Watching the show this week, I was hellbent on trying to recall a television show with more despicable characters than the pledges and brothers of Fraternity Life. Naturally, the only show that kept popping into my head was Little House on the Prairie. But even that show had that Nellie Oleson chick as the one redeeming character in a sea of repugnant cockroaches masquerading as actors.
Anyway, we see a quick recap of the night when the girls fromSorority Lifebroke into the pledge house through a window and trashed the house, "all in good fun." Kinda like shutting off Christopher Reeve's oxygen tank "to get a rise out of him." Dan -- who apparently doesn't live in the house, but still sleeps there (huh?) -- catches the girls in the act and does his best Michael Myers impression, walking slowly toward them with his head cocked and a blanket draped over his shoulders. The girls slowly exit through the window, since none of them wants Dan actually touching them because he's a genuinely creepy dude. He starts yelling for Paul after the girls are long gone, and Paul comes downstairs, flexing his pecs for all the gals on the TWoP boards. , the newly single Alex comes down, wanting to kick some sorority-girl ass. And you guys thought Earl had anger-management problems. Alex is climbing out the window after the girls until someone points out that they're gone. Alex assures his brothers that if they were still there, he would have beaten every one of their respective asses because he's now pro-frat 110%. So we've now witnessed Alex's transformation from a whipped little bitch baby into a lean, mean, beating-up-girls machine, courtesy of his recent breakup with Lindsey. As Eddie Murphy so eloquently put it in 48 Hours, "Lack of pussy make you brave, man!" In a voice-over, Jimmy says that pranks between fraternities and sororities go back a long way -- even before most of these guys were in college! He says they're usually harmless, as we see footage of the horrendous damage that has been done to the guys' pledge house, including the girls' having written DZO on the windows in removable white shoe polish! Ack! The horror...THE HORROR! Paul calls them "sneaky bitches," which I'm sure the parents of these gals really appreciated while watching at home. Alex says they have to get them back, and Paul says, "We're not giving them X," which is short for ecstasty, the drug that makes you all happy and horny. I know this because I watch TRL when I get the chance. Alex grins and says, "We'll steal their virginity!" Sorry Al, I think you're about ten years too late to do that to most of these skanks. Alex voice-overs, "This is the beginning of...I don't know what." Hey, the guy never said eloquence was his strong point.
We get the requisite shots of Buffalo, including a bunch of ants swarming on a half-eaten sandwich. Remind me to check during the credits of the show to see if John Waters and David Lynch have been reduced to directing this horseshit. In the student union, George walks up to the pledges and asks them to gaze at a banner hanging high above the students. It's a DZO banner with all the pledges' names on it, and some bullshit about how much the big sisters love these girls or some shit. Hey, I love surfing for midget porn after my wife goes to bed, but you don't see my ass hanging a banner up around town proclaiming it. George tells the pledges to steal it. The girls broke into their house and ransacked it and put shoe polish on a window, and by God, now it's their turn to get even by stealing the banner. Hey George, way to instill honor and trust into these gullible little shit sacks -- turn them into petty thieves. Anybody out there still having trouble understanding why I hate this show yet? If so, let's just nail it down to the massive amounts of hypocrisy being tossed about like feces in a gorilla's cage. George tells them to steal the banner and then "trade it" for a t-shirt that the entire DZO pledge class has signed. But on the back of the shirt, it has to say "I am a moron for letting Sigma Chi Omega steal my banner." Oh, the hilarity! Why, I'm clutching my sides in fear that they will burst from my peals of laughter! Then again, if I were to spontaneously combust, I have a pretty good feeling that would be a decent enough excuse to never have to recap this lame-assed caca again. George informs the boys that he wants to see the t-shirt at line-up at midnight, and then walks away. I've decided that George is the pledgemaster with the heart of gold and the penis of wilted cotton. The limp-dicked Nazi bastard.
So the boys are left to try to come up with a way to steal the banner. Tim decides that it would be "money" if they stole it right then, rather than waiting until everyone was gone. Man! That would be so cool! Gosh, Tim, you're a regular James Bond! Golly Tim, can I gently nibble your balls because I'm in total awe of you and your amazing sneaky abilities? No?! That's cool, I'll just admire you from afar, you fucking diseased wharf rat. Alex doesn't think stealing the banner this early is the smart thing to do because they really need that t-shirt signed. But Tim's up on the ledge, ripping the banner from its perch and stuffing it in his jacket. Meanwhile, the emacipated chicks from DZO are waving and flirting with the guys from the other side of the student center. The guys approach their table and ask to get the t-shirt signed. Nicole -- who looks like a poodle that has undergone one too many shock therapies -- gets way too much camera time as my corneas are singed from the eight seconds she spends on my screen. Talia -- the bleached-blonde bimbo president of the sorority with the most decent boob job of the bunch -- is trying to explain to the girls that their banner was just stolen by the pledges of Sigma Chi O, but remember: we're dealing with sorority girls here. The only thing they're capable of understanding without hefty doses of explanation following the statement is the expression "Suck it, whore."
The pledges approach the girls and foolishly agree to let Alex do all the talking. Alex pulls some explanation out of his neatly trimmed ass to the effect that since the girls ransacked their house, they all need to sign this t-shirt "in good faith." I'm as amazed as Alex is when the girls don't all whip out their Sharpies and autograph the thing. Talia tries to enunciate, but all efforts are unsuccessful, so she just tells them in that whiny nasal voice of hers that the guys will have to produce the banner before the girls sign any t-shirt. Tim says, "Fuck it then," and the guys walk away. The girls feel superior because they didn't sign a t-shirt. Then again, they also don't have their banner. And that banner is a symbol of the love they share for one another. And without that banner, there could be mutiny in the DZO house! Gosh, is there really a micron of drama here or have I been studying the definition of "hyperbole" a little too intently lately?
Back at the pledge house, Tim has come up with a brilliant plan that would have Einstein giving him a standing ovation. He's decided to come up with a decoy banner to swap out for the signed t-shirt. The decoy banner looks exactly like the real banner. You know...when it's all folded up into a neat little bundle. He's just going to give it to them, and they'll give him the t-shirt; America wins and Jesus saves. Alex, Tim, and Steven show up at the DZO pledge house, and Alex tells Tim that Tim needs to do all the talking because he has it all planned out in his head. Plus, we already saw what happened when Alex tried to negotiate the t-shirt deal. The boy's lucky he didn't chomp his tongue off while trying to spit the shit out of his mouth as quickly as possible. We're reminded that there's fifty-six minutes until line-up, when the signed t-shirt has to be presented to the brothers of the fraternity. Janel -- the stucky-uppiest bitch from DZO -- answers the door saying, "May I help you?" You see Alex's face like he smells something foul, but it couldn't possibly be Janel because as she'll be so quick to point out, her shit doesn't stink. Tim asks if they're interupting a meeting, and she says they're interupting an "event." They're painting bricks, fer chrissakes. Bricks. Bricks, I'm telling you. Tim explains the story thus far to Janel and asks to get the t-shirt now in exchange for a fake banner. Janel goes to get backup and locks the door. Tim notices that the bricks they're painting are the pledges' bricks ,and Alex starts pouting as he asks why they never get to paint any bricks. It's elementary, my dear Alex: your fraternity doesn't paint bricks...it baits pricks. Baits them into thinking that someday they'll amount to something for joining their little gang o' thugs with bad haircuts and excessive ass acne.
Janel comes back to the door and tells the guys how it's going to be. First, two of the guys have to come in the house; Tim cuts her off saying that this isn't a hostage situation. Alex says that if they get two guys, then the guys get two girls. Maybe it's the editing, but this is making about as much sense to me as the heaps of praise being lauded on Chicago. I just don't fucking get it. Janel tells Tim to not cop an attitude with her because she is a sister of the sorority. I swear I'm not advocating violence against women here, but I was really hoping to see Alex live up to his promise and pop this snooty bitch in the tit a couple of times. In Tim's voice-over, he says that apparently he "disrespected" a sister, which is one of the seven deadly sins. Some people are probably sitting at home watching this, thinking that these people are only acting this way because there are cameras present. And they're probably right. If the cameras weren't there, they'd be acting a helluva lot worse. We get to see Janel's tirade fast-forwarded and silent so that we can skip all her petty bullshit. This chick has more attitude than a pit bull with jock itch. She's snottier than a dumpster full of used Kleenex. Don't get me wrong. I'd bang her if I were twenty years younger. But I bet it'd be about as pleasant as picking herpes scabs off my genitals and I'd be sure to complain like a sorority girl afterwards and steal whatever she had lying around while she slept and then bolt in the middle of the night. Janel tells the guys that they have to write a letter of apology to the sisters and have the president of the sorority sign it or hear it or some shit. This wacky bitch is talking way too fast for me and swinging her head around like Queen Latifah on a coke binge. She reminds the guys that they're still copping an attitude with her like she's the only one that can have an attitude on this show because, by God, she's a sista! I've got to say, giving this skanky slut five seconds of air time on the show makes these frat guys seem like angels. The guys start frantically writing the letter on the girls' front porch as Janel gets a highly unflattering camera shot from below as she sneers at them like an evil bitch. Seriously. This douchebag makes Brad look almost human. And that's saying something, coming from me.
Steven stupidly gives the t-shirt to Janel and asks to have the process sped up by having the girls sign it while the guys compose this award-winning apology letter. Janel takes the t-shirt and locks the door. Meanwhile, two of the guys speed off across town, taking the letter to the sisters' house to get them to read it. They get there, and the girls have decided that they want to call all of the pledges over to their house so the exchange can be made while they watch. Y'know, it's not like this is the Treaty of Versailles or anything. They're swapping out a fake banner for a signed t-shirt so they don't have to do 17,000 push-ups at the line-up. Have a heart, you soulless whores. Tim says that these gals have a lot of rules, and that they switch the rules whenever it will benefit them. That's the most intelligence Tim has shown this entire episode. The guys get into their SUV, and Alex notices that all the girls have filed out of the house and into their various vehicles, and are trying to block the guys in so that they can't go anywhere. Luckily, Tim "Steve McQueen" is driving, and he hauls ass before the girls can successfully snare the guys. Mwahahaha! Foiled again, you cursed whores!
Of course, a monkey wrench is thrown into the situation when Sarah -- the pledge who most resembles a sea cow -- suffers an asthma attack. Naturally, the girls misdiagnose the attack as yet another instance of Sarah accidentally inhaling too many powdered donuts at once, until Nicole (she of the freaky poodle 'do) calls 911 and an ambulance comes and whisks Sarah away. Well, I use the term "whisk" lightly. They first have to call a forklift to get her on a reinforced steel stretcher and then call the National Guard to help get her in the ambulance. And they have to call a second ambulance in order to lug portions of her ass to the hospital. When the Sigma Chi pledges are informed of the National Guards' misfortune, Jarreau can't believe it. I'm beginning to warm up to Jarreau. I believe the boy might just have a snarky bone in his body. Of course, that bone is in his ass and is being driven home by yours truly. But I'm beginning to take a shine to the snippy little sailor boy.
At line-up, the boys are forced to admit that they only have the banner and not the t-shirt. George says, "So, you fucked up?" and Alex says they have. Ohmigod. There's no telling what repercussion this will bring! Extra quasi-homoerotic spankings all around, I'm sure!
We're reminded by MTV's Prank War Scoreboard™ that the girls have the t-shirt while the guys have the banner. That's for those of you who can't muster the brainpower to follow this clusterfuck of a television show.
Back at line-up, George is grilling Alex as to why they don't have the t-shirt. Alex takes a long gulp like he's hyperventilating and basically says that they were outwitted by a bunch of snooty sorority whores who will eventually grow up to be mindless drones in their local Junior Leagues, married to men who are having affairs with prostitutes during the day and ignoring their wives' sexual needs at night. Or something like that. George asks if the guys think they can have the t-shirt by the following night's line-up, and Alex is confident that they can meet that deadline. Cameras are shut off and the gurney of inanimate objects that will be shoved up their asses this evening is wheeled out. Tonight, a Timex wristwatch, a compass, and the second Traveling Wilburys album are among the items waiting to be inserted into anxious rectums.
Back at the student center, the guys approach the DZO pledge table and say they have to come to a compromise to get this t-shirt. The girls say that if they come over and clean the sisters' house, then they can get the t-shirt. The guys agree to it and go to report their good fortunes to Brad, who apparently has two shirts and is growing quite fond of the skullcap that he wears everywhere because he is under the impression that guys dig it. Brad says that if the pledges want to pledge a sorority house, then they should go for it. Brad's having an awful lot of fun insinuating that the pledges are gay. I'm guessing that he's finally just verbally expressing his sexual fantasies, unaware that a camera is trained on him while he does so. Brad tells the camera that it's almost like the guys are Cinderella asking for permission to go to the ball, and that if they want to pledge a sorority, then maybe that's where they should be. This prompts me to put down my pad of paper on the endtable to me, remove my bifocals and gently rest those on the pad of paper, rise to my feet, and scream, "What the fuck are you talking about, you infected pus bubble?!" Apparently, this is what passes for "humor" in Brad's world, just like the words "infected pus bubble" crack my shit up. Brad suggests that the guys give all the girls pedicures afterwards. George is wondering why they want to do this, since they're not exactly maids. He finds it "girlish." You know. kinda like anticipating the midnight hour so you can spank the naked flesh of teenage boys, all in the name of "brotherhood."
Over at the DZO Sorority House, the guys are greeted with what can only be referred to as a palace of filth. It's the kind of place that would make the Manson family queasy. There's trash everywhere, dirty dishes piled in the sink, and dried shit rings all around the toilet. Tim and Steven get the bright idea to start stealing as much shit from the house as possible since they're not being supervised. So they're stealing dirty panties, toothbrushes, paddles, double-headed dildos...whatever they can find, while Alex and Paul actually work around the house. The guys are putting the booty in garbage bags and taking it out to their SUV while the girls sit on the couch and talk about how they're going to marry a nice fraternity boy someday that will send them flowers every week and ply them with bonbons. Meanwhile, Tim is putting pepperoni in the girls' bed sheets because "it's funny." I'm sorry kids, but in my day, a prank wasn't considered a prank unless someone walked away with a spinal cord injury. Tim says they have so much of the girls' stuff that they didn't know what to do with it all. He said they had tons of the girls' nasty dirty panties, and it should really help the girls get dates now that this fact has been broadcast from coast to coast and around the globe. Think about it: if MTV broadcast the fact that you shit your pants on a regular basis, do you really think that would help your social life any? I mean, sure, a certain number of scat pervs may be hanging around your door for a few years, but other than that, you can kiss those dreams of having a normal sex life goodbye, my friend! The guys leave with the signed t-shirt, the real banner, and a truckload of the girls' personal items. Meanwhile, the girls have discovered that the guys have been up to no good and are screaming, "Those fuckers!" at the tops of their silicone-enhanced lungs.
Back at the pledge house, the guys are bagging everything up and catch a poo stain on one pair of the girls' panties. Folks, I may be disgusting, but these kids take the cake. Tim tells the camera that he would never date a DZO chick because their underwear is huge and nasty. Yet, he's the only one dating a DZO chick: Nicole Shockpoodlehair. Maybe he thinks she's really a guy or something. Maybe she really is a guy. I dunno. Tim calls Earl to come down from upstairs, and Earl looks like he just woke up, as usual. He's scratching his balls and staring around the room, since it takes him twelve hours to wake up.
DZO come over to the guys' pledge house with intentions of trashing it. Boy howdy, do they ever trash it! They're spraying shaving cream everywhere! Ha! That'll teach those awful boys! Chocolate syrup on the counters! How will they ever get that up?! The girls show absolutely no mercy as they spray shaving-cream smiley faces on the guys' sheets! When will this madness ever end?! Finally, after covering the house with about 2,000 shaving cream signatures of "DZO," the girls sneak off into the night, screaming "DZO!" like it's the battle scene from Braveheart or something. The guys come home and are understandably pissed that their home is covered in shaving cream smiling faces. Earl says that the girls are total bitches, and that the bitches are going to pay for this. Then we hear him screaming from the kitchen as he finds out that the bitches stole all their drinks. He says that something bad's going to happen to these girls because he wants revenge. Oh man...revenge?! Does this mean we might possibly see the guys sneak into their house and (gulp!) tie all their shoelaces together in their closet or something?! I sure hope it doesn't come to that, for the sake of humanity.
It doesn't take long for the guys to realize that the signed t-shirt is missing. Paul says the guys shouldn't worry; he gave the shirt to Steve. Or, as he's known throughout the rest of America who are stupid enough to watch this crap, "Unreliable, Ignorant Steve." They go to ask Steve where the shirt is, and he says he doesn't know where it's at, but that it's somewhere in the house. Steve's too busy looking up internet porn to really give a shit where the t-shirt is. Alex is upset and says that the fact that the girls stole the t-shirt back means that they've won. Tim corrects him to say in his best George W. Bush impersonation that the war has just started.
Over at the frat house, a meeting is going on when George interupts to say he just received a text message from Alex to inform them that the pledge house has been trashed by the DZO girls. The look of seriousness on his face would suggest that the house has been burned to the ground, when in fact it's just covered in shaving-cream smiley faces. Brad is concerned with the media representation of the fraternity, since they're going back and forth with their little pranks with the chicks on television. Brad wants to know if they're all little girls there. And if so, would the little girls mind showing him their sweet, sweet, little-girl asses? He says that the pranks need to stop; they need to just clean up their house and "eat it," by which I guess he means his withered penis. In the scene, the brothers are sneaking over to the sisters' house to trash it. Four of the boys go and egg the house, throwing flour all over their porch and dumping a garbage bag full of leaves in front of their door! I gasp in horror at each prank pulled. These are exactly the reasons that this country is at war right now! A total lack of respect for each other's properties and the utter disrespect of each other's Greek heritage! Not to mention the need to fill up valuable air time on MTV. One of these pompous dicks is trying to get the ugliest sister of the sorority to flash her boobies at them. Yeah pal, throw neatly raked piles of leaves on their porch and THEN ask them to show the goods. I've seen roadkill with more common sense than this guy. The brothers have instructed their pledges to sign the apology letter to the DZO sisters, return all of their stolen goods, and clean up their house. So the guys craft an apology letter and read over it. Alex is telling Earl that he knows Earl's pissed about what the girls did to the house, but that it all has to stop because as they both know, girls always want to play games and they always want to win. Earl says, "You know all about that, don't you?" and Alex retorts, "Yeah, don't I? Fuck you!" You've gotta love Alex. For no other reason than the fact that he hasn't brought up that braindrain Lindsey for thirty whole minutes.
Tim and Steve go back to the sorority house and deliver their stuff, including their panties (or "beach towels" as Tim puts it). Tim reads the letter to two of the skanks on their front steps while Steve coughs, "Bullshit!" Steve says that his saying "bullshit" under his breath put the point across that the apology was not sincere. Brilliant deduction, Sherlock.
Back at line-up, George is once again grilling the guys about the shirt. Paul says they don't have the shirt, because it was stolen by the girls during the now-infamous ransacking of the pledge house. George isn't too overly thrilled with this until Tim speaks up and says that he and Steve found the shirt and in fact, Tim is wearing the shirt under his Greek sweatshirt. Alex and Paul burst into grins as Tim tells the camera that they got the banner, they got the t-shirt, and they got their nasty-assed panties. As the dramatic music swells, Alex tells the camera that DZO sucks, Sigma Chi Omega rules, and HDTV is highly overrated.
week, we find out that Earl is a virgin. Well, at least he was until he hooked up with a stripper who tried to suck his Adam's apple through his neck. So apparently Earl isn't really an asshole, he's just a walking ball of sexual tension. Now I can finally sleep at night.
I cannot begin to tell you how thoroughly unlikable these people are. Paul doesn't seem to be a bad guy. Jarreau is squirming off my hook as of late. Alex is at least tolerable now. Tim's a dick, Steve's a smarmy moron, Earl's a powderkeg of emotion, and Dan's a drugged-out loser. And yet, I'd call these guys my best friends compared to the girls of Sorority Life. I used to envy Stee for getting to watch a show full of hot young college girls. But not anymore. You can have 'em, dude.