Last week on Fraternity Life, Saddam Hussein was running around like a chicken with its head cut off while getting his ass blown off in an underground bunker, and John Norris was doing his best Dan Rather impression. In other words, the damned show was postponed so that MTV News could rap with the kids about the war that had just started an hour earlier. To say I was a bit perturbed over this network decision is being kind. Personally, I think that when the country has crept into the initial stages of war, nothing says "God Bless America" to me like a bunch of spoiled rich boys vomiting their lungs out while we cackle ourselves silly at home. I am upset that MTV doesn't feel the same way, but hey -- this ain't your daddy's MTV.
Anyway, previously on Fraternity Life, Alex was pegged as a pussy-whipped little bitch baby by every single person on the show as well as the audience watching at home. And now, on to the show.
Our obligatory shots of Buffalo in the fall are well documented. I'll admit, I don't live in the most desirable of locations myself, but Buffalo looks like the suspicious tumor on the colon of the world. Inside the student center, George is asking Jarreau and Alex if they have their togas ready. The boys, naturally, are clueless, but think that the hazing portion of the pledging has just taken a bizarre turn. Jarreau looks like his mom just asked him if he's gay and he's having an inner debate over whether to tell her or not. George explains in a nifty little voice-over that the Toga Contest is part of Spirit Week, an event which he's fortunate enough to have spearheaded. Yeah, Bubba. Toss that on a résumé and see where it gets you. George tells Tweedledum and Tweedledumber that they have twenty minutes to get a toga together. Alex spends a healthy portion of those twenty minutes hitting on chicks, asking if they would happen to have a toga with them. One girl says, "Not on me," which makes me giggle. He asks some of the DZO pledges from Sorority Life if he may borrow theirs once they're done. They giggle like...well, schoolgirls. So Jarreau and Alex are trotting off to the bathroom to have dirty boy sex when Alex comes up with a doozy of an idea. He strips down to his boxers and has Jarreau start wrapping him up in a paper-towel toga. As homoerotic as it may sound, this is probably the most macho either of these two has come across since the show began. I almost think Jarreau may actually be (gasp!) straight. Clutch the pearls, girlfriend, I do believe I feel a hot flash coming on!
The Toga Contest is held inside the Student Center, and as Alex is announced to the crowd, he rips his paper towel toga to shreds in a fit of inspiration. It seems like it takes him close to two hours to rip his toga off his body as we at home sit and wait patiently for his pipe-cleaner arms to get the job done. Meanwhile, Jarreau is in the audience, whistling and hooting for Alex. I may have jumped the gun on the whole "Jarreau is straight" theory because right now the boy looks as happy as Nathan Lane in a Greek bathhouse. So Alex is standing up on a crowded stage in his underwear while his peers look on. I have just described every sheet-soaking nightmare that I've ever had. Alex ends up winning the contest, a $200 cash prize. Alex thinks he's won the cash until George tells him that the fraternity gets the cash and Alex gets nothing. Alex grumbles, "Pledging is a bitch." Yep. And so is Nicole Kidman, pal.
, we see Alex on the phone with Lindsey as he discusses their relationship for the 3,652nd time. All the guys are mimicking Alex's phone conversations with Lindsey, adding a running commentary on the pattern each phone call takes. They illustrate how all the calls start out sweet, but quickly turn into arguments. Then it's a marathon session of Alex and Lindsey each trying to force the other to admit his or her love first; each pledge makes kissy-kissy noises into his imaginary phone. Earl says this is how every single call eventually goes. By this point, Alex is arguing with Lindsey over the phone and pleading with her to not fight the day before their anniversary. This guy wouldn't know what to do with his balls if he ever got any. Just tell the wench to get in the kitchen and bake you a pie and then hang up, dude. Problem solved.
Meanwhile, Tim and Steve are in the SUV, both on their cell phones, trying to track down a live chicken for a pet, because apparently that's allowed by the government of the city of Buffalo. Steve wants to paint the chicken gold, which causes MTV to post the disclaimer "It is inhumane to paint a chicken." Hell, it's inhumane to force my ass to watch this garbage each week, but I don't see any disclaimers announcing that. The two guys climb a fence and sneak into a farm as another disclaimer pops up, reminding the viewers at home, "Stealing a chicken is a misdemeanor with a maximum penalty of six months in jail, a $2,500 fine and probation." So you can have one as a house pet, no problem. Just don't steal it. Gotcha. Steve and Tim entertain the option of stealing a cow, as we're reminded, "Stealing a cow is a felony, punishable by 45 months of jail time, a $150,000 fine and three years probation." As it turns out, the farmer was awake and playing GWAR records backwards to try to conjure up Satan, so the boys hauled ass. We're then enlightened by the fact that trespassing on a farm is a $1,000 fine with possible probation. Steve admits that he's upset they didn't get a chicken because he was looking forward to having a chicken run through the frat house. At that moment, Brad pops up out of the back seat. He says he may not have a chicken or hen for the guys, but that he has managed to track down a huge cock for them. They decline his offer, and all three have a laugh over Brad's loony antics until Brad says, "No, seriously. I have a nice cock." There's a moment of silence and then more uproarious laughter from Tim and Steve.
At the student center, Alex is bringing Lindsey to Study Hours or whatever the hell it's called. "Forced Interaction Hours With Scummy Frat Boys." Whatever. Jarreau says in a voice-over that it's impossible to have a girlfriend while pledging. Which is exactly the reason he doesn't have a current girlfriend -- because of that darned pledging! Boy, if only he weren't pledging, he'd be...he'd be swimming in the poontang by now! Yep! Because he's straight and manly! You betcha! Alex casually mentions to Lindsey that he got his ass chewed out by the brothers for having Lindsey hover around the table with him for an extended period of time when he's clearly supposed to be kissing Frat Brother ass. Lindsey gets upset and asks Alex what's more important -- her or this stupid fraternity. This makes Alex question his priorities, and even though he doesn't answer her question directly, he tells Lindsey that he won't be seeing her that evening because it's line-up night. Lindsey gets all snippy and leaps from the table. "Will you be in your room tonight?" Alex asks. "I don't know," Lindsey snots as she stomps off. This frustrates Alex, and he tries to tell the guys that he's going through a lot of shit right now. Earl suggests that maybe Alex and Lindsey should get walkie-talkies so they could keep in touch constantly. Ha ha, Earl. How about you and your mama get walkie-talkies so you can ask her how to make toast? Alex is taking it all in stride, which means he's finally bonding with his pledge brothers and seriously giving homosexuality a second thought.
Earl, Tim, and Steve decide that it would be a really cool frat-guy thing to do if they broke into the local zoo and stole an animal to be their pet. On the grand list of smart things to do, this ranks right up there with inviting Michael Moore to a White House dinner. Tim decides that he wants a monkey or a seal. I guess it's simply not enough to have Dan visit the house and throw his own feces around the living room. Now they have to get an actual primate to join in the fun. In yet another public service announcement, MTV reminds us that stealing animals from the zoo is a Class B felony as well as a grand larceny, which will land you twenty-five years in prison. For good measure, the network adds, "As well as being just plain stupid." For whatever reason (I'm guessing the drugs started wearing off), the guys realize this is a stupid idea after all and climb back over the zoo walls and flee like the bulbous vaginas that they are.
Feel honored, folks: we're treated to a fancy dinner with Lindsey and Alex as they celebrate their first anniversary. And they said it wouldn't last. Alex is convinced that if everything goes smoothly tonight, Lindsey will finally accept his pledging the fraternity and quit nagging him about it. Everything's going smoothly until they sit down, and Alex starts waxing poetic over George the Pledgemaster like a thirteen-year-old girl gushing over Lance Bass. Lindsey stares at Alex with a smile. It looks like the same smile I flash my wife when she starts telling me about her day at work while I'm mentally banging that new intern at the office. Alex says that he made sure to ask permission to go out on this date from George, and George -- along with as several other brothers -- said it was perfectly okay. Alex is tickled shitless that his Nazi frat brothers allowed him and Lindsey this opportunity by to help mend their relationship woes. Alex feeds Lindsey some shrimp by hand, and then, for some stupid reason, he takes a photo of her like he's Federico Fellini or something. It's actually kind of creepy on a level similar to describing your sexual fantasies to your mom.
Back at the Fraternity House, Brad is throwing a major hissyfit as he says he cannot believe Alex took his goddamned girlfriend out on a date while he's pledging. He reminds everyone who will listen to him that pledging is not supposed to be a goddamned carnival. He wants to spank some hot young male ass and he wants to spank it now, goddammit! Brad says that none of the pledges is leaving the house until Alex gets there. He reminds everyone again that he's pissed, and that this whole Alex-going-out-with-a-woman thing is ridiculous. Brad, babe. Listen to your Uncle Bob. Do you see that shiny gold round thing in front of you? That's a doorknob, Brad. Turn it slowly and then push the door open with all your might and come out of the goddamned closet already. The blue kerchief tied neatly around your neck is a great start in declaring your newfound sexuality to your brothers. Just come screaming out of that closet, start wildly spanking strapping young asses, and loosen the fuck up. Outside, George is approached by Mike who wants to know what Alex's deal may be. George explains that he just got in touch with Alex and told him to get his ass home because none of his pledge brothers can leave until he gets there. Brad's standing in the doorway, and he's just fit to be tied. Tied, blindfolded, and gagged, that is. George tells the camera that it's now 12:10 AM: Alex's anniversary was over ten minutes ago, and he's late for his midnight spanking. All of the pledge brothers are supposed to do everything together, even though we've already seen only three sneaking in to the zoo, only one entering the Toga Contest, and countless more examples of this blatant discrepancy in pledge rules. George says there's a lot of pissed-off people at the house right now, which means Brad's having a sexually frustrated meltdown. You know, I have yet to see Brad in a good mood since this show began. That said, even if I was pounded on the head with a cinder block until it jarred my brain stem loose, I still would never ever pledge a fraternity that had Brad as a member.
Paul calls Alex on his cell phone. Alex is livid that he's celebrating his anniversary with a girl with whom he never should have lasted a week, let alone a freakin' year, and these guys are constantly calling him to come get his ass paddled. Paul tells them that no ass paddling will take place until Alex gets there. Alex says that's horseshit. I am rooting my ass off for Alex to tell them to shove his pledge up their asses and then go back to enjoying his hummer from Lindsey. George tells the pledges that Alex now has two strikes against him. Tim asks what would happen if Tim went to get Alex and brought him back to the house. Would Alex then have that strike removed? In an amazing turn of events, George decides that yes, he would remove that strike from Alex's record. Canned applause rises to a crescendo as Tim jumps in the SUV and speeds off into the night to retrieve their fallen comrade. Seriously, why would anyone with an ounce of common sense go through all this shit just so they could hang out with some obnoxious assholes with severe sexuality issues?
Anyway, Alex is picked up by Tim and Alex is hot! And I don't mean good-looking, I mean pissed! He's ferociously railing against the fraternity. All he wanted was his anniversary night to go smoothly so that Lindsey would accept his pledging. But now she hates the fraternity more than ever because Alex apparently got his anniversary nut before she got hers. I can't say I blame her. Granted, relationships in college are a dime a dozen, but it's kind of gratifying when your significant other pays more attention to you than a slovenly bunch of miscreants. Am I digressing? I think I am. So anyhoo, Alex tells Tim that despite what George says, there was no miscommunication about this evening. He was given permission to go out on the date, and that, my dork-ass friend, is that. He reminds Tim that he left his girlfriend in a leather teddy and a Catwoman mask to come back to this frat house to have Brad sneer and spank his ass for several hours while he rubbed himself in naughty places. Tim and Alex get to the house, and all the pledges let Alex know that he's gained their respect for doing this. Another aside, but what is it with young men and "respect" these days? In my day, you didn't really give two shits whether anyone respected you. If someone "dissed" you, you shrugged your shoulders, took another hit off the bong, and cranked up Van Halen II to get back into the groove. Alex sheepishly admits that, had he been in the other pledges' shoes, he would have wanted himself to quit mackin' on his psycho girlfriend and get his ass to the house.
It's time for the hazing (wheee! Finally!) and MTV is not allowed to go inside and watch because there's some sort of FCC policy against showing college guys having hard-boiled eggs inserted into their rectums. Afterward, George and Alex go outside and George reiterates that Alex really gained everyone's respect tonight by ditching his girlfriend for a bunch of assholes. Alex is all, "Well, gee golly gosh...it was for the good of the fraternity and shit," and neither one of them will engage in eye contact with the other. It's kind of amusing because they're all, "Should we hug now?" but neither wants to make the first move. If they do hug, we don't see it, because we're immediately shuffled to...
...lots of dead-animal shots. Dead animals mounted on walls, dead animals nailed to front doors, dead animals floating in children's pools. Hey, welcome to Buffalo! Keeping with the dog theme, Tim brings a dog in the house that he says he found tied to someone's front porch, and Earl freaks. Earl acts as if the dog is covered in nuclear waste and says he wants the dog out of the house this instant. Earl says he'll kill the dog with his bare hands if Tim doesn't take him out. He's convinced that the dog will piss and shit all over everything in the house. Finally, Tim starts giggling and tells Earl that it's his own dog from home that Earl had just seen and petted the week before. Earl grins and says he knew it all along when it's so obvious that he didn't. Maybe it's the mescaline kicking in, but Earl had no clue.
Steve and Tim go to the pet store on their neverending quest to secure a house pet. These guys are dead serious about having something other than humans in the house. You would think that having Dan hanging around would be enough to satisfy their need for non-human companionship, but apparently not. Anyway, they decide on some fish and a few turtles. They name the turtles Eppie and Fresh, which Steve explains why, but my closed captioning kept saying it was because "Fresh" means xiaple truock flet ginging. Alex and Jarreau are in the back seat of the SUV with Alex bitching about everything under the sun. We find out that since Alex was yanked from Lindsey's bed in the middle of the night, Lindsey is back to thinking that the fraternity sucks shit. Once again, we're magically transported to another location through the miracle of editing. Lindsey and Alex hook up on campus, and Lindsey says she has something to tell Alex. Alex tells her to spill the beans. Lindsey was hoping she could do this away from the cameras. Alex tells her that the cameras aren't going away anytime soon, and that if they were, he would ditch this fraternity shit in a heartbeat since the only reason he's pledging is for the television exposure so that maybe someday he'll be considered for a role in a really cool boy band. Lindsey acts all, "Gah! You don't love me!" and Alex is all, "Whatever." We then see shots of Niagara Falls as this relationship begins to "fall" by the wayside...get it?
Later, Alex is on the phone to Lindsey, telling her that if she's going to keep fighting with him throughout pledging, then maybe it's time they took a cue from Steve Perry, Journey, and their power ballad "Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)." Then Alex starts belting out the lyrics: "Someday love will find you, break those chains that bind you, one night will remind you, how we touched and went our separate ways." He's pumping his fists in the air as he hits the high notes, and I've got to admit, the whole thing brought a tear to my eye.
All right, fine. That didn't happen. Alex throws the phone on the table in frustration and announces that he has taken enough shit from the fraternity brothers and all that shit has toughened him up so much that now he's a much stronger man who won't take any more of Lindsey's crap. He calls Lindsey back and says that he's letting go of their relationship. The relationship officially lasted a year and a day. Alex insists that this is a healthy break for both of them, and now he's decided to attach himself to the people who will be there for him, by which he means his fraternity brothers. He punctuates this revelation with a few bars from the theme song to Friends, but it's not nearly as exciting as the Journey tribute in my head. Alex says that he's learned a lot from Lindsey, but most important, he's learned that in a relationship, he still has to care for himself as well as the other person in order to make it worthwhile. He then hangs up, closing the door on a bizarre chapter of his already hellish young life. He walks into the hallway, announces that he's going to jerk off, and proceeds to do it in front of the other pledges.
All right, that didn't happen either. But this show is getting so damned boring I have to liven it up somehow for my own sordid amusement.
week: the boys get into some wacky hijinks as the girls from MTV's Sorority Life engage them in a war of trashing each other's houses. Stock up on the No-Doz for this one, my friend.