Before you start writing me an angry e-mail based on the main page teaser that begins, "This isn't the last episode! They filmed a couple more episodes before they shut down production! FOX said they're going to air them!" let me tell you about my last experience recapping a Friday show on FOX. FOX ordered thirteen episodes of Pasadena, but aired only four. They insisted that they would show them all eventually. They continued filming new episodes long after FOX yanked the series from the air. All thirteen episodes were filmed. They never aired in the United States. So, yes, I'm treating this episode as if it's the last. Does that make me a cynic? No. A lot of other things that have happened to me for the past fifteen years have made me a cynic. But I doubt that FOX is going to make much of an effort to find someplace to stuff two unaired episodes of a series they've already cancelled. Who knows, maybe I'll be surprised. And if they do air, I'll recap them. But I'm not holding my breath.
We open at night in the middle of the ground war scenes that have been used as clips in the old introductory narration. The Saving Private Rygel battle goes on for a few seconds, showing a bunch of men getting strafed into the great hereafter by futuristic attack aircraft. Mal runs through, avoiding the gunfire, and hurls himself into a cave-like bunker where his Band of Browncoats are huddling. Zoe's there as well. Mal wants to call in an air strike. A soldier tells him they can't without a lieutenant's authorization code. Mal rips the patch off the sleeve of a nearby corpse and "promotes" the soldier. Mal tells Zoe to get her squad to high ground. Yes, that seems like the perfect thing to do after ordering an air strike. Zoe warns them that they'd be sitting ducks, but Mal insists that he and Zoe will take care of the attacking ship. A bomb rocks the cave and rattles the men, so Mal gives the requisite St. Crispin's Day military blah blah blah "we've achieved the impossible" blah blah blah "we're mighty" blah blah blah "when the world runs out of lovers, we'll still have each other. Nothing's gonna stop us now," et cetera, et cetera.
Mal asks Zoe if she's ready for their assault as he pulls out a crucifix necklace and gives it a brief kiss. Zoe is. They rush out, but run into an immediate problem; the guy Mal ordered to provide cover fire is just sitting there, shell-shocked, imagining that he's frolicking with puppies in a field full of wildflowers. Frustrated, Zoe ends up providing the cover fire for Mal, who rushes down the hillside, taking out some men along the way. Then Zoe runs after him, getting no cover at all. She is, however, wearing chain mail. They find cover behind some rocks, then manage to take down a soldier at an Alliance artillery cannon. Mal commandeers the cannon and manages to take down the Alliance ship harassing them. He cheers at his success, until he realizes that the ship is going to try to get the last word in by crashing directly into him. He runs over to Zoe and hurls them both out of harm's way.
They head back up to the bunker, flush with success, only to discover that their new lieutenant has been killed. The only other person who still seems to be alive is the shell-shocked soldier, named Bendis. As Zoe takes over communications, Mal tries to get Bendis going again. Bendis says they're going to die. Mal responds, "We're not gonna die. We can't die, Bendis. You know why? Because we are so. Very. Pretty. We are just too pretty for God to let us die." So that's why he let Simon stay. If prettiness is some sort of good-luck charm, then Simon is a horseshoe made out of four-leaf clovers. They hear the sounds of aircraft approaching. Mal assumes that this means their air strike has arrived to blow away their foes. Zoe, listening to the communication system, tells Mal that it's not them. She tells them that command is pulling out, and they're to lay down their arms. Mal looks confused and wonders what the sound is, then. He slowly comes to a realization and stands up behind the bunker. The Sad Fiddle Of Belief In God Fading plays as Mal watches dozens of Alliance ships descend into the valley. Bendis stands to him, but is suddenly shot down. I guess he just wasn't as pretty as Mal. Mal watches it all in silent horror. And that's how the Battle of Serenity Valley wasn't won.
Cut to six years later, according to the captions. Mal spacewalks his way into the frame, upside-down, sealed in his environmental suit. He's floating outside a sealed vault. Zoe is spacewalking to him, as is Jayne. He asks Jayne to "give [him] the sticky." Get in line, buddy. As Jayne silently floats over to hand him some sort of tool, we get a wider view to see that they're floating around what appears to be some sort of space facility. They make a big deal of the fact that there's no sound except for what we can hear from the crew's communicators. Yes, yes. We know that you know that there's no sound in space. The tool that Jayne gives Mal is some sort of goo gun. He spreads a clear gel around the outline of a closed hatch. Silently, of course. He pushes back away from the hatch as the gel starts to burn through the wall. He tells the others that once the hatch is gone, they'll get the goods and get the heck out of there.
The Guitar Of Yet Another Mission Is About To Go Awry plays as we pan up out of the wreck of this space station up to Serenity, where Wash tells them all that everything looks fine from where he's sitting. Joss -- I mean, "Wash" -- plays with some toy dinosaurs. The stegosaurus pretends to claim some fertile land for them, but then the tyrannosaur betrays him. You just can't trust tyrannosaurs. Should have gone with the ankylosaurus. They're too stupid to cause any trouble. Wash's play is interrupted by some alarms warning him that the plot is approaching.
Back at the space station, the hatch blows away (silently) and they open the door to find three intact containers. As they're considering their treasure, Wash pipes in on their communicators to warn them all that an Alliance cruiser is on the way. Mal mutters something in Chinese ("Have I ever told you all how much I love UPN? I watch it every night.") and asks Wash if they've spotted them yet. It doesn't seem like they have. They all worry that they'll get "humped" if the Alliance finds them. No, you'll get "humped" if the folks on the forums find you. You'll get "arrested" if the Alliance finds you. Mal orders Wash to shut everything on the ship down except for life support. As Wash starts shutting things down, he calls out to Kaylee on her communicator, telling her that they're shutting everything down. Kaylee runs into the engine room and does her part in flipping switches.
A giant Alliance city ship approaches slowly. Captioning reveals that the name of the cruiser is the Dortmunder, which sounds like it should be the name of a troll in a Harry Potter book. Inside, the head Alliance bellboy asks a minion for some exposition. The space station that our antiheroes are raiding is actually a carrier that "blew out" some time back and everybody died. Head Bellboy wonders if they should bother checking for survivors. The NYPD Blue Gritty-Cam has been upgraded by NASA for space travel, and treats us to several jittery, in-and-out-of-focus shots back and forth between the various ships. The antiheroes think the Alliance hasn't noticed them. But then one of the bellboys picks up some heat signatures. Head Bellboy orders a scanner sweep. Wash detects it, and warns Mal. Mal orders them to fire the ship back up and prepare to get the heck out of there as he, Zoe, and Jayne bring the cargo back to the ship. The Alliance finally detects Serenity. Head Bellboy calls the crew "lowlife vultures, picking the flesh off the dead." I guess I should call that aftshadowing, since it sort of refers to the future events of "Bushwhacked," which has already taken place. Or something like that. Head Bellboy orders them to use gunships to bring Serenity and its crew in.
As the Alliance prepares to launch the ships, Mal floats his way back to Serenity and orders Wash to deploy something called a "crybaby." We cut briefly to what looks like a metal trashcan orbiting around the moon. It has antennas attached to it, along with a handmade sign that reads, helpfully, "Crybaby." For those of you who care, the trashcan has the Blue Sun logo all over it. Back on the Alliance ship, a bellboy tells them that they're suddenly picking up a distress call from a nearby personnel carrier. We cut immediately back to the crybaby, just in case some of the slower viewers don't get it. As Mal, Zoe, and Jayne make it back into the ship with the containers, Head Bellboy mulls over whether to go directly to help the "personnel carrier" or arrest the antiheroes first. The crew gets the containers into the cargo bay, shuts the door, and Mal flicks a switch, turning on the gravity. The crates fall to the floor. Mal orders Wash to get them out of there. The ship starts taking off, and we see the ship's rear end light up in a weird spray of yellow. It's reminiscent less of a firefly and more of an octopus spitting out ink as it escapes. Except yellow, not black. Jayne speaks his first lines: "Let's moon 'em!" Then we're all disappointed to discover (well, I am, anyway) that he was speaking metaphorically. Serenity's back end glows brightly for a second, and then it flies away. Back on the Dortmunder, Head Bellboy lets Serenity go, but puts out a warning on the cortex about the firefly-class ship with stolen goods.
Back on the ship, Jayne pulls the cargo around and declares the mission a success. Mal walks out of the cargo bay, muttering meaningfully, "Right. We win."
You can't take the…oh, screw it. It's not funny anymore.
Wow, they went a long way to try to find something nice to say about Star Wars II on DVD, didn't they?
When we return from commercials, the crew is looking over their ill-gotten gains. The boxes are full of bars of something that looks like it could be gold or a precious metal of some sort. It's not, but we'll find that out later. Everybody coos over it. Wash and Jayne bicker in the background while Mal flips over one of the bars and notices some markings on the bottom. He flips it back over and replaces it before anybody in the crew sees it. He tells the crew he wants to get the McGuffins delivered as soon as possible before they encounter another Alliance patrol. Wash tells him it will be three or four hours before they hit Persephone. He tells Zoe to contact Badger and let him know that they got the goods. Zoe's picking up from Mal that there's something wrong, but he tells her he's just itching to get paid.
After Zoe and Wash head off to their duties, Mal helps Kaylee and Jayne load the McGuffins into the secret hold. Mal exposits that he needs them out of sight because they're going to be picking up some passengers in Persephone in order to make some money, and he doesn't want them nosing around the contraband. Kaylee's thrilled that there will be travelers on the ship, because they all have stories. Oh, man, she's the one you dread getting seated to on airplanes. Whatcha reading? Is it any good? I read her last book when I was taking the train to visit my aunt in Ohio. She lives in Columbus. They have a great symphony in Columbus. The last time I was there I heard them perform Beethoven's OH MY GOD, WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP?! You know. One of those people. Jayne begs Mal to stop Kaylee from being so cheerful. Mal says, "I don't believe there's a power in the 'verse that'll stop Kaylee from being so cheerful. Sometimes you just want to duct tape her mouth and dump her in the hold for a month." Kaylee responds by giving Mal a kiss on the cheek.
Down in a corridor, Zoe worries to Wash that something isn't right. They chat as they make their way onto the bridge. Wash hopes that they can get a few days off after this mission. There's lovey-dovey talk to telegraph to us that Zoe and Wash are a couple, which we already know, so get a room, you two. Wash suggests that they tell Mal that they're going to take a couple of days off, but Zoe says Mal's the captain, and it's his decision. Wash aftshadows his discontent that Zoe takes orders from Mal. Mal's her boss. It still bugs me. Boss. BOSS. She promises to ask him. Wash snarks, "Don't forget to call him 'sir.' He likes that." BOSS! Jeez.
Mal wanders in, so Zoe and Wash pretend they weren't talking about him. Mal asks if "the ambassador" has checked in. They're referring to Inara, and I'm just going to cut out "the ambassador" crap right now; obviously these euphemisms no longer actually serve any interesting dialogue purpose, since we know the truth. No, Inara hasn't checked in. Mal tells them to let her know that they may be leaving in a hurry. Wash offers to ask her to come back early, but Mal decides not to. He says, "Somebody on this boat has to make an honest living."
WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP! Ironic segue alert! Ironic segue alert! We cut to Inara, making The Beast Who Gasps, "Oh, My God!" with a client. After it's over and he's flushed the condom, she makes small talk, telling him about the planet she grew up on. The client is a young cross between a nerd and a stoner. Apparently, the place Inara is from is very pretty. The client says he can't imagine why Inara would leave. There's a shot of Inara looking contemplatively sad, just to telegraph to us that she's not the happy hooker. There are weird jumpy cuts all over this scene, and the images don't always match up to the dialogue. It's both disconcerting and pointless. Unless somebody in this scene is in an altered state, I don't know what sort of point they were going for. The boy offers to buy Inara off, aftshadowing Atherton's offer in "Shindig." She smiles sadly. She must have declined, because we cut to the boy, dressed in an Alliance bellboy uniform, about to take his leave. He says he had a great time. Inara says, "The time went by too quickly." Then he stammers, "Well, your clock's probably rigged to speed up to cheat us out of our fun." Inara looks at him, a little shocked, as he realizes the awfulness of what he just said. He looks mortified, but doesn't apologize as he leaves. Somebody doesn't handle rejection well.
After the boy is gone, Inara heads over to the piloting area of the shuttle and checks in with Wash. He tells her where they'll be landing. She says she'll join them. Wash says they missed her. She sadly says she missed them, too.
Lots of fancy, schmancy, budget-eating CGI shots of Persephone. It didn't look this big the last time they were here. Or rather, the time they were here. However, when we cut to the docks where Serenity is landing, it looks like some sort of refugee camp. People speak in Arabic tongues while a sitar plays on the soundtrack. There's a chicken wandering around. There's always a chicken wandering around. You can't be poor on television unless there are loose chickens.
Serenity docks, and everybody heads out the cargo door. Mal says he thinks it won't take too long. He tells Wash to fuel up and grab supplies. He heads back into the ship as Kaylee aftshadows to Mal that she could really use a new compression coil. Mal overrules her. He orders Kaylee to find them some passengers who can pay. Kaylee aftshadows some more that if the coil busts, they'll be dead in space. Mal says that it better not bust, then. He's totally going to be kicking himself six episodes ago. Mal heads off with Zoe and Jayne. Wash drives out of the cargo bay in the ATV and says something lengthy to Zoe in Chinese. ("Be sure to mail all those postcards to Les Moonves.") Zoe promises that they will.
Crowd scenes. There's a sign labeled "Good Dogs!" to a barbecue. Ah, there's nothing like a good poor-foreigners-eat-dogs joke. Book wanders through the crowd with his luggage. Feel free to pretend that you don't know who he is if it makes you feel better. Some guy walks up to Book and calls him "Grandpa." He realizes that Book is looking for a ship (that luggage must have given him away). The guy gives him a spiel about how cheap and wonderful his ship is. Book regards the guy's ship, but tells him that he's not a grandpa and wanders back on through the crowd.
Mal, Zoe, and Jayne head down a dark alley and eventually make their way into Badger's lair. Badger checks out some girl's teeth, determines that they're okay, and has some men drag the girl away, no doubt to film a toothpaste commercial. Badger tells Mal that he's late. Mal points out that they're actually two hours early, and theorizes that Badger's pissy attitude indicates that something has gone wrong. It turns out that they're not late, so much as "too late." The bulletin warning folks about the ship and the cargo has hit Persephone. Badger holds up a newspaper with moving text and tickers on it to remind us about the whole future thing. Mal says that they didn't ID exactly which ship it was, so it doesn't lead back to him. Badger spills the news that Mal didn't want to tell the others -- all the cargo is stamped Alliance property, which I'm guessing makes it trackable. And wouldn't they be expecting this to be stamped Alliance property? If the Alliance is some looming, omnipresent, repressive regime, wouldn't they claim dominion over most things of value? Mal points out that they didn't pick the cargo. Doesn't matter. Badger declares that the deal is off. Jayne gets pissy and starts to draw his weapon on Badger, but six henchmen pull out arms of their own. Mal says that he knows that Badger could still sell the cargo, so he wonders if something else isn't going on. Badger makes some lengthy speech about Mal's role in the war to give us some more exposition that we already know. He blathers on about how Mal looks down on him, but Badger's really better than Mal, and this is all aftshadowing of their conversations in "Shindig." He tells Mal to try to unload the goods on one of the hinterplanets. As they leave, Mal says, "The wheel never stops turning, Badger." Badger responds, "That only matters to the people on the rim." Ah, Badger. An uncaring network and poor ratings have denied him his eventual comeuppance.
Book continues to wander down the dusty, dusty space-western road. He passes by Kaylee, sitting in a chair holding a multi-colored Asian umbrella. Her hair is pulled up in silly-looking little mini-buns. She declares to Book as he walks by, "You're going to come with us." Book responds, "Excuse me?" Kaylee says that Book seems to be more interested in the ships themselves, not their destinations. She says that she's got the best ship. Book says that Serenity doesn't look all that great. Well, it is. They babble about firefly-class ships for a while. Kaylee stands up and walks over to Book, asking him why he doesn't care where he's going. He's one of those "the journey's more important than the destination" type of guys. Kaylee concludes that Book's some sort of missionary. He introduces himself. She introduces herself and the ship. She says he'll have a nice smooth ride. If he can pay. Book says that he has some money, but also something else. He pulls out a wooden box and opens the lid to Kaylee. Kaylee likes what she sees and declares, "Ooh, Grandpa!" Book repeats that stupid thing about not getting married or having kids. Shut up, Book.
Jayne, Mal, and Zoe head back to the ship down the dusty, dusty space-western road. A couple of men reenact a battle from Samurai Shodown in the background. Jayne whines about them just leaving and not killing Badger for breaking their deal. Yeah, it's not like they'd ever do something like that. Oh, right. "The Train Job" hasn't happened yet. Mal points out that if they shot Badger, they'd be dead, and they still wouldn't get paid. Jayne whines they won't get paid if they just walk away. He reminds Mal that he's got a share in the job, and mutters about ten percent of nothing being nothing. He continues on with more math-related jokes using "nothing." Jayne's just a sucker for math humor. Zoe suggests selling the cargo on Boros, the planet they're going to be heading to . Mal shoots that down, because there's too much Alliance presence there. They exposit that if they get caught with Alliance goods, they'll lose their ship. Zoe suggests just dumping the cargo. Jayne takes umbrage at that. Or he would, if he knew what "umbrage" was. He's angry because he signed on to do gigs that paid, and he's not getting paid. Mal asserts authority in his typical snarky fashion by essentially telling Jayne to shut up, but agrees that their last few gigs really haven't paid. They have to find a way to sell this cargo or they won't have enough money to keep flying. Zoe brings up Badger's suggestion of going out to the hinterplanets. Mal says he's thinking of contacting somebody named Patience on a planet called Whitefall. Zoe doesn't think that's a good idea. Apparently, the last time they worked with Patience, she shot Mal. They go over a list of other potential clients. Mal dismisses them all for sundry reasons, such as some of them being dead. Mal mentions Reavers killing a guy they did business with so that Jayne can both foreshadow and aftshadow how nasty they are. Mal concludes that Patience is the best option. He concludes that Patience actually shot Mal due to a "legitimate conflict on interest," and he bears no grudge. I'm trying to figure out what Mal means there, and the best answer I can come up with was that he was actually trying to screw her over and she found out.
They arrive back at the ship as Kaylee is greeting a passenger, a guy by the name of Dobson, played by Carlos Jacott, who has played small roles in episodes of Buffy and Angel. Recycling actors is good for the environment. He was also in Bats. I'm sure he's frequently apologizing to people for that. ["Poor Ramon. I don't think Noah Baumbach movies pay very well." -- Sars] Anyway, Dobson makes his way onto the ship. Mal watches Wash pull some cargo onto the ship with the ATV. After it passes by, he turns to see Simon for the very first time, standing off to the side, wearing a full three-piece suit and red-tinted glasses with round frames. He's very Dr. Strangelove-meets-Ford Modeling Agency. He and Mal both size each other up and imagine each other naked. Kaylee introduces them to each other.
Inside the cargo bay, people mill around, stowing things, looking though the in-flight magazines, and making hand-puppets with the barf bags. Zoe meets with Mal over by one of the staircases and points out that they now have several civilian passengers to go along with their illegal cargo. Mal insists that nobody will be able to find their secret compartment.
Inara's shuttle returns to Serenity, and Wash greets her through the communicator. Inara is totally unsurprised that they need to leave in a hurry. She docks with the ship, and everybody prepares for take-off. The camera lands on Simon, trying to look more sinister than pretty, with mixed results, as the music suddenly turns tense. Gee, I wonder if this Simon guy is going to turn out to be some evil troublemaker?
Commercials. Did you know that current laws permit women to buy their own damned jewelry? It's true, you know. God, I hate Christmas commercials.
When we return, Mal is doubling as flight attendant in the mess area. There's food -- protein, all the colors of the rainbow. Well, that's better than most airline fare. Ech. Sorry. It's getting a little Premium Blend in here. During the introductions, everybody finds out that Book is a preacher man. Book wonders if that's a problem. Mal says it's not. He tells everyone they're allowed to come to the dining area at any time, but other than that, they're to stay in their quarters unless they have an escort. Simon points out that he has personal belongings in the cargo bay. Mal says that he figured people would need to get to their luggage, so they'll do that as soon as orientation is over.
Mal shifts gears to tell a nice little lie in order to deal with the stolen goods. He tells them all that he's been ordered by the Alliance to drop off some medical supplies on Whitefall before heading to Boros. Simon asks what the medical supplies are. Mal says he didn't ask. Zoe steps in to lie about insulin and plasma and such. See that dragging behind you? That's the plot. Speed it up, folks. Mal sends Zoe to escort the passengers back out to the cargo bay to get their Gameboys and MP3 players out of their luggage.
After they're gone, Mal asks Wash if he contacted Patience. He says he has, but hasn't heard back. Wash points out again that Patience once shot Mal. This joke isn't so funny that we need the rule of three here.
Simon tries to look sneaky as he goes through his stuff in the cargo bay. Dobson stumbles over him "by accident" as he's getting some of his bags. Book takes a bag and a wooden box up some stairs to the catwalk overlooking the cargo bay. Mal happens to be hanging out there with Kaylee. Book hands the bag and box over to Kaylee.
Downstairs, Dobson continues to overact "clumsy" for some unknown reason.
Back up on the catwalk, Mal greets Inara as she heads out of her shuttle. He calls her "ambassador" again. Kaylee and Inara greet each other with warm "hey, yous." Mal introduces Book to Inara. She notes that it's the first time they've had a preacher on board. Book says that he didn't expect to see a "state official" either. I roll my eyes as the unfunny joke that's been telegraphed since the beginning of the episode finally lands when Mal explains that Inara's really a space hooker. He even calls her a whore, even though Inara insisted to him when they first met that he not use that term. Mal says that, actually, Inara is a sort of ambassador. He explains that there are a number of planets that won't let you land if you don't have a quality "companion." Why? This is one of the things that has been said repeatedly on the show but hasn't been explained. Why do some planets insist you have a hooker in order to land? Are they that hard up? And considering that it's been explained that it's very rare for cargo ships to have a companion on board, does that mean that there are planets out there that simply don't do trade? Mal takes great amusement at Book's discomfort at discovering Inara's occupation. Inara insists that it's okay; she normally keeps to herself. She turns to walk away. Mal asks if she doesn't want to meet the other passengers. She responds, "Why don't you make sure they want to meet me first," as she walks off.
Kaylee joins Inara as they walk up the stairs. Kaylee asks how many men wanted to sweep Inara off her feet and get her to leave this life and give them the milk for free. Inara says that there was just the one.
Later, Kaylee carries some goods into the mess area. She opens the little box that Book gave her and pulls out…a strawberry. She bites into it with ecstasy. I understand. I'm that way with raspberries.
Cut to group dinner. Everybody talks over each other. Book asks if Mal has a problem with him saying grace. Mal responds, "Only if you say it out loud." Up in the heavens, God responds, "Oh, waaaaah! I didn't take your side. Did I declare war on the Alliance? Have you seen the stuff in the Bible? Suck it up, Broody McRebel." Book looks annoyed, but then does hold a silent grace. Even Jayne participates. Heh. Mal ignores them and eats.
Simon asks Mal if the Alliance frequently orders him to make trips for them. Mal snarks that that's what governments do. Oh, whatever. Go sit in your underground bunker and eat canned peaches and read Soldier of Fortune. Jayne amusingly responds, "We're just happy to be doing good works." I should be annoyed that Jayne's intelligence and wit is so inconsistent, but it's Adam Baldwin. Dobson mentions that he's heard the hinterplanets are sad places full of famine and plague so that Zoe can explain what the universe is like for our benefit. Bleargggh! Bad exposition! Bad! He lives in this damned universe. Given what we find out about him later, he must know all of this. This is like somebody coming up to me and saying, "I hear there are these things called cars. What exactly do they do?" Zoe and Mal explain how tough it is for the folks settling out on the hinterplanets.
Mal hears the tense, sinister music playing, so he realizes something's wrong and rushes up. Wash tells Mal that somebody on the ship went on the Cortex and contacted the nearest Alliance ship. Wash scrambled it, but he doesn't know how much got through. Mal says something lengthy in Chinese ("I just can't get enough WWE Smackdown! Or Girlfriends!"). Wash says they've got a mole on board. Hmmm. Could it be Simon? Could it be Book? Or could it be the guy we've never seen before? That's a poser.
But Mal's made up his mind, regardless of the fact that we all know what's coming and that these few scenes will have all the dramatic impact of an episode of Reba. We cut to Simon, looking over a large metal container in the cargo bay. He turns around, and Mal's there. He quips, "Forget your toothpaste?" and punches Simon right in his pretty little kisser. Simon goes down, but comes back up demanding to know what the hell is going on. Mal is certain Simon is a fed. Simon insists he doesn't know what Mal is talking about. Mal pulls a gun on him and demands to know what Simon told the Alliance. Just then, Book wanders out of a nearby corridor and says that Mal's got the wrong guy. Book looks meaningfully up on the catwalk. Mal and Simon look up to see the guy we've never seen before up there with a gun. How Book knew the guy was up there before he even entered the cargo bay is beyond me.
Dobson orders Mal to drop the gun. He does, and raises his hands, assuming that they've been caught for scavenging. But no, it's not Mal he's after. Dobson tells Simon that he's been bound by law. It takes Mal a moment to process this, but then he asks if there's a reward. Heh. Everything gets tense as Dobson starts getting all L.A.P.D., demanding Simon get on the floor even though he's unarmed and using threats and intimidation on Book and Mal. He accuses Mal of harboring fugitives, even though of course Mal had no idea. Mal realizes that now they're all in trouble, so now his neck hairs are getting up. He and Book and Dobson bicker back and forth. Dobson threatens to shoot Book. The argument starts getting louder. Then Kaylee and Jayne walk into the cargo bay to see what's going on. Dobson reacts to the sound of Kaylee's voice and instinctively shoots her in the gut. She goes down. Simon and Mal rush over to Kaylee. Even Inara rushes down from her shuttle when she hears the fight. In the moment of confusion, Book disarms Dobson and punches him out. As the others tend to Kaylee, Jayne strides over to Book and orders him to get out of the way so he can get to Dobson. Book says, "You're not killing this man." Jayne responds, "Not right away." Book insists that Dobson is no longer a threat. Kaylee, still conscious, hears that and mutters out a shocked, "What?" Jayne pulls his gun on Book, but above him on the catwalk, Zoe pulls out her sawed-off shotgun and overrules him, ordering him to tie Dobson up.
Simon orders Kaylee to try to stay conscious. He asks her if she can move her feet. She whispers, "Why? Are you asking me to dance?" See? She already knows he's gay. Simon asks if they have a working infirmary. Mal tells him that they do. The Wash comes on to the communicator and tells them all that they've been hailed by an Alliance cruiser and ordered to stay on their current course so that they can be intercepted. Simon stands up and tells Mal to turn the ship around and run. Mal refuses. Simon says he won't treat Kaylee unless he does. They argue. Zoe warns him that if Kaylee dies, he won't even make it to the feds. Simon points out that Kaylee would still be dead. Mal gives a "spoiled rich brats getting away with murder" speech. Simon insists that they turn the ship around. Everybody argues some more. Kaylee starts sobbing, so Mal gives the order to turn the ship around.
After a CGI shot of Serenity making a U-turn, we cut to the infirmary, where Mal and Simon place Kaylee on the table. Simon arranges for Kaylee's treatment and sends Inara to get his bag. We see some shots of surgery, with Simon pulling the bullet out. You know, Sean Maher does look a little more sinister in this episode. I'm not quite sure what it is. I think they try to arrange the cameras so that he's frequently shot from slightly beneath him. Mal and Inara watch the surgery. Outside, Jayne nervously peers through one of the windows. Awww.
After the surgery, Simon cleans up and says he can't do anything else until Kaylee stabilizes. And he's not even sure if that's going to happen yet. Inara wonders out loud what's going on with Simon and the mole. Mal says, "Let's find out," and strides out of the infirmary to the cargo bay. Simon chases after him and tells him to stay away from his cargo, but Jayne comes up behind him and grabs him in a headlock. I imagine that's what passes for foreplay for Jayne. Mal asks where Dobson is. Jayne says he's secured, and Book's with him because he seems to think he's not safe alone with the man-ape gone wrong. Mal pulls out the large metal container Simon brought with him. Mal pops open the lid, over Simon's protests. At first glance, it's a shipment of dry ice. But eventually it starts to evaporate, and there's a girl in the box. A naked girl. Whoever could she be? What a surprising development! But who is she? Dammit! They send us to commercials first and leave us hanging.
If you are involved in any way, shape, or form with Kangaroo Jack, you are required by restraining order to stay at least one hundred yards away from me. Really, it's for your own good.
When we return from commercials, Simon insists that he has to provide medical assistance to the mysterious naked girl. Mal seems to think that the girl is some sort of sex slave for Simon. Yeah, right. Suddenly the girl sits up in the box with a gasp, scaring everybody. Then she starts freaking out, and crawling around the box, and freaking and crawling and crying and overacting. Simon breaks free of Jayne and runs over to the girl and calms her down. It turns out her name is River. She eventually recognizes him and starts wailing, "Simon, they talk to me. They want me to talk and…" So this must be when she discovered she had been programmed to receive Radio KRZY. Simon hugs her and assures her that they're safe now. Mal asks what's going on. Simon tells him that River's his sister.
Cut to a meeting in the mess room, where Simon explains River's history and the Academy and stuff. We've heard this all before, and I'm about to hit page 296 of this recap so I'll gloss it over: Simon and River are geniuses. They sent River to some mysterious school they had never heard of. It turns out they were doing nasty experiments on her. She sent him a coded letter that read: "They're hurting us. Get me out." Zoe asks how Simon saved River. In some new information for once in the show, Simon exposits that there was a mysterious underground group who told Simon what was going on and offered to rescue River for him if he helped fund them. He did, so a bunch of people we've never seen were responsible for freeing River.
After Simon's story, Mal tells him it's sad and all, but they're still in a whole lot of trouble. Wash doesn't know how much information Dobson was able to pass along. I would guess that it couldn't have been much, because otherwise the remainder of the series would have made no sense. Jayne asks what they're going to do. Mal decides they're going to finish their job on Whitefall. Simon asks about himself and River. Mal says that if Kaylee lives, they'll get off on Whitefall. If she doesn't, then, well, Simon will be kissing Mr. Vacuum. Everybody starts arguing over whether Mal has the right to murder the boy. The arguing goes on for several minutes, but Mal shuts everybody down by demanding, "The way it is is the way it is. We got to deal with what's in front of us." Inara says that Simon and River wouldn't last a day in Whitefall, and if Mal boots them off, she's leaving, too. Mal responds, "It might be best you do. You ain't part of this business," and walks out of the meeting.
Just outside the room in the corridor, Simon confronts Mal to find out exactly what it is they do. He asks why Mal is so afraid of the Alliance. Mal warns him against pursuing this line of questioning. Simon suggests that Mal would probably sell him out for a pat on the head, and theorizes that Mal would make a good Alliance bellboy. That, of course, is Mal's cue to give Simon another closed-fist love tap. For some reason, the punch sounds like a gunshot.
Cut to Dobson, tied up in his quarters. Mal rips off the duct tape gagging him and starts interrogating him about how much information he passed on to the Alliance. Jayne's there, too, looming over them both. He's standing on a step we can't see, making him look like he's eight feet tall. Anyway, Mal explains that he's given Jayne the task of getting the information from Dobson. Jayne pulls out a knife and says, "He was not specific as to how." Mal stage-whispers to Jayne that he's not to hurt Dobson, just scare him. Jayne observes, "Pain is scary." That depends on who's -- sorry.
After Mal leaves, Jayne walks over to Dobson, who tries to warn him of all the trouble they're in. Jayne sarcastically observes, "Gee, I've never been in trouble with the law before." Dobson explains that Simon's cargo is considered very valuable. Jayne reveals that they all know the "cargo" is actually a girl: "I don't think she's all there, you know. Of course, not all of her has to be." How lascivious. Thankfully for the HoYay crowd, he's expressed far more fascination with Simon than River since then. Dobson warns Jayne that even if he kills him, the Alliance will continue to pursue them. Jayne playfully slaps Dobson on the thigh with the flat of his knife blade and insists that he's not going to kill him. He's just going to cut Dobson for a while, until Dobson reveals how much he told the Alliance about them. Dobson spits out immediately that the Alliance knows everything about them. Jayne reads Dobson's face for a moment and determines that he's lying and that the Alliance doesn't know a damned thing about them. Jayne mocks Dobson for being an officer of the law and not being able to withstand an interrogation and tell a decent lie. Dobson switches gears and tells Jayne that River's worth a lot of money. If he helps Dobson, Jayne could get enough of a reward to get his own ship. Jayne asks if helping Dobson out would require him turning on the captain. Dobson tells him that it would. Jayne looks at him meaningfully. So that's why they had that stupid fight at dinner. They want to make us think that Jayne would betray Mal, though we already know from both "Ariel" and "Bushwhacked" that any attempt to sell out Simon and River hinged on his not getting the rest of the crew in trouble.
Meanwhile, Mal heads up to the bridge to find out from Wash that there's a ship approaching. Mal worries that the Alliance has caught up with them, but it's not an Alliance ship. It's a much older vessel that isn't used much anymore. Mal demands more information. Wash can't see the ship yet, but scans tell him that there's a lot of radiation coming from the ship because it's operating without core containment. Wash points out that doing so is tantamount to suicide. Mal looks out the window and declares, "Reavers." We see a shot of the ship floating outside, even though Wash just said it was too far away for a visual. The tense Percussion Of Ridiculously Improbable Space Cannibals plays as Wash and Mal look horrified.
Commercials. What I want to know is how these Bod people can afford this huge media blitz every Christmas and Valentine's Day. It's not like anybody actually buys that stuff.
When we return, we see shots of various crewmembers doing various things as Mal explains to them through the intercom that they're approaching a Reaver ship. Book is praying over Kaylee in the infirmary. Mal tells them that the ship may be heading somewhere in particular, or they may have already "hit somebody" already. Mal says that everybody needs to stay calm. If they try to run, the Reavers will chase them. They just have to stay the course and hope they don't respond. Mal concludes by ordering Zoe up to the bridge.
Simon chases Zoe down the corridor to ask what the hell the Reavers are. I should be retroactively annoyed that this means they've explained to Simon what Reavers are in two different episodes, but it's not like the writers had any choice in the matter. Zoe explains about them being space cannibal rapists. Simon heads to the infirmary to be with River, who is sleeping on the other table.
we cut outside for a brief shot of Serenity approaching the large, ungainly Reaver ship. Inside, Inara opens up a little case that contains a needle, one would assume in order to choose suicide over being raped to death. Or perhaps she's just diabetic. Jayne loads his guns in his quarters. There are blurry pictures on the wall behind Jayne. We can't make them out. They could be women. Or men. Or guns. Or possibly even food.
The ships slowly pass each other. On the bridge, Wash points out something called a magnetic grappler that the crazy improbable space cannibals use to grab ships. Time slows to a crawl. Eventually, Serenity passes by the Sakalava, but the ship doesn't respond. Everybody is relieved. Zoe exposits that the Reavers are working their way closer to developed planets.
We cut to the infirmary, where Mal watches River sleep. Kaylee calls out to him. She's woken up and seems to be in okay shape. She worries that she can't feel anything below her stomach and is getting cold. Mal tells her to rest, and covers her with a blanket. Kaylee assures him that she'll be okay and that Simon fixed her up nice. She adds that Simon's nice, too. Mal calls her "duck liver" and warns her not to crush too hard on Simon, because he's gay. And also, he's not going to be on the ship for long. Kaylee says that Mal's nice, too. Mal insists that he's a "mean old man." Kaylee says that Simon wouldn't have let her die. She insists that what happened to her was nobody's fault, and begs Mal to remember that. Mal says he'll try. Kaylee concludes that Mal's always looking out for them, then looks over at River and calls her a "real beauty." Then she falls asleep. Mal lets her hand flop down. I didn't even realize when I watched this the first time that we were supposed to conclude that Kaylee had just died. Because, you know, duh.
Simon's in Inara's quarters, begging some medical supplies off her. It seems she has some basics he can use, like immunization kits. I don't think you can get STDs from being shot, Simon. Simon aftshadows that the medical supplies they've got in the infirmary are very rudimentary. He thanks her for her help. Inara tells him that Kaylee's very dear to all of them. Simon apologizes for his role in her shooting. He stammers and tries to explain how he's never been in this situation before. Inara observes, "You're lost in the woods. We all are, even the captain. The only difference is he likes it that way." That's Mal's cue to walk in and blather that the woods are the only place he can see a clear path. Whatever. It order to be witty, what you say has to make some sort of sense. Mal demands to know what Simon's doing there. Inara snarks that she gave Simon a free "thrust," since he's not long for the world. Mal obviously doesn't believe her because, you know, Simon. Simon leaves as Mal and Inara argue about whose shuttle this is and whether or not Mal can enter unasked. We know that he's going to keep on doing it, so let's just move on. Mal says that he thought Inara was leaving. Inara responds, "I guess that depends on you." Plus you're all still in the middle of deep space. Did you think she was just going to put on a spacesuit and drift on over to the Reaver ship?
Simon walks across the catwalk above the cargo bay. Mal follows him out from Inara's shuttle to confront him. He warns Simon that he's put Inara in danger as well by what he's done. He asks if Simon has a plan for dealing with Dobson. Simon admits that he doesn't. Mal warns him that something is going to have to be done with Dobson when the time comes. Mal thinks Simon should be the one to deal with Dobson, but he doesn't think Simon has the guts. Or the time. Simon is confused about Mal's comment about time. Mal casually observes that Kaylee's dead, and walks away.
After Mal turns away, Simon rushes down the stairs. The Sad Violin Of We All Know Kaylee's Not Dead, So Knock It Off plays as we see Book walking into the infirmary in slow motion. Simon runs down the corridor and down the stairs. He looks into the infirmary to see that Kaylee's awake, talking to Book. She waves at Simon. Simon waves back, then mutters under his breath, "That man's psychotic!"
Cut to the bridge, where Jayne, Wash, Mal, and Zoe are all laughing at Mal's evil prank. Mal confirms to them all that Kaylee's going to be okay. He gives Simon some faint praise for being a good doctor. And an easy mark. And easy on the eyes.
A monitor on the bridge beeps, alerting them all of an incoming call. Mal sits down and flips on some switches. An older woman who looks a little like the late Quentin Crisp pops up on the monitor. This would be Patience. She's wearing a giant space-western hat. They blather on about their last encounter, where Patience shot Mal. Yes, that's all been established. She asks about the goods, wondering why Mal's price is so reasonable. He explains about the Alliance imprints. She's not afraid of no Alliance. She owns half of Whitefall. Eventually, Patience decides that Mal's being honest, so they can deal. She tells him she'll upload meeting coordinates.
Yay! Problem solved! Now they just have that fed to deal with. Mal says, "I do believe that woman is planning to shoot me again." What? Dammit. Jayne explains that the fact that Patience didn't even bother to haggle the price down indicates that she has no plan to actually pay him. Oh. My career as a space pirate would be really, really short, I think. Zoe says that they don't have to deal with her, but Mal says they really do. Jayne suggests that they shoot her first. Wash points out that it is her turn. Mal says that still doesn't get them the money. Zoe starts suggesting that they "try [their] luck" with some other plan, causing Mal to angrily explain that their luck hasn't been the best the past couple of days. But you got Simon! Sure, he came with a gun-toting fed and a crazy sister, but isn't he worth it? He's so pretty. Mal insists that if they depend on luck, they'll end up broke and shipless. That's not going to happen. He insists that Patience has got money and will pay, one way or another. As he says they're going to deal with all these obstacles, we cut up to Dobson's quarters to see him cutting through his bonds with some unidentified sharp object.
Commercials. Those commercials about drug money funding terrorism are true. These other commercials say so. Somebody needs to sit the folks at the Office of National Control Drug Control Policy down and explain to them all the concept of "circular logic." And also tell them that these two obnoxious men in their current ad make me want to inject heroin directly into my eyeballs.
When we return, Serenity lands on the lovely dustball known as Whitefall. It looks like every other hinterplanet they've landed on so far. Jayne, Mal, and Zoe head out to meet Patience and deal with whatever she's got planned for them. Zoe observes to Mal that their meeting spot is a perfect place for an ambush. Jayne scurries up and explains that he buried all the McGuffins. We get the "funny" little scene shown in the pre-season promos of Jayne testing his communicator with Mal standing right to him. Jayne checks to see if Mal can hear him. Mal says he can, because Jayne is standing right there. I have to tell you that this little scene made me positively dread Firefly over the summer, because I didn't find it funny at all. Fortunately, it wasn't indicative of the type of humor on the show. Mal theorizes about how Patience's ambush will go: she'll show them the money; they'll tell her where they've buried the goods; then she'll signal snipers on the hills to shoot them all dead. Mal sends Jayne around to take out the snipers before Patience arrives. Jayne snarks, "Are you sure you just want to piss yourself and back down like you did with Badger?" They had to give Jayne that line in order to set up some "dramatic conflict" in a couple of scenes. Mal tells Jayne not to kill anybody if he doesn't have to. After Jayne scurries off, Zoe says that Patience will still have the advantage over them. Mal says, "Everyone always does. That's what makes us special." And cancelled.
Back on Serenity, Book quietly makes his way over to Dobson's quarters. He whispers that he thinks Dobson may indeed be in danger, and slides open the door to the room. But rather than listening to what Book has to say, Dobson, who has freed himself, zips out of the room and knocks Book out with a heavy bottle. After Book goes down, Dobson strikes the floor a couple of times with the bottle. Oops -- I think we were supposed to think he hit Book, but the camera angle makes it too obvious that he didn't. And it's a good thing that Dobson's such an unreasonable asshole, making his final fate much less of an ethical problem than it could have been. We don't want our antiheroes to be too anti.
Back on the planet, Zoe and Mal stride into the ambush spot and meet up with Patience and her minions. She's got five men with her on horseback, and one other pulling a transport ATV. Patience is dressed like a Mexican bandito from the old Westerns. They give greetings. Zoe points out that she brought an awful lot of men with her. Patience says that she couldn't be sure Mal wasn't there to surprise her with some karma. Mal insists that's not the case. They're just here for a deal.
Up on the ridge, we see a sniper on the ground, watching through the scope of his rifle. We see only his upper body. Suddenly, the sniper is dragged left off-camera. Heh. Then Jayne crawls his way into the frame and takes possession of the rifle. He looks through the rifle sight and focuses on Mal's head. See, we're supposed to think that there's a possibility that he would shoot Mal. It's too bad we already know that he's loyal to the crew, though not to passengers.
Back on the ship, Dobson makes his way into some room where all his junk is stored. He pulls out some sort of device that would connect him to the Cortex, but it's been scrambled so he can't make a connection. He tosses it away in a huff. He pulls two guns out of a duffel bag, and tucks one into his pants.
Back on the planet, Patience says she doesn't see the cargo. Mal explains that he buried it. Patience will get the coordinates when he gets the money. Patience asks if she's expected to take it on faith that Mal's actually got the goods. Mal pulls open his jacket -- in slow motion -- to reveal that he's armed, and also to pull out one of the McGuffin bars in his pocket. Are we supposed to be surprised that he's armed? What was the point of the slow-motion and the windy sound effect? He tosses the bar over to Patience. It turns out the metallic coloring is just a wrapper. The bars are actually foodstuffs, laden with proteins, vitamins, and immunization supplements. I can't believe they went through so much effort in order to try to fool the viewer about the nature of the goods. Maybe they should have spent less time on these little touches and more time trying to make the Reavers make any sort of sense. Patience determines that the goods are legit, tosses Mal a sack of money, and asks where the rest is.
Cut back to the infirmary. Suddenly River opens her eyes and gets up, calling out for Simon. She's wearing one of Inara's robes. Kaylee looks over and asks River what's wrong. River ignores her, realizing that it's time to start getting herself into danger. She walks out of the infirmary; Dobson jumps out of nowhere, grabs her, and puts a gun to her head. He pulls the other gun out and points it at Kaylee, warning her that if she says anything, he'll shoot her in the throat this time.
Back at the ambush, Mal has just finished explaining where the McGuffins are buried. So they're all finished up here? They are. Well then. Well then. Everybody just stands there, facing each other, both sides pretending that they don't know about the ambush. Obviously, Patience had instructed her sniper to fire once she found out where the goods were, but of course, that's not going to happen now. Silence spins out. Continents drift. Suns burn out. Phil asks who will be eliminated tonight on The Amazing Race. Finally, Mal asks them to turn around and leave first. Patience explains that there's a little hitch. She says she doesn't let go of money unless she has to, which is why she runs a planet, and Mal's just a little space pilot.
Up on the ridge, Jayne stops having fun pointing the gun at Mal's head and drifts over to target Patience's men.
Mal throws the money back to Patience and tells her there's no reason to go killing anybody. Patience starts lecturing Mal about how stupid he is so that it's more dramatic when he makes a fool out of her. He points out the guy on the horse standing to her, loudly pointing out his rifle and asking if he's her best shooter. He is. Patience brags about how great an aim he's got. Mal points out his ridiculous top hat, so that Jayne knows who to aim for. Jayne gets the hint and shoots the guy in the head, knocking the hat off and also killing him. Gunplay ensues. Mal and Zoe take out a couple of Patience's men. Then Zoe gets shot right in the chest and goes down. Ouch.
Cut to Wash on the bridge with Simon. Wash tells Simon that maybe he could convince Mal to drop him off somewhere better than Whitefall. Simon says that Wash doesn't have to worry about him. Wash says that when Zoe's out on a mission, he's got plenty of worry to spread around. Suddenly, Kaylee's voice comes over the intercom, warning them all that Dobson took River. She's managed to work her way over to the speaker in the infirmary somehow. Simon runs off down a corridor. Wash starts to follow, but suddenly his call waiting goes off.
Back on the planet, gunplay continues. Mal shoots some more. Jayne shoots some more. More men go down.
Simon rushes down to the catwalk over the cargo bay as Dobson punches the button to open the loading door, River in tow. Simon aftshadows his tendency to throw himself at men who are all wrong for him by hurling himself off the catwalk on top of Dobson. It would have been funny if this had been some sort of recurring joke -- pretty, "civilized" Simon constantly hurling himself bodily at the bad guys. This is the third time. Well, the first, actually. You know what I mean. Both men go down. Dobson's guns go skittering away on the ground. River backs away toward the stairs.
The gunfight continues on Whitefall. It turns out that Zoe isn't dead. She manages to pull herself up enough to shoot one of the men on horseback. Patience gets down off her horse and uses it as cover. The cops on Animal Precinct go, "Oh, no! She didn't!" A man grazes Mal's shoulder with a bullet, but he takes him down. That just leaves Patience. Zoe, it turns out, was wearing her body armor, so she's just very painfully bruised instead of dead. Mal tells Zoe that she was right for saying it was a bad idea. Patience orders Mal not to take another step. He considers the situation for a second, then points his gun and shoots the horse. He shot an innocent horsey! Screw the ASPCA. The horse falls on top of Patience, trapping her. Mal strides over, points the gun at her head, and demands his money. She gives it to him.
Then Jayne comes running down the hill. Wash called him. He said he's got the Reavers on the other line, and they want to know if they can come by for dinner. Yes, that's right -- after totally ignoring them before, now the Reavers have suddenly decided to follow them to Whitefall. Wondering how the crazy, suicidal Reavers were able to track where Serenity was going, but the big, bad, all-powerful Alliance couldn't? Don't ask silly questions. We cut to a really cool CGI shot of the Reaver ship entering the planet's atmosphere.
Commercials. We return to the ship, where Dobson and Simon are both splayed out on the floor still. Dobson recovers first and starts crawling over to his gun. He grabs it, but then Simon jumps on top of him to try to wrestle it away. Dobson knocks Simon away into canisters and grabs the gun. Simon, however, grabs Dobson's other gun and trains it on him. Wash comes on the speaker and warns them all that Reavers are coming and they're taking off in one minute. Now that Dobson's at a disadvantage, he's that wheedling cop, all, "I know you're not a killer. I'm just doing a job. I'm upholding the law." That sort of thing. Simon, trained to respect authority figures, appears to be backing down.
The space-grit-cam goes in and out of focus as it follows the Reaver ship down to the surface. The CGI effects for these scenes are really good, even if the Reavers are ridiculous. Wash worries. Jayne, Zoe, and Mal ride back to the ship on Patience's horses. The ones they didn't brutally shoot.
Back in the cargo bay, Dobson tells Simon that there's no place he can take River where the Alliance can't find her. He says that River won't be hurt, unless Simon hurts him. Simon is nervous, but he doesn't seem to be falling for it, since he knows that River has already been hurt quite a bit. They seem to be at a stand-off.
Then Mal, Zoe, and Jayne arrive at the ship, and the sound of the horses distracts Simon. He turns to look out the cargo door, and that's all Dobson needs to pick up the other gun and open fire. Dobson misses Simon, who falls to the ground. So Dobson strides over to River, who is still cowering behind some space cargo, and grabs her. He points the gun at her head and starts warning that if anybody makes a move, River will get -- BLAM! Dobson's interrupted by Mal. Actually, he's interrupted by Mal's gun. Actually, he's interrupted by a bullet from Mal's gun, which has lodged itself in Dobson's head. Mal casually shoots Dobson dead as he boards his ship. River shrieks in horror. Mal heads over to the body to make sure it's dead. Then he calls for Jayne to help him toss the body off the ship. They do, as Zoe shuts the cargo bay doors and tells Wash they're all aboard.
The ship starts taking off. Mal, Zoe, and Jayne all run up to the bridge to play backseat pilot. The Reaver ship is getting close. Mal worries about the Reavers launching the grappling hook. Wash says that he needs Kaylee in the engine room. Jayne rushes down to the infirmary to carry Kaylee over. Mal rushes down to the corridor and orders Inara to get the civilian passengers into her shuttle. If the Reavers attack the ship, they all may be able to escape. We get the requisite romantic tension, as Inara worries that the Reavers will kill Mal. He even touches her on the shoulder as he orders her to go round up the others.
Mal rushes back on the bridge to ask how things are going. Wash "jokes," "I don't mean to alarm anybody, but I think we're being followed." Indeed, we get another cool CGI shot of the Reaver ship chasing after them across the planet surface.
Jayne carries Kaylee out of the infirmary, Book in tow. Inara rushes in to collect Book, Simon, and River. Book insists on helping Kaylee, but tells Simon and River to go with Inara. Book follows Jayne and Kaylee up to the engine room.
After another chase shot, Mal worries that they're getting too close. Wash calls over to Kaylee on the communicator to see if she's in place. She's propped up on a shelf in the engine room, ordering Book and Jayne around. She asks Wash if he wants a "full burn." Wash says not yet, but tells her to get set up for one. She has Book flibble a doohickey.
On the bridge, Zoe worries that a "full burn" in atmospheric conditions will cause some sort of blow-out, or blow-up. Mal realizes that even if it doesn't, the crazy suicidal cannibals would likely do the same thing, so they wouldn't get any distance. Mal tells Wash that they need a Crazy Ivan. No, not a Crazy Ivan! What's a Crazy Ivan? Based on an actual submarine maneuver, a Crazy Ivan is a game of ship chicken, where you head directly at the enemy vessel. Yes, I'm sure those crazy, suicidal space cannibals will cower and dodge when Serenity, which is about a quarter of the size of the Reaver ship, comes barreling through. Wash passes along to Kaylee that they need to do a Crazy Ivan, so she has Jayne fobobble a widget. Jayne is confused and wants to finagle a thingamabob, but Kaylee corrects him. She says, "Okay, no it's real simple," as Jayne opens the panel of the widget and is confronted with blinking lights and a mess of wires. He gives her a "you gotta be kidding" look.
The space-grit-cam shows the Reaver ship preparing to deploy its grapples. Is everybody ready? They're ready. Wash foodles a whatever and Serenity spins around. It turns out that this is really a modified Crazy Ivan. They don't head directly at the Reaver ship. Instead, they pass directly underneath. After they pass by, Wash orders the full burn. Book flibbers a gibbet, and Jayne fadoodies a wooloomaloo. A huge burst of light and fire emanates out of the back of Serenity as it takes off. The Reaver ship gets caught up in the wake and gets blown down toward the planet's surface. They did it!
As Jayne hoots and hollers in the engine room, Zoe gets all lovey-dovey with her heroic Wash and says there's no way the Reavers can follow them now. Except they could do what they did here, which was to follow you at a distance and then pounce after you've landed. But they won't, because they've realized that there's no point in eating you guys; you're already dead. Mal uses the communicator to tell everybody they're out of the woods. Inara and Simon look relieved. Kaylee caresses the side of the engine room and tells the ship that she's a "good girl."
Back on the bridge, Wash says they'll need to find a place to refuel and patch things up. Zoe tells Mal, "Sir? I'd like you to take the helm please. I need this man [Wash] to tear all my clothes off." Wash responds, "Work, work, work." Enjoy it while it lasts. Ow. That was a mean one. Sorry. Well, I hope this show does get all these actors some good gigs if it doesn't get picked up by another network. I wasn't particularly fond of a lot of the writing, but the actors did a good job all-around with what they had. Mal takes over the flying as Zoe drags Wash away.
Inara is treating Book's head wound over on her shuttle for some reason. She suggests that he have Simon look at it, but Book insists it's not bad. She says she's sure he'll be fine. Book responds, "I didn't say that." Inara looks at him, confused. Book asks her if this is what life is like out here in the hinterplanets. Inara says that it is, sometimes. Book says that he left his abbey two days ago, and since then he's seen all this awful stuff. He mentions Mal shooting Dobson and says he's not even sure what Mal did was wrong. Book worries that he's on the wrong ship. Inara says, "Maybe. Or maybe you're exactly where you ought to be." Oh, is she the one to blame for all of Book's annoying lectures? Damn you, Inara! Book bows his head and Inara puts her hand on it, mimicking some sort of absolution gesture.
In River's quarters, Simon tucks River into bed and explains that he gave her a shot to help her get to sleep. He says they're going to find a safe place soon. River feels his face for a bit, like she's blind or something, and says she thought Simon would never come for her. Simon responds, "Well, you're a dummy." River smiles, and Simon hugs her goodnight. Awww.
Up on the bridge, Jayne is busy aftshadowing all his concerns about River. He tells him what Dobson told him about River being "special" and how the Alliance won't stop until they get her back. He thinks they need to dump her and Simon as soon as they can. As Jayne goes to leave, Mal wonders out loud how Dobson got free of his bonds. Jayne insists that it wasn't him. Mal asks if Dobson tried to make a deal with Jayne. He did, but Jayne says the money wasn't enough. Mal asks, "What happens when it is?" Jayne says, "Well…that'll be an interesting day." Mal says, "I imagine it will." Yes, it will. Er, "was." Er…never mind.
Jayne leaves, pushing roughly past Simon on his way out. He just wanted to touch him. Simon comes onto the bridge to talk to Mal. He asks Mal if he needs him to look at the shoulder wound. Trying to get his shirt off already? Mal says it was just a graze. Simon asks where Mal's going to dump them. Mal knows places, but suggests that Simon might want to stay on the move. And Serenity is always moving. Simon is confused. Actually, he thinks Mal is confused. Didn't he want to get rid of them? Mal points out that they could use a medic on board. He gives Simon the least amount of praise that he can get away with by telling him he's not a weakling. Wait till he sees him shirtless. Mal says that as long as Simon follows his rules and keeps River in check, he could stay. Simon asks as politely as possible, "How do I know you won't kill me in my sleep?" Mal responds that if he intends to kill Simon, he'll be awake, he'll be facing Mal, and he'll be armed. Now the punching, though. Mal likes to surprise you with that. Simon asks if he's always this "sentimental." Mal jokes that he had a good day. Simon details all the awful things that happened today. Mal responds, "We're still flying." Simon says, "That's not much." Mal concludes, "It's enough." Well, that's certainly an ironic line with which to end a series.