Hey, they've changed the intro! Well, not quite. The images seem to be mostly the same, but now they've got Mal narrating it rather than Book. And he gives a little more detail about himself and the crew, and they've added shots of the non-crew passengers as well. Probably for the benefit of new viewers, which is good. Though Mal still refers to the earth getting "used up." And he calls River a "genius," which makes my teeth itch. He also rushes through the intro and is impossible to understand in parts. It sounds like they dragged Nathan Fillion into a studio on Friday afternoon to record the new intro as quickly as possible. In fact, the captions still read out as the old intro.
Exterior shot of Serenity, floating silently in space. Melancholy music begins to play. Shot of the bridge, empty. Shot of a corridor, empty. Shot of the dining area, empty. Lots of emptiness on Serenity. An emptiness that we are led to believe is tragic, because of the music, and not because everybody's off at a rodeo on Hephaestus IV.
A shot of a seemingly empty cargo bay. We get a close-up of the metal grating on the floor of part of the bay. Suddenly, Mal falls to the floor with a loud clang. That really must have hurt. Mal lies on the floor, looking all sweaty and pained, as a voice in Mal's head says, "She's a real beauty, ain't she? Tell you what? You buy this ship, treat her proper -- she'll be with you for the rest of her life."
We hear the sound of the cargo doors opening, and light shines down on Mal's face. But what's this? It's Mal opening the door as well, with Zoe by his side. A different Mal. A flashback Mal. Flashback Mal and Flashback Zoe are sort of washed out with yellow lighting. Mal asks Zoe what she thinks. Zoe responds, "You paid money for this, sir? On purpose?" Zoe thinks that Mal got robbed in the deal, and calls the ship a piece of "fei-oo." I believe that's Mandarin for "almond taffy." Mal admits that the ship won't win any beauty contests. Not with that attitude, she won't. But, he adds, the ship is "solid" and will last until "the day [we] die." Zoe observes that this is because the ship is a deathtrap. Mal encourages Zoe to think about the future and what it means for them. Zoe asks, "What's that?" Mal starts to explain his plans, but Zoe's question was literal. Apparently, there's something nasty on the floor that we can't see. Amusingly, whatever it is seems to be located in nearly the exact spot where we left the other Mal. Flashback Mal tells her to just "step around it." Mal explains that he wants to hire a mechanic, get the ship running, add a pilot and maybe a cook, and they'll get to fly around in space, living like "real people." They'll do jobs as they find them, "and [they'll] never have to be under the heel of nobody, ever again." Zoe recalls back to the part where Mal said "get her running," and realizes that this means the ship currently doesn't work. But it will, Mal promises. As they head off into a corridor awash in yellow lighting, Mal tells Zoe that he's already got a name picked out for the ship.
Back in the present, blue-tinted Mal lies on the grating some more. He's steeling himself in the hopes that he hasn't gotten himself trapped in some awful time-travel story from Star Trek. Oh, he's bleeding, too. From the gut.
Credits. You can't take Ione Skye from me!
We return back to Mal on the floor. That metal grating is going to leave a nasty imprint on his face. He slowly pulls himself up to his knees. He's holding some sort of widget in his hand that looks like a cross between a stapler and a metal packing-tape dispenser. He makes his way up to his feet and gasps a few times. Slowly, he starts limping across the cargo bay to a corridor. Nathan does a really, really good job selling Mal's pain here without going too far and chewing up the scenery.
The Ironic Flashback Fairy pipes in the sound of people laughing in merriment. The camera pans up through the floor to the deck, where the crew is gathered around the dining table, yukking it up. The yellow lighting indicates that we're in the past again, and they're not laughing because they've finally gotten rid of stick-in-the-mud Mal. Book has just finished telling some lengthy story about his days in the monastery, which the others just find hysterical. We have no idea what happened, but it sounds like Book made a fool of himself, so Ha Ha Ha! Wash wanders in and realizes that he's missed out on the funny stories and the food. Not to worry, though; Zoe prepared him a plate. Wash declares that he loves his wife, and gives Zoe a kiss. Flashback Mal insists on interrupting dinner with some exposition. He asks Wash if they have their course set. They have. Wash has arranged the navigation for their trip to Greenleaf in such a way that they won't encounter any Alliance ships. Or any ships at all, for that matter. Of course, this means that a trip that normally takes a day will take a week. Mal doesn't seem to mind.
Kaylee starts cleaning up some plates, and Simon offers to help. Kaylee insists that Simon sit back down, because it's his turn to tell a funny story about being a doctor. Jayne observes, "Because sick people are high-larious." And on ER, they're also barometers reflecting the lives of the doctors. Simon gets about halfway through his story about some guy he treated in the emergency room, when our favorite man-ape gone wrong interrupts him to ask Inara if she's got any interesting "whorin' stories." Simon gives Jayne a priceless "Hey! No fair!" look. Oh, Jayne. You're such a naughty tease. If Simon had pigtails, Jayne would be pulling on them. Inara tells Jayne, "Oh, do I ever! Funny and sexy. You have no idea. And you never will." Everybody laughs. Inara explains that she doesn't discuss her clients. I suppose that would be bad for business if everybody knew that the mayor of Backwater liked to wear rubber pants while Inara poured cans of baked beans on his chest. Jayne pushes Inara, but she refuses.
Zoe says to Simon that Kaylee might need some help after all. Simon turns around to see that Kaylee has put together an impromptu cake for Simon with regular-sized candles. Everybody claps and wishes Simon a happy birthday. Simon is shocked, and wants to know how they found out. He turns to River for an explanation. River says, "'Day' is a vestigial mode of time measurement based on solar cycles. It's not applicable. I didn't get you anything." I knew I should have given that episode where River didn't have any lines a better grade. Mal explains that a new warrant for Simon's arrest showed up on the "Cortex." For some reason, it had Simon's birth date on it. Kaylee explains that she had to kind of improvise with the cake. They didn't have the right ingredients, so it's mostly protein. In fact, it's essentially the same goo that they had for dinner. Mmmm…protein cakes. Simon tells them all that he's "deeply moved." Mal slaps Jayne's arm away as he tries to sneak a fingerful of frosting. Jayne urges Simon to blow out the candles so that Jayne can give him his birthday spanking. Sorry! Actually, if Jayne's behavior is any indication, I think he wants Simon to give him the -- you know what? I'm just going to shut up now.
Simon breathes in to blow out the candles, but suddenly the lights start to flicker out on the ship. Jayne asks what that was. Kaylee thinks it was just a little "hiccup," but says she'll go to the engine room to take a look. Wash says he'll head up to the helm to make sure everything's okay up there. River says, "Fire," which Simon thinks is a reminder that he has to blow the candles out. He starts breathing in again, but it turns out that's not what River meant at all. As Kaylee starts heading toward the engine room, a huge ball of flame tears down the corridor toward her. Zoe sees it and reacts first, rushing over and pushing Kaylee out of the way. The blast of flame throws Zoe back into the table. Wash sees this and panics. River shouts, "Fire!" over and over again. Inara and Book rush over to see if Kaylee is okay. Wash and Simon rush over to Zoe.
Mal rushes over and seals the corridor. Then he runs out through another corridor, ordering Jayne to seal everything that leads below decks. Mal heads up to the bridge and flicks some switches that cause the cargo loading door to start opening. Simon looks over at unconscious Zoe, but needs his medical kit to figure out her condition. He tries to run down a corridor to his medical bay, but Jayne blocks him. That part of the ship is sealed off. Simon says that if he doesn't get his kit, Zoe could die. Jayne explains that if he lets Simon through, they'll all die. And the reason for that is because Mal is putting out the fire by sucking all the oxygen out of the lower deck into space. We watch as a snake of fire zooms through the corridors and get dragged out into space by the power of vacuum. It looks cool. Totally fake, but still cool.
Cut back to blue-tinted Mal of the present. He stumbles down some stairs, holding the widget, and opens a door to a corridor.
This prompts a shift back to the accident. Zoe is brought into the medical bay. Simon determines that she hasn't been burned, so the injuries must be internal. He putters around, doing medical stuff, while Wash begs Zoe to wake up. Mal sees Kaylee outside the bay and heads over to talk to her. Kaylee is just staring at Zoe. Mal tells Kaylee that he needs her to go to the engine room to figure out what's going on. Kaylee observes, "She ain't movin'," but she's referring to the ship, not Zoe. Mal repeats to her in a comforting manner that this is why she needs to go down to the engine room to figure out the problem. She agrees, and rushes off.
Simon continues to do medical things while Wash hovers over Zoe, getting in Simon's way. Mal tells Wash that he needs him to go to the bridge to see how bad things are. An angry Wash spits back that it's obvious things are "pretty damn bad." Mal tries to repeat his request, but Wash interrupts him and says, "I'm not leaving her side, Mal. So don't ask me again." Mal says that he wasn't asking; it was an order. Wash spits out something in Chinese ("bitter ladybug!") and tries to ignore Mal. Mal walks over and physically pulls Wash away, grabbing him by the collar and slamming him against the wall. Once again, he orders Wash up to the bridge. Wash gives Mal an angry, angry look, but complies.
And now we see the bridge all bathed in yellow light, so we're even further back in the land of flashbacks. I feel like I'm recapping Boomtown, suddenly. We hear Wash's voice explaining that something is "doable." He pulls himself out from underneath a console on the bridge. Oh my. Before he became Mr. Zoe, Wash was about thirty pounds heavier and had a bushy mustache. When he sits down on the pilot's seat, wearing a Hawaiian shirt and khakis, he looks like he's settling in with a beer and a bratwurst to watch the big game. Flashback Wash (hee! "Backwash") explains to Flashback Mal and a skeptical Flashback Zoe that with some modifications, it will be a nice, maneuverable ship. Mal asks if this means that Backwash will take the job. He says he might. Mal encourages him to keep fiddling with things and get settled in.
Out in the corridor, Zoe tells Mal that she doesn't like Backwash, because all great television couples are required to absolutely hate each other at first. Mal asks Zoe what bothers her about him. She can't put her finger on it. Something just bugs her. Mal explains that Wash had a whole bunch of recommendations. He adds that they finally got a "genius mechanic," so it's about time they got a pilot. This is the cue for some surfer dude to wander by and mention that nobody's ever called him a genius before. He says, "Shiny!" as he wanders off, which I think is future slang for "cool." That's not our Kaylee! Although they do seem to have similar hairstyles.
Cut back to the other flashback, with Zoe unconscious in the medical bay. Zoe's heart has stopped. Mal and Book rush in to help Simon. He asks Mal to pull a needle out of a nearby drawer. He does. It's a giant needle full of adrenaline, which Simon plunges directly into Zoe's chest, Pulp Fiction-style. Inara gasps and turns away.
In the blue-tinted now, shirtless Mal…okay, I'll stop for some of you to digest that. Nathan does nothing for me, but you all drool as much as you like. So Shirtless Mal -- stay with me, here -- groans in the abandoned medical bay as he finishes up bandaging his chest wound. He limps over to the drawer and pulls another needle of adrenaline out. Then he plunges the needle into his own chest and presses the plunger. He has spasms on the cot. I understand that this would have actually killed Mal if he had done it in real life, so kids, if you get shot in the stomach, don't just inject a gigantic needle full of adrenaline into your heart. Go see a doctor. This has been your TWoP public service announcement.
Back in the accident flashback, Kaylee finds Mal somewhere on the ship and asks him if Zoe is going to be okay. He tells her to let Simon worry about her. Mal wants to know what Kaylee has figured out about the accident. Kaylee explains that a catalyzer on the port compressor blew. Oh. Well, of course. Duh. Like the rest of us, Mal doesn't understand what that explanation means. He asks Kaylee to explain it in "Captain Dummy talk." She explains that they're "dead in the water." Mal asks if she can fix it. She can try. But the problem is even worse. They've got no life support, because the engine's not running. What about secondary life support? That was "knocked out" by the explosion. All the air they've got left is what's on the ship. Jayne wanders by to point out that they've already lost about half of that from the fire and subsequent vacuum on the lower deck. How long have they got? "A couple of hours, maybe," Kaylee says. "We'll start to feel it. And then we'll feel nothing at all."
Commercials. The Symphony Of Despair plays us back into the medical bay with Simon and Zoe. Inara comes in to ask how Zoe's doing. Simon says that she's still unconscious, but her vitals are strong. Simon explains that Zoe might end up outliving the rest of them by virtue of the fact that she's using less oxygen. He heads out of the medical bay and plops down on a couch outside in the common area. He tells Inara that he always thought Serenity was a vaguely funereal-sounding name. Yeah, funeral homes and graveyards are big on using synonyms for peacefulness in their names, like they want assure customers that the people buried there are actually going to stay dead and not start lurching around, looking for brains to eat. Inara says she loves the ship and has from the moment she saw it. Simon says he doesn't want to die on it. Inara says she doesn't want to die at all. A morbid Simon feels the sudden urge to explain what happens when a person dies of suffocation. Inara stops him before he gets very far, because she doesn't want to hear it. It turns out that Simon's depressed because it's his birthday, and now he's going to go die and everything. Inara leans over and holds his hand as some sort of comfort. Why isn't he trying to comfort his crazy sister? Isn't he worried that she's going to freak out?
Oh, that's okay. It seems that River has decided to go around trying to freak other people out. Since her target is Book, I don't mind. Book is in his quarters, reading his Bible and praying. He looks terrified. River clings to the side of the doorway, because crazy people like clinging to things like that to remind everybody that they're crazy. She says, "Don't be afraid." Book looks at her. She points out that the Bible tells Book not to be afraid. But he is afraid. Book agrees that he is. River says that Book is afraid they're going to run out of air and die gasping. River shakes her head seriously and explains that they won't. They'll freeze to death first. At that comforting news, River wanders off. Book stares after her, hoping that River has just bypassed him again in the Annoying 500.
Up on the bridge, Mal comes by to ask a surly Wash if he's sent out a beacon. He has. Mal starts to leave again, but Wash mutters "pointless" under his breath. Mal stops and asks Wash what he just said, even though he clearly already knows. Wash responds in a sarcastic manner, "Nothing, sir. It's a brilliant plan. I'm sure we'll all be saved." Mal says he's growing tired of Wash's attitude. Wash apologizes in such a way that indicates he wishes said attitude could take physical form and slap the living shit out of Mal. He explains that the possibility of turning into grape Popsicles has made him a little edgy. Mal insists that there's a chance that somebody will hear the beacon. Wash insists that there's not. He points out that the navigation route Mal insisted on puts them out of range of any assistance. Mal tells him to make the signal go further. Wash is all, "What?" You know, run the signal through your tri-corder, then funnel it through the shields and the deflector array, and suddenly you can reach anybody, anywhere, from any time. That's what Star Trek has taught me. Wash insists that you can't. Mal says, "Not if all you're gonna do is sit here and 'whinge' about it." Hee. Nathan's Canadian! I've never actually heard anybody pronounce it like that before. Wash asks what he's supposed to do. Mal tells him to do anything he has to, even if he has to put on a spacesuit and go outside the ship. Wash interrupts, "And what? Wave my arms around?" Perhaps. Alternatively, Mal explains, Wash can divert the nav-sats to the transmitter. Oh, yes. Of course. I had been wondering when they would think of that. Wash dismisses the idea as a teenage prank. Mal points out that it would boost the beacon. A surly Wash points out that it would, but it would also muck up the navigation system of any passing ship that received it, and they would have to "dig out" the signal and figure out its origin before they could go anywhere. Mal stands there silently, waiting for this to sink in. Then Wash has that uncomfortable moment in an argument where you realize that you're wrong, wrong, wrong, and there's no way that you can pretend that you aren't, so you just sort of yell out your apology in the same tone of voice that you were just arguing with. Wash shouts out, "Well, maybe I should do that then?!" "Maybe you should!" "Okay!" "Good!" "Fine!"
Jayne hears all the arguing and asks them why "they're fighting at a time like this." But he doesn't mean it in some namby-pamby, we-all-must-work-together-in-a-crisis way. He tells them they're going to use up all the air.
Blue-tinted, bleeding Mal continues making his way slowly down a corridor, leaning against the wall for support. An alarm has gone off, and a computer voice warns Mal that there's a life support failure. That sounds like the most unnecessary ship warning imaginable, second only to, "Warning: the ship has been blown into pieces." Like they wouldn't have noticed by now. The computer voice alternates between that message and something in Chinese ("The white zone is for loading and unloading only").
The camera pans down a corridor, and the lighting shifts from blue to yellow-green. Mal stalks down the corridor, shouting for somebody named Bester. He's the alleged "genius mechanic." Mal's upset at the news of another delay of some sort. He makes it to the engine room, and is startled and shocked to see that Bester's in there having sex. Mal mutters something in Chinese ("This better get us that 18-34 male demographic") and turns away. He has to call Bester's name out several times to get his attention. Bester finally hears him and stops his extracurricular activities. He pulls on a pair of pants and comes out to the corridor to find out what the problem is. Apparently, the problem is that Bester is an incompetent slacker. He's the Ty Pennington of the future. Mal exposits that they've been stuck where they are for a week now, and they've got work waiting for them elsewhere. He asks Ty XXXVIII if there's something wrong with his bunk, meaning, "Why are you screwing women in the engine room?" Ty XXXVIII explains that the girl he's boffing is turned on by engines. That's an interesting fetish. I can only imagine the erotica for that one. Actually, if I did a web search, I probably wouldn't have to imagine, but I don't want to know. We also see that Ty XXXVIII is very well built when it comes to the muscles. Ah, surfer dudes: pretty to look at, but about as useful as balloon animals. Mal orders Ty XXXVIII to get his "prairie harpy" off the ship and get them back into space. Ty XXXVIII insists that he can't because the "secondary grav boot" is shot.
Suddenly the "prairie harpy" blurts out that there's nothing wrong with the grav boot. The prairie harpy then finishes putting on her prairie floral gown and turns around so we can all see that she's actually Kaylee. That's certainly an unexpected development. Mal stares at her, and she waves hello. She's got pigtails. Yuck. Of course, it looks bad in part because she was just on the floor having sex. A confused Ty XXXVIII is dismissive of Kaylee. Kaylee insists that she saw what the actual problem was while the two of them were having sex. That certainly doesn't say much for Ty XXXVIII's prowess, does it? Kaylee insists that it's something called a "reg couple." Ty XXXVIII doesn't even know what a reg couple is. Kaylee bends down under the engine and does some fiddling around. In about ten seconds, she's got the engine running again. Ty XXXVIII doesn't even understand what she did. Mal asks Kaylee how she learned how about engines. Kaylee explains that her dad always said she had a natural talent. Hey, I think Kaylee's got a non-evil dad! It's a brave new world for Mutant Enemy. She exposits that she works down on the farm for Daddy when he's got work. But there hasn't been much work lately. Mal asks her if she's got much experience with these ships. Kaylee admits that she's never even been up in a ship before. Mal asks, "Wanna?" Kaylee realizes that she's been offered a job. She wants it, but she has to go ask her parents first. She rushes off. Ty XXXVIII asks what Mal needs two mechanics for. Mal says, "I really don't," as he walks out. And that's how Serenity traded the Ty of the future for the Amy Wynn of the future. And the ship is the better for it.
Oh, where are we now? We're back at the post-accident scene. Mal finds Kaylee in the engine room, just sitting there, staring at a broken doodad. Kaylee's sulking in guilt, thinking that she should have known there was something wrong with the ship, and she worries that she wasn't paying enough attention. Mal tells her that they don't have time for brooding; she needs to get the engine running. She says she needs a new catalyzer. Mal says they don't have a new catalyzer. I would point out the folly of traveling through the vacuum of space without any replacements for vital parts of your engine, but I think the point here is that they don't have the luxury of spending money on stuff like that. Kaylee insists that the catalyzer they've got doesn't work anymore. Mal leads Kaylee over to the engine turbine so she can show him where the part goes. She shows him, but because of the damage, it doesn't fit anymore. And without it, the engine doesn't work. And without the engine, they don't breathe. And without breathing, they don't live.
Back to blue-tinted, bloody, surrounded-by-tragic-symphonies Mal. He stumbles his way into the engine room. It's obvious now that the widget he's holding is a new catalyzer. He stumbles over to the engine and tries to attach it. But then his hand slips and he drops the catalyzer. It falls into a hole in the floor. Murphy's laws are as uncompromising as ever.
Commercials. We return to the accident flashback. Mal has everybody gathered together in the dining area. Most of the folks are wrapped up in heavy jackets and blankets. Mal explains all the details to the crew regarding the damaged engine and the lack of life support. He's decided to send everybody off on the ship's two shuttles. They won't go far, but they've got heat and air, so everybody will have a greater chance of surviving long enough for a rescue. Unfortunately, the shuttles can't go far enough to reach anywhere safe, so it's simply a gamble for survival. Mal says he'll send the two shuttles in opposite directions to increase the chances that they'll find help. Book, Kaylee, and Jayne will ride with Inara in her shuttle. Simon and River will ride with Wash and Zoe in the second shuttle, because Zoe still needs medical care.
Kaylee realizes that Mal hasn't put himself on a shuttle. Mal says, "Four people per shuttle; that's the arrangement." I'm not sure if he means that a shuttle can only carry four people safely, or if it's some sort of non-answer that he's using to try to shut down arguments. Mal insists that he's staying behind on the ship. If a ship does respond to Wash's beacon, somebody needs to be there to answer it. Mal orders the folks to prepare the shuttles. Wash, however, heads back up to the bridge, confusing Mal. Wash explains that he needs to rig something up to allow Mal to call the shuttles back if he does manage to get help. Mal orders Jayne to help Inara prepare her shuttle. Everybody scatters to prepare to abandon ship.
Inara and Mal head over to her shuttle, because as everybody who has ever watched television knows, unresolved sexual tension is a certified life-prolonging measure in crisis situations. Inara insists that Mal doesn't have to "go down" with the ship. Mal replies that the ship isn't going down -- or going anywhere, for that matter. Mal tells her that Jayne will be helpful if there's trouble, but "don't trust him, and don't let him take over." Mal adds that Inara is paid up to the end of the month, so it's her shuttle to control. However, Mal might have a problem paying the security deposit back. Oh, Mal. Nobody ever pays the security deposit back. They always find a speck of dust behind the refrigerator and insist that it cost $450 to clean it out.
All this talk of rent has inspired another yellow-green flashback. Flashback Mal opens up the door to the shuttle and escorts Flashback Inara inside. Inara is dressed in a black sparkly dress with a matching belly-baring top, and a weirdly shaped veil. She looks like she's attending a genie funeral. Mal shows her around. Inara declares the shuttle to be smallish. Mal says he's not sure Inara needs all that much room for what she does. Besides, there's the whole engine room if things get cramped. Mal says that a surveyor and his wife are also considering the shuttle. They talk about the age and range of the shuttle. Mal declares that it's spaceworthy, just like Serenity. Inara tells him not to be so defensive about it -- she likes a ship "with a few miles on it." So Inara has been tossing anvils at Mal since the moment they've met, and he has yet to even notice them bouncing off the side of his head. Inara gives Mal a speech about what she needs from Mal if she's going to agree to rent the shuttle. First of all, she needs complete privacy on the shuttle. Nobody on the ship can enter the shuttle without Inara's "express permission." Mal gives a vague agreement to that, knowing full well that he's going to violate it whenever he feels like it anyway. Inara adds that under no circumstances will she be "servicing" the crew. "Not even during sweeps?" Mal asks. Kidding. Mal snarks that he'll post a sign. Inara also needs assurances that when she makes appointments with a client, she'll be in the position to keep these appointments. There's nothing sadder than getting stood up by a space hooker.
Mal points out that Inara's got a lot of "caveats and addendums." Inara just wants to make her requirements clear. Mal says that he'll keep that in mind when he's deciding to whom he's going to rent the shuttle. Inara responds, "Don't be ridiculous. You're going to rent this shuttle to me. And at a quarter less than the asking price." We're a forward little space hooker, aren't we? Mal asks why Inara thinks she'll be getting this deal. Inara replies, "You want me." Thump. Ow! Yes, I get it, okay? "You want me on your ship," she specifies. Why? Because apparently having a registered companion adds a little "respectability" to the ship. Mal responds in disbelief at Inara's suggestion of respectability. She says that based on what she's seen of the crew, it's something they can use. What has she seen of the crew that suggests that she's any more respectable than they are? Unless by "crew," she means "Jayne." Mal turns the tables on Inara by asking her why such a "respectable" companion would want to travel with Serenity in the first place. Usually, companions travel with luxury liners and such, but not with small cargo ships. He asks Inara what she's running from. Inara insists that she's not running from anything. Mal says that if she's got Alliance troubles she might want to reconsider, because some of the people on the ship fought for the independence. Inara says she supported the Alliance "unification" plan. Mal responds, "Didja? Well, I don't suppose that you're the only whore that did." That reminds Inara -- she has one more addendum: "That's the last time you ever get to call me a whore." Mal snarkily responds, "Absolutely. Never again." Well, she can't stop me. Whoooooooore! Whooooooore!
Back to the accident. Mal fiddles around with the controls on Inara's shuttle to help prepare it for take off. I thought Jayne was supposed to be doing that? Oh, we need that "final" scene with Inara and Mal. Whatever. Inara takes over from Mal, insisting that he was never any good at figuring out how the shuttle works. They give each other ten-second looks of unresolved sexual tension. Mal tells her not to talk if at all possible; it uses up air. He starts to leave, but Inara stops him to beg him to come with. Mal repeats the "four to a shuttle" argument. Inara says it wouldn't make a difference at this point. Mal insists that he's staying with Serenity. Inara says, "Mal, you don't have to die alone." Mal responds, "Everybody dies alone." Oh, what meaningful cynical wisdom. Everybody poops alone, too, but you don't see me getting all heavy about it.
Back up on the bridge, Wash shows Mal a big red button. If, by some miracle, a ship comes by and saves Mal, pressing the button will cause the two shuttles to turn around and return to Serenity. The Symphony Of Sorrows plays as Mal orders Wash to go tend to Zoe.
Jayne and Mal head through the storage bay together. Jayne tells Mal that he's diverted all the air vents up to the bridge, and advises him to seal off everything on the lower decks to conserve the air he's got. On the catwalks above them, the others load into the shuttles. Jayne adds that he prepared a suit for Mal for when he runs out of air. Mal insists that he won't be needing it. Jayne says, "Okay." Then Jayne gives Mal a ten-second look of unresolved sexual tension. Jayne concludes, "Well…" and then he just turns and walks away.
Everybody finishes boarding the shuttles. Inara stares down from the catwalk at Mal, in order to one-up Jayne with another long look of unresolved sexual tension. Then she heads into her shuttle. Mal starts leaving the cargo bay, shutting all the doors behind him, as the two shuttles take off. Melancholy music plays as Mal wanders from room to room, sealing everything off. It's all very effectively shot and edited, and has a real sense of finality to it. Of course, you know it isn't, but that's okay. It's still very sad and desperate. Mal makes his way up to the bridge, then wraps himself up in a blanket and sits in the pilot's chair and tries to stay awake.
Time passes. Serenity sits silently in space. Inside, Mal has fallen asleep. The monitors behind him show nothing but static. Suddenly, the static disappears and a blurry face appears. I feel I must mention that I first watched this episode nearly exactly seven days after I saw The Ring, so this scene had a certain extra level of tension. We hear a man's voice hailing the ship and explaining that he received their distress beacon. Mal, unfortunately, is still asleep. As Mal slowly wakes up, the message is lost and the monitor goes back to static. Was Mal just dreaming? He seems to think that he was, but suddenly a huge ship floats up into view through the "windshield."
Mal and the captain of the other ship discuss the situation through their monitors. The other captain, who looks like one of those vaguely scruffy/dashing guys from The Hollywood Vaguely Scruffy/Dashing Actors For Syndicated Adventure Shows Factory, explains to Mal that he understands Mal's predicament, but he can't invite Mal onto the ship. Apparently, this must be a common space-hijacking tactic, like those folks who pretend to need roadside assistance. Unless that's just an urban legend. Anyway, the other captain is worried that Mal is faking the whole thing. Mal explains the part that busted. The captain says they might actually have the part he needs. They're returning from a salvage mission from some moon. However, the captain is still worried about the whole possibility of a space ambush. Mal points out that they can tell that his shuttles have been launched. And if they've scanned the ship, they know he's got no life support. The captain nods. He says that he doesn't expect to see any weapons when they board. Mal adds that he does expect to see the widget before he lets them on. The man says that he thinks that he can do business. The monitor goes back to static. He's saved! Everything is wonderful!
The ship attaches its docking platform to Serenity. The other captain holds a doodad up against the window of the door to the cargo bay so that Mal can see it. Mal opens the door and breathes in relief as a burst of fresher air flows into the cargo bay from the other ship. But the relief doesn't last long, as the captain and his crew pull guns on Mal. Stupid Murphy's Laws. Damn you, Murphy! Dammmmmnnnn yoooou!
Commercials. We return to the captain and his gang of anti-anti-heroes. The captain keeps his gun trained on Mal while his crew searches the ship for any other people. The captain tells them to kill anybody they find. Mal says they thought he was going to be reasonable about this.
Suddenly we're back in another yellow-tinted flashback. Mal and Zoe are…somewhere…getting robbed by bandits. A short guy named Marco appears to be in charge. His right-hand man (even though he's on Marco's left) is Jayne. You mean to say that our Jayne wasn't a noble officer of the law and protector of helpless children and old ladies before joining Serenity? Shocked! I am shocked! Mal asked Zoe which one she thinks tracked them. Zoe: "The ugly one, sir." Mal: "Could you be more specific?" She didn't just call our Jayne "ugly," did she? Marco refers back to the flashback trigger statement and asks if they "look reasonable." Mal admits that looks can be deceiving. Jayne responds, "But not as deceiving as a lowdown…dirty…deceiver." Everybody gives this rather direct simile due consideration. Mal responds, "Well put," and asks Zoe for her opinion. Zoe observes that it "had a kind of poetry to it."
But enough of Slam Night with the Bandits -- it's time to get down to business. Jayne asks Marco if he should shoot them now. Marco tells him to wait until they tell them where they put "the stuff." Apparently, the cargo is several cases of Hostess snack cakes. They must have a delivery on Planet Rosie. Jayne orders, "Tell us where the stuff's at, so I can shoot you." Surprisingly, this brilliant stratagem doesn't seem to fly with Mal and Zoe. Mal tells them that he's hidden "the stuff," and if Jayne shoots them, they won't be able to find it. Jayne points out that he found them easily enough. I guess Zoe did call Jayne ugly. Oh, Zoe. I suppose there's no accounting for taste. Wash isn't exactly the elephant man, though. Anyway, Mal's internal wheels start spinning as he realizes that Jayne, while so very stupid in some ways, is pretty clever in others. Mal asks Jayne how much he's getting paid. Jayne's cut of the loot is seven percent. Mal responds with mock disbelief. Jayne's all, "What?" Mal's all, "Nuthin'." Then Mal asks Zoe if that doesn't seem a little low. Zoe says it does. Jayne insists that seven percent is standard. Mal casually comments to Zoe that he's paying her too much. Jayne wants to know what Zoe's getting paid. Marco is slightly quicker on the uptake, and tells Mal to "knock it off." Mal assures Jayne that he's sure Marco treats him just fine, with his own room and everything. No? Jayne has to share a bunk with some other bandit? Oh, poor Jayne. Marco spits out, "Jayne, this ain't funny." Jayne responds, "Yeah, I ain't laughing." Mal offers Jayne a deal; if he switches over to his side, Mal will not only show him where "the stuff" is, he'll make sure Jayne gets a bigger piece of the (Hostess fruit) pie, and his own room with access to the kitchen. Marco keeps interrupting and trying to get Jayne to stop negotiating with Mal. Finally, Jayne points his gun downward and shoots Marco in the knee and tells him, "Shaddup." Then he asks Mal, "How big a room?" And that's how we got our very own loveable man-ape gone wrong.
We return to Mal and the crew of anti-anti-heroes. Mal's story checks out. There aren't any other people, and the catalyzer is indeed blown. Mal tells the bandits that everything they have that's of any value is in the cargo bay, and they're welcome to any of it. Captain Anti-Anti-Hero explains that they've already decided what he wants. And then he shoots Mal in the gut. Mal falls to the floor as the captain explains that he's taking the whole ship. He turns around to give the men (and woman -- diversity is strength, even among anti-anti-heroes) orders, which turns out to be his big mistake. Mal happened to fall to the floor right to their little ATV transporter, and there happens to be a gun taped to the undercarriage. I don't know if Mal had planned for that in case the meeting went south, or if they always have a gun taped there. Either explanation is plausible. Mal pulls the gun out and draws it on the captain. He even manages to get back up on his feet. He orders them all to leave the catalyzer and get off the ship. They slowly begin to leave. Before leaving, the captain says, "You would have done the same." That's beginning to become a recurring quote on the show. It's Firefly's "From beneath you, it devours." And Mal's response is generally some variation of "nuh-uh." In this case, he says, "We can already see I haven't." The anti-anti-heroes leave, and for some reason don't sit around on their own ship waiting for Mal to die. Then Mal falls to the floor again, and we're back where the episode started.
More shots of Serenity emptiness. Shots of bloody handprints, decorating the walls where Mal has lurched by. Either that, or Hildi Santo-Tomas has recently passed through. ("I thought the handprints would give the ship a sense of fun!") In the engine room, Mal painstakingly -- emphasis on "pain" -- fumbles around on the floor and recovers the widget. Both hands are soaked with blood. He attaches the catalyzer to the engine after a lot of effort, and it works! The engine fires up. He's saved! Saved!
Unless Mal dies of blood loss, which is beginning to seem likely. He manages to lurch all the way up to the bridge to the recall button, but collapses to the deck about five feet away and doesn't get up. Everything fades to black.
We hear a bunch of muffled voices. The salesman's voice from the beginning of the episode is among them, along with the chatter of the crew. Mal opens his eyes. Are they all in heaven together? Nope. Mal is in the medical bay. He turns his head and sees Zoe in another cot, talking to Wash. Oh, and Mal's shirtless again, in case you wanted to know. Everybody is back on Serenity. Mal asks Wash if he's okay, and points out that he's got a "thing" in his arm. Apparently, Wash is serving as a donor to help Mal with his blood loss. Mal points out that he ordered everybody off the ship. Wash looks at Zoe, who says she'll "take full responsibility" for defying Mal's orders and turning the shuttle around. Simon points out that the decision saved Mal's life. Zoe softly snarks, "Won't happen again, sir." But what about the other shuttle? Jayne insists that they would have been back first, but claims that there's something wrong with Inara's shuttle. She's done something to it that causes it to smell funny. Inara explains that it's incense. Apparently she's tried to explain this to Jayne several times, but he doesn't seem to get it. I don't know what that has to do with anything, except for perhaps Jayne trying to make himself look better. And it still doesn't explain who made the decision to return on that shuttle. Maybe when Zoe's shuttle returned and they discovered the repairs, they recalled Inara's shuttle themselves. Kaylee congratulates Mal for fixing the ship. Simon tells them all (as he rests a hand on Mal's leg) that they need to leave Mal alone so he can get some rest. Mal agrees and starts to fall asleep, but wakes up with a start to make sure that everybody's still going to be there when he wakes up. He's probably been bouncing back and forth through time so much that he's got flashback lag and isn't sure if he's actually in the present. Book assures him that they will.
Mal falls asleep finally, and dreams himself a flashback. We finally see the scene with the salesman, telling Mal what a "beaut" Serenity is. But it turns out he's not talking about her at all. He's referring to another ship entirely. It's the ship equivalent of that robot Luke Skywalker bought instead of R2-D2. As the salesman -- who looks just like a typical used-car salesman -- gives his speech about how great this other ship is, Mal ignores him and stares off in a different direction. Eventually we see what Mal's looking at. It's the ship that will soon be known Serenity, of course. Yes, we should all look in awe and wonder at the ship that nearly killed them all when it blew a minor engine part. Yay, Serenity!
: Some guy who looks like Chris O'Donnell insults Inara, and Mal agrees to a duel in her honor. There are swords. Benny from L.A. Law is present.