Previously on Fraternity Life, Dan smartened up and got the hell out of this freakfest just in time to cop some smack and hole up in his dorm room, away from the cameras, the pledges, the brothers, and society. Mags bellowed the phrase "Do you think this is a joke that we make rules for you?" in a voice that sounded like Linda Blair being possessed by a moose with a bullhorn. And the pledges decided that if they're ever going to get through this pledging process, they must band together as one and be one giant collective dickhole. And they made me ashamed to be a man on more than one occasion.
The pledges are getting ready for a weekend retreat to Toronto. I may as well tell you now, this recap is bound to be shorter than normal this week because 90% of the dialogue in the episode is bleeped out. My guess is that the word "fuck" is thrown around like cheap beads in a Mardi Gras parade, but the censoring is so fast and furious that it comes across more as the producers calling for help in Morse Code than actual dialogue. George, the wacky pledgemaster with the heart of pewter, explains that the guys are being invited to Toronto for a weekend retreat. Yes, George, you baffling fuckmaster, I've already explained that. Jarreau pipes up that there's a task the guys must complete, and that if they can do that, then the weekend will be fun. He says this as he's packing a big tub of Crisco in his duffle bag. Alex is half dreading the trip and half looking forward to it. Kinda like having sex with a paraplegic. I mean...it's sex, so it's fun. But then you have that whole moral issue of whether you really want to stick around afterward to help her back into her wheelchair, plus deal with the fact that in your desperate attempt for sexual satisfaction, you just boinked a paraplegic. I mean...it's not exactly a Hallmark moment, y'know?
The guys meet up with the brothers. We see Flounder running around hugging everyone like we're all supposed to forget that he "blew them out" or whatever hell the phrase he used last week to insinuate that he was a fucking piece of rat shit that couldn't be trusted. George says that the goal of the weekend is to teach the pledges how to work together to achieve a common goal. Which, technically, they could have accomplished by just throwing them all into a circle jerk; they'd have saved a lot of money and still taught them the whole "common goal" thing. Mike -- the brother who wants to be loved but still has to overcome this whole "pompous ass wart" thing he's got going -- says that if a vote were taken today, none of these guys would get into the fraternity because they're all a bunch of fuck-ups. This guy is a goddamned ray of sunshine. The pledges are broken up at the thought of riding on two buses with the brothers. On one bus are Steve, Paul, and Alex; on the other bus are Jarreau, Earl, and Tim. I'm not telling you this for any specific reasons; it's just that this was one of the few things said in the entire thirty minutes that wasn't deconstructed by the censors, and I was able to comprehend what was going on.
So they get on the buses, and Flounder announces to his pledges that this weekend was not designed for the pledges to have fun, so the three pledges have to climb inside the bathroom together and ride to Toronto in it without saying a word to each other. On the other bus, some guy I don't recognize is telling the other three pledges that they have to hold on to a football for the entire weekend, and that they cannot under any circumstances let go of the football. Minutes later, Mike the pompous ass wart wrestles the football away from Paul without much of a fight. I'm halfway shocked that they don't just toss Paul out the window as the bus goes speeding down the interstate, in a show of "brotherhood." Meanwhile, Tim -- who's squished in the bathroom with Jarreau and Earl -- decides to call Steve on his cell phone. Never mind that they were told not to talk; this gaping wound makes a freakin' cell-phone call. I definitely sense some "brotherhood" between Steve and Tim. Those two are tighter than a gerbil vagina. Steve tells Tim that all they're doing is sitting there holding a football. Tim feels that his three pledges got the short end of the stick, and naturally, he wants to bitch about it to the other two pledges. Way to keep quiet, Timmy. The three morons are finally let out of the bathroom by Flounder, who finds it immensely funny that they were able to force grown men into a bathroom just because they wanted to. The power Flounder wields is in direct proportion to the abuse he had to take growing up, when he'd go running home from school every day, sobbing to his Mommy as she helped him tug his underwear out of his sphincter.
The guys all arrive in Toronto and have to jump off the bus and hug each other like a bunch of drunken pansies. This goes on for several minutes as alarmed hotel guests are wondering if they just checked into the official Toronto hotel for the overzealous organizers of gay pride parades. They're all screaming and cussing as they enter the Sheraton Centre Toronto (what's one more free plug for this fleabag hotel?). I don't understand how these brothers can say that they're building pledges into respectable men when they're showing them that it's cool to yell "Fuck you motherfucker" in front of elderly women. Yeah, that'll get you real far in the corporate world, you cheese-eating punk-asses. The guys get to their rooms, and it looks like MTV has sprung for the best suites the place has to offer. The guys are all overwhelmed by their digs and show their appreciation to the cable channel by saying "fuck" over and over again. Jarreau calms down and admits that he wants to hurry up and hear what the challenge is going to be. George says that the guys are going to be sent on a scavenger hunt, and if they can find everything on the list, they can go out with the brothers and have an "equal" night where they're treated like brothers and not rabid wolverines. That's the prize. They get to hang out with Flounder and George and Mike and Brad, who won't treat the pledges like shit the whole night. If I were the pledges, I'd blow off the challenge and just lounge in the suite all day and order room-service drinks. Why bust my ass to hang out with losers?
The pledges get the list of things to find:
- One picture of "The Rocket Chair"
- Three pictures of the Toronto waterfront
- Three pictures of hot Canadian chicks (which prompts Alex to ask if they can be whores. George says they can't be whores and MTV puts up a graphic for "3 pics of Hot Chicks (cannot be whores).")
- One photo of Gretzky's hockey puck and stick
- A photo of the Sigma Chi Omega letters at 1,122 feet, and
- The Golden Sword
A cheesy graphic that says "Find the Golden Sword" pops up on the screen as a choir does a bunch of "Ah-ah-ahhhing" to signify the drama in finding the sword. Mike -- who's listing all these things -- says, "An actual Golden Sword." Tape it and play it back if you don't believe me. This is crucial, because -- and forgive me for ruining the big surprise for you, here -- but it's not an actual sword that they're looking for. So if the pledges don't find it, I'd point out to this pompous ass wart that he said "an actual Golden Sword." Alas, it isn't really all that important and I'm just saying this to point out the ignorance of Mike. The pledges aren't all that hip on finding a sword in the middle of Toronto. George says that there's a lot of symbolism in the sword. The only thing running through my mind is the Golden Sword fights I used to have with my cousin Dave when we were kids. Keep in mind, we didn't have PlayStation 2 growing up, so we had to find fun wherever we could. If that meant pissing all over each other, then hey, consider it a shindig.
The day, the guys get cranked up at noon to start the scavenger hunt that must be finished by 6 PM. Call me anal, but I think I would have started before noon. Because technically, time is a factor in a scavenger hunt. Alas, I have more common sense than the entire pledge class, so I don't even know why I bother trying to reason with myself over this shit. Am I babbling? I'm babbling, aren't I? Sorry. I'm just trying to make up for the lack of action and plot in this week's episode. So the first thing on the agenda is to try and find the Rocket Chair. They ask a lot of people where the Rocket Chair may be, and nobody knows. Jarreau's worried that time is of the essence. It's good to see I'm on the same wavelength with at least one of these jerk-offs, even if it's Jarreau. Earl's worried because they should be coming together as one, and instead they're just walking the streets trying to look like big TV stars with TV cameras following them around. They spend an hour looking for the chair and have not found it, so Earl calls the brothers asking for a hint about the rocket chair. The brothers are eating lunch and aren't about to give them a hint. So the hunt is abandoned for the time being. George says their problem is that they're inconsistent, which doesn't look good for them. They stop for a hot dog. They're running out of time, and they stop for a hot dog. Earl's beginning to panic because the hunt is not going well. Jarreau suggests that they get a taxi to go to the CN Tower, the tallest structure in Toronto. They're walking in circles, and naturally, Tim and Steve start going off on their own, which pisses off the other pledges because they're not all on the same page, and that's why they rarely accomplish anything as a team. Jarreau suggests again that they get a taxi, and says that maybe at 6 PM they'll all begin to understand the importance of a taxi. His idea is shot down, so he suggests that they appoint a leader. Earl gets the lofty position of group leader, so he starts yelling at Tim and Steve to be part of the group. This causes Steve to yell back at Earl. Yell, yell, yell. Yell, yell, yell. Scream, scream, scream. Yes, all of a sudden, my recap has taken on the tone of a violent Dick and Jane primer. Probably because the boys are acting like children. Tim says in a POV that the scavenger hunt is falling apart because nobody's taking charge. Uhhhh...Timmy...lean into your monitor here for a second. Just a second. A little closerrr....SMACK! There. You deserved that, you incompetent penis. More yelling as Mags says in a POV that he hopes one of the pledges will step up to the plate, and that they will learn that they need to work together to achieve a common goal. Mags is giving these ignorant chimps more credit than they deserve.
Paul tries to be that monkey stepping up to the plate and instantly gets handfuls of chimp feces thrown at him as he tries to explain that they have to work together. The rest of the guys stand around whining and bitching about various crap. I have no idea what they're bitching about, but I can transcribe portions of it for you: "Dude, you're [bleep] a [bleep] and he wants to [bleep] a [bleep] so I [long bleep] and that's [bleep]. So [bleep]." "Oh really, [bleep]? Then [bleep] yourself and [bleep] the [bleep] because [bleep] your [bleep] a [bleep]!" I mean, they could be dogging each other's grandmothers. I dunno. Anyway, they've apparently been trying to get to the CN Tower for an hour and finally get to it. They get up there, and the floor is made of glass. They make the Sigma Chi Omega symbols with cigarettes on the glass floor (which is giving me vertigo), snap a photo, and they're outta there. That only took two and a half hours out of six. This is the future of America, people. No wonder Johnny Depp moved to France.
, they're out to find Wayne Gretzky's hockey puck and stick. They go to his restaurant and all decide that they need a beer. Maybe it's the urgency of the constant "Time Left" reminders that MTV is bombarding us with, but I'm screaming at my television, "You don't have time for beers, you morons!". So they're toasting and relaxing, because they have three hours left to find all this other stuff. They casually ask the manager where the stick and puck are, and he says they donated it all to the Hockey Hall of Fame. So they've wasted more time sipping their beers in a place that doesn't have what they need. They decide to go to the Hockey Hall of Fame. Jarreau suggests taking a taxi. Each of the pledges fight the urge to pimpslap his whiny taxi-worshipping ass. They go outside to leave and leave Tim inside. Tim finds the hockey stick and puck in a glass case, proving that the manager of the restaurant doesn't know shit about his own restaurant and has been made to look like a buffoon on national TV. When in Toronto, eat at Gretzky's! Alex rationalizes that, had they never had those beers, Tim would have never found the stick, thus shoving all the things I said about them being idiots back in my face. Fine, Alex. You may have won this war, my crafty little underwear model-looking pygmy. But from here on out, I plan to be one step ahead of you. is the waterfront pictures, which wasn't too hard. They find a boat, they snap some photos, and it's done. is the pictures of hot chicks (not whores). They find some junior high school girls walking down the street and take pictures with them. Done.
All that's left is the rocket chair and the Golden Sword. Earl says the only advice they got from the brothers was that the Golden Sword was something the pledges needed to think about. I'm still leaning toward the whole penis-fighting thing, because something tells me that this fraternity appreciates a good urine battle more than anything. But first...the rocket chair. Some woman tells them where the rocket chair is, and that they have to take the subway to get to it. So the guys get on the subway and admit that with two hours left, they don't think they're going to be able to find the Golden Sword. Jarreau suggests that maybe they might want to start thinking about taking a taxi. Somebody mentions that the Golden Sword may be in their minds. I'm not exactly sure which one of them said it because I was so taken aback by the fact that maybe one of these idiots may not be as ignorant as I originally pegged them.
They finally get to the science museum, where the rocket chair is. It's some kind of floating chair on exhibit there. Naturally, these doofuses think it's perfectly acceptable to sit on it and snap photos. It's a museum, you morons. Just because you have an MTV camera with you doesn't make you above the museum rules. Sheesh. They'd probably go to Italy and see the statue of David and pretend to give him a hummer for a photo, too. Now they have one hour and twenty-five minutes to find the Golden Sword. They walk around town for one hour and twenty-one minutes trying to find the Sword, to no avail. They get to the hotel, where the brothers are flashing a light at them to remind them that they have four minutes to get to the room. They rush to the room with a second to spare. They announce that they have everything except the Golden Sword. Mike, ze pompous ass wart (I'm getting into the whole French-Canadian thing by now), gives them one more hour to find the sword. They wander around the outside the hotel looking for a sword. Tim decides that there is no physical sword, and that they have to make a sword with their bodies by lying down in the grass and forming a sword. They call up to the room to tell them to look out the window. This causes George to giggle like Brad with a scented candle jammed up his ass. George says they have no idea what they're doing, but he gives them an A for effort for at least trying to understand what the Golden Sword is about. Earl has a moment of clarity and comes up with the concept that maybe it's not a physical sword they're looking for, but that maybe the sword is in their hearts and minds and is actually symbolic. Tim checks the pledge handbook and finds out that a sword pierces their heart with a commitment to the fraternity. I wipe a single tear from my eye as the pledges come together to discover that, collectively, they can accomplish anything they want. As long as it has something to do with the fraternity. Or something. Shit. I dunno. I'm shocked that these jackasses have made it through the last seven hours without somebody getting killed.
The pledges show up at line-up. George asks if they found the sword. They're giggling; he asks why they're laughing, and says he will de-pledge every single one of them right now without a single thought. This causes them to laugh even more because they've learned that every single thing George says is an empty threat, geared to scare them straight, and that there's no way he'll de-pledge them all because then not only do they not have a pledge class for 2002, but MTV doesn't have a show for the fall schedule and you just don't piss off MTV. George points out that the sword is in their hearts for all the heart they've shown throughout the whole pledge process. Okay, by now I'm weeping like Shirley MacLaine at the end of Terms of Endearment. This is just too goddamned touching. Mike says they showed a lot of group effort. George says they busted their asses, and that the brothers saw that for the first time. Brad is conspicuously absent until we see footage of him molesting a young Laotian boy in the suite's hot tub.
The guys all go out to a club, where they dance together and rub up against each other and hug and all that. You're damned skippy Brad's there absorbing all this HoYay, having strangled the Laotian kid and hid his limp body in the hotel's laundry chute. Afterwards Mags says in a POV that the pledges [bleep] a [bleep] but that they [bleep] a [bleep] for the three [bleep]. Wow. That's a shocker. A graphic tells us that there's still three weeks left in the pledging process. Anything can happen in those three weeks. Personally, I'm hoping for a debilitating stroke. For myself.
week, we get to see Tim's side of the story about his break-up with the frazzled poodle girl Nicole from Sorority Life, and Lindsey is back to torment Alex some more. Please God. I know I ask for a lot from you. But please, if you could...strike me dead before Wednesday evening at 10:30/9:30 Central, I would be eternally grateful. Thank you.