Safe

Mal assures us that Earth was used up. The Alliance is in charge. He and his crew will take any gig, and "don't much care what it is." As long as it doesn't involve slaves. Or stealing medicine. Or anything else he doesn't want to do.

Then we get the show's first "previouslys." Or rather, "This is stuff that happened previously, but you haven't seen some of it yet, because it was in the original pilot, which we brilliant minds at FOX thought was too talky, so we made them toss together that wretched 'Train Job' episode instead. We don't care if you hate us. We're rolling in money." But anyway, previously: Jayne wondered how Book knows so much about crime. Simon told the crew that River is a genius who had been placed in some academy his family had never heard of before, and she essentially disappeared for two years. One day Simon got a letter that made no sense, and realized that she was sending him a coded message: "They're hurting us." Book insisted to Mal that Simon is a hero for giving up everything to save River. Some men who are very concerned about harsh dishwashing detergents are looking for River. And Sir Benny agreed to have Mal help him smuggle cattle to other planets.

We open to a flashback -- the Tam estate, eleven years ago. The Tams live in a nice house with Asian architectural influences. The swooping of green CGI lights indicates a force field for security. They're all rich and fancible, as Jayne might say. Inside, a young Simon sits in a living room, working with some sort of computer notepad. He's probably about twelve years old, and he's already wearing a vest. A young River peeks up from behind a sofa to tell him that they're in trouble. She explains that they've been cut off from their platoon, and now they're surrounded by soldiers from the Independent side. She immediately decides that they need to resort to cannibalism. You're supposed to be with the Alliance, not the Reavers, sweetie. Simon humors her for a little while, then points out that she's supposed to be practicing for her dance recital. She says she already learned it all. She points to something on Simon's screen and tells him that it's wrong. Simon says that it's directly from his book. River insists that the book is wrong, and the conclusions fallacious. They probably shouldn't have ordered their history books from the publishing empire founded by Ann Coulter. Yes, I'm just begging for crazy hate mail now, aren't I?

Rather than having to deal with River pestering him over his schoolwork, Simon plays the good older brother and humors her some more. River explains that the Independents used dinosaurs to cut them off from their allies. Simon exclaims something in Chinese ("My bathroom is lopsided!"), but then a man comes in to interrupt them. This is Daddy Tam. He chastises Simon for his language. He doesn't go for that potty talk. Simon explains about the dinosaur thing. Daddy Tam says something in Chinese ("I am an evil, evil man, because I am somebody's father"), and excuses Simon's language because dinosaurs were involved. Simon asks Dad if he got the "wave" Simon sent him. He did, after a fashion. There was some sort of technological glitch. Simon claims that if he had some sort of a widget called a "dedicated source box," that wouldn't have happened. Although you'd think a "dedicated source box" sounds like some sort of dreary, gray ambiguous thing that would be sitting in some corner of the twelfth floor of your office building -- and only three people know what it does -- the context suggests that it's actually some multimedia entertainment, office, computer, communication combo platter of super-technology. Simon wants one. Daddy Tam points out that it would allow Simon to access any tyen-shiao duh ("gay frat porn") that was filtered through the "cortex." Daddy Tam forbids it. But it seems as though Mommy Tam has overruled him and ordered Simon a dedicated source box anyway. Daddy tells Simon that he'll repay him by becoming a brilliant doctor. River asks when she's going to get her own box of porn. Not for many years. Simon thanks his dad. We should all thank the casting folks of Firefly (which, if IMDb is correct, are Anya Colloff, Amy McIntyre Britt, and Jennifer Fishman Pate) for doing such a good job getting child actors who actually look and behave like younger versions of Simon and River. Hee. "Fishman Pate."

Anyway, where were we? Daddy Tam asks for some quiet from his two young geniuses so that he can read his newspaper, which is apparently written in Chinese. If my translation is correct, the name of the paper is The Daily Radish. Daddy Tam's request for quiet serves as an ironic segue to the present on Serenity, where adult River is shrieking and freaking out as Simon tries to calm her down. Simon has been trying to get River into the medical bay, but she refuses to go in. She plops down on the sofa outside and declares that he can't just "stick twenty needles in [her] eyes, then ask [her] what [she] sees." I'm sure he wouldn't even have to. Just ask one of our recappers what it's like. I'm sure several of us have had that same experience, except usually self-inflicted. I'd start with Cate, then perhaps Jessica, and maybe Deborah. Simon closes the doors to the bay and tries to calm her down by saying they won't have any tests today. River spits out fake profanities and bitches about people forcing her to dress up like a doll. Simon tries to give her something to calm her down, but she picks up his Fisher Price My First Medical Kit and tosses it across the room. It lands near a stairwell, where Mal just so happens to be walking down.

River sees Mal and says, "You're not him." Then she says something lengthy in Chinese. ("Reach thousands of listeners through advertisements on radio KRZY. For everything from tinfoil hats to perpetual motion machines, reach the most paranoid, yet also the most gullible, consumers in the galaxy.") Simon apologizes to Mal as he cleans up River's mess, explaining that it's a bad day. Mal says that a real bad day is when somebody spooks the cattle they've got holed up in the cargo bay. He explains that if they stampede, they've got nowhere to stampede to, and it turns into a sort of meat grinder. Simon says that River's been nowhere near the cattle. Mal points out that River's voice tends to carry. Yeah, we've all noticed -- all the way across the galaxy, back through time, and right into our tortured eardrums. They're about to land. Mal explains that as soon as they unload, River can scream and shriek as much as she likes, though he would appreciate it if she didn't. River responds calmly, "The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds, given adequate vacuuming systems." And you get that with the new E-Z-Bleeder! Is your obsessive-compulsive disorder interfering with your psychotic murderous rampages? Get the E-Z-Bleeder and say goodbye to bloody messes. And that incriminating evidence! Call KRZY now and place your order. A free box of surgical gloves to the fifty orders.

I really have got to stop recapping late at night.

Mal says that he's okay with the "morbid and creepifyin'" stuff, but the screaming has got to stop. Simon bitterly reminds Mal that River's crazy because of the experiments by people who turned her brain into a "rutting playground." Simon cursed! Well, almost. Stupid fake profanities. Simon continues that he has no idea what might set her off, so if Mal has any ideas, he'd be glad to hear them. Mal responds that he's not the doctor around here, nor is he Simon's baby-sitter. He tells Simon to gag River if he has to.

The ship lands on some planet. Three hicks watch from some trees while cleaning a rabbit. And I don't mean giving little Peter Cottontail a bath either, as I'm pretty sure that generally doesn't involve hanging them upside down from a tree branch. Or the use of a knife. That reminds me that I'm thinking of buying a bunny. As a pet, not for the meat. Anyway, Alpha Hick observes that that a ship like that doesn't come around unless they've got something to sell. He says if Serenity's got something they want, he and his fellow hicks are going to take it. He punctuates this threat by pulling the skin clear off the hanging rabbit. Ooh, I'm so scared! You showed that dead harmless woodland creature who's the boss, didn't you, Alpha Hick?

Credits. You can't take Jasmine Guy from me. I'm not sure why you'd want to, but you can't.

When we return from commercials, The Considerate Cows Of Continuity are calmly unloading from Serenity into a corral. They have even considerately pooped in neat little piles spaced around the cargo bay so that they're easy to step around. Clearly they've been infected with Polite Cow Disease. I don't know why Mal thought they would stampede. That would be too crass for these cows.

Anyway, despite the good manners of the cattle, Simon has still managed to step in a cow pie. Jayne snarks that it's about time Simon wore in those pretty shoes of his. He just wanted to see Simon bend over. Jayne is pushing the cows on by thwapping them on the back with a length of rope that looks kind of like a whip. Breathe deeply. We can get through a scene of kinky Jayne, as long as you breathe deeply and center yourself. And try not to think about that tight-fitting black shirt he's wearing. Mal joins Jayne and tells him that he could get The Considerate Cows Of Continuity out just as easily by leading them. Actually, they're so considerate that they're pretty much handling it all by themselves. Anyway, Jayne responds, "I like smackin' 'em." Again, deep breaths. Take deep breaths. No, no -- deep, not heavy. You all sound like obscene phone callers. Never mind. I give up.

Book, outside with the corral, worries that the fencing won't hold. He explains that his "shepherd" title is merely figurative. Yeah, I figured that out when nobody listened to you. Wash and Zoe are hanging out to him. Zoe suggests that they smuggle something smaller time. Wash suggests beagles, in what must be an Enterprise shout-out. At least we have two assurances that cute widdle doggies will still be around in the future.

River has wandered over to a cow to mutter nonsense at it. The cow just stares at her -- considerately, of course -- pretending that it understands what she's talking about. Mal points out to Jayne that River ignored the cattle the whole time they were on the ship, but now she feels the need to commune with them. River responds, "They weren't cows inside. They were waiting to be, but they forgot. Now they see sky and remember what they are." Too bad they didn't forget how to poop while they were on the ship. Mal wonders if it's a bad sign that he understood what River just said. Yes, it is. Mal asks River to step back from the corral, harmlessly enough. Simon, though, seems to take offense at this for reasons unknown. Mal explains to Simon that when he's going to do "clandestine dealings," he wants everything to go smoothly. Having River around tends to screw things up. Oh, sure, blame it on her. She's the one who didn't want to sell the stolen medicine to Niska, and got herself "married" off to a con artist, and punched some guy in the face, inciting a duel. Except not. Mal's perfectly capable of screwing up any number of deals on his own. Anyway, Simon snarkily observes, "I'm very sorry if she tipped anybody off about your cunningly concealed herd of cows." There's some rustling in the bushes, which nobody seems to notice. Mal suggests that perhaps Simon could take his sister off for a walk while he deals with business. Simon worries about the Alliance finding them away from the ship. Mal assures him that closest Alliance ship is hours away and won't be coming by. Simon says that he's still not sure it's a wise suggestion. Mal says that he shouldn't mistake it as a suggestion. Why doesn't he just order them back onto the ship? The whole deal is taking place outside anyway. Clearly, Contrivance is the ship's entertainment director. Mal assures Simon that the ship won't leave without them. Ah, I see Foreshadowing has stopped by to help with the navigation.

Cut to the dusty, grimy backwater (but without the water) town of Jiangyin, which I believe is Chinese for "Canton, but with the cameras on the other side of the street." Inara and Kaylee are in one of those backwater gift shops, looking at the future equivalent of pecan logs and personalized license plate key chains. Inara, who is ridiculously overdressed, whines that the merchandise in all these stores is all the same. What has she got against fudge and handmade dream catchers? They argue about whether a figurine is a duck or a swan. It's obviously a duck, but Kaylee argues that it's a swan, carved by somebody with "who really longed to see a swan." I'm playing "spot the anvil" here, wondering if this is all about Kaylee blossoming from a duckling into a swan or something. Not that she needs to. Or should. Or isn't already a swanlike beauty already.

Kaylee turns away from the duck and picks up a plate with some sort of Asian-style painting on it. She asks Inara if it would make a good gift. For whom? For Simon, of course. Honey, if you're thinking of buying Simon table settings, it means that deep down, you know he's gay. Kaylee says that Simon's just so "swai" ("gay") that she could just "take a bite out of him all over." Who knew that Kaylee would have a fetish in common with Marv Albert? Inara interrupts Kaylee's naughty cannibalistic musings to point out that Simon has just wandered in with River in tow. Kaylee tells Simon that she doesn't see him off the ship much, as River goggles at the driftwood clocks and seashell wind chimes. River is drawn to a post-hole digger for some crazy reason, because she's crazy. Also, she's getting psychic messages from Foreshadowing. Simon pulls her away from the landscaping tools, because they're dirty and sharp and they have a man who comes by every morning to do that for them. Simon used to stare out the window and watch him work, and that's when he realized he wasn't like the other boys.

Simon pulls River over to the all dishes and bowls to Kaylee. He looks over the plate that Kaylee was considering as a gift for him. He dismissively says, "Good God! They're asking money for this crap?" Kaylee's smile drops a notch. Fussy queens are so hard to shop for. Simon follows River around the store like a mom making sure her toddler doesn't drool all over everything, as Kaylee says it must be "fun" for the two of them to get some time away from the ship. Simon rants, "Fun? Right, yeah. I consider this fun. It's fun being forced to the ass-end of the galaxy, to get to live on a piece of luh-suh ['nearly cancelled'] wreck, to eat molded protein, and be bullied around by our boo-tai jung-tzhang-duh ['bootylicious stud-puppet'] of a captain." Kaylee, of course, focuses only on Simon's slur against the ship and insists that Serenity isn't a wreck. Simon realizes that he inadvertently insulted Kaylee during his rant and tries that whole "I didn't mean it" thing, but Kaylee believes that he did. Simon goes for condescending and tries to tell Kaylee that he was being "ironic," but Kaylee isn't a character on Dawson's Creek and knows what "ironic" actually means, and knows that Simon was actually just being mean. She concludes, "If that's what you think of this life, then you can't think much of them that choose it, can you?" She stalks out. Inara gives Simon an "if you were a companion, you would learn to suppress your dislike of the lower classes, like I did" look before walking out to join Kaylee. The Tinkly Piano Of Poor Space Trash Have A Right To Be Happy, Too plays as Simon ponders his insensitivity, then turns around to see that River has disappeared. Oops. He rushes out of the gift shop.

Back on Serenity, Zoe asks Mal if he's "sanguine" about docking with the Alliance ship as they all gather in the cargo bay, with Book on a stretcher yet again. This prompts a lengthy discussion about what "sanguine" means. It means "hopeful," but it also means "bloody." I've had nearly this exact conversation with somebody before. I'd claim it as a shout-out, but unless Drew Z. Greenberg is psychic, I'm sure that's not the case. Zoe opens the door to the cargo bay. Several Alliance soldiers point their guns at them menacingly.

The men all load onto the ship, along with the requisite Officious Alliance Bellboy. Zoe offers to show them papers "proving" that they're legit. Bellboy asks what sort of ship they run. Mal says they're a supply ship. Bellboy looks over their paperwork as Zoe explains that they need medical assistance. No response. Mal points out that "it has to be better than slow." Bellboy officiously points out that their official seal is out of date. Then he calls Mal "Captain Harbatkin" to telegraph to us that the papers are fake. Unless Mal has been lying to us all along. Mal claims that they haven't been through a checkpoint in quite some time. Officious Bellboy asks what happened to Book. Zoe starts to make up a lie, but then Mal just decides to blurt out the truth, specifying that they were in no way involved with the shoot-out. Officious Bellboy doesn't really care, though. He was just asking, because he's officious that way. He tells them that they're not an emergency facility and that they don't just allow anybody access to their services. Book, however, has suddenly regained consciousness and rasps over to the Bellboy to check his "ident card." They take some card from Book and scan it into some handheld device. Bellboy reads something for a moment, then orders the men to take Book to the infirmary immediately. Oh, the mystery that is Book. If only I cared, or thought that we'd actually find out what the mystery is before the show disappeared from the airwaves without a trace.

Simon and the Hill People. Simon tells some woman how to keep her bandages clean. River, meanwhile, has taken to staring at a young girl. Butterfly McHillwoman wisely observes that River's not quite right in the head. Simon says that's true, but lies that River is recovering. Butterfly explains that River won't have much luck communicating with the little girl, whose name is Ruby. Ruby's mute. She stopped talking two years ago. Butterfly McHillwoman decides to lay down some mystical black wisdom by suggesting to Simon that River might be better off here in hidden hills. She explains that they'd be safe here, and that they all take care of each other. Simon responds, "Yes. It does seem like a lovely little community of kidnappers." Butterfly quotes the part in the Bible about not judging. Yeah, but then the Bible goes around and judges everybody. And, you know, Irony is over here snickering in the corner. Irony loves the Bible. He gets a lot of work through that book. Simon's not moved by Butterfly's Bible quotes. She says that sometimes life takes you unexpected places. Simon points out that "life" didn't take them here -- three burly woodsmen did. Butterfly points out that Simon and River were on a transport ship, heading somewhere. She says, in her experience, life takes you places blah blah blah mystical hill person wisdom blah blah blah home is where you make it. Did the hill people get a copy of the script or something? That would explain how they know Simon's a doctor. Simon insists that this isn't his home, as he treats a bedridden patient. Butterfly Mystical Hillwoman says, "If it isn't here, then where is it?" Because he was on a transport ship, that means that he's some sort of space drifter? Shut up, Nosy McHillWisdom.

On the Alliance ship, Jayne sniffs around and worries because he's in the clutches of The Man. And there's something mysterious about Book. Zoe, Mal, and Jayne are watching Book's surgery through a window. Zoe asks Mal if he thinks Book has some sort of connection with the Alliance. Mal says it may look like that, but it would surprise Mal if he did. Jayne mutters that this is why he doesn't like to pick up tourists: "They ain't never what they claim to be." Mal does agree that everybody seems to have a "tale to tell." Well, yes -- that's why they put them on the ship that has all the television cameras and writers.

Back with the hicks, Simon turns around to discover yet again that River's gone. So's Ruby. Butterfly McHillWoman offers to check out back. Oh no! What if they got kidnapped? By a group of people who live in the caves on the other side of the hills and snatch people they think they need from the kidnapped people of Hick City? Simon opens another set of doors to find River standing outside, using a piece of cloth to carry a bunch of berries. Simon grabs a bowl and helps River pour the berries in. River insists to Simon that he has to eat. She feeds him a few. They're called hodgeberries -- probably invented in some Monsanto laboratory. This inspires some recollections by Simon -- apparently, the two of them found a bunch of hodgeberry bushes on some private estate, and they thought they were wild. River looks up at him and says, "I took you away from there." Simon says that she didn't, but River insists, "I know I did." River explains that she gets confused. She remembers everything, but she remembers too much, and some of it isn't real, and some are secrets that she can't reveal for another week or so, and some of it is just KRZY programming information. Simon reassures River that it's okay. River says, "You gave up everything you had to find me, and you found me broken. It's hard for you." Simon grasps River's face in his hands and says, "Mei mei ['duck liver'], everything I have is right here." River feeds him another berry and assures him that soon Daddy Tam will come and take them both home, and she'll get better. Simon looks sadly at her and turns away, because he knows that Daddy Tam is a bad, bad man. They sit down at the table. Simon says these berries are better than the ones they had as a kid. River responds, "They are, except they're poison." I know somebody who's going to be hearing from Monsanto's lawyers. Oh, that was just River's idea of a joke. Ha ha!

Just then, Butterfly McHillWoman returns with Ruby. She urges Ruby to get to bed. Simon figures that he and River should do the same. Butterfly explains to Simon that he doesn't have to sleep there -- they've got a house all gussied up for them. They've been looking for a doctor for a while, so they've gotten everything ready. You know, if somebody kidnapped me, but then they gave me a house, I think I might be okay with it.

Then River starts muttering about Ruby's predicament. She says that Ruby's mom went crazy and killed Ruby's sister. Butterfly thinks this means that she got Ruby to talk. She explains to Simon that what River said is true -- Ruby's mom went psycho and tried to kill both her little girls. Ruby survived. Butterfly calls River an "angel" because nobody else has been able to get little Ruby to speak since then. River looks at Butterfly with confusion and says, "Ruby doesn't talk. Her voice got scared away." Then, in River fashion, she's distracted by the sound of crickets. Butterfly is confused and concerned. How does River know what happened to Ruby if Ruby didn't talk? Simon tries to give some explanation, but clearly the hillfolk keep themselves in shape by jumping to conclusions at record speeds. Butterfly quotes the parts in the Bible about evil, magical folk hiding themselves among the commoners. Yeah, but if I've learned anything from Buffy and Charmed, it's that the witches stand out from the crowd with their ridiculous wardrobes, and Riveroh. Right. Carry on, then. Butterfly McHillwoman concludes, "Thou shall not suffer a witch to live!" Uh oh. This Backwater Stereotype Theater has gotten a bit out of control.

Commercials. We return to some Minority Report-esque officious building of authority. Papa Tam is standing at some desk, so we know it's another flashback. A bellboy escorts Simon in. Papa Tam is furious with Simon. He interrupted his dinner with the Friedlichs. Simon sarcastically apologizes, saying that he never would have "tried to save River's life" if he had known there was a dinner party at risk. Pa Tam tells Simon not to be so flippant about it -- bailing him out cost Pa two thousand credits, and simply walking through the door to this holding area or whatever the hell it is will be reported on Pa's "permanent profile." Oh no! He'll never get into an Ivy League school now! Pa asks if Simon is trying to destroy the family. Simon responds, "I didn't realize it would be so easy." He insists that he didn't do anything wrong. Pa says that Simon was in a "blackout zone." Simon says he was just talking to somebody who could help River. What the hell is a blackout zone? Another energy crisis? Have we forgotten Enron? Simon insists that he's going back to that very blackout zone again. Pa warns Simon that he's going down some slippery slope and isn't thinking things through. Simon asks what he means by that. Pa says that he won't come down to bail Simon out the time he gets in trouble. He's on his own. Pa asks if Simon's coming home. Simon regards Pa as if he were a piece of poo. Which he is.

The tolling of a bell brings us back to Hick Town. That would be Butterfly ringing the bell. Simon tells her that this is lunacy, asking Butterfly what exactly it is she teaches the people here. Well, she don't know nothin' about birthin' no babies, but she knows plenty about burnin' witches. Some folks wander over. One guy, whom I shall call "Lothar," asks what the heck is going on. She explains that River's a witch, and describes the mind-reading. Simon insists that River isn't a witch. She's just a little "troubled." Jayne is a little "troubled." River's a loony. Lothar approaches and asks River if she's a witch. He explains that he's the patron there, and asks if River understands what that means. She does. He's in charge. Then she starts babbling about how the old patron died. He was sick, but he was getting better, but then Lothar was alone with him andshe's a witch! A witch! Ignore those lies! She's a witch! Lothar actually smacks River and agrees with Butterfly, accusing River of spinning falsehoods. Lothar, by the way, is one really bad actor. There's a reason I called him Lothar beyond just the Hill People joke. He insists that the evil must purged from River with fire. Men grab her as she starts screaming.