Jaynestown

The introductory montage explains to us yet again the far-reaching consequences of Dick Cheney's energy policy.

We open with Kaylee and Simon chatting in a corridor by some ladders. Kaylee demands, "Come on, admit it. It's true." No, she's not outing Simon. Yet. She's trying to get Simon to admit that he never uses swear words. They just need lockers along the walls and little more lighting, and this could be a "flirting" scene from any high-school drama. Simon insists that he does swear, "when it's appropriate." I'm going to avoid an S&M scene joke here, because I'm trying to set a good example to calm down the homoeroticism fanatics. Yeah, like that's going to happen.

Inara wanders by, and Kaylee greets her and exposits that Inara is heading off for what she hopes to be a "glamorous romance." For money. Inara's wearing some burgundy dress with lacy sleeves and panels. It looks pretty in a Victorian-era way. Inara warns them not to let Mal get them into too much trouble while she's off. As Inara heads up some stairs, Kaylee chirps, "Have good sex!" after her. Simon gives her a strange look. Kaylee's all, "What?" She's just wishing Inara a good day at work. It's like telling an actor to "Break a leg." Actually, I guess wishing a hooker luck with an opposite statement would be something like, "Pop a boob!" or "Get an STD!"

But never mind all that; Simon is suddenly distracted by the sight of a beefy bo-hunk -- sorry -- by the sight of a sexy, manly -- sorry! -- by the sight of Jayne, who is wreaking havoc in his medical bay, sans shirt. Simon rushes in, all the better to leer at Adam Baldwin's furry chest -- sorry -- all the better to feel up Adam Baldwin's muscular arms -- sorry! -- all the better to have a hissyfit at Jayne for trashing his room. Trying to be respectable is hard -- sorry! -- difficult. Simon demands to know what Jayne is doing. Jayne explains that he needed to find some tape. He's using it to tape a gun to his manly -- sorry -- to his lickable -- sorry! -- to his torso. Simon asks if Jayne needed to trash the whole medical bay to find it. Jayne smirks and says, "Apparently so." Simon bitches that Jayne is like a "trained ape, but without the training. And sexier." I think I quoted that right. Let me know if I got that wrong.

Just then, Mal wanders in to give us a spoonful of exposition to make the shirtlessness last longer. He reminds Jayne that we're heading for Canton, and that they don't allow guns there. Or what? So they're heading down there on some probably illegal mission, and Mal's worried about violating their gun laws? Whatever. I mean, you would think that Mal would actually encourage them to have concealed weapons, because it would give them an advantage in the event of a confrontation. But I guess I'm not a good enough person to be an outlaw in the future. Jayne explains that the gun ban is why he's strapping it to his lovely torso, and not wearing it on his hip. Mal insists to him that he's not bringing a gun. Jayne explains that he was in Canton a few years back and may have made a few enemies. Simon sarcastically observes, "Enemies? You? Noooo, how can that be?" Mal pulls rank and tells Jayne he's not wearing a gun. Jayne looks down at the tape around his torso in trepidation, then pulls off a strip and whimpers in pain. Aww, let me kiss it and -- sorry!

We get some shots of Serenity and Inara detaching her shuttle from the ship and flying away. That's pretty much the only sci we'll be seeing in this sci-fi show tonight. The ship lands somewhere dusty. There's a bog in the forefront of the scene that bubbles.

They open the loading ramp, and everybody wanders outside to take a look. Kaylee and Zoe hold their noses, while Simon observes that the place smells really, really bad. Mal explains that this makes the colony a perfect "drop point," because nobody comes to Canton unless they have to. They're there to meet with some guy named Kessler to pick up their shipment of McGuffins. Mal orders Zoe to stay behind and keep in contact with Bernoulli, the guy they're delivering the McGuffins to. Wash observes that he's usually the one to stay behind. Zoe explains that she "outranks" Wash -- which doesn't explain why she's staying behind at all -- then kisses Wash on the cheek and pats him on the ass before heading back up the loading ramp.

Simon serves us another helping of exposition by pointing out that Canton is the place where they make mud. His line delivery is that he finds it as ludicrous as the rest of us. Kaylee explains that the clay they manufacture here is used to make a lot of ceramics, including some that serve as parts on Serenity. Kaylee then suggests that Simon come with them on the trip. Simon doesn't think that's a good idea. Yeah, I think he's liable to get heatstroke with that full suit ensemble he's wearing. The vests aren't enough anymore. Now he's got a suit jacket on, too. Maybe episode he'll have a top hat and a cane. Book steps up to tell Simon that he'll watch over River for him. Book believes that the two of them have developed "a rapport." Yes, it's a rapport based over the fact that most viewers can't stand either of them. Mal wanders over and checks out Simon's ass -- sorry! No, wait! I'm not exaggerating. Mal actually stares at Simon's ass for about three whole seconds as he explains that it's not that far to where they're going, and that Simon could actually be useful. Seriously, he's talking to Simon's ass. Then we get a shot of Jayne, who is wearing even heavier clothing than Simon, along with his earflap hat and goggles, all in an attempt to conceal himself. Jayne's shocked at the idea that Simon is useful. Mal gives Jayne a brief "the hell?" look for his outfit, then exposits that they need to pose as mud buyers, and Simon looks more the buyer type than the rest of them. "If the pretty fits," Mal explains. He manhandles Simon for a little bit, pointing out his "soft hands. Definitely a moneyed individual. All rich and lily-white, pasty all over." And how would Mal know that Simon is pasty all over? He totally checks out Simon's ass a couple more times, too. Simon relents and agrees to go, as long as Mal stops describing him. Jayne whines about Simon being the boss. He prefers to keep that sort of thing in the bedroom -- sorry! Mal, Simon, Kaylee, Wash, and Jayne head off across the dusty plains.

We cut to a shot of a bunch of filthy men, using what appear to be saucepans attached to metal rods in order to scoop mud out of the bog. The antiheroes wander by. Simon looks a bit flustered by it all. A man with a ludicrous German accent yells at them that visitors aren't allowed in the area, and to leave unless they have business. Simon awkwardly explains to Herr Mudkoff that he is, indeed, there to buy mud. You know it's going to be one of those scenes where Simon's fakery is visible to everybody except to the person he's lying to. Herr Mudkoff is glad to hear that Simon's a potential customer, and slaps him warmly on the back, leaving a brown handprint on his pretty suit. Herr Mudkoff blathers on about his mud and his workers, most of whom are "indentured" and work without pay. There will be no explanation as to how somebody would become indentured at an isolated place such as this. I'm guessing that perhaps they owed debts elsewhere, and the mud company "bought off" the debts in order to get the employees. Simon: "Awkward lies. Repeating nonsensical comments about being a buyer. Body language that screams, 'I'm lying.'" Herr Mudkoff doesn't notice. Mal steps in and suggests to the "boss" that they go take a look at the operation so that Herr Mudkoff can get back to work. Simon agrees, and declares that he's the boss fifteen more times. After Herr Mudkoff has wandered off, Mal takes control again, and orders everybody to head over to the worker town to find Kessler.

They start walking away from the mud pits, while Jayne whines to Mal that Simon's going to get them all killed. Mal mocks Jayne's silly disguise. Wash asks if Jayne truly thinks that anybody is going to really recognize him after all these years. Mal notices something and says, "I think it's possible they might." Ahead is a statue made of clay. Of Jayne. With a small plaque. Jayne's last name is Cobb. Like Ty. Everybody, including Jayne, stares at the statue in disbelief. The swear word placed at the beginning of act one goes off at the end of act one when Simon exclaims, "Son of a bitch!"

Credits. You can't take my chocolate-creme-filled caramels from me.

When we return from commercials, everybody's still staring at the statue. Mal asks Jayne if he wants to explain. Did Jayne ever date a woman named Christi? That would explain everything. Jayne says he has absolutely no idea why there's a statue of himself standing in some unlikely stern, yet noble pose. He says that the last time he came to Canton, it was for a burglary job, stealing from the local magistrate. But the job went sour and he had to run away. He has no idea why they'd erect a statue to him because of it. Simon has been staring at the statue with his mouth agape (read into that what you will) and says, "This must be what going mad feels like." Well, then you'll be closer to your nutball sister, won't you? Wash sardonically observes that the statue captured Jayne's "essence." Kaylee thinks that the statue looks kind of angry. Wash says that's what he meant.