Mal assures us that Earth was used up. The Alliance is in charge. He and his crew will take any gig, and "don't much care what it is." As long as it doesn't involve slaves. Or stealing medicine. Or anything else he doesn't want to do.
Then we get the show's first "previouslys." Or rather, "This is stuff that happened previously, but you haven't seen some of it yet, because it was in the original pilot, which we brilliant minds at FOX thought was too talky, so we made them toss together that wretched 'Train Job' episode instead. We don't care if you hate us. We're rolling in money." But anyway, previously: Jayne wondered how Book knows so much about crime. Simon told the crew that River is a genius who had been placed in some academy his family had never heard of before, and she essentially disappeared for two years. One day Simon got a letter that made no sense, and realized that she was sending him a coded message: "They're hurting us." Book insisted to Mal that Simon is a hero for giving up everything to save River. Some men who are very concerned about harsh dishwashing detergents are looking for River. And Sir Benny agreed to have Mal help him smuggle cattle to other planets.
We open to a flashback -- the Tam estate, eleven years ago. The Tams live in a nice house with Asian architectural influences. The swooping of green CGI lights indicates a force field for security. They're all rich and fancible, as Jayne might say. Inside, a young Simon sits in a living room, working with some sort of computer notepad. He's probably about twelve years old, and he's already wearing a vest. A young River peeks up from behind a sofa to tell him that they're in trouble. She explains that they've been cut off from their platoon, and now they're surrounded by soldiers from the Independent side. She immediately decides that they need to resort to cannibalism. You're supposed to be with the Alliance, not the Reavers, sweetie. Simon humors her for a little while, then points out that she's supposed to be practicing for her dance recital. She says she already learned it all. She points to something on Simon's screen and tells him that it's wrong. Simon says that it's directly from his book. River insists that the book is wrong, and the conclusions fallacious. They probably shouldn't have ordered their history books from the publishing empire founded by Ann Coulter. Yes, I'm just begging for crazy hate mail now, aren't I?
Rather than having to deal with River pestering him over his schoolwork, Simon plays the good older brother and humors her some more. River explains that the Independents used dinosaurs to cut them off from their allies. Simon exclaims something in Chinese ("My bathroom is lopsided!"), but then a man comes in to interrupt them. This is Daddy Tam. He chastises Simon for his language. He doesn't go for that potty talk. Simon explains about the dinosaur thing. Daddy Tam says something in Chinese ("I am an evil, evil man, because I am somebody's father"), and excuses Simon's language because dinosaurs were involved. Simon asks Dad if he got the "wave" Simon sent him. He did, after a fashion. There was some sort of technological glitch. Simon claims that if he had some sort of a widget called a "dedicated source box," that wouldn't have happened. Although you'd think a "dedicated source box" sounds like some sort of dreary, gray ambiguous thing that would be sitting in some corner of the twelfth floor of your office building -- and only three people know what it does -- the context suggests that it's actually some multimedia entertainment, office, computer, communication combo platter of super-technology. Simon wants one. Daddy Tam points out that it would allow Simon to access any tyen-shiao duh ("gay frat porn") that was filtered through the "cortex." Daddy Tam forbids it. But it seems as though Mommy Tam has overruled him and ordered Simon a dedicated source box anyway. Daddy tells Simon that he'll repay him by becoming a brilliant doctor. River asks when she's going to get her own box of porn. Not for many years. Simon thanks his dad. We should all thank the casting folks of Firefly (which, if IMDb is correct, are Anya Colloff, Amy McIntyre Britt, and Jennifer Fishman Pate) for doing such a good job getting child actors who actually look and behave like younger versions of Simon and River. Hee. "Fishman Pate."
Anyway, where were we? Daddy Tam asks for some quiet from his two young geniuses so that he can read his newspaper, which is apparently written in Chinese. If my translation is correct, the name of the paper is The Daily Radish. Daddy Tam's request for quiet serves as an ironic segue to the present on Serenity, where adult River is shrieking and freaking out as Simon tries to calm her down. Simon has been trying to get River into the medical bay, but she refuses to go in. She plops down on the sofa outside and declares that he can't just "stick twenty needles in [her] eyes, then ask [her] what [she] sees." I'm sure he wouldn't even have to. Just ask one of our recappers what it's like. I'm sure several of us have had that same experience, except usually self-inflicted. I'd start with Cate, then perhaps Jessica, and maybe Deborah. Simon closes the doors to the bay and tries to calm her down by saying they won't have any tests today. River spits out fake profanities and bitches about people forcing her to dress up like a doll. Simon tries to give her something to calm her down, but she picks up his Fisher Price My First Medical Kit and tosses it across the room. It lands near a stairwell, where Mal just so happens to be walking down.
River sees Mal and says, "You're not him." Then she says something lengthy in Chinese. ("Reach thousands of listeners through advertisements on radio KRZY. For everything from tinfoil hats to perpetual motion machines, reach the most paranoid, yet also the most gullible, consumers in the galaxy.") Simon apologizes to Mal as he cleans up River's mess, explaining that it's a bad day. Mal says that a real bad day is when somebody spooks the cattle they've got holed up in the cargo bay. He explains that if they stampede, they've got nowhere to stampede to, and it turns into a sort of meat grinder. Simon says that River's been nowhere near the cattle. Mal points out that River's voice tends to carry. Yeah, we've all noticed -- all the way across the galaxy, back through time, and right into our tortured eardrums. They're about to land. Mal explains that as soon as they unload, River can scream and shriek as much as she likes, though he would appreciate it if she didn't. River responds calmly, "The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds, given adequate vacuuming systems." And you get that with the new E-Z-Bleeder! Is your obsessive-compulsive disorder interfering with your psychotic murderous rampages? Get the E-Z-Bleeder and say goodbye to bloody messes. And that incriminating evidence! Call KRZY now and place your order. A free box of surgical gloves to the fifty orders.
I really have got to stop recapping late at night.
Mal says that he's okay with the "morbid and creepifyin'" stuff, but the screaming has got to stop. Simon bitterly reminds Mal that River's crazy because of the experiments by people who turned her brain into a "rutting playground." Simon cursed! Well, almost. Stupid fake profanities. Simon continues that he has no idea what might set her off, so if Mal has any ideas, he'd be glad to hear them. Mal responds that he's not the doctor around here, nor is he Simon's baby-sitter. He tells Simon to gag River if he has to.
The ship lands on some planet. Three hicks watch from some trees while cleaning a rabbit. And I don't mean giving little Peter Cottontail a bath either, as I'm pretty sure that generally doesn't involve hanging them upside down from a tree branch. Or the use of a knife. That reminds me that I'm thinking of buying a bunny. As a pet, not for the meat. Anyway, Alpha Hick observes that that a ship like that doesn't come around unless they've got something to sell. He says if Serenity's got something they want, he and his fellow hicks are going to take it. He punctuates this threat by pulling the skin clear off the hanging rabbit. Ooh, I'm so scared! You showed that dead harmless woodland creature who's the boss, didn't you, Alpha Hick?
Credits. You can't take Jasmine Guy from me. I'm not sure why you'd want to, but you can't.
When we return from commercials, The Considerate Cows Of Continuity are calmly unloading from Serenity into a corral. They have even considerately pooped in neat little piles spaced around the cargo bay so that they're easy to step around. Clearly they've been infected with Polite Cow Disease. I don't know why Mal thought they would stampede. That would be too crass for these cows.
Anyway, despite the good manners of the cattle, Simon has still managed to step in a cow pie. Jayne snarks that it's about time Simon wore in those pretty shoes of his. He just wanted to see Simon bend over. Jayne is pushing the cows on by thwapping them on the back with a length of rope that looks kind of like a whip. Breathe deeply. We can get through a scene of kinky Jayne, as long as you breathe deeply and center yourself. And try not to think about that tight-fitting black shirt he's wearing. Mal joins Jayne and tells him that he could get The Considerate Cows Of Continuity out just as easily by leading them. Actually, they're so considerate that they're pretty much handling it all by themselves. Anyway, Jayne responds, "I like smackin' 'em." Again, deep breaths. Take deep breaths. No, no -- deep, not heavy. You all sound like obscene phone callers. Never mind. I give up.
Book, outside with the corral, worries that the fencing won't hold. He explains that his "shepherd" title is merely figurative. Yeah, I figured that out when nobody listened to you. Wash and Zoe are hanging out to him. Zoe suggests that they smuggle something smaller time. Wash suggests beagles, in what must be an Enterprise shout-out. At least we have two assurances that cute widdle doggies will still be around in the future.
River has wandered over to a cow to mutter nonsense at it. The cow just stares at her -- considerately, of course -- pretending that it understands what she's talking about. Mal points out to Jayne that River ignored the cattle the whole time they were on the ship, but now she feels the need to commune with them. River responds, "They weren't cows inside. They were waiting to be, but they forgot. Now they see sky and remember what they are." Too bad they didn't forget how to poop while they were on the ship. Mal wonders if it's a bad sign that he understood what River just said. Yes, it is. Mal asks River to step back from the corral, harmlessly enough. Simon, though, seems to take offense at this for reasons unknown. Mal explains to Simon that when he's going to do "clandestine dealings," he wants everything to go smoothly. Having River around tends to screw things up. Oh, sure, blame it on her. She's the one who didn't want to sell the stolen medicine to Niska, and got herself "married" off to a con artist, and punched some guy in the face, inciting a duel. Except not. Mal's perfectly capable of screwing up any number of deals on his own. Anyway, Simon snarkily observes, "I'm very sorry if she tipped anybody off about your cunningly concealed herd of cows." There's some rustling in the bushes, which nobody seems to notice. Mal suggests that perhaps Simon could take his sister off for a walk while he deals with business. Simon worries about the Alliance finding them away from the ship. Mal assures him that closest Alliance ship is hours away and won't be coming by. Simon says that he's still not sure it's a wise suggestion. Mal says that he shouldn't mistake it as a suggestion. Why doesn't he just order them back onto the ship? The whole deal is taking place outside anyway. Clearly, Contrivance is the ship's entertainment director. Mal assures Simon that the ship won't leave without them. Ah, I see Foreshadowing has stopped by to help with the navigation.
Cut to the dusty, grimy backwater (but without the water) town of Jiangyin, which I believe is Chinese for "Canton, but with the cameras on the other side of the street." Inara and Kaylee are in one of those backwater gift shops, looking at the future equivalent of pecan logs and personalized license plate key chains. Inara, who is ridiculously overdressed, whines that the merchandise in all these stores is all the same. What has she got against fudge and handmade dream catchers? They argue about whether a figurine is a duck or a swan. It's obviously a duck, but Kaylee argues that it's a swan, carved by somebody with "who really longed to see a swan." I'm playing "spot the anvil" here, wondering if this is all about Kaylee blossoming from a duckling into a swan or something. Not that she needs to. Or should. Or isn't already a swanlike beauty already.
Kaylee turns away from the duck and picks up a plate with some sort of Asian-style painting on it. She asks Inara if it would make a good gift. For whom? For Simon, of course. Honey, if you're thinking of buying Simon table settings, it means that deep down, you know he's gay. Kaylee says that Simon's just so "swai" ("gay") that she could just "take a bite out of him all over." Who knew that Kaylee would have a fetish in common with Marv Albert? Inara interrupts Kaylee's naughty cannibalistic musings to point out that Simon has just wandered in with River in tow. Kaylee tells Simon that she doesn't see him off the ship much, as River goggles at the driftwood clocks and seashell wind chimes. River is drawn to a post-hole digger for some crazy reason, because she's crazy. Also, she's getting psychic messages from Foreshadowing. Simon pulls her away from the landscaping tools, because they're dirty and sharp and they have a man who comes by every morning to do that for them. Simon used to stare out the window and watch him work, and that's when he realized he wasn't like the other boys.
Simon pulls River over to the all dishes and bowls to Kaylee. He looks over the plate that Kaylee was considering as a gift for him. He dismissively says, "Good God! They're asking money for this crap?" Kaylee's smile drops a notch. Fussy queens are so hard to shop for. Simon follows River around the store like a mom making sure her toddler doesn't drool all over everything, as Kaylee says it must be "fun" for the two of them to get some time away from the ship. Simon rants, "Fun? Right, yeah. I consider this fun. It's fun being forced to the ass-end of the galaxy, to get to live on a piece of luh-suh ['nearly cancelled'] wreck, to eat molded protein, and be bullied around by our boo-tai jung-tzhang-duh ['bootylicious stud-puppet'] of a captain." Kaylee, of course, focuses only on Simon's slur against the ship and insists that Serenity isn't a wreck. Simon realizes that he inadvertently insulted Kaylee during his rant and tries that whole "I didn't mean it" thing, but Kaylee believes that he did. Simon goes for condescending and tries to tell Kaylee that he was being "ironic," but Kaylee isn't a character on Dawson's Creek and knows what "ironic" actually means, and knows that Simon was actually just being mean. She concludes, "If that's what you think of this life, then you can't think much of them that choose it, can you?" She stalks out. Inara gives Simon an "if you were a companion, you would learn to suppress your dislike of the lower classes, like I did" look before walking out to join Kaylee. The Tinkly Piano Of Poor Space Trash Have A Right To Be Happy, Too plays as Simon ponders his insensitivity, then turns around to see that River has disappeared. Oops. He rushes out of the gift shop.
Back at the ship, Mal mutters that this is the last time they'll move cows. He yells out to Zoe that they mentioned something about beagles, and asks if their poo is smaller. Just don't feed them cheese. Zoe tells him that this is the case, and adds, "Your disreputable men are here." Mal heads down the hill Serenity is parked on toward the corral and responds, "Better go take their money, then."
Mal heads down to meet the Grange brothers, the two men who are there to buy the cows. Jayne is hanging around with the cattle, smackin' 'em around some more. I never wanted to be a cow until -- sorry! Anyway, the typical negotiations take place where the brothers cast aspersions on the quality of the cows in order to get the price down. But the cows are so considerate! If they could talk, I think they'd be practically begging to be made into pot roasts. I also think they'd have British accents for some reason. They bicker. They negotiate. The men, not the cows. The cows would never bicker. That would be rude. The brothers try to get the price down. Mal points out that they already agreed to a price with Badger. Book walks by and whispers to Mal, wondering if there's a problem. Nope. Mal's sure they'll both end up with an agreement soon. There's a sound of twig breaking, causing the brothers to reach for their guns. Book points out that the brothers are rather jumpy. Well, this is an illegal transaction, you dipwad. Jayne abuses the cows in the background. For you concerned members of the ASPCA, it's pretty clear that Adam Baldwin isn't even really touching them, and the sound effects are added in later. I think.
In town, Simon wanders out into the street to look for River. A pack of lawmen wander by. Simon tries to act inconspicuous, which in Simon's case means acting really, really conspicuous, as he stares at the ground and gives them a bland greeting as they walk by. Then he runs across the street. It wouldn't be fair to say that Simon runs like a girl. Not even girls flail their arms around that much.
Back at the corral, the brothers are suggesting that they might just walk away from the deal entirely. Mal says that would cause them all some big trouble. Just then, Inara and Kaylee wander by on the way back to the ship. Finally, they all agree on the amount that Mal predicted they would agree upon earlier. One of the brothers pulls out a sack full of coins. But just before they can hand the money over, the lawmen Simon encountered back in town burst out of the nearby woods to arrest the brothers for some murder. Oops. Well, Mal can't blame River for this one. Not that he could blame her for any of the others.
Back in town, Simon bounces off walls like a pinball while looking for his sister. You're worried, not drunk. Stop being such a drama queen. He makes his way down some covered alleyway, and finally opens up a curtain to a clearing. In the middle of the clearing is a stage, where people are dancing around in some sort of rendition of an Irish jig. Simon sees River heading up onto the stage. River goggles at everything the way she usually does, as the dancers rush around her. Suddenly she smiles and joins in, giving Summer Glau something to do with the dancing skills that first got her onto Angel. Simon watches and smiles. A guy sweeps up River, and they start dancing around the stage.
Back at the corral, the lawmen have seemingly disarmed everybody, including our Anti-Heroes. They ask Mal who the heck they are. He says they're just bystanders. He asks about the cattle. Mal says it belongs to the Grange brothers. As the lawman heads over to demand "papers" for the cattle (I'm sure cattle that considerate probably have a lengthy pedigree), one of the brothers attacks an officer and manages to snag his gun. He goes to shoot at one of the other officers, but Zoe, way the heck over on a hilltop about two hundred yards away, shoots the gun right out of his hand. She's definitely the sharpshooter of the crew. The other brother, though, has another gun hidden in his boot, and uses the distraction to pull it out and start firing. Mayhem ensues. The anti-heroes drop to the ground. Mal whines about how their escapades never go smoothly. Welcome to the life of a TV bandit, Mal. They try to crawl over to their guns and the money for the cattle.
Back at the dance, River twirls and twirls and twirls. She'd make Stevie Nicks dizzy. The black boots and spandex shorts (yikes) kind of clash with her bright pink skirt and Muppet-fur sweater. Simon watches with joy. Everybody applauds and is happy.
The same cannot be said at the corral, where there's more shooting and crawling and shooting and mooing. ["Sounds like a TWoP writers' meeting. Well, except for the crawling." -- Sars] The violence still hasn't spooked The Considerate Cows Of Continuity. We cut back and forth between the Irish dancing and the shooting. Mal grabs the sack of coins. River dances. People shoot. River dances. People shoot. Riverdance. Shooting. Riverdance. Shooting. Finally, Mal tackles one of the brothers, while the other brother is shot, ending the conflict. But the Riverdancing continues. Mal rushes over to the corral to see Book lying on the ground. He's been shot in the chest.
Back at the party, River suddenly stops dancing, somehow realizing that something bad has happened. I'm annoyed that she didn't realize this until after Mal saw Book's wound. If she's psychic or whatever, wouldn't she have felt the shooting right as it happened? She stops dancing and goggles around in fear. Simon notices something wrong, but just then, somebody rushes up behind him and slips a bag over his head and drags him away. The jig is definitely up now. Um. Sorry. That one just slipped out.
Commercials. Apparently, the Air Force has a dire need for skateboarders and street lugers. I guess they'll be showing the war with Iraq on ESPN2.
We return back to the Not-So-OK Corral. Book lies on the ground bleeding, but not dead. He's barely conscious. He "jokes" to Mal, who is kneeling at his side, that he might need a preacher of his own. Yay! Futurama is back! Oh, sorry. There was a teaser at the bottom of the screen. As you can see, I'm terribly concerned about Book's welfare. Mal orders Jayne to get a stretcher. Jayne, meanwhile is shocked to see that the lawmen are leaving with the brothers, not even so much sparing a glance for the wounded Book. Why would he be shocked? Mal says that the men got what they were after and therefore don't care about them any more.
Wounded Book is carried into the ship on a stretcher by Mal, Jayne, and Zoe. Kaylee freaks out when she sees that Book has been shot. They carry him into the medical bay and set him on one of the examining tables. Mal calls Wash down to the infirmary on the intercom, while Zoe cuts off Book's clothing. It turns out that both Zoe and Mal have considerable first-aid experience from the war. A tearful Kaylee tries to reassure Book that he'll be okay, then notices that he's not breathing. Suddenly, Book goes into seizures. Mal and Zoe do something medical that calms him down. Mal tells the others that Book's not dead, but he's certainly sitting in the waiting room to the great beyond reading a year-old issue of Morbidity Today. Wash comes down to the infirmary and exclaims something in Chinese ("There is a God after all!") after seeing Book's injuries. Mal orders Wash to go to town to see if he can't find that "jing-tzhang mei yong-duh ["porcelain-skinned boy toy"] of a doctor." Wash rushes off.
Simon, meanwhile, is being forced through the woods by three muscular, dirty men. The set-up here is so homoerotic that my gaydar completely shuts down from overstimulation. It's going to take at least a day to reinitialize, so -- sorry, folks, no more gay jokes. Wow, the world looks different when you're straight. Quit being such a wuss, Simon! Kick those guys' asses! He tries to talk them into letting them go, offering to arrange for a ransom. Alpha Hick tells him to shut up. Simon tries to bring up his sister, but Alpha Hick responds by punching him in the head, knocking him down. Yeah, you show him who's boss! In a purely heterosexual way, of course. With punching and spitting.
The shock of the blow causes another flashback to the Tampound (not to be confused with the CamPound). Now we meet Ma Tam. She assures adult Simon that River is fine. Simon insists that River isn't fine, and asks if they've even read River's letters home. Pa Tam is there as well; he takes a letter from Simon and vaguely looks it over. Simon insists that the phrasing in the letters sounds nothing like River. She even misspelled a few words. The Tams look skeptical. Simon explains that River started correcting his spelling when she was three. He's sure that River is trying to send them a message of some sort. He thinks there's a code. The Tams react in disbelief. Pa Tam (whose name is Gabriel, according to the captioning) suggests that perhaps Simon misses his sister just a bit too much. Simon asks if the two of them had a good time at the D'arbanville's Ball this year. The parents don't understand what he's talking about. Apparently, in River's letter she said it was duller than last year's, except none of them has ever heard of this ball, so the comment makes no sense. Ma Tam passes it off as one of the "silly games" that the kids play all the time. Simon insists that River is trying to get a message through to them. Ma Tam tells Simon that he's being paranoid. She adds that if they heard him talking that way at the hospital, it could affect his future. Why would he be talking about it at the hospital? Clunky exposition. Blah. It gets worse. Ma Tam blathers on about how Simon is a surgeon at a great hospital in Capital City. Capital City? I suppose that goes along with the vague "Alliance" and the vague "Academy." I'm surprised that Simon managed to snag a proper name at all. Anyway, Ma and Pa Tam give the whole "rocking the boat can cost your job and your social standing" speech that is used as shorthand for family conflicts in any plot that has ever involved rich people throughout the history of drama. The parents assure Simon that River will be back soon and things will be okay. Ma concludes, "Nothing can keep you two apart for long."
This, of course, is a line that segues back to Simon's current predicament in the woods. You can't have a flashback without a relevant segue! The hicks continue to drag Simon through the woods. Suddenly he sees River ahead. River, of course, is in a playful mood now, having been listening to KRZY's children's programming, and doesn't seem to notice that they're in danger. She thinks they're playing hide-and-seek. Notice that she gets playful when Simon's in danger? She did the same thing last episode. She only gets scared when there's danger around that nobody else can see. Simon tries to get her to run away, but one of the hicks runs up and grabs her.
Back on Serenity, Wash returns, sans Tams, of course. Kaylee asks where they are. He couldn't find them. Kaylee insists that she saw them in town. Well, they're not there now. Jayne suggests that Simon ran off with River when he saw the lawmen. Mal observes that "[Simon] could be called a lot of things. 'Coward' wouldn't be one of them." See, despite their differences, Mal respects Simon. I'm sure the two of them would love to grab a brew together and chat about sports and women. Up on a catwalk, Inara asks if they might have been arrested. Wash says he thinks they might have been kidnapped. He went by the sheriff's office and discovered that the hicks in the hills have a tendency to take people who have skills that they might need to take advantage of. Mal comes to the conclusion that they took Simon because he's a doctor.
Mal makes the executive decision that they're going to take off. Kaylee freaks out at the idea of abandoning the Tams. Yes, how will that romantic relationship between Kaylee and Simon develop if he's stuck out in the woods with those burly, dirty, sweaty men? Mal says that they need to forget about the Tams. He says they've already lost two people and aren't going to lose a third. He orders Wash to take the ship up.
In the woods, River worries about the two of them being lost. Simon assures her that the crew will come rescue them. Dramatic Irony can't possibly let a line like that go by, so this is when they all see Serenity take off and fly away. Poor Tam siblings. They're trapped with these men, and Simon may never see Kaylee again!
Commercials. I'm sick of tired of fast-food places advertising themselves by mocking other fast-food restaurants for not having the same menu. What do you think would happen if I went through KFC's drive-through and ordered a double cheeseburger? In other words, shut up, Jason Alexander. What the hell did you do with those buckets of money you got from Seinfeld?
We return to Serenity, soaring through space. Zoe is trying to take care of Book's wounds. Book is shirtless, for those of you who may be into that sort of thing. He has some pretty decent muscles for a man of his age, though his chest sort of looks like it's made of plastic. Book wonders how bad his condition is. Zoe assures him that battle wounds are nothing new to her; she's seen a lot worse in men who survived. She describes a guy who got shot through the shoulder. She says he used to keep a spare hankie in the hole. Ew. Remind me to never sneeze around that guy. Book begins to wonder why Simon isn't treating him, and asks why he's not back yet. Thinking quickly, Zoe tells him that they don't call Simon back to the ship for "the small stuff." She promises him Simon will be along. Book wishes Simon would hurry a bit.
Up on the bridge, Wash and Mal are trying to plot a course that would get them to medical facilities quickly. With Book out of commission, Inara's now the only person there to butt in and tell Mal what to do, so she strides up to the bridge and tells Mal that he already knows where they can find a doctor for Book. Mal responds that Simon was dumb enough to get kidnapped in broad daylight. You tell her, Mr. Let's Not Bother Checking This Train We're About To Rob For Security Concerns And Also Let's Make Out With This Pretty Stranger Who Insists That We're Married. Mal goes on to explain that they don't have time to look for Simon; they don't know whether they'd be able to find him, and they don't know whether he'll be even in any condition to help Book if they did find him. Inara explains that she wasn't talking about Simon. She means medical facilities. Mal gives her a look and says that's not an option, and he doesn't want to discuss it. Inara argues that it's not about what Mal wants. Book's dying, and they're trying to get him treated. Mal gives her another look.
Back on the planet, the hicks escort Simon and River into a small town that honestly looks just like the town they left. I think they just threw some more dirt on the extras. And how can these people hide a town? It's not some futuristic hick version of Brigadoon, is it? So the local authorities know about this "secret" town of kidnappers, but haven't bothered to do anything about it? Okay, then. Alpha Hick introduces Simon to everybody as their new doctor. How did they know Simon's a doctor? I don't recall it ever coming up in any conversations on the planet's surface. Dozens of people come out to stare hopefully through their grimy faces at the new doctor.
Back on the ship, Jayne is rifling through all of Simon's stuff. Scavenging, as it were. He's got one of Simon's tongue depressors in his mouth. He pulls out Simon's diary, where he no doubt writes about his feelings toward Kaylee, and "reads" the contents: "Dear Diary, Today I was pompous and my sister was crazy. Today we were kidnapped by hillfolk, never to be seen again. Best day ever!" That Jayne; he really doesn't like Simon, does he? I wonder why that is? He pulls a stash of money out of Simon's suitcase and pockets. Then he pulls out a shiny purple shirt of Simon's and stares at it. Careful there, Jayne. People might get "ideas" about you. Jayne marvels that they managed to keep Simon around for as long as they have.
Zoe continues to hang out with Book in the infirmary. Kaylee comes in to join them. She holds Book's hand, even though he's unconscious. She explains to Zoe that Book did this for her once. Kaylee asks how he's doing. Zoe says she's cleaned and prepared the wound, but admits that she doesn't know how serious things are for Book. Kaylee asks if they're heading for help. Zoe says the captain will come up with a plan. Kaylee thinks that's a good thing. Zoe says, "Possibly you're not recalling some of his plans." Well, at least somebody on the ship knows. Kaylee reminds us all that Mal left Simon and River back on the planet. She doesn't think that's right. Zoe has no response.
Up on the bridge, Wash asks Mal if he's sure "this is where [he wants] to be." Mal says he's pretty sure it isn't. We get an outside shot to see Serenity approaching one of those large Alliance skyscraper ships. Inside, Wash requests permission to dock. Permission granted.
Back with the hicks on the hill, Simon and River are escorted into some building. Captioning reveals that Alpha Hick's name is Stark. If they were going to do a Farscape shout-out, couldn't they have at least given him an eye-patch? Stark snarks that the accommodations probably aren't as good as they're used to, but it's what they've got. Simon looks over to see sick people lying about here and there. There's also a woman there by the absolutely ridiculous name of Doralee, attending to them. She's dressed up like one of the slaves from Gone With The Wind. Butterfly McHillWoman (tm justjoan) greets them, but is confused about who River is. River goggles at all the sick people and Simon has to get her to sit down before she goes and hugs all the lepers. After he gets River calmed down, Simon asks Butterfly if there's been some sort of outbreak. Nope. People just get sick a lot or fall down the hill, breaking their crowns, or whatever. Sometimes they heal on their own, but sometimes they need medical help. Simon rolls up his sleeves and asks Butterfly to bring him some light and any medical supplies they've got.
Back on Serenity, Zoe asks Mal if he's "sanguine" about docking with the Alliance ship as they all gather in the cargo bay, with Book on a stretcher yet again. This prompts a lengthy discussion about what "sanguine" means. It means "hopeful," but it also means "bloody." I've had nearly this exact conversation with somebody before. I'd claim it as a shout-out, but unless Drew Z. Greenberg is psychic, I'm sure that's not the case. Zoe opens the door to the cargo bay. Several Alliance soldiers point their guns at them menacingly.
The men all load onto the ship, along with the requisite Officious Alliance Bellboy. Zoe offers to show them papers "proving" that they're legit. Bellboy asks what sort of ship they run. Mal says they're a supply ship. Bellboy looks over their paperwork as Zoe explains that they need medical assistance. No response. Mal points out that "it has to be better than slow." Bellboy officiously points out that their official seal is out of date. Then he calls Mal "Captain Harbatkin" to telegraph to us that the papers are fake. Unless Mal has been lying to us all along. Mal claims that they haven't been through a checkpoint in quite some time. Officious Bellboy asks what happened to Book. Zoe starts to make up a lie, but then Mal just decides to blurt out the truth, specifying that they were in no way involved with the shoot-out. Officious Bellboy doesn't really care, though. He was just asking, because he's officious that way. He tells them that they're not an emergency facility and that they don't just allow anybody access to their services. Book, however, has suddenly regained consciousness and rasps over to the Bellboy to check his "ident card." They take some card from Book and scan it into some handheld device. Bellboy reads something for a moment, then orders the men to take Book to the infirmary immediately. Oh, the mystery that is Book. If only I cared, or thought that we'd actually find out what the mystery is before the show disappeared from the airwaves without a trace.
Simon and the Hill People. Simon tells some woman how to keep her bandages clean. River, meanwhile, has taken to staring at a young girl. Butterfly McHillwoman wisely observes that River's not quite right in the head. Simon says that's true, but lies that River is recovering. Butterfly explains that River won't have much luck communicating with the little girl, whose name is Ruby. Ruby's mute. She stopped talking two years ago. Butterfly McHillwoman decides to lay down some mystical black wisdom by suggesting to Simon that River might be better off here in hidden hills. She explains that they'd be safe here, and that they all take care of each other. Simon responds, "Yes. It does seem like a lovely little community of kidnappers." Butterfly quotes the part in the Bible about not judging. Yeah, but then the Bible goes around and judges everybody. And, you know, Irony is over here snickering in the corner. Irony loves the Bible. He gets a lot of work through that book. Simon's not moved by Butterfly's Bible quotes. She says that sometimes life takes you unexpected places. Simon points out that "life" didn't take them here -- three burly woodsmen did. Butterfly points out that Simon and River were on a transport ship, heading somewhere. She says, in her experience, life takes you places blah blah blah mystical hill person wisdom blah blah blah home is where you make it. Did the hill people get a copy of the script or something? That would explain how they know Simon's a doctor. Simon insists that this isn't his home, as he treats a bedridden patient. Butterfly Mystical Hillwoman says, "If it isn't here, then where is it?" Because he was on a transport ship, that means that he's some sort of space drifter? Shut up, Nosy McHillWisdom.
On the Alliance ship, Jayne sniffs around and worries because he's in the clutches of The Man. And there's something mysterious about Book. Zoe, Mal, and Jayne are watching Book's surgery through a window. Zoe asks Mal if he thinks Book has some sort of connection with the Alliance. Mal says it may look like that, but it would surprise Mal if he did. Jayne mutters that this is why he doesn't like to pick up tourists: "They ain't never what they claim to be." Mal does agree that everybody seems to have a "tale to tell." Well, yes -- that's why they put them on the ship that has all the television cameras and writers.
Back with the hicks, Simon turns around to discover yet again that River's gone. So's Ruby. Butterfly McHillWoman offers to check out back. Oh no! What if they got kidnapped? By a group of people who live in the caves on the other side of the hills and snatch people they think they need from the kidnapped people of Hick City? Simon opens another set of doors to find River standing outside, using a piece of cloth to carry a bunch of berries. Simon grabs a bowl and helps River pour the berries in. River insists to Simon that he has to eat. She feeds him a few. They're called hodgeberries -- probably invented in some Monsanto laboratory. This inspires some recollections by Simon -- apparently, the two of them found a bunch of hodgeberry bushes on some private estate, and they thought they were wild. River looks up at him and says, "I took you away from there." Simon says that she didn't, but River insists, "I know I did." River explains that she gets confused. She remembers everything, but she remembers too much, and some of it isn't real, and some are secrets that she can't reveal for another week or so, and some of it is just KRZY programming information. Simon reassures River that it's okay. River says, "You gave up everything you had to find me, and you found me broken. It's hard for you." Simon grasps River's face in his hands and says, "Mei mei ['duck liver'], everything I have is right here." River feeds him another berry and assures him that soon Daddy Tam will come and take them both home, and she'll get better. Simon looks sadly at her and turns away, because he knows that Daddy Tam is a bad, bad man. They sit down at the table. Simon says these berries are better than the ones they had as a kid. River responds, "They are, except they're poison." I know somebody who's going to be hearing from Monsanto's lawyers. Oh, that was just River's idea of a joke. Ha ha!
Just then, Butterfly McHillWoman returns with Ruby. She urges Ruby to get to bed. Simon figures that he and River should do the same. Butterfly explains to Simon that he doesn't have to sleep there -- they've got a house all gussied up for them. They've been looking for a doctor for a while, so they've gotten everything ready. You know, if somebody kidnapped me, but then they gave me a house, I think I might be okay with it.
Then River starts muttering about Ruby's predicament. She says that Ruby's mom went crazy and killed Ruby's sister. Butterfly thinks this means that she got Ruby to talk. She explains to Simon that what River said is true -- Ruby's mom went psycho and tried to kill both her little girls. Ruby survived. Butterfly calls River an "angel" because nobody else has been able to get little Ruby to speak since then. River looks at Butterfly with confusion and says, "Ruby doesn't talk. Her voice got scared away." Then, in River fashion, she's distracted by the sound of crickets. Butterfly is confused and concerned. How does River know what happened to Ruby if Ruby didn't talk? Simon tries to give some explanation, but clearly the hillfolk keep themselves in shape by jumping to conclusions at record speeds. Butterfly quotes the parts in the Bible about evil, magical folk hiding themselves among the commoners. Yeah, but if I've learned anything from Buffy and Charmed, it's that the witches stand out from the crowd with their ridiculous wardrobes, and River…oh. Right. Carry on, then. Butterfly McHillwoman concludes, "Thou shall not suffer a witch to live!" Uh oh. This Backwater Stereotype Theater has gotten a bit out of control.
Commercials. We return to some Minority Report-esque officious building of authority. Papa Tam is standing at some desk, so we know it's another flashback. A bellboy escorts Simon in. Papa Tam is furious with Simon. He interrupted his dinner with the Friedlichs. Simon sarcastically apologizes, saying that he never would have "tried to save River's life" if he had known there was a dinner party at risk. Pa Tam tells Simon not to be so flippant about it -- bailing him out cost Pa two thousand credits, and simply walking through the door to this holding area or whatever the hell it is will be reported on Pa's "permanent profile." Oh no! He'll never get into an Ivy League school now! Pa asks if Simon is trying to destroy the family. Simon responds, "I didn't realize it would be so easy." He insists that he didn't do anything wrong. Pa says that Simon was in a "blackout zone." Simon says he was just talking to somebody who could help River. What the hell is a blackout zone? Another energy crisis? Have we forgotten Enron? Simon insists that he's going back to that very blackout zone again. Pa warns Simon that he's going down some slippery slope and isn't thinking things through. Simon asks what he means by that. Pa says that he won't come down to bail Simon out the time he gets in trouble. He's on his own. Pa asks if Simon's coming home. Simon regards Pa as if he were a piece of poo. Which he is.
The tolling of a bell brings us back to Hick Town. That would be Butterfly ringing the bell. Simon tells her that this is lunacy, asking Butterfly what exactly it is she teaches the people here. Well, she don't know nothin' about birthin' no babies, but she knows plenty about burnin' witches. Some folks wander over. One guy, whom I shall call "Lothar," asks what the heck is going on. She explains that River's a witch, and describes the mind-reading. Simon insists that River isn't a witch. She's just a little "troubled." Jayne is a little "troubled." River's a loony. Lothar approaches and asks River if she's a witch. He explains that he's the patron there, and asks if River understands what that means. She does. He's in charge. Then she starts babbling about how the old patron died. He was sick, but he was getting better, but then Lothar was alone with him and…she's a witch! A witch! Ignore those lies! She's a witch! Lothar actually smacks River and agrees with Butterfly, accusing River of spinning falsehoods. Lothar, by the way, is one really bad actor. There's a reason I called him Lothar beyond just the Hill People joke. He insists that the evil must purged from River with fire. Men grab her as she starts screaming.
Meanwhile, Serenity is detaching itself from the Alliance behemoth. Mal is in the room with Book, who is patched up and recovering from his wounds. Mal explains that the Alliance fixed Book and then let them go. Book tries to pretend that this is a surprise to him as well. Mal asks him what sort of ident card would get them good treatment from the vaguely evil, officious, and very boring Alliance. Book suggests that it's because he's a preacher. He says folks like a man of God. Mal says that they don't: "Men of God make everybody feel guilty and judged." Mal wants an explanation. Book says he'll get one…someday. "Well, hurry up," Mal says. "Have you seen our ratings?" Book concludes that it's good to be home.
Elsewhere on the ship, Jayne is polishing the money. Really, he is. I had no idea he had a secret compulsively clean side. What with his dirty clothes. And mind. Zoe and Mal wander through at around the same time. Zoe says that Badger has hailed them about dropping off the money someplace. Jayne points out that it will be easier doing all these deals now that they've abandoned their fugitive travelers. Zoe agrees with Mal that this is true. Mal looks at Zoe, pondering a world where Jayne is right and wondering what that could mean.
Back in Hick Town, the folks drag River up to a stake prepared for burning. Man, those folks work fast. Or perhaps they always have one up and ready in the event they needed it. I think they might have been waiting for somebody witchy to come by as an excuse to try it out. River is dragged up to the stake and tied up. Simon begs Lothar to take his life instead. Lothar's not having it. He claims that God commands them to burn River. Wow, she's not that annoying. At least, not this episode.
Lothar nods to the men to light the kindling around the stake. This brings out the big brother in Simon. About as big as he can hope to get, anyway. He rushes over and pulls a couple of men away from River. A fistfight ensues, and Simon holds his own against two men. How butch. Oh wait, my gaydar's still off. I mean, "it's about time that Simon stepped up to the plate and protected his sister in a thoroughly masculine and heterosexual fashion." He shouts at the people that River has done nothing to them. If they kill her, they're not doing God's bidding; they'll be acting on their own lunacy and ignorance. The crowd stands there, unimpressed. Simon looks up to River. River recollects "post-holer, for digging holes for posts." Because she's tied to a post, I guess. I don't know. I guess the writers feel that they just have to have some sort of repetition of images or words, or else it's just not a good episode. Anyway, Simon climbs up to River and holds her close, then orders the others to light the pyre. Aww. Okay, that got to me. A little bit. Shut up. River declares that it's time to go.
But this time River's speaking of something else entirely. There's a loud roaring wind. It's not God arriving. At least, not while my gaydar's still broken. Serenity suddenly floats overhead and a hatch opens, revealing Jayne -- and Vera. And she's ready for a good time. Mal and Zoe stride in on the ground from behind the gathered folks. Mal observes, "It looks like we arrived just in the nick of time. What does that make us?" Zoe: "Big damn heroes, sir." Mal: "Ain't we just." The wind from Serenity blows their leather dusters all photogenically as they stride up to the hicks with their guns ready for shooting. Mal tells them all they've got something that belongs to them. Lothar insists that they're interfering with a holy cleansing and cannot thwart God's will. Mal points out Jayne hovering above them. He explains that Jayne didn't even want to come back, so he's just itching to shoot somebody. So really, they should be worried about thwarting Jayne's will. Why would anybody want to thwart Jayne's will? Hey, I think my gaydar's coming back. Mal tells Simon that his "talent for alienating folks is near miraculous." Simon snarks back, "Yes, I'm very proud." Just kiss already. Oh yeah, the gaydar's back. Mal orders them to cut River down. Lothar says that River's a witch. Mal responds, "Yeah, but she's our witch. So cut her the hell down."
Cut to Serenity. Jayne quickly dumps all of Simon's belongings back in his room, then tries to leave nonchalantly, without anybody noticing. Of course, he encounters Simon out in the hallway and gets all cagey, saying that he's glad Simon's back on the ship. Because now he doesn't have to resort to sniffing his underwear. Ew. That might have been a little too much.
Mal stares into the infirmary and sees that it's empty. Simon comes by and explains that he's moved his stuff into Book's room to care for him. Book's going to do okay. Simon says that it's the ship's first real serious injury, and he wasn't around to help. Of course, they showed all these episodes out of order, so this was actually supposed to air before "Out of Gas," where Zoe and Mal both get critically injured. As Mal tries to get back to business, Simon asks Mal why he came back for them. Mal simply says that he's a part of his crew. Simon points out that Mal doesn't even like him. Mal responds, "You're on my crew. Why are we still talking about this? Chow's in ten. You don't have to dress." Simon smiles to himself, thinking about the possibility that he and Mal may become closer friends and maybe grab a brewski and play a few video games before going on a double date with Inara and Kaylee.
Hold on a second. Thump. Thump. "And have lots of hot, naked, gay sex." There we go. Just a little glitch.
The episode ends with everybody gathering around the table for chow. Simon pulls out a chair for Kaylee. River steals Jayne's bread. He gives her a funny look, then reaches across the table and grabs another roll. He's such a softie. Except for the parts where he's -- sorry!
: Simon convinces the crew to break into a medical facility in order to get information about what happened to River. Do you think things will go awry? Would you like to place a bet?