As the show opens, Billie reminds us that Van and Deaqon are living a live of crime, and that they aren't allowed to drop cover or flash a badge. Then we get some text to introduce Van "The Man" Ray (who is taking it personally) and Deaqon "No Relation to Isaac" Hayes (who is Van's partner). We also meet Lieutenant Billie "Judge's" Chambers (who cut the deal herself). Also? That party was off the hook.
Candy Store. Van and Deaqon enter, mid-argument. Deaqon exposits that everything they seize they keep, and everything they keep, they use. Deaqon thinks that since he seized the Bell helicopter, he should be allowed to use it. They argue over who actually seized the helicopter, along with a Porsche they got in the same bust. Van uses the words "booger sugar" to refer to cocaine. Please. That is such a reach. They finally compromise by saying that Van gets the Porsche and Deaqon gets the helicopter. Apparently, some time has passed since the end of the last episode, if they have had time to complete another bust. Deaqon reminds us that they are in a "secret corner of the LAPD." And the new viewers are pretty much caught up.
Deaqon and Van walk up to Billie, who is polishing a car, a satisfied grin on her face. Deaqon asks what happened to the Bell helicopter. Billie says that she traded it with DEA. Deaqon thinks she must have got a jet or a yacht, but Billie says that she traded it for the car she's currently polishing. Deaqon doesn't think it's a fair trade until Billie reveals that it's Steve McQueen's car from Bullitt. Seriously, what's with the Steve McQueen references? I understand he was cool, and a man's man, and all that, but that's like the third one in two episodes. Unless they are going to exhume Steve McQueen's corpse and give it a guest appearance week, they need to take it down a notch. Billie and Deaqon smell the interior of the car and have orgasms. Van can't believe that Billie likes Bullitt, since chicks usually hate that movie. Which explains why Van never keeps a chick longer than an episode. Billie says that Bullitt is the reason that she became a cop, as she takes out a cigarette and fiddles with it. Van asks Billie if she's a lesbian, and then adds that it's cool with him if she is. Billie just gives him a look. Deaqon suggests that they go for a ride, but Billie wants to "put another coat of wax on her before she deals with the elements." Billie removes her jumpsuit to reveal a black tube top and low-rise pants. She bends down to apply some lipstick in the rearview mirror, and then tells the detectives to have a great weekend. I think that was supposed to be sexy, but it didn't really work for me. But I'm not really the target audience.
Van points out to Deaqon that Billie referred to the car as a female, and uses this as evidence that Billie is a lesbian. Which goes to further explain why Van can never keep a girlfriend for more than an episode. Deaqon says that Billie's in love with Steve McQueen, but Van says she merely identifies with him, which is a big difference. Deaqon doesn't care, because he's got a big party to go to tonight. Van starts to suggest that they go together, and maybe Van should look into that as yet another reason why he can't hold onto a woman for more than an episode. Deaqon says that they can't, because they are partners. Deaqon thinks they should "keep it clean and simple," and Van turns around, all dejected that his crush just blew him off. Van reaches into Steve McQueen's car, grabs the keys, and says that they could take the car to the party. Deaqon is suddenly interested, but points out that if Billie finds out they took it, they'll be fired. Also, Deaqon will be driving.
Deaqon and Van speed down the highway in the car. Again, I know nothing about cars, but I'm pretty sure this one is a Mustang. Sadly, I know that because it looks like the car Brandon drove on for a while. As they ride along, Van is "dancing" to some rap music. Deaqon looks at him in disgust and changes the station to "For Once in My Life" by Stevie Wonder. Van changes it back. Deaqon says that he doesn't want to hang with Van because he's got attention deficit disorder and is distracting him from the road. They stop because there is a truck in their way. Deaqon changes the station back, and schools Van in the ways of the Wonder. Preach it, brother. Van thinks that Stevie Wonder is overrated. Oh, Van. You just went down, like, a notch. They battle over the stations some more. Van says, "Let me guess. He's the reason you became a cop, right?" Deaqon retorts, "No. He's the reason I became black!" Okay, that line cracked me up. Just then, a motorcycle goes vaulting over the hood of their car. Before Van and Deaqon can figure out what just happened, another motorcycle follows. They're still dumbfounded. A third motorcycle follows.
Cut to six minutes earlier. The motorcyclists are robbing a jewelry store of some loose diamonds and jewelry. Back in the present, Van wonders why there is never a cop around when you need one. So, of course, a cop on a motorcycle tries to vault their car, and smashes through the rear window. Deaqon asks Van to please tell him that didn't just happen, and then takes off. Deaqon somehow manages to catch up to the three motorcycles and gives chase. One of the motorcyclists wipes out. Another member of the gang circles back for a pick-up. The motorcyclist now riding on the rear of the bike leans back and shoots at Van and Deaqon from an upside-down position. That's impressive. I mean, Van and Deaqon don't actually get hit, but it was still impressive. Deaqon stops the car and says that they have to get those guys. Van spots a thong peeking out from one of the motorcyclist's pants and says that they're not guys; they're girls. Wow, an all-girl band of jewel thieves. I haven't seen anything like that since...I saw Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. And I seem to remember making another reference to that movie in last week's recap, so I have to assume the writers are fans of the Smith oeuvre.
The credits feature a great deal of chrome.
Back at the Candy Store, Billie surveys the wrecked car. Van tries to come up with a good explanation, but can't. Deaqon apologizes. Van tries to say tht the damage isn't that bad. Billie asks, "What. The hell. Happened?" She pauses a lot between words, and I think she was going for the effect that she was trying to control her anger, but it came off instead like she forgot her line halfway through. Van starts to explain, and we suddenly go widescreen for no apparent reason. As each character explains part of the story on half the screen, we see a flashback of the action on the other half. This is really unnecessary since we...you know, actually saw what happened. Like if they were going to do a Rashomon thing where each person's version of the story was slightly different, that would be kind of cool. But instead, we just see footage we already saw two minutes ago. We learn that the gang of jewel thieves has hit three stores recently, and that they hit during rush hour so that they could take advantage of the traffic to elude police on their motorcycles. Deaqon concludes that they were just victims of circumstance. Billie isn't buying it. Van says he thinks they can catch the jewel thieves. Billie says that Robbery Homicide is already on the job. We go wide screen again so that we can see the Robbery Homicide cops on half the screen, as Deaqon explains that Robbery Homicide has already had three chances to catch the thieves and screwed them all up, so he and Van should be given a shot. Billie asks what the criminals might have that would be of use at the Candy Store. Van suggests that the tricked-out motorcycles might be worth some money. Deaqon says that they also know something that Robbery Homicide does not: the gang members are ladies. Billie is interested. Deaqon promises that it will be a "clean and simple bust." Billie gives them seventy-two hours to make an arrest.
Now we get to meet the girl gang. The leader is Tough Blonde (or TB for short). The other members are Tangi Miller (a.k.a. Elena from Felicity) and Tatiana Ali (a.k.a. Ashley from Fresh Prince). They check out their loot. Tatiana reveals that the paper said the jewels were worth $460,000, and they celebrate their newfound wealth. TB says that they can't spend any of the money until things cool down. Elena says that she needs the money to put her son in school; TB relents and says she can do that, but that they can't spend anything else. Tatiana says that they need to turn the diamonds into cash.
Van and Deaqon meet up with Tubby in a diner. Yeah, I know the character is actually called Aquarius, but that's a dumb name, so I'm sticking with Tubby. Of course, Tubby has a table full of food in front of him, because fat people just eat all the time. Despite that, Tubby looks like he's lost a good deal of weight since the pilot was filmed. I thought it was another actor at first. Tubby isn't happy to see Deaqon because his tarot cards told him that a friend would be bringing bad news. Deaqon says he might just be there to hang out, but Tubby says he wouldn't have brought his "little white friend" if that were the case. Van introduces himself, and they take a seat. Deaqon says that they're looking for three thieves who drive tricked-out motorcycles. Tubby has some information, but it turns out that he just read an article in the paper. Deaqon reveals that the bikers are female. Should two undercover cops really be spilling all of their information in public like this? Deaqon comments on the amount of food Tubby's ordered, and asks about his diet. Tubby says that he's doing "the Atkins thing" now, and that he's lost eighty-six pounds. Van brings it back to the criminals. Tubby says that he might know something, and wants to know what's in it for him. He wants a partner of his named Tony Hornsbury released from prison, because he was framed. Deaqon says that it's a done deal. Van whispers to ask if they can do that, and Deaqon whispers back that he doesn't know. Tubby says that the gang leader is a blonde named Jade who works as a mechanic making custom motorcycles. Deaqon asks Tubby to put word out that Deaqon and Van are high-end fences; Tubby agrees. Van and Deaqon stand up to leave. Tubby warns them that Jade is "hot to death," but that she killed her ex-boyfriend, so they should stay away. Van and Deaqon thank him and leave. Tubby yells after them not to yell out his name when they walk in the door, so Deaqon yells out his name as they walk out.
Deaqon and Van watch some surveillance video of Jade. Deaqon agrees that she is "hot to death." Van is wearing a sleeveless Western shirt that I think was made for a girl. Van says that Jade claimed she killed her ex-boyfriend in self-defense, and she was acquitted. Thus follows an argument where Deaqon claims that Van has too much empathy for the criminals, which clouds his judgment, and Van says that he's just learning background for the investigation so that he's prepared. Because even though they're partners, they're very different. They come from different worlds. Get it? Van starts spouting off facts about Jade that Deaqon doesn't know, but Deaqon doesn't think that proves anything. They finish by arguing about who would win at a game of pool.
Cut to a bar. Three ladies are on stage butchering "Where My Girls At?." Jade plays pool while her thong sticks out. Van and Deaqon walk in arguing about how best to approach Jade. Van says that if his plan works, Deaqon has to go sing "For Once In My Life," karaoke-style. If the plan doesn't work, Van will be singing. Van walks up to the pool table and says hello. Deaqon wraps an arm around Jade and starts hitting on her. Van defends Jade's honor by picking a fight with Deaqon. Jade tells Van to let Deaqon go, and offers to buy Van a beer in the bar in back. Van is going to hit the bathroom first. Once Jade is gone, Van tells Deaqon to hit the stage and start singing. Deaqon announces his song choice to the DJ and takes his spot behind the mike. He's awful, but I bet Bill Bellamy can really sing. It's all very Cameron Diaz in My Best Friend's Wedding. Van heads to the back bar, where Jade cold-cocks him while wearing brass knuckles. We go to commercial with Deaqon still "singing" and Van lying unconscious on the floor.
When we return, Deaqon (like Cameron Diaz) has won over the crowd with his enthusiasm. Van wakes up with a knife to his throat. Jade makes a small cut to get Van to admit that his name is Van Strummer. With a name like that, I can see why he'd want to keep that information private. Jade asks about his friend, and Van plays dumb, but the knife gets him to admit that his friend is named Deaq. Meanwhile, Deaqon is playing air harmonica. Van tells Jade that he was hoping to do business with her. Jade finally removes the knife from Van's neck and asks why he thinks she needs a fence. Van says that he heard she has some diamonds, and he brought Deaqon along because Van "can't tell a diamond from an ice cube." Jade asks if she looks like a girl who would wear diamonds, and stands up. She adds that even if she did have something to fence, she wouldn't go to Van, because she doesn't know him "from Adam 12." Seriously, the '70s cop-show references are getting to be a bit much. Deaqon? Still singing. He finally finishes and everyone applauds.
Van and Deaqon meet back up at the Candy Store. Deaqon is still fired up about his successful performance. Van -- who has ice on his eye -- says that he was a little unconscious while Deaqon was singing, and that Deaqon won the bet. Deaqon is a little mad that he sang for no reason. Billie walks in and asks what happened to Van. Deaqon supplies that Van got beat up by a girl. Billie laughs. Van protests that he just got decked. Billie realizes that they blew it, and says she hopes that they have another plan. Van says that he planted the seed. Deaqon brings up the favor they need to do for Tubby. Billie says that her boss can take care of it. Van is surprised to hear that Billie has a boss, since she doesn't act like she has one. Billie says that her boss said the same thing. Billie makes a phone call to arrange for Jade's regular fence to be arrested, and we see footage of some pimp-looking dude being arrested for DUI.
Jade and Tatiana discuss how their fence was arrested, and comment that they can't wait for him to get out of jail. Tatiana is worried that they don't have a backup fence. Jade promises that she met a guy named Van who seems to check out. Elena walks in. Tatiana yells at her for being late, and then fills her in one what happened with their fence. Tatiana wonders why Jade isn't calling Van right now. Jade says that she and Van didn't exactly hit it off. Tatiana translates that Jade was "a beeyotch." Jade relents and takes out Van's phone number. Elena studies a picture of herself and her son. And at that moment, I totally called that Elena was working with the cops. Not to ruin it for you or anything.
Van is punching a heavy bag. Wait, let me rephrase that. In order to have an excuse to show Peter Facinelli without a shirt again, Van is punching a heavy bag. His phone rings. Jade reminds him who she is and apologizes for hitting him. She acts like an eighth-grader calling to ask her crush to the dance. Van says he's busy and wonders what she wants. Jade wants to talk business. Van says that she could be a cop, and Jade asks if they are going to hook up.
Jade and her gang pull up to the meeting place (some sort of biker roadside café) on their bikes. Deaqon and Van pull up on bikes of their own. Deaqon tells Van that if they get split up, they should meet back at the Candy Store. Introductions are exchanged. Deaqon asks to see a sample of the goods, and he takes off with Elena and Tatiana. Van and Jade are going off on their own.
Deaqon inspects a diamond. Elena asks for $460,000. Deaqon says that he'll need a lot more than that one diamond for a price like that. Elena says that they only have what they've shown him, and that Jade has the rest.
Meanwhile, Jade is frisking Van. Is there going to be a scene every week with Van being frisked by a blonde? Also, how come Van has to pair up with the blonde while Deaqon goes with the two black chicks? Jade finds Van's stash of cash, and Van takes it back from her. Jade hops on her bike. Van asks where she's going. Jade asks if he can keep up, and Van says, "Absolutely not." They pull out. We focus on two cops sitting in a car by the side of the road. They're the same cops we saw earlier when Billie was talking about Robbery Homicide handling the case. Cop #1 (Malachi from Children of the Corn -- who, I must say, also puts on a charming performance in Sweet Home Alabama) wants to go. Cop #2 (who has been in eight million things, but whom I will refer to as Tony, his character on ) says that they are waiting for the other one. Tatiana tells Deaqon that if Van makes a wrong move, Jade will "whack his ass." Van and Jade ride their motorcycles down a winding road.
Van and Jade arrive at a cliff. Van asks if she's playing hard to get, and Jade says that she had to make sure they weren't being followed. She unzips her pants and pulls out the bag of diamonds. Then there's the obligatory sexual tension between Van and the hot lady criminal. Van says that he heard Jade killed a guy. What a buzz kill. Jade says she killed two guys. Van asks why. Jade says, "One tried to play me, [and the other] tried to kiss me." So Van kisses her. Can't he find a woman to date who is not currently under investigation? Van discovers the knife in Jade's pants and she removes it. Van hands her two stacks of cash, and promises the rest when he gets the rest of the diamonds. He offers her $230,000 total. Jade says that it's half what the jewels are worth, and Van points out that buyers are hard to find. Jade agrees to the terms, and they agree to meet the day at noon. She goes in for another kiss, but Van resists. But then he kisses her anyway.
Elena talks to the cops. Of course. She tells them that one day she had a handful of diamonds, and the day, the two cops walked into her life. Malachi pulls out a cigarette. Tony says that she's a smart girl, and she'll do the right thing. Gina says that they're asking her to sell out her two best and oldest friends. Malachi says that her son needs his mom, and that Elena will get a second chance. Tony hands her a card and tells her to call when the deal is going down; Elena doesn't even need to be there. Elena says that her friends won't do the deal without her, and that she hasn't even agreed to do it yet. She snatches the card and gets out of the car. Malachi lights a cigarette and assures Tony that Elena will co-operate.
Candy Store. Van walks in. Deaqon is pissed that Van was gone for so long without calling. Also, Deaqon is jealous that Van was "hitting it with Jade." Van says that he was just driving around to clear his head. Deaqon says that he's Van's partner, and that he's supposed to know if Van is okay. Van apologizes, and says that he really "hates this sometime." Deaqon asks whether Van is going to give him the "I feel sorry for the girl" speech. Deaqon points out that the criminals make choices, and that if they make the wrong ones, it's the cops' job to take care of it. Van says that he knows what the job is, because the job is to lie. Van hates that he's good at it, and has to lie to Jade's face. Van adds that he knows they are guilty and deserve time, but he feels guilty too sometimes. Because he's the sensitive cop. Deaqon wishes he could say something to make Van feel better and then take Van in his arms and make sweet love to him. Okay, I might have added that last part myself. Van and Deaqon hug. Billie walks up and sees them embracing and asks if they are gay. Because Van asked earlier if she was a lesbian, remember? Van and Deaqon break apart and do manly things like adjust their packages and spit, I guess.
Deaqon and Van fill Billie in on what they have found out about the girl gang. Billie tosses Van a duffel bag containing $200,000. Van sighs. Billie's all, "What's your problem?" Van's all, "I'm a great liar." Billie tells them that the deal is supposed to go down at noon, and that she'll come in twenty minutes later and "close the deal." Van asks Billie's what's up with the cigarettes lined up on her desk. Billie says that it's "a willpower thing," but that it's not really working. Van trots out that old saw about it being harder to quit smoking tobacco than it is to quit doing heroin. Which may be true. I don't have any experience with the latter. Billie says that it's about the same. Van looks shocked and tells Billie that she's full of surprises. Van and Deaqon leave.
Elena stares guiltily out the window. Jade asks what's wrong with her. Elena says nothing. Jade says that Elena doesn't need to worry that Van's a cop because he gave her $20,000 on good faith. And are cops not allowed to do that? I don't see how that's supposed to prove that Van's not a cop. Or maybe Jade's just that dumb. Tatiana plays with the diamonds, and Jade yells at her and tells her not to spread them all out on the table. Jade reminds them that they want to see the cash before they hand over the diamonds. Elena asks what happened to good faith, and Jade says that she just doesn't want to look like an amateur. She also warns Elena to get away from the window. Tatiana tells Elena that she doesn't look well. Elena says, "I was just up with, um, Henry all night." Did she forget her son's name for a minute or what? Jade says that now Elena can take her son to a good doctor.
There's a knock at the door. Jade tells the others to let her handle it. Tatiana opens the door and Tony busts in, gun drawn. He and Malachi order the ladies to drop their weapons. Elena dives to the floor. Tatiana and Jade both pull guns. Tony shoots Tatiana in the chest. Jade shoots Tony in the leg, I think. Jade grabs the bag of diamonds and runs. Elena follows. Malachi is too busy making sure Tony is alive to follow. Elena and Jade hop on a motorcycle and take off. According to the captioning, Mary J. Blige's "No More Drama" is supposed to be playing over this sequence, but instead it's some generic guitar.
Deaqon and Van arrive just in time to see Jade and Elena driving off. Malachi runs out of the house, but realizes that he can't catch up to the ladies. Jade must have driven the bike into the back of a van, because suddenly Elena is trying to start said van as Jade yells at her like that's helping. It won't start. Elena suggests that Tatiana might still be alive. Jade says that they have to get out of there. Elena brings up her son. Jade says that they just shot a cop, and that her son is better off with her cousin right now. The van still won't start.
Billie tiptoes into the house, stepping over Tony and spotting Tatiana dead against the wall. She pulls out a phone, but then she hears Tony take a gasp, and begins CPR. Elena still can't get the van to start. You'd think someone like Jade, who works for a mechanic, would be able to help out there. Elena gets pissed and says that Tatiana's dead and Tony's dead and she wishes she were dead. Jade realizes that Elena knows Tony's name, which means that Elena knows Tony. Elena is so busted. She tells Jade that the cops threatened to take her son away. Then they're all, "Stay gold, Ponyboy" and talking about how they've been friends forever. Jade pulls Elena out of the van and forces her to her knees on the ground, then holds a gun to her head. Apparently, they are in a warehouse of some sort. Van and Deaqon finally arrive, like, where in the hell have they been? Van tells Jade not to do it. Jade isn't having it. Will she shoot Elena? Wait until after the commercial to find out.
Outside the warehouse, Malachi has assembled a SWAT team. Is there going to be a SWAT team every week? Because I'm totally down with that. Van tells Jade again not to shoot Elena. Jade still isn't convinced. The SWAT team is all, "Swarm, swarm!" Some dude with a bullhorn tells them all to put down their weapons and come out now. Van and Deaqon tell Jade that they have no chance at getting out alive unless she uses Elena as a hostage. Jade agrees with this. First, she wants the money from Van. He throws her the bag of money and she throws him the bag of diamonds. As Jade forces Elena toward the door, Elena elbows Jade in the stomach and takes off. Malachi tells the other cops not to shoot, because she's his informant. Elena makes it out safely. Jade takes Deaqon hostage, although I'm not sure why. Van pulls a gun on her and suggests that they all give themselves up. Jade says that they are going to ride the bike out as fast as possible. Van says that he'll shoot Jade if she tries to take Deaqon. Jade says that everyone she loves is dead, and that if she gets caught, she'll go to Death Row. In other words, she's got nothing left to lose. Van shoots Deaqon in the ass, and now Van and Jade are in a standoff. Jade decides that her best bet is to make a run for it and essentially commit suicide. Van tells her, "Nothing's worth dying over." Jade doesn't fall for that lame line, so he tries, "I care." Jade actually says, "I just wish it was enough." She runs out of the warehouse and gets blown away. Elena cries.
Back at the Candy Store, Van works on Deaqon's ass. The angle makes it look like they're in a compromising position, but in reality, Van is taking the bandage off Deaqon's gunshot wound. Billie walks in and exposits that Tony is still alive. Deaqon is pissed that his ass is all dented now. Van says that he saved Deaqon's life. Deaqon says he wants to work alone. Billie tells them both to shut it, and never to steal from the Candy Store again. Van settles in to watch TV while Deaqon complains some more. I love how they are all light-hearted now when Van was practically going to turn in his badge a minute earlier over Jade. But now she's dead, so let the good times roll!
week: the World Series will be pre-empting the show. Sorry!