Our Mrs. Reynolds

The Earth: used up. The Alliance: in charge. The crew: living on the edge. The intro: tiresome.

Two horses slog through a shallow bog, pulling a pontoon boat. Tense music and a woman's vaguely Indian wailings fill the background. Suddenly, a dirty half-dozen bandits on horseback storm out from behind some trees and surround it. The head bandit, who is just a little bit too pretty a man to be a credible thug, demands that the couple driving the boat hand over the goods. The couple appears to be a cowboy and his wife, but they're hunched over so we can't see their faces, telegraphic to us that Things Aren't What They Seem.

Sure enough, Pretty Thug sinisterly mentions wanting to take a turn with Wifey, prompting the cowboy to look up at him and warn him that he married a "powerful ugly creature." The cowboy turns out to be Jayne. And let's just assume that whenever I quote Jayne, there's a [sic] in there somewhere. Probably several. When the wife looks up to Jayne to whine, "How can you say that? How can you shame me in front of all these people?" we see that the woman is actually Mal in prairie-wife drag. Pretty Thug looks confused. I'm thinking perhaps he might still want a turn. Jayne and Mal bicker briefly, then suddenly pull out guns on the men. Mal pulls down his bonnet, just to make it clear that he's no lady. Mal exposits that these bandits have been harassing a nearby settlement for a while, and they're to back off and not even think about drawing their weapons or, as Mal puts it, "I swear by my pretty floral bonnet, I will end you."

But no thug, pretty or not, is going to let himself be faced by a drag queen. He orders his bandit companions to take down the pair. Before a single bandit can even fire, however, one is taken down by a gun blast. Zoe, it seems, was hiding out back with the cargo. Gunplay ensues. Even though Mal and Jayne have absolutely no cover and are about ten yards away from the bandits, nobody manages to shoot them. The three anti-heroes take the whole crew down. So when there's no law, the anti-heroes rent themselves out as peacekeepers. When there is law, they rent themselves out as criminals. Finding work should actually be rather easy for them.

We cut to nighttime, at a hootenanny of celebration at the settlement of Triumph. If nothing else, I can look forward to using words like "hootenanny" in connection with this show. People square dance. There's a bonfire. Mal explains to Inara as they wander through that they'll head out to Beaumonde in the morning so that she can find some "work" of her own, because these unwashed rabble aren't good enough for the ladylike space hooker. Inara asks Mal why Zoe didn't wear the dress. You know, it didn't even occur to me that Zoe would wear the dress. I don't think it occurred to them either. Mal explains that they needed her in the back. That doesn't explain anything. Maybe she's a better sniper. She did take down half the bandits herself. Mal goes on to joke about how he enjoys the feel of cotton dresses. There's "witty" "banter" to indicate sexual tension.

Sitting off to the side, Jayne is hanging out with a town elder, who gives him a rain stick as a gift. This is supposed to be some poor mud hole of a town, but they've got The Nature Store? Is he going to give Mal a CD of whale songs and a butterfly collector kit? Jayne is a happy, friendly drunk, probably to make up for the fact that he's a cranky, grumpy sober. He gives the old guy a big hug and declares in that overly serious way that drunk guys do that he'll "treasure" the rain stick. He's going to be disappointed to discover that it doesn't shoot anything. Also, Adam Baldwin looks really, really hot in cowboy attire.

The night continues. Book wanders around sprinkling holy sand on the ground for blessings or whatever. I'm sure those rocks are thrilled that they're going to heaven when they die. He watches Mal and Jayne sitting off on the side. A young woman comes up to Mal, drops to her knees, and sticks a wreath of flowers on his head. They must have liked him better when he was in drag. Then she gives him a bowl of something to drink. He obliges. Then she dances off into the crowd. Everybody looks happy. Zoe and Wash hang out, hugging and being a couple. A woman comes up to Mal and Jayne and drag them out to dance. Mal dances with the young woman who gave him the wreath in the center of a circle. Happy. Everything's happy.

The day. Serenity prepares to leave. Mal walks with the elder, who apologizes for not having much in way of payment for them. Just a geode and a rain forest coloring book. Mal doesn't seem to mind. It's not like the central conceit of this show is about a bunch of cynical fringe-dwellers who would do anything for money or anything like that. Other poor townsfolk load barrels of little quartz rocks and wind chimes or whatever, as Mal jokes that Jayne won't be letting go of that rain stick any time soon. There's so much emphasis on that damned rain stick so far that I was certain that it was going to play an important role in the climactic scene of the episode, but it doesn't. Zoe rushes out of the ship to warn Mal that there's an Alliance patrol boat on the way to the planet, so they've got to go. The town elder thanks him for his help and says he hopes to see him again, and the crew takes off.

Inside the ship, Mal busies himself by stowing away all the crap the townsfolk gave him. He's startled to discover a strawberry-blonde girl cowering behind a holding cage. It's the waifish girl who gave Mal the wreath the night before. You may recall her as Abby's abused neighbor on ER last season. Mal asks the girl what he's doing there. She's confused at the question. He repeats it. She explains, "You know, I'm to cleave to you, right?" Ew. Ick. Wha? Mal has a similar response. She asks if the town elder didn't explain. Explain what? She's Mrs. Reynolds. Mal's wife. She gives him an innocent, waifish, wide-eyed, Winona-Ryder-insisting-she-didn't-steal-anything look. Mal stares back, his eyebrows all the way up at his hairline.

Credits. Okay, I'm starting to not hate this song. Eeh.

Commercials. We return right where we left off. Mal asks for a few more details. Waif explains that she is part of the payment for the protection gig, because Triumph didn't have any livestock or cash to give them. Mal continues to act like he doesn't get it, because in a future where prostitutes are treated like celebrities, a wife as payment for services rendered is simply too bizarre to comprehend.

Zoe and Jayne wander back out into the cargo bay. Mal asks Zoe why he suddenly has a wife. Jayne complains that Mal got a wife while all he got was a dumb rain stick. Ah, the joys of the hangover. Mal insists that they're not married. Waif looks downcast and apologizes for shaming him. Mal insists that he's not ashamed, just confused. He asks Zoe to call Wash down to the cargo bay. Zoe goes to the intercom and calls everybody down, all the better to laugh at Mal's predicament. Hey, this episode is directed by Vondie Curtis Hall. Zoe insists that everybody would want to congratulate Mal on his "day of bliss." Mal insists again that he's not married and that he doesn't know this girl. Jayne pulls at the lace on the waif's shoulder and asks if he can get to know her. Zoe slaps his hand away and mockingly orders him not to "sully" the moment.

Everybody else arrives at the cargo bay to see what's up. Zoe introduces "Mrs. Reynolds." Clueless Kaylee is immediately bouncy and happy for Mal. Inara is stone-faced. Simon is perplexed. "But I thought he loved me," they're both thinking. Wash asks who this woman is. Mal, frustrated, says that she's nobody, causing Waif to burst into tears. Kaylee immediately rushes over to the girl to comfort her, telling her that Mal makes everybody cry because he's "like a monster." Mal angrily insists that he's not, then orders Wash to turn the ship around to go back to the planet. They can't; an Alliance ship touched down right after they left. As they're arguing, Book asks Simon if he has an encyclopedia. Simon rushes off to get it. Wash explains that it turns out that one of the bandits was a prefect's nephew, so everybody's up in arms about his death and they can't go back. Wash suggests that they continue on to Beaumonde and Mal "enjoy [his] honeymoon." Zoe's snickering though all of this, incidentally, so we get some welcome relief from her deadpanning. Mal orders Waif to stop crying. This sets jealous Inara off, who angrily demands that Mal try acting like a human being for thirty seconds. Given the future we've been dealing with and what little we've heard of Mal's past, I find it absolutely inconceivable that he doesn't realize that things like this happen. I thought this crew got around? I hate when characters have to act like idiots in order to justify explaining things for our benefit.

Eventually, Mal calms down and apologizes to Waif, but insists that he didn't marry her. That's Book's cue to return to inform him that, actually, he did. That ceremony with the wreath and the drinking? That was a wedding. Ah, I see. Just because this show doesn't have any aliens doesn't mean they still can't use the same old "cultural misunderstanding" clichs in their plots. Mal responds, "What does it say in there about divorce?" Waif runs out of the bay in tears. Kaylee mutters something in Chinese to Mal ("My wagon has a yellow lantern"). Mal shoots something back ("An ox ate my emperor") and starts to stride out. Zoe rushes over to suggest that perhaps he's not the best person to calm her down, but Mal observes that he seems to be the only person, besides Waif, who thinks this isn't funny. I don't think it's funny. Kind of dull, really. Inara doesn't think it's funny, either.

Mal hunts around the ship and eventually finds Waif cowering in a hallway and crying. She explains that she thought Mal was "pleased" during the ceremony last night. Hadn't she ever encountered a drunk guy before? Well, I say that as if I don't know the plot twist. I should be asking, "Why are these hard-bitten anti-heroes so ridiculously credulous?" Mal explains that he didn't realize he had agreed to marry her. She asks him if he's going to kill her. Mal is horrified at the idea. Waif explains that in the "Maiden's Home" where she lived, she heard stories about unsatisfied men dealing with their brides in a rather final manner. Presuming these Maiden's Homes actually exist, again I ask why the hell this whole concept is so confusing to Mal. Mal angrily insists that he would do no such thing and tells Waif that she shouldn't stand for that: "If somebody tries to kill you, you try to kill 'em right back." Mal insists to Waif that she's not property to be used and blah blah blah. Waif asks what will become of her. Mal says he might be able to get her work in Beaumonde. Waif insists that she doesn't want to be somebody's whore. Buyers only; no renters. Mal says he was thinking of something more along the line of ranch work. He says he'll figure something out and starts to leave. Waif timorously whispers that she'd make a good wife. Mal says he'd make a terrible husband, and she'll figure that out in the five days it takes them to get to Beaumonde. Waif perks up at the realization that they'll have five days together. Mal attempts to disabuse her of any untoward ideas by explaining that they'll be on the ship together for five days, not "together together." But Waif cuts him off with a clipped, "That'll be fine. I'll do for you -- or not -- as you choose," which as anybody knows, means that she's already deluding herself that she can possibly win him over. Well, that's what we're supposed to think, anyway. Subtextual misdirection: isn't it wild? Mal asks Waif if she's hungry and points out the location of the kitchen. Waif perkily insists that she'll cook something for Mal. Mal, of course, meant that she should make something for herself, but there's no stopping a submissive, timorous, arranged wife once she gets an act of servitude lodged in her head. Mal stops Waif to ask her what her name is, finally. It's Saffron. Like the spice. And the dye. Which is, coincidentally, about the same color as her hair.

Saffron heads off to play Maureen Robinson in the kitchen, while Book confronts Mal in the hallway because I hadn't wanted to push anybody out an airlock just yet. Book explains that divorce back on Saffron's colony is relatively rare and only done with the permission of her pastor. Book offers to send a "wave" back to him. Mal appreciates it and tries to head down a corridor. But that's not enough. Book calls after Mal that if he takes "sexual advantage" of Saffron, he's going to "burn in a very special hell. A level they reserve for child molesters. And people who talk in the theater." Let me consult my notes here. Oh, yeah: "Shut up, Book." Seriously, has he ever read the Bible? Marriages like this didn't exactly invoke stern rebukes from The Man Upstairs. I'm wondering if they're projecting to us that Book is a big fake who doesn't know a damned thing about the Bible. His knowledge of criminal tactics and activities is another clue as well. If so, this is a good ship for him to pull this scam, because most of the crew here would gnaw off their own limbs to escape from a sermon from him, which prevents him from accidentally revealing his ignorance. But I'm probably reading too much into it. He's probably just annoying and poorly written. Mal is offended and thinks Book has a smutty mind. Book apologizes for misjudging Mal and offers to make up a room for Saffron. He leaves, but then turns back to remind Book, "The special hell." Is it the hell I'm in every time I have to listen to Book talk?

Cut to the dining area; Saffron sets down a plate of food for Mal. Zoe and Wash wander in as Mal starts eating. Mal sheepishly explains that Saffron insisted that she cook for him. Wash asks if there's any more. Saffron apologizes because she didn't think to cook for the whole crew. But she tells Zoe that the fixins are still laid out if she wants to "cook for [her] husband." Wash looks at Zoe. Zoe looks back at Wash, her face a placid sea, under which a school of fish have arranged themselves to spell out "Not in a million years." Wash uncomfortably laughs and calls Saffron "quaint." Wash and Zoe sit down at the table so they can mock Mal some more. Zoe asks him if he enjoys having his own "nubile slave girl." Mal repeats that Saffron insists on cooking. Wash compliments the food Saffron prepared, and Zoe shoots him another look. He repeats, "Quaint!" Zoe gives Wash one of those "no sex" threats that keep the menfolk in line. Mal whines that everybody on the ship assumes that he's an "evil, lecherous hump." Zoe says that nobody is saying anything like that about him. Wash clarifies that they're "just giving each other significant looks and laughing incessantly." Wash notes the cider Mal's drinking and offers to get some for the three of them. Saffron grabs Mal's glass away from Wash, explaining, "That's for me to do." Mal, sufficiently creeped out by Saffron's behavior, finds an excuse not to finish his meal, but compliments her thoroughly. He tries to leave to go do "captainy things." Saffron stops him to ask him if he wants her to wash his feet. Mal stares off into the distance for a moment, then walks away. After Mal's gone, Wash pulls his plate over and eats his leftovers.