracks me up. But am I missing something here? I was in high school in the States during the early '80s, and I don't remember condoms being all that hard to find. I'll bet Millie doesn't know what condoms are, though. Heck, she probably doesn't even know what tampons are. In any case, Lindsay tells Millie to mind her own business and stalks off.
Lindsay walks right past Neal and Bill. Bill is in fine form, saying he doesn't want to be late for Bio: "Yesterday I was late, and everyone looked at me." They run into Sam, just as Cindy Sanders walks by. Cindy says hi to Sam but keeps walking. Sam looks stunned for a moment before he replies, "Oh, hi, Cindy, how are you?" Cindy's already halfway down the hall, though. Neal laughs at Sam and says, "Oh, hey, Merv Griffin! Nice interview!" Sam seems pissed.
Lindsay's looking as bored as she possibly can while waiting for Mr. "Call Me Jeff" Rosso in the Guidance Office. When he shows up, she asks if there is anything wrong. He replies, "No, just checking in with my good friend Lindsay Weir. Anything wrong with that?" I'll bet Lindsay wants to say, "Well, yes, actually, there's plenty wrong with that." But she's too polite, so she says, "No, I guess not." Mr. Rosso says, "Hey, have you checked out the new Rush album? I've gotta say it rocks pretty heavily, and that's coming from a guy who's seen Hendrix live." Lindsay confines herself to a simple eye-rolling and a half-hearted, "Yeah, I hear it's pretty good." Fake-o bonding out of the way, Jeff starts right in on business. "Soooo," he drawls out, "I hear you and Nick Andopolis are getting pretty tight." Lindsay rolls her eyes again and insists that she and Nick are just friends. Mr. Rosso says, "Hey, no need to explain anything to me. I got it on in a van at Woodstock, so I'm not judging anybody!" Eech. Can y'all say, "Inappropriate?" I once again thank the deity of my choice, as I often do when Mr. Rosso is on-screen, that my own high school guidance counselor was old enough to be my father and confined himself to helping me with my college applications and letting me weasel my way out of Phys Ed. Jeff gives a little speech about how "it's easy to get confused" when teenage emotions are "running high." He tries to hand Lindsay a pamphlet with a cheesy line drawing of an embracing couple and the title, "Dating, Sex and You." Her response: "Oh, my God!" He tells her she has to be careful, to which she replies with an extremely irritated, "I know, I know," as she starts to get out of her chair to leave. Not so fast, Lindsay. Jeff is just getting started with the TMI: "One night I was checking out this discotheque -- the one at the bowling alley on 15 Mile." Ooh, sounds swanky. Mr. Rosso goes on to tell her about how he kissed this girl and "one thing led to another, and now I get sores on my lip once a month." Lindsay grimaces. In case you weren't paying attention, Mr. Rosso spells it out: "I have herpes." Lindsay's voice cracks as she asks if she can leave. "I just blew your mind, didn't I?" asks Jeff. Lindsay tries vainly to assure him that he hasn't. She finally gets to leave, but not without having to accept the little Sex Ed pamphlet.
A bunch of students are walking into the Biology classroom. There's some twangy background music to accompany the really fat guy. I'm not sure, but I think maybe fat guys are supposed to be funny or something. Neal points out that the fat guy, Gordon, reeks. This leads to some speculation on his shower habits, with Sam pointing out that his mom says that taking baths doesn't get you really clean. Bill concurs: "Yeah, you just sit in your own filth." Trace Beaulieu is back as the Biology teacher, and he tells the class they will be dissecting kittens today. He admits he said that just to get their attention, and that today is the day they get their lab partner assignments. Obviously, Sam hopes to be paired with that lame-o Cindy Sanders; he gets fat Gordon instead. Gordon gives Sam a cheery wave. It could be worse, Sam. At least Gordon looks like one of those jolly fat people -- you know, the old cliché. Actually, it does get worse for Sam: Bill gets assigned Cindy as his lab partner. After rubbing Sam's face in that disappointment for a while, Bill gets up to sit to his new lab partner. Sam looks on while Bill asks Cindy, "Excuse, me, madam, may I take this seat?" Cindy is perky as hell. Does she ever have a bad day?
In study hall, Lindsay is reading while Daniel plays with a pencil. (Oh, no, I don't mean anything by that; he really is playing with a pencil.) He gets Lindsay's attention to tell her how glad he is that she's going out with Nick. He must be more stoned than usual, because he belabours this point for some time. Lindsay tries to get back to her reading, but Daniel keeps staring at her until she looks back at him. He's got this horndog leer on his face as he says, "Nick's a stud, you know? He may not seem like it, but he is." Am I the only one who thinks that's a really odd thing to say? The teacher comes over to ask Nick if he has something to do. He says, "Right, but I thought we were gonna do that after class, Ms. Yeats." It must be that special male musk Daniel has that makes Ms. Yeats just smile at him and say, "Be still, my beating heart," instead of, say, yakking up her lunch on the spot. I know Daniel has a good share of supporters in the forums here, but I still find him a little skeevy, especially when he keeps that leering smile pasted on his face while telling Lindsay he likes Ms. Yeats's dress.
Lunch with the geeks is always a treat. The topic du jour is lab partners. Sam's having a hard time eating his tuna sandwich -- he claims it smells like Gordon. Bill says Cindy smells, too: "Like flowers." Sam laughs half-heartedly, then turns the conversation back to his stupid crush on Cindy. He asks Bill if she had anything to say about him. Bill replies, "I don't know. Her tongue was in my ear the whole time." Bill teases Sam some more, until the incredibly irritating Cindy comes over to the table. She says hi to Sam and Neal, only she calls him "Nate" and then cuts him off when he tries to correct her. She wants to know if Bill can come to her house at 4:30 to work on the lab assignment. Sam and Neal exchange incredulous looks while Bill tries to act all cool as he says, "I think I can schedule you in." Cindy leaves perkily, ignoring Neal. Bill tries to decide whether to wear Old Spice or Hai Karate when he goes to Cindy's house. "Definitely Old Spice," says Neal, while Sam puts his head in his hands in frustration. Hmm, looks like his teenage emotions are "running high." Maybe he needs to have a little chat with Mr. Rosso.
Daniel and Kim are walking down the stairs with Nick and Lindsay. They're all talking about something called "donkey basketball," whatever that is. Lindsay claims it's mean to the donkeys and asks, "How would you like some big, fat teacher on your back while you run around a gym?" Daniel asks Kim, "Yeah, how did your date with Fredricks go?" Okay, that was pretty funny. The class bell rings; Kim and Daniel start making out. Must be some sort of Pavlovian response. Nick asks Lindsay out on a date for Friday night. She agrees, nervously, and you can tell she's desperately thinking of something to do on their date so she won't have to be alone with him. She asks if he's seen The Elephant Man. Nick looks for him over her shoulder, until he realizes she's talking about the movie about "the deformed guy." The psychotic math teacher comes around, yelling at people to get to class. It turns out Nick was thinking of having Lindsay over to his parents' house, where they can be alone. It's obvious she doesn't want to agree to that, but the psycho math teacher comes by yelling again. Nick presses Lindsay again about Friday and, put on the spot, she agrees. Nick leaves, looking happy, while Lindsay just looks worried.
The twangy "Fat Gordon" theme plays while Gordon compliments Sam's room. He also compliments Sam's Star Wars bed sheets. The guys discuss science a bit, and then Gordon asks to borrow Sam's pencil. There goes the "Fat Gordon" theme again, as Gordon first chews on the pencil and then uses it to root around in his ear for a while. Sam watches in dismay. He's still looking a little horrified when Gordon gives him the pencil back, so Gordon asks him what's wrong. He answers his own question, though, figuring out that Sam is upset because he wanted his lab partner to be Cindy Sanders. Well, duh, anyone could tell that Sam is completely infatuated. I just think that makes Cindy all the dopier for being the only one who hasn't clued in. I'm not knocking Gordon, though, because he's seeming cooler by the minute. Of course, Sam has to ask Gordon's opinion on whether Cindy likes him. Gordon doesn't know, because "cheerleaders are hard to read that way." Hee! He ingratiates himself further by suggesting that Sam and Cindy would make a good couple.
Speaking of Cindy, Bill is waiting for her in her room. The room is just as dorky as she is, though I would kill for the hot pink beanbag chair Bill's sitting on. ["I'd like to add that Bill is leafing through Cindy's copy of Miss Piggy's Guide to Life, which my cool aunt Janine had in 1980, and with which I was fascinated at the time." -- Wing Chun] Cindy comes in with a tray of crudités, saying, "I'm so bad. I can't do my homework without having a snack first." Oh, yeah -- such a bad-ass. Bill looks bewildered as he eyes the vegetables and asks, "Do you have chips or cookies?" Nope, Cindy's parents won't let them eat junk food. Cindy pulls up a chair, and Bill hands her the vegetables, as if he can't wait to get them off his hands. Bill opens up a book and then closes it almost immediately, asking if Cindy wants to watch Welcome Back, Kotter. He launches into an impression of Horshak's laugh, which causes Cindy to look at him with concern and ask if he's all right. It turns out she's never seen Welcome Back, Kotter because she doesn't watch much TV -- except for The Muppet Show. Bill looks vaguely disgusted, or at least as much as his usual deadpan expression will allow. Cindy says, "I'm sorry, I've been hogging these," as she hands the vegetables over to Bill. He eyes the vegetables warily and then takes a carrot stick and starts munching on it. When Cindy asks him if he'd like something to drink, he just says, "Mm-hmm," in a tone of voice that almost suggests she has been rude not to offer up to now. As Cindy gets up from her chair, we hear what the closed captioning describes as a "fart-like sound." Cindy rolls her eyes and blames the chair. As she leaves, Bill stares after her in wonder and then looks at the chair, a standard-issue girly desk chair with a pink vinyl cushion. When he's sure Cindy has left, he moves over to the chair and sits down, then stands up again. No sound. After trying it again with no results, he sits down again and starts squirming around. There's still no sound. He stops and stares off into space contemplatively. I guess this kind of "science" is more up his alley.
Back in Sam's room, Gordon is offering up advice on how to stalk Cindy. He tells Sam to memorize her class schedule so he can "bump into her and say hi." He should also ask her, "Hey, did you change your hair?" But most importantly, he should join all her after-school clubs. Hmm, that ought to be easy -- I'll bet she does every activity there is. The clubs part of the plan is especially important because it should give Sam a chance to spend lots of time with her and make sure she's not falling in love with someone else. Like Bill, for instance. At first Sam expresses some disbelief that Cindy would fall in love with Bill, but Gordon points out that "being lab partners is like getting stranded on a desert island. You never know what might happen."
Nick and Daniel have retreated to the window seat under the school staircase, which I like to think of as their "extra-stoned" place. Nick says, "I heard Kim got an 'A' on her World Civ test. [pause] Oh, no, that's right. That was my girlfriend." But then he adds, "Lindsay got detention for flipping off her gym teacher. [another stoned pause] Oh, no, that's right. That was your girlfriend!" Daniel says he heard Kim punched Nick in the chest really hard. "Whoops, that was me," he says, thumping Nick in the chest and then getting up to leave. One of the many things I love about this show is how they'll set up the joke, deliver the punchline and then add a little something extra at the end. In this case, it's Nick saying, "That was really hard."
Bill and Sam are arguing about the incredibly irritating Cindy Sanders. Bill says, "I'm telling you, she's abnormal. Man, she eats carrot sticks and likes Miss Piggy." Sam claims the Muppets are cool, though. "The Swedish Chef is kind of cool, but Miss Piggy's lame." Aw, yeah! I love the Swedish Chef! But Bill's right on about Miss Piggy, though. The only funny thing even remotely related to Miss Piggy was when she was on the Martha Stewart Christmas Special a few years back, and you could tell Martha was about to lose it and throttle her. Sorry, my attention keeps wandering because Sam's obsession with Cindy is so BLOODY DULL. Bill goes a long, long way toward redeeming this plotline, though, especially when he tells Sam that Cindy "cut the cheese." You can tell Sam's pissed as he says, "That's not funny." I beg to differ, but I do have to give Sam credit for defending Cindy. Bill says, "I heard it, man, I swear! She blamed it on the chair, but she cut the cheese." One of the biggest problems with recapping this show is that there's no way words can convey Bill's delivery of lines like that. Sam asks what kind of chair it was, and Bill replies that it was vinyl. Sam claims that vinyl chairs squeak. Bill says, "It wasn't a squeak. It was the sound of cheese being cut!" Sam accuses Bill of making this up to discourage Sam from liking Cindy because Bill likes her now. That's awfully chivalrous of you to think everyone loves Cindy, Sam, but, uh, no. Bill looks pretty taken aback as he says, "What?!" The argument is cut short when Cindy comes bouncing down the stairs, chirping a cheery, "Hey, guys, what's up?" Sam decides to avail himself of a little of Gordon's advice and says, "You changed your hair." Smooth, Sam. Cindy looks embarrassed as she points out that her hair just looks really flat today. I wonder if the writers intended that to be a dig at early '80s hair or not, because Cindy's hair looks the same as it always does. Cindy and Bill make plans to meet at Bill's house after Cindy's yearbook meeting, and Bill leaves with Cindy, shuffling after her with his hundred-and-twenty-year-old-man gait.
Lindsay hasn't completely lost touch with her straight-A self. She hands a finished test paper to her English teacher, who says, "Lindsay, it's a test, not a race. And if it were a race, Millie already beat you." Lindsay sits back down behind Millie. You know, I've never really noticed how pretty the actress is who plays Millie. Even with her hair hatchet-parted and slicked back into a ponytail, she's got really pretty bone structure. She's still a little peeved at Lindsay but agrees to talk to her anyway. Lindsay says, "Remember when we used to love Leif Garrett? And we used to take my Dynamite magazines out and kiss his picture?" Okay, that's the type of activity that's hard to forget, no matter how much you may like to forget it. And actually, it reminds me of how my sister and her friend used to buy Teen Beat magazine for the penpals section and then write fake letters to them while claiming to be other people on the penpals page, saying things like, "How can you like John Stamos? He's so gross!" Oh, don't worry, they weren't mean enough to actually mail the letters. At least I don't think they were. But I digress. Millie and Lindsay reminisce about going to see Leif Garrett at the state fair and getting into the front row only to find that it was Jack Albertson from Chico and the Man. Lindsay claims, "That kinda sucked," but the fact that Millie thinks it was "kinda funny" gives me hope for her yet. The point Lindsay wants to make is this: "We always dreamed of having a boyfriend, and I think I finally have a boyfriend, and I think he wants to have sex." Uh-oh, Cretinous Millie has taken over again. She points out that once Lindsay has sex, no one will want to marry her. Here it comes, the cliché you knew was inevitable: "Why should they buy the cow if they can get the milk for free?" Come on, Lindsay, you should've known better than to ask for relationship advice from Millie. ["Word. What does she know from boyfriends? Hers goes to church!" -- Wing Chun]
It looks like Sam is following the third part of Gordon's Cindy Sanders stalking plan, since he's sitting to her at a yearbook meeting. The advisor is saying, "Some of you will be happy to see that after several complaints, I have eliminated 'Disco Days' from the running." Heh. I assume he's talking about yearbook themes. Cindy asks Sam if he's just joined the yearbook committee. Uh, yeah, it would appear so, nimrod. Sam is much more polite and says that he wanted to get involved in more after-school activities. When the advisor asks if anyone has any article ideas, sure enough, Cindy has written one. She calls it "Diary of a McKinley Student," and it's not too bad for a fourteen-year-old, though the clichés about alienation are a little much. ["It doesn't help that despite the alienation theme, Cindy reads the poem in her usual chirpy tone of voice, which makes for an odd juxtaposition." -- Wing Chun] Some of the other students must think so too, because they're trying hard not to laugh. Sam applauds when she's done reading, which is awfully sweet. The advisor struggles to come up with a diplomatic way to turn her down. What he comes up with is pretty funny: "It's a little dark. We want to sell yearbooks, not tell the truth." He goes on to remind the students about selling yearbook ads. When Sam points out that his dad owns a sporting goods store, the advisor tells him to pursue that line and pairs him up with Cindy. She says to Sam, "I can't believe we have to sell yearbooks ads." He agrees that "that kind of sucks," but when he turns away from her, he's got a big smile on his face.
When Lindsay arrives home, Mom Weir is all excited for her because someone has left her a rose and a card. Brushing off all her mom's questions, Lindsay heads to her room for privacy while she opens the card. It says, "Can't wate [sic] till tomorow [sic] night. Nick." Lindsay laughs, but it's not a happy laugh.
Sam and Cindy are walking down the street. Sam compliments her yearbook submission and says he agrees with her that "being a freshman stinks." Cindy starts talking about how people are pigeonholed and expected to act a certain way: "Like, if you're a cheerleader, you're supposed to be in a good mood all the time." I start to wonder if I've misjudged Cindy. Maybe she's deeper than I thought. Nah, her statement pretty much refutes that. "There's some days when I'm feeling just a little bit cranky." She goes on to talk about getting her period. To his credit, Sam doesn't look too squeamish about this. Unfortunately, there's no one around to tell him that when a teenage girl like Cindy starts mentioning her period to you, chances are she's pretty much written you off as a candidate for romance. Better get used to enjoying her friendship, Sam.
When they arrive at A-1 Sporting Goods, Dad Weir is just seeing off a mountain man customer with a cheerful, "Good luck with that bomb shelter!" Not realizing that Cindy is the object of Sam's affection, Clueless Dad says all the wrong things: He expresses surprise that Sam joined the yearbook committee, and tells Sam that if he doesn't work at the store, he won't be able to buy the Micronauts he wants. I can only assume Micronauts are some geeky toy. ["The Man from F.U.N.K.L.E., who apparently owned a few back in the day, confirms that assumption." -- Wing Chun] He breaks off his speech to say, "Oh, for crying out loud! Who mixed up the balls?" Sam and Cindy follow Dad across the store while Sam tries timidly to sell a tiny yearbook ad. Finally Dad clues in and offers to buy a full page, claiming Sam is his best salesman. Aw! Sam and Cindy start arguing over whether to hit the smaller stores or the big ones . Dad starts thinking like a businessman again, rather than a dad, when he suggests that they split up. Sam rolls his eyes so far back in his head that Dad can't help but notice he's unhappy. Mr. Weir tries to backpedal with a lame-ish save, telling them that "some of the greatest salesmen work in teams." It's too late, though. Cindy's latched onto the idea of splitting up, so Sam reluctantly agrees. He and Cindy leave, just as Mr. Weir calls out to a customer, "Sir, don't open that bait!" I'm glad to see the writers are producing lines worthy of the great Joe Flaherty.
Back at home, Dad is telling Mom and Lindsay about Sam bringing his crush into the store today. He says Cindy is "cute," to which Lindsay disgustedly replies, "God, Dad!" Mr. Weir doesn't see anything wrong with calling her cute, and asks, "What, am I supposed to call her 'Ms.' or something?" Ah, the early '80s. Mom just sees this as a chance to needle Lindsay about her secrecy regarding Nick. She says, "See, Lindsay, Sam's not afraid to show off his girlfriend." When Dad wonder what she's getting at, Mom spills the beans and tells him that Lindsay has a boyfriend. This has predictable results. When Lindsay tries to downplay the rose Nick sent her, Dad claims, "Nobody who's 'just a friend' sends a single rose. I know all about single roses. I sent one to your mother, and I know when and why I sent it." Ew, I hope he's not talking about Morning After Your Deflowering Flowers. Mom promises Lindsay that if she tells them who she's dating, they won't make a big deal out of it. Foolishly, Lindsay believes her. When she says it's Nick, Dad says, "Not another one of those burn-outs!" Even Mom gets in on the dissing: "Is he the one that ate all of my Fruit Roll-Ups?" Hee! Another thing I really love about this show is its attention to mundane detail, especially during serious moments. "You'd better know right now that your mother and I aren't taking care of some wedlock baby while you're off gallivanting at college." When Dad forbids her to see Nick, she gets up and leaves the room. Mr. Weir says, "Well, at least she didn't yell." Mom just shakes her head at him.
The parents follow Lindsay into the living room for the big talk about respect. Dad warns her about boys and the stupid things they can do, claiming he knows this because he's done some pretty stupid things himself, hard as it may be for her to believe. "Honey, tell her about Korea," says Mrs. Weir. Dad starts in on a tale about going into the red-light district in Seoul with some army buddies. He's being pretty euphemistic, but Lindsay looks appalled anyway. Mom cuts in with, "Your father's first time wasn't special, and he's always regretted it." Yup, Dad sounds all sad as he says, "It was the worst five dollars I ever spent. And I wish I could get that five dollars back." Mom tries to claim that what Dad means to say is that Lindsay's virginity is like a gift, but I'm not even paying attention anymore because I'm still rolling on the floor after that "five dollars" line.
Journey's "Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'" plays in the background while Sam slowly walks down a sidewalk. Keeping up with his daily stalking, he stops at Cindy's house and looks through the window to see Bill putting some sort of gewgaw on his head. I can't even begin to describe what it looks like, but Cindy is laughing. Sam turns away sadly and walks on.
It must be Friday, because Daniel's asking Nick if he's going out with them. He says he's hanging out with Lindsay instead. "Oh, all right, make it happen," says Daniel. I may not be his biggest fan, but he really is cracking me up in this episode. Kim adds, "Tonight's the ni-ight!" Lindsay manages to smile through all this.
Neal and Sam are walking down the hall. Bill lopes toward them, saying, "Sam, you know what Cindy said last night?" Sam goes off on him. He starts shouting, "What, that she's in love with you? That she thinks you're smart and funny and you don't care if she cuts the cheese? You know what, Bill? Why don't you go out with her? Why don't you marry her? I don't care anymore!" It turns out that Bill just wanted to tell him that Cindy said Sam was the nicest boy in school. Sam double-checks to make sure Bill doesn't like Cindy. "No, man," says Bill, "I was just messin' with you." Neal confirms that Bill has had a crush on someone named Melissa Karpinski "ever since he stood in line behind her at the Dairy Queen." Bill mentions the halter top she'd been wearing and groans. Honestly, it's a little scary. He also claims that Melissa "doesn't cut the cheese." When Sam tries to tell Bill that Melissa is out of his league because she only dates brawny football players, Bill insists that he's going to fill out eventually: "In three years, I'm gonna be enormous." Sam says they should see Airplane again on Saturday, adding, "Surely, you will." Bill says, "Don't call me 'Shirley,'" and they all laugh. Neal adds, "Billy, have you ever seen a grown man naked?" If loving Airplane makes me a geek, I can accept that. Sam suggests they invite Gordon with them. Neal points out that Gordon smells, but Sam suggests that maybe he doesn't even know he smells. Bill asks if Sam's going to tell him. Sam seems to be thinking it over.
I guess the answer is yes, because when Gordon asks him about Cindy, Sam tells him that she smells great. "Must be her shampoo," he says, "or maybe her deodorant. What kind of deodorant do you use?" If Sam's thinking about a career in the diplomatic corps, he may want to reconsider. Gordon sees right through him and says, "I know I smell, Sam." Sam tries to play it off, but Gordon says, "I may be smelly, but I'm not stupid." Gordon says the smell is caused by some medical condition I won't even try to spell. He says he will be this way for life, but he doesn't mind because "nice people don't care, and it weeds out the jerks." Sam asks him to the movies, and Gordon accepts.
Oh, no, it's the incredibly irritating Cindy Sanders, wanting to know if Sam has sold all his ads. He hasn't. She asks him out to a fast food restaurant after school. It sounds suspiciously like a date. He's momentarily distracted by Neal and Bill scuffling in the background, but he snaps out of it to accept eagerly.
On the "date," Sam pays for their food. Cindy says she loves bacon cheeseburgers, to which Sam replies, "Really? I kinda expected you to like, you know, healthy food, like carrots." Cindy claims that if she "never saw another carrot again, it'd be too soon." Hmm, everything seems to be going swimmingly. Cindy's not some carrot-liking weirdo, and so far nobody's cut the cheese. Cindy's looking around a lot, though, and when a bunch of basketball players walks in, she gets all nervous as she asks Sam if he knows Todd Schellinger. "Yeah," says Sam "Well, not personally. Why?" Cindy gets super-giggly and admits that she has a huge crush on Todd. Golly, could this be why she's been sneaking down to the fast food place after school? True, Sam's been working my nerves big-time, but I can't help feeling really sorry for him right now. Cindy says, "After last week's game, he asked my friend Jo for my phone number. You think that means he likes me?" Sam just gets sadder and sadder, but he's being nice about it all. Cindy bemoans the fact that she's always so nervous around Todd and doesn't know what to say. "It's not like with you," she tells Sam. "You're so easy to talk to. You're just like my sister." Sam looks a little queasy as he says, "Thanks."
Back at the Weir house, Dad's mellowed out some, letting Lindsay leave for her date with nothing more severe than, "Don't stay out too late." He invites Sam to watch TV with him and Mom. Sam suspiciously asks, "What did I do?" Mom calls him "silly" and says, "Get your butt over here." He approaches the couch warily, and the parents make him sit down in-between them. Sam looks seriously weirded out, but it's really pretty cute that they just want to spend time with him. That's one more thing I love about this show: the way they can turn something potentially creepy or goofy into such a sweet moment.
Okay, speaking of potentially creepy and invariably goofy, Lindsay arrives at Nick's and knocks on the front door. He opens it almost immediately, causing her to say, "You must have been right there." "Perfect timing" is all he says. Nick's got a little mood music on the stereo: the Moody Blues' "Nights in White Satin." Lindsay looks around the room skittishly and starts asking about some basketball trophies displayed on a shelf. It turns out Nick won them but got booted off the basketball team because of his drug use. He asks her if she wants to hang out downstairs, and she nervously agrees.
In the rec room, Nick has lit about five hundred candles. Sounding pretty freaked out, Lindsay asks him what's going on. Nick asks her to sit down. He puts the needle down on a record and says, "Lindsay, this song says all the things I haven't been able to say to you. It's a little corny, but I mean it." Oh, dear God, the song is Styx's "Lady," and Nick starts alternately speaking and singing the words to Lindsay along with the song. He's even doing dorky little miming gestures! After a verse of this, he starts in on his own little speech. He's speaking in-between the lines of the song, which makes it really obvious he's rehearsed this number at least once or twice to get the timing right: "You see, Lindsay, nothing about you and me should ever be rushed. I made that mistake before, but I'm not gonna make it with you. Because we've got time. We've got all the time in the world And you know why?" Here he pauses until he can sing along to the chorus. Lindsay's been looking embarrassed and somewhat pleased so far, but as he's singing, you can see her getting more and more freaked out at Nick's emotional display. When he finishes the chorus, he says, "See, Lindsay, we were made for each other." At this point, Lindsay's in full-scale panic mode, as she asks, "You want to make out or something?" Nick says, "No. All guys want to make out, but I just want to hold you." He pushes her back gently on the couch. Her eyes are moving around wildly now. Is she afraid Nick's going to kill her or something? I must admit, I might think something like that if I were in her shoes. I don't know who to feel worse for, Lindsay or Nick, especially when he puts his arms around her and asks, "What's better than this?"
Lindsay arrives back home safely, though, where Sam is sitting at the kitchen table, morosely eating a Ding Dong. He shares the package with Lindsay and tells her about how their parents made him watch TV with them all night, ending with the observation that they are "weird." Lindsay concurs. Sam asks Lindsay if she and Nick are going out. "I guess so," is her answer. Sam concludes, "But he must like you a lot, right?" Lindsay raises her eyebrows up high and says, "Oh, yeah." Sam wishes Cindy liked him. Lindsay says that she does, but Sam points out that it's only as a friend. "Ooh, that is the worst," says Lindsay. Sam says that the two friends he has are enough: "I mean, how many more friends does a guy need?" The phone rings, and Sam gets up to answer it. Oh, it's Cindy, and she's calling to talk about…Todd. Sam pretends to strangle himself with the phone cord, and Lindsay laughs. As she's leaving the room, she jokingly tries to listen in on the conversation, and Sam pushes her away while trying not to laugh. Moments like these aren't the main reason I watch they show, but they sure do help. Sam valiantly feigns a happy interest in Cindy's love life, which makes me think of yet another thing I think is really cool and unusual about this show. No matter how much some characters might annoy me during the course of the show, by the end I almost always like them again.