The introductory montage explains to us yet again the far-reaching consequences of Dick Cheney's energy policy.
We open with Kaylee and Simon chatting in a corridor by some ladders. Kaylee demands, "Come on, admit it. It's true." No, she's not outing Simon. Yet. She's trying to get Simon to admit that he never uses swear words. They just need lockers along the walls and little more lighting, and this could be a "flirting" scene from any high-school drama. Simon insists that he does swear, "when it's appropriate." I'm going to avoid an S&M scene joke here, because I'm trying to set a good example to calm down the homoeroticism fanatics. Yeah, like that's going to happen.
Inara wanders by, and Kaylee greets her and exposits that Inara is heading off for what she hopes to be a "glamorous romance." For money. Inara's wearing some burgundy dress with lacy sleeves and panels. It looks pretty in a Victorian-era way. Inara warns them not to let Mal get them into too much trouble while she's off. As Inara heads up some stairs, Kaylee chirps, "Have good sex!" after her. Simon gives her a strange look. Kaylee's all, "What?" She's just wishing Inara a good day at work. It's like telling an actor to "Break a leg." Actually, I guess wishing a hooker luck with an opposite statement would be something like, "Pop a boob!" or "Get an STD!"
But never mind all that; Simon is suddenly distracted by the sight of a beefy bo-hunk -- sorry -- by the sight of a sexy, manly -- sorry! -- by the sight of Jayne, who is wreaking havoc in his medical bay, sans shirt. Simon rushes in, all the better to leer at Adam Baldwin's furry chest -- sorry -- all the better to feel up Adam Baldwin's muscular arms -- sorry! -- all the better to have a hissyfit at Jayne for trashing his room. Trying to be respectable is hard -- sorry! -- difficult. Simon demands to know what Jayne is doing. Jayne explains that he needed to find some tape. He's using it to tape a gun to his manly -- sorry -- to his lickable -- sorry! -- to his torso. Simon asks if Jayne needed to trash the whole medical bay to find it. Jayne smirks and says, "Apparently so." Simon bitches that Jayne is like a "trained ape, but without the training. And sexier." I think I quoted that right. Let me know if I got that wrong.
Just then, Mal wanders in to give us a spoonful of exposition to make the shirtlessness last longer. He reminds Jayne that we're heading for Canton, and that they don't allow guns there. Or what? So they're heading down there on some probably illegal mission, and Mal's worried about violating their gun laws? Whatever. I mean, you would think that Mal would actually encourage them to have concealed weapons, because it would give them an advantage in the event of a confrontation. But I guess I'm not a good enough person to be an outlaw in the future. Jayne explains that the gun ban is why he's strapping it to his lovely torso, and not wearing it on his hip. Mal insists to him that he's not bringing a gun. Jayne explains that he was in Canton a few years back and may have made a few enemies. Simon sarcastically observes, "Enemies? You? Noooo, how can that be?" Mal pulls rank and tells Jayne he's not wearing a gun. Jayne looks down at the tape around his torso in trepidation, then pulls off a strip and whimpers in pain. Aww, let me kiss it and -- sorry!
We get some shots of Serenity and Inara detaching her shuttle from the ship and flying away. That's pretty much the only sci we'll be seeing in this sci-fi show tonight. The ship lands somewhere dusty. There's a bog in the forefront of the scene that bubbles.
They open the loading ramp, and everybody wanders outside to take a look. Kaylee and Zoe hold their noses, while Simon observes that the place smells really, really bad. Mal explains that this makes the colony a perfect "drop point," because nobody comes to Canton unless they have to. They're there to meet with some guy named Kessler to pick up their shipment of McGuffins. Mal orders Zoe to stay behind and keep in contact with Bernoulli, the guy they're delivering the McGuffins to. Wash observes that he's usually the one to stay behind. Zoe explains that she "outranks" Wash -- which doesn't explain why she's staying behind at all -- then kisses Wash on the cheek and pats him on the ass before heading back up the loading ramp.
Simon serves us another helping of exposition by pointing out that Canton is the place where they make mud. His line delivery is that he finds it as ludicrous as the rest of us. Kaylee explains that the clay they manufacture here is used to make a lot of ceramics, including some that serve as parts on Serenity. Kaylee then suggests that Simon come with them on the trip. Simon doesn't think that's a good idea. Yeah, I think he's liable to get heatstroke with that full suit ensemble he's wearing. The vests aren't enough anymore. Now he's got a suit jacket on, too. Maybe episode he'll have a top hat and a cane. Book steps up to tell Simon that he'll watch over River for him. Book believes that the two of them have developed "a rapport." Yes, it's a rapport based over the fact that most viewers can't stand either of them. Mal wanders over and checks out Simon's ass -- sorry! No, wait! I'm not exaggerating. Mal actually stares at Simon's ass for about three whole seconds as he explains that it's not that far to where they're going, and that Simon could actually be useful. Seriously, he's talking to Simon's ass. Then we get a shot of Jayne, who is wearing even heavier clothing than Simon, along with his earflap hat and goggles, all in an attempt to conceal himself. Jayne's shocked at the idea that Simon is useful. Mal gives Jayne a brief "the hell?" look for his outfit, then exposits that they need to pose as mud buyers, and Simon looks more the buyer type than the rest of them. "If the pretty fits," Mal explains. He manhandles Simon for a little bit, pointing out his "soft hands. Definitely a moneyed individual. All rich and lily-white, pasty all over." And how would Mal know that Simon is pasty all over? He totally checks out Simon's ass a couple more times, too. Simon relents and agrees to go, as long as Mal stops describing him. Jayne whines about Simon being the boss. He prefers to keep that sort of thing in the bedroom -- sorry! Mal, Simon, Kaylee, Wash, and Jayne head off across the dusty plains.
We cut to a shot of a bunch of filthy men, using what appear to be saucepans attached to metal rods in order to scoop mud out of the bog. The antiheroes wander by. Simon looks a bit flustered by it all. A man with a ludicrous German accent yells at them that visitors aren't allowed in the area, and to leave unless they have business. Simon awkwardly explains to Herr Mudkoff that he is, indeed, there to buy mud. You know it's going to be one of those scenes where Simon's fakery is visible to everybody except to the person he's lying to. Herr Mudkoff is glad to hear that Simon's a potential customer, and slaps him warmly on the back, leaving a brown handprint on his pretty suit. Herr Mudkoff blathers on about his mud and his workers, most of whom are "indentured" and work without pay. There will be no explanation as to how somebody would become indentured at an isolated place such as this. I'm guessing that perhaps they owed debts elsewhere, and the mud company "bought off" the debts in order to get the employees. Simon: "Awkward lies. Repeating nonsensical comments about being a buyer. Body language that screams, 'I'm lying.'" Herr Mudkoff doesn't notice. Mal steps in and suggests to the "boss" that they go take a look at the operation so that Herr Mudkoff can get back to work. Simon agrees, and declares that he's the boss fifteen more times. After Herr Mudkoff has wandered off, Mal takes control again, and orders everybody to head over to the worker town to find Kessler.
They start walking away from the mud pits, while Jayne whines to Mal that Simon's going to get them all killed. Mal mocks Jayne's silly disguise. Wash asks if Jayne truly thinks that anybody is going to really recognize him after all these years. Mal notices something and says, "I think it's possible they might." Ahead is a statue made of clay. Of Jayne. With a small plaque. Jayne's last name is Cobb. Like Ty. Everybody, including Jayne, stares at the statue in disbelief. The swear word placed at the beginning of act one goes off at the end of act one when Simon exclaims, "Son of a bitch!"
Credits. You can't take my chocolate-creme-filled caramels from me.
When we return from commercials, everybody's still staring at the statue. Mal asks Jayne if he wants to explain. Did Jayne ever date a woman named Christi? That would explain everything. Jayne says he has absolutely no idea why there's a statue of himself standing in some unlikely stern, yet noble pose. He says that the last time he came to Canton, it was for a burglary job, stealing from the local magistrate. But the job went sour and he had to run away. He has no idea why they'd erect a statue to him because of it. Simon has been staring at the statue with his mouth agape (read into that what you will) and says, "This must be what going mad feels like." Well, then you'll be closer to your nutball sister, won't you? Wash sardonically observes that the statue captured Jayne's "essence." Kaylee thinks that the statue looks kind of angry. Wash says that's what he meant.
A whistle blows for a shift change, and Jayne looks around nervously. He couldn't be more skittish if he were a newborn colt. Sorry. I'm starting to slip into Western-speak, too. Dagnabbit. Jayne suggests that they get the heck of away from the statue and get their job done before things get any weirder. Mal mocks Jayne some more. Kaylee jokes that the statue's eyes follow her around. Jayne tries to pull the others away, but they don't seem to be moving. Finally he realizes that the only way to get out of there is to say something that could serve as a transition to somebody else's subplot. He reminds them all that he crossed the town's magistrate, and that man "ain't exactly a forgiving sort of guy."
Hey, look! It worked! We cut to Inara, introducing herself to one Magistrate Higgins. He tells her not to bother with the big title and to just call him Mr. Higgins. Disappointingly, he's not played by John Hillerman. I'm not versed enough in fashion to accurately describe what he's wearing, but it's Western by way of the court of King Henry VIII. There's a suit, and then there are all his badges of office, which include various crosses and medal and one of those giant sash things over his shoulders like all the fancy smarty-pantses get to wear at their college graduations. They make small talk. Inara says she's ready to provide her "services" for Mr. Higgins at 7:30. Higgins warns, "I have a feeling it will take all your arts to deal with this particular problem." Inara responds, "Every problem, Mr. Higgins, is an opportunity in disguise." Who knew that space hookers were big on Successories?
Back on the ship, Book wanders by to see how River's entertaining herself. She's sitting at the table in the dining area, "fixing" Book's Bible. This prompts a double take from Book. River explains that Book's Bible is "broken." It's full of "contradictions, false logistics -- it doesn't make sense." River's marking out passages and writing notations in the margins of the Bible and even tearing out pages. That's okay -- I don't think those right-wing religious television watchdog groups could possibly hate Mutant Enemy's shows more than they already do. I think they've already burned an effigy of Joss after that scene with Tara and Willow in "Once More With Feeling." You know the one I mean. River babbles about eleven being a prime number for some unknown reasons. KRZY must be broadcasting Mad Science Hour. Book sits down to River, who explains that Noah's Ark is a problem. She suggests some sort of technobabble explanation in order to try to make it remotely believable that 5,000 species of mammal were stuffed on the same boat. She pulls out some more pages as Book tries to stop her. Book tells her that you don't "fix" the Bible. River repeats that it's "broken." It doesn't make sense. Book explains that "it's not about making sense. It's about believing in something, and letting that belief be real enough to change your life. It's about faith. You don't fix faith. Faith fixes you." Wow, he's the most unconvincing preacher I've ever heard. I think there are atheists who have made stronger arguments about faith than that. So River points out that parts of the Bible don't seem to add up, and his argument is to just believe in it anyway? You're supposed to have faith in something that you don't think could actually be true? Worst. Preacher. Ever. Fortunately, River doesn't seem convinced. He tries to pull the pages away from her, but she won't let go. Eventually they rip in half.
The antiheroes hang out at one of them dusty bars with that lovely overhead lighting caused by holes in the roof. A man with a hat like one of those mop heads made out of fabric strips idly plays the guitar. Jayne mutters that a statue in his honor "goes against every kind of sense." Wash agrees, then takes a swig of something. He promptly spits it out disgustedly. Jayne explains that it's a concoction called "mudders milk" -- full of all the nutrients and vitamins they need. Toss some Total cereal in a blender, add some vodka, and mix thoroughly. This prompts a lengthy and boring story by Simon about how the ancient Egyptians had a similar drink. See, because Simon's smart and pretty. He says a similar drink used to help keep the slaves in line and prevent an insurrection.
Mal makes note of a well-dressed man who has just entered the bar. Meanwhile, some towheaded boy who stopped by just off the set of his school production of Peter Pan is staring at Jayne in possible recognition. Jayne growls at him to "git," scaring him away. Eventually, Well-Dressed Man, who likes kind of like William H. Macy with his head shaved, comes by and asks the men if they're looking for Kessler. ShavedMacy says that he "knew" Kessler. Mal picks up on the past tense. Turns out Kessler's contraband activities were uncovered by Herr Mudkoff, who had the man's hands and feet cut off with a machete and then his body dumped in the bog. Why would Mudkoff even care, as long as Kessler wasn't stealing mud? Maybe Kessler refused to give him a cut? Mal worries that the goods they're picking up aren't there. ShavedMacy assures them that the merchandise is indeed here. It's in Kessler's "hiding spot," and they need to find a way to get it across town without Herr Mudkoff and his goons seeing them. ShavedMacy suggests they lay low for a bit, and heads out as the Ironic Segue Fairy flutters in to spray everybody with magic pixie dust.
And now, sit yerself down a spell and have a listen at the folk song performed by our luverly mudder bard. The man starts strumming his guitar and begins to sing, with the cheers and support of the other folks in the bar:
Jayne!
The man they call Jayne!
He robbed from the rich and he gave to the poor.
He stood up to the man and he gave him what for.
Our love for him now ain't hard to explain.
[Everybody singing]: The hero of Canton, the man they call Jayne!
The antiheroes sit in slack-jawed shock. You could probably easily fit a bowling ball into Simon's mouth. But wait, there's more!
Our Jayne saw the mudders' backs breaking.
He saw the mudders' lament.
And he saw their magistrate taking,
Every dollar and leaving five cents
So he said, "You can't do that to my people."
He said, "You can't crush them under your heel.
So Jayne strapped on his hat, and in ten seconds flat,
Stole everything there was fit to steal…
Mal asks Jayne if he has any explanation for this thoroughly unexpected development. Jayne doesn't. I'm sitting here wondering if he sings the same song every single night. Simon observes, "No, this is what going mad feels like."
Hey, maybe the song will provide the necessary exposition to explain what's going on. Let's have another listen:
Now here is what separates heroes,
from common folk like you and I
The man they called Jayne, he turned around that plane
And let that money hit the sky.
Ohhhhh. Now Jayne understands. When he was fleeing from the magistrate in a stolen hovercraft, the ship got hit by weapons fire, and he had to dump all the money to stay airborne. Now he knows where the money went. I'm wondering how all these people knew who Jayne was in the first place. Did he live there for a while before the gig? If he just showed up for the theft and then fled, how would these people even know what he looked like well enough to build a statue, let alone his name? Oh, right -- suspension of disbelief. I'll have to get that looked at. Wash says that they need to find the crappy town where he's the hero. The song winds down, and everybody cheers. Yay, Jayne!
Back on Serenity, it's time for some more religion hijinks. Sacrilicious! River wanders by Book's quarters, "explaining" that she tore pages out of Book's "symbol" but they "turned into paper" and she wants to put them back. Well, okay then. Book turns around from some washing to reveal that when he doesn't have his hair pulled back, he looks just like Albert Einstein. The sight of Book's untamed hair causes River to shriek, throw the Bible pages up into the air, and run away. Perhaps soon everybody on the ship will get wild hairstyles to keep River at bay. Zoe wanders by to find out what the heck is going on, and stops short herself at the spectacle of Book's hair.
Back at the bar, Jayne suggests that they all get the heck out of there before things get any more bizarre. Oh, too late. They head outside and encounter a huge mob of people waiting. Peter Pan told them all Jayne was back, and they've all gathered to give him a big hero's welcome. Jayne freaks out and rushes back into the bar. He passes by a pretty young man, who stares at him longingly. You may recall this guy as Fratboy Rick from 24. I didn't recognize him at first with his shirt on. Apparently, having spent a truly horrific day with the idiot Spawn of Kiefer has ruined him for all women. Jayne demands some mudder's milk, but when he starts drinking, GayMudderRick blows -- sorry! -- reveals Jayne's identity. This prompts the bartender to knock the milk out of Jayne's hands and give him the good stuff -- whiskey! Everybody cheers. Yay! Whiskey! Can I have some, too?
Suddenly ShavedMacy is around again, and gets all pissy at Mal because they're not keeping a low profile. He's afraid he's going to get all chopped into bog burger himself. Mal lies and says this all part of their new plan, then wanders off. Kaylee and Simon return to the bar as well. Kaylee asks Mal how this is all part of the plan. Mal's still working out that part. People celebrate.
Commercials. When we return, Inara is preparing a tea ceremony in her shuttle. Mr. Higgins stops by, and lest we have to deal with the awful sight of Inara getting her groove on with an older unattractive guy (oh, the horror!), it turns out that Inara is actually there for Higgins's son, Fess. Fess is wearing ugly glasses and has his hair slicked back to make it look like he's not an attractive male model. Inara offers some pleasantries, but Mr. Higgins interrupts to complain about all the tea nonsense. Inara tries to explain that it's a traditional companion greeting ceremony, but Higgins doesn't have time for that. He's got exposition to spit out. And also, Magnum's run off on his own again to solve the murder of a pineapple farmer, and Higgins has to go find him before he gets himself into trouble. Again. He exposits that Fess here is twenty-six and "he ain't yet a man." Higgins wants Inara to drop all the nonsense and just do Fess already. There's no explanation as to why a pretty guy like Fess can't get laid. Apparently that part may have gotten cut from the script. Although it's more fun to use your imagination. That's certainly the motto on our forums, anyway. Inara tells Mr. Higgins that he's not allowed to stay in the shuttle. Ew! I would certainly hope not. In fact, she has to sort of politely force Mr. Higgins off the shuttle, indicating to me that he wanted to stay and make sure that Fess did the deed. Ew! Ewwwww!
Back at the bar, Jayne is drinking in the wages of hero worship. And more booze. The mudders cheer, "To Jayne!" Jayne cheers, "To me!"
Elsewhere in the bar, Simon has decided to deal with all the new competition for Jayne's attention by getting plastered with Kaylee. Seriously -- Simon's acting like a guy who just got dumped. He drunkenly explains to Kaylee that he's saved lives as a doctor. He reattached some girl's leg. She named her hamster after him. Simon laments that he gets a hamster, while Jayne drops a box of money and gets a whole town. Oh, Simon, I bet she might have offered you more, but she could tell that you don't like girls that way. Simon offers up a toast to Jayne: "The box-dropping, man-ape-gone-wrong thing." Oh, Simon is so obsessed with Jayne. It's hysterical. Kaylee laughs and says that Simon is "pretty fun." Simon responds, "And you're pretty…pretty." Uh-oh -- sounds like drunken closing-time flirtation. He's lost Jayne to the masses, but doesn't want to go home alone. Kaylee asks Simon to repeat that. He repeats that Kaylee is pretty, even when she's covered with engine grease. Especially when she's covered with engine grease. Because she looks like a tomboy. Emphasis on "boy."
Mal wanders by to try to get Kaylee and Simon out of there to do some planning. Kaylee "subtly" complains, "Now, Captain? Things are going so well." Mal doesn't pick up on this hint, thinking Kaylee's talking about Jayne. She repeats the statement, emphasizing the "going well" part. Mal responds, "You do realize that Simon's gay, don't you?" Actually, no. He picks up on the meaning and tries not to laugh in Kaylee's face. Mal allows the two of them to hang out and "keep an eye on Jayne." I'm sure Simon will.
Back on Serenity, River is repeating the latest KRZY weather report. Something about snow crushing a guy's brains. Oh, she's talking about Book's crazy hair in her own crazy fashion. Book comes around looking for her. She seems to have crawled into one of the cargo nooks in the main bay. Zoe is sitting on the stairs to the nook, amusing herself with the subplot. Book tries to get River to come out, but she won't, because of all the hair. Book explains that its one of the rules of the order he belongs to. Yeah, that lends credibility to your arguments about embracing faith. Zoe interrupts Book to tell River that Book is "putting the hair away now." As Book pulls his hair back into a rubber band, River whines that even if he does, "it will still be there, waiting." If Book's hair does something awful to River, I might actually end up liking him.
Wash and Mal return to the ship for the night. Zoe exposits to them that their contact is "chomping at the bit" for the goods. Mal explains that there have been complications. Because there are always complications in their missions. Wash explains to Zoe the news about the hero of Canton, the man they call Jayne. Zoe practically recoils when Wash puts his hand on her shoulder. Zoe observes that Wash is drunk. Mal agrees that Wash is, but his story is nevertheless true. Mal has arranged for the mudders to have a Jayne Day celebration in the town square tomorrow. Wash busts up giggling at the idea. Mal believes that the distraction will allow them to get the goods out of town without getting noticed. Yes, but what about Jayne? He's a "hero" for breaking the law. Why doesn't it even occur to Mal that the magistrate might try something? Or perhaps he doesn't care.
Back in Inara's Shuttle Of Tea And Sympathy (And Sex), Fess whines that the whole situation is embarrassing. Inara After-School Specials that there's nothing wrong with being a virgin and that there's nothing wrong with Fess. She explains that companions choose whom they're going to "be with" very carefully. She would never "be with" Mr. Higgins, because he's old and ugly. But she would "be with" Fess, because he's young and rather hot. She takes off Fess's glasses and kisses him.
Back at the bar, Jayne is hanging out with GayMudderRick and some nameless woman designed to keep the episode from going all Queer as Folk. GayMudderRick explains that the magistrate tried to get the money back, but all the mudders rebelled. So the magistrate allowed them to keep the money and called it a "bonus." Then, when the magistrate tried to have the statue of Jayne destroyed, the mudders rioted. Jayne has descended well into friendly drunk mode, and pulls GayMudderRick and BeardLady in for a big hug over the fact that they all rioted for him. Woo hoo! Three-way!
Elsewhere, Herr Mudkoff has come by to see Higgins. Higgins says, "My son is out there. I pray to god, losing his cherry." Ew! Ewwwwww! Ewwwww! Herr Mudkoff gives Higgins the news that Jayne's come back to town.
Cut to the bog, where there are a bunch of wooden boxes built on stilts. Each box is about the size of a small walk-in closet. These are essentially what passes for prison cells in Canton. Higgins and Herr Mudkoff head over to one and unlock the door. Higgins yells to an unseen man inside, named Stitch, that he's done serving his time and is free to go. The Didgeridoo Of Plot Twists plays as a bearded, long-haired man with one eye missing crawls out of the chamber. He doesn't look anything like a supernaturally cute blue alien koala bear. Higgins hands over Stitch's personal effects. And a loaded gun. Stitch is a bit confused as to why Higgins would keep him locked up for four years, then give him a weapon to use against him. Higgins suggests that Stitch might want to think about the partner who betrayed him in the first place and caused Stitch's capture. Higgins asks, "How high up was that shuttle when your partner pushed you out?" It seems that money wasn't the only thing that landed in the middle of Canton's town square. Funny how that's not mentioned in the song. Stitch lost the eye in the fall as well. Higgins tells Stitch that the "poetical [sic]" part of Stitch's release is that Jayne is back in town. It would be "poetical" if it were just a coincidence, but since you're actually releasing Stitch because Jayne is…oh, Higgins is just trying to be clever. And failing. Higgins wishes Stitch good luck starting his new life, and walks off. Stitch stands there, with very good posture for a man who has lived in a box for four years. Then he ratchets the shotgun for dramatic effect. Why can't he kill Higgins and Jayne?
Commercials. If you don't get pictures on your cell phone, you risk pooping your pants in an Asian country.
We return to the morning after the big drunken hootenanny. Simon is sleeping on a bench in the bar. Kaylee is lying on top of him. Simon has his arm around Kaylee. The top of Kaylee's worksuit is pulled down. She's got a shirt on underneath it, though, so don't get any naughty ideas. Like I could stop you. Simon has abandoned his jacket, putting him back in his typical vest mode. His shirt is unbuttoned. Mal wanders in to wake the two of them up. They both kind of freak at Mal finding them in each other's arms. Simon insists that they didn't do anything. He says, "I would never. Not with Kaylee." Kaylee responds, "What do you mean, not with me?" He means he's gay, Kaylee. You seem to be the only one who doesn't know. Mal doesn't even care. He wants to know where Jayne is. That's Jayne's cue to stumble out of a room on the second floor where a balcony overlooks the bar. BeardLady is clinging to him as he wanders down and sings his own song: "The hero of Canton, the man they call…me." I'm going to guess that GayMudderRick had to leave early for work, and that's why he's not with them. BeardLady fondles Jayne's chest (damn her!), while Jayne considers breakfast. Mal, though, has other plans for Jayne, so Jayne sends BeardLady off with a manly slap on the ass. He, Mal, and Kaylee head off and Simon starts to join them. But now Kaylee doesn't want to have anything to do with Simon after his snub a few moments ago, and orders him to stay there: "It's about the time for a civilized person to have his breakfast. That's the sort of thing would be appropriate, don't you think?" They all file out. Simon looks confused, disheveled, and so very pretty. He sits down and asks somebody off-screen for a menu. Somebody off-screen says, "A what?"
Back in Inara's shuttle, the deflowering of Fess is obviously complete. They lie in bed together. Inara tells Fess that he's being very quiet. Fess laments that he thought he'd feel different afterward. But he doesn't. He asks if he's supposed to be a man now. Inara wisely observes, "A man is just a boy old enough to ask that question." Whuh? She caresses Fess's cheek and blathers about how what they did was a "ritual," and that it was important to Mr. Higgins; she hopes Fess enjoyed it, but it doesn't make him a man. Who is the audience for this subplot, exactly? I know there are a lot of stereotypes about sci-fi fans, but I do believe that most of them have had sex at least once, so it's not like there's anything illuminating about this scene. Fess's silent pondering of Inara's hooker wisdom is interrupted by his father beating on the door to the shuttle.
Back in Mudville, Mal fills Jayne in on his plan as they walk through town, Kaylee trailing behind them. In a new anvilicious development, Jayne worries that it's wrong to "hoodwink" the people of Canton with a fake celebration for him. I don't really understand his logic, though, because it's not like they're stealing from the mudders. They're just moving some goods that apparently originated from somewhere else. Jayne explains that he thinks he actually had some sort of effect on the lives of the mudders, and tells Mal how they all rioted against the magistrate to protect the statue. Jayne is their Marx! Their Lenin! Their Stalin! Or something. Wash and Zoe drive up in their ATV. Zoe mocks, "Is that Jayne? Is that really him? Wash, pinch me. I must be dreaming." Jayne offers to pinch Zoe and even makes a move in that general direction, but Wash slaps his hand away. Heh. Mal and Kaylee jump on the ATV. Mal orders Jayne over to the town square to greet his fans. Then they just leave him and drive away. I know that these guys are adults and cynical outlaws and blah blah blah. I shouldn't be expecting the kind of camaraderie they've got on Buffy or anything, but I'm still wondering why the heck nobody seems to be considering what the magistrate might do to Jayne. Mal gave that annoying speech to Saffron about trusting the people he works with and loyalty and blah blah blah, and here they are sending Jayne off alone to distract the authorities with the fact that he's a wanted man.
Anyway, the antiheroes drive off into a bamboo forest for a few yards, then stop and seek out their contraband on foot. They find a part that looks just like everything else, but Mal declares that this is where they have to dig up the goods. The camera pans down to the dirt to emphasize the fact that they have to dig. There's nothing like a close-up of dirt to make you think about digging.
Back on Inara's Shuttle Of Making Emotional Connections With People For Money, Fess explains that he has to go attend some criminal hearing at his father's orders. He briefly recaps the story of the hero of Canton, then explains that the man arrived back in town yesterday. Inara hears this while taking an inventory of the five hundred candles on her mantel, and assumes that Fess is talking about Mal. She explains that she knows the guy, and he has "this idiotic sense of nobility, you know. He can never just let things go. He thinks he's this hard-hearted criminal, and he can be unrelenting, but there's a side to him that's so --" Fess interrupts to ask her if she actually knows Jayne. This snaps Inara out of her glazed swoon-inducing description of Mal, and she reacts with disbelief at the idea of Jayne being a hero. Yes, we all went through that about twenty minutes ago while you were…uh…having rituals with Fess. Catch up. Fess explains that Jayne is the only person to ever stand up to his father. Higgins apparently traced Jayne back to Serenity and ordered Port Control to put a land lock on it. Whatever the hell that means. They landed the ship in the middle of an empty field, so I'm not even sure what the heck Port Control is. Do they come out and put one of those giant boots on the landing gear or something? Fess says that he's not really happy with the idea of Jayne getting caught. Fess doesn't like his dad. Dads are bad people. If you can arrange it, try not to have a dad. Like Mal.
Back at the bar, Simon asks off-screen guy for the check. But off-screen guy is so far off-screen that even Simon can't see him. Instead, Stitch comes wandering in, menacing that he heard Simon's with Jayne. Simon stammers, because he's afraid that his diary has been getting around. Stitch strides up to Simon's table -- pretty confidently for somebody who has been living in a box for four years -- and demands that Simon take him to see that "dirty lowdown shingle of a man." What kind of insult is "shingle"? Simon looks up at the man and decides that condescension is the way to go with an angry person looking for Jayne. Yeah, good idea. He looks Stitch over and says, "Look…sir, I don't know who --" But he doesn't any further than that, because Stitch yanks Simon out of the chair by his collar, then backhands him back down to the ground. In the future, there's apparently a cure for chronic muscle atrophy. Stitch calls Simon a pantywaist. Now, I'm sure he only wears them for comfort. Stitch kicks Simon in the ribcage while he's on the ground. More angry words about Jayne. He kicks Simon in the head. Ow. Simon seems to be rather resilient, though. I'm holding back another S&M joke. You're welcome. Stitch pulls Simon up and presses him up against a wall and holds a knife up to his neck. He insists that Simon bring him to Jayne. Simon reaches behind him and grabs a bottle and smashes it across Stitch's head. Poor Simon. That only works on television. Except, apparently, on this show. Stitch is not even remotely knocked out, slashing Simon's arm with the knife and punching him down to the floor. Ow. Stitch pulls Simon up and threatens to put out an eye. But then Stitch hears the crowd chanting "Jayne! Jayne! Jayne!" outside and realizes that he's nearby. He drags Simon outside with him.
Outside, Mal and the antiheroes encounter the crowd of Jayne fanatics. Mal orders them to drive by nice and slow like there's nothing unusual about a bunch of complete strangers with an ATV with a big chunk of dirt on the back. Because that's what they've got. Elsewhere, Herr Mudkoff and his crew of thugs, seen previously as extras in Mad Max, hold their position, as ordered by Magistrate Higgins. Unfortunately, the camera work here is unclear, so I don't even know what their "position" is. They appear to be surrounding the statue in a circle, but that doesn't square up with a later scene.
Back on Serenity, the antiheroes unload their contraband. It appears to be some sort of creamy substance in metal molds. The natural inclination would be to think that it's the mud, but that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, given what we've been told about the job so far. Kessler was some sort of middleman, storing contraband from elsewhere to be picked up for delivery. And why bury mud? I decide that the cargo is white chocolate. I'm sure that's probably in short supply out on the hinterplanets. After they're done unloading, Mal grabs Kaylee so that they can go fetch their "wayward babes." Read into that what you will.
Back at the Jayne Day celebration, the hero of Canton is standing in front of the statue of himself as the crowd cheers. GayMudderRick starts a "Speech!" chant. That mud must really be good for the skin, if Rick is any indication. Jayne stammers out, "Uh…no good with words though. Don't use 'em much myself." Well, not properly, anyway. He thanks them all for coming out. He continues, "Far as I see it, you people have been given the shortest end of the stick ever been offered a soul in this crap-hill 'verse. But you took that end, and…well…you took it! And I guess that's something." The crowd applauds. Mal and Kaylee have returned to pick up Jayne, and Kaylee observes that Jayne didn't sound half-bad. Yeah, if you don't think about the fact that Jayne essentially just complimented the mudders for putting up with whatever they get.
Suddenly, the fête is interrupted by the sound of gunfire. It's Stitch, just in time, but he's not interested in saving nine. Whatever the hell that cliché means. The crowd parts, and he's standing just behind them, propping up Simon. He throws Simon roughly ten feet away from him to the ground. Man, did they squeeze a curling bench into that crate or something? Jayne recognizes his former partner. Stitch laughs maliciously and tells Jayne he wanted to make him watch while he butchered one of Jayne's "boys." I raise an eyebrow. Jayne responds that Simon isn't one of his "boys." I raise the other eyebrow. I think "yet" is the operative term here. Jayne asks Stitch where he's been hiding, and points out that he's not going to be appearing in the style section of the Canton Daily Observer, what with the hair and the missing eye and all.
As Kaylee helps Simon back up to his feet, Stitch starts making his way up to the statue to narrate the shocking unknown truth in this week's episode of Behind The Hero. He tells the gathered folks that he and Jayne were partners on the magistrate heist. When their ship got shot during the escape, they tossed out all the ballast they could -- excess fuel, seats, et cetera. Soon there was just Jayne, Stitch, and the money. Jayne really had no intention of tossing the money out. GayMudderRick insists that Jayne tossed the money out for the mudders. Nope. Jayne tossed Stitch out first and tried to keep the money. Jayne insists that Stitch would have done the same. Stitch insists that he wouldn't have: "You protect the man you're with! You watch his back!" I'd be more than happy to watch -- sorry. Ahem. After some more angry Western line readings of Top Gun dialogue, Jayne asks Stitch if he's going to do something, or just talk. Don't ever ask an angry man with a gun to do something besides talking. That's just asking for trouble. Which, in this case, is Stitch pointing his gun at Jayne and pulling the trigger. But that's when GayMudderRick decides to protect the man he was with (last night) and hurls himself nobly in front of Jayne. Poor Rick. Always taking a bullet because of ill-advised romantic entanglements. Commercials.
When we return, GayMudderRick falls to the ground, again. Jayne pulls a knife out of a hilt strapped to his lower back -- presumably under his shirt, because I don't recall seeing it earlier -- and hurls it right into the center of Stitch's chest. Stitch drops the gun, but doesn't go down. Man, Stitch is one tough mother. He certainly lives up to his cartoon namesake. The two men charge each other. Jayne very quickly gets the upper hand because, well, knife in the chest, and ends up beating Stitch to death by slamming his head repeatedly into the base of anvil. Oh sorry, I meant "the base of Jayne's very own statue." I'm sure it feels just like getting hit with an anvil, though. The crowd makes stock horrified gasps.
After a few seconds of heavy breathing, Jayne rushes over to check on the fate of last night's slam-piece. GayMudderRick is dead. Very dead. Jayne is confused as to why GayMudderRick would protect Jayne after what Stitch said about him. Little Peter Pan comes out of the crowd to fondle the handle of the knife in Stitch's chest. Ew. Jayne stands up and starts yelling at the crowd, telling them, "You think there's someone just gonna drop money on you? Money they can use? Well, there ain't people like that. There's just people like me." Aww. Sniff. Oh, and [sic]. Peter Pan steps forward to offer Jayne back his knife. Kid, do you even listen? Jayne gives him an angry look that says, "Kid, do you even listen?" He snatches the knife back from the kid, who cowers away in fear. Then he walks up to his statue and deposes himself by pushing it off the pedestal. I'm sure you can find some deep meaning there if you care to look. It's so subtle.
The antiheroes head back to Serenity, Jayne stopping occasionally to give "I've finally been emotionally affected by something" looks here and there. Mal calls up to Wash to get them off the planet. Wash tries to take off, but a warning buzzer comes on, and a monitor shows an image in red that reads "land-locked by Port Control." I still don't know what it means. Oddly enough, Wash doesn't seem to either, because he mutters stuff in Chinese ("A snake can never wed a sapphire.") and starts hitting his switches and smacking monitors in the hopes of fixing the problem. Suddenly, Inara wanders in to ask if there's a problem. And then, suddenly, the monitor lights turn green, the buzzer stops, and the land-lock is released. So Inara has the power to seduce machinery, too?
Oh, it wasn't Inara -- it was Fess. We cut to Fess and his bad ol' pa. Fess sits with his legs spread real wide, because now that he's had sex once, he's ready to go sodomize the world. Higgins has a hissyfit because Fess defied him and released the land-lock, allowing Serenity to escape. Fess points out that Higgins wanted to make a "man" out of him, and it worked.
Cut to our final "one to grow on" montage. Jayne stands around on the ship, staring at his knife. River sits in the common area, reading and making notations in something that appears to not be biblical in nature. Book wanders by to talk to her. River says, "Just keep walking, preacher man." Yeah, out of an airlock. Book walks off without a word. A "one to grown on" moment thwarted. Maybe there is a God, after all.
In Simon's quarters (I believe), Kaylee tends to his wounds and teases him for not being manly enough. As flirtations go, that's, well…not a very good angle. Kaylee asks him if he couldn't beat Stitch back, or "would that not be appropriate." Oh, Kaylee's one of those reverse snobs. One of those "salt of the earth" folks who looks down on people who don't share her outlook, exactly in the same way that upper-class snobs do. Simon realizes that Kaylee's talking about his comments to Mal about not sleeping with her. Kaylee explains that Simon "confounds" her: "You like me well enough. We get along. And then you get all stiff." That's because he's gay. Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. And you'll note that he seems to get "stiff" whenever Mal or Jayne happen by. He's gay. Do I need to draw you a map? Would you like to see that Rachel Dratch skit? Simon tries to stammer an explanation, but Kaylee points out that he's doing the "stiff" thing again. She asks, "What's so damned important about being proper. Don't mean nothing out here in the black." Simon insists that it means even more for him to be "proper" out here. It's all he has. Along with twenty vests. And some really good skin cream. Simon explains that when he treats Kaylee in his "proper" fashion, that means that he likes her. He's showing her respect. Oh, puh-leeeeeze. Does that line ever work anymore? Kaylee looks at him meaningfully and says, "So, when we made love last night…" Simon practically shrieks, "When we what?!" So gay. He's too gay to even pull off that "sex with a girl while drunk" thing that seems to happen in every drama about a gay man and his female friend. Kaylee laughs and calls Simon an "easy mark." Except for the "easy" part. At least as far as Kaylee is concerned.
Mal comes out to join Jayne on a catwalk overlooking the storage bay. Jayne is still confused and struck by the fact that GayMudderRick sacrificed himself for him. He theorizes that the people didn't even understand what Stitch had said about Jayne and that they're probably sticking the statue right back up. Mal agrees that this is probably the case. Jayne doesn't understand why it "eats at [him] so." Jayne must be new to the whole "secret heart of gold" part of being a hard-bitten cynic on a television show. Mal "explains" that every man who ever had a statue made in his honor was generally "some kind of sumbitch or another." He tells Jayne that the statue really doesn't have anything to do with him. It was all about what the mudders needed. Hey, this is kind of like what Book was trying to say to River and THUMP! Ow. Stupid anvil. A single guitar plays "The Ballad Of Jayne" as the two men stand on the catwalk and ponder the strange follies of people who wallow in mud for a living.
: The obligatory "ship goes dead in space" episode. Zoe gets hurt. Air runs low. But probably not as low as the ratings.