We start the show with a shot of Dan getting the top of his ear pierced. Paul says that Dan's an interesting guy, very unique. Dan brings a lot to the house. Naturally, this means Dan probably dies from a drug overdose this week and we're being privy to an impromptu eulogy right now. Earl asks Dan when he's ever going to stop being weird as Dan walks around the house with a bandanna tied around his face like a redneck Michael Jackson. Dan tells the camera that he does what he wants and doesn't care what others think of him. Which would go a long way in explaining why he's pledging this fraternity.
The obligatory shots of Buffalo. We're showing the sewer system this week. Obviously, we have officially run out of shots of Buffalo. week we'll see the crack-whore district. It's early morning as Alex yells at everyone to get the fuck up. Outside, it's nighttime as two of the pledges are boxing. I think one of them is Tim, but I can't tell who the other one is because they're both wearing these big helmets to protect their pretty-boy faces. Paul says there's a lot of tension in the air, so the guys have taken to beating the living shit out of each other in the front yard. Inside, we see Tim and Earl bitching at each other in an attempt to illustrate the aforementioned tension. Dan says that the pledges are screwing up a lot lately. He also adds that he hates going to the brothers' basement for line-up after they've screwed up. I'm frozen in horror as I try to imagine what goes on in that dank basement every time these guys screw up.
All the pledges are at the Frat House in line-up except for Dan, who someone mentions will be late for this line-up. George, who is now referred to as "Biff," isn't happy, because he was apparently all jazzed up to see Dan do some nude push-ups with a tub of Country Crock under his groin so that he's essentially a butterfucker. George is telling the pledges that they all need a very large vote to get into the fraternity, and right now, none of them have a very large vote. A couple of big dicks here and there (as he grins seductively at Jarreau, who shyly grins back), but no very large votes. He reminds them that if they receive three votes against them, they're gone. Their job right now is to impress the brothers. Earl admits that he just banged a stripper last week and several of the brothers stroke their chins, nod their heads slowly, and mumble admiringly to themselves like German scientists. Except for Brad, who looks to be on the verge of tears upon hearing the news. A portly piece of shit named Flounder, who is sprawled in a chair, pipes up like the pseudo-bad-ass that he is and says, "Piss off one brother and it could be the end. Remember that." Seriously, if I had been in that lineup, I woulda whipped my pecker out, urinated all over Flounder, and said, "Oh! I thought you said, 'Piss ON one brother'!" You know...just to watch that tub o' shit sputter my urine out of his big mouth.
Back at the pledge house, Tim and Alex are wrestling. Steve, the Robin to Tim's Batman, helps Tim put a potato down the back of Alex's pants, which is apparently the absolute worst thing you can do to a frat boy these days short of being forced to accept a guy like Flounder as part of your fraternity. Tim explains that it's the pledges' first night of freedom, so they're going to live it up. You know...by wrestling each other and shoving vegetables in each other's pants. They've decided to have some drinks as MTV reminds us of the pledge rule that this is a dry pledge and there is to be no alcohol consumption during the pledge process. Somebody mentions that Flounder is on his way over to the house, and everyone visibly shudders. Apparently, Flounder wants to borrow one of the guys' IDs to get "Conrad" into a bar. Apparently "Conrad" is one of the younger brothers who's not old enough to get in a bar and needs a fake ID to get in. And he needs his name in quotation marks because he's a fugitive from the law or some shit. And now this fact has been broadcast on national television. It seems like each and every week, a new law is broken by someone on this show, and the fraternity gets deeper and deeper in trouble in real life. Well...they don't anymore, since the fraternity has been suspended for being a bunch of fuck-ups. Which is the only enjoyment for me in watching this series -- knowing that these guys are going through a grueling pledge process and the frat is now out of business, so they're doing all this for naught. Is that considered a spoiler? Sorry. Anyway, Tim doesn't want to lend "Conrad" his ID. Earl says that since the pledges knew Flounder and "Conrad" were on their way over, and since those two are about as fun as a bleeding hemorrhoid, they decide to bolt out of the house before the two losers get there. Oops! Too late! Flounder and "Conrad" are waddling up the front sidewalk, picking their nose and ass respectively as the boys try to make a quick exit.
Flounder and "Conrad" recognize the fact that the pledges are already drunk. "Conrad" is all, "Ooooo! I'm telling!!" while Flounder puts his arms around the guys in an effort to try to bond with them rather than come off like a legacy the frat was forced into accepting. Jarreau tried to warn everyone about "Conrad," since he seemed a bit uneasy that the pledges were drunk. Steve, Tim, Jarreau, and Alex are standing away from Dan, Flounder, and "Conrad." Steve says he wants to go to a good bar, and Tim says that if they do that, Flounder and "Conrad" will want to stick around and they're trying to ditch the losers for the evening. Alex says, "What? You don't want them around?" Jarreau looks at Alex and says, "Hello? McFLYYYY," which cracked me up. Tim says he wants to drink, and they can't drink unless they get rid of Tweedledum and Tweedledumber. Alex doesn't think they can lose the brothers; Jarreau says they can, and the four of them take off at a rapid pace, leaving the loser patrol with Dan behind. Flounder and "Conrad" feel dissed, so they take off. I'd almost feel sad for the guys, but you can kind of tell that they're used to it.
We see the pledges out on the town having fun, or, as Andrew W.K. would say, "partying hard." While Tim admits that they're all having a blast, if the brothers find out that the pledges dared to have fun, it's all over for them, they're done. Walking back to the pledge house, Paul calls Tim and says that somebody called Biff and ratted them out. Everyone thinks it's "Conrad" who did it, because he's the sneakier little bitch of the two. None of the pledges have ever trusted him anyway, and now they're in trouble because "Conrad" ratted them out. Earl admits he'd like to grab "Conrad" by the nutsack and twist it up until his testicles burst. For some reason, that makes Jarreau openly salivate.
Back at the pledge house, Paul is explaining what happened there while the guys were out. It's probably the lamest backstory ever told on television, so bear with me. After the guys ditched Flounder and "Conrad," the two mama's boys came back to the pledge house and told Paul they had smelled alcohol on some of the pledge's breaths. "Not mine!" Jarreau pipes up. "No," Paul says. "They smelled Alex's semen on your breath." Everyone laughs, including me, since I made the joke up. Anyway, the pussy police leave the house, and Biff calls up a few minutes later to ask how the alcohol is tasting tonight. Paul's taken aback; he's taken this opportunity to do homework and not go out and party like the rest of the guys, because he actually has aspirations of doing something with his life someday. Jarreau makes the brilliant deduction that "Conrad" went behind their backs. Earl admits aloud that he never liked that weasel-faced cockmeister to begin with. Then someone points out that Earl has a weasel-face too, and Earl acts all ashamed of his face.
Earl goes upstairs to the bathroom and finds Dan passed out to the toilet. "We have a drunkard!" he announces to everyone. Dan explains that, since he was the only pledge to not be allowed to move into the house, he's been secretly sleeping between the toilet and the radiator for the last several weeks after everyone went to sleep. Earl explains to Dan that "Conrad" has ratted them out. Dan's body weight currently stands at about a 50-50 mix of alcohol and vomit. In a POV, Dan admits that it always seems as if every time they have their act together, they screw it up. Paul puts everyone to bed like the good little house mother that he is. Earl reminds everyone that if they don't want their balls ripped off, to be at Union Hours at 10 AM. It's now 3:24 AM. Do you know where your fraternity brothers are?
Apparently, they're out on your front porch at 5:45 AM. The brothers break in to the house. Mags reminds everyone that rules are rules, and the pledges are going to pay for breaking the rules. Naturally, being a bunch of money-grubbing bastards, they'd rather they paid for it with money orders and certified checks, but they'll take it out on them in whippings. They find a bottle of generic vodka with the word "VODKA" in black letters on a plain white label. I think the official brand name for it is "Hangover In A Jug." "Conrad" says that he just wishes the pledges had been honest. If they had just been honest, the brothers would have been much easier on them. Yeah, Connie...and if you hadn't gotten your panties in a wad over the fact that they wouldn't fork over their ID so you could get in a bar and strike out with women, and gone running back to the frat house to sob and tell Biff in deep, gasping breaths that the pledges wouldn't let you use their IDs, everyone would be asleep in their beds right now, you piping hot bowl of fuck. The brothers decide to drag each of the pledges out of bed while they're still wasted. Flounder's walking around like he's a real bad-ass when you can tell he's not loved by the brothers, he's tolerated. Tell me, Flounder, how many wedgies did your ass crack endure over the course of your educational career? I'm guessing two a day for the last fifteen years. Am I right? Mags says that the brothers aren't just there at line-up or at Union Hours, they're there twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Or at least while the MTV cameras are on, hogging up all the camera time. Mags is waking Tim up and barking at him to tell him where he got the stamp on his hand. Tim says the bar. Mags asks him if he drank at the bar, and Tim says no. Apparently, Tim was the designated walker, making sure all the boys got home and none of them were eaten by a rogue pack of wolves on the streets of Buffalo. Mags asks Tim if he drank at the house before going to the bars, and Tim says no.
Downstairs, in an impromptu line-up, the brothers are grilling the pledges, trying to get them to rat each other out, which they're not doing. Mags asks them if they think it's a joke when the brothers make rules for the pledges to abide by. Tim says no, when the answer is clearly "yes." The whole fraternity is a joke, Mags. It's been suspended from campus, and your pledges are facing jail time for breaking and entering the local zoo to steal a chicken. Sorry, Mags, but Sigma Chi Omega is one big fat funny fucking joke. Kinda like Flounder. Except Flounder's not funny.
Somebody makes the wise decision to send everyone outside onto the front porch. Earl's not pissed at "Conrad" for ratting them out; he's pissed that "Conrad" said he wouldn't rat them out and then did. Flounder tells the guys that he's cool with having fun, but that the pledges were all so shady. Flounder then breaks the news that "Conrad" didn't "blow them in"...Flounder did the dirty deed and done it dirt cheap. In Tim's POV, he says that he will never ever trust Flounder again. That's fine, Tim. The brothers don't care if you like them or not. Just as long as you have that check written for your pledge dues and turned in on time. That's all these guys really care about...they need your money to buy beer and fake IDs.
"Conrad" says that Mags is intimidating. Gimme a break. Barney Fife was more intimidating than Mags. Mags is on the front porch, asking Tim if he's drunk since pledging. Tim says he has. Mags says he needs to hear the rules of pledging; he needs to have them refreshed. Earl says there is no drinking, as we see footage of them all drinking. He says there are to be no visitors to the house, and we see footage of visitors at the house. He says there's no women allowed in the house, and we see women in the house. Mags wants to know how many of those rules have been broken, and Earl admits that they've broken them all, and thank God there's no rule against having sex with farm animals in the house or they would have all been gone several weeks ago. This makes Steve emit a shy giggle. Mags says in a POV that this impromptu humiliating line-up on the front porch at 6 AM while they're all still half-drunk will actually bring them closer. God. I'm glad I don't have this guy for a shrink. A neighbor yells at them to take it inside because people with actual IQs are trying to sleep. So the party gets moved indoors. Flounder asks Paul why he's there...why is he pledging. Paul says it's because he wants to be part of the best organization on campus. This sends Flounder into a rage, because the fraternity isn't an "organization," it's a family, goddammit. He spits at Paul that Paul is trying to be in "his fucking family." Seriously, at that point, I'm shocked the pledges didn't all just do double-takes at Flounder and say, "Dude...I don't wanna be in that guy's 'family,'" and the cameras shut off and the series ends right there. I cannot stress this enough...Flounder is a nerd. A nerd I wouldn't be caught dead hanging around with in public. There's not enough money in Bill Gates's bank account to pay me to be part of "his" family. I can see why he's so gung-ho about "his family," because I'll bet you my paycheck that Flounder's parents abandoned him when he was young and left him to grow up on his own behind a rest area on the side of a deserted highway in upper New York State and that these guys are the only real family he's ever known.
Meanwhile, Dan looks like he's about to puke.
In a POV, Flounder, who looks like an even bigger nutswallower when he removes his glasses, says that he just really wanted to show the pledges how hardcore he is about his fraternity. Mags sends the guys back to their bedrooms, screaming about how pathetic they are, and that if they don't want to be part of the fraternity they can all just leave right now, and he can guarantee them that the brothers wouldn't give a fuck. But, you know, please feel free to donate to our dues fund for your time spent in our lovely resort, and remember, if you're going to pledge...pledge Sigma Chi Omega!
Over at Union Hours, Adam runs into Tim and Dan, who are trying to eat a greasy breakfast on a hungover stomach. Dan's pissed because they had to do line-up on the porch this morning at 6 AM, just as his black tar heroin was kicking in. Adam grins and says that every pledge class is made to believe that they've been the worst pledge class in the history of the fraternity. He tells Dan everyone thinks about depledging at least once. Dan says that's the only thing he thinks about 24-7. Getting the fuck out of Dipshit City and reclaiming his life. He says that it's hard enough to go through the pledge class, but they have to go through it with cameras documenting their every move. He's tired of being followed around; there's no privacy with two or three cameramen around at all times. At this point, we see the camera crew filming the guys walking in the door and up the stairs. Dan's right, but it's not like this is a real treat for the camera guys. I'm sure every cameraman drew the short end of the straw, while the lucky ones are up the street filming the Sorority Life girls having pillow fights in their sheer lingerie. Dan wants to be a normal kid again. Tim tells him that at the very beginning, Tim told Alex that at least one of the pledges would depledge. Oh, the irony. And the foresight.
Dan is talking to Alex about depledging. Alex is trying to calm him down by saying that it's tough for everyone, and that Alex is also tired of all the shit going on, but you don't see him depledging like a bitch. He reminds Dan that Dan always gets like this around the weekends, when the pledge process gets tougher, and Dan reminds Alex that he's been like this since Tuesday. Alex has no snappy comeback for that one. Dan makes several arguments for his case for leaving the fraternity, with each one making more sense than the last one, culminating in "I don't give up my freedom for anybody." You do for the fraternity brothers, Danny Boy. You are their bitch now and don't you forget it. And if you're going to forget it, forget it while in a crack-induced haze.
Outside, Alex is asking Earl why he's going to go out drinking when he feels sick. Earl shrugs and says that it makes him feel better. Dan loses it at this point as he roams around the house in a blind rage, saying how he's done. He's tired of all the shit, he's tired of all the fighting, and he's finished. He doesn't want to do this anymore because of all the drama. And all along, I thought this show was a comedy. He wants to depledge. He talks to Mike, his Big Brother. Earl and Jarreau are on the front porch, discussing the fact that they can't believe Dan's about to depledge. Jarreau fondles his balls for a split second before the camera goes off. I bet that if Jarreau makes it all the way through the pledge process, his nickname will be "Balls." And his roommate will be Brad. Dan's telling Mike that he just wants to go home. Tim tells Alex that Dan has depledged, which really bums Alex out. Alex says that he's not thrilled with being treated like a two-legged dog, but that he refuses to depledge. Yes, this is the same guy who almost depledged when he was forced to end a date early. Now he's Mr. Gung-Ho Frat Boy. Which sounds more like a Chinese menu item than a nickname, I guess.
We then get a series of comments about Dan. Alex says that this wasn't supposed to happen because Dan had already gotten his pledge pin and everything. "Conrad" is blown away by it all; he simply can't believe that this is happening. Brad says that Dan was a great guy and he was sad to see him go. Hindsight being 20-20, I bet if you had treated the kid with more respect, he might just still be here with you, Bradley. Earl never thought Dan would leave. But apparently Dan didn't enjoy the pledge process enough. Duh, Earl. That's like saying the Jews didn't appreciate the concentration camps enough, you simpering dumb-ass. Who the hell likes being tortured, outside of Brad and his golden nipple clamps?
Dan's packing all his stuff in garbage bags and hauling ass as if this whole thing is a disgrace. I actually applaud the guy for having the balls to say, "Enough is enough. You guys simply aren't worth the trouble." Dan says that it would have been nice to call these guys brothers, but that it simply wasn't worth the hassle. Not to mention the shame that comes with being involved in a fraternity that is made to look like a bunch of self-absorbed dicks on television.
The pledges call a meeting to discuss their current status. They need to all be honest with one another and get on the same page. They're trying to decide what they're going to do to make sure they all get through this and become members of the fraternity. Tim says they all need commitment and heart, and once they get that, they'll all come together as a team. Or at the very least, they'll get to bag more decent-looking chicks than they've been saddled with lately.
At that point, the show ended abruptly. No previews for week. Just...BOOM! Credits.
I think I've found someone creepier than Brad finally, now that Flounder has been given some airtime. I feel pretty sure that Flounder is reading these recaps, because he was posting on the boards for a while until we got bored with him there and had him banned. So Flounder...babe...hopefully you have the cell phone number of Toni Gallagher, the post-producer for the show. Give her a call. From my dealings with her, she seems like a super-nice woman. Explain to her that you saw this episode and realize that you came across as a bitter, retarded elephant turd and would like to make sure that you're edited from all future footage; that way, your absence from the show will hopefully ensure that maybe, someday, you'll be able to get laid and put all this crap behind you.
It's your only choice, Flounder.