The background exposition clip show from last week is back. Blah blah Earth was “used up” blah blah blah Alliance blah blah civil war. I believe Book is the narrator, which doesn’t endear him to me any further.
The Fiddle Of Don’t Forget It’s A Space Western plays us into a shot of Serenity zooming through space. Inside the cargo bay, most of the crew plays some sort of game with a ball that looks sort of like basketball, but with various minor changes to indicate future evolutions of the game. Or just because. Simon and River watch the game from the catwalks above the bay. River is strangely fascinated with the game, because she’s weird, in case you had forgotten. Inara wanders by, wearing an indigo gown and a burgundy shift, and joins Simon. Does she even own a pair of sweatpants or anything? Down in the game, Kaylee jumps on Jayne’s shoulders in order to toss the ball through the hoop, suspended vertically in the middle of the bay. Inara asks Simon who’s winning. He responds, “I can’t really tell. They don’t seem to be playing by any civilized rules that I know.” Ah, I think this game is called Anvilball. Inara asks how River’s doing. Simon says she’s doing better, but still won’t talk about what happened to her at the Academy. River continues to goggle at the crew’s game like it’s the most amazing thing she’s ever seen. Maybe the Academy forced her to watch nothing but C-Span as part of her torture. Simon worries that he won’t be able to help River. Inara offers a bit of confidante support for free when she reassures Simon that he’s helping River simply by getting her out of the Academy’s clutches. Simon mutters about turning them both into fugitives. Inara heavy-handedly foreshadows, “We’re all running from something, I suppose.” In this case, subtlety.
Suddenly the proximity alert goes off, halting the game. Wash pretends to freak out, fearing that they’re all doomed and shrieking out the promo line, “Who’s flying this thing?” The answer of course, is him. A little joke to remind us what his role on the ship is. A very little joke. Wash looks good in a tank top. He heads up to the bridge to see what the problem is as Kaylee observes that they’re now a man short. Jayne jokes that “little Kaylee is always one man short.” She punches him playfully, then invites Simon to come down and join her side. Oh Kaylee, poor thing — I really don’t think Simon plays for your side.
Wash heads up to his chair and sees a ship tumbling helplessly through space just outside. The ship can’t be more than half a mile away, so the proximity alert is really more of a “you’re about to smash into something” alert. Wash sits down and looks at the ship in confusion, when suddenly a human body slams down onto Serenity’s “windshield” from above and bounces off into space. Wash shouts in surprise. The impact of the body rattles the whole ship, and the crew runs up to the bridge to find out what’s going on. Mal asks if there’s anybody on the ship. Wash has been trying to hail the ship, with no luck. Mal orders him to bring them closer. Simon asks, “What is it?” We pan back to the hall just outside the bridge, where River stares off at nothing and mutters, “It’s ghosts.” Cool. I like Space Ghost.
Credits. Take my drive. Take my mouse. Kick me out of my own house. But you can’t take the snark from me. No, you can’t take the snark from me.
When we return from commercials, Wash explains to the crew that the drifting ship is a converted cargo scow. Kaylee gets all “ships are people, too” when she observes, “You can see she don’t want to be parked like that, though.” Duh. The ship is tumbling end over end. She gives some technobabble explanation as to why the ship is spinning. Simon asks how a short-range vessel got so far out into space. Wash and Zoe explain that people buy these ships cheap at government auctions, then modify them for a single trip into deep space. Apparently, married couples can also finish each other’s exposition. “Settlers,” Book observes. See, because it’s a space Western. It’s a wagon train, except there’s only one wagon. And it’s in space. Wash explains that more than a dozen families will pack into the ship for the journey. Jayne has a theory, but it doesn’t involve bunnies. He thinks that the guy they ran into went crazy and killed everyone on board, and then committed suicide. I don’t think anybody’s buying that one. Book asks if they should report the drifting ship to somebody. Mal scoffs that the Alliance won’t exactly rush out there to find out if the folks are okay. Book insists that they’ll have to do it, then. Zoe points out that there’s no distress beacon from the ship. Book continues that the fact that nobody but them knows about the ship’s situation makes it all the more important to “do the right thing.” Jayne snarks that Book is welcome to say a prayer for the settlers as they fly by. Book threatens to tell them all the story of “The Good Samaritan.” Let me tell you the story of “The Recapper Who Told Book To Shut Up”: Shut up, Book. Mal pretty much rolls his eyes at Book, but says they’ll check it out anyway. He points out that if there are no people there (or survivors), then nobody will mind if they avail themselves of anything left behind on the ship. This perks up Jayne’s attention, and tries to pretend that he cares whether or not anybody on the ship is hurt. I’m sure that’s supposed to be funny, but since Mal spoke openly about scavenging the ship, I don’t know who Jayne’s trying to fool.
When we return from commercials, Wash explains to the crew that the drifting ship is a converted cargo scow. Kaylee gets all "ships are people, too" when she observes, "You can see she don't want to be parked like that, though." Duh. The ship is tumbling end over end. She gives some technobabble explanation as to why the ship is spinning. Simon asks how a short-range vessel got so far out into space. Wash and Zoe explain that people buy these ships cheap at government auctions, then modify them for a single trip into deep space. Apparently, married couples can also finish each other's exposition. "Settlers," Book observes. See, because it's a space Western. It's a wagon train, except there's only one wagon. And it's in space. Wash explains that more than a dozen families will pack into the ship for the journey. Jayne has a theory, but it doesn't involve bunnies. He thinks that the guy they ran into went crazy and killed everyone on board, and then committed suicide. I don't think anybody's buying that one. Book asks if they should report the drifting ship to somebody. Mal scoffs that the Alliance won't exactly rush out there to find out if the folks are okay. Book insists that they'll have to do it, then. Zoe points out that there's no distress beacon from the ship. Book continues that the fact that nobody but them knows about the ship's situation makes it all the more important to "do the right thing." Jayne snarks that Book is welcome to say a prayer for the settlers as they fly by. Book threatens to tell them all the story of "The Good Samaritan." Let me tell you the story of "The Recapper Who Told Book To Shut Up": Shut up, Book. Mal pretty much rolls his eyes at Book, but says they'll check it out anyway. He points out that if there are no people there (or survivors), then nobody will mind if they avail themselves of anything left behind on the ship. This perks up Jayne's attention, and tries to pretend that he cares whether or not anybody on the ship is hurt. I'm sure that's supposed to be funny, but since Mal spoke openly about scavenging the ship, I don't know who Jayne's trying to fool.
We see exterior shots of Serenity docking with the ship. Weird, snakelike tentacles emerge out of the cargo ship and attach themselves to the docking platform. Even weirder than the tentacles is the NYPD Blue jiggling handheld-camera style of shooting. It works okay when you're dealing with the people inside a ship or on a planet, but they do these weird, momentarily-out-of-focus tricks when they're shooting the exterior of the craft. Are the cameramen floating out in space? Maybe that guy they ran over earlier was a grip.
Back inside the ship, Simon strides purposefully into the cargo bay wearing his typical shiny vest ensemble and holding a little red doctor's bag. He stops when he sees Zoe and Mal, and stares at Mal while they suit up. I think Sean Maher was going for "trepidation" but landed somewhere on "undisguised longing." He's certainly going to be giving the cast of Smallville a run for their money in the gay looks competition. Jayne comes up behind Simon (read into that what you will) and asks him what he's doing there. Simon explains that he thought he might offer his services if there are any survivors. Jayne tells him that Mal and Zoe are going in first and will let him know if they need his assistance. Simon continues to stare at Mal. Jayne notices Simon staring and asks him if something's wrong. Simon comments that he's struck by the thought of just a little "Mylar and glass being the only thing separating a person from…nothing." Except what he really wanted to say instead of "nothing" was "my sweet, sweet love." Jayne senses Simon's nervousness and, like any bully, decides to play with it. He points out that the "nothing" Simon referred to is probably what killed the guy Serenity ran into (really meaning "nothing" and not Simon's sweet, sweet love), and that the body is probably still hanging around under the belly of the ship: "That's what space trash does, you know. Kind of latches onto the first big something that stops long enough. Hey, that'd be a bit like you and your sister, wouldn't it?" I suspect that probably refers to Jayne as well. And most of the participants on The Real World. Jayne ratchets his gun -- read into that whatever you will -- and walks off.
Insert stock footage here of space-suited folks nervously exploring the darkened vessel. Mal and Zoe wander through the halls with flashlights illuminating the way. Mal observes that the emergency power seems to be working. There's clutter here and there. There's also an unattended red balloon. See, if I had any doubts that something bad had happened, the unattended red balloon took care of that. Red balloons are always bad news. They wander into a dining area to find people's dinners sitting abandoned at the tables. It's a cardinal rule that innocent civilians are eating when they get ambushed; that's how they telegraph to us that it was sudden and unexpected. Mal: "Whatever happened, happened quick." See? Mal and Zoe wander onto the empty bridge. Zoe observes that the ship powered down on its own and that there was no sign of a struggle. Zoe then notes that somebody was in the middle of a log entry when this all happened and it's still up on a monitor. Of course. If the sentence "I don't know how much longer we can hold them off" doesn't appear in the entry somewhere, I'll eat a tin can.
But as Mal and Zoe turn their attentions to the log, we instead cut to River, who wakes up from a nap with a frightened gasp. She's probably confused because she was just up on the bridge a few minutes ago and doesn't know how the hell she got back in her quarters. She starts crying, and Simon rushes in to see if she's okay. River whines that she can't sleep because "there's too much screaming." Oops, River can hear everybody in the audience yelling at her to shut up. Those are pretty strong psychic abilities. Simon points out that there's nobody screaming. It was really dumb to reveal to us that River has psychic powers before the show even aired, while keeping the characters still in the dark. It really makes the subplot drag, because we're all just sitting around waiting for Simon to figure out what we already know.
Jayne wanders by to interrupt the conversation, telling Simon that Mal wants them both over there. Simon asks if there were any survivors. Jayne loads his gun -- again, read into that what you will -- and says Mal didn't give any details. Jayne's gun is a six-shooter with what appears to be a laser scope. Whatever. It's ridiculous, but whatever. Simon says he'll ask Inara to look in on River. Jayne doesn't care; he's heading over without waiting for Simon. Jayne casually reminds Simon as he leaves that he has to get suited up for the trip.
Cut to Simon in a spacesuit, as he nervously Ensign Hoshis his onto the cargo ship. His eyes dart around. He breathes heavily. This isn't nearly as erotic as he thought it would be when he stared at Mal earlier. He slowly, nervously makes his way down the corridor, holding his little red Fisher Price's My First Doctor Kit. Then he turns the corner and finds half the crew of Serenity, just sitting there without any environmental suits on at all. Hee! They all look at him like he's the biggest goober since Mr. Planters. Kaylee helps Simon take his space helmet off while Jayne laughs at his own prank. Simon calls Jayne a sadist. Some people like that in a guy. I'm just saying. It turns out that Mal didn't even ask for Simon, but as long as he's there, he can help out in the search. Mal teams Simon up with Kaylee and tells them all to grab what they can, but not to be greedy. Simon asks where all the people are. Mal says the ship's "lifeboat" launched more than a week ago. He assumes the passengers were on it. Mal sends Kaylee, Simon, and Jayne off to scavenge various parts of the ship. As they're leaving, Kaylee points out to Simon that he had the spacesuit on wrong. Hee. Okay, the whole spacesuit thing was kind of funny. The show definitely needs more of that.
After the other three are gone, Zoe points out to Mal that the lifeboat wouldn't be able to hold all the passengers listed on the ship. Mal says he knows, then communicates with Wash on Serenity with a police CB-type device to get details about the ship. Wash has tracked down layouts for a similar vessel, and gives them directions to the likely spots on the ship where goods would be stored. I guess there was nothing important in that personal log, because it isn't mentioned again. That was awkward writing.
Back on Serenity, Inara heads over to the sleeping quarters to check on River. Except River's not there. Where could she be? There she is, wandering onto the cargo ship in her pretty sundress and bare feet. Crazy people don't like shoes.
Down in the engine room of the cargo ship, Simon is illuminating some equipment with a flashlight while Kaylee removes it. Simon asks her if she's curious at all as to why somebody would just abandon a ship. Kaylee, who obviously never watches television, starts to explain that there are plenty of reasonable explanations as to why they'd run off. Then she notes that whatever reason there might be, it's not because of mechanical difficulties. The ship is in fine working order. Sparks then fly (get it?) as Kaylee detaches a giant spark plug or some sort of tech thing, and puts it into a sack Simon's holding. The weight causes Simon to fall down. Oh please. This is when I realized that the reason they've got Simon dressed in those long-sleeved shirts is so that we don't discover that he's just as built as the other guys on the show.
Jayne, meanwhile is elsewhere, gathering up the ship's collection of aluminum take-out containers. We see him chewing, so those most be rations or something.
Mal and Zoe find their way to the door to the cargo area that Wash led them to. It's locked. Mal says, "Well now. That's like to be a very good sign." Gah. These attempts at faux-Western dialogue are awful. And pointless. I can imagine a number of reasons why there may technical reversions that result in these outsiders having to use very old weapons, but grammar reversions? That's just stupid. Mal pulls out a blowtorch and applies it to the metal door.
River wanders down a hall with creepy lighting from a grated overhead source while creepy music plays.
Zoe and Mal successfully break down the storage room door. The wander in and look around. It appears that everything the passengers stored is still there, intact. Creepy music plays some more as Zoe opens a crate and finds a doll. Yes, there were families on the ship. I got that in the beginning when Zoe said that there were families on the ship. I got it again back at the red balloon. I get it. Families. On the ship. Mal tracks down some containers full of seeds, protein, and crop supplements, supplies that would be used to start a life on a new planet. It's worth a lot of money. So much that Mal suggests leaving everything else on the ship and just taking this stuff. Zoe points out to Mal that even on a lifeboat, if the people escaped, they'd find room for goods as valuable as this. Mal sweeps his flashlight around the room and discovers that River has snuck in there quietly and creepily, and is staring upward toward the ceiling. Zoe and Mal shine their lights upwards and discover the corpses of the passengers chained together and hanging upside-down from the ceiling, looking like page seventeen in Clive Barker's graphic novel. Zoe says, "Oh my God." Mal says something in Chinese. Then he mutters that he knows who did this. He orders Zoe to take River and get her off the ship. He uses the CB to contact Jayne, and orders him to go to the engine room and get Kaylee and Simon off the ship. We see Jayne, and he's about to respond, but the lights decide that this would be a dramatic time to suddenly turn on. When they do, we see a little guy standing a few feet behind Jayne, looking much like that man who killed Lucy on ER. He screams and runs up, attacking Jayne from behind. Metal kitchenware falls dramatically to the floor.
Commercials. We return to Wash at the helm. He hears gunfire through the CB and starts demanding that somebody give him the 10-whatever-the-number-for-violent-assault-is. Nobody answers.
On the cargo ship, Mal, Zoe, and River have heard the gunfire as well. Mal realizes that it came from the galley, where Jayne was. They head in that direction and run into Simon and Kaylee, who also heard the gun. Simon freaks when he sees River. She says she was "following the voices." Why do all mentally unstable people on Mutant Enemy shows talk exactly the same? It's like they're all internally tuned in to radio KRZY (your source for rambling, incomprehensible dialogue) and are just repeating the latest programming to us. Simon tells her that she should never leave the ship. Mal orders Simon to take care of River (and calls him "son").
But rather than taking her off the ship, Simon and River follow Zoe and Mal as they head up to the galley. There, they find a huge mess, and eventually an unharmed Jayne. Mal asks Jayne what he saw. Jayne says he didn't see anything because the guy came at him from behind. "Big though," he insists. Jayne thinks he may have successfully hit the guy. Simon observes that he did while looking at the floor. There's a blood trail. Mal follows it over to some fan duct, where we can hear somebody gasping. Mal pulls the vent off; the man who attacked Jayne is cowering in the duct, muttering nonsensically about "no mercy." Mal insists that there's mercy. There's lots of mercy. Then he leans in and punches the guy out. Heh. Mal pulls the little man out of the duct and onto the floor. "Oh yes. He's a beast," Simon dryly says to Jayne. "It's a wonder you're still alive." "He looked bigger when I couldn't see him," is Jayne's reasonable response.
Back on the ship, Simon tends to the survivor's wounds while Mal watches. Outside the sick bay, the rest of the crew watches through the windows. Kaylee wonders how long the guy had been surviving there alone and how he made it when none of the others did. Jayne cynically theorizes that he's actually the one who killed the other passengers. Kaylee is shocked at the idea, and wonders if anybody else would be thinking that. There are several seconds of silence (meaning "yes"), but Zoe tells her that Mal wouldn't have brought the guy aboard if he thought he murdered people.
In the sick bay, Simon gives the guy's stats. There are no injuries other than the one bullet wound. The guy lies there on the cot, sweating, and reciting the latest programming on KRZY: "Vaguely Menacing Rants." He mutters about how the people on the ship were all "weak" and "cattle for the slaughter." Mal looks out through the window and sees Kaylee and Inara watching him. He orders Simon to dope the survivor. Simon starts to argue, but Mal insists. Survivor rambles more about no mercy or resistance, et cetera. When Simon injects him with a sedative, he grabs Simon's arm and mutters, "Open up. See what's inside." Eventually the sedative takes effect. Mal looks concerned.
Simon and Mal join the others outside. Simon explains that the guy is malnourished, but okay. Book asks if the guy will live then, with a strange self-satisfied smile, as if Book had played any role in his rescue whatsoever. Mal agrees that he will, but something he describes as "unfortunate." A confused Book calls such comments "uncharitable." Mal responds that charity would be "putting a bullet in his brain." Inara responds in shock. Mal insists that it will prevent future suffering. Mal shuts the doors to the sick bay, locks them, and orders the rest of the crew to stay out. He says there's nothing more they can do for the guy after what he's seen. Wha? Simon is as confused as I am. Mal "explains" that the ship was hit by "Reavers." The rest of the crew responds with horror.
We cut to about ten seconds later for some inexplicable reason. Mal pulls a mug out of his little locker in the dining area as the rest of the crew files in from the set they were on just a moment ago to beg for some more exposition. A visibly rattled Jayne insists that it wasn't Reavers; he tries to hold onto his first theory that the space floater they found was the murderer. Kaylee tries to bring up Jayne's more recent theory, but he dismisses it and is all cagey because he's specifically afraid of the Reavers. Like any other group capable of mass-murdering sixteen families and hanging them from the ceiling wouldn't be similarly terrifying. Jayne points out that Reavers don't ever leave survivors. Mal suggests that given the mental status of said survivor (I'll come up with a nickname for him soon, I swear), perhaps they didn't. Book asks Mal what he means. Mal non-explains, "Don't matter we took him off that boat, Shepherd. That's the place he's gonna live from now on." Book refuses to accept that and insists, "Whatever horror he witnessed, whatever acts of barbarism -- it was done by men, nothing more." And that matters how, exactly? How exactly is that less horrifying? Have you read that book you keep harping on, you twit? Jayne insists that they're not men. Book repeats that they're men, even if they are a bit removed from civilization. Book believes in a higher power, "a power that heals." I agree, and as proof, I suggest they lock Book in sick bay with the survivor until Book convinces that higher power to heal him.
So what exactly are the Reavers? I'm so glad you asked. Book's denial of the Reavers' evilness triggers Mal's exposition campfire ghost story. He starts off by telling Book that the Reavers wouldn't be too interested in hearing about his spiritual philosophy; they'd be too busy eating his innards. He "explains": "They got out to the edge of the galaxy to that place of nothing, and that's what they became." Oh. Of course. That makes perfect sense. Perhaps at the edge of the galaxy, the only radio station they could pick up is KRZY, and it wore them down. Or maybe they got trapped in the script for Star Trek V: The Final Frontier; that would destroy anybody's mind.
After that illuminating tale, Jayne asks them all why they haven't taken off yet to get away from the floating monument to Hellraiser. Mal tells them that their work isn't done. They've got scavenging to do. Jayne insists that there's no "rutting" way he's going to go back to a ship that's been mauled by Reavers. Zoe deadpans (like she has any other vocal delivery), "Jayne, you'll scare the women." Then Simon volunteers to go, explaining that he's dealt with bodies before. He's quite the eager beaver, isn't he? Before the show started, I was afraid that Simon would be some uppity twit who recoiled at the harshness of life on the fringe. I'm actually glad that's not the case. Book insists that he wants to give the dead a decent memorial service. Mal balks, but Book says, "How we treat our dead is part of what makes us different from those who did the slaughtering." The other part that makes them different is how they don't kill people, eat them, and string their remains up in the rafters in the first place. Let me read from Chapter Two in the story of "The Recapper Who Told Book To Shut Up": Shut up, Book. Mal appears moved, and agrees to allow Book and Simon to cut the people down. He orders Jayne to assist. Jayne gets incredibly pissy about having to help them hold a funeral, leaving them sitting ducks should the Reavers return. Mal insists that they should take the opportunity to give the folks some peace if they can. As people file out, Inara admiringly observes of Mal, "Just when I think I've got you all figured out." Yeah, whatever. Is she going to say something to that effect every episode?
Some of the folks head off to their tasks, leaving Wash, Kaylee, and Zoe behind with Mal. Kaylee and Wash seem rather surprised at Mal's kind words about caring about the dead settlers. But it turns out it was really a ruse to get all the tertiary travelers (and superstitious Jayne) out of their hair while they get down to the business of doing "what needs to be done." They must have cameras on the exterior of the ship or something, because Mal is able to show them the tentacles attaching themselves to their docking platform. Mal explains that it's a booby trap set up by the Reavers for rescue ships. When they try to detach from the cargo ship, it blows, presumably doing much damage. So Jayne's hysterical rants were pretty much right; the Reavers do intend to return. Kaylee gives some brief technobabble explanation of how easy it will be to cut through some line and detach the booby trap. Really, how complicated are booby traps set by people who have lost their minds entirely? Mal asks Kaylee if she's sure she can disable the trap. She's sure, but adds, "If I mess up, it's not like you'll be able to yell at me."
On the cargo ship, Jayne lowers the bodies while Book reads some sort of prayer. Foreboding music begins to play for this montage of crew in action. Simon just stands there. I'm not even sure what Simon is actually going to accomplish on the ship. It's not like they need autopsies or anything. I guess he just wanted to prove he can be a little butch for the right guy.
Back on Serenity, Wash helps Kaylee enter an access shaft leading to the docking platform.
In her shuttle, Inara scribes Chinese calligraphy. That's probably her diary, and she's writing about how sensitive Mal is and how they're going to have the most beautiful children together someday. River rests fitfully on Inara's bed. She sleeps more than a cat. Being a crazy psychic must take a lot of energy.
We cut to sick bay, where the survivor is also resting fitfully, rocking back and forth, much in the way that River was. See, they're listening to the same KRZY programs.
Kaylee crawls up to a collection of cords and wires underneath the docking system.
Crazy Survivor rocks back and forth laughing, then suddenly opens his eyes wide. At the same time, River starts freaking out in Inara's shuttle. KRZY must have needed to play their monthly emergency broadcast signal, which is the sound of Cthulhu singing the last digit of pi in i-sharp. Inara hugs River to calm her down while visions of non-Euclidean temples dance in her head. In the sick bay -- I'm going to call him Peter, because he's a crazy survivor -- Peter picks up a surgical knife.
On the cargo ship, Jayne drags out the farming supplies while Book continues his prayers. Simon holds a flashlight for Book. That's his whole contribution.
In the access tunnel, Kaylee nervously snips a single wire. A viscous fluid that looks a little too red to be oil drips out. The tentacles did look like they were alive when they attached to the ship, but you'd think there would be some sort of comment if they had developed cybernetic organisms like that. The tentacles detach themselves from the ship, and Kaylee smiles to herself over her success.
Jayne, Book, and Simon return to the ship with the salvage. Jayne sees that Kaylee and Wash were messing around with something, and asks what was going on. They all cover so as not to frighten the giant wimp with their near-death experience. Everybody works to get squared away to detach and take off. So, of course, the proximity alarm goes off again. New addition to the drinking game: Drink every time something bad happens right after the crew believes they've completed their mission. Jayne freaks out that the Reavers have returned. Mal orders them all to continue storing the goods while he and Zoe run up to the bridge to find out what's going on.
When they get up there, Mal asks Wash if it's the Reavers. It's not; they're being approached by a giant urban skyline floating through space. A voice orders them to stand down and prepare to dock and be boarded. Mal observes, "Looks like civilization finally caught up with us."
Commercials. When we return, it's Matt Fielding! He's an Alliance leader, standing in the obligatory "officious drone of the oppression" pose, staring out a window at Serenity with his hands clasped behind his back. Time has not been kind to Matt. Just as there are kinks with the terraforming technology, there are clearly kinks with the cryogenics. A drone wanders up to Matt, who tells him to cite the Serenity for some minor transgression. The drone tells Matt that they looked up the cargo ship information and discovered that it was expected at its destination three weeks ago. Yikes, you'd think Mal and Zoe would have smelled the corpses the moment they entered that storage room. Matt tells them to send a team over to investigate once they've got Serenity secured. Another drone mentions that there's an alert out for an unidentified firefly-class ship carrying a couple of fugitives -- a brother and sister. Matt asks what they're wanted for, but that information is classified. Poor Matt; he never gets to be part of the important plots, except when he tore Kimberly's wig off. Matt is annoyed that he doesn't know what to expect from these fugitives, so he orders his bellboys to shoot first if they find the fugitives, and let "the brass" sort things out later.
Back on Serenity, Mal rushes down to the cargo hold to change his orders. He orders Jayne to pull the goods back out. They bicker. Awkward Western slang is tossed about. Mal reveals that they've been pulled into an Alliance ship and are about to be boarded. Simon slowly starts to wig out, but politely, of course. He reminds them all that if the Alliance gets hold of River, they'll take her back to the Academy and he'll never see her again. Mal ignores him and orders the others to put the salvage in plain sight, like they aren't hiding anything or engaging in illegal activity or whatever. Then Mal orders Simon to fetch River. Simon's horrified, thinking that Mal's going to give them up to the Alliance. He asks if they had been planning to use him and River as bargaining chips all along. In the background, Jayne says, "I knew it!" Mal is insistent that Simon bring River down, but doesn't explain his plan or tell Simon not to worry, because why bother communicating when you can scare people and create dramatic tension? Even Book agrees with Mal and tells Simon to fetch his sister. How would Book even know what Mal was planning?
So the Alliance troops arrive and storm the cargo bay. The crew of Serenity stand around harmlessly behind the recovered cargo. Simon and River are nowhere to be seen. Mal snarks about the Alliance thinking they're all dangerous criminals or something. Matt arrives and tosses out officious questions. Is this everybody? Mal says that everybody is there, except for the wounded guy they rescued from the cargo ship. Matt sends troops back to the sick bay. Then he asks Mal whether he rescued this cargo as well. Mal has no answer.
Cut down to the sick bay. Two soldiers open the door, but there doesn't appear to be anybody in there. Then they hear a man laughing over in the corner. One turns and looks at him, horrified, but we don't see Peter.
Back in the cargo bay, Matt warns Mal that he could lose his ship for stealing Alliance goods in an illegal salvage operation. He adds that a penalty for such theft would pale in comparison to the penalty he'd face for harboring fugitives. He asks if Simon and River are on board. Mal plays dumb. Matt tries to play good cop, suggesting that nobody would blame Mal if a couple of stowaways had found their way on board without his knowledge. Mal doesn't fall for it. A soldier comes up and whispers something into Matt's ear. Matt tells the crew that they'll continue the interrogation in a more "official capacity." Guards start dragging the crew out of the cargo bay into the Alliance ship as Matt orders every inch of the ship searched. He calls Serenity a junker, which pisses Kaylee off. She calls Matt a "purple belly." Whuh? Their uniforms are gray. Let me guess -- the Alliance wore purple during the war or something. While the crew is being forced off, Alliance doctors unload Peter on a stretcher. We don't get a close enough look to see what has happened to him yet.
We cut to a montage of Matt interrogating the prisoners, interspersed with scenes of soldiers searching their rooms. That's a rather clever storytelling trick that I actually like. See, I'm not all hate. First up is Inara. Tellingly, the soldiers simply give her shuttle a look-over and try not to disturb anything. In some generic sci-fi conference room, Matt asks Inara how long she's been traveling with the others. Nearly a year. She asks why that's important. Matt explains that because the original pilot was rejected and moved to later in the season, it's now his job to draw out some of that misplaced background exposition. He says he's trying to figure out a woman with such "stature" as Inara's would fall in with "these types." Didn't she just have this conversation with Book last week? She explains that traveling with the crew allows her to "expand [her] client base," while having an official companion on board allows Mal access to business opportunities he might not otherwise get. I have about twenty different issues with the whole respected space hooker and companion thing, but I'm going to wait until Inara gets an actual plot before I truly vent all my problems with it.
Matt asks her, "And you love him?" Wha? Are we moving forward with the romantic tension already? Oh wait, this was an attempt at a "clever" transition. Now we're interviewing Zoe. Matt is asking her if she loves Wash. Like myself, Zoe wonders what the relevance of that question is. Matt exposits that Wash and Zoe first met through Mal. Apparently Zoe was already working with Mal when he went looking for a pilot and found Wash. Zoe says, "Things seemed to work out." Does Matt think that marital strife may have contributed to the mass murder of a bunch of settlers? This exposition disguised as interrogation is truly awful. Matt asks Zoe if she fought with Mal during "the war." Zoe: "I fought with a lot of people during the war." Matt: "And your husband?" Zoe: "Fight with him sometimes, too." Heh. Matt asks why Zoe doesn't want to talk about her marriage. Listen, buddy, just because you were everybody's confidante back on Melrose Place as an excuse to give you screen time, but no actual plot, doesn't mean that these people are interested in participating. Zoe insists that she and Wash are both very private people.
And that's a signal for another wacky transition. Wash is showing no interest in privacy whatsoever as he describes to Matt how hot Zoe is. He loves Zoe's legs. And her ass. And the rest of her.
Cut to Kaylee's interview, where she rants humorously for about a minute about the various flaws in the Alliance's exhaust design. Matt just stares at her, at a loss for words.
Back to Wash. He says, "Have you seen what [Zoe] wears? Fuggedaboutit. Have you ever been with a warrior woman?" No, I think it's safe to say that Matt has not been with a warrior woman. Or a submissive woman. Or a woman.
Cut to Jayne, just sitting there with his sleeveless shirt and his arms crossed, showing off his biceps and saying nothing. Matt seems infinitely more interested in this development than he was in Wash's description of Zoe. I'm just saying. We see soldiers searching through Jayne's room, which is chock full of weapons. Jayne continues to sit, saying nothing, his posture suggesting that he knows that Matt would become his bitch at a snap of his fingers. As would the rest of us. Well, some of us. Well, me. I do find it interesting that, despite his bitching about the siblings, given the opportunity to cash in on River and Simon -- and with the likely possibility that the rest of the crew wouldn't even find out he was responsible -- Jayne doesn't even blink. Either he's not nearly as mercenary as he'd have us believe, or it's just bad writing. I can't quite be sure yet.
Cut to Book. As with Inara, Matt thinks it's odd that these "pirates" would have a preacher on board. Book blathers on how things are a little less clear away from the central core out on these hinterplanets, and the "rules are a might bit fuzzier." That explained absolutely nothing. Matt brings up Simon and River. They were last seen on Persephone, which could be a planet, a space station, a ship, or the actual woman, for all we know. Anyway, they were seen boarding a firefly-class ship around the same time that Book joined the crew of Serenity. Book plays it off as coincidence. Matt warns him that if the siblings are on the ship, they'll find them.
Soldiers continue to search the ship. Are Simon and River underneath the placemats on the common table? No, they're not. Darn it. I thought for sure they'd be there. We pan back through a window on the ship to see that Simon and River are in spacesuits, clinging to the back of the ship, on the side facing away from the Alliance vessel. We pan all the way back to take in the sheer size of the ship. I think we have a new TWoP record -- an anvil the size of a moon. The Alliance ship looks like somebody took a gigantic boomerang and stuck five skyscrapers on top. See, because the city represents civilization. Do you get it? Do you? You do? Okay then. We pull back to Simon and River. Simon looks over to River. River is looking over her shoulder and smiling with joy. Simon cranes his head around to see what River's looking at. Stars. Lots of stars. It scares Simon, and he turns his face back to the ship, but River loves it. Aww. Cute moment.
Back on the ship, Matt heads in to interrogate Mal. Mal asks if they've seen what happened on the cargo ship. They have. Mal suggests that they not even tow it back -- just destroy it there. Matt says they're not going to destroy it, because it's evidence. Mal snarks that Matt wouldn't want to break the rules. He bitches when the Alliance doesn't try to help people, and he bitches when it does. I wonder if Mal truly wants to be independent at all, or if he just wants to be able to complain about the service. He theorizes that this is Matt's first excursion out to the hinterplanets. Matt responds with a sniff. He observes that Mal has a very loyal crew, and backgrounds that he has a history of inspiring loyalty in his followers. I hope this doesn't turn into a thing where everybody says how inspirational Mal is, but he never actually does anything recognizably inspirational. He's not particularly charismatic as it stands. Matt calls Mal "Sergeant." Mal says he's not a sergeant anymore because the war is over. Matt observes (accurately) that for some folks, the war will never be over. Just like our Civil War. Drink! More exposition. We find out the reason the ship is named Serenity. One of the last fights between the Alliance and the Independents was called the Battle of Serenity Valley. The Independents suffered a crushing defeat. Mal was there. Supposedly, this loss turned the tide of the war against the Independents. Matt wonders why Mal would name his ship after that battle, considering that he was on the "wrong" side. Mal observes that he was on the "losing" side. He's still not sure he was on the wrong side.
Matt uses this position of Mal's to theorize that he was the one who attacked the cargo ship and killed all the passengers. He's still fighting that lonely war against the Alliance. Mal sarcastically asks why they'd then take the one survivor back to the infirmary. Matt says they'd ask him, but apparently his tongue has been split down the middle. Ow. That's…ow. Matt says that he hasn't seen torture like that since the war. Interesting detail, that. Mal mutters something in Chinese. Matt tells Mal that he and his crew are "bound by law" for the murder of the passengers. Mal mutters, "I should have known," then warns Matt that he's not the problem. He explains, "If things go the way they are, there's going to be blood."
Cut to things going the way they are. Doctors try to help Peter in a medical bay. Lights beep. A lighted panel helpfully describes Peter's situation as "abnormal." While the doctors are working, Peter reaches over and grabs a surgical knife. We hear a slashing sound, and somebody screams. And there's the blood.
Commercials. I just heard today that Jennifer Love Hewitt wants to play Janis Joplin. Seriously, can nothing be done about this woman?
We return back to Matt's interrogation of Mal. During the break, Mal must have told him about the Reavers. Matt is dismissive, claiming that he's heard the Reavers used as a convenient explanation of any wrongdoing, like that "Not Me" ghost in "The Family Circus." Although he's never killed and eaten anybody. That would probably make the cartoon actually funny. Dad: "Who killed the mailman and impaled his torso on our white picket fence?" Billy: "Not me!" Mal is insistent. Matt asks if he saw the Reavers. Mal says he didn't, because there are never any witnesses. Except for that one witness they've got in sick bay. Mal goes on to give some sort of overwrought explanation about what must be going through Peter's mind while creepy music plays. He was forced to watch all the families get murdered. He was made to stare "into the darkness. The kind of darkness that [Matt] can't even imagine. Blacker than the space it moves through. They made him watch. He probably tried to turn away, but they wouldn't let him." Mal "theorizes" that the only way a man can deal with experiencing that much horror is to "become it." He suggests that Peter has started to "desecrate" himself through self-mutilation to look like a Reaver. Then he'll start acting like one. And then will the lambs stop screaming, Mal? Matt sniffs. Then he asks for an extra guard to escort Mal to the brig.
Back aboard Serenity, Simon and River have returned from their little space walk. River says she wants to go again. Simon says later, perhaps. I'm thinking that perhaps River was a bit developmentally disabled even before the Academy got hold of her. Simon doesn't seem to be particularly surprised at her more childish behavior. It's just the freak-outs that get to him. River worries that Mal and the others aren't coming back. Simon assures her that they are.
But Matt has other plans in mind. Mal is handcuffed, and Matt tells him that Serenity will be auctioned off, and the proceeds used for Mal's defense. The Sixth Amendment? What Sixth Amendment? President Ashcroft got rid of that nonsense centuries ago. I have to go lie down now. Just then, a guard comes up and whispers something in Matt's ear. Matt orders the guards to get Mal out of there, and calls for a full lockdown and guards at the nursery. Nursery? Mal insists that they won't find Peter, but he knows exactly where he'll go. What is this, Law & Order: Cosmic Cannibal Unit? How the hell would he know?
Cut to Serenity. Simon and River are heading back into the common areas from a corridor. River starts freaking out and pulls Simon back to try to keep him from entering the room. Simon tries to convince her that things are okay. Of course, they're not. Of course. Peter went back to the ship because, well, how many sets do you think they can afford what with them having to reshoot the pilot? We see a hand surreptitiously pull a knife off a table. River and Simon don't notice. But fortunately, it's The "They're Coming To Get You" Hour on KRZY, so River's naturally suspicious. Simon tries to convince River that she doesn't have to be afraid.
On the other side of the ship, Matt, Mal (still in handcuffs), and some goons are armed and looking for Peter. They come across a dead soldier. Mal says Peter's looking for "familiar ground." Sure, that makes as much sense as everything else about the Reavers. Matt orders the guards to take Mal back to the brig, but Mal insists that he stay because otherwise Matt will lose more men. Whatever, Mal is the Reaver Whisperer or something. I don't know what he thinks he's capable of doing that the other guards can't. Matt agrees to let Mal go first. Mal begs him to take off the handcuffs. Matt obligingly takes the cuffs off so that Mal's hands are no longer bound behind him, but then cuffs them back in front of him. Heh. Mal leads Matt and his goons down into the cargo bay.
Back up in the common room, Simon is still trying to convince River that everything's just fine. It's not working. She's thisclose to having a hissyfit. Then Simon hears Mal's footsteps and worries that Alliance people might be coming.
Mal, Matt, and the goons (that's the name of my surf-rock band) enter the common area from the side opposite of Simon and River, who are no longer there. They must have retreated down the corridor to hide. Mal works his way across the room to the other side while the guards fan out around the room. Mal looks down the corridor on the other side, and indeed, Simon and River are hiding there. Fortunately, Mal doesn't have to come up with a plan to keep the guards out of there. That's because Pete jumps out of hiding from behind the…uh…craft services table off-stage and attacks a guard. Seriously, there were guards all over that room. Pete wasn't really hiding anywhere. The actors were just all pretending not to see him. He slashes one of the guards with a knife, and he goes down. Blood splatters all over Matt. Peter tackles Matt and knocks him to the ground. Now we get to see what a Reaver looks like, sort of. Peter has inserted things like wires and safety pins through his face. So Reavers are apparently European punk rockers. I think it would be more believable if the Reavers were soccer fans. Especially if their team was having a really bad season. The men struggle. All the other guards in the room are apparently suddenly on break or something. Mal comes over and pulls Peter off Matt, ending the fight by snapping Peter's neck in that way that only works on television and the movies. And that's a good thing, because otherwise a lot of chiropractors would be in prison.
And so our anti-heroes are freed, but just like last week, they're taking a financial loss. The crew stands on the bridge, and Jayne mutters that even though Mal saved Matt's life, Matt took the cargo back anyway. If their mission goes wrong every week, I don't think it's going to take Reavers for these guys to have to resort to cannibalism. Our final shot for the episode comes from the Alliance city-ship, which blows the cargo ship up with missiles. So in the future, psychosis is a communicable disease, as is superstition.
week: A female stowaway tries to seduce just about everybody on the ship, regardless of gender. You are watching FOX!