Since it's been over a month since the last new episode, the opening once again features Billie reminding us that Van and Deaqon are undercover cops who aren't allowed to drop cover or flash a badge (which would be the definition of undercover, no?). Van says that he lies for a living. Deaqon says that his job is to catch the bad guys. Billie tells the boys that this job is "not all about tail and Tanqueray." Then Van and Deaqon bicker to let you know that although they are partners, they don't always get along. The party was not off the hook this week, I am sad to report.
Van and Deaqon meet up in the desert somewhere. I've decided to modify Aaron's episode grading scheme for this show, which means that from now on, I will base my episode grade on the Start to Shirtless Facinelli count. But since I'm not as fastidious as Aaron, instead of giving the number of seconds, I'll just base it on the act in which the Shirtless Facinelli occurs. And it occurs now, in the teaser, as Van changes his shirt for no apparent reason. Deaqon has grown a beard and looks a lot like Will Smith. Deaqon teaches Van how to say "bottoms up" in Russian, since they are meeting up with some Russians -- a brother and sister duo, in fact. By their familiar greetings, it's clear that the boys have met the Russians previously. Katiya, the sister, asks who wants to kill some police, and Van and Deaqon raise their hands.
Cut to one week earlier, when Billie was giving the boys the background on the Russians. Dimitri, the brother, was formerly in the Russian Mob. Katiya was heavily involved in the Moscow black market. They immigrated to the United States and got involved in arms dealing. Billie says that they have enough information to arrest Dimitri and Katiya right now, but they really want their supplier, Nikolai. Billie displays a mug shot of Nikolai, adding that Nikolai only trusts Dimitri. According to Interpol, Nikolai is putting a new weapon on the market. No one knows what it is, but four terrorist organizations have bid on it. Interpol? Why is the LAPD handling this case? Doesn't it seem more like it should be in the federal jurisdiction, what with the importing weapons across national boundaries and all? I mean, LAPD could help if the weapons were purchased in L.A., but it just seems weird that Van and Deaq are handling the whole investigation. Deaqon figures out that they need to get close to the Russians, so that they are allowed to meet Nikolai, and then they arrest him.
Back to the desert. Van and Deaq walk off with the Russians, and then a shady guy steps out from behind a rock or a cliff or something and tags along, unseen. Cut to Van firing some sort of automatic weapon at a dummy made to look like a cop. Hey, that's Public Enemy playing on the soundtrack. But sped up. It's like techno "Fight the Power". As the boys are busy shooting, Shady Guy sneaks over to their cars and looks through them. Katiya asks the boys what they think of the guns they've been using. Van says they are looking for something a little more specialized. Deaq adds that they heard Dimitri has a shipment coming in. Before Dimitri can respond, Shady Guy walks up and says that while the boys claim that they're from Corona Del Mar, their cars have Hollywood registrations. Also, Van lives at the Chateau Marmont and rides with the Pagans. I don't know who the Pagans are, but I bet it has something to do with the jacket Van was wearing before he got naked. Van and Deaqon are all, "Who's this guy?" Shady Guy says that Deaqon has a lot of clothes in his trunk, and a receipt from a soul-food place in Harlem. Dimitri demands an explanation. Deaqon says he went to New York and got hungry. Shady Guy says that Dimitri pays him to help figure out Americans, and that he's just doing his job.
Dimitri quickly aims the gun at Deaqon and Van. Shady Guy says that the boys are just going to give a lame explanation, and that Dimitri will get pissed and kill them. And then they either have two dead cops or two dead thugs, either of which will create problems. Shady Guy thinks they should just chase the boys off. Katiya quickly agrees. Shady Guy adds that they don't want the boys to get home before the Russians have time to "wipe this place down," so he takes a missile launcher and blows up the boys' cars in a spectacular and flame-filled manner. Of course, I've never blown up a car, so maybe it's always spectacular and flame-filled. Those things could just be intrinsic to the car detonation process. Deaqon asks Shady Guy's name, but doesn't get it, and Deaq and Van start walking home. Van murmurs that when the bust happens, he and Deaq can flip a coin over who gets to toss Shady down a flight of stairs. Cut to Billie saying that it's not going to happen, because Shady Guy is an undercover ATF agent. Wow, I didn't see that coming! Except that I totally did. And, for a change of pace, we've now got Shirtless Bellamy. Both guys took their shirts off before the credits! Van sighs and says, "I quit." Deaqon agrees. This show was certainly short-lived. Unless they were just being sarcastic or something. Credits.
Billie explains that she contacted ATF to get info on the Russians, and that ATF told her that Dallas (formerly known as "Shady Guy") was already on the job. Dallas is apparently an "undercover superstar." He always works alone and always makes the case. Van says that Dallas enjoyed blowing their cover, and Deaq doesn't care for whom the guy works. Billie reveals that Dallas cut off contact with his handlers two months ago. ATF is worried, since the whole case is in Dallas's hands. So Billie suggested that Deaq and Van tail Dallas and figure out if he's dirty. If he is, ATF will pull him out, and if he isn't, Van and Deaq will partner with him and split the bust. Van tells Billie to write this down and save it, because when it comes true, he'll look like a genius: "I don't care how good Dallas is. I don't want my life or Deaq's in his hands." That's not really a prediction, is it? It would have made more sense if he'd said, "Dallas will get us killed" or "Dallas will put us in major danger because he's crazy."
Dallas and the Russians walk out of some club. Dimitri talks to someone on a cell phone and promises to get some money that he's owed by a gentleman named Wisdom Bailey; then he throws the phone in frustration. Deaq and Van watch from across the street. Deaq bets that Dimitri is on drugs. Van takes the bet. Dimitri tells Dallas that Nikolai will be there soon, and that they need to get the money from Bailey; then he takes a big snort of coke. Deaq demands payment from Van. Dallas tells Dimitri that they're in public and can't do that sort of thing, and then urges Dimitri to go back inside and relax while he gets the money from Bailey. Dimitri thinks that the club is crap and that there's no one in there. Katiya claims that she saw Stephen Dorff in there. Dude, I think I saw Stephen Dorff the other day. It's not like he's busy. But I guess that's the point. Dimitri goes back inside, and Dallas murmurs some thanks to Katiya for helping out with her brother.
Deaq and Van sit in a car and watch Dallas sit in a car watching Bailey's house. Van is bored. Deaq just found out that they are watching Wisdom Bailey's house by talking to someone on the phone. Van backstories that Bailey just got out of jail, and has now returned to running his own record label. Then there's the most useless split screen ever, where one side is Deaq and the other side is Van, even though they are sitting to each other in the car and the director could have just continued on with the simple two-shot. On a show like 24, it makes sense to use split screens so that you can see what is happening in two different plotlines at the same time, since the show is in real time. In a show like this, it's just bullshit posturing. The giant gates in front of Bailey's house open and a security guard walks out. Dallas approaches the gate and yells that Dimitri just wants what he's owed. Like eight more armed security guys wander out, but Dallas keeps yelling insults, trying to get Bailey to come out. His best line is when he asks Bailey, "So what kind of dressing did you take on your salad in [prison]. I bet it was a nice creamy Italian." Van and Deaq talk about how they're not going to help Dallas out, all the while getting out their guns and preparing to help Dallas out. Finally, Bailey walks out. Dallas asks if he wants a war with the Russians. Bailey decks Dallas, and then spits on him. Deaqon thinks that Bailey deserved it. Van says that he feels bad for Dallas, because he's clearly committed to staying in character. Deaq thinks that a guy with style could have gotten the money without resorting to insults. Deaq asks what they are doing , and Van sighs and says that Dallas went through their stuff, so...
Deaq and Van break into Dallas's apartment. There's not much to find -- some desiccated limes in the fridge, a bobble-head hockey player, lots of takeout food and empty alcohol bottles, and various medications for insomnia and ulcers. Van says he feels bad for Dallas. Deaqon doesn't. Van just thinks the "vibe" is sad. Deaqon points out that they are both in the same field as Dallas, and they don't drink themselves to sleep. Just then, Dallas bursts into the apartment, carrying Katiya over his shoulder. Is anyone surprised that these two are doing it? Yeah, me neither. They burst into the bedroom, but Deaq and Van have vanished. They start doing it. (Dallas and Katiya, not Deaq and Van. This isn't Smallville.) Katiya is worried about Dallas's injuries, and points out that Nikolai will be there soon to collect the money Dallas didn't collect from Bailey. Dallas promises that he and Katiya will be together, and then distracts her with sexual favors. The camera pans down to reveal Deaqon and Van lying under the bed, disgusted. Van tries to whisper something to Deaqon, who shushes him. Deaqon pulls out a text pager and Van pulls his out as well. They start messaging each other. They are the fastest typists, ever. Deaqon's screen name is PRPLHAYES1 and Van's is VANGTO. Deaqon wins the battle of the screen names. Anyway, they banter until a ping-pong ball drops off the bed and bounces towards Deaqon, who frantically blows it away. Cut to two hours later. Dallas and Katiya are still going at it. Van and Deaqon have resorted to playing soccer with a dust ball. Finally, the sex fiends take a break and Katiya heads for the bathroom. Van sneezes and Dallas pulls a gun on them. A standoff ensues. Deaqon whispers that they know Dallas is ATF. Dallas knows that the boys are LAPD, based on their "police academy shooting stance." Dallas is totally yelling, like Katiya wouldn't hear that. All three men try to convince each other to put their guns down. Dallas notices that Katiya seems to be leaving the bathroom, so he turns on the television and waves the boys out the door, tossing them a matchbook. Katiya walks out of the bathroom with a gun, and Dallas puts his hands up and claims that he's ready to go again, so she doesn't need the gun. Somebody took his vitamins.
Dallas meets with Van and Deaqon in the bar from the matchbook cover. It looks like the club from Swingers with the red vinyl banquettes and all. Van wonders why Dallas blew their cover in the desert. Dallas says that he didn't blow their cover, but that they were trying to horn in on his case, so he showed them a way out. Van says that Dallas isn't exactly playing by the book. Dallas asks if they're referring to Katiya, and asks if they've ever slept with a mark to "keep her sweet." Van looks all guilty, because he totally is. Van asks how long it's been since Dallas checked in with his handlers. Dallas says that he makes cases, and that's what matters. Van says that they're all going to be working together now. Dallas says he's been on the case for five months, and has been through a lot, just to meet Nikolai. He wonders how Van and Deaq could possibly help him out.
Cut to Van opening a car trunk and taking out a bunch of cash. Deaqon says that they'll buy every weapon they saw in the desert. Dallas says that the cash in his hands is ten times his annual expense account. Van says they're the Russians' new best customers, as long as Dallas gets them back in good with the Russians. Dallas asks if that's it. Van says that they're having a party on Saturday, and that Dallas should bring the Russians. Deaqon adds that he doesn't like or trust Dallas. Van says that they would love to pull the plug on him. Dallas chuckles over the idea that he might care whether they like him.
At the Saturday night party, lots of people dance and drink. Van, Deaqon, Dallas, and the Russians do shots at a round table. Katiya pours a shot down her shirt for no apparent reason. Van and Deaqon earn Dimitri's respect by playing "Name that Movie Quote." Dimitri offers up a toast to Van and Deaqon. Dallas drunkenly says that it would be great if Van and Deaqon weren't cops. He pulls a gun and trains it on them. Okay, that I actually did not see that one coming.
When we return from the break, everyone is frozen in place. Deaqon offers up that no cop would have access to a house like the one they're in. Van goes for the angry-young-man routine, reminding Dimitri that they've been very generous and patient, and don't deserve this kind of treatment. After a few more tense moments, Dallas cracks up and says that he's kidding, and that he was just acting. Van laughs nervously. He and Deaqon pull out guns and start jokingly yelling that they're cops and everyone is under arrest. Dimitri is still confused. Katiya laughs.
Upstairs or in a hall or in another room somewhere, Deaqon slams Dallas into the wall and asks what in the hell that was about. Dallas reminds the boys that they threatened to pull him off the investigation, and says he just wanted to remind them that he also has a gun pointed at them all of the time. Dallas also thinks it was funny. Deaqon says that Dallas needs help. Dallas says the point is that he doesn't. Van reminds him that he's got partners now whether he wants them or not. Dallas says that all partners are either bad partners or dead partners. Deaqon asks about Katiya. Van asks if Dallas is playing her. Dallas says that Katiya is scared of Dimitri, and that she needs Dallas. He claims that their relationship is real, and that he wants to marry her. Van congratulates him. Deaqon wants to know what penitentiary will host the reception. Dallas starts cracking up again and claims that he was joking again, and that he has no interest in Katiya. Van disgustedly orders Dallas to go. Dallas laughs at how gullible they are. Facinelli is wearing a really tight long-sleeved polo shirt, and he has the collar up. It's not a good look for him.
Van skateboards into the Candy Store, where Deaq sits on a couch. Van claims he couldn't sleep and decided to test out some skateboards. Deaq says that he comes there late at night all the time. Van checks out the picture Deaq is holding. It's a picture of Deaq's family, and Deaq fills in that it was taken the last time they were all together. Van says that Deaq should put it on the mantel at his place. Deaq thinks he'll keep it in his bag. Van apologizes for getting in Deaq's business. Deaq apologizes and says that he should put something personal in his place so that he doesn't turn into Dallas. Van thinks that's crazy. Deaq says that being around Dallas freaks him out, because it could be his future. Van agrees. Billie walks in and asks how things are going with Dallas. Van says he's not crazy (but he is), and that he's good on the job (but he's not). Deaq gets mad and wonders why they're all there at 4 AM instead of out with friends or home with family. Van thinks that Dallas needs "a serious reality bitchslap." Billie philosophizes about what Dallas really needs, and decides that Dallas needs some slack from the three people who realize what he's going through.
Dimitri yells at Dallas that he's worthless, and reminds him that Nikolai is coming soon and that they don't have the money Bailey owes. Dallas says that taking on Bailey will start a street war, and implies that they would have the money if not for Dimitri's drug use. Dimitri slams Dallas up against the wall (he's getting a lot of that lately) and stabs his palm with a knife. Ouch. Katiya begs Dimitri to stop. Dimitri reveals that he knows about Dallas and Katiya, and takes the knife out of Dallas's hand. Dimitri orders Dallas to collect the money from Bailey, and adds that since it's taken so long to collect, the amount is now doubled: $800,000.
Dallas tells Van and Deaqon that if he doesn't get the money from Bailey today, he's out or he's dead, and then Van and Deaqon won't be able to get to Nikolai. Dallas wants Van and Deaqon to give him the money so that he can claim it's from Bailey. Deaqon says they don't have that much. Van says that they also need to save some money for when Nikolai shows up. Dallas asks them to help him collect the money from Bailey, since they have so many resources at their fingertips.
Billie orders someone to shut down power at Bailey's address. Deaq drives a utility van into Bailey's estate, claiming to be a utility worker, and drives the van right in. Dallas and Van burst out of the back. Van was in such a hurry to get there that he forgot to button up his shirt. Cut to all of Bailey's security guards lying on the ground with their wrists and mouth taped. Bailey is taped to a chair in front of the pool. Dallas demands the money, but Bailey refuses to give it up. Deaqon demands the money again. Bailey starts yelling that he's not going to give it to them, and Dallas pushes him into the pool, chair and all. Did I mention that he's taped to the chair? Dallas walks away. Deaqon yells that Dallas forgot something, meaning that Bailey is drowning in the pool. Dallas walks back and picks up his baseball cap, then leaves.
After the break, Van takes off his shirt (another Shirtless Facinelli shot) and dives in. He and Deaqon argue over who has to give Bailey mouth-to-mouth, but before Van can start in, Bailey coughs out some water and revives. His time in the water clearly didn't hurt him much, since he immediately starts yelling again that he doesn't have the money. Van dangles him over the water again, and Bailey admits that the money is in a mahogany chest in the dining room. Cut to Dallas counting the money; it's more than they even needed. Van asks Dallas if he would have let Bailey drown if they weren't there. Dallas says that he was a lifeguard, and that he knows how long someone can stay underwater without drowning. Deaqon is still pissed. Dallas says seriously that he would not have let Bailey die. Am I supposed to care about Dallas? Because I really don't. Dallas thanks the boys for saving his ass, and gets in the back of the truck.
Dimitri counts the money and then gives Dallas a big hug, and says he has news. Cut to Dallas at the bar with the red banquettes, telling Van and Deaqon that Nikolai is in the United States, and is coming to L.A. week. Deaqon comments that a week is plenty of time to set up "that SWAT welcome wagon." They decide to celebrate their nearness to the finish line. The Red Elvises play on stage. Deaqon asks if Dallas will be happy to see this investigation wrap up. Dallas says that the boys are really young, and that at some point they will be in their real life, and dying to get back into another job so that they can forget who they are and what they've done. He points out Katiya, who is dancing alone. Dallas admits that he lost himself in her, and now he has to send her to jail. Deaqon asks if he's messing with them again. Van knows that Dallas isn't. Deaqon asks what the deal is. Dallas says that he really loves Katiya. Deaqon jokes that you can't trust a white boy around a mark in a dress. Dallas says that he knows what he has to do. Katiya runs over to the table and drags the three boys out to the dance floor. Facinelli starts doing that Cossack dance move that Fonzie did at the end of the dance marathon on Happy Days. Katiya freezes when she sees Dimitri walk in with Nikolai behind him. Dimitri introduces the men to Nikolai. Van and Deaqon says that they're surprised, and that they're not exactly ready. Nikolai doesn't care. The way they built Nikolai up through the whole episode, I kind of expected him to be more of a bad-ass. He's kind of scrawny and nerdy-looking.
The Russians (including Nikolai), Dallas, Van, and Deaqon walk out into an alley. Dimitri says that he knows Van and Deaqon keep their money in the car. Deaqon and Van try to stall by saying that they don't have enough, because they weren't expecting Nikolai until week. Dimitri says they can pay what they have and buy the rest later. Nikolai pats Van and Deaqon down, removing their guns and handing them to Dimitri. A C.S.I.-style camera shot shows us that Deaqon managed to hide his text pager inside his coat sleeve. Dimitri announces and he and Deaqon will ride with Nikolai, and that Van, Katiya, and Dallas will take Van's car. Van asks where they are going, and Dimitri says that it's a surprise. Deaqon slides his text pager down into his palm.
In the back seat of the car, Deaqon surreptitiously pages Billie and sends a message that Nikolai is here, and he doesn't know where they are going. Billie messages back to ask if Deaq and Van are okay. Deaq says that he's fine but he doesn't know about Van. Billie calls someone and orders up seven guys in two cars.
Dallas drives Van's car. He leans over and whispers something in Katiya's ear. She appears shocked. They all arrive at some abandoned warehouse. Katiya stays behind, then runs into Van's car and takes off. Van can't believe that Dallas told her. Dallas says that he wants her safe. Van asks if she knows everything, and Dallas says that she knows everything about him. Van thinks she will call her brother right now, and Dallas says that there's only one way to find out.
Meanwhile, Deaqon is trying to send a message to Billie (who's riding in a truck with a SWAT team) without looking at his pager. The message that he sends comes out, "S. Lincolm Piwr Plmt Conplrz." Billie is dumb, because he's clearly trying to say "South Lincoln Power Plant Complex," but she can't figure that out. As Dallas and Van join the others, Dimitri's phone rings. It's Katiya. Dimitri speaks to her in Russian. Van murmurs to Deaqon that Dallas told Katiya everything. Dimitri hangs up the phone and says that Katiya called to says that there's something wrong with the shipment, but that everything will be okay for Van and Deaqon. Nikolai tells Dimitri to open the briefcase on the ground. He does, and we see that the briefcase contains what looks like a dozen cell phones. Nikolai picks one up and aims the antenna at a concrete pillar, then fires off a bullet that blasts the concrete apart. Nikolai says that the phones take normal bullets and can get through metal detectors.
Dallas takes this moment to pull out his gun and order everyone to put his or her hands in the air. Um, don't you think you should have gotten the briefcase full of guns away from the Russians first there, hotshot? Van and Deaqon pretend to be surprised, too. Dimitri thinks that Dallas is joking. On Dallas's order, Nikolai drops the cell phone, but anotherC.S.I.-style shot shows us that he has a gun concealed in his coat sleeve. Dallas reveals that he's from the ATF and that they are under arrest. Nikolai slides out his gun and starts shooting. Everyone dives behind various structures, guns blazing. Van and Dallas end up behind a tank of some sort. Van says he's going after Nikolai, and asks Dallas to cover him. Dallas shoots at Dimitri and hits a steam pipe of some sort. Nikolai climbs up some scaffolding and runs along a platform. Van follows close behind. Dimitri and Dallas shoot at each other. Nikolai stops and aims his gun at Van, but Van comes from a different direction and manages to get the gun away from Nikolai. Dimitri and Dallas both reload. Deaqon takes advantage of the respite to run out of his hiding spot. Dimitri gets his new clip in place and shoots at Deaqon, but Dallas dives out and takes a bullet in the chest. Dimitri backs up into the steam (of course) and ends up taking a bullet as well.
Billie and her crew roll up. Billie finds Katiya crying in Van's car outside. Wasn't she supposed to leave? Was she waiting for Dallas? I don't know. Deaqon tells Dallas to hold on and other platitudes. Dallas laughs and says that this is the story of his life. It must be a short story, because then he dies. Why do characters named Dallas always have to die in the shootout at the end of the movie? Does this make Deaqon into Ponyboy? Billie and her crew run in and find Deaqon looking very, very sad, and Dallas looking very, very dead.
Candy Store. Billie puts a box containing Dallas's worldly possessions on her desk. Why in the world would she get that stuff? Van asks who's going to end up with it. Billie says that Dallas had no family or friends, so it will go into storage. Van thinks that only having one box of stuff is "beyond sad." Hey, just because Dallas didn't buy into your capitalist consumption model doesn't make him a bad person. Oh my God. I just turned into a pinko for a minute. Sorry about that. Deaqon decides to take Dallas's bobble-head hockey guy. Van pulls out a bottle of vodka and says that they're all going to do a shot. He reminds us of when he said earlier that he didn't want his life in Dallas's hands, and then toasts to being wrong. But what happened to Katiya? Did she go to jail? Why can't she have Dallas's stuff?