Blah blah "used up" blah blah blah.
We open in yet another dusty, smoke-filled bar with Chinese lanterns as decorations. I bet they just used the bar set from "The Train Job" and shot it from a different angle. Jayne drinks something out of what looks like a dog bowl. Insert your own joke about what a beast he is. He's also chomping on the end of a cigar, if that sort of thing turns you on. He and Mal appear to be playing pool with some guy who is talking about converting some ship with stronger doors and locks to keep people in place. I'm going to just call him Opening Conflict Guy Jr., for reasons that will soon become apparent. As he tries to make a shot, the billiard balls fitz out briefly. See, it's holo-pool. With real sticks and a real table, but with fake billiard balls. Because. Opening Conflict Guy Jr. complains to the bartender by exclaiming, "Way?!" So the future has been shaped by Westerns, China, and…Wayne's World? The bartender points to a sign that reads, "Management not responsible for ball failure." I wrote three jokes in response to that sign, but deleted them all because they were all so terribly predictable and I'm sure you all thought of them immediately yourself when you saw the sign.
They play pool some more. The table makes weird sound effects because the holographic billiard balls aren't quite futuristic enough. Jayne asks Opening Conflict Guy Jr. if he made a lot of money off this last gig he's talking about. Junior says that he made money "hand over fist." He explains, "Water planets need labor. Terraforming crews got a prodigious death rate." So Junior is transporting labor. Or more specifically, as Mal points out, slaves. Are slaves different from indentured servants? I'm wondering how people end up as slaves in this environment. Anyway, Mal goes on to theorize that Junior wasn't exactly making an effort to keep the slaves fed in transport, and saved money by not providing adequate rations. Junior says he didn't hear any complaints.
After missing his shot, Mal heads over to the bar, where Inara just so happens to be hanging out. Mal suggests to Inara that she might want to head back to the ship. Inara doesn't want to go. She finds the game entertaining. As Inara sips a girly drink, she observes, "As with other situations, the key seems to be giving Jayne a heavy stick and standing back." How can they give me lines like that and not expect me to make gay jokes? Jayne, it seems, is an excellent pool player, and is cleaning up the table.
Mal insists to Inara that she really should consider heading back to the ship because "there's a thief about." And that thief would be Mal. He holds up a big wad of money that he picked from Opening Conflict Guy Jr. Inara responds with shock, but also grabs the money from him to hide it on her person. I'm not quite sure why. I think he wanted her to carry it back to the ship before the fight broke out. But then Junior puts his hand on Mal's shoulder and says, "Way," in a serious tone of voice. From this, Mal somehow is able to determine that Junior has discovered the theft already. Hell if I know. Anyway, Mal turns around and decks Junior, starting the opening conflict. Jayne fights Junior's partner. Mal smirks at Inara after knocking Junior down. Then Inara edges away down the bar, and Mal is knocked down by a sound effect. Seriously, I watched it frame by frame. There's a punch sound and Mal goes down, but nothing hit him that is visible in the frame. Oh, wait. When we he falls to the ground, you can barely get a glimpse of a guy on the floor who tripped him. Very bad blocking on that one. Mal hits somebody with a chair. Jayne hits somebody with a pool cue. Chairs fly. Mal does that hockey shirt-pulling trick. As Mal escorts Inara out, she says, "Lovely place. I'll be sure to tell all my friends." Well, it was fine until the three of you showed up. Jayne punctuates this by throwing a man across the bar, as required by television barroom brawl rules.
None of this has anything to do with the plot of tonight's episode, incidentally, other than to show us that Mal generally chooses to steal from "bad" people.
Credits. You can't take the ska from me.
We return from commercials with a shot of Serenity soaring through space. On the bridge, Wash and Zoe chat about the fact that they seem to have left Santo in a hurry. Zoe mentions that they seem to generally leave places in a hurry. All those botched missions certainly keep them on their toes. Zoe exposits that they're going to be staying on Persephone for a little while. If you remember your Matt Fielding-induced exposition from the second episode, Persephone is where the ship picked up Book, Simon, and River. Wash thinks it's "shiny" that they'll be docked for a while. Zoe is surprised, and says that she thought that Wash would get "land crazy" if he's stuck at port for a while. What exactly would that entail? Freaking out because the ground seems to follow you everywhere? Worrying that the gravity is going to crush your skull? Wash jokes that he's been sane for a while now, so change is good.
Mal joins them on the bridge to admire the sunset they can see through the windows as they approach Persephone, which appears to be a fairly large planet. Zoe makes some mention of Persephone becoming their second home. Mal insists that it's not -- there are too many people there they need to avoid. Soon there will be a few more. He says they're just there to refuel, resupply, and look for work: "Sniff the air. We don't kiss the dirt." Zoe says she wasn't planning on any dirt-kissing. Wash jokes that he wouldn't let her anyway, because he's the jealous type. They start heading down to the planet, but they're going a little too fast because Wash isn't really paying attention. He nervously makes corrections and worries about crashing. Mal says, "Well, if that happens, let me know," as he leaves. Okay, then.
Cut to Inara's Shuttle Of Elegant Debauchery. It looks like Inara is playing some sort of puzzle game on her monitor that involves sliding images of men's faces around. She's making arrangements to, uh, bask in the compatibility of somebody's aura on Persephone. She quickly deletes a couple of faces. She taps on a face, and it pops open full-screen to reveal some boy who looks like Kelso in fey dandy attire. He clumsily stammers out that if Inara agrees to meet with him, it would honor his…honor. Dude! Lay off the weed when you're trying to secure a space hooker.
A chime interrupts Kelso's desperate begging, so Inara closes his face and taps on another image. It opens up to introduce us to Chris Sarandon's heir to the "smarmy twerp" throne. This guy's name is Atherton Wing. What, no "III"? He even looks a little like Sarandon, except younger and prettier. In his snottiest voice, he says, "Now there's the smile made of sunlight." Ew. How could Inara have not known what a twit this guy is with lines like that? She responds that she's happy to see Atherton again. Okay, so this is an actual video call now, not a message. I was a bit confused for a second. They slip into exposition mode in their chatting. Atherton sent Inara an invitation to the biggest social event of the season. He asks if she'll accompany him. He also mentions some sort of offer he made to Inara that he's waiting for a response about. Just then, there's a knock on the shuttle door. Inara says that she will accompany him to the event, then ends the call to go answer the door.
It's Mal, of course, in order to remind us all that despite the fact that she's a space hooker, Inara has feelings for a non-client. Mal greets her and tells her they'll be landing soon, and the local time will be 10:00 AM. Her luggage will be on Carousel 3, and she should follow the signs to the taxi stand. Mal notes the image of Atherton still on Inara's monitor, and asks her if she's making plans. Duh. He recognizes Atherton's name as somebody Inara has worked with before. Inara covers the monitor with a frilly curtain for privacy as Mal says that Atherton's younger than he expected. He assumes that Atherton's rich in order to afford Inara's rates. Inara responds, "I suppose," and adds that he has engaged her for several days. Mal says that Atherton must have a lot of stamina. Inara's wearing a hideous, shiny copper and aquamarine tunic-style dress. She mentions that they'll be attending a ball this evening. Mal wonders if all the women there will be paid for. Not in the hooker sense, no. Inara will be in the minority in that respect. Inara snarks, "Perhaps the other men couldn't attract one?" Yeah, those poor men. They're going to have to find women who are willing to go out with them for free. It's a cruel, cruel universe. Mal says that it sounds like the finest party he could ever get "paid to go to." Inara says that she doesn't think the party would be up to Mal's usual standards -- too much dancing and schmoozing, not enough petty theft and getting hit with pool cues. So I guess Winona Ryder and Jack Nicholson won't be there? Inara suggests that Mal go somewhere else and prepare for the whole "ten in the morning issue," whatever the hell that may mean. I think it's just a nonsensical setup for Mal's line. He pulls on his suspenders and says that Inara's right -- what he's wearing is more like an "evening" look.
We cut to the mean, dusty, crowded, dusty, hectic, and really dusty streets of Persephone. Mal, Kaylee, Zoe, Wash, and Jayne are wandering around to some unknown destination. Kaylee notes a store nearby where women are modeling giant, frilly dresses. She says, "Ooh! Look at the pretties!" Wash asks if he should be looking at the dresses or the girls. Zoe suggests that he confine himself to admiring the dresses. Seriously, if I were into women and had Zoe, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't even notice the existence of other females. Jayne, lagging behind, asks, "There's girls?" Kaylee admires a puffy pink dress, but Zoe says that it has too much "fooferaw." She says that if she were to wear a dress, it would be something with some "slink." This certainly gets Wash's imagination going, so he offers to buy Zoe a slinky dress. He asks Mal if he can have some money to buy Zoe a slinky dress. Jayne offers to chip in, prompting Zoe to observe, "I can hurt you." He'd probably like that. Kaylee says she only sees dresses that nice in Inara's wardrobe. Zoe points out that Inara needs dresses like that with the "life she leads." The discussion of Inara annoys Mal, and he prompts them that they should get moving. Kaylee ignores him and comments that sometimes Inara's clients buy her stuff. Essentially, Kaylee is envious of Inara's life and it's starting to bug Mal. Eventually he spits out, "What are you going to do in that rig? Flounce around the engine room? Be like a sheep walking on its hind legs." Ow. Kaylee looks at Mal like he just ran over her dog. Zoe gives Mal a "you're a damned idiot, sir" look and takes the supplies he's carrying from him. She tells him, "See you on the ship, Captain," as she, Kaylee, and Wash load the supplies up on the ATV and drive away, leaving him there with Jayne. Jayne asks, "Is [Kaylee] mad or something?"
Right after the rest of the crew is gone, Mal hears something and turns around to find a man pointing a gun at him. In the middle of the street. Nobody else seems to care. This is the civilized part of the Hinterplanets? A man who looks like Ted from Queer as Folk, but dressed up like a British dandy (complete with bowler hat), strides up to them. Mal recognizes him and calls him "Badger." In a Cockney accent, Badger invites them for "a bit of a sit-down." Mal suggests instead "a bit of a piss off." But since Mal's not the one with the gun, Badger's suggestion wins.
Cut to some dank room. Mal and Jayne sit at a table. Mal says that last time they talked to Badger, they were "all manner of unwelcome." Jayne drinks some tea. He says it's not bad. Badger says that the secret to it is wood alcohol. Mmm…delicious blindness. Mal wonders why they're suddenly "favored guests" of Badger's. As Jayne hogs all the finger sandwiches -- yes, there are finger sandwiches at this little psychotic tea party -- Mal wants to know what's up. Badger explains that there's a rich guy, one Warrick Harrow, who has some merchandise he wants to sell off-world. Apparently, that's not allowed. Why trade would be embargoed between planets, given the limited resources they all seem to have, is an unanswered question. Unless, of course, it's to make sure that each planet's resources stay limited.
Anyway, Warrick is looking for a way around this. Badger says he's willing to cut Mal in on a smuggling operation. Mal wonders why Badger needs Serenity; Badger's got his own ships and crew. Badger says that Warrick won't deal with him and has taken an "irrational" dislike to him. With his mouth full, Jayne asks, "Wha' happen? He see your face?" Badger gives Jayne a look, then tells Mal that Warrick doesn't think Badger is "respectable" enough to deal with. Mal, though, might have a chance. Mal points out that Badger screwed them over the last time they had a deal. Badger blames it on them, claiming that Mal was being all snooty about it. Badger whines that Mal thinks he's better than other people. Well, I have to give the show credit for recognizing this personality trait of Mal's. Mal shoots back that he only thinks he's better than people he's better than. Just because that happens to be everybody, it's not his fault, now, is it? Mal realizes that this quality is what Badger is looking for. Badger agrees that the stick up Mal's "pee goo" (I don't think I need to translate that) is about the size of the one Warrick's got. He knows where Mal can meet with Warrick. An event of sorts. Really fancy. Hard to get in. Badger says, "Of course, you can't buy an invite with a diamond the size of a testicle. I got my hands on a couple." Mal giggles. Jayne giggles. I giggle. You giggled, too. Don't deny it. Badger sees Beavis and Butthead's reactions and clarifies that he got his hands on a couple of invitations. Not testicles.
Cut to the fancy-schmancy Ball Of Neo-Victorian Snobbery. A man "introduces" the various couples before they enter. That's the mark of a truly snobbish gathering. Unless some guy yells out your name as you arrive, it's not a real ball. One guy sets off some sort of matrix-like force field as he tries to walk in. Ah, that's their futuristic weapons detector. No guns are allowed at the ball. Atherton and Inara are introduced. Inara's last name is Serra, by the way. She's wearing a bland gold-colored dress, along with tons of jewelry and a tiara.
A string quartet plays snottily. People dance snottily. It's every snotty rich ball you've ever seen in any period film, ever. Inara waves to somebody she knows. She curtseys before an elderly man and says something in Chinese ("I turned down a date with you because you're old and ugly and the viewers don't want to see that"). Atherton is dressed in some incredibly fey suit that makes him look like a desk clerk at an Asian-themed Vegas hotel. He observes that half the men in the room wish they were on Inara's arm tonight. Inara jokes, "Only half? I must be losing my undefinable allure." Atherton says that her allure isn't all that undefinable and adds, "All of them wish that they were in your bed." Inara looks embarrassed at this comment, realizing Atherton just essentially said that her appeal is based entirely on her physical appearance and that half the men here would only want her for sex. Perhaps Inara isn't as good at reading her clients' auras or whatever as she thinks she is? Atherton tells Inara that he finds her to be a very "singular" woman, and is growing to admire her more and more. They start dancing with the other couples.
Back on the ship, Kaylee is busy welding something in the engine room. Mal strides in, calling her name. Kaylee says she's not speaking to him. Mal says she doesn't have to talk; he's got a job for her. Kaylee looks annoyed.
Ball Of Neo-Victorian Snobbery. Everybody continues to dance, snottily. It seems that the "offer" that Atherton made to Inara earlier was to essentially buy her, as opposed to renting her. He tells her while they're dancing (snottily) that he's offering her a life. She can live on Persephone as Atherton's personal companion. Inara says that's a generous offer, but doesn't give a definitive answer. She greets somebody else she knows on the dance floor. Atherton tells Inara that she "belongs" here on Persephone, not on "that piece of gos se." I believe that's Chinese for "sea cucumber." Inara is shocked at Atherton's language. Atherton insists that Serenity is a piece of sea cucumber. Suddenly, the doorman announces "Miss Kaywinnit Lee Frye and escort." Kaywinnit? Yikes. Maybe her parents are evil, after all. Inara stops dancing and looks over to the entryway in surprise. Kaylee enters, wearing the ridiculously frilly pink dress she saw earlier. She looks less like a sheep on two legs than like Little Bo Peep. Mal follows her in as "the escort" in a fancy Western-style tuxedo. Inara declares, "Oh, sea cucumber."
Commercials. Drinking chocolate milk turns you into an inconsiderate prick. Drink chocolate milk!
We return to The Fancy-Schmancy Snobby Ball Of Snotty Upper-Class Snobbery. Kaylee gawks at everything as Mal leads her to the main area. They watch the people dancing (snottily). Mal asks Kaylee if his pants seem a little tight. Kaylee says that it shows off his backside. His jacket has tails, though, so you're just going to have to do without. Sorry. Kaylee marvels at the hovering chandelier. Mal wonders why they would bother with that much effort. Yeah, it's not as simple and reasonable a use of technology as holographic billiard balls. Kaylee goggles some more at everything. Mal reminds her that she's supposed to make him look respectable. She responds, "Yessir, Captain Tightpants." They start looking around for their man. Kaylee suggests that they say "halloo" to Inara should they see her. Mal pretends to be indifferent, but he knows what color dress Inara is wearing, so you know he cares. He cares! Bleah. Anyway, the guy they're looking for is older, tubby, and is wearing a red sash. Kaylee points over to the corner and asks if that's him. Mal looks over and responds, "That's the buffet table." Kaylee: "Well, how can we be sure unless we question it?" Mal allows her to wander over and snack on the free snob chow.
Back on Serenity, Simon and Jayne are playing strip poker. Okay, they're not. It's normal poker. Well, it's not normal poker, but it's not strip poker. Sorry. Also, Book is there. Also, sorry. And River is wandering around in the background, quietly listening to KRZY's food and nutrition programming. Again, sorry. The guys are playing some futuristic variation of poker, and instead of chips, they're bidding on chores.
As the men bid, River starts pulling cans of food out of a box over in the pantry and ripping the labels off. According to KRZY's nutritionist, unlabeled food has no calories. That's how River stays so thin. Book wins the latest round of cards. The weird thing about the poker is that when he wins, he gets the "chips" that represent chores. These indicate things that he doesn't have to do. So how do they decide who actually has to do the chores? Does Book assign them? Oops, the Department of Overthinking just sent me a note, telling me that I'm taxing their servers. Sorry.
A box of crackers seems to have set River off -- perhaps she's upset about Farscape's cancellation, too -- and she starts muttering nonsensical things like "these are the ones that take you," as she lays the crackers on the counter and starts crushing them. Book and Simon finally notice her and rush over to calm her down. While they're over there, assuring her that everything's okay, Jayne steals some of Book's "chips." River mutters something about "hands that go everywhere" as Simon holds her and eventually calms her down. Book says that they'll have some mystery meals because of the cans, but no real harm was done. Jayne nonchalantly asks, "Are we gonna play cards, or are we gonna screw around?" Do I get a vote? No? Dammit.
Oops, I stepped all over the transition. Jayne's comment about screwing around is meant to be one of those ironical segue thingies. We cut to Zoe and Wash, screwing around. Well, post-screwing around. They lie in bed, naked and sweaty. Zoe says that she thought Wash wanted to spend some time off the ship on this trip. Wash says that Persephone's full of fancy parties, but he likes their parties better: "The dress code is easier, and I know all the steps." Zoe starts to fall asleep, but Wash reminds her that she can't because she's acting captain. There's reference to Jayne "slitting [her] throat and taking over" if he has the opportunity. Zoe doesn't seem to be taking this very seriously, so I think it's a massive exaggeration. Though we don't know how much. Wash jokes that he's done all he can to warn Zoe, so he'll be sure to read a nice poem at her funeral. Zoe suggests that Wash lock the door, instead. But Wash is all caught up in composing Zoe's poetic eulogy: "Here lies my beloved Zoe, my autumn flower. Somewhat less attractive now that she's all corpsified and gross." They start fooling around again. Aww.
Back at The Fancy-Schmancy Snobby Ball Of Rich Snotheads, Kaylee plucks a strawberry from the buffet. She stands to some guy wearing a suit that looks like it's made of brown vinyl. She comments that the dancers are pretty and look like butterflies, or "pieces of wrapping paper, blowing around." The man gives Kaylee a quick bow, then walks away without a word. You've got to stop flirting with the gay ones, Kaylee.
Kaylee heads over to a pack of four girls that I'm simply go to refer to as "The Heathers." Kaylee greets them, and Head Heather doesn't know who she is, of course. Kaylee introduces herself. Head Heather introduces herself and her friends. They all have ridiculous names, so they might as well all be Heather. Kaylee marvels over the wonderfulness of the event. Heather Two says it was better last year. Kaylee asks what they had last year that is different from this year. Heather Two: "Standards." Meow. Head Heather asks Kaylee who made her dress. Kaylee blathers on about how much she knew she wanted it when she saw all the ruffles. Head Heather suggests that Kaylee might want to talk to her "girl." Kaylee's all "who in the what huh?" Head Heather explains that Kaylee's "girl" made her a dress that looks like she bought it in a store.
As Kaylee withers under the contempt of the snotty rich snobs of Snotterton, an older man wanders up to save the day. He greets Head Heather and marvels at her dress, telling her it must have taken a dozen slaves a dozen days to get her into it. She demures to his compliments. But then he puts the screws to her by adding, "Of course, your daddy tells me it takes the space of a schoolboy's wink to get you out of it again." The Heathers are humiliated, and rush off to go "well, I never!" at each other in the powder room. The man apologizes to Kaylee for his rudeness, but says he cannot abide "useless people." Kaylee chuckles.
Mal wanders around and finally finds the man he's looking for. Their contact is Benny from L.A. Law! I'm just going to call him Benny, because Warrick is a really stupid name. Mal wanders over and greets Benny, mistakenly calling him "mister." Benny corrects him that he's "Sir [Benny]." See, the red sash indicates that he's a lord, not Mr. Snob King 2157. Mal apologizes, and explains that he captains a ship and heard that Sir Benny is interested in moving some merchandise off-world. Mal stops for a moment to notice Inara dancing with Atherton. Sir Benny plays dumb and insists that he's an "honest man." Mal ripostes that there's nothing wrong with getting Sir Benny's goods to the people who need them. Benny asks Mal who he represents. Mal mentions Badger's name. They both think that Badger is a psychotic lowlife. Actually, Mal thinks he's even worse than that. Anyway, they both hate and don't trust Badger, but Mal insists that the deal is solid.
At that moment, Atherton drags Inara over to say hello to Sir Benny. Inara introduces Mal to Atherton. Mal "jokes" that he didn't know Inara was going to this party. In an annoyed "What are you doing on my turf?" voice, Inara points out that this was the only party. Oh, I suspect that all those slaves are having some fun of their own, now that all the snobs are away. They even have their own games, like "Peeing In The Master's Best Bourbon." Mal says he can see why and compliments the floating chandelier, pointing out, "It almost outshines our girl, here." We pan down to see that Atherton is clutching Inara's arm rather tightly. I think that "our girl" reference didn't really please him. Plus he's a snotty, smarmy prick, and I fail to see how anybody could be surprised. Mal tells Atherton that Inara has spoken highly of him and praised his generosity. Given that he's so generous, would he object to Mal asking Inara for a dance? Atherton stares at Mal, stone-faced, but says, "Of course." Inara looks annoyed, but joins Mal on the dance floor. After they leave, Sir Benny tells Atherton, "You're a brave man." Atherton responds, "I know what's mine."
Inara and Mal participate in some twee, snotty Victorian dance of some sort. I don't know what it is or the style, and I don't care. Inara wants to know what Mal's doing there. He explains, rather loudly given the surroundings, that he was talking to Sir Benny about a smuggling job when they came over to bother her. Inara insists that Mal was staring. Mal insists that he just glanced over. Mal is correct, by the way. He mentions that Inara "stands out" in the crowd. Inara says that, given his line of work, Mal is actually the one who stands out. I don't know; he's seems to be doing pretty well with the snotty dancing. There's a bunch of sexual-tension bickering about the fact that Inara is a space hooker and Mal is a thief. What Inara does is legal but dishonest. What Mal does is illegal but honest. This is from Mal's perspective, of course. Mal points out that Atherton is parading Inara around as if he actually "won" her, and everybody goes along with it. Okay, paying for companionship might be a little sad, but acting like a woman agreeing to voluntarily date a guy means that he "won" her is just as sad, or even more so. It's still treating her like an object. Inara insists that she likes these people, and Atherton as well. Mal responds, "Well, sure. What's not to like? I'm liable to sleep with him myself." Inara insists that Atherton likes her, and made her "an offer" to become his personal companion. She says it may seem pretentious, but it would be a great life for her. Mal agrees that he has "no call" to stop her from having a happy life. There's a quick shot of smirking, evil Atherton leering at them in dismay, just in case that you didn't quite understand that Inara would never be happy with Atherton. Inara notes that she sees Kaylee around. Mal says that she was thrilled when he let her have that "layer cake" of a dress. Inara says she thinks Kaylee looks adorable. Mal responds, "Yeah, but I never said it," meaning, I think, that he realizes that he's being a jerk to her.
But that's okay -- Kaylee makes her own fun. She's surrounded by elderly men, talking about ships and mechanical stuff. They all love her. A cute guy tries to ask her to dance, but the men won't let her go, because they want to hear more technology gossip.
The camera sweeps in on Atherton, looking pissed and smarmy and like he's about to have a Prince Humperdink moment any second now. Aaaaaaand there he goes. The dance ends, and Atherton strides up to Inara to snatch her away. Mal tells Atherton to calm down. He doesn't need to get all "hands-on." Atherton responds, "She's not here with you, Captain. She's mine." Mal says that she's nobody's property. Unless, of course, you "win" her properly with a courtship and all. Atherton responds, "Money changed hands, which makes her mine tonight. No matter how you dress her up, she's still…" Atherton trails off here, because he can't talk anymore with Mal's fist in his mouth. Nobody calls Inara a whore! Except for Mal! Atherton drops to the floor. The music stops. People gather. Drama!
As Atherton gets to his feet, Mal turns to Inara and say, "Turns out this is my kind of party." Inara tries to express disappointment, but Mal insists that Atherton was out of line. Atherton stands and says, "I accept." Mal responds, "Great! What?" Some snotty, unidentified guy appears behind Atherton to inform all present that there has been "a challenge." Mal, of course, assumes that this means a fistfight. Nope. It's a duel. Tomorrow. Mal assumes that this is a gun duel. Nope. It's with swords. Is it to the pain? Nope. It's to the death.
Commercials. We return to The Fancy-Schmancy Ball Of Snotty Anachronisms. Kaylee comes over to Mal to find out what's going on. Mal's not quite sure himself. Sir Benny explains that Mal will be put up in a fancy-schmancy room for the evening to make sure he doesn't run away to avoid the duel. And, of course, Atherton is an expert swordsman. Rich assholes always are. Just ask Lionel Luthor. Inara says that Mal will need "a second." Not a moment to collect himself, in this context -- though he needs that, too. A "second" is the person who will fight on Mal's behalf should he refuse. Sir Benny volunteers. Wha? He barely knows Mal, doesn't quite trust him yet, but is willing to fight to the death on his behalf? Mal asks if this means that the two of them have a deal together. Sir Benny says that it means Mal is in mortal danger, but he mussed up Atherton's pretty snob face, so that has "endeared" Mal to Sir Benny "somewhat." So he's going to put his life on the line for Mal already? I wonder what he does for people he actually loves?
On the other side of the ballroom, Atherton loudly calls Inara return to his side. She looks sad, but heads over. Kaylee tells Mal, "Up until the punching, it was a real nice party."
Back on the ship, Jayne's doing pull-ups in the cargo bay. Ooh. Now there's something I could watch for quite some time. There's a knock at the cargo bay door. Jayne grabs a gun and takes a peek through the window. Then he opens the door with a dismissive snort. It's Badger, there to tell them the news about the captain. And he hands Jayne some sort of giant metal tool for some unexplained reason.
Cut to everybody on the ship's shocked reaction to the whole duel thing. Simon observes that Mal is a good fighter and must therefore know how to handle a sword. Zoe says he knows what end to hold, and that's it. Simon responds that they have to free Mal, then. Book tries to get information about Mal's location out of Badger, but it seems they've misunderstood why Badger's there. Zoe realizes that Badger doesn't want them to free Mal. She's right. Badger explains that Persephone's his home and he has to work there. If somebody he brought in starts making trouble, it will ruin his reputation (such as it is) and he won't get any more business. He tells them all that they're going to settle in until it all blows over.
He's interrupted by the weird whining sound that comes out of one of these future shotguns when they're cocked. It sounds like a camera flash charging. Maybe they have the option to shoot people, or to just take their picture. Just make sure you pull the right trigger. "Say cheese!" BLAM! Anyway, that would be Jayne, up on the catwalk, pointing a gun at Badger's head. Zoe smiles grimly, but tells Jayne that he shouldn't. Why? Because at the other end of the cargo bay, all of Badger's other men are there with guns -- and Kaylee.
Back at some hotel, Inara stealthily heads over to a door and uses some sort of doorknob key to open it. Inside, Mal is practicing with a sword, badly. Inara calls his name, surprising him and causing him to smack the sword into a column, where it becomes stuck. He asks Inara what she's doing there. She says that Atherton's a heavy sleeper when he's got a big day following, and snarks, "He's got that killing in the morning, then a haircut later." They snark at each other about the fancy-schmancy accommodations. Mal asks Inara why she's still attached to Atherton. She responds that it's her decision to make, not his. Mal says Atherton made it pretty clear that he had no regard for Inara. Inara suggests that Mal pushed Atherton into making a nasty comment in order to justify punching him. Mal says it seemed like the thing to do. He asks why it all suddenly got so complicated. He didn't do so well with geometry as a kid, so the whole "love triangle" concept befuddles him. And that's without bringing Simon into the mix.
Inara says that things are about to get simpler, and explains that she arranged it so that Mal can escape. But no, now that Mal's got his testosterone going, he's gotta have his Alpha Male Face-Off. Mal says that he was really trying to protect Inara's honor, and insists that he never backs down from a fight. Inara points out that he runs from fights all the time. Well, yeah. But not this time! Inara asks how Mal's death will help her honor. Mal says that he's not going to die! He's going to win! And Inara's going to help him. Since she's educated and all, Mal tosses her a sword to tutor him on how to fight. Okay, I like the gender reversal here. A little. It's the only non-predictable part of the plot.
Back on the ship, Zoe, Simon, Kaylee, and Jayne are pretending to play poker in the cargo hold while trying to figure out if there's anything they can do. Wash is sitting to them, but not really participating. Badger's men guard them. Kaylee says that Mal said not to do anything. He insisted that he'd be back after winning the duel. Zoe diplomatically observes that it doesn't hurt to have a contingency plan. Simon suggests that since they're all unarmed, they should try to take them all by surprise. Zoe counter-suggests that they might be better off trying to lure a couple of them away. Like, say, to the infirmary. Take those men out and then take on Badger. Book is standing off to the side, reading the Bible. I don't think he's in position to hear the conversation. I doubt he'd have anything to contribute anyway. Jayne says that the plan would only work if they had something to divert Badger's attention away. He suggests that Zoe get naked. Wash looks up from the floor and says no. Then Jayne suggests that he get naked. Yes, that sounds like a perfect plan! Get naked and do pull-ups. How will this deal with Badger and his men? Who cares? Sadly, both Wash and Zoe vote no on the Jayne nekkidness. He looks disappointed. As do many of us. Kaylee and Simon were conspicuously silent at Jayne's suggestion.
Book slowly makes his way over to Simon and rests his hand on his shoulder. Simon turns around to see that River has wandered her way down a corridor to the cargo bay and is goggling around at everything. Perhaps KRZY is having a scavenger hunt and she's looking for an unused paintbrush? I'm a little unclear about what was going on here. I'm guessing that Badger and his crew didn't search the ship (idiots), so Simon didn't tell them about River in the hopes that she'd stay put and he wouldn't have to worry about her getting caught. But of course, River has to ruin it. Simon makes his way over to her; even though she's standing right at the edge of the cargo bay, not a single member of Badger's Bad-Asses has noticed her. Book moves back over to the other side of the room, standing right behind Badger and reading his book, so it obscures his view of what's going on. Simon whispers to River, trying to get her to go back into her room, but she's strangely playful and keeps telling Simon to "pull." Don't do it, Simon! The fart will definitely draw Badger's attention. Oops, too late anyway. Badger hears the noise and heads on over. Badger badgers Simon about River, asking who she is. He says she's just a passenger. Badger wonders why she doesn't talk, and asks if she has a secret. Suddenly River slips on a Cockney accent that mimics Badger's and says that she indeed has plenty of secrets, but she's not likely to tell them to him. She says, "Anyone off Dyton Colony knows better 'an to talk to strangers." The anti-heroes all look at each other in confusion. River than reaches over and fondles some pin on Badger's lapel that looks like a flamingo. She says that Badger is speaking "loudly enough for the both of [them]." She babbles that Badger was the type of guy who engaged in "minor graft" and served some time in lockdown -- but less than he claims. She says, "And now you're what? Petty thieves with delusions of standing? You're a sad little king of a sad little hill."
And then Badger shoots her dead. No, apparently not. Apparently, Badger's so enamored of the idea that River is from his old colony, that he doesn't even care that she just ripped him to shreds. He says it's nice to see somebody from the old homestead. River says, "Not really." She turns to Simon and says, "Call me if anybody interesting shows up," and then heads back down the corridor. Simon looks terribly confused. Jayne says to the others, "That there? Exactly the kind of diversion they could have used." Oops. But they didn't. Now maybe they'll revisit that "Nekkid Jayne" plan.
Back at the hotel room, Mal and Inara are sparring. With swords, as opposed to the usual sparring, though they're going to be doing that, too. Inara is kicking Mal's ass. Actually, she's thwapping it with the flat of her sword. Kinky. She explains that the problem is that Mal is swinging the sword like he's chopping wood. He has to thrust it, sometimes. Thrust your sword, Mal! Thrust! Mal argues that chopping is a stronger attack. Inara points out that it's also slower. Inara points out that speed is more important than strength: "We're fragile creatures. It takes less than a pound of pressure to break skin." Wow, she's had some kinky clients. Time to switch back to the verbal sparring. Mal asks if Inara learned all these fancy details at the "whore academy." Inara backs off and points out that Mal has a strange sense of nobility. He laid out Atherton for treating Inara like she's a whore, but he's not afraid to call her names about it. Mal explains that the difference is that while Mal doesn't respect Inara's job, Atherton didn't respect Inara as a person. Inara snarks that death should sort out the issue to everybody's satisfaction. Mal shoots back that it was the rules of Inara's society that brought about the duel in the first place. Inara shoots back that Mal never follows the rules anyway, no matter what society he's in. She angrily points out that Mal doesn't even have any respect for his fellow criminals, and that's why he's constantly getting into trouble. Mal retorts that Inara will follow the rules that will give her a nice life, even if it's as somebody's slave. Then he sort of meekly asks her not to take Atherton's offer. Inara is surprised. He tries to pawn it off by saying that if Atherton's in the position to repeat his offer to Inara, that means Mal's dead, and he doesn't like people who kill him. Okay, then. Oh, and he luuuuuurves Inara. He asks her again not to take Atherton's offer. She looks at him longingly, because she luuuuuurves him, then excuses herself to go back to Atherton's room. She tells him that Atherton will be up early. Mal swings his sword around and thinks about thrusting. Ew, not that way. Actually, probably that way, too.
Morning. Atherton snottily takes off his twee jacket as everybody prepares for the duel by a lake. Inara's there. Sir Benny is there by Mal's side. Everybody ready? After some silent preparation, the duel begins. Parry. Thrust. Parry. Thrust. Atherton is clearly in control of the duel. He toys with Mal, making him think that he's doing a better job than he is. Mal is falling for it, but both Benny and Inara recognize what's happening on the sidelines. More dueling. Atherton has an obnoxious smirk on his face the whole time. You've got to give the actor credit -- it's like he was born to play roles like this. Eventually, Atherton slashes Mal's shoulder. More dueling. Atherton decides to bait Mal by just standing there with his sword behind him. Mal falls for it. That annoys me, because Mal is supposed to be pretty clever and there's no way he shouldn't have seen through that. But he doesn't. He rushes Atherton, who quickly spins away and stabs Mal in the torso, drawing quite a bit of blood. Ow. Sir Benny points out that this duel might not last very long.
Commercials. We return to the duel. Mal is losing. Sir Benny warns Inara that they're coming up to the end, and she might not want to watch. More dueling. Eventually, Atherton pushes Mal's hand down to the ground and steps on the sword, breaking the blade. Atherton holds his sword at Mal's neck. Inara interrupts Mal's pending execution and begs Atherton not to kill Mal. She says she'll take Atherton's offer if he doesn't. Atherton turns to look at Inara, and that's all the opening Mal needs. Yay! Cheating! Mal pushes Atherton's sword away, then punches him in the mouth. Atherton drops his sword and falls back a few steps. Mal picks up his broken blade off the ground and throws it into Atherton's shoulder. Ow! As Atherton is pulling the blade out, Mal picks up Atherton's sword and whacks him on the head with the hilt guard, knocking him down to the ground. Mal's in charge now.
Sir Benny rushes over to Mal's side and urges him to finish Atherton off. He explains, "For a man to lay beaten, yet breathing? It makes him a coward." Isn't that always the way with duels? If you lose, but don't die, you're a coward. Whereas if some complete stranger on the street started chasing you with a knife, and you ran away, nobody would blame you. Inara points out that it would be humiliation. Yes, we all know that death is preferable to humiliation. Right? Well, maybe if you're a teenager. Mal says, "Sure, it would be humiliating having to lie there while the better man refuses to spill your blood. Mercy is the mark of a great man." Then Mal pokes Atherton in the stomach with the sword: "I guess I'm just a good man." Poke. "Well, I'm all right." He tosses the sword away and limps off. Inara helps him walk.
Atherton shouts to Inara as she walks away with Mal. Sir Benny tells Atherton that he's lost her. Atherton shouts out, "You set this up, whore! After I bought and paid for you. I should have uglied you up so nobody else would want you." Mal says to Inara, "See how I'm not punching him? I think I've grown." I think it's more that you're not in a position to be punching anybody at the moment. Another twee guy helps Atherton to his feet, so he can threaten Inara to use his connections to make sure that she never works again. Inara, though, is unafraid, and tells Atherton that the opposite is true. Once she reports his behavior to the guild, no companion will accept offers from him, ever again. Sir Benny snarks, "You'll have to rely on your winning personality to get women. God help you." Yeah, rich assholes have a really hard time getting laid.
Sir Benny heads over to join Mal and Inara. He points out that he didn't have to keep wounding Atherton. Mal responds, "Yeah, I know. It was just funny." It turns out that Mal hasn't just won Inara's love; he's won Sir Benny's as well. Not that sort of love. Sir Benny isn't pretty enough. Anyway, Sir Benny agrees to give Mal his cargo to smuggle for him. Well, it's a good thing that Sir Benny hated Atherton and wasn't a good friend or anything, wasn't it? Contrivance can be clever that way. Mal works the episode title in my telling Inara, "Mighty fine shindig!" as they limp away.
Back on the ship, the crew continues trying to plot a way to escape. Simon is talking to Book. Jayne tells Zoe that they're ready to act on her command. Simon has agreed to be the diversion. Is he going to get naked? He's no Jayne, but you won't get any complaints from me. Sadly, we'll never find out. Well, sweeps are coming, though, and the ratings are in the toilet, so who knows? They show John Doe's ass all the time, and that show's getting better ratings. Anyway, we won't find out in this episode. Just as they're about to implement their plan, Mal comes limping back, snarking about his lazy crew. They're all surprised and happy to see him. Simon points out that he's hurt. Yes, and fixing him will require shirtlessness. I'm sure Simon's happy. Badger asks Mal if he got the deal. He did. He orders Badger and his Bad-Asses off the ship. They go. Status quo recovered.
Cut to a distance shot of Serenity soaring through space. For some reason, it looks really, really fake. I can't quite explain why, though. It looks like a picture of the ship was painted on a transparency, and then dragged across a background of stars while being filmed.
Kaylee wanders down a corridor, singing to herself. She finds the ladder that leads down to her quarters. She has her name painted at the top of her ladder with flowers and everything to indicate that it's her room. Aww, how girly. She climbs down into her tiny quarters, which are decorated with all sorts of Chinese knickknacks and lights. She sits down on her tiny bed and turns on some sort of radio that's playing snotty string quartet music. As the camera pans back, we see that her ugly, frilly pink dress is hanging from the ceiling at the end of her bed so she can look at it whenever she wants. Aww, how girly.
Inara and Mal sit on a catwalk overlooking the cargo bay, drinking wine that Kaylee fermented somehow in the engine. Yummy! Mal winces in pain. Inara asks if he's still in pain. Uh duh. He tries to show Inara his wound, but she refuses to look. Mal says that he doesn't like these fancy parties of Inara's because they're "too rough." Inara points out that it wasn't all bad. Mal points out the whole getting-stabbed thing again. But Inara adds that Mal lined up "exciting new crime." Mal adds that it's good to have cargo, even if it makes them the target of scavengers. Awkward pause. Inara says that she's grateful to Mal for defending her honor, even though she didn't need or want him to. Mal says, looking back, perhaps he should have stayed out of "[her] world." Inara wonders aloud if that really is her world. She admits to Mal that she didn't plan on staying. You know, in case any of you thought she would. Nobody did, did they? I didn't think so. Mal asks why not. Because she lurrrrrrves you! Oh, but she can't say that. It's too early in the season. She says that somebody needs to keep Kaylee out of trouble, and that all her things are here. She concludes, "And besides, why would I want to leave Serenity?" Mal responds that he can't think of a reason. As we pan down, we see the ship's cargo. It's live cattle. The cows wait patiently for Mal and Inara to finish their lines before they start mooing. How considerate of them.
: Book gets shot. River gets burned at the stake. Is it my birthday already?