Previously on Fraternity Life, the pledges saw their pledge house for the first time, and jeans were creamed. Alex didn't know whether to be scared of George. Let's see...he's scared of his girlfriend, but not scared of this miniature drill sergeant. I peer closely at the screen to see if I can detect any fresh lobotomy scars on Alex's forehead. None. So I guess that logically there's no explanation for the boy's blatant ignorance.
We get the obligatory scenes of Buffalo, including a homeless guy eating cat food with his fingers. Hey, "Welcome to Buffalo" indeed! Paul's waking up Earl and telling him that Jarreau has finished in the shower and now it's Earl's turn. Earl's all bitchy first thing in the morning, which Paul confirms, saying that Earl gets angry easily. Which serves as foreshadowing for the episode at hand, so thanks for the heads-up, there, Paulie. Earl admits that he's had the toughest time of everyone in adjusting to his new surroundings, because he's not used to living with people his own age and he's always had his Mommy there to wipe his ass when he had a stinky, and it's just taking time and a concerted amount of effort to get used to wiping his own poop hole. Jarreau struts out of the bathroom and gives Earl one of those cockeyed grins that says "I left a lil' somethin' somethin' for you on the soap there, Big Guy!" This is the first shot we've had of Jarreau's naked chest. The boy's covered in tattoos. He looks like Ozzy's mentally disturbed son. In a voice-over, Jarreau says that Earl doesn't like being bossed around and he just needs to learn to suck it up. My God, does everything have to be a sly sexual innuendo with Jarreau?
Downstairs, everyone's getting ready to go to classes. Earl asks Paul where the heck is Steve. Paul says that Steve's still asleep upstairs. Paul thinks he may have mono. This causes Jarreau to roll his eyes and cover his mouth with his fingertips while quietly giggling to himself like a mischievous little schoolgirl. Tim says in his voice-over that he clicks well with Steve. We then see Tim ripping Steve's bedspread off him while he tries to sleep, exhibiting Tim's idea of "clicking well". Steve is desperately trying to keep the bedspread wrapped tightly around his body because he apparently doesn't want to show off his shiny honker this early in the season.
Earl's pissed and says it's rude of Steve to hold everyone up, as they all pile into the car. Earl honks the horn to get Steve moving. Steve comes out of the house, slooooowly walking to the car. This lollygagging infuriates Earl. In a voice-over, Steve admits that he likes doing stuff like that because it gets a rise out of people. Earl asks Steve what his fucking problem is and starts bitching him out. Steve tells Earl to shut the fuck up and to never fucking yell at him again. I can't help but think that if The Waltons had been presented with gritty reality like this, it might still be on the air today.
More shots of Buffalo. We see a spider onscreen for no apparent reason, and I'm having flashbacks to The Ring as I hide behind my recliner and pray that the phone doesn't start ringing. The pledges are all at the fraternity house, where they're lined up against a wall and told to stare straight ahead into some interrogating spotlights. They're all assigned numbers from one through seven. Whenever they're in their daily line-up, this is how they will be addressed. George says that they assign pledges numbers instead of names for a reason -- so that the brothers can say, "Hey! We didn't get that big fat fraternity dues check from #3's parents -- what's up with that?" without having to go to the trouble of actually memorizing the guys' names. Mike says that the reason behind the line-up is so that the brothers can make sure that the pledges are doing what they should be doing. Which is worshipping the ground these ingrown anal hairs walk on. Seriously, Mikey Babe, put the bong down. You're embarrassing yourself on national TV. George is telling them all to stare straight ahead. Naturally, Earl's confused, so he's staring at the ceiling. I wonder if they could give his Mommy the number of four and a half, so that she could stand behind him and explain to him what "stare straight ahead" means. I'm sure that's what's running through Earl's head as well. George reminds the boys that, so far, pledging has been a joke and a vacation. Granted, it's been like a vacation in Trenton which is technically more of a joke, but that's beside the point. Now Earl's staring at the floor. What is it with this human dildo? Is he that stoned? George informs the guys that from now, on there will be no visitors in the house. Steve gives George a "What the fuck?" look. In a voice-over, Earl says that "pledge" is just another name for "being somebody's bitch." So why would you want to stick around, then, Earl? Oh yeah...because you're all a bunch of human menstrual cramps who don't think that they could actually make decent friends on their own and that by forcing their parents to fork over massive amounts of money for dues, that they've earned "friends for (snort) life." Gotcha, pal. I've seen the proverbial light, dude.
While in line-up, Earl's wearing an airbrushed "I'm With Stupid" t-shirt. George asks if Earl thinks that the guy to him is stupid. Earl says, "Sir, no sir, sir." George drills him on the shirt -- did he wear it on purpose? "Sir, no sir, sir." How long has he had it? "Sir, since Spring Break 2000, sir." What type of material is this made of, it feels simply fabulous! "Sir, a unique blend of nylon and cotton which allows my nipples to breathe, sir." Earl says that the line-up isn't going so well, and that a lot of the brothers are starting to get pissed with the pledges. No joke -- Earl looks stoned out of his gourd. Brad asks Earl whether he happens to remember the big house party that took place during Rush Week, when Earl left to go to a bar and hang out with women because there were "too many guys" at the rush party. Earl vaguely recalls such an event taking place. Brad, with a tear in his eye, says that now it's time to "bond with the brothers" as he abruptly backs his ass up into Earl's crotch and starts grinding it seductively against Earl. Sensing no immediate stimulation from Earl, Brad removes his ass from Earl's crotch and says that he, for one, will never forget that night. Honestly. This little dick scab said that. He is "never going to forget" when Earl dissed the brothers to go hang out with actual females. I can just imagine: seventy years from now, as Brad lies on his deathbed, he's going to stare pensively out his hospital window and whisper to nobody in particular, "I...I can't believe you wanted to hang out with girls, Earl." Then his heart monitor will slow down to a long hollow beep and he will have died a bitter, resentful turd-burgling ass monkey. George says that Earl keeps fucking up and the shit is about to change. You know, George fancies himself a big bad-ass on this show, and I'll bet you dollars to dimes that this prick wouldn't last a week in basic training. He'd be sobbing into his pillow each and every night, longing for the days when he could scare puny little eighteen-year-olds half to death with the threat of kicking them out of his exclusive he-man woman haters' club.
Back at the pledge house, Earl's bitching about not being able to have friends over to the house and asks everyone, "Does this mean that every minute of the day I have to be thinking about the fraternity?" Yo Earl. Lean in close to the monitor and read this word over and over again until it begins to make some kind of sense in that clouded mind of yours. Ready? "Duh." Earl says that he'll go crazy if he's not allowed to see anyone but his fraternity brothers for eight weeks. I get the distinct feeling that Earl would make a lousy prison bitch. If ever Tom Fontana wanted to resurrect Oz and combine it with Fraternity Life, Earl would be killed during the series premiere after Adebisi pierced his balls for kicks.
We then get a glimpse of what is called "Union Hours." From 10 AM until 2 PM each day, the brothers and the pledges meet at the student union center where they "share time" with each other. And by "share time," I mean that for four hours straight, the brothers berate the pledges for being complete jackasses who can't do anything right. Question: Could somebody remind me once again why anyone in his or her right mind would want to join a fraternity or sorority? Because I'm thinking of starting my own fraternity -- UBO -- which would stand for Uncle Bob Omega. For $2,000 per year, I'll make you feel like complete and utter shit, force you to cater to my every whim, and then talk shit about you behind your back. Any takers? Bueller? Bueller? Bueller? Anyhoo, today at Union Hours, Brian (Brian? Who the hell is Brian?) is bitching that Steve never shows up for these experiments in public humiliation, and he's wondering why. Well, guess what, Mr. Sassy Pants? Today's the day Steve has decided to show up for your rinky-dink dog and pony show. I'll just bet your face is three shades of red, huh Brian? Or Barry or whatever the hell your name is. The brothers ask Steve why he never makes it to Union Hours. Steve says that he's busy studying. Shit, dude, that's a lousy excuse. College isn't about education, it's about sucking the proverbial dick of a bunch of domineering frat boys with low self-esteem. Steve makes the unwise announcement that he's not about to start ditching his classes and jeopardizing his educational career in order to hang out with a bunch of needy fraternity guys. Damn, Steve. Even ol' Uncle Bob channeled Queen Latifah as I backed up from my television at that point, saying, "No you di'int!" while wagging my finger at the screen. Steve tells the brothers that sometimes he has to go to the bank in the mornings and the bank opens at 9. Steve's obviously grasping at straws in his excuses. I halfway expect him to say he's too busy setting up cocaine embargos from Colombia to come to their stupid little puss meetings. Brad takes the soggy pencil/phallic symbol out of his mouth long enough to ask him why doesn't he just get up earlier and get to the bank at straight up 9. Steve asks Brad what the fuck he's talking about. Brad shrieks at Steve never to talk to him like that again! The whiny little bitch jumps up from the table, screeching about Steve "disrespecting" him in an uncontrollable fashion. He bursts into tears and runs over to George, who hugs and consoles him, patting his head and saying "there, there" while glaring at Steve for making a brother cry. The little pecker snot gobbler is sobbing with tears running down his face, and yelling at Steve, "I just hate you! And I hate your ass face!"
More shots of Buffalo. There's a guy taking a leak on a storefront door. I needed the peaceful tranquility of watching a grown man urinate on someone's business after that last disturbing scene. Back at line-up, each of the pledges now has one strike against him for being late for some shit. And if you look closely enough, some of them are able to muster up some semblance of a facial expression that would almost convey the emotion "concern." George says he got a pretty dumb phone call that morning, except he starts stumbling over his words so it comes out "Prumby stup cone stumby phut pone dummy stut phall...awww, screw it. One of you assholes called me and I need the perpetrator to 'fess up." Earl says that he called him at 10:15 because he was supposed to be at Union Hours at 10. George wants to know why he was late. Earl says that he was preparing for school, which is not as good as my retort would have been: "I was busy drowning your voodoo doll in pig's blood, you scrotum-shaving fucker." The fact that Earl was preparing for school isn't good enough for George, who then gives Earl his second strike and reminds him that if he gets one more strike, he's out of the fraternity. George then asks Steve why he wasn't at Library Hours, which must be completely different from Union Hours because it happens in a completely different building. Same amount of shameless ass kissing -- just a different building. Steve says he was studying. Brad decides that he's found the perfect spot for his revenge against Steve, and calls Steve a lying assface. Amazingly, he's able to keep his composure and doesn't burst into tears, for a change. George gives him his second strike in the first week. George asks him what happens when he gets his third strike and Steve says that means he'll be gone. Christ. I would have answered, "I dunno. I guess you and Brad take a shower together and force me to watch?" Because -- and I don't know if I've impressed this fact enough on you guys -- I'd want out of there faster than duck diarrhea if I were being treated like scum by these self-righteous genital warts. George says that he doesn't have a problem getting rid of any of them, and that the way things are going, the entire pledge class will be gone in less than three weeks. Buddy, you couldn't do them a big enough favor. Naturally, I get excited when I hear George say this because maybe that means the show will end ten weeks earlier than it was supposed to and I can be assigned another show that doesn't quite suck as much slimy whale balls and would have some redeeming quality to it. Like The Surreal Life 2 or something.
All the pledges are preparing to leave the Pledge House to go somewhere, and Earl calls "driving," which irritates Paul because Earl tends to get road rage at the drop of a hat. Just the other day, he ran an elderly woman off the road and into a tree because she forgot to turn her signal off. While driving, Earl makes a request for the guys to refrain from cursing for a few seconds because he's about to call his mother on the cell phone. Earl cuts a woman off in traffic because he's obviously one of those people who cannot successfully drive and hold a phone conversation at the same time -- like 95% of all American drivers. Alex says "move, bitch" directing his request to the woman Earl almost killed, in the other car that. Tim then tells Earl that he just "fucked that shit up back there." Earl turns red, hangs up on his mom, and slams on the brakes, causing Alex's forehead to kiss the dashboard like a crash test dummy's. Earl screams that they're all "fucking rude," and Tim calls Earl a madman, telling Earl to pull the car over immediately, which Earl manages to do without maiming anyone. The word "disrespect" is thrown around like a Frisbee at a Phish concert as all the guys except Earl exit the vehicle. Earl refuses to give up the keys to the SUV because everyone's "disrespecting" him. Earl tells Tim that he hopes Tim dies, and then demands an apology from him. Tim thinks he's crazy. Hell, Charles F'n Manson thinks he's crazy. Alex tells everyone to take five. Here's something I didn't think we'd be seeing on this show: Alex acting as the voice of reason. Earl finally relents and allows Alex to drive the vehicle as everyone climbs back in.
Later, in Tim's bedroom, Alex says that pledging isn't about accepting who you aren't; it's about accepting who you are. Yo Alex, save the Dr. Seuss shit to confuse your dimwitted girlfriend and speak English for us recappers at home. Alex wonders aloud how Earl will be able to get along with thirty-three fraternity brothers when he can't even get along with six other pledges. Tim -- the one Earl wished dead -- says that Earl means well, but he's an only child and still has the mentality of a four-year-old. Tim adds that he thinks pledging may actually help Earl to mature. It's only my two cents, but a 2x4 upside his head would probably do wonders in the maturity department as well.
Oh shit. Ron the Scary Alum has shown up at the house for some quality freaking-everyone-out airtime. Apparently he was out driving around, trying to find a specialty shop that sells diapers for kids with their lungs hanging halfway out of their chests, and figured it'd be a good time to pay the pledges a scary little visit. He's heard through the grapevine that Steve's been having problems adjusting to pledge life, and that Steve has apparently been trying to bring some girls into the house. Ewww! Girls! Gross! Ron the Scary Alum takes Steve aside to talk to him about the tension in the air as well as on Steve's straining zipper. Steve says he's cool with the Pledge Life and is adjusting just fine. Ron the Scary Alum says that sometimes in life, you have to do things that you don't really want to do, and that's where fraternities come in handy, because they teach you how to adapt to such situations. News flash, you scary sonofabitch: the act of growing older does that to those of us who were smart enough not to waste our money on your precious little ass-backward clubs that promote brotherhood and the treating of people who aren't quite in your club like rat feces. Steve admits that he doesn't like being told what to do, and maybe that's where this whole fraternity thing is beginning to unravel. Somebody give that boy a gold star for figuring that crap out without having his brains seep out his ears. Ron the Scary Alum leaves and then comes up with a brilliant idea: he's going to drive around the block and then come back to the house to see if Steve has let some girls in the house. Like clockwork, three li'l skank hos follow Steve all up in that jizzoint just as Ron the Scary Alum comes barreling up the driveway in his beat-up '69 Volkswagen with the vanity plate "SCRYALUM." Ron the Scary Alum goes all Jackie Chan on Steve's ass, kicking the girls out and yelling at Steve that Steve had the balls to lie to him. Steve's chillin' on the cell phone as he calmly tells Ron the Scary Alum that he didn't lie to Ron the Scary Alum, but if Ron the Scary Alum wants to consider what he said a lie, then that's cool. Ron the Scary Alum is flipping out, probably because he could never get a girl to come in the pledge house when he was a younger man because most college chicks can smell defective Lung Boy sperm a mile away.
The day, we see the guys slowly waking up. Earl freaks out because he has overslept and was supposed to take part in a charity golf tournament where he was to be paired up with a friend's mother for whom the tournament is being held because she once had cancer but has apparently beaten it like one of Joan Crawford's kids. Earl's mom calls to lay a heavy guilt trip on him for missing it, and Earl is legitimately feeling like shit over this. Earl tells Tim that he has to write the woman a letter of apology for being such a drooling mongrel and missing her tournament. This leads to a bonding moment between Tim and Earl. Ten minutes ago, they were at each other's throats. Now they're pledge brothers again. Dammit, somebody hand my my box of Kleenex. I'm borderline verklempt.
Apparently, the guys have either been told to wear gold and blue shirts to the line-up in order to show that they mean business when it comes to joining the fraternity, or they're starting the world's ugliest boy band. Regardless of the reason, Tim's mom and grandma show up at the house to sew seven shirts for the guys. Ron the Scary Alum comes screeching up the driveway and bellows at the women to get out of the house now before he rips their heads off and pulls their lungs out of their necks so his baby boy won't be so self-conscious. Tim explains to Ron the Scary Alum that it's okay; the women were cleared by George to come in the house. Ron the Scary Alum silently glares at everyone, hops back into his VW, and peels back out of the driveway in misogynist disgust. We fast-forward to the line-up, where George is asking questions about the frat and the pledges aren't stumped, for once, and rattle off the answers as quickly as he can toss them out. George points out a rip in Dan's shirt while Dan's in a hallucinogenic mushroom haze. Dan's unable to form complete words without bursting into tears; Tim blurts that it's his fault Dan's shirt is ripped because Tim's grandmother sewed his shirt and she's old and decrepit and drives painfully slow in the left lane of highway traffic, forcing everyone to pass her slow ass in the right lane. George gently reprimands Tim, saying that Tim's grandmother gives great handjobs and never to blame her for anything ever again except for instilling premature ejaculatory problems in young fraternity boys. Sounds like ol' George may have a little crush on Granny. Earl answers a question, which prompts Tim to admit in a voice-over that Earl is now dedicated and committed to becoming a member of the fraternity. Or else he must be outta weed and is sober for the first time in the run of the show.
At the fraternity meeting, Brad's still miffed about Steve. He says that Steve has messed up at least four times now, and he just doesn't seem to care about impressing the brothers, and as we've all learned by now, impressing the brothers is what Fraternity Life is all about. Furthermore, Steve never greets anyone at Union Hours, he snuck girls in the house, he voted for Gore, and he has yet to strip Brad down to his skivvies, tickling him with a feather dipped in maple syrup like Brad likes it. This causes Brad to fall to his knees on the floor in front of everyone, fumble excitedly with his zipper, and start jerking it for all to see. Tired of Brad's primal instincts, the guys each barely lift an eyebrow in his direction.
Over at the pledge meeting, an intervention of sorts is taking place as the guys are trying to get Steve to start flying right before his plane is shot down in a hail of Sigma Chi Omega bullets. Steve mumbles that he feels as if the brothers are disrespecting him. All of the guys come to the painful realization that they can't have any more screw-ups in the six to eight weeks, or they're gone. Steve says in his interview that he definitely wants to be accepted into the fraternity, but adds, "Not if I have to watch that pinched-face cracker Brad whack it at every single fraternity meeting!"
week, Alex goes out with Lindsey on their anniversary dinner, and the brothers get pissed because he's not home by midnight, and Lindsey gets pissed that cameras are following them everywhere and documenting her psychotic bitchy tendencies. It therefore stands to reason that week Alex is quickly shuttled back to Wussyland, Population 1.
I cannot think of a better public service announcement to encourage college students to hold on to their independence rather than go Greek than this show and that horrendous Sorority Life. Why in the world would anyone want to pledge a fraternity or sorority after seeing, on these two shows, how they're going to be treated? Only in extremely rare cases are these people seriously "brothers/sisters for life." And if you don't believe me, ask anyone over the age of thirty. As soon as you get that diploma, life takes a whole new turn and the college days -- just like the high-school days before them -- are left behind in a cloud of dust. So why would you want to pay dues to a bunch of assholes who are going to make you their slaves and then deem you worthy of their friendship after you've humiliated yourself and went through their rigorous training and public ridicule? Are these people that damned desperate for love and attention?