Previously on Fraternity Life, a bunch of arrogant turds were getting on my nerves, forcing me to start drinking again, which resulted in my becoming more belligerent than normal and causing my wife to scream things like "Why are you doing this to your family?!" and slam bedroom doors in my drunk and disoriented face while my son cried. Thank you, Sigma Chi Omega! But man, if you think my life sucks, check out the dilemmas of the pledges. Tim starts seeing Nicole (from Sorority Life) as a good friend, and she's nice and all, but it seems like Nicole may be wanting more out of this friendship than Tim is willing to give. Then there's Alex, who broke up with Lindsey near the beginning of the series but can't seem to shake her, like a bad case of SARS.
The boys are at a club called "Bada Bing" or something like that. It may have been "Bling Bling," which is gang code for "deformed genitalia." At least, that's what the gang member down the street told me as he was removing my hubcaps to take them home and polish them up. He's a good kid. A bit misunderstood, but show me one gang member who isn't. All they want is love, people. And a little bling-bling. So anyway, the guys are dancing with some random hot chicks, and Tim says that all the guys have game at one point or another. Paul says that he may not be known as the pledge with the most game, but that his nickname was "Manwhore" in high school, and that should explain a lot. My nickname was "Manbeast" in high school. Needless to say, with a nickname like that, I got laid about as much as Mother Teresa. Tim is begging the camera guy to tell him he's a pimp, to no avail. Tim then says that he doesn't have a girlfriend, because he does not give a shit about having one. I can only guess that Nicole is going to file this in her "Bad News" folder and shove it in the back of her frilly little file cabinet when she finds this out. After all, Poodle Head's spent the last four weeks picking out wedding dresses for her imaginary spring nuptials with Timmy. Jarreau admits that Tim's a player; Tim says he plays hockey but sucks at football, trying to downplay this cool playa image that he's suddenly been branded with, but you know he's lovin' every minute of it. We then see a montage of Tim with a slew of hot chicks who must love the MTV cameras, since there's no other reason for them to hang out with this pompous bag o' mule shit. Tim admits that he loves the ladies, and that if it weren't for the ladies, he would have never made it this far in the pledging process. Huh? You're not even supposed to look at the ladies during the pledging process, and this guy's been a bigger slut than Madonna trying to get her first record deal.
At the Student Union, Alex is giving Tim advice on how to screw around with a girl's mind. Alex says that love is love and games are games. Thanks for the clarification there, Señor Dildo Brain. He goes on to say that if you're one of the few that experiences love, you're one of the lucky ones. Yes, only a scant few of the people who have made it into this world have been able to experience love. The rest of them spend hours sculpting their facial hair and giving out shitty advice in the Student Unions, huh, Al? Am I right, Al? Tell me I'm a pimp, Al, tell me I'm a pimp.
Back at the Pledge House, Alex is on the phone with Lindsey as she continues to play games with his head. For all the advice that this guy is jazzed about dishing out, he sure as hell hasn't learned to take it himself. He tells her that when she lies to him, he doesn't want to be with her. Wait...didn't this ignorant li'l fucker break up with Lindsey already? I'm confused and can't determine whether my confusion comes from the events on the screen or the two empty bottles of Jägermeister at my feet. If these two have broken up, why in the fizzuck is this boy-band reject calling her? For God's sake, just ask Tim if he can hook you up with one of his castoffs. That's what pledge brothers are for -- to help you get laid after your high-school girlfriend decides to start playing Battleship with your id.
Tim's lying in bed talking to Nicole and obviously masturbating. He tells her to come on over to the house, and explains to the camera that what he and Nicole have is a great friendship -- a friendship where they cuddle and she strokes his hair and they look longingly into each other's eyes but draw the line at kissing. Kinda like my relationship with my two-year-old son. I mean...there's love there, but I don't try to make out with him. You know...unless I actually polish off three bottles of Jägermeister. At that point, the freakin' cat had better hide because somebody's getting royally pumped by a drunk and drooling Uncle Bob. Earl notes that Nicole brings Tim breakfast, and nobody brings Earl any breakfast; Earl says he sees Tim just taking advantage of Nicole's sweetness, and that makes Earl jealous. Somebody get this boy some bacon and eggs so he'll stop this incessant whining. Nicole plops down on Tim's bed and just sits there like she owns him. This poor dumb girl. Maybe on her reality show, she'll demand to see the dailies of her pseudo-lover's scenes and save herself the heartbreak of chasing after a slut who won't spread 'em for her. Earl tells Nicole that usually the guys walk around the house naked, and Nicole says, "Cool! Maybe time you guys can do that!" I'm sure she said that because that's the only way she'll ever get to see Tim's pathetic little spotted Vienna sausage. Tim says that Nicole's a good girl, and that she knows that he doesn't want a relationship right now. And that she may say that she's okay with that, but he feels that, deep down, she wants to ride his baloney pony like a bronco-busting champion and scream things like, "Worship my poodle-like hairdo, you simpering nutsack!" and "Pound me like a cheap piece of veal that expired four days earlier, you dribbling stud!"
Over at the Student Union, Lindsey's talking to a curly-headed fellow who exudes smugness and...holy shit! It's Mr. Cocky O'Swagger himself...Grant! You might remember Grant from such shows as the very first episode ofFraternity Life when he got on Alex's twin brother Adam's bad side by dry-humping Adam's old girlfriend on a jet ski! Good to have you back, Herr O'Swagger. Try not to fuck anybody silly while the camera's on you. Grant and Lindsey are talking about Alex and Lindsey's inability to create anything that remotely resembles a relationship when Alex walks up. He and Grant stare each other down as Alex explains that even though they used to be friends, they're no longer buds. Sounds to me like a drug deal went sour. Alex asks Lindsey if they can talk and she says "sure." Alex admits to the camera not only that he thinks Grant has boinked his brother's ex-girlfriend, but that he suspects Captain Pubehead has rubbed his pee-pee vigorously against Lindsey as well. They find a secluded hallway and have a long, drawn-out, bizarre conversation that finds Alex asking her for details about her friendship with Grant (they're just friends), telling her that he doesn't think their relationship is going to work (he's already broken up with her; how many more times does he have to do it?), and that he needs to find closure in this relationship (my advice: buy a bottle of Jägermeister and a gun and add a little spice into this boring-assed melodrama). Lindsey greets all of these revelations with appropriate eye-rolling and smirking. I'm beginning to think that Lindsey is my long-lost daughter.
We get to a slammin' club. Tim's talking to Nicole on the cell phone just as he's about to step into the club. Tim agrees that Nicole needs to bring him breakfast at 7:30 AM the day, and waltzes into the club to grind against some hotties. Meanwhile, Nicole begins baking the feast that will finally win the heart of this mentally deranged tool. The party moves to the pledge house as Earl has brought his stripper girlfriend and several of her stripper friends back to the house. Jarreau checks them out and decides to go to bed rather than stay in the company of strippers. He goes to bed where he pulls the 8x10 glossy of Rip Taylor out from under his pillow and whispers sweet nothings to it until he falls into a peaceful sleep. Tim is introducing himself to a stripper; later, he tells Earl that he'll be sleeping in the Boom-Boom Room. The stripper -- who's half deaf from listening to Mötley Crüe's "Girls, Girls, Girls" at full volume for several years -- says, "The Movement Room?!" This causes Earl and Tim to snicker as Earl says that there's a lot of thrusting and jabbing and penetration in the "Movement Room." Tim takes the stripper into the Boom-Boom Room, where he gets a hummer and then plays a rousing game of "Boink the Stripper." Steve finally speaks up and says that Tim is playing Nicole or some shit. I dunno. Steve's about as lively as a turtle on Xanax and I find it hard to pay attention to anything he says. Here's a revelation, though -- the girl we see with Tim in the Boom-Boom Room is not the same stripper Tim was flirting with all night. That stripper was brunette and wearing all black clothes. The girl in the Boom-Boom Room is blonde and wearing all white clothes. And believe me, I understand the whole concept of "night-vision" on a video camera, but if you look at Tim, he's still got dark hair while this gal is clearly blonde. Eat it up now, Timmy. In ten years, no barfly is going to want to go home with a guy who "used to be on MTV" and whose penis is now a mass of open sores. Just ask Billy Idol. Tim suddenly remembers that Nicole is on her way over with breakfast, and right now, food is more important than a drooling stripper lying to him. So he kicks the stripper out just as Nicole is walking up to the door. Finally! A catfight that doesn't include Alex!
Alas...no catfight. Nicole and the stripper don't even technically see each other. Nicole goes up to the second floor, where she's told that Tim is in the shower. Because Tim is showering, she declares this a "fun house." Apparently, personal hygiene is big on Nicole's list of fun activities. You wouldn't know that by scoping out her melon. She decides she wants to sit in this room, full of pillows, that the guys call "The Boom-Boom Room" and strippers call "The Movement Room" and Nicole calls "That Room With The Icky Stains All Over The Pillows." Nicole says that the room is "messy." At this, Earl snickers and asks Tim why the room's so messy, which goes right over Nicole's frizzy head as she announces that the room needs to be vacuumed. Apparently, there's still a forest of Tim's errant ass hairs all over the floor. Tim and Nicole sit down for breakfast as Tim says that Nicole just really doesn't get the point, but that breakfast was good. Two words, Timbo: Billy Idol. I'm just sayin'.
Alex is talking to Allison, the girl door, on her front porch. They're making inept small talk that seems to revolve around Alex. Alex is glad that he's finally starting to talk to fresh-faced girls now, and that's helping him get past Lindsey the Hun. Over at the student union, Nicole is innocently stalking Tim as he tells Alex that he hates this, but it's obvious he loves the attention. Alex is rolling his eyes at Tim's woman troubles as Tim explains that Nicole brought him breakfast that morning. Alex says, "Did you tell her 'no'?" and Tim says, "I told her I was sleeping." So Alex adds, "But the word 'no' never left your lips, did it?" I never thought I'd see the day when Alex was tired of hearing about someone else's woman troubles. Alex could write a book on dysfunctional relationships and here he is, handing out advice to a playa. That's like me sitting Bill Clinton down and trying to explain to him how to get a hummer from an intern. Tim tells Alex that Nicole has tried to kiss him (gasp!), and that he turned his head because he doesn't want to kiss her because then she'll get attached to him. Nicole knows he doesn't want a relationship, so why does she keep trying to kiss him and bring him breakfast? Alex says that Tim likes the attention, and that's why he's stringing her along. Plus it ensures that he gets on two television shows, rather than one, busting that Q rating through the freakin' roof! Yeah, baby! But maybe all that notoriety isn't worth it, because he claims Nicole is nothing more than a nuisance to him. Ouch! Here's a hint, Einstein: quit calling Fluffy the Wonder Dog and maybe, just maybe, she'll leave you alone. Christ. Do I have to do everything for these guys?
Over at a bar called Third Base, Lindsey's standing outside with her friends; Alex is inside. He comes outside, and he and Lindsey have another one of those weird fights that really seem forced for the TV cameras. He asks her if she wants to come in, and she doesn't. He asks why, and if it's because her friends aren't old enough to come in the bar. She says she's happy without him, and he says he's happy without her. She hugs one of her friends; Adam pushes Alex back into the bar and then walks away from it all. The whole scene lasted maybe thirty seconds, yet it gave me a headache for several hours. Where's the justice in that?
Meanwhile, Tim is hooking up in a bar with his ex-girlfriend Kristi, from Colorado. Kristi was Tim's very first long-term relationship and while ex-girlfriends and Tim don't usually mix very well (duh!), he gets along great with Kristi. I'm thinking that it was Kristi we saw with Tim in the Boom-Boom-Movement Room. Call me a roving investigative reporter, but seriously, it's the only fun I have watching this crap. Steve says that Kristi is the first girl he's seen Tim with that Tim has genuine feelings and affection for. We then see them in the Boom-Boom Room (aha! And she's wearing a white top too! Case solved! Book 'em, Dano!) , where Tim admits that his feelings for Kristi are unlike his feelings for all the other girls. Basically, he actually used this girl for something other than a cum dumpster.
Over at the Student Union, Tim and Kristi are watching a midget drag queen onstage get his groove on, and are chuckling at the absurdity of it. Tim says he thinks Nicole still thinks that Tim has a secret girlfriend, and that Nicole will probably think it's Kristi. Just as he says this, Nicole comes stalking up and confronts Tim. He introduces her to Kristi and they give each other the icy blow-off. Tim complains in an interview that the girlfriend he broke up with four years ago blows into town and there's Nicole five minutes later, standing behind them! I mean, what the fuck? Tim decides that he's going to tell Nicole to leave him alone and fuck off, but she'll still go fucking nuts anyway. Gosh, it looks like Timmy's psychology experiment of fucking with a girl's head in order to get more television time has backfired on him and now he has a deranged freak invading his personal space at every waking moment. Tough titty, Timmy. Billy Idol would kill to have a stalker right now. Even if it was Nicole.
Alex, Tim, and Earl are in the Student Union. They want to go talk to Ally, who is a looker. Or, as they used to call 'em in my day, one foxy mama. Tim sees Nicole standing on the fringe of the Union, scanning the area for some Timmage, and he ducks. Ally is some sort of photographer who takes pictures of television remote controls or some shit, and to get in her pants you have to say stuff about her art like "How unique!" and "You are a master photographer with one tight rump, Missy!" So Tim's trying to decide what to say when Nicole walks up behind him with a look on her face that would kill a lesser man. No, wait. She's smiling, my bad. Actually, it's an unflattering shot of Nicole. She looks like my mom before the shock therapy treatments of '91. Tim calls Nicole a cockblock and observes that she's not even a guy. Then again, he hasn't taken her in the Boom-Boom Room yet, so the jury's still out on what she may be. Nicole walks away and goes to sit with some other guy. Tim admits that he liked Nicole to a point, but now it's like, "Stop bothering me! You're freaking me out and causing me social interaction that I'm not comfortable in dealing with right now! Plus, the whole poodle thing, woman! Find a hairdresser who's not blind!" Tim says that Nicole keeps pushing and pushing and pushing and pushing, and that's a big turn-off to him. He's not going to waste his time with a stalker. Nicole has decided that they need to go to Applebee's to have a much-needed talk.
They get to Applebee's, home of the Bourbon Street Steak that tastes faintly of swarthy Armenian armpits, where Nicole unveils her patented deranged Glenn Close stare while she sits across the table from Tim. Nicole has to know why Tim hasn't kissed her after four weeks of dating. Tim says that if he kisses her, it takes their relationship to a whole new level that he's not ready for yet. She asks if it's pledging that makes him not want to kiss her, and he admits that pledging is a strenuous process and that, yes, pledging has been known to keep a guy from wanting to kiss a stalker with a bad perm. Tim doesn't want to hurt Nicole, but he feels it's going to happen eventually. I can tell ya, if he hadn't hurt her before this show aired, I do believe this episode may have left her writhing in pain in a dark alley with a needle protruding from her arm. 'Cause the dude is colder than me, and that's a major feat in my book. Nicole thanks Tim for talking with her; she says she's all right with all this and invites him over to the pledgehouse for a bunny boil...oops, "a barbecue" weekend.
Back at the pledge house, Tim and Alex are talking. Tim thinks Alex is over Lindsey; he adds that, at first, he didn't know Alex that well, but that they're really starting to click. Alex says that Lindsey messed with his head to the point where he was totally dependent on her, but that he's past that now and it feels so good. Tim says his philosophy is that you should want to be with somebody and not need to be with somebody. Alex finds this revelation utterly fascinating and makes a face to express his utter fascination. We then see footage of Alex talking to all these different women as his pledge brothers say that he's a new man: he's a skirt-chasing horndog now, and they love him for it. Alex himself says it's so good to be single again. Except for the sudden lack of non-stop boinkety-boink action. But hey, that's why they've got Jarreau in the house, right?
week, the guys have to impress a bunch of alumni who are meaner than George, and somebody answers the phone against Earl's wishes, causing Earl to go apeshit. Only four episodes left. Thank God for small miracles.