Shindig

Blah blah "used up" blah blah blah.

We open in yet another dusty, smoke-filled bar with Chinese lanterns as decorations. I bet they just used the bar set from "The Train Job" and shot it from a different angle. Jayne drinks something out of what looks like a dog bowl. Insert your own joke about what a beast he is. He's also chomping on the end of a cigar, if that sort of thing turns you on. He and Mal appear to be playing pool with some guy who is talking about converting some ship with stronger doors and locks to keep people in place. I'm going to just call him Opening Conflict Guy Jr., for reasons that will soon become apparent. As he tries to make a shot, the billiard balls fitz out briefly. See, it's holo-pool. With real sticks and a real table, but with fake billiard balls. Because. Opening Conflict Guy Jr. complains to the bartender by exclaiming, "Way?!" So the future has been shaped by Westerns, China, andWayne's World? The bartender points to a sign that reads, "Management not responsible for ball failure." I wrote three jokes in response to that sign, but deleted them all because they were all so terribly predictable and I'm sure you all thought of them immediately yourself when you saw the sign.

They play pool some more. The table makes weird sound effects because the holographic billiard balls aren't quite futuristic enough. Jayne asks Opening Conflict Guy Jr. if he made a lot of money off this last gig he's talking about. Junior says that he made money "hand over fist." He explains, "Water planets need labor. Terraforming crews got a prodigious death rate." So Junior is transporting labor. Or more specifically, as Mal points out, slaves. Are slaves different from indentured servants? I'm wondering how people end up as slaves in this environment. Anyway, Mal goes on to theorize that Junior wasn't exactly making an effort to keep the slaves fed in transport, and saved money by not providing adequate rations. Junior says he didn't hear any complaints.

After missing his shot, Mal heads over to the bar, where Inara just so happens to be hanging out. Mal suggests to Inara that she might want to head back to the ship. Inara doesn't want to go. She finds the game entertaining. As Inara sips a girly drink, she observes, "As with other situations, the key seems to be giving Jayne a heavy stick and standing back." How can they give me lines like that and not expect me to make gay jokes? Jayne, it seems, is an excellent pool player, and is cleaning up the table.

Mal insists to Inara that she really should consider heading back to the ship because "there's a thief about." And that thief would be Mal. He holds up a big wad of money that he picked from Opening Conflict Guy Jr. Inara responds with shock, but also grabs the money from him to hide it on her person. I'm not quite sure why. I think he wanted her to carry it back to the ship before the fight broke out. But then Junior puts his hand on Mal's shoulder and says, "Way," in a serious tone of voice. From this, Mal somehow is able to determine that Junior has discovered the theft already. Hell if I know. Anyway, Mal turns around and decks Junior, starting the opening conflict. Jayne fights Junior's partner. Mal smirks at Inara after knocking Junior down. Then Inara edges away down the bar, and Mal is knocked down by a sound effect. Seriously, I watched it frame by frame. There's a punch sound and Mal goes down, but nothing hit him that is visible in the frame. Oh, wait. When we he falls to the ground, you can barely get a glimpse of a guy on the floor who tripped him. Very bad blocking on that one. Mal hits somebody with a chair. Jayne hits somebody with a pool cue. Chairs fly. Mal does that hockey shirt-pulling trick. As Mal escorts Inara out, she says, "Lovely place. I'll be sure to tell all my friends." Well, it was fine until the three of you showed up. Jayne punctuates this by throwing a man across the bar, as required by television barroom brawl rules.

None of this has anything to do with the plot of tonight's episode, incidentally, other than to show us that Mal generally chooses to steal from "bad" people.

Credits. You can't take the ska from me.

We return from commercials with a shot of Serenity soaring through space. On the bridge, Wash and Zoe chat about the fact that they seem to have left Santo in a hurry. Zoe mentions that they seem to generally leave places in a hurry. All those botched missions certainly keep them on their toes. Zoe exposits that they're going to be staying on Persephone for a little while. If you remember your Matt Fielding-induced exposition from the second episode, Persephone is where the ship picked up Book, Simon, and River. Wash thinks it's "shiny" that they'll be docked for a while. Zoe is surprised, and says that she thought that Wash would get "land crazy" if he's stuck at port for a while. What exactly would that entail? Freaking out because the ground seems to follow you everywhere? Worrying that the gravity is going to crush your skull? Wash jokes that he's been sane for a while now, so change is good.

Mal joins them on the bridge to admire the sunset they can see through the windows as they approach Persephone, which appears to be a fairly large planet. Zoe makes some mention of Persephone becoming their second home. Mal insists that it's not -- there are too many people there they need to avoid. Soon there will be a few more. He says they're just there to refuel, resupply, and look for work: "Sniff the air. We don't kiss the dirt." Zoe says she wasn't planning on any dirt-kissing. Wash jokes that he wouldn't let her anyway, because he's the jealous type. They start heading down to the planet, but they're going a little too fast because Wash isn't really paying attention. He nervously makes corrections and worries about crashing. Mal says, "Well, if that happens, let me know," as he leaves. Okay, then.

Cut to Inara's Shuttle Of Elegant Debauchery. It looks like Inara is playing some sort of puzzle game on her monitor that involves sliding images of men's faces around. She's making arrangements to, uh, bask in the compatibility of somebody's aura on Persephone. She quickly deletes a couple of faces. She taps on a face, and it pops open full-screen to reveal some boy who looks like Kelso in fey dandy attire. He clumsily stammers out that if Inara agrees to meet with him, it would honor hishonor. Dude! Lay off the weed when you're trying to secure a space hooker.

A chime interrupts Kelso's desperate begging, so Inara closes his face and taps on another image. It opens up to introduce us to Chris Sarandon's heir to the "smarmy twerp" throne. This guy's name is Atherton Wing. What, no "III"? He even looks a little like Sarandon, except younger and prettier. In his snottiest voice, he says, "Now there's the smile made of sunlight." Ew. How could Inara have not known what a twit this guy is with lines like that? She responds that she's happy to see Atherton again. Okay, so this is an actual video call now, not a message. I was a bit confused for a second. They slip into exposition mode in their chatting. Atherton sent Inara an invitation to the biggest social event of the season. He asks if she'll accompany him. He also mentions some sort of offer he made to Inara that he's waiting for a response about. Just then, there's a knock on the shuttle door. Inara says that she will accompany him to the event, then ends the call to go answer the door.

It's Mal, of course, in order to remind us all that despite the fact that she's a space hooker, Inara has feelings for a non-client. Mal greets her and tells her they'll be landing soon, and the local time will be 10:00 AM. Her luggage will be on Carousel 3, and she should follow the signs to the taxi stand. Mal notes the image of Atherton still on Inara's monitor, and asks her if she's making plans. Duh. He recognizes Atherton's name as somebody Inara has worked with before. Inara covers the monitor with a frilly curtain for privacy as Mal says that Atherton's younger than he expected. He assumes that Atherton's rich in order to afford Inara's rates. Inara responds, "I suppose," and adds that he has engaged her for several days. Mal says that Atherton must have a lot of stamina. Inara's wearing a hideous, shiny copper and aquamarine tunic-style dress. She mentions that they'll be attending a ball this evening. Mal wonders if all the women there will be paid for. Not in the hooker sense, no. Inara will be in the minority in that respect. Inara snarks, "Perhaps the other men couldn't attract one?" Yeah, those poor men. They're going to have to find women who are willing to go out with them for free. It's a cruel, cruel universe. Mal says that it sounds like the finest party he could ever get "paid to go to." Inara says that she doesn't think the party would be up to Mal's usual standards -- too much dancing and schmoozing, not enough petty theft and getting hit with pool cues. So I guess Winona Ryder and Jack Nicholson won't be there? Inara suggests that Mal go somewhere else and prepare for the whole "ten in the morning issue," whatever the hell that may mean. I think it's just a nonsensical setup for Mal's line. He pulls on his suspenders and says that Inara's right -- what he's wearing is more like an "evening" look.

We cut to the mean, dusty, crowded, dusty, hectic, and really dusty streets of Persephone. Mal, Kaylee, Zoe, Wash, and Jayne are wandering around to some unknown destination. Kaylee notes a store nearby where women are modeling giant, frilly dresses. She says, "Ooh! Look at the pretties!" Wash asks if he should be looking at the dresses or the girls. Zoe suggests that he confine himself to admiring the dresses. Seriously, if I were into women and had Zoe, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't even notice the existence of other females. Jayne, lagging behind, asks, "There's girls?" Kaylee admires a puffy pink dress, but Zoe says that it has too much "fooferaw." She says that if she were to wear a dress, it would be something with some "slink." This certainly gets Wash's imagination going, so he offers to buy Zoe a slinky dress. He asks Mal if he can have some money to buy Zoe a slinky dress. Jayne offers to chip in, prompting Zoe to observe, "I can hurt you." He'd probably like that. Kaylee says she only sees dresses that nice in Inara's wardrobe. Zoe points out that Inara needs dresses like that with the "life she leads." The discussion of Inara annoys Mal, and he prompts them that they should get moving. Kaylee ignores him and comments that sometimes Inara's clients buy her stuff. Essentially, Kaylee is envious of Inara's life and it's starting to bug Mal. Eventually he spits out, "What are you going to do in that rig? Flounce around the engine room? Be like a sheep walking on its hind legs." Ow. Kaylee looks at Mal like he just ran over her dog. Zoe gives Mal a "you're a damned idiot, sir" look and takes the supplies he's carrying from him. She tells him, "See you on the ship, Captain," as she, Kaylee, and Wash load the supplies up on the ATV and drive away, leaving him there with Jayne. Jayne asks, "Is [Kaylee] mad or something?"

Right after the rest of the crew is gone, Mal hears something and turns around to find a man pointing a gun at him. In the middle of the street. Nobody else seems to care. This is the civilized part of the Hinterplanets? A man who looks like Ted from Queer as Folk, but dressed up like a British dandy (complete with bowler hat), strides up to them. Mal recognizes him and calls him "Badger." In a Cockney accent, Badger invites them for "a bit of a sit-down." Mal suggests instead "a bit of a piss off." But since Mal's not the one with the gun, Badger's suggestion wins.

Cut to some dank room. Mal and Jayne sit at a table. Mal says that last time they talked to Badger, they were "all manner of unwelcome." Jayne drinks some tea. He says it's not bad. Badger says that the secret to it is wood alcohol. Mmmdelicious blindness. Mal wonders why they're suddenly "favored guests" of Badger's. As Jayne hogs all the finger sandwiches -- yes, there are finger sandwiches at this little psychotic tea party -- Mal wants to know what's up. Badger explains that there's a rich guy, one Warrick Harrow, who has some merchandise he wants to sell off-world. Apparently, that's not allowed. Why trade would be embargoed between planets, given the limited resources they all seem to have, is an unanswered question. Unless, of course, it's to make sure that each planet's resources stay limited.

Anyway, Warrick is looking for a way around this. Badger says he's willing to cut Mal in on a smuggling operation. Mal wonders why Badger needs Serenity; Badger's got his own ships and crew. Badger says that Warrick won't deal with him and has taken an "irrational" dislike to him. With his mouth full, Jayne asks, "Wha' happen? He see your face?" Badger gives Jayne a look, then tells Mal that Warrick doesn't think Badger is "respectable" enough to deal with. Mal, though, might have a chance. Mal points out that Badger screwed them over the last time they had a deal. Badger blames it on them, claiming that Mal was being all snooty about it. Badger whines that Mal thinks he's better than other people. Well, I have to give the show credit for recognizing this personality trait of Mal's. Mal shoots back that he only thinks he's better than people he's better than. Just because that happens to be everybody, it's not his fault, now, is it? Mal realizes that this quality is what Badger is looking for. Badger agrees that the stick up Mal's "pee goo" (I don't think I need to translate that) is about the size of the one Warrick's got. He knows where Mal can meet with Warrick. An event of sorts. Really fancy. Hard to get in. Badger says, "Of course, you can't buy an invite with a diamond the size of a testicle. I got my hands on a couple." Mal giggles. Jayne giggles. I giggle. You giggled, too. Don't deny it. Badger sees Beavis and Butthead's reactions and clarifies that he got his hands on a couple of invitations. Not testicles.

Cut to the fancy-schmancy Ball Of Neo-Victorian Snobbery. A man "introduces" the various couples before they enter. That's the mark of a truly snobbish gathering. Unless some guy yells out your name as you arrive, it's not a real ball. One guy sets off some sort of matrix-like force field as he tries to walk in. Ah, that's their futuristic weapons detector. No guns are allowed at the ball. Atherton and Inara are introduced. Inara's last name is Serra, by the way. She's wearing a bland gold-colored dress, along with tons of jewelry and a tiara.

A string quartet plays snottily. People dance snottily. It's every snotty rich ball you've ever seen in any period film, ever. Inara waves to somebody she knows. She curtseys before an elderly man and says something in Chinese ("I turned down a date with you because you're old and ugly and the viewers don't want to see that"). Atherton is dressed in some incredibly fey suit that makes him look like a desk clerk at an Asian-themed Vegas hotel. He observes that half the men in the room wish they were on Inara's arm tonight. Inara jokes, "Only half? I must be losing my undefinable allure." Atherton says that her allure isn't all that undefinable and adds, "All of them wish that they were in your bed." Inara looks embarrassed at this comment, realizing Atherton just essentially said that her appeal is based entirely on her physical appearance and that half the men here would only want her for sex. Perhaps Inara isn't as good at reading her clients' auras or whatever as she thinks she is? Atherton tells Inara that he finds her to be a very "singular" woman, and is growing to admire her more and more. They start dancing with the other couples.

Back on the ship, Kaylee is busy welding something in the engine room. Mal strides in, calling her name. Kaylee says she's not speaking to him. Mal says she doesn't have to talk; he's got a job for her. Kaylee looks annoyed.

Ball Of Neo-Victorian Snobbery. Everybody continues to dance, snottily. It seems that the "offer" that Atherton made to Inara earlier was to essentially buy her, as opposed to renting her. He tells her while they're dancing (snottily) that he's offering her a life. She can live on Persephone as Atherton's personal companion. Inara says that's a generous offer, but doesn't give a definitive answer. She greets somebody else she knows on the dance floor. Atherton tells Inara that she "belongs" here on Persephone, not on "that piece of gos se." I believe that's Chinese for "sea cucumber." Inara is shocked at Atherton's language. Atherton insists that Serenity is a piece of sea cucumber. Suddenly, the doorman announces "Miss Kaywinnit Lee Frye and escort." Kaywinnit? Yikes. Maybe her parents are evil, after all. Inara stops dancing and looks over to the entryway in surprise. Kaylee enters, wearing the ridiculously frilly pink dress she saw earlier. She looks less like a sheep on two legs than like Little Bo Peep. Mal follows her in as "the escort" in a fancy Western-style tuxedo. Inara declares, "Oh, sea cucumber."

Commercials. Drinking chocolate milk turns you into an inconsiderate prick. Drink chocolate milk!

We return to The Fancy-Schmancy Snobby Ball Of Snotty Upper-Class Snobbery. Kaylee gawks at everything as Mal leads her to the main area. They watch the people dancing (snottily). Mal asks Kaylee if his pants seem a little tight. Kaylee says that it shows off his backside. His jacket has tails, though, so you're just going to have to do without. Sorry. Kaylee marvels at the hovering chandelier. Mal wonders why they would bother with that much effort. Yeah, it's not as simple and reasonable a use of technology as holographic billiard balls. Kaylee goggles some more at everything. Mal reminds her that she's supposed to make him look respectable. She responds, "Yessir, Captain Tightpants." They start looking around for their man. Kaylee suggests that they say "halloo" to Inara should they see her. Mal pretends to be indifferent, but he knows what color dress Inara is wearing, so you know he cares. He cares! Bleah. Anyway, the guy they're looking for is older, tubby, and is wearing a red sash. Kaylee points over to the corner and asks if that's him. Mal looks over and responds, "That's the buffet table." Kaylee: "Well, how can we be sure unless we question it?" Mal allows her to wander over and snack on the free snob chow.

Back on Serenity, Simon and Jayne are playing strip poker. Okay, they're not. It's normal poker. Well, it's not normal poker, but it's not strip poker. Sorry. Also, Book is there. Also, sorry. And River is wandering around in the background, quietly listening to KRZY's food and nutrition programming. Again, sorry. The guys are playing some futuristic variation of poker, and instead of chips, they're bidding on chores.

As the men bid, River starts pulling cans of food out of a box over in the pantry and ripping the labels off. According to KRZY's nutritionist, unlabeled food has no calories. That's how River stays so thin. Book wins the latest round of cards. The weird thing about the poker is that when he wins, he gets the "chips" that represent chores. These indicate things that he doesn't have to do. So how do they decide who actually has to do the chores? Does Book assign them? Oops, the Department of Overthinking just sent me a note, telling me that I'm taxing their servers. Sorry.

A box of crackers seems to have set River off -- perhaps she's upset about Farscape's cancellation, too -- and she starts muttering nonsensical things like "these are the ones that take you," as she lays the crackers on the counter and starts crushing them. Book and Simon finally notice her and rush over to calm her down. While they're over there, assuring her that everything's okay, Jayne steals some of Book's "chips." River mutters something about "hands that go everywhere" as Simon holds her and eventually calms her down. Book says that they'll have some mystery meals because of the cans, but no real harm was done. Jayne nonchalantly asks, "Are we gonna play cards, or are we gonna screw around?" Do I get a vote? No? Dammit.

Oops, I stepped all over the transition. Jayne's comment about screwing around is meant to be one of those ironical segue thingies. We cut to Zoe and Wash, screwing around. Well, post-screwing around. They lie in bed, naked and sweaty. Zoe says that she thought Wash wanted to spend some time off the ship on this trip. Wash says that Persephone's full of fancy parties, but he likes their parties better: "The dress code is easier, and I know all the steps." Zoe starts to fall asleep, but Wash reminds her that she can't because she's acting captain. There's reference to Jayne "slitting [her] throat and taking over" if he has the opportunity. Zoe doesn't seem to be taking this very seriously, so I think it's a massive exaggeration. Though we don't know how much. Wash jokes that he's done all he can to warn Zoe, so he'll be sure to read a nice poem at her funeral. Zoe suggests that Wash lock the door, instead. But Wash is all caught up in composing Zoe's poetic eulogy: "Here lies my beloved Zoe, my autumn flower. Somewhat less attractive now that she's all corpsified and gross." They start fooling around again. Aww.

Back at The Fancy-Schmancy Snobby Ball Of Rich Snotheads, Kaylee plucks a strawberry from the buffet. She stands to some guy wearing a suit that looks like it's made of brown vinyl. She comments that the dancers are pretty and look like butterflies, or "pieces of wrapping paper, blowing around." The man gives Kaylee a quick bow, then walks away without a word. You've got to stop flirting with the gay ones, Kaylee.

Kaylee heads over to a pack of four girls that I'm simply go to refer to as "The Heathers." Kaylee greets them, and Head Heather doesn't know who she is, of course. Kaylee introduces herself. Head Heather introduces herself and her friends. They all have ridiculous names, so they might as well all be Heather. Kaylee marvels over the wonderfulness of the event. Heather Two says it was better last year. Kaylee asks what they had last year that is different from this year. Heather Two: "Standards." Meow. Head Heather asks Kaylee who made her dress. Kaylee blathers on about how much she knew she wanted it when she saw all the ruffles. Head Heather suggests that Kaylee might want to talk to her "girl." Kaylee's all "who in the what huh?" Head Heather explains that Kaylee's "girl" made her a dress that looks like she bought it in a store.

As Kaylee withers under the contempt of the snotty rich snobs of Snotterton, an older man wanders up to save the day. He greets Head Heather and marvels at her dress, telling her it must have taken a dozen slaves a dozen days to get her into it. She demures to his compliments. But then he puts the screws to her by adding, "Of course, your daddy tells me it takes the space of a schoolboy's wink to get you out of it again." The Heathers are humiliated, and rush off to go "well, I never!" at each other in the powder room. The man apologizes to Kaylee for his rudeness, but says he cannot abide "useless people." Kaylee chuckles.

Mal wanders around and finally finds the man he's looking for. Their contact is Benny from L.A. Law! I'm just going to call him Benny, because Warrick is a really stupid name. Mal wanders over and greets Benny, mistakenly calling him "mister." Benny corrects him that he's "Sir [Benny]." See, the red sash indicates that he's a lord, not Mr. Snob King 2157. Mal apologizes, and explains that he captains a ship and heard that Sir Benny is interested in moving some merchandise off-world. Mal stops for a moment to notice Inara dancing with Atherton. Sir Benny plays dumb and insists that he's an "honest man." Mal ripostes that there's nothing wrong with getting Sir Benny's goods to the people who need them. Benny asks Mal who he represents. Mal mentions Badger's name. They both think that Badger is a psychotic lowlife. Actually, Mal thinks he's even worse than that. Anyway, they both hate and don't trust Badger, but Mal insists that the deal is solid.

At that moment, Atherton drags Inara over to say hello to Sir Benny. Inara introduces Mal to Atherton. Mal "jokes" that he didn't know Inara was going to this party. In an annoyed "What are you doing on my turf?" voice, Inara points out that this was the only party. Oh, I suspect that all those slaves are having some fun of their own, now that all the snobs are away. They even have their own games, like "Peeing In The Master's Best Bourbon." Mal says he can see why and compliments the floating chandelier, pointing out, "It almost outshines our girl, here." We pan down to see that Atherton is clutching Inara's arm rather tightly. I think that "our girl" reference didn't really please him. Plus he's a snotty, smarmy prick, and I fail to see how anybody could be surprised. Mal tells Atherton that Inara has spoken highly of him and praised his generosity. Given that he's so generous, would he object to Mal asking Inara for a dance? Atherton stares at Mal, stone-faced, but says, "Of course." Inara looks annoyed, but joins Mal on the dance floor. After they leave, Sir Benny tells Atherton, "You're a brave man." Atherton responds, "I know what's mine."

Inara and Mal participate in some twee, snotty Victorian dance of some sort. I don't know what it is or the style, and I don't care. Inara wants to know what Mal's doing there. He explains, rather loudly given the surroundings, that he was talking to Sir Benny about a smuggling job when they came over to bother her. Inara insists that Mal was staring. Mal insists that he just glanced over. Mal is correct, by the way. He mentions that Inara "stands out" in the crowd. Inara says that, given his line of work, Mal is actually the one who stands out. I don't know; he's seems to be doing pretty well with the snotty dancing. There's a bunch of sexual-tension bickering about the fact that Inara is a space hooker and Mal is a thief. What Inara does is legal but dishonest. What Mal does is illegal but honest. This is from Mal's perspective, of course. Mal points out that Atherton is parading Inara around as if he actually "won" her, and everybody goes along with it. Okay, paying for companionship might be a little sad, but acting like a woman agreeing to voluntarily date a guy means that he "won" her is just as sad, or even more so. It's still treating her like an object. Inara insists that she likes these people, and Atherton as well. Mal responds, "Well, sure. What's not to like? I'm liable to sleep with him myself." Inara insists that Atherton likes her, and made her "an offer" to become his personal companion. She says it may seem pretentious, but it would be a great life for her. Mal agrees that he has "no call" to stop her from having a happy life. There's a quick shot of smirking, evil Atherton leering at them in dismay, just in case that you didn't quite understand that Inara would never be happy with Atherton. Inara notes that she sees Kaylee around. Mal says that she was thrilled when he let her have that "layer cake" of a dress. Inara says she thinks Kaylee looks adorable. Mal responds, "Yeah, but I never said it," meaning, I think, that he realizes that he's being a jerk to her.