Previously on Fraternity Life: man, oh man, Earl has been one amazing raging asshole. Granted, so have Tim and Steve, but Earl takes the cake and smears it in America's face. He's yelled at the other pledges, driven recklessly, and sold poor Paul's little brother into white slavery. He has taken to dressing up like Hitler and marching around the house in his Gestapo underwear and fake Hitler mustache and screaming "Sieg Heil!" to wake everyone up in the morning. Plus he snags a boner every time he gets in a fight which means he actually gets off on the chaos around him. Like a Japanese monster from the radioactive sea, Earlzilla and his glowing boner must be stopped!
Uhhh, yeah. So anyway, it's time for Hell Week. The pledges are going to be forced to live in the basement of the Fraternity House for a whole week, which subtly explains why this excursion into horror isn't called "Hell Eleven Days And Thirteen Hours." One of those brothers that we rarely see not wearing a turtleneck sweater says that this week of living in a cramped, dank, and nasty basement is designed to make the pledges come together as one in the week leading up to initiation. Not to mention earning them prime candidacy for scabies. The official title of this week is "I Week." I guess that stands for "Initiation Week." I'm not exactly sure, because I missed the first thirty seconds of this week's episode because my two-year-old son had removed my Fraternity Life tape from the VCR and quietly replaced it with a grilled cheese sandwich when I wasn't looking. He's quite the little prankster when we forget his Ritalin. Granted, I thought the room smelled a little cheesy, but Fraternity Life was on and that emits a certain cheese-like odor each week. So I was sent racing into another room of the house that holds my backup VCR and jammed a random tape into the VCR and hit "record." The wife may be a little pissed that our wedding video now has frat boys screaming bleeped "fuck"s at each other instead of us saying "I do," but I think she'll get over it. In thirty years or so. Anyway, the brothers are holding a meeting and say that the pledges are not going to like Hell Week. I think this was stated for the audience's benefit, but who among us wouldn't associate "Hell Week" with seven days full of unpleasantness? You know...with the exception of America's newest heartthrob Brad? My point exactly.
The pledges are shown preparing for I Week. Alex is running around gathering blankets, Steve's reading a book, Jarreau's loading up a backpack full of Vaseline and grinning, while Tim's busy writing his POV for MTV.com and trying to think of new ways to call Nicole a diseased ferret. Earl's saying that the whole concept of I Week just doesn't appeal to him. In fact, it downright sucks. He doesn't want to have to spend time in a cramped basement with the other pledges. He grins and says he sure hopes it doesn't last longer than a week. It's good to see that Earl has this whole "brotherhood" concept down pat. I'm beginning to think MTV needs to give Earl's mother a TV show and call it How To Completely Fuck Your Kid Up In Nineteen Years Or Less. Apparently, this woman threw the concept of common sense straight out the window while raising this drooling mongoloid. Paul's running down the list of things that they're taking, centering mostly on blankets. Steve greets him with a blank stare. Then again, Steve would greet a house fire with a blank stare. We see the boys loading up the SUV with blankets and plastic tarps as Alex says that he's a bit nervous because he doesn't know what to expect from I Week. I guess it would have been too much trouble to ask his freakin' brother, who just went through it the semester. He says the only thing he can imagine is that it will mean that he won't sleep for 168 hours, proving that even monkeys can operate a calculator. Somebody hand that chimp a banana! Good job, A-Man! The guys are greeted at the back door by George (in more ways than one, I'm sure) who invites the pledges in. Because this is a fraternity ritual, no cameras are allowed in. You have to imagine that there was probably at least one paddling of naked ass flesh, several alcoholic concoctions mixed with household cleaners ingested and at least one piping Hot Karl served up by Brad.
Upstairs after the "ritual," Earl is bitching to two brothers that his cell phone is now missing and he thinks it's been stolen, which he deems as "fucking rude." He's pleading his case because what if, God forbid, something happened to one of his parents or he came across a situation that would require him to call his sponsor at Whiny Mama's Boys Anonymous and pour his heart out over the phone? What then, brothers? What then?! The brothers just sit there and give him the same silent stare they usually reserve for the moment when they see an elderly woman slip on a patch of ice and dislocate her hip. George informs the television viewing audience that Earl's cell phone was taken away from him because he was using it too much for personal reasons, and that it was distracting him from the pledging process. I can see George's point. Who does Earl think he is? Using his cell phone for personal reasons. My God, what a selfish ingrate. Earl tries to reason with these two nondescript brothers, setting up various scenarios as to why he needs his cell phone, like what if his grandfather has a heart attack or Lou's Bump and Grind hires a new camera-hungry stripper who would take a chance at boinking Earl if it got her face on national television? Mike B. says that he will be notified if a family emergency arises. Earl just finally blows them off with a sarcastic "whatever" and walks away from them. Gasp! That was some serious disrespect (chug) he was throwing around! That beeyotch bettah recognize!
Earl is yelling that he can't put his life on hold for this fraternity and Mike B. yells that maybe he should just leave the pledging process, while Mike the Puke sits on the couch laughing his ass off at the whole thing. Then we get the Puke in a POV saying that it really pissed him off when Earl did this. I'm more confused than normal because we just saw the Puke laughing hysterically. I guess he has to look macho for the cameras when they're trained on him. That must be it because he has his stupid goddamned hat on backwards which he must believe screams "macho." Mike B. says that Earl's outburst showed a lack of respect (chug) for the fraternity. Um. The dude just wants his cell phone, guys. You stole his cell phone. Call me a skeptic, but doesn't that make the frat brothers the ones showing the lack of respect for other people's property? It's a goddamned good thing that the whole world doesn't revolve around the same rules that fraternities use, or else we'd all be a bunch of malcontent fucks like Earl. Downstairs in the basement, Earl pseudo-threatens Mike B., saying that if anything happens to a family member during Hell Week, he's going to hold Mike B. to the fact that he told Earl "not to worry" about losing his cell phone for a week. Alex notes that Earl got sassy with a frat brother, and once you piss off one brother, good luck getting in to the fraternity. In other words, looks like Earl might be getting his cell phone back sooner than he thought. And he may have to have it surgically removed before he can call Mommy again.
Back at the pledge house, Earl and Alex are loading some stuff up in the SUV. Earl wants to make a quick stop at Burger King. Alex says no and that they don't have time. Earl points out that they have thirty minutes. Alex points out that they only have twenty-seven minutes, and that it will take at least that long to find a parking space. ["Yeah, if there's one thing that's scarce in Buffalo, it's parking. Dude, it's not like you're in Manhattan." -- Wing Chun] The little friendly squabble quickly escalates out of control between the two as they scream things like "Your mother blows donkeys outside of Tijuana cockfighting arenas for the chintzy donations of bemused onlookers" and "You lost your virginity to a whore!" Alex and Earl both privately admit that the reason Earl is constantly abusing Alex is because they've known each other longer than they've known the other pledges; Earl knows how to push Alex's buttons, and it's second nature to him to do so. Kinda like walking out of a strip club and telling your friends "I really think that stripper liked me" while forgetting that you have an MTV cameraman trailing your every move. Back in the car, Earl starts screaming that he wants Alex's phone so he can call his dealer to tell him to meet him at the B.K. with an ounce of China White and a couple of dirty needles. Alex tells Earl to ask him nicely, so Earl screams, "Please fucking give me your goddamned phone now!" Am I the only one who'd be shocked to find out that Earl was raised by the Latino spitfire Rosie Perez with that kind of hair-trigger temper? Alex adds that Earl is disrespecting (chug) him with his violent outbursts as they yell back and forth at each other in the same tone that they hold 90% of their conversations in.
At the frat house, the guys are in line-up as George is telling them that, from now on, he wants a one-page daily entry in each of their journals detailing how badly they want their butt cherries robbed by George. George asks Earl where his letters are, and Earl reminds him that George has one of the letters. George asks where the other letter might be and Earl spills the beans, saying he lost it. George asks whether Earl expects anyone to vote for him after the way he's been pledging. Earl's taken aback since he thought he was a shoo-in because of his charming personality and smooth moves with strippers who look like they've been kicked in the face by pregnant cows. Jarreau points out the obvious: Earl's being reamed out for getting in a fight with a brother and acting like a dick. George points out that Earl has a big head, but that you sometimes have to wonder if there's anything in there because he's not that bright. The Puke tells Earl that he won't be getting any votes, so he should just save himself the time and effort and leave right now. George tells him that there will be no hard feelings, nobody's going to hate him, and they'll still say, "Hi, Earl! Can I borrow your cell phone?" to him and snicker when they see him around campus. Basically, he should just leave since he obviously doesn't want to be there. Earl says in his POV that he's been there for six weeks now and would definitely know if he didn't want to be there or not by now because his Mama would have told him so. George says that, at this point, the pledges all need to be bending over backwards and giving 110% in order to get into the brothers' little he-man woman-hater's club. George says that all the pledges are acting like they won't be kicked out at this stage of the game because they've all invested some time and a little effort into the process, but some of them are in for a rude reality. I think he meant "awakening," but sometimes you have to wonder if there's anything in George's big head because he's not that bright. Steve swallows hard. Tim looks like he might be hypnotized and is desperately fighting the urge to cluck like a chicken. The Puke says that it's really going to suck if these guys have been working at this for six weeks and then they don't get initiated. That'll be a big waste of time on everyone's part. Tell me about it, Puke. How do you think I feel, recapping a reality show that ends up without a big payoff at the end? I could have been watching my prized videotaped collection of vintage Green Acres tapes the last twelve weeks.
Back at the Frat House, we're seeing what goes on the first night of I Week. The guys are trying to sleep as water heaters are dripping in buckets, and rats are crawling all around them. Earl says that being in the basement doesn't suit him very well, and that it's fucking terrible. We get it, Earl. This isn't the big beer bash that you were expecting frat life to be. Call your Mommy, tell her to come pick you up, and maybe she'll take you by Chuck E. Cheese where you can sulk because you suck at Skee Ball until the minimum-wage employee behind the prize counter gets tired of your pissed-off silent stare combined with your arms folded across your chest and finally hands you an oversized green comb so you'll just go away. Earl says that they're not supposed to eat down there, but he gets around that by smuggling in food in his backpack every night. He's smuggled in McDonald's burgers and fries, pizzas, and sub sandwiches. Way to give 110%, Earl. They hear someone coming as we see Alex wolfing down some food. Earl, in a rare flash of brotherly love, reminds Alex to chew his food because he's going to choke if he doesn't, and then the brothers will find out that Earl's been smuggling food.
Back at the pledge house, Earl is on the phone with his mommy. Earl says she's lucky to have gotten hold of him (depends on your definition of "lucky," I guess) because they're only in the pledge house for six hours at a time and the brothers have stolen his cell phone and he pleaded with them to give it back but they're playing Keep Away with it and he's mad and darn it all to heck...he just needs a good cry. Earl's mom bellows that she's heard about this fucking bullshit and that Earl needs to ram his cell phone up each of these motherfucker's asses. She then asks Earl about thirty times in a row whether all this torture is really worth it while he stares at his fingernails and says "Mm-hmm" every time, on the verge of tears. Earl wishes his Mom could be more supportive of him as he asks her if there's anything else that she has to say that could stress him out a bit more. She's asking him if they let them eat, and he says that they get unchained from the dungeon walls for thirty seconds a day to eat. She asks if he's drinking his juice, and says that Earl needs his juice. Oh Christ almighty. Either Earl's severely diabetic or his Mom is an even bigger drunk than her son is. Mom gets bleeped about a dozen more times, earning her "MTV's Mother Of The Year" award, as she tells Earl she fucking loves his fucking ass and then Earl fumbles for about twenty minutes trying to hang up the phone. Those nasty drug addictions will screw around with your phone-hanging-up abilities, I'm telling you. I was a chronic glue-sniffer for four years and I cannot count the number of times I tried to hang the phone up by stuffing in the dog's ass.
Day two of Hell Week cranks up as the guys are gathered in the basement to work on the Beer Pong table, which I thought had been finished a few episodes ago, but apparently the guys never got around to putting the final touches on it, which shouldn't come as a great shock to any faithful viewer of this travesty. Earl, as usual, is whining and bitching about their shoddy workmanship on the Beer Pong table. Jake -- he of the terrifying speech impediment -- asks Earl if he's okay. Amazingly, Jake has taken my advice and has sought professional help with his slurring lisp. I feel like I've made a difference in this world. I tear up, and then realize that I'm getting all verklempt over a frat boy who's able to speak without sounding like Daffy Duck on 'ludes, and pull myself together quicker than you'd imagine. Jake pulls Earl aside and tells him that he shouldn't be copping an attitude with anyone, and should be getting close with both the fellow pledges and the brothers of the fraternity. I've gotta hand it to Daffy: that's the kindest thing I've seen any of these brothers do yet. Short of soothing each other's raging hemorrhoids with dollops of Preparation H. Earl says he has his own way of dealing with stress, and sometimes it may come across that he's not a very happy camper. I really wish he wouldn't just blurt out crap like that, because it causes me to spray my Diet Dr Pepper everywhere. The fact that Jake had to single Earl out made Earl feel a bit disappointed in himself, which is a recurring theme in this series: the pledges are constantly made to feel like shit. But as with dogs, these admonitions only affect the pledges for a short while, and then they're back doing the same things that got them punished in the first place, like pissing on things they're not supposed to piss on and drinking from the toilet.
The guys are eating around the pool table in the frat-house basement when Earl gets the bright idea to take a pool ball and knock Jarreau's glass over onto the pool table. He accomplishes this in one shot and finally -- FINALLY -- we see some personality from Jarreau a whopping twelve weeks into this series. Sadly, it's just a combination of all the other pledges' personalities rolled into one. He says that Earl's an idiot, and that while he may have thought Steve was slow (which garners a dumbfounded stare from Steve), Earl takes the cake and smears it all over himself in a show of uninspired stupidity. Jarreau says that if Earl does anything that stupid again, he will fucking knock him out. Earl asks Jarreau to perform oral sex on him. Jarreau says he's serious, and that Earl should stop playing. Earl once again requests Jarreau's sucking services to be applied to his nether regions. Jarreau tells Earl to just stand up and Jarreau will knock him out so hard that his mama will feel it. Earl reiterates that he would like nothing more than to stuff his chubby down Jarreau's gullet until he chokes on his thick wads of pecker snot. Earl says in his POV that everyone's been pissing him off a lot lately, so it makes him feel better to piss off others. I'm pretty sure that's Rule #36 of the fascinating read 100 Ways To Get Your Ass Kicked By An Effeminate Fraternity Pledge. Earl makes an idle threat to come fart in Jarreau's face. The two get in a verbal hissyfit with Tim once again stepping forward as the twisted voice of reason. Jarrreau says in a POV that Earl thrives on being a dick; Steve says he agrees with Jarreau that it's always Earl instigating the shiznit. Tim asks who's going to be the mature one and stop this squabbling, and Jarreau and Earl each say that it won't be him. Thankfully, the scene ends, because this uninspired argument where nobody has a chance of walking away bleeding is making me sleepy.
Later that night, the Puke takes Earl aside and tells him he's being a pain in the ass, that the other brothers think he's dragging the other "kids" down with him in his negativity, and that his mother is a lousy snuff-film actress. Earl asks if he's done anything in the last couple of days to bring on this vitriol. The Puke tells him to stop disrespecting (chug) the brothers, to stop taking everything as a joke; then he slurs, "You're definitely one of the worst pledges I've ever seen." This kicks Earl square in the flesh marbles; he can't believe the Puke would say such a thing. Earl casually reminds the Puke that he knows his shit better than any of the other pledges. Puke warns Earl that it's about more than knowing your shit, and that it will be a miracle if Earl is accepted into the fraternity at this point. Earl apologizes, and Puke says there's no need for apologies; Earl just nees to get down there and do the best he can. Earl says in a POV that Puke could not have insulted him any worse than telling him he's the worst pledge he's ever seen. Obviously, Puke didn't even consider "You're a festering tumor on this fraternity's colon and you need to be scraped out with a rusty scalpel to keep from spreading and destroying this fraternity. Plus you have a little dick." Earl goes back to the Beer Pong table and starts muttering that he might just walk out right now. But then he rationalizes that he's probably pissing off the brothers by staying, so if that's the case, he's never going to leave. I can only imagine that if Leo Buscaglia were alive today, he'd punch the living shit out of Earl.
While painting the Beer Pong table, Alex is giving Earl shit about not knowing anything about brotherhood and maybe that's because he never had a brother. That's a wonderful deduction there, Al. You wanna go find the cure for cancer with a brain like that. He's chastising Earl while Earl paints away, oblivious to everything he hears except the tiny little voice in his ear that keeps whispering, "Duu-uude. Kill Alex." Alex ponders the logic in Earl making straightforward situations so incredibly difficult. Earl finally admits quietly that it's fun and funny to watch Alex flip out. Plus, if it wasn't for the bitchy catfights between them, what other reason is there to watch this horseshit? Jarreau asks him if he's that insecure, and Earl slams Jarreau verbally, asking who in the fuck is he to say shit to Earl after he went ballistic on him earlier for something that Earl can't even recall doing now. Jarreau says it's just the everyday living with Earl that's gotten everyone pissed with him. Alex says he's a selfish bastard, and that all this is going to come back and bite him on the weenie if he doesn't hurry up and realize this. Alex doesn't think he wants Earl being his fraternity brother. I audibly gasp as this is being said, perched nervously on the edge of my seat. Aw, who am I kidding? I scratch my balls and yawn as Alex prattles on and on, debating on whether having Earl in the frat is a blessing or a curse. It's editorial commentary time: if I were in the frat, I'd take Alex, Paul, and Jarreau and ditch the other three psychos. I'd get rid of about 97% of the fraternity brothers as well. Then I'd just start my own fraternity and call it Sigma Phi Bobbo. Boy. I'll bet my peers would really start accepting me then, huh?
It's now Day Three of Hell Week. My God. It feels like the ninth trimester by now. We must be in Satan's basement by now, right? When will this unholy period ever end?! Alex wants to talk to his brother Adam to determine whether pledging is really worth it in the end. Adam tells him he has to "go military" and "get in the zone." All of a sudden I'm in the middle of a Mountain Dew commercial. Adam drops a bombshell on the entire viewing audience when he announces that he almost dropped out of the pledge process the day before initiation. Wow. Here I am, back on the edge of my seat again! Alex is ready to drive a fiery hell coach through this parade right now, and Adam reminds him that the closer it gets to initiation, the more intense it's going to get, because the brothers want to see which of the pledges want in this fraternity as bad as the brothers did when they were pledging. Adam asks him if Alex remembers Adam's face the night he came home after initiation. Alex looks puzzled and says, "You mean...all the dried jizz glueing your eyelashes together?" Adam says, "Well that...but also the fact that I was ecstatic that it was over and I was now a member of the greatest fraternity on campus that is no longer technically a fraternity because we hazed the bejeezus out of our pledges and didn't have the common sense to hide it from the MTV cameras." Alex remembers. Adam tells him to stick with the process and that by the end of the whole shebang, Alex will have that same disoriented, glassy-eyed, jizz-stained look that Adam once wore. This pep talk keeps Alex in the game for the time being.
Back at the frat house, the boys are taking a siesta at 4 in the afternoon, which leaves Earl packing wood in his boxers. Paul informs the guys that Wednesday is the day that the brothers vote to see who gets in the frat. Please God, let this scene have been filmed on a Tuesday afternoon, for I cannot take much more of this shit. Paul says that if Earl wants in the frat, he should write a letter to the brothers apologizing for being such a collossal penis to Mike B. Earl says that as far as that letter goes, it hasn't been written yet and he doesn't plan on writing it. Heh. I sincerely hope we get to see the tears stream down this dipshit's face when he finds out he just went through six weeks of intense ass-kissing for nothing.
During line-up that evening, the Puke instructs each pledge to take out his dollar bill. Everyone does it except Earl, who's staring into the spotlight with a psychotic look on his face. The Puke asks Alex how many dollar bills he has; Alex has four. He asks Alex if he'll lend Earl one; Alex says he did lend Earl one, but that Earl gave it back. El Puke-o asks Earl what's the skinny on this latest revelation, and Earl says he wants his own damned dollar bill. And his Mommy. Not necessarily in that order. Earl hopes to find his dollar bill. Puke asks to see his notebook and naturally, Earl hasn't done the first thing that they've asked him to do. Earl says he hasn't had time to do anything. George starts babbling about Earl not doing anything he's told to do, blah blah blah. All the brothers look disgusted with Earl. Jarreau doesn't know what Earl's thinking, but it's almost like he's thinking, "Please, don't let me in the fraternity." Well, yeah. That and "Duuuuu-uuude. Kill Jarreau." They all give Earl a bit more shit and finally George says that it's going to be a really close call as to whether Earl gets initiated. But he ends up telling Earl to stop wasting his time as well as Earl's. The music reaches a crescendo and we find out that Russell Heldt is the executive producer of this show. Wonderful. Now I have a name to give the high priestess of Voodoo down on the corner when she finishes my voodoo doll.
time on Fraternity Life, the pledge exams are handed out, and somebody doesn't pass. This is the first time that somebody didn't make it all the way through the pledge process, and George agrees to tell the person he's not getting in to the fraternity. God. I have never been so friggin' bored watching a TV show than I have watching this one. Each week I tell myself it will get better, and it doesn't. I'm just really hoping somebody gets the boot and cries on camera week because I can't take much more of this lame-assed crap.