Van sits in a chair in a room with acid-green walls. An off-screen voice announces that there is a new member of the group tonight. Van stands up and says, "Hi. My name is Van and I'm an alcoholic." The camera pulls back to reveal that he's sitting in a circle of about twenty others, who all respond, "Hello, Van."
Two weeks earlier. Billie tells the boys that on the night in question, Wisdom Bailey had a party. We see footage of said party, which apparently has a Black Light and Freaky Mask theme. A woman walks into the party and is met at the door by two guys waving metal-detector wands. Billie says that Wisdom is "a freak for security." Well then, you'd think he'd have stepped that security up a bit after Van and Deaq broke into his estate a few weeks back. A bunch of women writhe about at the party. It's kind of like a cross between Mardi Gras and Eyes Wide Shut. Wisdom himself walks into the room, wearing a Phantom of the Opera half-mask. Billie voice-overs that Wisdom is the owner of Wis Records, as well as a "convicted gang-banger, thug, and murderer." I didn't realize thuggery was a crime these days. What exactly is a thug anyway? Oh, and Wisdom is also giving super-secret testimony to the D.A.'s office on "a recent spate of gang-related crimes." Billie explains that, as a result, Wisdom is feeling a little paranoid, and has upped his security.
Billie continues the story, saying that "according to surviving witnesses," the girl in question was dressed in costume like the other partygoers. We see a woman (dressed in her bra/panty/garter belt combo that can't be comfortable) entering and being waved by the security wands. You'd think the metal studs on her leather mask would set off the alarms. Wisdom kisses the woman's hand. Billie explains that the woman spent most of the night in the corner talking to Wisdom. A bodyguard said that the woman seemed normal, and was just looking to hook up. Cut to the Candy Store, where Billie tells the boys, "Three minutes later, after the bodyguard said that to the EMT, he died." Well, that's a confusing antecedent. Did the bodyguard die, or the EMT? I'm guessing the bodyguard, but that could have been a bit clearer. Back at the party, Wisdom and Leather Mask Lady are kissing in a booth. She gets up and walks away. The bodyguard stops her; she grabs both of his guns and starts shooting up the joint. She takes out three bodyguards right away. You'd think if Wisdom were really that paranoid, both he and his bodyguards would be wearing bulletproof vests. Leather Mask Lady turns towards Wisdom, who reaches into his jacket and fumbles for a gun. Another bodyguard knocks the woman's shooting hand down, and she turns and shoots the bodyguard in the chest. Wisdom overturns a table for no apparent reason and runs off. Was the table supposed to be a distraction, or was it just cover from the bullets? Wisdom grabs a female partygoer and uses her as a shield while he makes his way to the door. Leather Mask Lady doesn't shoot at them, but she does take out a couple more bodyguards.
Back at the Candy Store, Billie says that Wisdom Bailey is alive and well, and hiding. They think the hit woman was hired by the Eight Trey Crips to take out Wisdom before he could testify against them. Billie says that the only evidence they have is a security tape of the woman, which she shows to the boys. Deaq thinks Billie has more. Billie says that a member of the Eight Trey Crips who is in prison says he can identify the lady: her name is Sophia Jones, and she was a sharpshooter for the military. She was honorably discharged in 1998 and lives in L.A. Billie says that two other police divisions have followed Sophia and even talked to her, but couldn't make a dent. She has no criminal record and an alibi for the night in question. Van thinks the snitch might have lied. Billie doesn't think so, and wants to find Wisdom before the shooters does. Billie and Deaq are supposed to find Sophia and figure out for sure if she's the shooter. Billie hands them a folder with all of the info they have on Sophia. Van glances down and notices that Sophia entered a drug diversion program at one point. Billie warns them that if they find Sophia, they can't turn their back on her for a second. Van asks if anyone wants to join him for one last drink, and then chugs some milk. We get a replay of Van at the AA meeting from the top of the episode, except this time we see that Sophia is in attendance.
Van and Deaq play pool at the Candy Store. Billie walks in and Van asks if she's found Wisdom yet. She hasn't, and asks how they're doing. Deaqon says that the going is slow, but he uses a really long and involved television metaphor that's not worth repeating. What is worth noting is Deaq's necklace, which is a huge gold chain, the likes of which haven't seen since the days that Kool Moe Dee was going to work, like a doctor. Van explains that Sophia has no friends and no weakness, and an excellent "crap meter." Van explains that he's had four long talks with Sophia after meetings, and every time he tells her something fake, she knows and shuts down. Van says that if he tells her something real, Sophia responds in kind, usually with info about how she came to be in AA. Van summarizes that the only time that Sophia opens up is when he's honest, and he can't be totally honest, since he's undercover and all. We see Van and Sophia talking, and follow the wire in Van's shirt out to Deaq, who is sitting in a car and reading a paper while listening in. Deaq teases Van about how boring their conversations are. Van reviews the code words with Deaq, so you know that's going to come up shortly. Deaq knows that red means that Van is in danger, and green means that Van is doing fine. Deaq complains that he's dying of boredom. Billie gets frustrated and asks if Sophia is the shooter. Van says that Sophia is definitely hiding something, but if he pushes too hard, he'll lose her. Billie orders him to speed things up, and Deaq rejoices. Van says, "I'm totally open to some female input," which sounds kind of dirty. Billie advises Van that women cannot resist fixing a broken man. Well, some women. Deaq says that's the reason Billie isn't married. Billie pretends to inspect her hand, then does the "wiping the eye with the middle finger so I'm actually flipping you off" thing, which was really mature. Van thinks Billie is right, and it's given him an idea.
Van calls Sophia and claims that he's having a bad day and wants to take a drink. Is she his sponsor? Because he should really call his sponsor in these situations. Sophia immediately becomes all business and orders Van to pour out the vodka. Van complains that it's a fifty-dollar bottle of vodka as he grabs Deaqon's bottle of milk and pours it into a vase on the table so that Sophia can hear it. What is with the milk drinking in this episode? Van thanks Sophia and says that he'd like to talk. Sophia gives him an address, and they hang up. Deaqon bitches about Van dumping his milk, and then picks up the vase and pours the milk back into the bottle. Wouldn't there have been water in that vase? Unless the flowers were fake. I just gave that about ten seconds' more attention than it deserved.
Sophia pours a drink and then serves it to a patron; she's a bartender. Van walks into the bar and wonders aloud why she invited someone struggling with not drinking to meet her at a bar. Sophia says she works there. Van asks how she works there. Sophia looks a lot like Carrie-Anne Moss. Sophia says that it works for her, and might not for someone else. She yells to one of her co-workers to get them some drinks and sits down at a table with Van to discuss the situation. Van says that he's having problems with his partner at work, and we cut to Deaq, sitting at the bar and listening in and rolling his eyes at Van's conversation. Sophia asks Van if he's lying, because she feels like there's something else going on. Van says that he lies a lot, and Sophia says she believes it, and asks if it's hard keeping all of his lies straight. Van thinks she knows from personal experience, and Sophia says she used to lie, but she got tired of it.
The co-worker sets down what looks like martinis in front of them. Sophia explains that it's just water with olives. Yuck. Olive water. Sophia explains that the drink is called "Sophia's Choice," and that she takes it with two olives, but Van isn't ready for that yet. She offers up her grandfather's favorite toast: "Here's to swimmin' with bowlegged women." Van laughs and picks at his olive, saying that he always hated "these little red things in the middle." Um, pimentos? Deaq hears the word "red" and books over to Van and Sophia. Van realizes what he said and says, "The green part." Deaq is already at their table, though. Sophia looks at him, and Deaq pretends he thought she was someone else and leaves. Van says that he thinks Deaq was hitting on her. Sophia doesn't think so, and Van says he must be a moron, then. Van tries to distract Sophia with a quick kiss and thanks her again for her help. Sophia says that the program is what helped. Van starts to say that he's probably totally out of line. Sophia says he only is if he's asking her out. Van says it wouldn't be a date; he just wants to get to know her better as a friend. Sophia wants to get to know him a little better first. Van thinks that's fair enough, and they shake hands.
Deaq and Van discuss the Sophia situation. Van says that he has a plan, and Deaq thinks this was a bad time for Billie to be out of town looking for wisdom. Van lays it out: he's going to stay wired and take Sophia for a hike. Deaq will stay at the Candy Store recording it. Deaq doesn't like that idea, but Van points out that they'll be in the woods, without a lot of places for Deaq to hide, especially now that Sophia knows his face. Van assures Deaq that he'll be the one pulling the gun, not Sophia. Then they argue about Deaq's "Uh Oh" face versus his "What's Up With Van?" face. Finally, Van says that he feels in his gut that Sophia is the shooter. Deaq makes the "Uh Oh" face.
Van and Sophia pull up to a hiking trail in a flashy yellow car. Van says they're going to be hiking, and he told her to dress sporty. She's wearing like a spandex racing suit or something, and says that she thought maybe they were going to a basketball game. Van puts a backpack on and they start walking along the trail. Cut to Deaq listening in back at the Candy Store. Billie walks in and says that her lead on Wisdom didn't pan out. Deaq explains, "Van's with Sophia, about to get his NRA on." Billie wonders why Deaq's not there too, and Deaq admits that he got made.
Back on the hiking trail, Van and Sophia reach a clearing. Van takes off his backpack and pulls out a gun. He points it at the back of Sophia's head and orders her not to turn around. Of course, she does. At the Candy Store, Billie asks what Van is doing, and Deaq says he's just trying to get Sophia to open up. Billie's like, "With a gun? I can't even leave for half a day." Sophia asks Van why he's doing this. Van says that Sophia tried to kill Wisdom Bailey, and Van gets paid to make sure that doesn't happen again. He orders her to turn around, put her hands on her head, and get on her knees. Sophia refuses to help him kill her. Van walks closer toward her and presses the barrel of his gun against her chest. He asks if she's ever let anyone go before, because he never has and he's never wanted to. They stare at each other real hard until finally Van puts the safety back on his gun and tells Sophia to get out of there, and that he'll deal with Wisdom.
Billie, Van, and Deaq sit at the Candy Store and bemoan the fact that the plan didn't work. Billie says that it was a good idea, though. Deaq says that Van was right, and that Sophia doesn't need anything or anybody. As Deaq goes on and on about how the army did a great job, Van's phone starts ringing. He answers, and after a few words, hangs up. He tells the others that Sophia wants to meet him at a hotel. Van adds, "My genius never ceases to amaze me."
Van walks into the hotel. Deaq sits outside, listening in as usual. Van enters the room, and says that he's surprised that Sophia wanted to see him. Sophia says that she thought about what Van said, and she got him a present. Van notes that he almost killed her and she got him a present. She orders him to open it. He opens a small suitcase to find a sniper rifle inside. Sophia gives him the specs on it and starts assembling it, then asks what he thinks. Out in the car, Deaq says that he thinks she's a psycho, but then again, he sitting there talking to himself, so he's probably psycho, too. Van, on the other hand, thinks the rifle is great and asks what the reason is for the gift. Sophia offers to show him. She hands Van the rifle, then walks to the window and opens it, telling him to look through the scope. Van asks what he's looking at. Sophia says the target should be coming out just about now. Van looks and sees Wisdom Bailey exiting the building. Deaq starts looking around, trying to find Bailey. Sophia tells Van that this is his chance to deal with Wisdom. Van cocks the rifle as we go to commercial.
When we return, Van complains that the rifle sight is off. Out in the car, Deaq begs Van to give him a clue as to Bailey's whereabouts. Van says, "You're good. Everybody's looking for him and you find him in a parking lot behind a hotel." Deaq takes off to grab Bailey. Sophia asks Van what he's waiting for. Van says he's waiting for a clean shot, and Sophia says he has one. Wisdom walks towards a Humvee. Van announces that he's taking the shot. Deaq pulls up with much squealing of tires. Van takes a shot and breaks the windows in the Humvee. Sophia asks what's going on. Bailey pulls out a gun and starts shooting back. Sophia spots Deaq and asks what he's doing there. Van complains that Deaq is screwing up his shot. Van keeps shooting and missing. Bailey manages to get into the Humvee. Van shoots out the tires and windows in Deaq's Trans Am. Sophia asks again who Deaq is, and Van says he doesn't know, but he's got to leave. Bailey tries to take off, but Deaq shoots at him. Bailey throws it in reverse, right toward Deaq, so Deaq drops to the ground and the Humvee rolls neatly over him. Deaq shoots out the tires and orders Wisdom out of the vehicle. Wisdom exits and asks if he knows Deaq. Deaq says that they had a pool party at his house a few weeks back, then calls Billie and says he's got Wisdom.
Van and Sophia are at Sophia's pad. Sophia is still wondering who Deaq is, since he's obviously following one of them. She asks if he's a cop. Van says he doesn't know. Sophia thinks he might work for Wisdom. Van agrees. Sophia asks if Van told Wisdom about her. Van points out that if had told Wisdom she was still alive, they'd both be dead right now. Satisfied, Sophia offers Van a drink. Van wants a Sophia's Choice. Sophia says he can have a real drink, since she knows he's not really in AA. Van says he likes her drinks, and claims that he's ready for two olives now.
In the all-white interrogation room, a man handcuffs Bailey to a chair. Billie walks in and tells Wisdom that he's got some serious problems, because he doesn't have any friends out there. She continues, "You flipped on the Crips. The Crips gave an order to wet you. No one wants to help a rat with a price on their head." And the award for worst dialogue in the episode goes to...Billie's little speech! First of all, "wet you"? I know that killing people is called "wet work," but that's just a terrible turn of phrase, because it just makes you think of peeing your pants. And second of all, it should be "a rat with a price on his head." I'm still not totally buying that it's okay to use a plural pronoun with a singular subject, but I can see why people do it when the gender of the subject is unknown. But unless Wisdom was born female, there's no real reason not to use "his" in that sentence, and it just irks me. Wisdom asks if Billie expects him to be cooperative, and says that he won't, because a woman killed his crew in front of four hundred people, and made him look like a bitch. As a result, Wisdom refuses to cooperate until the shooter is in custody. Billie asks whether Wisdom is pissed off or scared. Wisdom says that Billie's attitude is going to cause him to shut down, and that if they don't arrest the shooter, Billie can make her case "without the Wis, baby." I really expected him to conclude, "Because nobody beats the Wis." It would have made me laugh. Well, groan, and then laugh. Billie walks out. Wait, so she's giving into his demands? Can't the cops just say, "Fine, then you'll go to prison for the eight million other crimes you've committed"? Why are they even negotiating with him?
Sophia hangs up her phone and announces that Wisdom Bailey is in custody. Van says that the guy following them was a cop. Sophia thinks that the cop was following Van, and Van wonders why he couldn't have just as easily been tailing Sophia. She points out that Van is flashy (with the cars and the clothes and the money) while she's low-profile. Van says that he doesn't have a "museum-quality art collection" as he glances around the room. Sophia looks surprised but pretends not to know what he's talking about. Van says that her house is modest, but she's got a real Monet on the wall. Sophia says she usually doesn't invite people into her house. Van walks around the room and names the artists. Sophia asks if he's an art expert now. Van reminds her that his dad was a forger, and he knew his art as well as he knew his money. Sophia seems impressed. Van thinks she should buy a museum and have some art parties with her friends. Sophia says that she likes that it's a secret, and almost no one but Van has seen it. Then they start doing it, and we get our weekly shot of Shirtless Facinelli. What's interesting to me is that we get multiple shots of Sophia's lacy black underwear, which is distracting because Van is naked, and it just makes me wonder why she still has her underwear on.
Candy Store. Billie informs the boys that until Sophia is in custody, Wisdom won't cooperate. Billie scoffs at the fact that Wisdom is just mad that "a girl made him look like a big, screaming sissy." Deaq understands where Wisdom is coming from. Van has an epiphany. He points out that Wisdom wants Sophia bad, and Sophia wants to know who Deaq is really bad. Deaq doesn't like the sound of this. He does not, however, make the "Uh Oh" face, or even the "What's Up With Van?" face, like, if you're going to introduce a running gag, you need to use it more than once per episode for it to be funny. Billie announces that Deaq is going to meet Sophia.
Deaq walks into Sophia's bar and asks for a Sophia's Choice. She raises an eyebrow. Deaq introduces himself as "Cop, Dirty Cop." They banter about his name. Deaq says he's been tailing her for a long time and knows a lot about her. She doesn't take the bait. Deaq says he wants some cash or he'll go to Wisdom Bailey and give her up. Sophia asks what his problem is. Deaq grabs a napkin and writes down "$100K." He pushes it at her and says, "One hundred thousand. Tomorrow. Noon." Why did he bother to write it down if he was just going to say it out loud? Deaq gives her an address and tells her that if she doesn't show, she won't be long for this world. He rips on her stupid drink and leaves.
Deaq meets Van at a park and says that Sophia fell for it and wants to kill him really bad. Van thinks that's good. Deaq is surprised, because he figured he'd have to hear all about Sophia's sad childhood and other bullshit. Van says he wants Sophia behind bars for life, and he doesn't feel bad about it. Deaq laughs. Van asks why he's grinning "like the Cheshire cat," but he pronounces it like "Chesh-eye-er" instead of "Chesh-er." Deaq says he likes that Van is starting to think like him. Van is worried that he's starting to think like Deaq.
Van shows up at Sophia's place. He goes in for a kiss and she pulls a gun on him and presses it to his chest, asking, "Who are you?" Wow, I hope Van doesn't die during the commercial break!
When we return, Van is still alive. Whew! Sophia says that Van came into her life, and now she has big problems with the cops, and she wants to know why. Van tells her to put the gun down and they'll talk. Sophia tells him to answer the question, and then she'll put the gun down. Since she's the one with the gun, I'm guessing she's going to win this battle. Van tells her that they're both "in the problem business." Sophia says she has a cop threatening to sell her to Wisdom Bailey, which is a first in her career. Van wonders why it's his fault. Sophia says that cops don't know her, and no one knows her, except Van, so it seems like too much of a coincidence. Van says that Wisdom hired the cop to get her, and once he does, the cop will come after Van . Sophia seems to buy that, and I wonder what happened to her amazing crap meter. She puts the gun down and kisses Van.
Candy Store. Billie tapes a wire to Deaq's naked chest in preparation for his meeting with Sophia. Ooh, shirtless Bellamy. Van helps Deaq to put on a gun holster. Deaq says he'd feel better if there were fifty SWAT guys out there to stop Sophia before she gets a shot off. Van says that Sophia would smell the SWAT guys coming and the whole thing would be off, and then promises that he and Billie will have Deaq's back. Deaq doesn't seem very reassured by that.
Van and Billie tail Sophia as she leaves her house. If she could smell a SWAT team coming, why wouldn't she also notice that she's being tailed? Van tells Deaq to get ready. He pulls up to the meeting place and says he's not getting out of the truck until the whole thing is set up. Deaq sees Sophia pass him, followed by Billie and Van, so he takes a deep breath and gets out of his truck. Van tells Deaq that Sophia is pulling into a parking structure and they're two cars behind her. Sophia takes her parking ticket and enters. Billie and Van get stuck behind some old fart that drops his parking ticket and holds them up. Billie says that they won't lose Sophia now, because she can only go up. The old fart finally grabs his ticket and goes. Billie pulls up and grabs her ticket as Van yells at her not to drop it. Billie asks if he's always this much of a back seat driver, and Deaq pipes up that he is. Deaq hopes they didn't lose Sophia. Sophia parks and gets out of her car, carrying a briefcase. Billie squeals her tires through the parking structure, trying to catch up to Sophia, like that's not obvious. Billie admits to Deaq that they've "lost visual contact for the moment." Deaq says he's getting back in the truck.
Sophia exits the parking-structure elevator onto the roof. She walks over to the edge and looks over until she spots Deaq, and then starts assembling the gun that was in her briefcase. Van and Billie park to Sophia's car and tell Deaq where they are. Deaq starts freaking out and running across the street like Frogger. Billie says she'll head down and Van will head up. Van takes out his cell phone and calls Sophia. She answers and says it's not a good time. Van asks where she is, but she keeps saying that it's not a good time as she continues assembling her rifle. You'd think someone with as much military training as Sophia could put that thing together in, like, five seconds, blindfolded. Van says he can't tell her his information over the phone, and Sophia asks if she can call him back. Van asks where she is as he makes his way up the stairs of the parking structure with his gun drawn. Sophia says she can't tell him. Van reaches the roof and notes that it sounds windy where she is. Sophia says that it is, and that she really has to go. She hangs up, her rifle fully assembled. Van yells, "She's on the roof." Sophia gets Deaq in her sights. I really hope Deaq doesn't die during the commercial break!
Whew! Deaq is still alive! But for how long, people? For how long? Sophia still has him in her sights. The camera pulls back to reveal that Van is right there, with his gun trained on Sophia. He orders her to put down the rifle. She ignores him. Deaq hears Van's orders and starts running. Sophia finally puts the rifle down. Billie miraculously made it to the top of the parking structure in, like, two seconds, and she informs Van that she's got his back. The elevator dings and a woman pushing a stroller walks out. Sophia turns and points her rifle at them, telling Van that "children shouldn't grow up without a mother." Billie tells Van to stop right there because she has a clean shot at Sophia. Van doesn't move. He tells Sophia that she won't shoot the mother, just like she didn't shoot Wisdom Bailey's hostage in the club, and that she should point the gun at him, since she's really mad at him. Sophia does, and now they are both pointing guns at each other. That seems like pretty close range for Sophia's rifle. Van tells Sophia that he has a boss twenty feet away who will kill Sophia if he moves an inch. Van orders Sophia to put the gun down, because it's over. Sophia puts her gun down and says, "This is not over." Van takes her rifle away. Deaq arrives, and I'm starting to wonder how many stories high this parking structure is, because people are able to reach the top in record time. Deaq, Billie, and Van all move in to apprehend Sophia.
Candy Store. Van and Deaq play basketball. Van is losing. Deaq suggests that Van is distracted by Sophia, and that she got to him. Van admits that he can't stop thinking about Sophia, "not in a sexual way, but in a more intriguing 'I never really got a chance to figure this girl out' kind of way." We see Sophia, handcuffed and in a prison jumpsuit, sitting in the back of a transport van. Van tells Deaq that Sophia is a different kind of human being, and that he doesn't think she'll feel much different in prison. Sophia's transport stops, and the driver gets out to unlock the back door. When he does, Sophia stands and moves to the entrance, accompanied by another guard. When they reach the door, she elbows one guard in the head, knocking him out. She jumps out of the truck and uses her leg shackles to strangle the other guard, taking his gun and shooting the final remaining guard at the same time. Aren't they outside a prison? Wouldn't there be anyone waiting for them at the gate?
Billie walks in and interrupts the basketball game to inform the boys that Sophia escaped, killing two transport guards along the way. Deaq says that now Sophia is going to be on Van's ass, since they all heard her say that it wasn't over. Billie agrees, and advises Van to get out of town for a while until they get Sophia back in custody. Van says that they're all looking over their shoulders every day, so he's not going anywhere. Billie resignedly agrees.
Van lies in bed, asleep. He stirs and sees Sophia to him. She rolls on top of him and puts a gun to his head. She says, "I trusted you," and pulls the trigger.
Van wakes up with a start to find his phone ringing. He answers, and Deaq asks if he's okay. Van says he's fine. Deaq says he could pop by with some beers and they could watch The Real World Las Vegas. I'm taking that as a shout-out. Van says it sounds tempting, but he's going to get some sleep. He thanks Deaq for calling and they hang up.
The phone rings again and Van answers, "Dude, I'm fine." Of course, it's Sophia. She asks if his name is really "Van." He says that he can't tell her over the phone, and suggests that they discuss it over a drink. He asks where she is, then slowly slides open a dresser drawer and pulls out a gun. Sophia asks if it's the cop asking, or if he really wants to know. Van says that he and the cop are inseparable as he stands and sneaks out of the room. Van asks what she wants, and Sophia says she just wants to talk. Sophia says she's been thinking about him a lot, and she realized that she could tell him everything because they're a pair. Van peeks into his bathroom and says that he weirdly agrees. Sophia asks whether, if she told him she was close, he would be happy or afraid. Van kicks open the door to his bathroom, only to find it empty. Sophia says that Van set her free, and she's out in the world, and she likes it. She asks Van to take care of his art collection, and not to change his phone number. And then she mentions fava beans and a nice Chianti, because she's such a low-rent Hannibal Lecter. Van hangs up and stares at himself in the bathroom mirror. Sophia walks outside as some French pop music plays. She walks by a sign directing people (in French) to an AA meeting. Van splashes some water on his face and wonders why he can't meet a normal girl.
week: Van and Deaq team up with a new partner. Well, Deaq really teams up with her, if you know what I mean. And then he almost gets shot. Then again, they made it out in the last promo like Van was going to have to shoot Deaq, and that never happened, so who knows?