People wait to get into a club. A truck (is it a Humvee? It's weird-looking) pulls up to the curb, and two guys get out. There are a lot of stutter cuts in this scene, which are very distracting. The two guys walk up to the bouncer, who is the littlest bouncer ever. The two guys claim to be on the list, but the bouncer isn't buying it. When told to check the list again, the bouncer leans closer and, in the worst Cockney accent ever, asks what he smells, sniffs, and then says, "Desperation?" One of the guys clocks the bouncer in the head and the two guys walk into the club. And yet no one in line makes a move to get in, and there are no other employees of the club nearby to help the bouncer out.
The two guys walk inside and look through the club. Cut to Deaq and Van sitting in a booth with Aquarius, who apparently owns the club. Deaq tells Aquarius that the ladies in the club are "off the hizzee." Aquarius goes on a riff about how fine the women are in his club. Van toasts Aquarius and his club. A guy who looks like a cross between Dennis Quaid and Jeremy Irons walks up and says that he has a bone to pick with Aquarius, and then announces that he's been partied into the ground. They all laugh, and Aquarius introduces the guy to Van and Deaq as Gavin West. Aquarius apologizes that their "thing" couldn't work out, and Gavin says that it's not a problem. Gavin says that the club will be around for a long time to come, and leaves. Aquarius calls Gavin a "punk-ass busta" once he's gone.
Cut to the Candy Store, six hours earlier. Billie quizzes Van and Deaq on their case. They're after Gavin West because he manufactures Ecstasy. Van gets frustrated with the question-and-answer period, and stands up for some exposition. He says that Gavin moves his drugs through all the hot clubs in L.A., he's been arrested seventeen times but never gone to jail, and they still don't know where Gavin's manufacturing lab is. Billie sharply orders Van to sit down, which he does with a sigh. Billie wants Deaq to use his connection with Aquarius. She thinks that Gavin must have approached Aquarius about selling drugs in his club, and she wants Van and Deaq to position themselves as middlemen. Deaq protests that Aquarius is like family, and that he likes to keep his family out of his business as much as possible. Except when it's his ex-girlfriend. Actually, I saw that this episode is airing out of order, and was originally supposed to air before the ex-girlfriend one, so maybe that was foreshadowing or something. Billie says she just doesn't care about Deaq's problems.
Back at the club, Aquarius tells the boys the score, and that he's not a drug pusher. Deaq says that Gavin takes refection pretty well as they watch Gavin walk out. Gavin walks up to the two guys who clocked the bouncer and orders, "Do him." Maybe he should have been more specific there, because I just got a scary mental image. Suddenly, there are three guys (who I'm just going to call Gavin's Boys), so maybe I just wasn't paying close enough attention earlier. I was distracted by the bad Cockney accent. Two of them reach into their coats for their guns. Aquarius tells Van and Deaq that no one should mess with him. Van notices a laser sight on his hand, and looks to find the source. He sees one of Gavin's Boys pointing a gun right at Aquarius's head. The camera goes down the barrel of the gun and then follows the bullet across the room. Which would be super-cool if I hadn't seen it, like, two years ago in that Korn video. I mean, it's still cool, but it's hardly original. Van pushes Aquarius down, and the bullet hits some bottles on the ledge behind them. The club patrons start freaking out and stampeding out the door, which helps to keep them from getting any closer to Van, Deaq, and Aquarius, who are scurrying off behind the bar. The song in the background states, "The revolution will be televised," which seems kind of played-out as far as themes go. Deaq tells Van that there are three shooters. Van pops up over the bar. One of Gavin's boys shoots and takes out some random dude. Van and Deaqon jump out from behind the bar. There's all kinds of shooting in both slow and regular motion. I'm no puritan, but I can't believe how much violence there is this week. Not to mention the John Woo-style gun-fetish crap featured when Deaq hopped out with two huge guns with extremely long barrels. Van manages to shoot one of Gavin's Boys. Outside, patrons run down the street, and then Gavin walks by with a smile on his face. And...credits. The show's theme song is really terrible. Like almost as bad as the theme song from the last season of Road Rules.
Candy Store. Billie toys with a cigarette while she tries to figure out why Van and Deaq have nothing to show for their gunfight with Gavin's Boys. Van gives the excuse that there were bystanders. Didn't seem to stop them from shooting while jumping over bars and such, from what I saw. Deaq says that Aquarius is going to shut down his club for a while. They promised Aquarius that the case would end right. Billie asks how they plan on doing that. Van and Deaq have an idea: they want to open their own nightclub and hope that Gavin approaches them about selling drugs there. Billie thinks for a minute, and then says that she loves it, because "if it works, Gavin goes down for drugs, not some trumped-up, money-laundering, tax-evasion charge." She tells Van and Deaq to make it happen, and to spend whatever they need to in order to do it right. Van and Deaq are happy and also surprised that Billie agreed so readily; they start to walk out. Billie calls them back and says that she wants to make it clear that this isn't just an excuse for them to score free drinks and hot women. She explains that she wants Gavin to go down, and that if they screw it up, they will be replaced. Billie puts the cigarette to her mouth and lights it. Van whispers to Deaq, "She just lit up." Deaq agrees, "If she lit up, we better nut up." I can see where this episode would have made a lot more sense if it had come right after the one where Billie said that quitting smoking was harder than kicking heroin and all that, instead of, like, two months later.
Van and Deaq discuss all of the features their club needs to have, while we see the club being assembled via split screen. Van says they need a huge DJ for their opening as we see Biz Markie walk in, and some onscreen text informs us that he charges $50,000 a night. Damn! And I realize that Biz Markie has a successful career and all, but I think I'm with probably 80% of the audience who only things of him singing "Just A Friend." Deaq says that they need "a pimpy doorguy," as we see one walk into the club, and the text informs us that he charges $5,000 a night. Van says that they will offer bottle service instead of drinks by the glass, and the onscreen text informs us that handmade Swedish vodka costs $450 per bottle. Deaq concludes that there is one more thing they need to be successful: we see some scantily clad women walk into the club, and the onscreen text informs us that "Hotties behind the bar" are "priceless." A lot of setup there for a joke that would have been funny about a year ago.
Van runs down some stairs into the club and yells out that they should name the club "Rocky III." Deaq thinks it's a terrible idea. If they want to go with the Rocky theme, they should call it "Clubber Lang." Get it? Clubber? Anyway. Deaq reveals that Van's other suggestions for club names were "Glengarry Glen Ross" and "Original Kings of Comedy." Does he understand that they are naming a club and not just listing their favorite movies here? Because those are all terrible. Deaq agrees with me. Van asks if Deaq has any suggestions. Deaq wants to call it "Ryde." Van doesn't seem impressed. Deaq uses the name in a bunch of sentences to show Van how it could work. Billie walks in, lit cigarette in hand, and tells the boys that it's time to get back to work. She wants them to meet up with Gavin and officially invite him to the club. She says that Gavin gets a massage every Tuesday, and she wants them to join him; she says that they need to be convincing because Gavin can sense liars. Deaq asks what's up with "the full-on Clarice Starling report" and asks how she knows so much about Gavin. Billie says that unlike the boys, she does her research. I'm totally distracted by the way that Tiffani Thiessen holds her cigarette. I can't pinpoint exactly what's wrong with it, but it looks weird. Billie walks off, and Van asks what's up with her. Van says he's getting sick of the way Billie keeps yelling at them. Deaq says that "obviously this Gavin guy has got her creased," but he doesn't know why.
Van and Deaq go to the fancy spa where Gavin gets his massage. An employee hands them towels and slippers, and explains that they have to wear them at all times. Deaq protests that wearing someone else's slippers is "unsanitary" and "nasty." The employee assures him that the slippers are steam-cleaned after each use. Deaq continues to protest. Van spots Gavin and says that they need to get going, but the employee refuses to let them in without the slippers. Deaqon spins a long tale about a friend of his who got athlete's foot, which turned to gangrene, and he had to get the leg amputated. Yeah, I don't know what that scene was all about either. The end result is that Deaq doesn't wear the slippers. But which is more likely to give you athlete's foot -- the steam-cleaned slippers, or the probably not cleaned as often tile floor? I ask you.
Whoop! Whoop! Shirtless Facinelli alert! Wearing only a towel, Van walks into the room where Gavin is getting his massage. Van gets the masseuse to leave, and they greet Gavin, explaining that they're the ones who shot at his boys at Aquarius's club. Gavin denies any involvement with that. Van says that they're opening their own club, and that he had better not shoot the place up. Gavin once again denies knowing anything. Deaq says that if he wants to talk about "moving party favors" at their club, they're ready to talk. The boys warn Gavin that he needs to know that he can't cross the line. What line? I don't know. It's hard to take them seriously when they're only wearing towels.
Gavin shows up at Ryde, bypasses the line of people waiting, and tells the bouncer that he's on the owners' list. The bouncer denies him entry. Van stumbles out the door and greets Gavin, who explains that the bouncer won't let him in. Van says that too many chicks showed up. Gavin can't believe that they personally invited him and then won't let him in. Van blames the fire code. Biz Markie walks out and talks about how many people are inside. That's when I knew the club was actually empty. Van tells Gavin to come back week, and they'll set him up with some free drinks. Van walks inside and, of course, the club is totally empty. Deaqon asks if their ruse worked, and Van says that Gavin was "salivating." Biz Markie says something that I can't really understand because he mumbles a lot, and then proclaims that in about two or three weeks, the club will be crazy.
Cut to two weeks later, when the club is crazy. Biz Markie must have had it in his contract that there had to be a certain amount of footage of him serving as DJ, because that's the only way to explain how long they show him standing behind the turntable. Van makes out with some blonde in the bathroom. She wants to thank him for letting her into his club. Deaqon walks up and says that Van is supposed to be working, and explains that Gavin just walked in. Van extricates himself from the blonde.
Van and Deaq meet with Gavin in the VIP room. Gavin compliments them on the job they've done with the place. Deaq says that the only thing missing is "party favors," and Van says that they were hoping Gavin could help them out in that area. Gavin pretends he doesn't know what they're talking about. Deaq spells it out for him, saying that they want "rolls." Van says that if Gavin doesn't want in, they have a lot of other people who want in. Gavin asks why they keep insinuating that he's some sort of drug dealer, when actually he comes from a rich family.
Candy Store. Van complains that they've done everything that they're supposed to, and Gavin still won't hook them up. Billie says that everything is going according to plan. Deaq asks, "What plan, Billie? Whose plan?" Billie says that she'll bring them up to speed later, but that she's got a meeting with Gavin right now. Van and Deaq are all, "Whoa, time out!" Billie says that Gavin is smart, and that Deaq and Van are unknown quantities, so he won't do business with them unless he feels protected. Deaq asks if Billie is going to offer Gavin protection. Billie says that she'll meet with Gavin, posing as a dirty cop on the club's payroll, and assure him that the LAPD won't get involved. Isn't that entrapment? I'm no legal eagle, but that seems like entrapment. Van realizes that this was Billie's plan all along. Billie confirms it. Van is pissed that Billie didn't tell them before, but Billie says that they're on a need-to-know basis, and they have to deal with it. Van says that he's been trying to take the high road, "but it's finally official -- [she's] a bitch!" Billie pulls out her badge and asks Van if he sees the gold on it. She concludes, "This gold? Means you're my bitch!" Oh, Tiffani. The anger just isn't working for you. It might help if her name wasn't Tiffani. Billie walks out.
Billie gets in her car and sighs deeply. In split screen, we see Van jimmying open Billie's briefcase. Deaq wonders what he's doing, and Van says that he wants some answers. Deaq doesn't think Van should sneak around like that. Good thing we've got the split screen on Billie so that we can see her do absolutely nothing. Van gets the briefcase open and finds a folder on Gavin West. Deaq keeps telling Van not to do it, and finally grabs the folder away from him. Van starts chasing Deaq around the Candy Store to get the folder back. A big guy walks in and stares them down. He introduces himself as Captain Parish, and asks where Billie went. Deaqon says that Billie's in a meeting, and that they don't know with whom. Parish calls them over; he says that he's worried about Billie and wants the two of them to keep an eye on her and report to him. Deaq doesn't want to spy on his boss. Parish says that he's Billie's boss, and that she's getting into "dangerous territory." Van asks if Parish will give them the whole story. Parish scowls some more and then says that the story has to stay in that room. Parish explains that, three years ago, they started a case on Gavin, only at that time he was dealing heroin. They sent Billie in to pose as a junkie cop, and she did well, but a couple of weeks in she was put in a position where she had to either shoot up or blow her case. She shot up and got hooked and became a junkie.
Billie walks into a restaurant and sits down at a table with Gavin. This whole scene is interspersed with shots of someone cooking up heroin and then drawing it into a syringe. Gavin tells Billie that she looks amazing, and she says that he still knows how to charm the ladies. Gavin calls Billie his "favorite dirty little cop." Billie reminds him of their trip to Mexico, when they stayed in bed for eleven straight days. Didn't they get bedsores or something? That's a long time to stay in bed. Back at the Candy Store, Parish explains that he pulled Billie out of the case, and covered for her with the higher-ups while she kicked the habit. Billie tells Gavin that she's there on business, because the boys at Ryde need his inventory. Parish says that Gavin knows that Billie kicked, but still thinks she's a dirty cop. Billie tells Gavin that someone is going to make a lot of money at Ryde, so she thought she'd give him first crack at it. Gavin says that he loves "the thought of dancing with [her] again." That's awful, awful dialogue. This show takes itself way too seriously. It could be a much better show if it was a bit more self-aware. Gavin slips Billie an envelope of heroin and says, "Welcome home, Billie." Billie takes it and looks uncomfortable. I thought he could really tell when someone was lying? I guess we're supposed to think that Billie's a great liar or something.
Van and Deaq shoot hoops at the Candy Store. Deaq talks about how freaky the story is that Parish just told them, as well as the idea that they have to spy on their boss. Van points out that Billie told them that she was hooked on heroin once, but Deaq thought she was just kidding. Deaq thinks that Billie set up the whole Candy Store thing just so that she could bust Gavin one day, because "he's her reaper." Van's all, "'Reaper'?" Deaq explains that your reaper is "the jack who beat you, and before he beat you, he stole a piece of your happiness." Deaq wonders how far Billie is willing to go to get Gavin. Billie walks in and tells the boys that they're meeting with Gavin tomorrow at the club at 8:30. The boys keep asking if the meeting was okay, and if Billie is okay, until she gets suspicious. They shrug it off. Billie walks off and then examines the baggie of heroin.
Deaq and Van meet with Gavin, who lays out his proposal for selling drugs in their club. They ask him about quality control, and he hands them two tablets and tells them to have a nice trip. Deaq says that he doesn't do drugs, and Van says that he does, but only if he knows the drugs are clean. They want to see his factory. Gavin says that's an unusual request. Deaq spins a tale about how they owned a club in Chicago, and sold some bad drugs, so the whole club went under. Van yells over his story, complaining that he doesn't want to talk about Chicago, and eventually to placate him, Deaq says that the meeting is over. Gavin asks if they are up for a two-hour drive.
Gavin's car pulls up to a building. He gets out and opens the trunk, letting a blindfolded Van and Deaq out. I'm really surprised that they didn't go for the fart joke, since Van's ass was right against Deaq's head, and as we saw in the pilot, Van has a habit of farting in his partner's face. Gavin leads them toward the door. Van stops because he hears some bum singing a Velvet Underground song, and then Gavin leads them inside, telling them, "Welcome to the Candy Store." Gavin gives them the grand tour. At one point, they run into Gavin's Boys from the club. Gavin refers to them as his dogs, and he orders them to take a lap around the building. Deaq whips out a little kit to test the purity of the drugs. Luckily, the vials are helpfully labeled "Professional Ecstasy Test." Hee! The drugs check out; Van says that the deal is on, and asks when they ship. Gavin shows them how he ships the pills in false-bottomed bottles, and then explains that the first shipment arrived at their club an hour ago.
Van and Deaq go back to the club. Van chuckles that they got played. Deaq agrees that they saw the inside of Gavin's lab, but they have no idea where it is. They need a dude like Marshall on Alias to make them gadgets like a little GPS unit that would tell them exactly where they were in situations like that. Deaq adds that they are sitting on 7,000 hits of Ecstasy, but have no trace of the transaction, and they owe Gavin a lot of money that they don't have.
Candy Store. Billie smokes and yells at the boys for spending endless energy and resources on the case, and having nothing to show for it. Van asks why she's yelling at them, since they all agree that it sucks. Van thinks they should check out Gavin's books and go after him that way. Billie insists that Gavin has to go down for drugs. Van says that Gavin is too smart. Billie thinks that Gavin will slip. Van asks when and how that will happen, and wonders sarcastically if she can't use her gold shield to close the case. Van's a little snot. She should deck him. Billie tells Van that he has to work with her instead of against her. Except Tiffani messes up her hand gestures so it kind of looks like the opposite. Van reminds her that he works for her, but that she has to see how Gavin moves. Billie says that she's seen it. Van says, "Well, maybe your vision was blurred by the smack juice." D'oh! Billie's all, "What?" Deaq tries to intervene and explain that just because Gavin dealt her drugs doesn't mean that he has to go to jail for that. Billie asks how they found out. Van says that they did their research. Deaq tells her to put her cigarette out and get her mind right so they can come up with another way to get Gavin. Billie does put out her cigarette, but then says that they should forget Gavin and let it go. Van thinks they can still get him. Billie's all, "You win some, you lose some," and she walks off. Deaq shoots Van a look, and Van apologizes for bringing up the drug use. Deaq points out that Billie was acting really calm and detached, and he thinks it means that they have problems. Meanwhile, Billie loads and cocks her gun. Which seems like it should be a euphemism for something, but that's really what she did.
Van and Deaq sit in a car outside Billie's apartment building, on a stakeout. Van can't sit still as he explains that they've been there ten hours. Deaq complains that they've been in the car ten hours and Van hasn't shut up once. Van isn't comfortable spying on Billie for Parish. Deaq says they're doing it because Billie is family. Van spins a little tale about how it's like spying on your mom for your dad, and seeing something you shouldn't, and blah blah blah. I mean, Facinelli makes it funny, but it's all in the delivery, so you don't need to know the whole story. Deaq forbids Van to talk for ten minutes, which Van says will be easy. Predictably, Van can't make it one minute without talking. Van says he can't believe Billie lives in an apartment. Deaq spots Billie's SUV pulling out and follows her. You'd think that if they knew they were going to tail her, they would have taken a car that wasn't purple.
Deaq and Van see Billie stop to pick up Gavin. Van asks if he should call Parish. Deaq says that Van should if he had a phone, and tosses Van's phone out the car window. Um, doesn't that phone probably have like a lot of secret police phone numbers and such on speed dial? Couldn't Deaq just have stuck it in his pocket or something? They follow Billie and Gavin. Gavin and Billie flirt grossly. Gavin says that he's "a manipulative little mammal," and no one talks like that. Billie says that she is too, and then she does a 180 for no apparent reason. Gavin asks what she's doing. Billie admits that she's not a crooked cop, and never has been, and that the club owners are going to testify against him. Billie adds that she's been playing him for three years, and now it's over because she's got a dream case against him. Gavin pulls a gun out and holds it to Billie's neck. Deaq and Van are still following. Billie tells Gavin that pulling a gun on an officer will get him twenty-five to life. Gavin says that no one will ever know, even if he kills her. Billie spots a light ahead about to go red, and floors it. As they head through the intersection, a couple of traffic surveillance cameras snap pictures of them. Okay, that was a pretty good plot twist. Billie explains what she just did to Gavin, and says that she's got him. She pushes his hand away and the car goes into a park where she almost takes out two women pushing strollers. The truck eventually slams into a cement picnic table and stops.
Billie hops out of the car. Van and Deaq start to run over to her, but Gavin is already there, and he clocks her. Billie slides her watch down to her hand and then punches Gavin, and he falls to the ground. She stands over him and he thanks her because he loves the idea of going to trial. More flashes of the heroin cooking up. Billie grabs a gun out of her car and says, "What trial? This is self-defense." Deaq and Van approach slowly. Deaq tells Billie not to do it, because there's another way. He tells her to use his gun because it will "tear his whole brain out." Van tells them to wait, and then says that he should kill Gavin, because he'll do it slower. Wouldn't anyone else in the park be watching this little Mexican standoff? Billie looks at Deaq and Van. Deaq suggests that they all kill him at once. Billie seems to snap out of it. She picks up her cigarettes from the ground (Hee! They're Morley Lights, instead of Marlboro Lights) and throws them in Gavin's face, saying she doesn't need them anymore, but he will, when he's in prison.
Billie and Parish walk into the Candy Store. Billie thanks Parish for helping her three years ago. Parish admits that he told Van and Deaq about her background with Gavin. Billie says she knew he told them to spy on her, but Parish denies it and walks out. Van and Deaq walk up to Billie. Deaq asks if Gavin is the reason that Billie created the Candy Store. Billie says that worse motives exist. Van asks if, now that Gavin has been arrested, they're out of a job. Billie tosses the packet of heroin that Gavin gave her to Van and tells him to put it in the kitty. She adds that she's done their job, but that she didn't do it as well as they do, because she didn't get the job done. Billie thanks them for staying strong and clear, and says she owes them for taking Gavin. Billie starts to say something to Van alone, but he interrupts her to say that they both said some harsh things, and that they should just move on. Billie interrupts him to tell him that he has a chive in his tooth. Deaqon cracks up and says that he was going to tell him.
Van and Deaq sit in their club looking depressed. The blonde that Van was making out with earlier walks up and asks if he's ready for his present. Van says that he wishes, but that they just sold the club. The blonde asks whom they sold it to, and Aquarius pops into the booth. The blonde starts kissing Aquarius.
Van and Deaq walk out of the club. Van says the thing that upsets him most is that they never found Gavin's lab. Van and Deaq hear someone singing in an alley nearby, so they go to investigate. It's the same bum from before, except he's singing "Waiting For the Man" by the Velvet Underground. Which is important, see, because the song is about waiting for your heroin dealer to show up so you can get your fix. Anyway, Van and Deaq realize that Gavin's factory is right there, and that he just drove around town with them in the trunk for two hours to make them think the factory was far away. They bust down the door, guns drawn.
week: Van's dad comes to visit. Hey, it's Robert Forster! I'm actually looking forward to that.