Table For Six

"Previously on Fraternity Life..." we witness how the tension in the pledge house has been permanently set on "high," reliving the moments when Earl yelled at the other pledges for saying [bleep] while he was on the phone with his mother; Alex yelled at the pledges to get the [bleep] up and then ripped some sheets off a bed in the most sensitive hissyfit ever televised; the guys took out their frustrations by knocking each other loopy in the front yard. Steve and Paul both admit that there's a lot of tension among everyone, and that they're all reaching their boiling points. Which can mean only one thing: lotsa squabbling in tonight's episode! Grab your Cheetos, pop open a Pepsi product, and llllllet's get ready to rumbllllle!

The guys show up at the frat house for line-up, where George is looking especially Hitler-ish. He asks the pledges if they forgot their [bleep] tonight. I'm guessing they bleeped out "garlic bread" because none of them look to be carrying any garlic bread. George asks for a show of hands of anyone who didn't look their [bleep] over. Paul raises his hand, and George cruelly decides to start with him. George asks him what the preamble to the constitution is. Paul starts rambling off some [bleep] off the top of his head that sounds like it might be official, but it's apparently bull[bleep], because George says it sho' ain't the Constitution. Paul looks confused, and then realizes that he was reciting a love letter that he secretly wrote to himself the night before, and not the Constitution. George then turns to Alex and asks him if he knows the Constitution. Alex doesn't even try to fake it. "Sir, no sir," Alex replies, like the good little butt wrangler that he is. George says that memorizing the Constitution just might be something that the pledges should take the time to learn. I think he's being sarcastic. Tim stares at the camera and mumbles that there's a damned good chance none of them will make it into this fraternity, and will never experience the thrill of having a drunken Brad dry-hump their butts in a show of brotherly love on a crowded disco floor while singing "It's Raining Men" at the top of his lungs. Frustrated, George asks Earl to recite the Constitution. Earl needs a minute to swim through the massive amounts of stale vodka in his brain to retrieve the information. George greets this moment of clarity by jamming a finger into his own ear to try to reach his brain stem while he waits for The Pearl to drudge up some twisted fragments of the beloved Constitution. Earl starts babbling something, but it turns out that he's just reciting the ingredients of a Twinkie from memory. George gets frustrated and orders them all on the floor for push-ups. In the background, we hear Brad clap and squeal with joy. George tells the camera that, right now, this is the absolute worst pledge class they've ever had in the four year history of the fraternity. I hang my own head in shame for having to recap these pathetic shitwipes. George reiterates the mantra of Fraternity Life -- that there's a good chance none of these guys will ever make it into the fraternity. If I had $100,000 for every time I heard that phrase on this show, I'd be a freakin' multi-millionaire by now. Hell, I woulda made $200,000 in the first few minutes of this episode alone.