Previously on Fraternity Life, Earl yelled at Alex because Alex answered his cell phone and had to go pick up a drunken fraternity brother. And we're also reminded that Steve is very slow and makes everyone wait for him when it's time to go to class, and to make matters worse, he walks veeery slooowly to the car. If I were in this pledge class, man. I'd boot both of them out. I'd say, "Look here, you! It's time you quit answering your cell phone! And you! If you don't start walking faster, well, I'm just going to go to the fraternity brothers and tell on you! Boy, then that will sure get you in trouble, Mr. Slow Walking Pledge Guy!" Yep. That's what I do all right.
We're at the Student Union, where there are mandatory study hours from 6-10 PM. every night. Tim and Steve are walking down a long flight of stairs when Tim decides to ride down the bannister because he's mentally only six years old. Steve shoves Tim off the bannister; Tim almost goes sprawling on to the floor, but catches himself. He physically attacks Steve, who cowers like the little bitch that he is. Steve says that what he likes most about Tim is that Tim almost has as much energy as he does, and he's always up for stuff. Tim announces that he has splinters in his butt. Brad peeks his head out of a nearby closet and asks if Tim needs help removing them. Tim and Steve look at Brad in disgust and Brad quietly slinks back into the closet. Tim says that he doesn't want it to be considered "cliquey," but that he and Steve are probably best buds and Tim feels comfortable calling Steve out on stuff. Steve is telling Alex to give him the keys to the SUV because he's tired of studying and wants to go back to the pledge house. The guys timidly try to tell Steve that he can't go back to the house because it's mandatory study hours, and Brother Rice (a.k.a. Mike the Puke) is at the pledge house playing videogames and fingering his prostate. Steve then very calmly says, "Give me the fucking keys, you fucking piece of buffalo shit." Tim says Steve's not getting the keys because he doesn't feel like getting ass-fucked during line-up tonight. Steve calls them all a bunch of "dead-assed motherfuckers," and Jarreau clutches his pearls in shock. Tim says that if Steve gets in trouble, they all get in trouble, so everyone has a hand in deciding whether Steve should stay or go. The ghost of Joe Strummer sees that as his cue and pops his head out of a nearby closet. We hear Brad say, "Not yet, you big hunk of man-ghost," and see the ghost of Joe Strummer get yanked back into the closet against his ghostly will. Steve says that this is fucking bullshit because he's been there all day and he's his own man and doesn't like being told what to do by anybody. I'm beginning to get the impression that maybe pledging a fraternity wasn't the smartest thing Steve could do at this stage in his life. Jarreau comes up with the brilliant idea that they will give Steve the keys if he can recite the Greek alphabet in twenty seconds. Alex is ordered to time Steve, which puts a great deal of pressure on Alex because his Mommy hasn't taught him how to tell time yet. Alex fakes it and says, "Go!" Steve starts speaking in tongues, saying "Alpha beta gamma ray skywalker dead assed motherfuckers episilon phi mu!" Alex calls time thirteen minutes and twelve seconds later and they all yell, "Towe!" at Steve because apparently it's Greek for "dumbass." Steve gets up in a huff and wanders around the Student Union as Tim says that whether Steve likes it or not, this is all a part of pledging and it's time for Steve to suck it up. The scene ends as we hear Brad's muffled squeals of "Suck it up! Oooooo, I just adore fraternity life!"
At the fraternity house during a fraternity meeting, Brother Greg Brady wants to vote on Steve now because they've been wanting to do it for four weeks now. We see footage from a meeting four weeks earlier where the guys are saying that Steve's "I don't give a shit" attitude is really starting to freak them out; some of them smell a fist fight coming on, and none of them has ever been in a fist fight before. Brad -- who has more zits than you'd find at an average Star Trek convention dancing across his face -- says that Steve just doesn't care about anything, and while that may be cool in real life, this isn't real life: it's MTV's Fraternity Life, dammit, and on Fraternity Life, the pledges must do as they say or they're out on their fine, taut, muscled asses. Joe, Steve's big brother, says they're right -- Steve doesn't give a shit about anything. But Joe's going to keep an eye on him and try to find a single redeeming quality that Steve might possess. We flash forward to the present day, where Brad's saying that Steve's ass should be saved because Steve spent twelve hours working on the beer pong table by himself. By himself. Brad reminds us one more time that Steve did it by himself. He skipped study hours so that he could work on the beer pong table "by himself." This alone is reason enough to keep him. Never mind that he wasn't with the group, which is what he's supposed to be doing: Brad wants to keep him. In a horrifying POV, Brad's chubby, pimply head informs us that he used to despise Steve, but that lately he's started to "like him." He's sent him little Power Ranger Valentine cards and little slips of paper with "Do you like me back, check yes or no" on them, but so far none has been returned. If you look closely, you can see Brad's eyes welling up with tears. Conrad says he doesn't understand why Steve's still pledging, because he's an asshole. Brad reminds the brothers that they don't like Steve because he doesn't greet them the way they want to be greeted (with a sly grin and a quick flick of the tongue), but none of them greeted Brad the way he wanted to be greeted when they pledged the frat, and Brad thinks Steve's a "cool guy." That's one vote for keeping Steve and 19 million votes against him.
Over at the pledge house, Earl has called a meeting to tell everyone that they basically need to work together as a team on everything. Alex informs us that this meeting is specifically been called on Steve's account. Steve sits on the couch, looking like he's about to give birth to a watermelon. Finally, he gets up and Tim asks him where he's going. He announces to America that he has to take a shit, and does anybody fucking mind if he goes to take a shit. A Mr. Howard Owens and his lovely wife Bernice from Little Rock, Arkansas raise their hands in the privacy of their own den, protesting Steve's bowel movements, to no avail. Steve's halfway to the shitter before their votes are counted. Tim explains in a POV that Steve does whatever the fuck he wants, and that obviously Steve's not taking a shit. My guess -- as it has been the entire duration of this series -- is that Steve's in the bathroom, tapping the crook of his elbow, trying to find a vein that hasn't collapsed so that he can plunge the needle in and sink into the sweet sweet goodness.
The boys go to Home Depot to pick up some supplies for the fraternity. Tim is wondering why Brad needs an industrial-sized tub of Vaseline, which proves that Tim's got the mental capacity of a fetus. Tim's telling Earl in the parking lot that some pledges don't get into the fraternity because the brothers simply don't like them, but if someone is going to the trouble of not even trying to be a good pledge, then Tim is through sticking up for them. Earl responds by testing the SUV's shocks, pushing up and down on the hood of the car. The only way to get Earl to stop doing this is to divert his attention toward a shiny object. Tim frantically scans the parking lot for something shiny, to no avail, so Earl continues pressing down on the car. Steve comes out of the store and wants to drive the SUV. Earl says he drives like a maniac, and that ain't happening. They get into an argument, which finds Steve talking rationally but with increasing venom, while Earl's voice reaches a pitch that only dogs can hear. Highlights include Earl telling Steve to walk home, Steve threatening to pull Earl out of the driver's seat and beat the living shit out of him in the parking lot, and the muffled squeals of Brad under a blanket in the back seat, hissing, "Catfight! Catfight!"
Back from commercials, Steve has apparently lost the battle to drive and is hopping into Tim's SUV with him. Steve says he needs to go to class, and Tim says they need to go to the frat house. Steve says that Tim is not going to keep Steve from attending class, and Tim wonders where Steve's priorities are if he'd rather go to class and get a degree than go to the frat house and get paddled by a sexually charged Brad. Steve and Tim fight over this in the car. Tim is apparently sick of Steve's shit and is finally laying it all on the line. He says that, right now, Steve's not getting into the fraternity. Steve insists that it won't be a problem for him to get into the fraternity. Tim says that Steve has a comeback for everything, and that he thinks he's always right. Except for that time Steve said Tim should ask out Nicole because she seemed like a nice girl with no visible sociological hangups.
At 3:15 AM, Earl and Tim are still awake in their room. Tim's bored and wants to do something. We hear Brad's muffled squeals and joyful clapping in the bushes outside the window. Tim suggests that they empty a keg out and roll it down the street. At 3:15 in the morning. Try that shit on Uncle Bob's street, Timmy, and you'd find several popped caps burrowed deep in your ass. That shit doesn't fly at 3:15 AM in my neighborhood, Ace. Earl suggests that they toss the keg out the window instead, to see if it will explode. Earl says in a POV that because they're both night owls, Tim and Earl have decided to cause a little destruction to get out some of their stress and anger. Ah yes, this is the same solution that most psychiatrists would prescribe -- senseless destruction to ease tension. I can see these boys going far in life. All the way to Death Row, and I ain't talkin' the record label, kids. Moe and Curly argue about the best way to accomplish this feat. Moe suggests that they just push the keg out the window, while Curly thinks they need to throw it. They start by pushing it out, and it just lands on the sidewalk below with a dull thud. They go downstairs to retrieve the keg, as Paul comes home from a late-night study session. Paul says he wants nothing to do with these shenanigans, so if they kill themselves, he won't be responsible. I've never claimed to have a mental Rolodex, but I'm trying to recall the number of frat boys who've died from pushing heavy objects out windows, and the number that keeps popping up is zero. The stooges try it a second time, and this time it explodes into several pieces. This thrills the human chimps as they jump and clap and smear their feces on each other in a show of mentally challenged brotherhood. Meanwhile, several pained moans come from the bushes below as we see Brad wander out in a daze, keg shrapnel protruding from his bloodied skull and a pup tent in his pants.
The two idiots are so pleased with their experiments in destruction that they decide to throw the remains of the keg out the front window. But to do that, they must get into the other pledges' bedrooms, since their windows face the front. So they're banging on the other pledges' bedroom doors as those pledges try to sleep. The pledges won't wake up, so Earl comes up with the bright idea of shooting the fire extinguisher off through a hole in Alex and Steve's door. We hear Steve say "You've got to be fucking kidding me" as Earl grins for the camera over his idiocy. Steve comes out of his room, pounds on some doors, and then throws Tim's and Earl's beds out into the front yard. He says it's one thing to throw eggs at sorority houses, but it's a whole new ball game when you shoot a fire extinguisher off in someone's bedroom while he's trying to sleep. I hate to admit it, but the guy's right. Earl started this shit, and Steve retaliated. At least, that's how the show was edited. Earl says that payback is a bitch, so after they bring their beds back inside, they decide to take Steve's car and position it between two trees at 5:30 in the morning so that when he gets up and goes to his car, he won't be able to get it out. This takes some time and a great deal of concentration, but the two ADD brothers pull themselves together and accomplish the feat.
At 8:20 in the morning, Steve busts up in Tim and Earl's room and demands the keys to the SUV. Tim groggily tells Earl to give Steve the keys. Earl gets up and throws the keys on the floor. Steve tells Earl to pick them up, and Earl refuses. Steve uproots Earl's bed, knocking the mattress to the floor. Earl loses it at this point, while Steve says that throwing the keys on the floor was a sign of disrespect (sigh) toward him. What is the big problem with today's kids demanding respect? For chrissakes, Stevie -- do something worth respecting and you might get respect, you infected twat. Earl bitches at Steve, wondering why he threw his mattress on the floor. Steve says that Earl disrespected (sigh) him when he threw the keys on the floor. Earl brings up the fact that Steve threw his bed out the window; Steve replies that he only did it because Earl set off a fire extinguisher in his bedroom and he had to sleep in sulfur dust all night long. Sorry, Earl. You lose this battle, chump. Earl starts putting his bed back together, and sure enough -- just as they've announced on the forums -- Earl's popping a boner as he does it. At first, I thought his boxers were just all frumpy, but nope: the jackass actually got an erection from arguing. The phone rings and it's Brad, calling from the emergency room, moaning seductively at the thought of Earl's erection as doctors work feverishly to remove keg shrapnel from his ass cheeks. Earl, in a hilarious move, goes into Steve's bedroom, picks up the corner of his bed, and slams it back down on the floor, essentially doing nothing. Steve's brushing his teeth and says that if Earl had hit Steve's fish tank, Steve would have killed him. Earl goes back to bed and slams the door. Tim's peacefully sleeping as all this goes on. Steve goes back in their room, yanks Earl's bedspread off him, and goes to leave the room. Earl jumps up, and they get in a tug of war with the bedspread. Steve eventually lets Earl win, and Earl slams the door. Steve says he knows that brute force isn't always the answer, but that sometimes when you're dealing with simple minds, it's the only answer you have. Steve removes the turtles from his fish tank and gives them to Paul and Jarreau to watch. Steve then says that what goes around comes around, and Earl yelled at Alex and Alex is a little fish while Earl is a medium-sized fish but Steve's a big fish and a master prankster. Steve goes outside and sees his car wedged between the trees and it's ON, baby!
Steve takes a bucket of water and pours it all over Earl's mattress. He then throws whipped cream at Earl and Earl's door. Personally, I think that's going a bit too far. You can fuck with a guy's mattress but dude...throwing whipped cream at him?! They'll arrrest you for that kind of thing in other countries. This infuriates Earl, who has now suffered the ultimate act of disrespect (sigh), so he grabs something off Steve's dresser and hurls it into Steve's fish tank, making it explode, sending water everywhere and little goldfish hurtling through the air. Tim says that the pledge house now looks like a war zone with dead fish everywhere, beds upturned, keg shrapnel buried in Brad's ass, a car wedged between two trees, and Earl's heat-seeking missile zipping through the house at alarming speed. Earl has had enough; he grabs his suitcase and tells Tim it was nice pledging with him, but he's done. He's out of here. He's yesterday's news. He's June Carter Cash. Tim half-assedly tries to keep Earl there and chill out, but Earl's pissed and is walking around in a half-awake state. Tim doesn't even get off his bed as he "pleads" with Earl to stay. Earl leaves the house while Tim scampers off to the confessional booth to say that it shouldn't be Earl leaving the house; it should be Steve. Earl decides that he doesn't know where he's going, but that he has to get out of the house. Tim surveys the damage in Steve's room, picks up a dead goldfish, and eats it. I take a breather as we go to commercials, because I've never seen such turmoil in the pledge house. I just really hope this doesn't signal an early end to the season. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm pleading for God to show mercy on me and burn the MTV studios and satellites down.
We get a quick recap of all the wacky shenanigans that have been going on throughout the early morning hours at Casa de Pledgehouse while Earl considers his options. He can depledge. He can move out of the house and continue to pledge. Or he can go back to the house, make up with Steve, and continue pledging. Earl is a bastion of common sense. Earl doesn't have any interest in apologizing to Steve; he doesn't care to see him, nor to have him as a brother. But he'd love to keep him around as a guy to shoot fire extinguishers at. Hooo boy, it sho' is fun to coat the kid with sulfur!
Over at the Student Union, Earl is on a couch, telling Tim and Alex that it's not so much that he's pissed at Steve, but that he's sometimes disappointed in wondering what his deal is. Earl isn't the most eloquent guy in the pledge house. But if "I'm disappointed in wondering what your deal is" is the stupidest thing he's ever said, he's still miles ahead of Tim in the common-sense department. Tim says that he and Steve are on the outs, while he and Earl are on the ins. Brad, reeling from the morphine, pops into the scene and asks, "Did somebody say ins and outs?" Earl admits that he's slept most of the day on this couch in the student union center, and that he feels better because of it. Tim tells Earl that he definitely won this war with Steve, which makes Earl burst into a full-fledged grin. That's all he wanted to hear -- that he won. Earl says he just needed some time away from the group, and now he feels a lot better, seeing his pledge brothers again and hearing that he won the war from no less an expert in mind games than Tim.
It's Halloween, and the brothers are having a party. Mags is dressed as Fred Flintstone while Brad's dressed as a fairy. No, wait -- he says he's Bashful from the Seven Dwarves. Yeah right, dude. So why the Tinkerbell outfit? The pledges are dressed as a six-pack of Killians. Earl tracks down Chang to ask his advice on his problems with Steve. Chang tells Earl that all pledges fight and release steam, but that they should give Steve a chance to prove himself. Then Chang tells Earl to try to grab the pebble from Chang's hand. And he calls him "Grasshopper" a lot. Earl keeps trying to grab the pebble, but Chang's much faster than Earl. This goes on for a few minutes and is designed to make Earl feel even better about his situation. Earl would love to know what's going on in Steve's head, but rather than ask Steve himself, the cameraman asks him. Steve says that Earl just had to release some anger, but Steve doesn't take Earl seriously, so he just blew it all off. That's right, Steve-O. As long as that white horse is coursing through your veins, everything's all right, isn't it? I'm still waiting for the very special episode where Steve detoxes. That should be a hoot.
Earl, Tim, and Steve are getting into the SUV. Steve would rather take his own car, but Tim orders him in the SUV. They start a verbal argument with a lot of bleeping -- so much so that it's hard to figure out what they're fighting about. Steve keeps threatening to kick Tim's ass, but he's so lethargic from the heroin that he's hardly able to get in the vehicle without dozing off. Tim asks him if he's ignorant, and Steve tells him to shut the fuck up before he rubs his bloody lips all over the car. Tim orders him out of the SUV and Steve says that's what he wanted in the first place. Tim's upset because he put all his trust in Steve, and Steve has betrayed his trust. Tim doesn't forget easily, unless it's something trivial, like going to a formal with Nicole. Tim's bitching to Earl about Steve, while Steve hops into another car and leaves. The show ends as Tim says he doesn't even want Steve as a brother, and a nation gasps in horror at this revelation. Will they reconcile? Will they be able to hide the whipped cream from Steve so that we never have to see the creamy carnage again? Will there really be a Fraternity Life 2 after this boring slab of horseshit proved that there's more drama in a Hi and Lois comic strip than in your average fraternity pledge house? And most importantly: who among us really gives two shits either way?