Van, wearing a wifebeater (which is the closest we get to Shirtless Facinelli), walks into an outdoor prison visitors' area. He passes several family reunions and then pauses to Robert Forster, who is wearing very cool sunglasses. Robert Forster totally should have played George Clooney's dad on ER. Anyway, Van says, "Hi." Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause some more. "Dad." Silence. Van says awkwardly that something bad happened a few days ago. Robert Forster says that he hasn't seen Van in seven years, so he didn't think Van was bringing cookies. Van sits down as the scene changes to...
...Billie. Candy Store. Three days ago. She asks Van and Deaq how close he and his dad are and then looks at some photos of their current mark. Van and Deaq explain that they are on the guy's payroll, and that they'll have him in three or four years. Billie explains that their mark is "the key to the Colombian pipeline." Deaq thinks that they have some information they can use, and then lets Van explain. Van says that "Little Mick" (their mark) is running his father's drug empire, and that his father owed $5 million to the Colombian coke dealers. Little Mick thinks that the debt should have died with his father, but the Colombians disagree. Van says that Little Mick plans to pay in counterfeit, and he whips out a stack of bills and plops them on Billie's desk.
Little Mick examines a counterfeit bill and tells some dude named Wags that there's something weird about the money. Van pipes up from the corner and says that the money is "crap." Little Mick (who looks a little like an older, blonder Brian Austin Green) asks why the bill he already paid for is crap. Van explains that the colors are wrong on one part of the bill, and that there are other mistakes. Little Mick says they should pay the counterfeiter a visit; Van is coming along.
Fade back to the prison. Van hems and haws, and his dad asks if it's about Van's mother. I would love to meet Van's mother. Van pauses again and then says that he was working on a case with Teddy McNair. Van's dad wonders if Van busted Teddy. Van says that's not it. What is this, fifty questions? Just tell him already.
Flashback. Van, Deaq, Little Mick, and a couple of goons arrive at a warehouse. Little Mick is wearing the shiniest, most godawful, ill-advised maroon pants ever. Little Mick orders Van and Deaq to stay by the car while he and his goons go inside; they'll call each other if there's a problem. Little Mick and his goons head in. Deaq and Van immediately start arguing about their role in the organization. Deaq thinks that since Van knows so much about counterfeiting, they should be higher up. Van doesn't want to answer questions about why he knows so much, and they move to secure any exits from the warehouse. Deaq points out that Van isn't usually one to stop talking, which is a nice bit of continuity from the episode. They round a corner and Van stops dead. After a moment, he runs up to a Woody with a surfboard and says that he knows the counterfeiter, Teddy McNair. Meanwhile, a gun goes off inside.
Back at the prison, Van's dad can't believe that Van badmouthed Teddy's work. Van explains that he didn't know it was Teddy's because he thought Teddy retired. Van's dad asks what happened .
Van runs toward the warehouse. Deaq is all, "What is going on?" which means, I guess, that he can't see the scenes in the prison like the rest of us can. Van tries to explain that this Teddy fellow was his father's partner and best friend. Van and Deaq run inside the warehouse, guns drawn. Van finds Iggy Pop (playing Teddy McNair) lying on the floor, bleeding from a gunshot wound to the chest. I guess Iggy no longer has a lust for life. Little Mick and his goons exit the warehouse and look around for Deaq and Van. I can't believe that anyone would commit a crime in those maroon pants. What eyewitness could forget them? Inside, Iggy gasps that he screwed up bad. Van presses his hand to the bullet wound and offers up television-action-show platitudes like, "You'll be okay!" and "Stay with me!" I guess Iggy has heard it all before, like the rest of us have, because he dies.
Back at the prison, Van's dad can't believe that Teddy is dead.
Little Mick and the goons run in and ask Van and Deaq what they are doing. Deaq says that they heard a shot. Little Mick says that there was an accident, and that it's not their problem. Van is still in shock, but Little Mick keeps yelling at them to follow him out, so he finally does. Little Mick stops Van and says that they're going to need a new moneyman.
Van's dad shakes his head and says that Van has delivered the news, so he can leave now. Van tells his father not to do that, because he loved Teddy too, and Teddy was more of a father to him than his real father. Maybe that explains Van's penchant for going topless -- Iggy Pop rarely wears a shirt either. Van's dad asks if Van just came there to dump on him about his childhood, and points out that his best friend is dead. Van says that he wants to get the guy who killed Teddy. Van's dad says, "Well, that's the difference between you and me. You wanna. I'm gonna." Van says that if his dad puts a hit on Little Mick, he'll spend the rest of his life in prison. They start scuffling. Van says that he can get Little Mick, but he needs his dad's help. The guards break up the fight, and Van adds that he's never asked his dad for anything before, but he's asking now. I've never seen a dude wear jeans as low cut as the ones Facinelli is sporting. I think they're women's jeans. Van's dad rushes him again and the guards hold him back. Van slicks back his hair and sighs, "That went well."
The theme song is sooooooooo bad.
Back at the prison (and I realize that every other paragraph starts with that phrase, but work with me here), Van talks to Billie on the phone while he signs a bunch of papers and delivers the exposition. Van explains that he's signing his father out of prison for five days. A buzzer...buzzes and Van's dad walks out, wearing a nice suit. He yells back to his fellow prisoners that he's going to "eat, drink, and get conjugal with [their] wives." Van's dad puts on a nice watch and picks up a wad of bills from a guard. Van asks if the money is real and his dad's like, "You tell me."
Van and his dad walk out; Van's dad slips some cash to the guard. And we finally learn that Van's dad's name is Raymond Ray, or Ray Ray. So Van's last name is actually "Ray"? I always figured he made that up. Van introduces his dad to Deaqon, who compliments Ray's suit. Ray Ray compliments Van and Deaq's car. Van pats his father down, to his father's (and Deaq's) embarrassment. Van thinks that his dad slipped the guard money in exchange for a gun. Ray points out that if he did have a gun, it wouldn't be anywhere that Van could find it. Van keeps looking and finally gives up in disgust. Ray asks for an apology. Van apologizes to Deaq for his father's behavior. Ray asks Deaq if he talks to his father that way. Well, I'm guessing Deaqon's dad isn't a career criminal. Anyway, Deaq says that his father would "slap the taste out of [his] mouth" if Deaq treated him the way Van is treating Ray. Ray says, "You hear that, Donny?" Deaq laughs at Van's real name, because it's like Donny Osmond. Ray explains that Van's full name is Donovan. Van gets into the car, annoyed, and asks Deaqon to shut up about it. Of course, Deaqon doesn't. Can you blame him? Van wants to figure out their move. Ray knows his move. Van guesses that he wants a hot dog from Tail Of the Pup, and Ray says he's right. Van tells Deaq it's not the first time he's picked his father up from jail.
The three men pull into the restaurant. The owner is psyched to see Ray Ray. Deaq asks Van if he became a cop to piss his father off. Van says he became a cop so that his father would never talk to him again. Meanwhile, Ray Ray slips the restaurant owner some green. Cut to the three men and Billie sitting at a table, eating. Billie says that Little Mick needs $5 million by Friday. Ray Ray will supply the money and the cops will trace the money with a radioactive invisible dye. Then they can follow the money right back to the Colombians. Ray Ray is amenable to that. Billie says that the family connection is making her uncomfortable, so she wants Ray to wear an ankle monitor. The restaurant owner calls Ray to let him know his food is ready. When Ray walks up to the counter, the owner passes him a gun along with his hot dog, which Ray pockets. He returns to the table and lays down the law for Billie (whom he unapologetically calls "honey"). Van manages to look like every teenager who is completely embarrassed by his parents. Ray explains that he worked for Big Mick, and he's heard his son is just as smart and twice as crazy. Ray refuses to wear the ankle monitor, in case he gets caught.
Little Mick hits some balls at a driving range. The dude Wags from the opening apologizes that things didn't work out with Iggy, but Iggy was one of Big Mick's go-to guys. Little Mick knows, and then says that he has a secret -- he's the one who killed his own father. Little Mick immediately uses his golf club to kneecap Wags and then celebrates as Wags rolls around on the ground. Little Mick then uses the golf club to bash in Wags's head.
Van tells Billie that his father will not get away from them, or Van promises to get even for his childhood. In the car (and away from Billie), Ray asks if they really take orders from that woman. Ray wants to know if there's anything going on between either of the guys and Billie. Van hands his gun to Deaq and asks him to beat him in the head until he gets amnesia.
Van goes to Little Mick and says that he has the solution to the money problem. Little Mick says he no longer has a problem and shows Van some new bills. Van checks out three bills and tries to figure out which one is the fake. After looking them over for a few minutes, Van picks one out, but he's wrong. Little Mick explains that his new counterfeiter does it all on computer and will have the order for $5 million completed four days ahead of schedule. Van points out that they got played before. Little Mick suggests that Van swing by the counterfeiter's place and check it out.
Van tells his dad that the computer whiz kid's name is Art Fowler. Ray's heard of him, but says that Fowler is new. Van asks if Fowler is better than Ray, and Ray says that Fowler isn't worse. Deaq suggests that they go visit Fowler and "teach him some old-school moves" like "straight-up shutdown." Half the time on this show, I have no idea what they are talking about. I think probably a quarter of the time, the writers don't even know what they are talking about but they figure with the flashy editing and fast cars, no one is really listening anyway.
The three men go to visit Art Fowler, who is totally psyched to see Ray Ray. Fowler apparently worships Ray Ray. After confirming that Fowler is doing a run for Little Mick. Ray says that he doesn't even know what one thing in the room is, as he looks around at a bunch of monitors. Fowler wonders if Ray is interested in learning. Van pulls out his gun and says that Ray's not interested. Deaq pulls out his gun as well. Van starts shooting the monitors and Fowler freaks out. Yeah, not the monitors! Because God knows that you store all of your data in your monitors. I mean, they were big and flat screen and all, but wouldn't it have made more sense to shoot out the CPUs? Fowler pulls a gun on Van, and Ray pulls a gun on Fowler. Ray says he's doing the kid a favor. Fowler is worried about what Little Mick will do. Ray tells Fowler to get out of the country. Cut to Fowler peeling out of the driveway. Deaq tells Ray that was a smooth move. Van just wants to know where Ray got the gun. Ray tells the truth. Van wants the gun, but Ray refuses to give it up. They point their guns at each other as we go to commercial.
After the break, Van and Ray are still pointing their guns at each other. Actually, instead of pointing their guns at each other's bodies, they're pointing their guns at each other's guns, like what are they going to do, shoot each other in the gun? I can just see Van being wheeled into the ER: "We've got a GSW to the gun. Wait. The hell?" Van and Ray threaten each other a bit until Deaq steps in between them. Deaq tells Ray that he knows fathers hate to hear this, but Ray's son is right. Ray gives up his gun. Deaq takes it and hands it to Van, saying, "Here's your daddy's gun." I don't even want to think of the Freudian implications there. Especially since Van then tucks the gun into his pants.
Ray takes the boys to his moneymaking factory. He walks around uncovering equipment and says that he hopes it still works. Deaq asks how much money Ray put on the streets, and Ray says that he had good years and bad. Van wanders over to a bulletin board and finds a picture of himself as a child with his father and a cartoonish-looking $10,000 bill that Van must have drawn as a kid. Van says he's going to head over to Little Mick's and tell him that they lost another counterfeiter. Deaq wants to be the one to go. Van and Deaq argue a little over who should go. Deaq wins, and tells Ray not to start any trouble. Van asks if this is Deaq's idea of being subtle. Deaq tells Van to be nice to his dad in a demonstration of subtlety that was not at all subtle and I don't think the writers understand what the word "subtle" means.
Deaq tells Little Mick about the shootout at Fowler's house, but acts as if they came in after it was all over. Deaq reads a note they found to Little Mick from Ray. Little Mick is now wearing a red and black splattered shirt and pleated black pants, the likes of which I haven't seen since Chess King went out of business. Little Mick tells Deaq that Ray and Iggy were partners. Little Mick throws a little fit because he needs the money for the Colombians in four days, and once again, he's without a counterfeiter. Little Mick orders Deaq to go and find Ray.
Van and Ray go through some old boxes at Ray's office. Ray hands Van a bill; Van checks it out and finds a flaw, and then hands it back. Ray says that there's a run of hundred-dollar bills that aren't bad. Van pulls out a jar of coins and says that he forgot all about them. Ray says he was the only counterfeiter in the world that bothered with coins. Van remembers that Ray gave him a bunch to test, and his mom got mad. Ray remembers getting a bunch of coins thrown at his head by his wife. Van says that he was never more popular than the summer he had a trunkful of coins. I think he would have been more popular if he had a trunkful of hundred-dollar bills, but maybe that's just me. Of course, the first time I saw this scene, I thought Van was talking about a car trunk full of coins, and I was wondering why he was happy with coins instead of bills if he was old enough to drive, and then I realized that he probably meant like a steamer trunk, and then I realized that I just put way too much thought into a show that doesn't exactly reward intellectual pursuit. Ray asks why Van stopped taking the coins, because Ray made them for him. Van doesn't know, and then says that he had enough lies to keep straight, like where his father worked and why he was gone all the time. Ray says that Van's mom wanted things a certain way. Van gives up on the conversation. Ray hands him a bill to check. Van looks at it and tries to find a flaw, but can't. Ray says that McNair made the bills nine years ago, and he still has the plates. All they have to do is change the serial numbers, and they can sell Little Mick money that McNair made. Ray says that McNair's eyes were shot and he should have retired. Ray offered to set him up with a surf shop. Ray adds, "He always thought a lot of you, Donny." Van says emotionally that he always thought a lot of McNair, but McNair never called him "Donny."
Deaq, Van, and Ray drive to a meeting with Little Mick at a strip club. On the way, Van tells Ray that he has to kiss Little Mick's ass, be apologetic about Fowler, and be forgiving about McNair. Van says that the most important thing is that he and Deaq work for Little Mick, and Ray has to act like he doesn't know them. Ray tells them to lighten up, because he's a pro.
Little Mick sits at a table for one and castigates his goons (including Van and Deaq) for not being able to find a new counterfeiter. Little Mick vows that if he finds out one exists that they couldn't find, he'll kill one of his goons to set an example. Ray Ray walks in. Robert Forster is seriously the coolest. He approaches Little Mick and shakes hands. Ray reveals how much he knows about Little Mick's desperate situation and then pulls a knife off the table and stabs it into Little Mick's groin. I'm not sure exactly what's going on there. There's no blood, so I assume Ray didn't make contact, but I assume he's close enough that Little Mick is scared. All of Little Mick's goons pull out their guns, Van and Deaq doing so about a minute after everyone else. At Ray's request, Little Mick orders his goons to stand down. Ray wants Little Mick to beg for his forgiveness, and after a few more thrusts of the knife, gets his way. Ray says that Little Mick will pay him $500,000, plus the $250,000 that he owed McNair. Ray removes the knife and says he's going to walk out of there slow and safe. As he stands to leave, Ray adds that "these two pretty boys" work for him. Little Mick stands up and flips his table over, then pulls out a gun. Before he can shoot at Ray, Van shoots the gun out of Little Mick's hand. Deaq suddenly has two guns, and again, I'm not going to think of the Freudian implications there. Ray leans in towards Little Mick and says, "Welcome to my game, junior." Ray pulls out some bills and tucks them into Little Mick's pocket, explaining that they are a sample of his work. Deaqon orders Little Mick's goons to put their guns down.
Van pulls the car into a parking lot and gets out, slamming the door. You can tell by the way he's walking that we're about to see a patented Facinelli Fit. And the owner of that patent is, of course, Tom Cruise. Van orders Ray out of the car, and Ray grouchily complies. Deaq also gets out. Van starts yelling that he's an idiot for thinking that Ray would do anything but work his own angle. Van says that Ray's stunt got them "nothing, zero, nothing!" Deaq agrees that they got nothing. What I want to know is, how much do they have? Something? Oh, nothing. Ray says that they got respect. Van points out that Ray got respect, and that it had nothing to do with the case. Ray disagrees. Van reminds Ray that he's a cop. Ray reminds Van that he got McNair killed. Father and son are toe-to-toe, and Van says, "Let's go." Van takes his coat off as Ray asks if Van is serious. The two men prepare to fight. Ray talks about how he never laid a hand on Van when he was a kid, because Van was too soft and a sharp look could make him cry. Before Ray can give out any more details, Van punches him in the face. Deaq laughs. Ray pretends like he's bent over in pain, and Van walks over to apologize. So Ray decks Van in the face. Deaq can't believe that Van fell for that. Deaq tells the men that he wants a clean fight. A few more punches are exchanged with total Batman sound effects that practically say "Biff!" and "Bam!"
Before the fight can go on too long, Ray's phone rings. It's Little Mick, who wants to hire Ray for the $5 million by Friday. Ray agrees. Little Mick wonders how Ray turned his two men, and Ray says that it's a "family secret." Little Mick hangs up and tells his goons that he'll pay real money to anyone who finds Ray's shop. Little Mick chews some more scenery with this gem: "First I want his work. Then, I want his ass." On the other end, Ray starts telling Van that the deal is totally set up just the way they want it, and Van disagrees. Deaq breaks it up yet again, and they decide to get to work.
At Ray's shop, Ray shows Deaq how to change the serial numbers on the plates used to print the money. Van opens a drawer to get some paper and discovers that all of the paper is rotted. Deaq doesn't see what the big deal is. Van says that it was stolen U.S. Treasury paper. Deaq chuckles and says that Van needs to let Deaq get his back once in a while.
Billie and Aquarius walk through a parking lot filled with tractor-trailers. Aquarius totally hits on Billie, who appears to be amused by the whole thing. Aquarius tells Billie that her voice is "honey and smoke." Billie gets back to business. Aquarius points to a trailer filled with Palm Pilots, one filled with Manolo Blahniks, and finally opens one filled with U.S. Treasury paper. Aquarius asks about his payment. Van pulls up in a car that I don't know but which is probably a BMW or some such. Aquarius hits on Billie some more and leaves. Billie asks Van about the deal where his father's to him at all times. Van asks Billie not to bust his butt, except the captioning said "bust [his] balls," and I giggled, because I'm four. Billie offers Van some food and Van accepts.
At the Candy Store, Billie brings Van a tray of food. Van can't believe that Billie cooks, and Billie says she doesn't do it often. Billie asks Van how he's doing. Van's not sure, but adds that he wants to kill his father, help him, forgive him, and forget him. Van goes on to say that his father has no idea how ashamed Van is, and Van has no idea why he cares that his father is disappointed in him as a son. Billie asks Van why he always gets so close to the mark, and then answers her own question by saying that every mark is Ray to Van. Billie concludes that the problem isn't that Van hates his dad; it's that he doesn't hate his dad at all. Van asks if now he's supposed to get therapy and quit his job. Billie tells him to eat, and walks out. Van calls out, "Wait'll you meet my mom!" I would like to meet Van's mom. I'm going to try to think of good casting for that role. ["Cathy Moriarty." -- Wing Chun]
Ray checks out the paper Aquarius got for them. Van asks if they have time to produce the money. Ray says that they barely do, and only if all three of them work on it.
The Colombians arrive and meet with Little Mick, who is scared shitless. The head Colombian gives his phone number at the Four Seasons and tells Little Mick to contact him by 3:30 the day to make a drop. The Colombians leave, and Little Mick shouts, "Where is Ray Ray?" Who is he talking to? The Colombians would totally have heard that, by the way. Although I guess they don't know Ray Ray, so it wouldn't matter.
At Ray's shop, the three men work to print the money. I think I'm going to become a counterfeiter. Just kidding. Not really. No, I'm kidding. Except not. Mom, I swear, I'm not going to become a counterfeiter. For long. Ray and Van check out the finished product. Ray wishes they had a little more time. Van says that they don't. He checks for the invisible dye with a special light and says that it's fine, and that they need to pack up the money.
The money is packed into a briefcase. Van handcuffs Ray to a piece of equipment. Ray thinks that they're joking. Van tells Ray that he did his job, and now Van's going to do his. Ray hollers after them that they're going to screw this up. Once they get outside, Deaq reminds Van that he didn't talk to his brother for nine years, and then his brother died, and that Deaq is willing to listen if Van wants to share something from the heart. Van silently gets in the car and slams the door. Deaq joins him.
Billie gives us the lowdown on what's supposed to happen. They're supposed to meet with Little Mick's goons on a rooftop, and Billie and a squad will be below them. Billie and her squad will follow the radioactive pulse from the money until Little Mick meets with the Colombians. That was a weird bit of exposition. I guess they felt like it had been a while since they mentioned the whole radioactive-dye thing, so they just wanted to clear that up. Van and Deaq walk across the rooftop, carrying briefcases full of money. The briefcases don't seem nearly large enough to me, but then again, I've never tried to pack a briefcase with $5 million. Mick's goon explains that Mick is meeting with the Colombians, and will be by shortly. Deaq and Van pop open their briefcases to show off the money. The goon pops open his. Van checks the payment to be sure it's real. It is. Below, Billie starts tracing the signal from the money. The goon checks Ray's money and pronounces it acceptable. He dials a cell phone and informs Little Mick that it's a go. Little Mick growls, "Perfect," and hangs up. Then he walks over a bit to reveal that he's at Ray's shop, where Ray is still handcuffed to the equipment. Ray claims he's not scared. Little Mick says that there were plenty of people willing to give up Ray's location for a little cash. Little Mick spots a golf bag in the corner and pulls out a driver. Uh oh.
Little Mick fondles the driver and talks creepily about great it feels to hit something as hard as you can. Back at the rooftop, the goon says that the deal is done. Van asks where Little Mick is. The goon says it doesn't matter because the money is there. Deaq and Van both draw their weapons. Van pistol-whips Goon #2. Cool! You hardly ever see a good pistol-whipping nowadays. Van asks again where Little Mick is. The goon won't answer, so Van shoots at his feet. This happens a few more times until the goon is backed up to the edge of the roof. The goon finally says that Little Mick is with "the old guy, the counterfeiter." Van still nearly pushes the goon off the roof, but Deaq saves him.
Little Mick describes to Ray how Wags's head nearly exploded when he beat him with the golf club. Little Mick thinks he can do better. He swings and hits Ray in the midsection, but you could totally see the actor pulling the punch at the last second. Billie and her squad start tracking the money (which we know that Van and Deaq still have) and are surprised to learn that the money is on the road and moving already. Van and Deaq speed to Ray's shop. Little Mick is still taunting and beating Ray. Van? Still driving. Ray? Still not giving in to Little Mick at all. Little Mick? Still chewing the scenery.
Van and Deaq show up at the last minute and keep Little Mick from killing Ray. Billie has figured the whole thing out by now and heads to Ray's shop. Van uncuffs his father and hands him a gun. Little Mick asks if the money is still there, and Van and Deaq confirm that it is. Little Mick wants to go ahead with the deal, then. Van dumps the counterfeit money into a shredder. Little Mick realizes that he's in big trouble with the Colombians and freaks out. They let him go. As he tears out of there, Deaq advises him to go to Canada.
Van, Ray, and Deaq walk out of Ray's shop. Van takes his gun back. Billie pulls up and asks what the hell happened. Van says that the deal didn't take, and points out which direction Little Mick went. Deaq adds that they might be able to make a Colombian murder case.
Later, at the Candy Store, Deaq asks if they ever found Little Mick. Billie says they found his foot, still in his shoe, and that was it. Later, they found three Colombian nationals covered in Little Mick's DNA, trying to cross the border into Canada. Deaq makes a dumb Canada joke that I won't repeat here out of respect for my boss. ["Thanks, eh. Oh my god, sorry. I'm worse than this crappy show's crappy writers." -- Wing Chun]
Billie, Deaq, and Van return Ray to prison. The guard welcomes Ray back. Ray introduces his son, and he calls him "Van" instead of "Donny." He also brags about how great Van is at his job, without revealing what the job is. Van tells his dad he might come see him sometime. Ray tells Van that he always liked that Van was his own man. Ray reconsiders and says, "I love that about you." Ray walks back in and hollers out to all the prisoners that all of their wives are fully satisfied. Van smirks.
week: A mask-wearing woman kills some people. ["I guess now we know which show is going to fill the gap left by Birds of Prey's cancellation." -- Wing Chun] Van gets involved with her and she wants him to kill Deaq. Yeah, like that's gonna happen. Sheesh.