Out of Gas

Hey, they've changed the intro! Well, not quite. The images seem to be mostly the same, but now they've got Mal narrating it rather than Book. And he gives a little more detail about himself and the crew, and they've added shots of the non-crew passengers as well. Probably for the benefit of new viewers, which is good. Though Mal still refers to the earth getting "used up." And he calls River a "genius," which makes my teeth itch. He also rushes through the intro and is impossible to understand in parts. It sounds like they dragged Nathan Fillion into a studio on Friday afternoon to record the new intro as quickly as possible. In fact, the captions still read out as the old intro.

Exterior shot of Serenity, floating silently in space. Melancholy music begins to play. Shot of the bridge, empty. Shot of a corridor, empty. Shot of the dining area, empty. Lots of emptiness on Serenity. An emptiness that we are led to believe is tragic, because of the music, and not because everybody's off at a rodeo on Hephaestus IV.

A shot of a seemingly empty cargo bay. We get a close-up of the metal grating on the floor of part of the bay. Suddenly, Mal falls to the floor with a loud clang. That really must have hurt. Mal lies on the floor, looking all sweaty and pained, as a voice in Mal's head says, "She's a real beauty, ain't she? Tell you what? You buy this ship, treat her proper -- she'll be with you for the rest of her life."

We hear the sound of the cargo doors opening, and light shines down on Mal's face. But what's this? It's Mal opening the door as well, with Zoe by his side. A different Mal. A flashback Mal. Flashback Mal and Flashback Zoe are sort of washed out with yellow lighting. Mal asks Zoe what she thinks. Zoe responds, "You paid money for this, sir? On purpose?" Zoe thinks that Mal got robbed in the deal, and calls the ship a piece of "fei-oo." I believe that's Mandarin for "almond taffy." Mal admits that the ship won't win any beauty contests. Not with that attitude, she won't. But, he adds, the ship is "solid" and will last until "the day [we] die." Zoe observes that this is because the ship is a deathtrap. Mal encourages Zoe to think about the future and what it means for them. Zoe asks, "What's that?" Mal starts to explain his plans, but Zoe's question was literal. Apparently, there's something nasty on the floor that we can't see. Amusingly, whatever it is seems to be located in nearly the exact spot where we left the other Mal. Flashback Mal tells her to just "step around it." Mal explains that he wants to hire a mechanic, get the ship running, add a pilot and maybe a cook, and they'll get to fly around in space, living like "real people." They'll do jobs as they find them, "and [they'll] never have to be under the heel of nobody, ever again." Zoe recalls back to the part where Mal said "get her running," and realizes that this means the ship currently doesn't work. But it will, Mal promises. As they head off into a corridor awash in yellow lighting, Mal tells Zoe that he's already got a name picked out for the ship.

Back in the present, blue-tinted Mal lies on the grating some more. He's steeling himself in the hopes that he hasn't gotten himself trapped in some awful time-travel story from Star Trek. Oh, he's bleeding, too. From the gut.

Credits. You can't take Ione Skye from me!

We return back to Mal on the floor. That metal grating is going to leave a nasty imprint on his face. He slowly pulls himself up to his knees. He's holding some sort of widget in his hand that looks like a cross between a stapler and a metal packing-tape dispenser. He makes his way up to his feet and gasps a few times. Slowly, he starts limping across the cargo bay to a corridor. Nathan does a really, really good job selling Mal's pain here without going too far and chewing up the scenery.

The Ironic Flashback Fairy pipes in the sound of people laughing in merriment. The camera pans up through the floor to the deck, where the crew is gathered around the dining table, yukking it up. The yellow lighting indicates that we're in the past again, and they're not laughing because they've finally gotten rid of stick-in-the-mud Mal. Book has just finished telling some lengthy story about his days in the monastery, which the others just find hysterical. We have no idea what happened, but it sounds like Book made a fool of himself, so Ha Ha Ha! Wash wanders in and realizes that he's missed out on the funny stories and the food. Not to worry, though; Zoe prepared him a plate. Wash declares that he loves his wife, and gives Zoe a kiss. Flashback Mal insists on interrupting dinner with some exposition. He asks Wash if they have their course set. They have. Wash has arranged the navigation for their trip to Greenleaf in such a way that they won't encounter any Alliance ships. Or any ships at all, for that matter. Of course, this means that a trip that normally takes a day will take a week. Mal doesn't seem to mind.

Kaylee starts cleaning up some plates, and Simon offers to help. Kaylee insists that Simon sit back down, because it's his turn to tell a funny story about being a doctor. Jayne observes, "Because sick people are high-larious." And on ER, they're also barometers reflecting the lives of the doctors. Simon gets about halfway through his story about some guy he treated in the emergency room, when our favorite man-ape gone wrong interrupts him to ask Inara if she's got any interesting "whorin' stories." Simon gives Jayne a priceless "Hey! No fair!" look. Oh, Jayne. You're such a naughty tease. If Simon had pigtails, Jayne would be pulling on them. Inara tells Jayne, "Oh, do I ever! Funny and sexy. You have no idea. And you never will." Everybody laughs. Inara explains that she doesn't discuss her clients. I suppose that would be bad for business if everybody knew that the mayor of Backwater liked to wear rubber pants while Inara poured cans of baked beans on his chest. Jayne pushes Inara, but she refuses.

Zoe says to Simon that Kaylee might need some help after all. Simon turns around to see that Kaylee has put together an impromptu cake for Simon with regular-sized candles. Everybody claps and wishes Simon a happy birthday. Simon is shocked, and wants to know how they found out. He turns to River for an explanation. River says, "'Day' is a vestigial mode of time measurement based on solar cycles. It's not applicable. I didn't get you anything." I knew I should have given that episode where River didn't have any lines a better grade. Mal explains that a new warrant for Simon's arrest showed up on the "Cortex." For some reason, it had Simon's birth date on it. Kaylee explains that she had to kind of improvise with the cake. They didn't have the right ingredients, so it's mostly protein. In fact, it's essentially the same goo that they had for dinner. Mmmmprotein cakes. Simon tells them all that he's "deeply moved." Mal slaps Jayne's arm away as he tries to sneak a fingerful of frosting. Jayne urges Simon to blow out the candles so that Jayne can give him his birthday spanking. Sorry! Actually, if Jayne's behavior is any indication, I think he wants Simon to give him the -- you know what? I'm just going to shut up now.

Simon breathes in to blow out the candles, but suddenly the lights start to flicker out on the ship. Jayne asks what that was. Kaylee thinks it was just a little "hiccup," but says she'll go to the engine room to take a look. Wash says he'll head up to the helm to make sure everything's okay up there. River says, "Fire," which Simon thinks is a reminder that he has to blow the candles out. He starts breathing in again, but it turns out that's not what River meant at all. As Kaylee starts heading toward the engine room, a huge ball of flame tears down the corridor toward her. Zoe sees it and reacts first, rushing over and pushing Kaylee out of the way. The blast of flame throws Zoe back into the table. Wash sees this and panics. River shouts, "Fire!" over and over again. Inara and Book rush over to see if Kaylee is okay. Wash and Simon rush over to Zoe.

Mal rushes over and seals the corridor. Then he runs out through another corridor, ordering Jayne to seal everything that leads below decks. Mal heads up to the bridge and flicks some switches that cause the cargo loading door to start opening. Simon looks over at unconscious Zoe, but needs his medical kit to figure out her condition. He tries to run down a corridor to his medical bay, but Jayne blocks him. That part of the ship is sealed off. Simon says that if he doesn't get his kit, Zoe could die. Jayne explains that if he lets Simon through, they'll all die. And the reason for that is because Mal is putting out the fire by sucking all the oxygen out of the lower deck into space. We watch as a snake of fire zooms through the corridors and get dragged out into space by the power of vacuum. It looks cool. Totally fake, but still cool.

Cut back to blue-tinted Mal of the present. He stumbles down some stairs, holding the widget, and opens a door to a corridor.

But enough of Slam Night with the Bandits -- it's time to get down to business. Jayne asks Marco if he should shoot them now. Marco tells him to wait until they tell them where they put "the stuff." Apparently, the cargo is several cases of Hostess snack cakes. They must have a delivery on Planet Rosie. Jayne orders, "Tell us where the stuff's at, so I can shoot you." Surprisingly, this brilliant stratagem doesn't seem to fly with Mal and Zoe. Mal tells them that he's hidden "the stuff," and if Jayne shoots them, they won't be able to find it. Jayne points out that he found them easily enough. I guess Zoe did call Jayne ugly. Oh, Zoe. I suppose there's no accounting for taste. Wash isn't exactly the elephant man, though. Anyway, Mal's internal wheels start spinning as he realizes that Jayne, while so very stupid in some ways, is pretty clever in others. Mal asks Jayne how much he's getting paid. Jayne's cut of the loot is seven percent. Mal responds with mock disbelief. Jayne's all, "What?" Mal's all, "Nuthin'." Then Mal asks Zoe if that doesn't seem a little low. Zoe says it does. Jayne insists that seven percent is standard. Mal casually comments to Zoe that he's paying her too much. Jayne wants to know what Zoe's getting paid. Marco is slightly quicker on the uptake, and tells Mal to "knock it off." Mal assures Jayne that he's sure Marco treats him just fine, with his own room and everything. No? Jayne has to share a bunk with some other bandit? Oh, poor Jayne. Marco spits out, "Jayne, this ain't funny." Jayne responds, "Yeah, I ain't laughing." Mal offers Jayne a deal; if he switches over to his side, Mal will not only show him where "the stuff" is, he'll make sure Jayne gets a bigger piece of the (Hostess fruit) pie, and his own room with access to the kitchen. Marco keeps interrupting and trying to get Jayne to stop negotiating with Mal. Finally, Jayne points his gun downward and shoots Marco in the knee and tells him, "Shaddup." Then he asks Mal, "How big a room?" And that's how we got our very own loveable man-ape gone wrong.

We return to Mal and the crew of anti-anti-heroes. Mal's story checks out. There aren't any other people, and the catalyzer is indeed blown. Mal tells the bandits that everything they have that's of any value is in the cargo bay, and they're welcome to any of it. Captain Anti-Anti-Hero explains that they've already decided what he wants. And then he shoots Mal in the gut. Mal falls to the floor as the captain explains that he's taking the whole ship. He turns around to give the men (and woman -- diversity is strength, even among anti-anti-heroes) orders, which turns out to be his big mistake. Mal happened to fall to the floor right to their little ATV transporter, and there happens to be a gun taped to the undercarriage. I don't know if Mal had planned for that in case the meeting went south, or if they always have a gun taped there. Either explanation is plausible. Mal pulls the gun out and draws it on the captain. He even manages to get back up on his feet. He orders them all to leave the catalyzer and get off the ship. They slowly begin to leave. Before leaving, the captain says, "You would have done the same." That's beginning to become a recurring quote on the show. It's Firefly's "From beneath you, it devours." And Mal's response is generally some variation of "nuh-uh." In this case, he says, "We can already see I haven't." The anti-anti-heroes leave, and for some reason don't sit around on their own ship waiting for Mal to die. Then Mal falls to the floor again, and we're back where the episode started.

More shots of Serenity emptiness. Shots of bloody handprints, decorating the walls where Mal has lurched by. Either that, or Hildi Santo-Tomas has recently passed through. ("I thought the handprints would give the ship a sense of fun!") In the engine room, Mal painstakingly -- emphasis on "pain" -- fumbles around on the floor and recovers the widget. Both hands are soaked with blood. He attaches the catalyzer to the engine after a lot of effort, and it works! The engine fires up. He's saved! Saved!

Unless Mal dies of blood loss, which is beginning to seem likely. He manages to lurch all the way up to the bridge to the recall button, but collapses to the deck about five feet away and doesn't get up. Everything fades to black.

We hear a bunch of muffled voices. The salesman's voice from the beginning of the episode is among them, along with the chatter of the crew. Mal opens his eyes. Are they all in heaven together? Nope. Mal is in the medical bay. He turns his head and sees Zoe in another cot, talking to Wash. Oh, and Mal's shirtless again, in case you wanted to know. Everybody is back on Serenity. Mal asks Wash if he's okay, and points out that he's got a "thing" in his arm. Apparently, Wash is serving as a donor to help Mal with his blood loss. Mal points out that he ordered everybody off the ship. Wash looks at Zoe, who says she'll "take full responsibility" for defying Mal's orders and turning the shuttle around. Simon points out that the decision saved Mal's life. Zoe softly snarks, "Won't happen again, sir." But what about the other shuttle? Jayne insists that they would have been back first, but claims that there's something wrong with Inara's shuttle. She's done something to it that causes it to smell funny. Inara explains that it's incense. Apparently she's tried to explain this to Jayne several times, but he doesn't seem to get it. I don't know what that has to do with anything, except for perhaps Jayne trying to make himself look better. And it still doesn't explain who made the decision to return on that shuttle. Maybe when Zoe's shuttle returned and they discovered the repairs, they recalled Inara's shuttle themselves. Kaylee congratulates Mal for fixing the ship. Simon tells them all (as he rests a hand on Mal's leg) that they need to leave Mal alone so he can get some rest. Mal agrees and starts to fall asleep, but wakes up with a start to make sure that everybody's still going to be there when he wakes up. He's probably been bouncing back and forth through time so much that he's got flashback lag and isn't sure if he's actually in the present. Book assures him that they will.

Mal falls asleep finally, and dreams himself a flashback. We finally see the scene with the salesman, telling Mal what a "beaut" Serenity is. But it turns out he's not talking about her at all. He's referring to another ship entirely. It's the ship equivalent of that robot Luke Skywalker bought instead of R2-D2. As the salesman -- who looks just like a typical used-car salesman -- gives his speech about how great this other ship is, Mal ignores him and stares off in a different direction. Eventually we see what Mal's looking at. It's the ship that will soon be known Serenity, of course. Yes, we should all look in awe and wonder at the ship that nearly killed them all when it blew a minor engine part. Yay, Serenity!

: Some guy who looks like Chris O'Donnell insults Inara, and Mal agrees to a duel in her honor. There are swords. Benny from L.A. Law is present.