Previously on Firefly: The Dishwashers of Doom came to escort River back into the kitchen, but she escaped; Simon discovered that the mysterious Academy had been picking around in River's brain; Jayne betrayed River and Simon for a large sum of money, but was then told that the check was in the mail; Mal almost killed Jayne when he realized what Jayne had done, but didn't; Kaylee wasn't a big fan of real-world first-person shooter games, but River helped her out with her Jedi mind tricks. Incidentally, following up on a recent comment from Sars, "Jedi" is in Microsoft Word's dictionary. Scary, huh?
Serenity soars through space, past a rainbow-colored planet. Suddenly, the camera starts hurtling toward the ship, passing through the wiring and ducts, stopping with a strange "schoop!" sound effect at a mesh grid in the ceiling overlooking River's bed. She lies there with her eyes closed. We hear the muttering of voices as Radio KRZY prepares for its evening broadcast. River opens her eyes as a man's voice declares, "We're all just floating." Not for long. Sorry. All my gay jokes are likely to be replaced with cancellation jokes in this recap. I'm not sure whether you'll find that an improvement or not.
River slides open the door to her quarters and wanders out into the common area, where Simon and Kaylee are hanging out, talking. Simon's telling Kaylee a story about how he and some other guys who had just made surgeon pulled some stunt where they stood around naked on a statue of Hippocrates and sang. And they took turns sitting on his caduceus. Okay, maybe a couple of gay jokes. Simon's sitting on the couch in total casual attire -- just a long-sleeved shirt and some Old Navy cargo pants. I miss the vests. Kaylee's resting with her legs in his lap. Neither of them seems to notice River. She teases him about imagining him naked in a flirtation that's about as subtle as offering him a blowjob. She tickles his face with her bare foot. Ew. Simon pretends that he's not repulsed at a girl touching him (with her foot! Ew!) and explains how the feds showed up when he started singing. He claims they were just singing the national anthem. I'm thinking it was something by Freddie Mercury. Simon and Kaylee giggle until Simon notices River standing there. There's a slight whooshing sound effect and a quick cut; suddenly Simon and Kaylee are looking at her, stone-faced. Simon says, "I would be there right now." Then suddenly we cut back to Simon and Kaylee laughing some more. River turns and walks up some stairs, looking a little hurt, as Simon tells Kaylee about bribing the feds not tell his dad about his gay surgeon orgy. I thought River wasn't allowed to leave the room?
River heads down a corridor in her pretty pink sundress, barefoot. She wanders into the mess area, where Book and Jayne are talking about the fact that Book's taken a vow of chastity. Jayne is cooking and wearing a little apron. See, I told you he's total bottom. Jayne is predictably appalled at the idea of giving up sex. He asks Book if he's still got his goodies. Please don't talk about Book's goodies. Book says he does. Can we leave it at that and move on? Jayne asks about Book's urges. Book says that he directs his urges elsewhere. Jayne responds, "You mean like masturbatin'?" Gah. How is it that I've gone blind? River starts walking up to them as they discuss the risible idea of Jayne joining an Order. I think Jayne would have some interesting sermons. And the collection plate would be passed around at gunpoint. Suddenly, Jayne turns to River and says, "The money was too good. I got stupid." This was the exact thing he said to Mal when he admitted his betrayal in "Ariel." Book angrily spits at River, "I don't give half a hump if you're innocent or not. So where does that put you?" Cancelled. Oh, sorry. Suddenly they're laughing again, and River walks away in shock as the two of them ignore her and discuss the potential future sainthood of Jayne. No, see, we worship him because he's not a saint.
River leaves and wanders down another corridor until she can get a look through the doorway to the bridge. In there, Wash and Zoe are making out heavily. For some reason, River hears the sounds of the ocean (complete with seagulls) as she watches the two of them go at it. She makes ecstasy faces. Wash is going to be disappointed when he finds out that he actually had a three-way and didn't even know it.
Elsewhere, Mal and Inara walk across a catwalk, arguing. Inara's mad because she can't seem to get any quality clients on Mal's route these days. Mal gives a lengthy response that can be summarized as "tough patooties." River wanders down some stairs nearby. Suddenly, Inara turns to River and says, "I'm a big girl; just tell me." Okay. You've been cancelled. Sorry. Mal, arms folded, mutters, "None of it means a damned thing." Is that a meta comment?
A confused River rushes down the stairs to the cargo bay as KRZY continues to pipe soothing ocean sound effects into her head. Suddenly she steps on what appears to be a tree branch on the floor of the cargo bay, and the noises all stop. It's actually the first time she has actually interacted with anything in this segment. She leans down and picks up the branch. We pull back and see that the floor of the cargo bay appears to be covered with fallen leaves. She holds the branch and says to nobody in particular, "It's just an object. It's not what you think."
Suddenly we shift back to reality to see everybody in a panic around River in the cargo bay. It turns out that the branch she's holding is actually a handgun. Simon tries to calm her down. Kaylee looks particularly freaked out and backs away. Simon asks River where she got the gun. She mutters that it was in her hand. Mal finally manages to get the gun away from her, then notes that it was fully loaded with the safety off. He asks Simon if River understands how "unpleasant" what she just did could have been. River responds, "She understands. She doesn't comprehend." Eh? Mal says, "Well, I'm glad we made that distinction." Did we? Mal, speaking like a particularly rude Amazing Race contestant to a non-English-speaking taxi driver, leans over and demands, "No touching guns, okay?" River responds, "No touching," and starts to walk away. Simon tries to speak to her, but she shouts, "It's getting very, very crowded!" and runs out of the bay.
After she leaves, Mal tells Simon he thought River was getting better. Simon medibabbles about difficulties with the drugs. Mal angrily points out that River could have shot Simon, and if she had, there wouldn't be anybody to patch him up because they're out in space. Or as Mal puts it, on the "corner of 'no' and 'where.'" Just like the show's ratings! Sorry. Mal insists that Simon take better care of River, because they're "all alone out here." Everybody knows that an ironic segue is coming now. People who don't even know what the words "ironic" and "segue" mean know that it's coming. Certain species of mollusk know an ironic segue is coming. Is it still "ironic" if we all know it's going to happen? We cut outside Serenity for the ironic segue to see a smaller ship flying just behind it.
Credits. You can't take Phillip J. Fry from me. Oh, who am I kidding? FOX does whatever the hell it wants. Bastiches.
NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Those damned "Bod" commercials are back. The torment never ends.
We return to The Sinister Oboe (Or Possibly Clarinet) Of The Villain Of The Week. Inside the ship tailing Serenity, a man in a red suit reminiscent of Michael Jackson's Moonwalker days (does anybody else remember that video game?) peers over a bunch of pictures of River, including wanted posters.
Inside Serenity, on the bridge, Wash wonders to Zoe what crazy thing River is going to do . Zoe says, "Either blow us all up or rub soup in our hair. It's a toss-up." Wash hopes it's the soup thing, because it's funny and nobody dies. Well, there's no reason why she can't rub soup in some people's hair and blow up the others. Zoe expresses sympathy for River's situation. I just realized that we never really knew how Zoe felt about River's plight until now. Wash mutters about some funny "heat bounce" off the ship's wake. He figures it to be a screwed-up sensor. That's about as much explanation as we're going to get as to how the second ship is following them without them noticing. Considering that ginormous, city-sized Alliance dreadnaughts have managed to sneak up on them, I guess it's no big deal. They really should look into rearview mirrors, though.
Jayne follows Mal up the stairs onto the bridge. The two of them are arguing about River's little journey into an Afterschool Special about playing with guns. It turns out that the gun she had belonged to Jayne. Mal mutters about Jayne locking up his gun somewhere that River can't access without a combination. I couldn't catch the beginning there. Jayne insists that he doesn't leave his guns around and he doesn't leave them loaded. I'm not sure about the loaded part, but hanging them on the walls of your quarters probably qualifies as "leaving them around." Mal worries that she should have grabbed something with "hull-piercing bullets." Jayne explains that he doesn't have any bullets like that; even Vera could only "barely" pierce the hull. Jayne complains some more about how it's not his fault -- he didn't make River crazy and didn't even want her on the ship. Mal darkly asks him if this is the direction he wants the conversation to go in. Jayne backs down and says he doesn't want "a lashin'" for something he didn't do. Oh, Jayne. I'm sure you've probably done something today to deserve a lashing, even if it wasn't this. Zoe asks where River is now. Mal says she's back in her room, which he's thinking of bolting from the outside from now on. Wash asks if that's a little extreme. Jayne asks if anybody remembers how River slashed his chest open. Wash wistfully responds, "Wacky times." Jayne threatens, "You wanna go, little man?" Wash shoots back, "Only if it's someplace with candlelight." Wash probably isn't very concerned, because he's sure Zoe would beat Jayne into a puddle of furry goo if he messed with her man. Zoe says that she doesn't think that River would actually harm anyone. Jayne reminds her about the knife. Zoe corrects herself to say "anyone we can't spare." Heh. She adds that she doesn't think River has ever even picked up a gun before. That's Kaylee's cue to wander in and tell them that River's a bit moreLa Femme Nikita than they were aware of.
Cut outside to The Piggybacker Of Evil. A hatch opens on the bottom of the ship, and the man, in a helmet, slowly floats out. Apparently that red jumpsuit doubles as a space suit. He closes the hatch, then pushes himself downward in the direction of Serenity, slowly floating to the ship's hull. The Sinister Oboe (Or Possibly Clarinet) Of Evil continues to play. He makes his way slowly across the surface of the hull. Eventually, he gets on his hands and knees and crawls around the edge so that he can look through some windows on the roof of the mess area. He wouldn't want to miss any of the exposition!
We pan back into the mess area, where said exposition is on the menu for one and all. Step right up. There's even enough for seconds. Everybody is gathered except for River. Kaylee explains to everybody her experience with River when they freed Mal from Niska. She admits that she was afraid to shoot anybody, but Mal says that he has no problem with Kaylee not being a killer. Simon interrupts to say that River wasn't even there. But Kaylee explains how River showed up when Kaylee was trapped alone and took down all three men without even looking. Everybody's shocked. Jayne says something in Chinese ("If only the show had made it to Episode Eighteen; that's when Simon and I finally do it"), and insists that Kaylee must have seen it wrong. Kaylee insists she didn't, and it wasn't wild luck: "She just…did the math."
Zoe asks if Kaylee understands what she's telling them. Jayne snarkily responds, "What? She killed him with mathematics. What else could it have been?" I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss that theory. My AP calculus final put me in a coma for a week back when I was a senior in high school. Kaylee insists that none of them could have done what River did and says, "Nobody can shoot like that that's a person." Simon asks if Kaylee's saying that River's not a person, then. As Kaylee stammers and backtracks and tries to un-insult Simon's sister, we pan down below the deck to see that River is eavesdropping on their discussion from underneath the room. She's standing with her feet on each of the handrails on a catwalk over the cargo bay, giving her the appearance of floating at first glance. Kaylee goes on to explain that after River killed the guys, she acted like the two of them were "just playin,'" and it scared her. I don't know. I didn't see River having much of a playful expression there. Book points out that River probably saved Kaylee's life. Kaylee starts to explain that she's not saying she didn't or anything like that, but then Simon interrupts to say that River probably didn't even know what was going on and thought it was a game. Jayne responds, "Later on, you can explain to me how that's a comfort." I haven't been able to get a close look at it, but I think the iron-on patch on Jayne's shirt has a rainbow pattern and little flowers. Seriously.
Mal takes control of the discussion and tells everybody that they're there to discuss the fact that there's somebody on the ship that may be a danger to them. This, of course, triggers a pan upward so that we can see the intruder on the outside of the ship, eavesdropping. Mal talks about how some of them have grown attached to River, but she does have an "oddness" about her. You guys just don't understand her! She's lived a hard life and that's why she's so confrontational and you have no right to judge her! She still has a lot to learn! She reminds me of myself at that age! Oh, I'm sorry. This whole conversation just reminded me of the inevitable meeting in every season of The Real World where they spend an entire episode arguing about whether to toss one of the members out for being violent and stupid, as opposed to just stupid. Mal points out that River seems to know things that she shouldn't or couldn't possibly know. Jayne asks if they're saying she's a witch. Oh, Jayne's shirt has a rainbow pattern, little flowers, and a nekkid woman. That makes more sense. Wash snarks back at Jayne, "Yes, Jayne. She's a witch. She has had congress with the beast." Hey, that's no way to talk about Tara! Phoebe, on the other hand…a befuddled Jayne says, "She's in Congress?" Wash snarks, "How did your brain even learn human speech? I'm just curious." Jayne angrily tosses something on the table at him as Inara says something in Chinese ("Combining milk with Babassu Oil from the Amazon, our Babassu Milk Bath provides a fragrant and moisturizing bath experience.") and judgmentally reminds them all that they're talking about their lives, along with River's. Mal's old lady's such a downer.
After everybody shuts up again, Simon says that River does seem to be deeply intuitive. Mal interrupts to say that he doesn't think it's intuition; he thinks River's a "reader" of some sort. Zoe realizes that Mal means "psychic." Wash asks if that's even possible. Mal calls on Simon for an answer. Simon says that the Academy has definitely altered the way she reacts and perceives things. Wash says, "Psychic, though? That sounds like something out of science fiction." Zoe responds, "We're in a spaceship, dear." Can I call for a moratorium on meta-humor? Seriously, it was fun for a few years, but it's gotten really tired. Even on The Simpsons. Especially on The Simpsons. Jayne asks if they really think River can read minds. Mal thinks she can. Book says he thinks so, too. Jayne says he doesn't like the idea of anybody hearing what he's thinking. Inara snarks that nobody likes the idea of hearing what Jayne's thinking. Oh, now Inara cracks her own jokes. Hypocrite. And I'm sure you don't have to have psychic powers to know what Jayne is thinking: "Sex, food, sex, food, sleep, guns, food, sex, guns, guns, guns, Simon, food, guns." Book says the Alliance could have a number of uses for a psychic. I think just about any organization could have a number of uses for a psychic. Zoe points out that they could also have been training her as an assassin. Simon sadly says that River just wants to be a kid. Mal says he wishes it were that simple. Jayne snarks, "If wishes were horses, we'd all be eating steak." See? Food. Jayne demands to know what they're going to do about her. Simon slowly says that he doesn't think River would hurt any of them. Jayne looks around, but doesn't bring up the knife again. Perhaps he's managed to do some math of his own and figured out why River might have attacked him. Mal says that he's not going to make a decision tonight, so that River can have the opportunity to prove herself by taking out the plot contrivance latched to the hull of the ship. He tells everybody to get some rest.
Everybody scatters to their bunks, and Kaylee chases Simon down a corridor. He tells her he has to go check in on his assassin. Kaylee begs Simon not to be mad at her. He says he's not. He explains that River has grown to love it on the ship; he thinks that it's become more of a home to her than anything else has. Kaylee asks how he feels about it. He says he thought the hospital was home. He was helping people and making large amounts of money. He says, "I would be there right now if she hadn't…if they had just left her alone." Kaylee asks him if it's so bad here. Simon starts saying something about not knowing if Mal will even let them stay, but Kaylee interrupts him to ask, "Is there anything about this place your glad of? Like me? Me? Kaylee? Me? Do you like me? Do you? Do you? Like me? Are you glad of me? Me? MEEEEEEE!?" Simon looks at her uncomfortably, then uncomfortably leans in to brush some hair out of Kaylee's face for a possible kiss. Uncomfortably. Seriously, this is like the inverse of Kerr Smith's attempts at kissing boys on Dawson's Creek. Either Simon's gay or Sean Maher's gay, but one of the two (or possibly both) is dreading the prospect of kissing Kaylee. Fortunately, Book wanders by at just that moment to scare Simon away from the siren song of heterosexuality. Simon and Kaylee awkwardly wish each other goodnight and head off in opposite directions.
Mal sits around in the mess room. Then he gets up and walks down a corridor. He kicks open the hatch-ladder that leads down to his quarters and climbs down. As soon as he's gone, a hatch leading upwards (and possibly outside the ship; it's not clear) opens, and our mysterious Moonwalking intruder climbs down a ladder into the corridor. The Sinister Oboe (Or Possibly Clarinet) Of The Villain Of The Week plays as he pulls out a gun.
Commercials. Uh, what? Man, nothing really happened during that first act, did it? Strega and I had a lengthy discussion in Vegas about how Joss is good with the dialogue and characterization, but tends to really fall apart when it comes to tight plotting and pacing. I think fans tend to be more forgiving of those flaws because good characterization and dialogue is so hard to come by on television. But that first act really dragged.
We return to The Sinister I'm Pretty Sure It's A Clarinet Now Of The Villain Of The Week as Moonwalker lurks down a corridor. The coast seems clear, so he puts his gun away and heads back to shut the hatch. He walks back down the corridor and abruptly runs into Mal. Mal is shocked for a moment, but then quickly tries to punch Moonwalker out. They fight. There are a lot of abrupt cuts to make it look like Moonwalker is really fast, but they didn't do a very good job of it. What really happens is that Mal pretty much reacts to everything really slowly and doesn't even bother to fight back much. There's a quick shot of Zoe and Wash's quarters, which are right nearby, to show that they're sleeping and that the fight didn't wake them up. Moonwalker knocks Mal out, then quietly drops Mal down the hatch into his own quarters. He closes the hatch to the room, and then punches something into a nearby keyboard, locking everybody in their quarters.
You know how this would have all worked better? If they had cut out about half of the mess area conversation and put this whole fight before the first commercial break. The whole confrontation took about ten seconds, and we would have at least ended the first act with a real sense of danger. Half that conversation was just the characters telling each other things viewers had already figured out anyway. Yeah, I know it's arrogant of me to presume that I could pace this show better than somebody who writes television for a living, but, well, I just did.
Cut to the engine room. It turns out Kaylee wasn't in her quarters for the lockdown. She's underneath the engine, fiddling with stuff. She hears a noise and stands up, calling out River's name. There's no response. She leans down and grabs a pair of pliers. She stands up again, and there's Moonwalker, standing right in front of her. She gasps in surprise. The man starts complimenting her for the ship. He says it's very good looking. Kaylee asks him how he got on the ship. He non-sequiturs (and get used to me using that as a verb) that it "strains the mind a little bit. You think you're all alone. Maybe I come down the chimney, Kaylee. Bring presents for all the good girls and boys." Well, he's wearing the right colors. Oh, and he's getting on my nerves already. Maybe he's a technician from radio KRZY, and he heard that River's suddenly not picking up their signal as well anymore. He adds, "Maybe not, though. Maybe I've always been here." Eye roll.
Kaylee asks him what he wants. He looks at the engine and blathers on about how it'll just die if just one of its many, many parts breaks. Yes, we already had that episode. If you're going to blather, can you at least move the plot forward? Then he casually asks, "You ever been raped?" Oops. I should have kept my mouth shut. Kaylee looks at him in horror, then tells him that the captain's nearby, but her voice is starting to break already. Moonwalker tells her that everybody's locked in his or her quarters. Nobody can help her. She starts to cry. He makes her repeat that nobody can help her. Moonwalker says he's going to tie her up, then he's going to "give [her] a present." Okay, that creeped me out sufficiently to want this guy dead. Even if his annoying patter hadn't done it already. But it's not a rape euphemism, even though he clearly enjoys the fact that Kaylee thinks so. That's why he phrased it in that manner. He says he's going to "get rid of a problem [she's] got." He promises that he won't touch her in any way or hurt her, as long as she doesn't cause a problem or upset his plans. If she does, "[her] body is forfeit." He warns her that he can find all sorts of "unseemly" uses for her. He ties her hands behind her back and demands to know where River sleeps. Kaylee cries some more. Jewel did a really good job with that scene.
Book wanders through a common area with a towel and traveler's kit. I assume he's going to take a shower. Or perhaps a milk bath. Okay, I have to tell you -- Keckler just sent me a surprise gift in the mail. It's this organic powder for a milk bath from a company named Inara. I've been giggling at it all afternoon. I'm sorry. It's just funny. Especially the part of the company description that talks about women's cooperatives. Hee. Anyway, Book hears a noise. He says, "Hello?" but there's no response. He turns away again, but there's another noise. He peers up the stairs that lead up to the deck. Suddenly, Moonwalker flies down the stairwell feet first and lands right on Book's face, knocking him down and out.
Yay! Shirtless Simon! What? Shut up. The noise wakes Simon up in his quarters. He's not wearing a shirt. He turns on the light and gets up. He slides open the door to his bunk and walks across the corridor to River's room, still shirtless. And I was totally right when I predicted that he was just as built as the alleged manly men. He shirtlessly slides open the door to River's bunk, only to find it empty. He takes a step down the corridor to look around. The camera angle pans upward from about Simon's knees, allowing us all to absorb his shirtlessness, as well as to notice that Moonwalker is straddling the wall above Simon, all the way up at the ceiling. Moonwalker swings down and attacks Simon with his legs and tosses him against the wall. That looked absolutely ridiculous. He threw Simon with his ankles. Simon gets up and charges Moonwalker, but Moonwalker pulls out his gun on him. That pretty much takes the fight out our shirtless doctor.
Moonwalker suggests that Simon sit. Simon shirtlessly says he'd prefer to die standing. Whoa, his pecs are actually bigger than all the other guys'. Just when I think I've had my fill of smooth pretty-boys, somebody like Sean Maher comes along, dammit. Moonwalker explains that the plan isn't for Simon to die. It turns out that the plan is for Moonwalker to recite everything he learned in "Intro to Philosophy," but we'll get to that. I just wanted to prepare you. Simon shirtlessly sits down on a chair in the hallway and asks Moonwalker, "Are you Alliance?" Moonwalker responds, "Am I a lion? I don't think of myself as a lion. You might as well, though. I have a mighty roar." Simon, shirtlessly: "What?" Me, shirtily: "What?" Simon clarifies that he said "Alliance." Oh. Moonwalker asks where River is. Simon says he doesn't know, and adds, "Who do you work for?" No, see, you have to throw him against the wall when you ask that. Moonwalker points out that River's room is empty, then babbles on about whether it's still "her" room when she's not in it. He can't remember a word that describes what he means. Me: Eye roll. He tells Simon that his plan is to bring River back for a big reward. Then he remembers the word he's looking for is "imbue," meaning that River imbues the room with her…Riverness…when she's in it. Shut up, Moonwalker. Simon says, "So you're a bounty hunter." Moonwalker says, "No, that ain't it at all." Simon: "So what are you?" Moonwalker: "I'm a bounty hunter." Sigh. He introduces himself as Early and says he's been tracking them since the feds were tipped off on Ariel. I just realized that because of Jayne, the Alliance now knows which ship River and Simon are on. Doesn't that pretty much mark them all as fugitives now?
Early asks Simon if River sleeps with any of the other crewmembers. Simon insists that she doesn't. He's the one sleeping with half the guys, not River. Okay, he doesn't say that part. Early suggests that River could be sleeping around without Simon knowing. Simon shirtlessly declares this all insane and says he's not going to help Early find his sister. Early kneels down to Simon's level and shows him his gun (no, not like that) and tells him that he likes the weight of it. Simon says he thought the plan wasn't to kill him. Early non-sequiturs that the gun's form is functional. Okay, then. He says the plan is to get River. If River's not there, then the plan is like her room. Uh. Yeah. I guess he's threatening Simon with…something. My own guess is that he's, in a roundabout fashion, telling Simon that if the plan doesn't work out, then there's no reason for him to not kill Simon. Early insists that Simon will help him find River. Simon insists that his last act isn't going to be betraying his sister. Early points out that Simon will help Early, because that gives him the opportunity to gain the upper hand against him. Whereas, if he doesn't help, Early will shoot him, and go do nasty, nasty things to Kaylee, tied up in the engine room. "She will die weeping," he promises. Simon shirtlessly declares that Early is out of his mind. You're just getting that? Early responds, "That's between me and my mind."
Simon shirtlessly puts on a shirt -- so I guess I can't use that adverb anymore -- and heads out into the common area with Early. He finds Book, unconscious. Early says Book's not dead. Simon asks what part of Early's "plan" required him to beat up a Shepherd. Early observes, "That ain't a shepherd," and rolls his eyes as he walks off. My prediction, if what River heard Book say is true, is that Book's a former bounty hunter himself. Or perhaps a marshal.
They head into the infirmary. Simon tells Early that River wouldn't be in there, because she hates the infirmary. He goes on to explain that the Alliance did nasty things to her head in rooms like this one and tortured him. Early interrupts Simon's diatribe to non-sequitur, "You ever been shot?" When Simon says he hasn't, Early says he should be. But he didn't mean that as a threat or an insult. Early goes on some diatribe about how surgeons should be seriously injured so that they understand what sort of pain they're dealing with. Me: eye roll. He points out that psychoanalysts get psychoanalyzed before they get certified, but surgeons don't have to get cut open. He concludes, "Does that seem right to you?" I think, actually, most people end up under the knife at least some point in their lives, and…why am I arguing with the crazy guy in the rubber racing suit?
Simon and Early wander through the cargo bay. Simon heads up some stairs and calls out, "Come on out, River. The nice man wants to kidnap you." Early shushes Simon and takes a moment to compliment the way the ship looks. "Firefly is a good design. People don't appreciate the substance of things." Oh, is that a meta-statement about the lack of ratings and critical interest in the show? If so, I'm sure I can fill up six pages explaining why the entire concept behind Firefly was doomed from the start. But I come here not to criticize Firefly, but to bury it. Okay, I come to criticize, too. But still. Early works in the show's title by nonsensically muttering, "Objects in space. People miss out on what's solid." Simon doesn't miss out on the fact that Early is standing near the edge of a catwalk. He makes a move to push Early off, but Early pulls his gun on him, saying, "It's not your moment, doctor." Whatever. Early points out the two shuttles. They'll examine the empty shuttle first, then harass Inara.
Cut to them completing an unsuccessful search of the empty shuttle. They walk across the catwalk to Inara's House Of Not-So-Free Love. Early pauses along the way, stares at a support bar for the catwalk, then gives it a lick. Me: Eye roll. That may or may not have been the spot where River stood to eavesdrop on the mess room conversations, which means that Early may or may not have psychic powers of his own. But we'll never know for sure.
In Inara's shuttle, Inara sits up in her bed and tells Early that his search is pointless. Early says that 200,000 credits, or dollars, or euros, or gold-pressed latinum, or whatever, isn't worthless. He could retire on that. Not that he would, adding, "What's life without work?" Politics. (Rim shot.) Inara says she's been on the ship for a year and couldn't even name all the many places somebody could hide on the ship. Early mutters that River has become a real annoyance. Simon snarks back, "I really feel for you." As they leave, Early tells Inara that he's going to seal her into the shuttle until he's done. Inara responds that Early can still "walk away from all this." She starts telling Early that she knows he's tired, but then he turns around and backhands her across the face. He says, "Don't go visiting my intentions. Don't ever." As he leaves, he tells Simon, "Man is stronger by far than woman. Yet only woman can create a child. Does that seem right to you?" I'm terribly annoyed that they gave him that line, but then didn't give Zoe anything to do this episode to teach him a lesson. Not that he'd learn it, what with him all hopped up on craziness.
Cut to the bridge, where Early tells Simon that he doesn't have any more time for hide-and-seek. He shouts out loudly for River. He says he knows she's on the ship and warns her to show herself, or he'll blow Simon's brains out. We cut to the quarters, where Mal is slowly waking up from unconsciousness. Zoe's eyes pop open at the sound of Early's voice echoing about the ship. Jayne clutches his pillow and remains asleep. Heh.
Suddenly, River's voice emanates from one of the speakers. She tells Early that he's wrong. Early insists that he really will kill Simon if she doesn't show herself. River explains that Early's wrong about River -- she's not on the ship. Speaking about herself in third person, she explains that nobody wanted her there, so she "melted away." She says she didn't even know she could do that. Early says he doesn't understand what River's talking about. Well, now you know what it's like to listen to you. River explains, "I'm not on the ship. I'm in the ship. I am the ship." Early demands to know who they're talking to. The speakers respond, "You're talking to Serenity. And Early? Serenity is very unhappy."
Commercials. Shut up, Simon Cowell. Just getting back into practice.
We return to the engine room, with Kaylee tied up on the floor. River's voice emanates out of a speaker, greeting her. Kaylee's still a bit freaked out about the experience, so River tells her everything will be okay. Kaylee cries and says that she told Early where River was. She apologizes, but she didn't know what else to do. River tells her that it's okay. She's fine. But she needs Kaylee to do her a favor. Kaylee points out that she's all tied up. River points out that Kaylee has tools nearby, sharp tools, adding, "Don't be scared. I'm here."
Back on the bridge, Early is flustered by the idea of dealing with somebody crazier than him. He asks Simon where she went. Simon responds, "I can't keep track of her when she's not incorporeally possessing a spaceship. Don't look at me." Early declares it all to be nonsense. He's sure River's on the ship somewhere, playing with a communicator. River responds by echoing laughter through the speakers. Early says, "That's somewhat unsettling." Now there's the pot calling the kettle "creepy." River declares through the speakers. "Mr. Jubel Early, bounty hunter. May I call you Jubel?" Early says nobody calls him that. River responds, "Your mother does. I'm sorry…'did.' She's gone now." Incidentally, Jubal Early (note the slight difference in spelling) was the name of a Confederate general who led his troops on an unsuccessful attack on Washington. So we've got another Civil War allusion that makes no sense upon closer examination.
Early asks if he's supposed to be scared because River brought up his mother. River calls Jubel a liar. She says he doesn't have honorable intentions. Early agrees. Because he's a bounty hunter and all. He insists that he does live by a "code," though. Whatever. People think that living by a "code" means something, even if it's part of their "code" to do whatever the hell they want. River says Early hurts people. He insists that he only hurts people when the job requires it. River says he's a bad liar. She insists that he crawled inside "her" and hurt "her" crew. He insists that he only did it because people were getting in his way. Early demands that Simon stick up for him. Simon responds, "What am I, your advocate?" Early points his gun at him and says, "You are now." Simon snarks, "He's really very gentle. And fuzzy. We're becoming fast friends." No, I bet that's what he wrote in his diary about Jayne. River laughs again. Early declares them all to be insane. Simon leans back against a panel and snarks, "Well, my sister is a ship. We had a complicated childhood." Early asks if anybody cares that he has a gun. River says she cares. Early asks her if she's going to come out then, so that he doesn't have to blow Simon's head off. Silence. Early responds, "River? [pause] Serenity?"
Down in Mal's quarters, Mal is still groggy from his beatdown. River's voice pipes in from the com, telling Mal that she needs him to do something for her. Mal wants to know what the hell is going on and how River ended up "in" the ship. River says there isn't time for questions; Mal will just have to trust her. Mal asks if he's dreaming. River says we all are. They're all actually butterflies, dreaming that they're people. Except for Jayne. Jayne's a cat, dreaming that he's people. And me. I'm a cow dreaming that I'm a parking garage dreaming that I'm a…oh, never mind. Mal makes a confused face. River says, "Don't make faces." Heh.
Cut to Kaylee, who has managed to cut free of her bonds. She carefully slides her way out of the engine room.
Back on the bridge, Early asks Simon if the ship has locators. Simon says they won't help. Early says that, with the exception of one "deadly and unpredictable midget," River is the smallest "cargo" he's ever had to transport. Yet, she's also the most troublesome. Simon asks what the midget did. He was an arsonist. Bored now. Again, the pacing. They could have cut out half this crap and worked out a way to incorporate Wash and Zoe into River's plan, make it more complicated, and make the payoff at the end more interesting. As it is, River's master plan is actually rather simple.
Kaylee sneaks her way up the corridor, in full view of Early on the bridge. For some reason, he doesn't notice her. She manages to sneak over to the keyboard in the hall and unlock everybody's quarters.
Down in her quarters, Zoe insists that she can take Early out. River insists that he's faster than all of them and is wearing armor. Wash asks about his face: "Is his face wearing armor?" Zoe picks up a gun, but River insists, "No touching guns!" See, because that's what Mal told her. We never see either Zoe or Wash again until the very end, even though they could have actually been helpful at one point.
In Mal's quarters, River asks him if he's ready. Mal worries that she doesn't know what Early's going to do. She insists that she's very close to Early, and he doesn't even know it. Mal tries to argue, but River demands, "Go now!" and Mal climbs up the ladder.
As Mal capitulates to River's orders, we cut back to the bridge. Suddenly, everything powers down. River tells Early that he's not welcome there anymore. In a cool shot, we can see Mal climbing out of his quarters way off in the background, then making his way off-screen down a corridor. Early insists that he's not leaving empty-handed. River insists that he is. Are not. Are too! Nuh-uh! Uh huh! River tells Early that he likes to hurt people. Early insists that it's part of the job. River argues that Early took the job because he gets to hurt people. She blathers on about how Early's mother knew that there was "darkness" in him. She says he's "not well," which causes a bunch of "artsy" jump cuts of Early making "crazy" faces. Ugh. That causes unpleasant memories of Glory. And also less unpleasant memories of Millennium. She tells some story about Early killing a golden retriever who didn't "take to him" as a kid. More crazy faces. It's time for KRZY's face yoga exercises. Stick your tongue out! Laugh maniacally! Sneer! Bug your eyes out! Be cuh-razy! River adds, "Everything in here is gleaming." That's when Early puts it all together and realizes that River's not in his mind, nor inside Serenity -- she's in Early's ship. She laughs, and we cut to the ship to see her in a spacesuit. Sitting around, playing with various buttons and switches. River's in charge now. Still.
Early asks her not to mess around with anything. She orders him to put the gun away. He says he does, but then Simon points out that he hasn't. Oops. Witnesses. How pesky. He finally puts the gun away and begs River again not to go fiddling with anything on the ship. She tells Early that he's got issues. Early says no, but then quickly agrees that he does. Way to go! Please don't destroy my ship! River tells him he talks too much. God, yes. Early agrees. River says it's okay; she's going to go with him. Simon's confused now. She explains that she doesn't belong. She's dangerous, just like Early. We see shots of everybody looking guilty. She says that she can't be trusted, and everybody would be able to go on without her, not worrying, and being whatever they want to be. They could "live simple." There would be no secrets. Simon says, "No," but River insists that she'll be fine. She says, "I'll be your bounty, Mr. Jubel Early. And I'll just fade away."
Early mutters that at least something is going according plan, and starts to walk off the deck back to the ship. But that's when Simon charges him, tackling him hard against the wall. They struggle briefly until Early shoots Simon in an area that looks likes it could result in Simon making his own vow of chastity. If he lives. River screams.
Commercials. We return to see that Simon's actually been shot in the thigh. Mal and Jayne breathe sighs of relief. He lies on the ground, gasping. Early says, "See, that's what it feels like," and walks off. He heads down some stairs to the corridor leading to the hatch. I'm annoyed at them not using Zoe at this point. She could have done something here. Then Simon somehow manages to hurl himself down the steps on top of Early. They could really work Simon up to bodybuilder levels if they made threats against River part of his routine: "You're going to do fifty reps with this heavy barbell or we'll hurt River. Forty arm curls or we'll hurt River." They fight. Oz percussion plays. We cut to Jayne's quarters. The noise wakes Jayne up. He angrily pulls a blanket off the wall, revealing all his guns. The cavalry! Then he wraps the blanket around himself and goes back to sleep. Heh. Early concludes beating the crap out of Simon, then walks off as the doctor lies gasping on the stairs. Through Serenity's com system, River shushes Simon and tells him that everything's going to be okay.
Early climbs out onto the hull of Serenity. Through a communication system, he tells River that she made the right choice. Then we see Mal standing behind him, in his own spacesuit. He says, "You think so? Some of us feel differently." Then, before Early can respond, Mal grabs him and tosses him out into space. He flies past his own ship, unsuccessful in his attempts to grab on to it to stop himself. Away he goes!
River pushes herself back to Serenity with a big grin on her face. Mal catches her. Early's ship appears to fly away in the opposite direction. River must have programmed it or something. River asks for permission to come aboard. Mal says, "You know, you ain't quite right." River responds, "It's the popular theory." Mal tells her to head on in and give Simon "a thrashing" for messing up her plans. If she's not willing, I'm sure Jayne will oblige. River says that Simon needs a lot of looking after. Awww.
Down in the sick bay, Simon is directing Zoe through the removal of the bullet in his own leg. Zoe whines about not being good at this. Wash is there and makes a big production of offering to wipe her brow. Zoe manages to pull the bullet out. Simon says, "Okay, I'm just going to pass out for a minute, but you're doing fine." Aww. He's losing his butch now that River's safe again.
Mal and Inara stand at the door, watching. Mal observes that they live to fight another day. Well, one other day. Friday. Inara asks, "Is there any chance that shiong-mung duh kuang-ren ['this show'] might survive?" Mal says that the chance is "one in a very large number." Hey, he said it, not me. He notes Inara's split lip and makes to touch her face to see if she's okay, but she pushes his hand away and stammers off. She walks through the cargo bay as Book and Jayne come down the stairs. Book says that he feels like a fool. Jayne observes, "All them years of priest training, and taken out by one bounty hunter." Book lies that he gave Early a "hell of a fight." They blather on some more as they start working out together, again. Simon and Jayne, dammit! Simon. And. Jayne. Sigh.
Over in another part of the cargo bay, Kaylee is telling River about having sex with a fourteen-year-old boy with a really big penis. They're also playing jacks. Okay, then. Kaylee says she's on fours in jacks. River grasps the ball, which looks vaguely like the planet they passed at the beginning of the episode. If you're going to have repetition in the episode, it helps if it actually means something. River declares that she can win this. Kaylee snarks that River's all talk, and demands that she prove it. She stares at the ball for an eternity, then bounces it in slow motion on the deck. We follow the ball down, then we keep going through the deck and outside the ship. Early is floating through space. Alone. He mutters, "Well…here I am." Yup, there you are. Soon to be dead. Just like the show.