The Earth: used up. The Alliance: in charge. The crew: living on the edge. The intro: tiresome.
Two horses slog through a shallow bog, pulling a pontoon boat. Tense music and a woman's vaguely Indian wailings fill the background. Suddenly, a dirty half-dozen bandits on horseback storm out from behind some trees and surround it. The head bandit, who is just a little bit too pretty a man to be a credible thug, demands that the couple driving the boat hand over the goods. The couple appears to be a cowboy and his wife, but they're hunched over so we can't see their faces, telegraphic to us that Things Aren't What They Seem.
Sure enough, Pretty Thug sinisterly mentions wanting to take a turn with Wifey, prompting the cowboy to look up at him and warn him that he married a "powerful ugly creature." The cowboy turns out to be Jayne. And let's just assume that whenever I quote Jayne, there's a [sic] in there somewhere. Probably several. When the wife looks up to Jayne to whine, "How can you say that? How can you shame me in front of all these people?" we see that the woman is actually Mal in prairie-wife drag. Pretty Thug looks confused. I'm thinking perhaps he might still want a turn. Jayne and Mal bicker briefly, then suddenly pull out guns on the men. Mal pulls down his bonnet, just to make it clear that he's no lady. Mal exposits that these bandits have been harassing a nearby settlement for a while, and they're to back off and not even think about drawing their weapons or, as Mal puts it, "I swear by my pretty floral bonnet, I will end you."
But no thug, pretty or not, is going to let himself be faced by a drag queen. He orders his bandit companions to take down the pair. Before a single bandit can even fire, however, one is taken down by a gun blast. Zoe, it seems, was hiding out back with the cargo. Gunplay ensues. Even though Mal and Jayne have absolutely no cover and are about ten yards away from the bandits, nobody manages to shoot them. The three anti-heroes take the whole crew down. So when there's no law, the anti-heroes rent themselves out as peacekeepers. When there is law, they rent themselves out as criminals. Finding work should actually be rather easy for them.
We cut to nighttime, at a hootenanny of celebration at the settlement of Triumph. If nothing else, I can look forward to using words like "hootenanny" in connection with this show. People square dance. There's a bonfire. Mal explains to Inara as they wander through that they'll head out to Beaumonde in the morning so that she can find some "work" of her own, because these unwashed rabble aren't good enough for the ladylike space hooker. Inara asks Mal why Zoe didn't wear the dress. You know, it didn't even occur to me that Zoe would wear the dress. I don't think it occurred to them either. Mal explains that they needed her in the back. That doesn't explain anything. Maybe she's a better sniper. She did take down half the bandits herself. Mal goes on to joke about how he enjoys the feel of cotton dresses. There's "witty" "banter" to indicate sexual tension.
Sitting off to the side, Jayne is hanging out with a town elder, who gives him a rain stick as a gift. This is supposed to be some poor mud hole of a town, but they've got The Nature Store? Is he going to give Mal a CD of whale songs and a butterfly collector kit? Jayne is a happy, friendly drunk, probably to make up for the fact that he's a cranky, grumpy sober. He gives the old guy a big hug and declares in that overly serious way that drunk guys do that he'll "treasure" the rain stick. He's going to be disappointed to discover that it doesn't shoot anything. Also, Adam Baldwin looks really, really hot in cowboy attire.
The night continues. Book wanders around sprinkling holy sand on the ground for blessings or whatever. I'm sure those rocks are thrilled that they're going to heaven when they die. He watches Mal and Jayne sitting off on the side. A young woman comes up to Mal, drops to her knees, and sticks a wreath of flowers on his head. They must have liked him better when he was in drag. Then she gives him a bowl of something to drink. He obliges. Then she dances off into the crowd. Everybody looks happy. Zoe and Wash hang out, hugging and being a couple. A woman comes up to Mal and Jayne and drag them out to dance. Mal dances with the young woman who gave him the wreath in the center of a circle. Happy. Everything's happy.
The day. Serenity prepares to leave. Mal walks with the elder, who apologizes for not having much in way of payment for them. Just a geode and a rain forest coloring book. Mal doesn't seem to mind. It's not like the central conceit of this show is about a bunch of cynical fringe-dwellers who would do anything for money or anything like that. Other poor townsfolk load barrels of little quartz rocks and wind chimes or whatever, as Mal jokes that Jayne won't be letting go of that rain stick any time soon. There's so much emphasis on that damned rain stick so far that I was certain that it was going to play an important role in the climactic scene of the episode, but it doesn't. Zoe rushes out of the ship to warn Mal that there's an Alliance patrol boat on the way to the planet, so they've got to go. The town elder thanks him for his help and says he hopes to see him again, and the crew takes off.
Inside the ship, Mal busies himself by stowing away all the crap the townsfolk gave him. He's startled to discover a strawberry-blonde girl cowering behind a holding cage. It's the waifish girl who gave Mal the wreath the night before. You may recall her as Abby's abused neighbor on ER last season. Mal asks the girl what he's doing there. She's confused at the question. He repeats it. She explains, "You know, I'm to cleave to you, right?" Ew. Ick. Wha? Mal has a similar response. She asks if the town elder didn't explain. Explain what? She's Mrs. Reynolds. Mal's wife. She gives him an innocent, waifish, wide-eyed, Winona-Ryder-insisting-she-didn't-steal-anything look. Mal stares back, his eyebrows all the way up at his hairline.
Credits. Okay, I'm starting to not hate this song. Eeh.
Commercials. We return right where we left off. Mal asks for a few more details. Waif explains that she is part of the payment for the protection gig, because Triumph didn't have any livestock or cash to give them. Mal continues to act like he doesn't get it, because in a future where prostitutes are treated like celebrities, a wife as payment for services rendered is simply too bizarre to comprehend.
Zoe and Jayne wander back out into the cargo bay. Mal asks Zoe why he suddenly has a wife. Jayne complains that Mal got a wife while all he got was a dumb rain stick. Ah, the joys of the hangover. Mal insists that they're not married. Waif looks downcast and apologizes for shaming him. Mal insists that he's not ashamed, just confused. He asks Zoe to call Wash down to the cargo bay. Zoe goes to the intercom and calls everybody down, all the better to laugh at Mal's predicament. Hey, this episode is directed by Vondie Curtis Hall. Zoe insists that everybody would want to congratulate Mal on his "day of bliss." Mal insists again that he's not married and that he doesn't know this girl. Jayne pulls at the lace on the waif's shoulder and asks if he can get to know her. Zoe slaps his hand away and mockingly orders him not to "sully" the moment.
Everybody else arrives at the cargo bay to see what's up. Zoe introduces "Mrs. Reynolds." Clueless Kaylee is immediately bouncy and happy for Mal. Inara is stone-faced. Simon is perplexed. "But I thought he loved me," they're both thinking. Wash asks who this woman is. Mal, frustrated, says that she's nobody, causing Waif to burst into tears. Kaylee immediately rushes over to the girl to comfort her, telling her that Mal makes everybody cry because he's "like a monster." Mal angrily insists that he's not, then orders Wash to turn the ship around to go back to the planet. They can't; an Alliance ship touched down right after they left. As they're arguing, Book asks Simon if he has an encyclopedia. Simon rushes off to get it. Wash explains that it turns out that one of the bandits was a prefect's nephew, so everybody's up in arms about his death and they can't go back. Wash suggests that they continue on to Beaumonde and Mal "enjoy [his] honeymoon." Zoe's snickering though all of this, incidentally, so we get some welcome relief from her deadpanning. Mal orders Waif to stop crying. This sets jealous Inara off, who angrily demands that Mal try acting like a human being for thirty seconds. Given the future we've been dealing with and what little we've heard of Mal's past, I find it absolutely inconceivable that he doesn't realize that things like this happen. I thought this crew got around? I hate when characters have to act like idiots in order to justify explaining things for our benefit.
Eventually, Mal calms down and apologizes to Waif, but insists that he didn't marry her. That's Book's cue to return to inform him that, actually, he did. That ceremony with the wreath and the drinking? That was a wedding. Ah, I see. Just because this show doesn't have any aliens doesn't mean they still can't use the same old "cultural misunderstanding" clichés in their plots. Mal responds, "What does it say in there about divorce?" Waif runs out of the bay in tears. Kaylee mutters something in Chinese to Mal ("My wagon has a yellow lantern"). Mal shoots something back ("An ox ate my emperor") and starts to stride out. Zoe rushes over to suggest that perhaps he's not the best person to calm her down, but Mal observes that he seems to be the only person, besides Waif, who thinks this isn't funny. I don't think it's funny. Kind of dull, really. Inara doesn't think it's funny, either.
Mal hunts around the ship and eventually finds Waif cowering in a hallway and crying. She explains that she thought Mal was "pleased" during the ceremony last night. Hadn't she ever encountered a drunk guy before? Well, I say that as if I don't know the plot twist. I should be asking, "Why are these hard-bitten anti-heroes so ridiculously credulous?" Mal explains that he didn't realize he had agreed to marry her. She asks him if he's going to kill her. Mal is horrified at the idea. Waif explains that in the "Maiden's Home" where she lived, she heard stories about unsatisfied men dealing with their brides in a rather final manner. Presuming these Maiden's Homes actually exist, again I ask why the hell this whole concept is so confusing to Mal. Mal angrily insists that he would do no such thing and tells Waif that she shouldn't stand for that: "If somebody tries to kill you, you try to kill 'em right back." Mal insists to Waif that she's not property to be used and blah blah blah. Waif asks what will become of her. Mal says he might be able to get her work in Beaumonde. Waif insists that she doesn't want to be somebody's whore. Buyers only; no renters. Mal says he was thinking of something more along the line of ranch work. He says he'll figure something out and starts to leave. Waif timorously whispers that she'd make a good wife. Mal says he'd make a terrible husband, and she'll figure that out in the five days it takes them to get to Beaumonde. Waif perks up at the realization that they'll have five days together. Mal attempts to disabuse her of any untoward ideas by explaining that they'll be on the ship together for five days, not "together together." But Waif cuts him off with a clipped, "That'll be fine. I'll do for you -- or not -- as you choose," which as anybody knows, means that she's already deluding herself that she can possibly win him over. Well, that's what we're supposed to think, anyway. Subtextual misdirection: isn't it wild? Mal asks Waif if she's hungry and points out the location of the kitchen. Waif perkily insists that she'll cook something for Mal. Mal, of course, meant that she should make something for herself, but there's no stopping a submissive, timorous, arranged wife once she gets an act of servitude lodged in her head. Mal stops Waif to ask her what her name is, finally. It's Saffron. Like the spice. And the dye. Which is, coincidentally, about the same color as her hair.
Saffron heads off to play Maureen Robinson in the kitchen, while Book confronts Mal in the hallway because I hadn't wanted to push anybody out an airlock just yet. Book explains that divorce back on Saffron's colony is relatively rare and only done with the permission of her pastor. Book offers to send a "wave" back to him. Mal appreciates it and tries to head down a corridor. But that's not enough. Book calls after Mal that if he takes "sexual advantage" of Saffron, he's going to "burn in a very special hell. A level they reserve for child molesters. And people who talk in the theater." Let me consult my notes here. Oh, yeah: "Shut up, Book." Seriously, has he ever read the Bible? Marriages like this didn't exactly invoke stern rebukes from The Man Upstairs. I'm wondering if they're projecting to us that Book is a big fake who doesn't know a damned thing about the Bible. His knowledge of criminal tactics and activities is another clue as well. If so, this is a good ship for him to pull this scam, because most of the crew here would gnaw off their own limbs to escape from a sermon from him, which prevents him from accidentally revealing his ignorance. But I'm probably reading too much into it. He's probably just annoying and poorly written. Mal is offended and thinks Book has a smutty mind. Book apologizes for misjudging Mal and offers to make up a room for Saffron. He leaves, but then turns back to remind Book, "The special hell." Is it the hell I'm in every time I have to listen to Book talk?
Cut to the dining area; Saffron sets down a plate of food for Mal. Zoe and Wash wander in as Mal starts eating. Mal sheepishly explains that Saffron insisted that she cook for him. Wash asks if there's any more. Saffron apologizes because she didn't think to cook for the whole crew. But she tells Zoe that the fixins are still laid out if she wants to "cook for [her] husband." Wash looks at Zoe. Zoe looks back at Wash, her face a placid sea, under which a school of fish have arranged themselves to spell out "Not in a million years." Wash uncomfortably laughs and calls Saffron "quaint." Wash and Zoe sit down at the table so they can mock Mal some more. Zoe asks him if he enjoys having his own "nubile slave girl." Mal repeats that Saffron insists on cooking. Wash compliments the food Saffron prepared, and Zoe shoots him another look. He repeats, "Quaint!" Zoe gives Wash one of those "no sex" threats that keep the menfolk in line. Mal whines that everybody on the ship assumes that he's an "evil, lecherous hump." Zoe says that nobody is saying anything like that about him. Wash clarifies that they're "just giving each other significant looks and laughing incessantly." Wash notes the cider Mal's drinking and offers to get some for the three of them. Saffron grabs Mal's glass away from Wash, explaining, "That's for me to do." Mal, sufficiently creeped out by Saffron's behavior, finds an excuse not to finish his meal, but compliments her thoroughly. He tries to leave to go do "captainy things." Saffron stops him to ask him if he wants her to wash his feet. Mal stares off into the distance for a moment, then walks away. After Mal's gone, Wash pulls his plate over and eats his leftovers.
Cut to Inara's Shuttle of Enlightened Companionship That Only Coincidentally Looks Like A Cathouse. She's doing some sort of scheduling on a monitor to plan ahead for her arrival at Beaumonde. Mal knocks on the entrance to the shuttle to ask if he can come in. Inara says no. Mal enters anyway, saying this is why he never asks. Yes, the first sign of love is ignoring each other's boundaries. Mal explains that he's hiding from Saffron. Keep in mind that there's another shuttle on the other side of the ship that doesn't serve as anybody else's home. So whatever. We need the appropriate sexual tension to make the plot work. Inara snarks at Mal that the "honeymoon is over." There's more sexual tension. Mal, of course, is oblivious to the edge to Inara's comments. He asks her if she ever washes her clients' feet. She deadpans that it's her specialty. She asks how long they'll be on Beaumonde, then gripes at Mal because he doesn't know: "I can't make commitments and not keep them; that's your specialty." Wha? Did it just get stupid in here or is it just me? Mal asks if Inara's upset that he got married or if she's upset that he's not going to stay married. She says the whole thing is degrading. If she thinks arranged marriages are degrading, then what the hell is she so upset about? Clearly Mal does, too. Mal points out that Saffron said the same thing about her line of work. Inara suggests that perhaps Mal keep Saffron because they seem to match well. Mal snarkily suggests that perhaps she and Saffron are "soul mates." Thank god the word was used mockingly. Inara snippily wishes the two of them "hundreds of fat children." Mal jokingly asks Inara if she can imagine him with children, but Inara snaps at him, asking if he can't leave her alone for five minutes. Yeah, so you can check and make sure that hair is still on your diary and Mal hasn't read the list of names you've selected for the twins (fraternal: a boy and a girl) that you plan to have with him after you get rid of this Saffron bitch and convince him to marry you.
Mal stomps out of the shuttle, shooting back, "I wasn't looking for a fight!" Then out in the hallway, he finds Jayne, holding a really big automatic gun. He ratchets it. Or cocks it. Or whatever the hell you do to prepare automatic guns for shooting at people. Mal mutters, "I always seem to find one, though." Jayne stares at him.
Commericals? I check to make sure I wasn't watching last week's episode of Smallville by accident. Are we expected to believe that Jayne is going to threaten Mal over Saffron? Because I never did. At all. Really, really, bad attempt at dramatic tension.
We return to the "stand-off." Mal asks Jayne if he hasn't gone to extremes here. Jayne comments that he thinks Mal doesn't take him seriously. He points out that Mal got something "he didn't deserve." Mal points out that the gift of Saffron has added just a little bit too much spice to his life. Jayne relates some story about the gun he's holding; he was attacked by a bunch of men. One of them shot at him with the gun he's holding. He explains that the gun is a Callahan Blah Blah Blah with a full-bore Blah Blah and a customized Blah Blah Blah. He concludes that it's his "very favorite gun." Then he tries to give the gun to Mal. Mal mutters something in Chinese ("These eggs smell like the desert"), then asks Jayne if he's trying to trade the gun for Saffron. I'm glad I took Strega's advice and disconnected my Comedic Misdirection Alarm when I moved into my new apartment. Jayne mutters that it's theft, really. The gun is worth much more than "what [Mal's] got." Affronted, Mal points out that "what [he's] got" has a name -- Saffron. Unperturbed, Jayne points out that the gun has a name, too -- Vera. Mal sarcastically observes, "My days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle." Are we going to get any rising action any time soon? I'm sure I can come up with something to barter in exchange for some forward motion in the plot. Mal refuses, of course, and gives a big speech about how Saffron's not to be bought and that she's an innocent who needs protection. Jayne insists that he'll protect her. Mal tells him to go play with his rain stick. Ah, double-entendres -- the refuge of the unfunny. stop, puns.
Mal wanders down the stairs to the cargo bay, and is startled once again by Saffron standing there quietly. I suppose I should have known she was up to no good. Writers always do that trick to telegraph when seemingly innocent women aren't so innocent; people are always startled when they stumble across them in unexpected places. She explains that she doesn't want to be wed to "the big one" (fine, more for me), and if Mal doesn't want her, she's interested in that ranch work he spoke of earlier. This inspires a chunk of Mal's life story. Mal grew up on a ranch with his mother and forty ranch hands. That right there is the first sentence of a gay erotic novel. He had no dad. I guess that's an improvement over the typical Joss Whedon "bad dad" archetype. I'm still fully expecting Simon and River's dad to be a complete creep, whoever he may be. Unless he's dead. Anyway, Mal interrupts his own musings when he realizes that he's not the type of guy who generally talks about his past. Yes, the inviting way that Saffron said, "I could be useful on a ranch," really drew Mal out of his shell. Saffron asks him if the crew ever shows an interest in Mal's life. Mal hems and haws a non-answer, then turns it back to Saffron. What's her history? She insists that her past is dull. Mal is down with the dull stuff. He says that this trip is getting just a little bit too interesting as it is. I beg to differ.
Yay! Some rising action, finally, halfway through the show. We see an external shot of Serenity zooming silently through a small asteroid field. On the surface of one of the asteroids, a turret targets the ship and follows it as it goes by. It's a scanner of some sort. We cut to the interior of…somewhere. Two men are looking at the blueprints of the ship and bickering. Goon Number One thinks Serenity is worthless. He thinks that it's all a bunch of cheap parts that they'll never unload. Goon Number Two disagrees. He explains that the separate parts are indeed worthless, but put them together and you've got a firefly-class ship. Um, yes. You don't actually have to take it apart and put it back together for that, you know. It's already a firefly-class ship right there. Already assembled. These aren't particularly smart goons. Goon Number Two says that with a decent mechanic, firefly ships will run forever. Goon Number One whines that it's "got no flash." Goon Number Two explains that some people don't want flash. He thinks it's a good catch. He orders Goon Number One to prepare the "nets." We pull outside their vessel to see that it's some sort of space station with a huge hole in the center, where various nodes crackle with blue electricity.
Back on Serenity, Zoe and Wash beat the forward motion of the plot back into submission on the bridge. Zoe thinks Saffron's nuts. Wash attributes it to the strange customs of a sheltered planet. He explains that before he met Zoe, he spent six weeks on a moon where the chief form of entertainment was juggling geese. I imagine the second-most popular form of entertainment was getting a concussion from getting struck repeatedly in the head by a goose's powerful wings. Oh, Wash means they juggled goslings. Well, that makes perfect sense, then. Carry on. Zoe takes this to mean that Wash is on Saffron's "side." Why does Zoe even care? She claims she doesn't want some "groupie" distracting Mal. Why does Zoe have to suddenly be unreasonable? Why? She even bitches at Wash for not turning the ship around to drop Saffron off back home. She knew that they couldn't because of the Alliance. I hate this fight. It's so stupid. Stupid, poorly written fight. It makes Zoe look like another jealous woman, just like Inara. Zoe insists that Saffron is "trouble." Wash is beginning to see exactly the type of trouble Saffron is. Zoe mutters about going off to bed. Alan and Gina both did a good job selling that scene, but it was still stupid.
Elsewhere, Mal heads down into his quarters and is startled for yet the third time by Saffron, who is lying in his bed, naked. Mal is uncomfortable. Saffron is…naked. She tells him she warmed the bed for him and "made [herself] ready for [him]," a complicated ritual which seems to consist of taking one's clothes off. Mal stutters and points out that she has a room of her own. Saffron plays stupid and asks if she's supposed to sleep there. Mal says that is, indeed, the plan. But with Western slang. Saffron starts playing brain damaged, I guess, and points out that they're married and asks whether they're to become "one flesh." Ew. Mal agrees with me. He's happy with them being "two fleshes here" and diplomatically asks her to sleep elsewhere. Saffron continues to play dumb and lets her sheet fall away to give Mal a good look at her spice rack. Mal, ever the gentleman, looks away. Saffron asks if Mal doesn't find her "pleasing." Mal explains that it's not about "pleasing," but about what's "morally right." Like stealing stuff from trains and scavenging from the dead. Saffron says that she knows her Bible and quotes as follows: "On the night of their betrothal, the wife shall open to the man as the furrow to the plow. And he shall work in her and again till she brings him to his fall. And rest him then upon the sweat of her breast." Whoa! They let kids read this stuff? Where is this from, the Book of Ron Jeremy? And it seems that Bible quotes are a big turn-on for Mal. No wonder he doesn't want to hear any of Book's sermons. That could get embarrassing. Mal's response is "Good Bible." Ew.
Saffron continues to play the timorous submissive, apologizing for not pleasing Mal and for not being pretty enough for him. Mal insists that Saffron was indeed "pleasing." He sits to deal with all the blood suddenly rushing downward and says, "Hell, you're all kinds of pleasing, and it's been a while, a real long while, since anybody but me took hold of my plow, so don't think I'm not interested." This is the worst bedroom talk I've ever heard. But even though Mal is interested, he insists that she is not "beholden" to him because somebody else needed to pay off a debt. In return, Saffron explains to him that when she was living in the Maiden House, she had seen her fellow residents sent off to marry ugly, vicious, "blubberous" men with kinky fetishes and stuff. She doesn't say kinky fetishes, but that's what she means. She says she cried for those girls, "But not half so hard as [she] cried on the night they gave [her] to [Mal]." Mal takes this to mean that he's one of the ugly ones and even checks out his own ass and asks if there's "blubber." With those tight pants he wears, I'm sure we'd all know if any blubber was present. Saffron explains that this time it was the good kind of crying. She had never dreamed she would ever been wed to somebody as "kind, sweet, and beautiful" as Mal. She explains that given the power to choose her own fate, she'd still choose Mal.
Saffron stands up, showing the whole Spice Channel, as it were, and says, "If I'm wed, I am a woman, and I'll take your leave to be bold." She walks towards Mal and says, "I want this. I swell to think of you in me." And that would be the point where I'd burst into a helpless fit of laughter, completely ruining the moment. What awful dialogue. "Swell"? Mal, though, is entranced. And aroused, which Saffron makes a note of. Ew. You are watching FOX! Saffron tells Mal to leave her at the port and don't look back, but begs him to have her "wedding night." She leans against Mal. Mal says, "Oh, I'm going to the special hell." Then they kiss. Mal pulls away after a second to explain why they can't, and then they start kissing some more. And some more. Then he pulls back and looks back at Saffron in confusion. He mutters, "Son of a…," and then faints. Saffron looks at him on the floor and whispers, "'Night, sweetie." Wow, all this time and we've finally hit the central conflict.
Commercials. You are forbidden by Shackian Decree to see Rules of Attraction. Even to mock it. Please make a note.
When we return, Wash is piloting alone up on the bridge. Well, not entirely alone; he's got his little plastic stegosaurus to keep him company. And Saffron, who meekly wanders by and asks to join him. She says she's never been off-world before and stares out at the stars. Wash backgrounds that he grew up on a world with pollution so thick that he couldn't even see the stars. I thought they said they "used up" Earth? He jokes, "Sometimes I think I entered flight school to see what everyone was talking about." Saffron slides the door to the bridge shut. She explains that will drown out the noise of the ship (and "the crew bickering at each other") and pulls Wash out of his seat. She drags Wash up to him and asks him if he knows the "Myth of Earth-that-was." Oh, what a very Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome thing to say. She relates a story about the formation of the earth that is somehow about sex. She explains that originally, the earth had no sky and was "open, inviting. And the stars would rush into her, through the skin of her, making the oceans boil with sensation." When all those meteorites had successfully titillated Earth's g-spots, she had some sort of planetary orgasm and "Puffed up her cheeks and blew out the sky." Then she had a cigarette and complained that meteors never want to cuddle afterwards.
Wash is turned on at this whole idiotic story. He says, "Good myth." Saffron explains that he saw nothing but "roofs and steeples and the cellar door." No walls apparently on Triumph. Just roofs and doors. She stares longingly into Wash's eyes and explains that she'll be going back to that planet-bound life in a few days, but begs him to "show [her] the stars." In his pants. Wash mutters something in Chinese ("Is there a library in the river?"), then uncomfortably wishes he were somebody else right now. He explains to Saffron that he's married and "madly in love with a woman who can kill [him] with a pinky." Saffron apologizes that she was too forward. Wash agrees that she was, but explains that's what he likes in a woman, which is how he ended up with Zoe in the first place. Saffron coyly notes that Zoe didn't seem to treat Wash with much respect. Wash responds, "Not everybody gets me and Zoe at first glance." The meek nerd with the statuesque beauty? Oh, everybody who knows sci-fi gets that. And everybody who knows beer commercials. And everybody who knows heterosexual men in general. Wash smiles insincerely and comments that it's getting hot in here. But he doesn't want to take his clothes off or anything. Absolutely not. He turns around to slide the door to the bridge back open. Saffron observes that Wash loves Zoe very much. Wash says that he definitely does. He starts telling the story of how he first met her as he turns his back to Saffron to slide the door back open. Saffron then rolls her eyes at the general vicinity of the camera (I feel you, villain-babe), and then kicks Wash in the back of the head, knocking him out. She pulls his unconscious body out of the bridge and locks the door.
No longer playing the meek waif, Saffron strides over to Wash's chair and types in some coordinates and touches monitors and stuff. There's a keyboard for the ship that looks like it came from an old TRS-80. After she's finished doing whatever the hell she's doing, she reaches underneath the panel and changes the connections of some wires. Then she powers down the controls and leaves the bridge, sealing the door shut behind her with some sort of welding tape that melts when exposed to air. Cool.
She runs down the catwalk to the shuttle and opens the door. This time, she's the one who gets surprised; Inara's there. Saffron immediately reverts to meek mode and says she thought the other shuttle was Inara's. It is, but the computer was malfunctioning, so she was using the one on the other shuttle. Except that one was out too. Saffron must have cut off communications as well. Saffron meekly asks Inara if she was looking for customers. Undeterred, Inara asks Saffron what she was looking for. Saffron looks down at the floor and explains that she doesn't mean to be rude. She thinks the life of a companion is so "glamorous and strange" and doesn't think she has the skills to do it. Inara observes that Saffron wants to please her husband. Saffron explains that Mal won't have anything to do with her. She adds that she's rather relieved at that and approaches Inara, saying, "If I am to learn of love, I'd like it to be at the hands of someone gentle. Someone who could feel what I feel." Thousands of teenage boys start bouncing up and down on their couches, clapping their hands. Or they would be, if they weren't beating up hookers in "Grand Theft Auto 3." Inara looks interested and approaches Saffron, saying that Mal claimed that Saffron disapproved of her work. Saffron claims that Mal said that to keep Inara away from her because Saffron was too curious.
Inara and Saffron lean in close, long enough to get many, many shots to use in the promos. Inara says, "Come to my shuttle." Saffron asks, "You would lie with me?" Then an alarm goes off. Inara observes, "I guess we've lied enough." Saffron: "You're good." Inara: "You're amazing. Who are you?" Saffron: "Malcolm Reynolds's widow." Inara blocks a punch and ducks a kick from Saffron, who escapes into the shuttle and flees Serenity.
Inara rushes toward the bridge. Zoe and Jayne are already there. Zoe is tending to Wash and nervously points out that he's bleeding. Jayne is trying to force the door to the bridge open, without luck. Kaylee comes by and asks what's going on. Inara takes the ladder that leads down to Mal's quarters.
There she finds Mal unconscious on the floor. She rushes over, calling his name, and mutters something in Chinese ("Seven dogs own this café") before kneeling down and planting a big kiss on his mouth. Why? Oh, I don't know. Maybe she thinks he's dead and she wants to declare her love before the corpse gets too icky. Except that we heard him moan just before she kissed him. Perhaps she thinks she's performing mouth-to-mouth. Perhaps it's just her inclination as a companion to kiss a man when he's down. Regardless, the subtext just became text where Inara is concerned. She rushes over to the ladder and yells up to the others to call the doctor to help Mal. Then she tastes something funny on her lips. She wobbles and mutters, "You stupid son of a..." and faints.
We blur in from soft-focus to Mal's unconscious face. Eventually he wakes up. Did Saffron kiss a cameraman, too? Why was the lens out of focus? Everybody except for Kaylee and Jayne are down there. Mal wonders what happened. Zoe explains that Saffron was a plant. Simon explains that Saffron probably used a "narcotic seal" spread on her lips. One kiss and out you go. Zoe teases Mal for kissing Saffron. Simon adds that he used to see guys brought into the ER all the time on the nightshift for this very thing, unconscious and victims of robbery. The roofies of the future. Book observes, "Well…isn't that special?" No, it isn't. Now shut up. Mal asks what happens to Wash. He was merely kicked in the head. Zoe is proud of her man for not falling for Saffron's wiles, because not cheating on your partner is a great accomplishment and not the very least we would expect of our loved ones. Inara is lying over in the corner of the room. She claims that she came down and found Mal, and then she fell down and hit her head like Wash. She didn't kiss anybody. Not at all. Everybody ignores her. Mal asks what the ship's status is. Everything is shut down. Jayne and Kaylee are working to get the door to the bridge open. They're heading somewhere, but it's not Beaumonde. Simon tries to give Inara some medical assistance, but she insists she doesn't need any. She just fell and hit her head is all.
Mal heads up to the bridge, where Jayne has taken a blowtorch to the door. Mal wonders what Saffron was up to. Book: "Besides molesting innocent captains?" Stow it, preacher. Mal: "You wanna stow it, preacher?" Exactly. Zoe wonders why she would just take the shuttle if she were capable of flying the whole ship. Wash says something dumb. Jayne finally gets the door open and they all rush into the cabin. There's a brief shot of River just to remind us that she's still on the show, even if she doesn't do a thing this episode. Not that I'm complaining.
Cut to Wash and Kaylee, looking over the wiring and admiring Saffron's handiwork. Saffron moved maybe three wires around, but that's apparently enough to screw up the ship's systems for quite a while. Everybody argues. Kaylee points out that it was Mal's make-out session that got them in this situation. Jayne says, "That's why I never kiss 'em on the mouth." Everybody stops for a moment to stare at Jayne. That line reminds me of a naughty saying about Marines, but I'm not going to repeat it. I've heard plenty of assurances that it's true, though. Kaylee observes that Saffron really knows her ships. Inara pipes up that she knew more than that. Based on her seduction techniques, she's certain that Saffron has had companion training at the Academy. So the Academy trains space hookers and does human experiments? Maybe River was an attempt to create a psychic prostitute, who could use her powers to determine the best way to "satisfy" her clients. And in the future, I guess women have totally lost their ability to be seductive without special training. Mal asks Inara how she knows about Saffron's techniques. She reveals that Saffron tried to seduce her, too. Mal stammers for a few seconds while waiting for his mind to stop blowing and asks if Saffron got anywhere. Inara gives him a "This is not the letters page of Space Hustler" look and says that she didn't. Mal blathers about how any guy would have kissed her under the circumstances. Zoe points out that Wash didn't. Mal says, "But she was naked! And all…articulate." Can we get back to the damned plot please?
Ah yes, the goons. Goon Number One shouts out to Goon Number Two that Serenity is on the way. Goon Number Two says, "That girl's a wonder," in case any of us were unclear as to who Saffron was working for and wanted to throw her against the wall and demand that she tell us. The goons start to prepare for the ship's arrival.
Back on Serenity, Wash and Kaylee have gotten some of their monitoring systems back up, but they still don't have control of the ship. They're heading somewhere. Wash tries to get a "visual," but comes up with nothing on his monitor but a big circle of electromagnetic fuzz. Mal and Book both seem to figure out what it is at the same time -- some sort of "net."
We cut to the goons' station for a full view. The circle is actually a giant hexagon. The nodes in the center produce a giant web of electrical current. It's a cosmic bug zapper.
Commercials. When we return, Mal and Book take turns explaining that they're on their way to a space chop-shop. Ships are hijacked there, stripped down, and sold for parts. Wash doesn't think that sounds too scary. Mal explains that the bug zapper used to trap the ship will also kill any living creatures on board. Book goes into further detail about chop-shop techniques, prompting Jayne to wonder (again) how Book knows so much about criminal techniques. Mal orders Kaylee to keep working on getting them control of the ship while he tries to figure out a Plan B. He seems to think of something fairly quickly, and uses his communicator to order Zoe to prepare their spacesuits. Then he tells Jayne to go get Vera.
In the cargo bay, Jayne explains that he needs oxygen to shoot the gun. I find it a little amusing that the show strives so much for scientific accuracy in some parts (like the silence and lack of oxygen in space), while the entire cultural context the show is still muddled, confusing, and contradictory. Mal explains that they're going to use a spacesuit to provide the oxygen for the gun. Simon pulls up some sort of image of what the bug zapper looks like. Mal tells Jayne to aim for one of the nodes, which should short out the system. If it doesn't, they're all Christmas lights.
Serenity floats silently toward the bug zapper. Jayne and Vera are in an airlock, each in their own spacesuits. Vera's barrel is pressed against the spacesuit's faceplate. Mal is there in a spacesuit as well. He opens the door, which just happens to give them a head-on view of the zapper. Since nobody's allowed to do any "thrilling heroics" on television without a wacky quip, Jayne says, "See, Vera? You dress yourself up, you get taken out somewhere fun." But only if she's willing to put out. Vera is, and proves it by taking out the top node of the bug zapper in a single shot. Jayne continues shooting, though, and pops out the window to the goons' control center, sucking them out into space. Serenity sails through the bug zapper, unharmed, as the net powers down.
Back on the bridge, the crew celebrates not getting killed, yet again. Zoe hugs Wash. Mal kisses Zoe on top of her head. Then he tells them all it's time to "go visitin'."
Cut to a Thomas Kinkade painting. A cabin sits in the woods. It's snowing on this particular planet. Saffron sits inside. We barely register her presence before Mal knocks down the door and storms in, armed. Sure, drag the whole episode, then rush the ending. He quips, "Honey, I'm home." Saffron pushes the gun out of his hand and they fight. They roll around on the floor. Mal gains the upper hand and sits on top of her, gun pointed at her temple. She asks if he's going to kill her. He asks why he shouldn't. She points out that she didn't kill any of them. Mal points out that she handed the ship over to people who would have. Yeah, but that's a whole different department. She's in acquisitions. They're in receiving. She points out that she made Mal dinner. Non-meek Saffron smirks a little bit too much. Mal asks Saffron why she went to so much trouble just to steal a ship. It's all about the games, baby. The two are very "Batman vs. Catwoman." She asks how they found her. He explains that there were only a couple of possible destinations close enough for the shuttle to reach. Saffron smiles and says, "You're quite a man, Malcolm Reynolds. I've been waiting a long time for a man good enough to take me down." Gah! Ewwwww! Mal isn't fooled this time. He warns Saffron that if she ever tries to play him again, he'll "riddle [her] with holes." Saffron insists that people are always playing each other. Yes, yes, cynical kitten with a whip. I get it. Mal speechifies about how he beat her because he trusts his friends. Or at least his friends' aim. An unimpressed Saffron says, "Promise me you're going to kill me soon." I feel you, Catgirl. She compliments Mal for resisting her charms. Mal has one last question for Saffron. What's her real name? Then, before she can respond, he punches her out. "You'd only have lied anyhow," he concludes. Then why'd you even ask?
Cut to Inara's Shuttle of Ill-Yet-High-Class-Repute. She fiddles with her computer. Mal comes by to let her know that they're back on course, though they'll be a day or two late to Beaumonde. Inara asks if he let Saffron live. He did. Out of the blue, he compliments Inarkia on her gracefulness. She thanks him. Mal brings up the strange circumstances behind Inara's "injury" in his quarters. They stand really close to each other. Mal tells her to admit that she didn't just trip and fall down. She stares into his eyes, then admits that she didn't. Mal smiles and says, "Well, isn't that something. I knew you let her kiss you." Then he walks out. Inara and I both sigh, frustrated because the dramatic irony of the audience knowing something a character doesn't isn't as interesting when it's caused because the character is being really, really stupid. week: Baseball! The week after that: Everybody loves Jayne! It's about time.