As "I Wanna Be Sedated" by the Ramones plays, Van and Deaq pull into a rest area in a shiny red car. What an odd song choice for this scene. I mean, it's a great song, but I don't understand why it's underscoring this particular scene. An SUV also pulls into the rest area, and a man and a woman get out. Van and Deaq approach the couple, and when they pass, Deaq and the man surreptitiously exchange keys. Well, surreptitiously to anyone there -- the audience gets to see it because the editors freeze-frame it on a close-up of their hands and superimpose the words "The Exchange" on the screen. The camera zooms over to the trunk of the shiny red car and goes inside, where we find piles and piles of money. In case you weren't sure what those green and white pieces of paper are all about, the editors superimpose the words "The Cash" on the screen. We zoom over to the back of the SUV, which contains many white packages, which any viewer of television ever knows are bags containing some sort of drugs. But just in case, the editors superimpose the words "The Dope" on there.
As the respective parties make their ways to their new vehicles, the camera zooms over to a bunch of people sitting at a picnic table nearby, one of whom is Billie. She contemplates the can of NotBudweiser she's holding and then yells out "LAPD!" The picnickers, who we now know to be undercover cops, spring into action. The drug seller tells his companion, "They fixed us!" and pulls out a gun, aiming it at Deaq. Van yells out a warning. The female drug seller makes a flying leap and tackles Male Drug Seller, disarming him during the fall. She straddles his chest and says, "I fixed you." Male Drug Seller groggily asks, "Alexa?" Meanwhile, Billie and her crew "arrest" Deaq and Van. Deaq can't believe that Alexa broke cover, but Billie tells him to shut up and continues frisking him. Billie disarms Deaq and tells him and Van that they are under arrest. Male Drug Seller watches this whole display. Deaq yells at Billie to take it easy with the handcuffs, and she turns him around and tells him that he needs some discipline, then socks him right in the jaw. She leans over and whispers something in Deaq's ear that we don't get to hear, and then the other cops take Deaq and Van to the jail transport van with Male Drug Seller. Before the doors are closed, Male Drug Seller threatens, "When you least expect it, Alexa. When you least expect it." She replies, "See you at the crossroads, Jackson." What does that even mean? The van takes off and Billie and Alexa hit fits. Alexa asks if Billie really had to hit Deaq like that.
In the transport van, Deaq complains about getting hit. Jackson (formerly Male Drug Seller) says that it's time to "box up some bitches." Deaq plays dumb, and Jackson explains that he thought Deaq was the snitch, and drew his gun. Yes, we all just saw the scene that took place like four seconds ago, Basil Exposition. Jackson says that he should've known, "bros before hos." Is it wrong of me to want Deaq and Van to just kill this guy now? Jackson says it's "a matter of time before [he's] going to be selling [Alexa's] body parts on eBay." Deaq and Van remind Jackson that there is the small matter of them currently heading to jail for a long, long time. Jackson is undeterred.
Three small vehicles are following the transport van. They look like go-karts, but are obviously much more powerful since they easily caught up to the van. Deaq tells Jackson that it would be bad of one of Jackson's "boys" killed a cop. Jackson says he plans to take care of it himself. Deaq asks how he plans to do that, and they all laugh as Jackson responds, "With a little bit of faith." The three go-karts reach the van, and the driver of one reaches out and attaches something to the van's rear bumper. Another driver pulls up alongside the van and pulls out a gun. Van and Deaq hear the noise from the go-karts, which Jackson says is "the sound of faith." The Ramones start up again as the go-kart driver shoots the van's driver, causing the van to go flying off the road and roll over, complete with flaming wreckage. Weren't they worried that the crash would kill Jackson? I guess not.
The go-kart drivers open the back of the transport van and help Jackson out. Van and Deaq follow. Jackson says goodbye to Van and Deaq, who can't believe he's just leaving them there. Deaq asks what's going to happen to Alexa, like does he think that Jackson is going to throw her a party? He already said he's going to kill her. Jackson repeats this threat for those of you just tuning in after the first commercial break. Deaq wants to go after Jackson immediately, but Van reminds him that they can't, or they'll break cover. Jackson gets into one of the go-karts and takes off. Deaq says, "He puts one hand on her, I swear, I'll cut it off." Van thinks they have to get to Alexa before Jackson does. You think? These guys are masters of stating the obvious.
Three weeks earlier. Candy Store. Billie asks the boys what they're afraid of. Van denies being afraid, and Billie reminds him that he said he'd "rather be castrated with a butter knife than be sent in after the Chinese Triad." Billie gives them the low-down on one Jackson Yew, the leader of a Triad sect called Mighty Blue. Now there's a gang name that inspires fear in the hearts of millions. Oh, no! They're not just blue, because that would be scary enough. They are Mighty Blue! Fear their blue wrath and fury! Billie explains that Jackson killed a rival gang leader and took over his drug trade. We see Jackson walk into an arcade and shoot some dude way more times than were strictly necessary. He also does that stupid "hold the gun sideways" thing that I hate, and then bellows, "Mighty Blue!" Deaq points out that it's a Chinese gang, so he and Van might have some trouble breaking in. Billie tells them that there is already an undercover cop, Alexa Tan, working with Jackson to find buyers for his drug of choice, yabba. Billie explains that yabba is a new and lethal form of methamphetamine that they want to keep off the streets, so Van and Deaq will pose as buyers that Alexa found, and buy up all of Jackson's supply. Billie tells them that they should meet Alexa at Rock Star Arcade in Chinatown.
Before ending the meeting, Billie warns Van that Alexa is her friend from the academy. Billie tries to figure out how to speak in Van language, and ends up saying that with regards to Alexa, "there wasn't one guy in the academy who didn't want to shizzle her whizzle." I sat here for like ten minutes trying to figure out what Billie could possibly have been saying there, with no luck. Post something in the forums if you figure it out. I mean, she was obviously saying that Alexa is hot, and all of the guys wanted to do her, but usually the -izzle suffix substitutes for something else. Yizzle knizzle, nephew? Van laughs at Billie's pathetic attempt at street talk. Billie tells Van to stay away from Alexa, because she just went through a rough divorce. Van is offended, but Deaq promises to keep Van in check.
Van and Deaq show up at the arcade to meet Alexa. Deaq points out a chick and says, "Now that's bananas, with a capital 'nanas." I don't know. Van claims that "she's not like the Bombay or anything." Of course, the chick in question is Alexa. Deaq gives her an appraising look, and Alexa thinks that Deaq must be Van, the one Billie warned her about. They get the identity thing straightened out. Alexa looks Deaq up and down and accuses Billie of "always hiding the chocolate." Van tries to bring things back to the business end of things. Alexa says that she has it all set up, and she told Jackson that Van and Deaq are gay lovers, so they just need to hold hands and kiss now and then. Van and Deaq squirm a bit, because that would be gross, and Alexa admits that she's kidding. She says that Jackson doesn't care how she met the boys, as long as they have money. She advises them to flaunt their toys and remember that Jackson is immature, so he's not impressed by sophistication and culture.
Cut to Van and Deaq facing off in a game of Dance Dance Revolution in the arcade. I don't know what Van is doing, but it's cracking me up. Alexa and Jackson watch, and Jackson makes a comment about how Van and Deaq are playing a kids' game. But I thought Alexa told them to act immaturely? So why is Jackson acting all offended? Alexa introduces Van and Deaq to Jackson. Van says that they just finished playing eight straight hours of Grand Theft Auto. Jackson says that he rules Vice City, so I guess they all love each other now. It reminds me of the day that Glark met J-Dawg.
The foursome sits down. Jackson orders drinks for all of them, but Alexa interrupts to say that she wants a chocolate martini, and gives Deaq a look to make sure he caught the implications of that. Jackson is impressed that Van has a black American Express card. Alexa doesn't know that very few people have them, and Jackson knocks her on the head and calls her a "dumb bitch" as well as a "prime piece." Deaq protests, but Jackson says that "the dumb ones do what they're told, and they're too stupid to fix you." Van hands a backpack to Jackson, and Deaq explains that it's a down payment for the drugs. Jackson is surprised, and Van says that "the dumb bitch" vouched for him. Jackson asks who they are, and Deaq responds, "The real deal." Am I the only one who just started singing, "The real deal with Bill McNeal!" Ah, Phil Hartman. We miss you.
Van and Deaq play basketball at the Candy Store while Alexa and Billie sit in Billie's office and catch up. Alexa says that Jackson wants to do business with the boys, and as soon as they find out the location of the transaction, they'll let Billie know so she can set up a sting. Billie and Alexa have this annoying habit of saying, "Boo-ya?" instead of "Okay?" I tried to ignore it before, but it appears that it's going to be a recurring theme so I had to mention it. Billie asks Alexa if she's feeling good about this case. Alexa says she can't wait to get Jackson out of her life, because while she has dealt with "the lowest of the low," Jackson is something else entirely. She's even been having a recurring dream where Jackson finds out she's a cop and comes to her house to torture and kill her. Billie wants Alexa to come and stay with her until the case is over. Alexa refuses. Billie changes the subject to ask how the boys are treating Alexa, and gets suspicious when Alexa talks about how great Deaq is. Alexa insists that she's just window-shopping, because being a divorcee makes her feel pathetic. Billie points out everything Alexa has going for her, including spunk. Alexa can't believe Billie said that she has spunk. Billie replies, "What's wrong with spunk? Men need spunk. Men like spunk." That line cracked me up because I'm four. Alexa asks Billie if she's ever "taken Deaq for a couple laps." Billie laughs and tells Alexa to get out. Alexa walks out.
Billie thinks for a moment and tells Van to come into her office. He protests that he didn't do anything. Billie calls Van a "beaten dog," and says she loves it. Van sits down and asks if Deaq has said anything about Alexa. Van says that her name has come up since they're all working on a case together. Billie asks if Deaq has mentioned wanting to "knock it with her." Van laughs again at Billie's attempt at slang, and then claims that Deaq hasn't mentioned anything to him, and that Deaq's a pro who wouldn't mix business with pleasure. Van's face is very pink as he says this, and Billie realizes that he's lying, and wonders how he hasn't gotten killed by now since he's such a bad liar. Billie says that she would expect such behavior from Van, but not Deaq. Van suggests that Billie tell Alexa to back off. Billie says she doesn't tell her friends what to do, but Deaq is her employee. Van leaves to play some more basketball.
Van and Deaq walk into a club, discussing Van's conversation with Billie. Deaq can't believe that Billie's trying to tell him what to do, and wants Van to tell Billie to step off. Van asks if he's wearing a neon bike helmet and spandex pants, because he's not a messenger. He's not, but that reminds me that Facinelli hasn't taken his shirt off yet, and what's up with that? The boys reach a bouncer and give their names, explaining that they are friends of Jackson's. The bouncer checks a list and tells them that the cover is $5,000 per person. What the? For that kind of money, there had better be...I can't even imagine what could be in that place that would be worth that kind of money. Deaq protests the price, and the bouncer assures him that it's "mad worth it."
The boys walk into the club as a song on the soundtrack goes, "I know you've got a great big hammer." I'm still not sure why this club is supposed to be worth so much money. Probably they are trying to imply activities that they can't show on network television, but so far I've seen semi-naked women making out and casual drug use, which I think you can get at pretty much any bar. There is one weird area where women poke their hands through holes in the wall and grope some guy. And a woman is painting a tattoo on another woman. Alexa welcomes them to the club, which is called The Phoenix Nest, and she explains that it's Jackson's "den of depravity." Van leaves to say hello to Jackson. Deaq tells Alexa that the club is just like his apartment. Van says hello to Jackson, who calls Van "Blackheart" for no apparent reason. Van says that the club is nasty in a good way. Jackson offers Van some drugs. Van says no, but Jackson snorts something and then tells some random woman that the drug is called "Hitler's drug" because he gave it to his troops. Jackson says that he considers Hitler a role model. I get that they want us to hate this guy, but couldn't they come up with something a little less obvious than Hitler worship? The random woman leaves, and Van and Jackson discuss the details of their business transaction. Jackson gives Van the place, and Van thinks it's a bit far away. Jackson says it's in case he decides to kill Van and Deaq -- they'll be far from civilization. Van laughs, and so does Jackson, but then he gets all serious and says, "You think I'm kidding?" Van asks, "Are you?" Jackson asks, "Am I?" Van's all, "I don't know. Are you?" And Jackson's all, "I don't know. Am I?" And Van's all, "No, but seriously, are you?" And Jackson's all, "I'm asking. Am I?" Okay, I might have exaggerated a little there, but that dialogue was so bad that I had to embellish.
Deaq and Alexa are still flirting. Deaq mentions that Billie is really protective of Alexa, and she says that she and Billie have a history together. Deaq asks if Alexa is talking about regular history or relationship history. Alexa laughs and Deaq asks, "Back in the day, did [Alexa] and Billie bake muffins together?" Well, that's a creative way of putting it. Alexa says that they didn't and laughs again. Alexa asks for Deaq's hand so she can read his fortune. Oh, that's the oldest trick in the book. Alexa says that she sees "a bra clasp opening, and a tongue licking down a neck." Straightforward, isn't she? Deaq is no slouch in that department either, as he takes Alexa's hand and says that he sees "champagne on skin, rolling down to the loveliest places" and "strawberries on [her] lips." How can they say that without cracking up at how ridiculous it sounds? This is why I could never be a phone sex operator. Well, that and a bunch of other reasons.
Alexa suggests that they get out of there, and we cut to the two of them getting it on. Ooh, shirtless Bellamy! I guess they're alternating the shirtless scenes these days. Before things can progress too far, the lights come on and we discover that they were doing it in Billie's office, and Billie and Van just arrived. Deaq is holding Alexa, and her legs are wrapped around his waist. Billie is shocked and disgusted, and stammers, "Were you just...on my desk?" Van just cracks up. Deaq sets Alexa down, and she says that she's leaving. Then, she leaves. Deaq asks Billie if she's mad. Billie says she's not, but she clearly is, which Van confirms. Billie says that she would have hoped Deaq could show some restraint until the case was over. Deaq protests that they are adults, and Billie says that it's not very adult to do it on her desk. Billie says that Alexa is fragile right now. Deaq says she's not, and Van cracks up. Billie says that Deaq is looking at Alexa through his "one-eyed monster" and she totally points at his groinal area. Billie adds that Alexa doesn't need someone like Deaq right now. Deaq asks what Billie's trying to say. Billie tells Deaq to concentrate on the case. Deaq says that what he does on his own time is his own business, and Billie reminds him that while he's working for her, there's no such thing as his own time. Van gets Deaq to leave.
Deaq and Van drive somewhere. Deaq complains about Billie's attitude, and Van tells him not to worry about it. Deaq says Billie doesn't know what Alexa needs, and maybe Alexa and Deaq need each other right now. Deaq concludes, "Just 'cause she split with her man, that don't mean she have to sit on a Shiva, sewing an afghan." Van says that technically you crochet an afghan. And technically, I think you sit Shiva, not sit on a Shiva. Van throws out an extended metaphor about Billie and Alexa being minor-league baseball players, and Alexa got called up to the majors to pitch in the World Series while Billie is still stuck in Duluth. Deaq likes that metaphor, because he got to be the World Series.
Billie talks to Alexa on the phone. Alexa says, not unkindly, that she knows Billie is just trying to help, but Alexa can take care of herself. Alexa protests that she's able to think straight in Deaq's presence. We see a shot of Alexa talking on the phone, and discover that Deaq is sitting right there. Alexa talks to Billie about Deaq's pecs and abs, and Billie gets off the phone quickly. Alexa and Deaq totally do it.
The day, Van talks to Billie about her face when she saw Deaq and Alexa on her desk. Billie is glad that Van can laugh at the idea of the Candy Store becoming "a shtup den." The problem with giving Tiffani "Don't Call Me Amber" Thiessen these lines is that she can't deliver them convincingly. Bellamy and Facinelli can, but Tiffani pauses over them and emphasizes the wrong words and it just doesn't work. Van says he's just waiting for his partner to get there so that they can go bust Jackson. Van asks why Billie is so bothered by the whole thing with Deaq and Alexa. Billie says the whole thing is like bad porn. Van thinks that Deaq wouldn't be crossing Billie like this if it were just about sex, and points out that Deaq and Alexa are both alone in the city, so maybe they could make it work. Billie says she doesn't buy it. Billie adds that she doesn't have a lot of friends, and Alexa is probably her one true friend and they are so close that we've never heard about said friend until this week when it became convenient to the plot. Billie likes Deaq, but she's still not okay with this. Deaq busts in. Billie asks where he was last night. Deaq says he was home. Billie says she called him, so she knows he wasn't. Billie starts to yell at Deaq some more, but Deaq offers to go back to New York once the case is over. Deaq adds that Billie needs to get a life. Billie is silent. Van is silent. Deaq and Van take off to make the bust.
Then there is a quick montage of the pre-credits sequence. This time we get to see that Billie whispered to Deaq, "I may not have a life, but I've got a mean right hook." That was it? I totally thought it was going to be something like, "Don't worry about Alexa -- this is all a setup." What a disappointment.
Van and Deaq are alone in the desert, still cuffed. After ascertaining that the two prison guards are dead, and that the radio doesn't work, they decide to flag down a car. Van gets the key from one of the dead guards and unlocks both of their cuffs. As they start to leave, two yokels show up with guns. This whole scene is so stupid and the yokels are such caricatures that it's not even worth discussing. All you need to know is that Van and Deaq knock out the yokels and take their guns. They use those guns to flag down and carjack a passing motorist. As they get into the car, Deaq actually yells out, "Hang on, Alexa baby. We coming!" I laughed and laughed at that one. Deaq finds out that the car phone isn't getting a signal and bemoans that Alexa broke cover. Van says that Deaq would have done the same in that situation. Deaq yells out that Jackson is going to kill Alexa, like we get it for the fifteenth time!
Billie drops off Alexa at her house and says she should go bail out Van and Deaq. Alexa asks if Billie's going to punch Deaq again. Billie tries to discuss the situation, and Alexa says that she doesn't want to get involved. Billie agrees that it's not Alexa's problem. Alexa gets out and walks into her house. She sets her gun, keys, cell phone, and badge on the counter. She walks into another room, and Jackson is waiting for her. Surprise! Except, not really.
Deaq finally manages to get the phone to dial out. He calls Billie and asks if she's with Alexa. Billie says she just dropped her off. Deaq explains what happened, and Billie pulls a 180 and heads back to Alexa's house.
Alexa tries to reason with Jackson, saying that if he kills a cop, he'll get the death penalty. Jackson pulls out a switchblade and says that Alexa should know that he's not afraid of repercussions. She makes a run for it, but he grabs her and holds the knife to her throat. You'd think she would have training that would deal with exactly this situation, and she would know how to get out of it with a few well-placed kicks and jabs.
Deaq and Van pull up to Alexa's house. They hop out of the car and run into the house, only to find Billie cradling a dead Alexa in her lap. Alexa's throat has been slit. Tiffani tries for sad, but ends up looking like she has to burp. Deaq grabs his head like he has a migraine. The paramedics arrive. Billie gets up and walks out. Deaq tries to stop her, but she just grunts at him. What the hell was that? Deaq says, "No, man." I can't believe someone gets paid to write this dialogue. Deaq flashes back to all of his (like, three) times spent with Alexa and whispers, "No."
In her office, Billie twirls an ashtray on her desk. Van and Deaq slowly walk in and offer their condolences. Billie points at Deaq and says, "Don't." She starts yelling at him. Van tries to get her to stop, but Deaq says that if Billie needs someone to blame, she can blame him. Billie says she does blame Deaq, because Alexa never would have broken cover if not for him. Billie points out that she begged Deaq not to get involved with Alexa. Deaq says that Alexa wouldn't have let Jackson shoot him regardless. Billie gets angry that Deaq is questioning how well she knows her friend. Deaq says that Billie only cares about "procedure and form." Yes, I can see why he'd say that about someone who runs a covert, off-the-books undercover operation. Billie screams that she "gave a damn about [her] friend, Alexa." Well, I'm glad she clarified which friend she was talking about there. Billie screams at Deaq, "You took away my friend! You were the one I thought I could count on, Deaq." Deaq asks if Billie can't count on him, and Billie says she can't anymore. Deaq yells that he had Billie's back "from Jump Street" and I don't even know what that means but I'm going to start saying it anyway. Billie says all that was before Alexa, and now Deaq is just another disappointment. Deaq points out that Billie organized the bust, and the transport to county. Billie asks if Deaq is saying that it's her fault that Alexa died. Deaq is.
Van points out that no one is responsible for Alexa's death except for Jackson, so they should go after him. Billie is already on it, and tells the boys to figure out where Jackson is hiding. Van admits that they might already know, and Deaq adds that they're not telling Billie, because she'll fly off the handle and get killed by Jackson as well. Van reminds Billie that they never blew their cover, so they can still get inside and take Jackson down. Billie says she deserves to do it. Deaq refuses, because he thinks it will get her killed. Billie asks again where Jackson is hiding, and the boys still refuse to tell her. Billie walks out of her office and stomps over to a safe. She pulls out Van and Deaq's badges and says that if they don't tell her, they can "go back to writing parking tickets." They both remain silent. Deaq picks up his badge and walks out. Van follows suit. Billie shows how pissed off she is by chewing her lip and tucking her hair behind her ear. Angrily.
Van and Deaq drive along and agree that Jackson is hiding at the Phoenix Nest. Van says that they need a plan, but Deaq disagrees. Van asks if they're going to walk in there and execute Jackson. Deaq isn't having it.
Billie tells an assembled SWAT team that Jackson Yew is a fugitive from the law and a cop-killer so they should "exercise extreme prejudice and take no prisoners." Bald Swat Guy asks about Deaq and Van. Billie says that they're no longer with the operation, and they should be detained as hostiles.
At the Phoenix , Jackson tells his gang that the cops are coming for him, and when the doors fly open, Mighty Blue has to represent. And this is the funniest part of the episode. They cut to each character like the Beastie Boys in "Fight For Your Right" like so:
Jackson: Bring!
Billie: The
Deaq: Ruckus.
Ruckus? I would have said pain, or possibly noise. But ruckus? The SWAT team busts into the arcade. Billie calls out for Mighty Blue and asks one guy where Jackson is hiding. The guy spits right on Billie's face. She pulls out a club and kneecaps the guy, so he gives up Jackson's location.
Van and Deaq walk into the Phoenix Nest. Jackson asks if they're sure they want to be there. Van points out that they lost their money and the cops are after them, so Jackson could at least offer them some security. Jackson tells them that the cops are about to arrive any moment, and adds that he already "took care of Alexa." Deaq purses his lips. Jackson says that he slit Alexa clean across, and the best part is that he kissed her while she died. Deaq pulls out his gun just as Billie and the SWAT team bust down the door. Everyone starts shooting and ducking and covering. I don't know what the bullets are hitting, but there are feathers and dust flying everywhere.
SWAT team members drag Van and Deaq off to the side. Deaq drops his gun in the process. Billie ducks behind a pillar to reload. Jackson aims his gun at her. Billie has trouble getting the clip into her gun. Van nuts the dude holding Deaq, so Deaq escapes. He pulls a giant sword off the wall and uses it to chop off Jackson's gun hand. Awesome! Jackson contemplates his bloody stump for a minute and then pulls another gun out of his waistband, using his remaining hand. Van calls out to Billie and kicks Deaq's dropped gun over to her. She slides behind a couch and uses the gun to blow Jackson away. Deaq runs over and asks Billie if she's okay (she got shot in the arm) while Van makes sure Jackson is dead. Billie can only grunt. Deaq hugs her and she sobs into his chest.
Billie, Van, and Deaq walk into the Candy Store. Billie leads them into the safe room, and replaces their badges. I thought it would have been cool if they had also placed Alexa's badge in there, but I'm corny like that.
week: They don't even bother explaining the plot, and just promise that there will be "car chases" and "confrontations" before Van and Deaq "go after the bad guys." Those are direct quotes from the promo.