Serenity

Before you start writing me an angry e-mail based on the main page teaser that begins, "This isn't the last episode! They filmed a couple more episodes before they shut down production! FOX said they're going to air them!" let me tell you about my last experience recapping a Friday show on FOX. FOX ordered thirteen episodes of Pasadena, but aired only four. They insisted that they would show them all eventually. They continued filming new episodes long after FOX yanked the series from the air. All thirteen episodes were filmed. They never aired in the United States. So, yes, I'm treating this episode as if it's the last. Does that make me a cynic? No. A lot of other things that have happened to me for the past fifteen years have made me a cynic. But I doubt that FOX is going to make much of an effort to find someplace to stuff two unaired episodes of a series they've already cancelled. Who knows, maybe I'll be surprised. And if they do air, I'll recap them. But I'm not holding my breath.

We open at night in the middle of the ground war scenes that have been used as clips in the old introductory narration. The Saving Private Rygel battle goes on for a few seconds, showing a bunch of men getting strafed into the great hereafter by futuristic attack aircraft. Mal runs through, avoiding the gunfire, and hurls himself into a cave-like bunker where his Band of Browncoats are huddling. Zoe's there as well. Mal wants to call in an air strike. A soldier tells him they can't without a lieutenant's authorization code. Mal rips the patch off the sleeve of a nearby corpse and "promotes" the soldier. Mal tells Zoe to get her squad to high ground. Yes, that seems like the perfect thing to do after ordering an air strike. Zoe warns them that they'd be sitting ducks, but Mal insists that he and Zoe will take care of the attacking ship. A bomb rocks the cave and rattles the men, so Mal gives the requisite St. Crispin's Day military blah blah blah "we've achieved the impossible" blah blah blah "we're mighty" blah blah blah "when the world runs out of lovers, we'll still have each other. Nothing's gonna stop us now," et cetera, et cetera.

Mal asks Zoe if she's ready for their assault as he pulls out a crucifix necklace and gives it a brief kiss. Zoe is. They rush out, but run into an immediate problem; the guy Mal ordered to provide cover fire is just sitting there, shell-shocked, imagining that he's frolicking with puppies in a field full of wildflowers. Frustrated, Zoe ends up providing the cover fire for Mal, who rushes down the hillside, taking out some men along the way. Then Zoe runs after him, getting no cover at all. She is, however, wearing chain mail. They find cover behind some rocks, then manage to take down a soldier at an Alliance artillery cannon. Mal commandeers the cannon and manages to take down the Alliance ship harassing them. He cheers at his success, until he realizes that the ship is going to try to get the last word in by crashing directly into him. He runs over to Zoe and hurls them both out of harm's way.

They head back up to the bunker, flush with success, only to discover that their new lieutenant has been killed. The only other person who still seems to be alive is the shell-shocked soldier, named Bendis. As Zoe takes over communications, Mal tries to get Bendis going again. Bendis says they're going to die. Mal responds, "We're not gonna die. We can't die, Bendis. You know why? Because we are so. Very. Pretty. We are just too pretty for God to let us die." So that's why he let Simon stay. If prettiness is some sort of good-luck charm, then Simon is a horseshoe made out of four-leaf clovers. They hear the sounds of aircraft approaching. Mal assumes that this means their air strike has arrived to blow away their foes. Zoe, listening to the communication system, tells Mal that it's not them. She tells them that command is pulling out, and they're to lay down their arms. Mal looks confused and wonders what the sound is, then. He slowly comes to a realization and stands up behind the bunker. The Sad Fiddle Of Belief In God Fading plays as Mal watches dozens of Alliance ships descend into the valley. Bendis stands to him, but is suddenly shot down. I guess he just wasn't as pretty as Mal. Mal watches it all in silent horror. And that's how the Battle of Serenity Valley wasn't won.

Cut to six years later, according to the captions. Mal spacewalks his way into the frame, upside-down, sealed in his environmental suit. He's floating outside a sealed vault. Zoe is spacewalking to him, as is Jayne. He asks Jayne to "give [him] the sticky." Get in line, buddy. As Jayne silently floats over to hand him some sort of tool, we get a wider view to see that they're floating around what appears to be some sort of space facility. They make a big deal of the fact that there's no sound except for what we can hear from the crew's communicators. Yes, yes. We know that you know that there's no sound in space. The tool that Jayne gives Mal is some sort of goo gun. He spreads a clear gel around the outline of a closed hatch. Silently, of course. He pushes back away from the hatch as the gel starts to burn through the wall. He tells the others that once the hatch is gone, they'll get the goods and get the heck out of there.

The Guitar Of Yet Another Mission Is About To Go Awry plays as we pan up out of the wreck of this space station up to Serenity, where Wash tells them all that everything looks fine from where he's sitting. Joss -- I mean, "Wash" -- plays with some toy dinosaurs. The stegosaurus pretends to claim some fertile land for them, but then the tyrannosaur betrays him. You just can't trust tyrannosaurs. Should have gone with the ankylosaurus. They're too stupid to cause any trouble. Wash's play is interrupted by some alarms warning him that the plot is approaching.

Back at the space station, the hatch blows away (silently) and they open the door to find three intact containers. As they're considering their treasure, Wash pipes in on their communicators to warn them all that an Alliance cruiser is on the way. Mal mutters something in Chinese ("Have I ever told you all how much I love UPN? I watch it every night.") and asks Wash if they've spotted them yet. It doesn't seem like they have. They all worry that they'll get "humped" if the Alliance finds them. No, you'll get "humped" if the folks on the forums find you. You'll get "arrested" if the Alliance finds you. Mal orders Wash to shut everything on the ship down except for life support. As Wash starts shutting things down, he calls out to Kaylee on her communicator, telling her that they're shutting everything down. Kaylee runs into the engine room and does her part in flipping switches.

A giant Alliance city ship approaches slowly. Captioning reveals that the name of the cruiser is the Dortmunder, which sounds like it should be the name of a troll in a Harry Potter book. Inside, the head Alliance bellboy asks a minion for some exposition. The space station that our antiheroes are raiding is actually a carrier that "blew out" some time back and everybody died. Head Bellboy wonders if they should bother checking for survivors. The NYPD Blue Gritty-Cam has been upgraded by NASA for space travel, and treats us to several jittery, in-and-out-of-focus shots back and forth between the various ships. The antiheroes think the Alliance hasn't noticed them. But then one of the bellboys picks up some heat signatures. Head Bellboy orders a scanner sweep. Wash detects it, and warns Mal. Mal orders them to fire the ship back up and prepare to get the heck out of there as he, Zoe, and Jayne bring the cargo back to the ship. The Alliance finally detects Serenity. Head Bellboy calls the crew "lowlife vultures, picking the flesh off the dead." I guess I should call that aftshadowing, since it sort of refers to the future events of "Bushwhacked," which has already taken place. Or something like that. Head Bellboy orders them to use gunships to bring Serenity and its crew in.

As the Alliance prepares to launch the ships, Mal floats his way back to Serenity and orders Wash to deploy something called a "crybaby." We cut briefly to what looks like a metal trashcan orbiting around the moon. It has antennas attached to it, along with a handmade sign that reads, helpfully, "Crybaby." For those of you who care, the trashcan has the Blue Sun logo all over it. Back on the Alliance ship, a bellboy tells them that they're suddenly picking up a distress call from a nearby personnel carrier. We cut immediately back to the crybaby, just in case some of the slower viewers don't get it. As Mal, Zoe, and Jayne make it back into the ship with the containers, Head Bellboy mulls over whether to go directly to help the "personnel carrier" or arrest the antiheroes first. The crew gets the containers into the cargo bay, shuts the door, and Mal flicks a switch, turning on the gravity. The crates fall to the floor. Mal orders Wash to get them out of there. The ship starts taking off, and we see the ship's rear end light up in a weird spray of yellow. It's reminiscent less of a firefly and more of an octopus spitting out ink as it escapes. Except yellow, not black. Jayne speaks his first lines: "Let's moon 'em!" Then we're all disappointed to discover (well, I am, anyway) that he was speaking metaphorically. Serenity's back end glows brightly for a second, and then it flies away. Back on the Dortmunder, Head Bellboy lets Serenity go, but puts out a warning on the cortex about the firefly-class ship with stolen goods.

Back on the ship, Jayne pulls the cargo around and declares the mission a success. Mal walks out of the cargo bay, muttering meaningfully, "Right. We win."

You can't take theoh, screw it. It's not funny anymore.

Wow, they went a long way to try to find something nice to say about Star Wars II on DVD, didn't they?

When we return from commercials, the crew is looking over their ill-gotten gains. The boxes are full of bars of something that looks like it could be gold or a precious metal of some sort. It's not, but we'll find that out later. Everybody coos over it. Wash and Jayne bicker in the background while Mal flips over one of the bars and notices some markings on the bottom. He flips it back over and replaces it before anybody in the crew sees it. He tells the crew he wants to get the McGuffins delivered as soon as possible before they encounter another Alliance patrol. Wash tells him it will be three or four hours before they hit Persephone. He tells Zoe to contact Badger and let him know that they got the goods. Zoe's picking up from Mal that there's something wrong, but he tells her he's just itching to get paid.

After Zoe and Wash head off to their duties, Mal helps Kaylee and Jayne load the McGuffins into the secret hold. Mal exposits that he needs them out of sight because they're going to be picking up some passengers in Persephone in order to make some money, and he doesn't want them nosing around the contraband. Kaylee's thrilled that there will be travelers on the ship, because they all have stories. Oh, man, she's the one you dread getting seated to on airplanes. Whatcha reading? Is it any good? I read her last book when I was taking the train to visit my aunt in Ohio. She lives in Columbus. They have a great symphony in Columbus. The last time I was there I heard them perform Beethoven's OH MY GOD, WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP?! You know. One of those people. Jayne begs Mal to stop Kaylee from being so cheerful. Mal says, "I don't believe there's a power in the 'verse that'll stop Kaylee from being so cheerful. Sometimes you just want to duct tape her mouth and dump her in the hold for a month." Kaylee responds by giving Mal a kiss on the cheek.

Down in a corridor, Zoe worries to Wash that something isn't right. They chat as they make their way onto the bridge. Wash hopes that they can get a few days off after this mission. There's lovey-dovey talk to telegraph to us that Zoe and Wash are a couple, which we already know, so get a room, you two. Wash suggests that they tell Mal that they're going to take a couple of days off, but Zoe says Mal's the captain, and it's his decision. Wash aftshadows his discontent that Zoe takes orders from Mal. Mal's her boss. It still bugs me. Boss. BOSS. She promises to ask him. Wash snarks, "Don't forget to call him 'sir.' He likes that." BOSS! Jeez.

Mal wanders in, so Zoe and Wash pretend they weren't talking about him. Mal asks if "the ambassador" has checked in. They're referring to Inara, and I'm just going to cut out "the ambassador" crap right now; obviously these euphemisms no longer actually serve any interesting dialogue purpose, since we know the truth. No, Inara hasn't checked in. Mal tells them to let her know that they may be leaving in a hurry. Wash offers to ask her to come back early, but Mal decides not to. He says, "Somebody on this boat has to make an honest living."

They arrive back at the ship as Kaylee is greeting a passenger, a guy by the name of Dobson, played by Carlos Jacott, who has played small roles in episodes of Buffy and Angel. Recycling actors is good for the environment. He was also in Bats. I'm sure he's frequently apologizing to people for that. ["Poor Ramon. I don't think Noah Baumbach movies pay very well." -- Sars] Anyway, Dobson makes his way onto the ship. Mal watches Wash pull some cargo onto the ship with the ATV. After it passes by, he turns to see Simon for the very first time, standing off to the side, wearing a full three-piece suit and red-tinted glasses with round frames. He's very Dr. Strangelove-meets-Ford Modeling Agency. He and Mal both size each other up and imagine each other naked. Kaylee introduces them to each other.

Inside the cargo bay, people mill around, stowing things, looking though the in-flight magazines, and making hand-puppets with the barf bags. Zoe meets with Mal over by one of the staircases and points out that they now have several civilian passengers to go along with their illegal cargo. Mal insists that nobody will be able to find their secret compartment.

Inara's shuttle returns to Serenity, and Wash greets her through the communicator. Inara is totally unsurprised that they need to leave in a hurry. She docks with the ship, and everybody prepares for take-off. The camera lands on Simon, trying to look more sinister than pretty, with mixed results, as the music suddenly turns tense. Gee, I wonder if this Simon guy is going to turn out to be some evil troublemaker?

Commercials. Did you know that current laws permit women to buy their own damned jewelry? It's true, you know. God, I hate Christmas commercials.

When we return, Mal is doubling as flight attendant in the mess area. There's food -- protein, all the colors of the rainbow. Well, that's better than most airline fare. Ech. Sorry. It's getting a little Premium Blend in here. During the introductions, everybody finds out that Book is a preacher man. Book wonders if that's a problem. Mal says it's not. He tells everyone they're allowed to come to the dining area at any time, but other than that, they're to stay in their quarters unless they have an escort. Simon points out that he has personal belongings in the cargo bay. Mal says that he figured people would need to get to their luggage, so they'll do that as soon as orientation is over.

Mal shifts gears to tell a nice little lie in order to deal with the stolen goods. He tells them all that he's been ordered by the Alliance to drop off some medical supplies on Whitefall before heading to Boros. Simon asks what the medical supplies are. Mal says he didn't ask. Zoe steps in to lie about insulin and plasma and such. See that dragging behind you? That's the plot. Speed it up, folks. Mal sends Zoe to escort the passengers back out to the cargo bay to get their Gameboys and MP3 players out of their luggage.

After they're gone, Mal asks Wash if he contacted Patience. He says he has, but hasn't heard back. Wash points out again that Patience once shot Mal. This joke isn't so funny that we need the rule of three here.

Simon tries to look sneaky as he goes through his stuff in the cargo bay. Dobson stumbles over him "by accident" as he's getting some of his bags. Book takes a bag and a wooden box up some stairs to the catwalk overlooking the cargo bay. Mal happens to be hanging out there with Kaylee. Book hands the bag and box over to Kaylee.

Downstairs, Dobson continues to overact "clumsy" for some unknown reason.

Back up on the catwalk, Mal greets Inara as she heads out of her shuttle. He calls her "ambassador" again. Kaylee and Inara greet each other with warm "hey, yous." Mal introduces Book to Inara. She notes that it's the first time they've had a preacher on board. Book says that he didn't expect to see a "state official" either. I roll my eyes as the unfunny joke that's been telegraphed since the beginning of the episode finally lands when Mal explains that Inara's really a space hooker. He even calls her a whore, even though Inara insisted to him when they first met that he not use that term. Mal says that, actually, Inara is a sort of ambassador. He explains that there are a number of planets that won't let you land if you don't have a quality "companion." Why? This is one of the things that has been said repeatedly on the show but hasn't been explained. Why do some planets insist you have a hooker in order to land? Are they that hard up? And considering that it's been explained that it's very rare for cargo ships to have a companion on board, does that mean that there are planets out there that simply don't do trade? Mal takes great amusement at Book's discomfort at discovering Inara's occupation. Inara insists that it's okay; she normally keeps to herself. She turns to walk away. Mal asks if she doesn't want to meet the other passengers. She responds, "Why don't you make sure they want to meet me first," as she walks off.

Kaylee joins Inara as they walk up the stairs. Kaylee asks how many men wanted to sweep Inara off her feet and get her to leave this life and give them the milk for free. Inara says that there was just the one.

Later, Kaylee carries some goods into the mess area. She opens the little box that Book gave her and pulls outa strawberry. She bites into it with ecstasy. I understand. I'm that way with raspberries.

Cut to group dinner. Everybody talks over each other. Book asks if Mal has a problem with him saying grace. Mal responds, "Only if you say it out loud." Up in the heavens, God responds, "Oh, waaaaah! I didn't take your side. Did I declare war on the Alliance? Have you seen the stuff in the Bible? Suck it up, Broody McRebel." Book looks annoyed, but then does hold a silent grace. Even Jayne participates. Heh. Mal ignores them and eats.

Simon asks Mal if the Alliance frequently orders him to make trips for them. Mal snarks that that's what governments do. Oh, whatever. Go sit in your underground bunker and eat canned peaches and read Soldier of Fortune. Jayne amusingly responds, "We're just happy to be doing good works." I should be annoyed that Jayne's intelligence and wit is so inconsistent, but it's Adam Baldwin. Dobson mentions that he's heard the hinterplanets are sad places full of famine and plague so that Zoe can explain what the universe is like for our benefit. Bleargggh! Bad exposition! Bad! He lives in this damned universe. Given what we find out about him later, he must know all of this. This is like somebody coming up to me and saying, "I hear there are these things called cars. What exactly do they do?" Zoe and Mal explain how tough it is for the folks settling out on the hinterplanets.

Kaylee asks Simon about being a doctor. He backgrounds that he's a trauma surgeon on Osiris in Capital City. Mal points out that Simon's a long way from home. Kaylee points out that Simon's awfully young (and pretty) to be a doctor. Simon shyly points back that Kaylee's a bit young (and pretty) to be a mechanic. She exposits the stuff that we already know from "Out of Gas" about having a natural skill with machines. Then she blathers on some more about how important doctors are until Jayne snarks, "Little Kaylee here just wishes you was a gynecologist." He laughs at his own joke. Kaylee couldn't look more mortified if she had pooed herself. Mal orders Jayne to keep a civil tongue in his mouth, or he'll sew it up. Jayne responds, "You don't pay me to talk pretty. Just because Kaylee gets all lubed up because big city dandy --" Mal interrupts Jayne and orders him to leave the table. Uh oh. Daddy's pissed. They stare at each other. Finally, Jayne's butch bottom nature kicks in, and he grabs a bunch of food and leaves the table. Quit being such a brat or Daddy'll take off his belt, and you don't want that. Or do you? After Jayne leaves, Simon asks what Jayne does. Mal says, "Public relations."

Gratuitous female nudity alert! A welcome relief for those of you tired of my Simon/Jayne/Mal gay sex triangle jokes. Inara is naked down to her waist, giving herself a sponge bath. The camera lingers on her naked back and arms and stuff. She sits artfully, her ass crack concealed by a dress or robe. There is absolutely no point to this. There's no client there. Is she practicing her seductive bathing techniques? Well, I shouldn't complain. There wasn't any point to Jayne's shirtless scene in "Jaynestown" or Simon's in "Objects in Space," but I certainly didn't mind. Hooray for skin! There's a knock on the shuttle door, and she invites the visitor in. It's Book, who looks a bit surprised to see Inara's boobies. He quickly turns his head and starts to apologize for intruding, but Inara says she was expecting him. And that's why she's topless? I guess she wants to shove her work in Book's face as much as she's expecting to shove his in hers. She thinks Book is there to lecture her on the wickedness of her ways. Actually, he brought her dinner, but he does offer a bunch of vague lectures about hellfire and stuff. This guy is probably the worst preacher in the entire universe. I hope he has (or should I say "had"?) a secret past, because otherwise he's just sad. Book says that Mal suggested that bring her some food. They blather on about how Mal doesn't have much respect for either of their callings. Book finds it odd that Mal is so cynical, yet so protective of his crew. And you got that from what? Him getting mad at Jayne for mocking Kaylee? Anyway, Book finds Mal to be somewhat of a mystery. Inara's intrigued by him for that very reason.

And now, the vaunted space toilet scene. Mal uses a space toilet. Oh, you sci-fi pioneers, you. See, other sci-fi shows don't have toilets because the shows aren't "realistic." It's not because they prefer their plots to take place on sets that are actually relevant to the story instead of wasting their time on scenes that don't advance either action or character development. We cut in just after Mal zips up from peeing, and thank god, because I've already addressed spit fetishists in a episode and I really don't want to get into water sports. The toilet flips up backwards neatly into the wall when he's done, and a sink pulls out above it. All space brigands with elastic, ambiguous morals must wash hands before leaving the restroom. When he's done, Wash calls him up to the bridge.

Mal hears the tense, sinister music playing, so he realizes something's wrong and rushes up. Wash tells Mal that somebody on the ship went on the Cortex and contacted the nearest Alliance ship. Wash scrambled it, but he doesn't know how much got through. Mal says something lengthy in Chinese ("I just can't get enough WWE Smackdown! Or Girlfriends!"). Wash says they've got a mole on board. Hmmm. Could it be Simon? Could it be Book? Or could it be the guy we've never seen before? That's a poser.

But Mal's made up his mind, regardless of the fact that we all know what's coming and that these few scenes will have all the dramatic impact of an episode of Reba. We cut to Simon, looking over a large metal container in the cargo bay. He turns around, and Mal's there. He quips, "Forget your toothpaste?" and punches Simon right in his pretty little kisser. Simon goes down, but comes back up demanding to know what the hell is going on. Mal is certain Simon is a fed. Simon insists he doesn't know what Mal is talking about. Mal pulls a gun on him and demands to know what Simon told the Alliance. Just then, Book wanders out of a nearby corridor and says that Mal's got the wrong guy. Book looks meaningfully up on the catwalk. Mal and Simon look up to see the guy we've never seen before up there with a gun. How Book knew the guy was up there before he even entered the cargo bay is beyond me.

Dobson orders Mal to drop the gun. He does, and raises his hands, assuming that they've been caught for scavenging. But no, it's not Mal he's after. Dobson tells Simon that he's been bound by law. It takes Mal a moment to process this, but then he asks if there's a reward. Heh. Everything gets tense as Dobson starts getting all L.A.P.D., demanding Simon get on the floor even though he's unarmed and using threats and intimidation on Book and Mal. He accuses Mal of harboring fugitives, even though of course Mal had no idea. Mal realizes that now they're all in trouble, so now his neck hairs are getting up. He and Book and Dobson bicker back and forth. Dobson threatens to shoot Book. The argument starts getting louder. Then Kaylee and Jayne walk into the cargo bay to see what's going on. Dobson reacts to the sound of Kaylee's voice and instinctively shoots her in the gut. She goes down. Simon and Mal rush over to Kaylee. Even Inara rushes down from her shuttle when she hears the fight. In the moment of confusion, Book disarms Dobson and punches him out. As the others tend to Kaylee, Jayne strides over to Book and orders him to get out of the way so he can get to Dobson. Book says, "You're not killing this man." Jayne responds, "Not right away." Book insists that Dobson is no longer a threat. Kaylee, still conscious, hears that and mutters out a shocked, "What?" Jayne pulls his gun on Book, but above him on the catwalk, Zoe pulls out her sawed-off shotgun and overrules him, ordering him to tie Dobson up.

Simon orders Kaylee to try to stay conscious. He asks her if she can move her feet. She whispers, "Why? Are you asking me to dance?" See? She already knows he's gay. Simon asks if they have a working infirmary. Mal tells him that they do. The Wash comes on to the communicator and tells them all that they've been hailed by an Alliance cruiser and ordered to stay on their current course so that they can be intercepted. Simon stands up and tells Mal to turn the ship around and run. Mal refuses. Simon says he won't treat Kaylee unless he does. They argue. Zoe warns him that if Kaylee dies, he won't even make it to the feds. Simon points out that Kaylee would still be dead. Mal gives a "spoiled rich brats getting away with murder" speech. Simon insists that they turn the ship around. Everybody argues some more. Kaylee starts sobbing, so Mal gives the order to turn the ship around.

After a CGI shot of Serenity making a U-turn, we cut to the infirmary, where Mal and Simon place Kaylee on the table. Simon arranges for Kaylee's treatment and sends Inara to get his bag. We see some shots of surgery, with Simon pulling the bullet out. You know, Sean Maher does look a little more sinister in this episode. I'm not quite sure what it is. I think they try to arrange the cameras so that he's frequently shot from slightly beneath him. Mal and Inara watch the surgery. Outside, Jayne nervously peers through one of the windows. Awww.

After the surgery, Simon cleans up and says he can't do anything else until Kaylee stabilizes. And he's not even sure if that's going to happen yet. Inara wonders out loud what's going on with Simon and the mole. Mal says, "Let's find out," and strides out of the infirmary to the cargo bay. Simon chases after him and tells him to stay away from his cargo, but Jayne comes up behind him and grabs him in a headlock. I imagine that's what passes for foreplay for Jayne. Mal asks where Dobson is. Jayne says he's secured, and Book's with him because he seems to think he's not safe alone with the man-ape gone wrong. Mal pulls out the large metal container Simon brought with him. Mal pops open the lid, over Simon's protests. At first glance, it's a shipment of dry ice. But eventually it starts to evaporate, and there's a girl in the box. A naked girl. Whoever could she be? What a surprising development! But who is she? Dammit! They send us to commercials first and leave us hanging.

If you are involved in any way, shape, or form with Kangaroo Jack, you are required by restraining order to stay at least one hundred yards away from me. Really, it's for your own good.

When we return from commercials, Simon insists that he has to provide medical assistance to the mysterious naked girl. Mal seems to think that the girl is some sort of sex slave for Simon. Yeah, right. Suddenly the girl sits up in the box with a gasp, scaring everybody. Then she starts freaking out, and crawling around the box, and freaking and crawling and crying and overacting. Simon breaks free of Jayne and runs over to the girl and calms her down. It turns out her name is River. She eventually recognizes him and starts wailing, "Simon, they talk to me. They want me to talk and" So this must be when she discovered she had been programmed to receive Radio KRZY. Simon hugs her and assures her that they're safe now. Mal asks what's going on. Simon tells him that River's his sister.

Cut to a meeting in the mess room, where Simon explains River's history and the Academy and stuff. We've heard this all before, and I'm about to hit page 296 of this recap so I'll gloss it over: Simon and River are geniuses. They sent River to some mysterious school they had never heard of. It turns out they were doing nasty experiments on her. She sent him a coded letter that read: "They're hurting us. Get me out." Zoe asks how Simon saved River. In some new information for once in the show, Simon exposits that there was a mysterious underground group who told Simon what was going on and offered to rescue River for him if he helped fund them. He did, so a bunch of people we've never seen were responsible for freeing River.

After Simon's story, Mal tells him it's sad and all, but they're still in a whole lot of trouble. Wash doesn't know how much information Dobson was able to pass along. I would guess that it couldn't have been much, because otherwise the remainder of the series would have made no sense. Jayne asks what they're going to do. Mal decides they're going to finish their job on Whitefall. Simon asks about himself and River. Mal says that if Kaylee lives, they'll get off on Whitefall. If she doesn't, then, well, Simon will be kissing Mr. Vacuum. Everybody starts arguing over whether Mal has the right to murder the boy. The arguing goes on for several minutes, but Mal shuts everybody down by demanding, "The way it is is the way it is. We got to deal with what's in front of us." Inara says that Simon and River wouldn't last a day in Whitefall, and if Mal boots them off, she's leaving, too. Mal responds, "It might be best you do. You ain't part of this business," and walks out of the meeting.

Commercials. What I want to know is how these Bod people can afford this huge media blitz every Christmas and Valentine's Day. It's not like anybody actually buys that stuff.

When we return, we see shots of various crewmembers doing various things as Mal explains to them through the intercom that they're approaching a Reaver ship. Book is praying over Kaylee in the infirmary. Mal tells them that the ship may be heading somewhere in particular, or they may have already "hit somebody" already. Mal says that everybody needs to stay calm. If they try to run, the Reavers will chase them. They just have to stay the course and hope they don't respond. Mal concludes by ordering Zoe up to the bridge.

Simon chases Zoe down the corridor to ask what the hell the Reavers are. I should be retroactively annoyed that this means they've explained to Simon what Reavers are in two different episodes, but it's not like the writers had any choice in the matter. Zoe explains about them being space cannibal rapists. Simon heads to the infirmary to be with River, who is sleeping on the other table.

we cut outside for a brief shot of Serenity approaching the large, ungainly Reaver ship. Inside, Inara opens up a little case that contains a needle, one would assume in order to choose suicide over being raped to death. Or perhaps she's just diabetic. Jayne loads his guns in his quarters. There are blurry pictures on the wall behind Jayne. We can't make them out. They could be women. Or men. Or guns. Or possibly even food.

The ships slowly pass each other. On the bridge, Wash points out something called a magnetic grappler that the crazy improbable space cannibals use to grab ships. Time slows to a crawl. Eventually, Serenity passes by the Sakalava, but the ship doesn't respond. Everybody is relieved. Zoe exposits that the Reavers are working their way closer to developed planets.

We cut to the infirmary, where Mal watches River sleep. Kaylee calls out to him. She's woken up and seems to be in okay shape. She worries that she can't feel anything below her stomach and is getting cold. Mal tells her to rest, and covers her with a blanket. Kaylee assures him that she'll be okay and that Simon fixed her up nice. She adds that Simon's nice, too. Mal calls her "duck liver" and warns her not to crush too hard on Simon, because he's gay. And also, he's not going to be on the ship for long. Kaylee says that Mal's nice, too. Mal insists that he's a "mean old man." Kaylee says that Simon wouldn't have let her die. She insists that what happened to her was nobody's fault, and begs Mal to remember that. Mal says he'll try. Kaylee concludes that Mal's always looking out for them, then looks over at River and calls her a "real beauty." Then she falls asleep. Mal lets her hand flop down. I didn't even realize when I watched this the first time that we were supposed to conclude that Kaylee had just died. Because, you know, duh.