Racetrack. A car speeds by. Peter Facinelli (which is what I'll call him until his character's name is revealed) is driving, and a sassy blonde is in the passenger seat. She actually looks a bit like his real life wife, Jennie Garth. And I think I recognize her from the many Saturday afternoons I spent flipping past Cleopatra 2525. ["I recognize her from 'The Pack,' because the first time I saw that episode I thought she might be a very young Paige Davis." -- Wing Chun] Sassy Blonde pulls out a very large gun and aims it at the base of Facinelli's skull, then asks if he's a cop. He doesn't flinch, and asks if he's supposed to answer that. I don't know what kind of crazy-ass car he's driving but the steering wheel is on the right, European-style, and I guess the gearshift is on the steering column, since he's shifting with his right hand. I don't know anything about cars, which might be a problem when recapping this show. I think I'm just going to start making up names of cars. For example, the one Facinelli is driving is a Genwin Tubra LX7. Sassy Blonde moves closer and orders Facinellli to hold still, and that she hopes he doesn't mind cold hands. She slides her hand down his chest and into his waistband, searching for a wire. No, a real wire. That's not a euphemism.
In a sepia-toned flashback -- which some on-screen text informs us took place two hours earlier -- Facinelli bends over a chair while his partner affixes a wire between Facinelli's package and his pooper. The partner explains that Sassy Blonde pats Facinelli down every time she sees him, and exhorts Facinelli to spread his cheeks wider. Can you really spread your own cheeks, without using your hands? Obviously, he has greater gluteus control than your average person. Maybe that's his super power. The partner says that he needs "access to the taint," and I guess that's supposed to let us know that this show is edgy. If the show is so edgy, I'm wondering why Facinelli is wearing underwear in this scene -- wouldn't it be easier to hide the wire if he were naked? Facinelli asks if his partner smells something burning. The partner grimaces, then laughs while waving his hand in front of his nose. Facinelli farted! And while I subscribe to the "farts equal funny" school of thought generally, that was just dumb. We have reached our first Action Cliché: Not only are there two cops with a love/hate relationship, but also one of them is black. So you know the black guy is going to die soon. Because you've watched television before.
Back to the racetrack. Facinelli continues to drive while being groped. His partner stands in the middle of the track, with two goons, holding an aluminum briefcase that must be full of money. Aluminum briefcases only ever hold money, loot of some sort, or drugs. It's not like Joe Wall Street carries an aluminum briefcase to work. And the presence of an aluminum briefcase is Action Cliché #2.
Flashback to one hour earlier. Facinelli opens the aluminum briefcase, which does in fact hold money. His partner worriedly tells him to put the money back. Facinelli explains that he got it from a guy in Evidence who owed him a favor, and that they just have to have it back in the morning. His partner isn't having it. Facinelli says that going in with fake money will reveal that they're cops. The partner starts to give a lecture about "the nature of morality," but more importantly, reveals that Facinelli's character's name is Van. Finally. Van calls his partner "Mystical Negro," which is so 2001, and ultimately declares the debate over, saying that only the real money will work with Sassy Blonde and the Goons (which is the name of my band). And the renegade cop who doesn't follow the rules, but still manages to avoid firing? Action Cliché #3.
Racetrack again. Sassy Blonde is still digging around in Van's pants. She expresses surprise that he waxes his ass. If she searches him every time she sees him, wouldn't she know that by now? Back at Cop Command Central, the principal from Breakfast Club is worried that Sassy Blonde will find the wire. Sassy Blonde undoes Van's fly and slides her hand into his pants. He jerks the steering wheel, sending them into a skid. When he finally comes to a stop, he declares that the Genwin Tubra LX7 has some "serious oversteer." Sassy Blonde looks disgusted. They exit the car near the partner and the two goons. Sassy Blonde completes her pat-down of Van, and walks away. Van drops the wire, which he somehow pulled out of his ass area in the last ten seconds, and kicks it under the car. Wire Listening Cop #2 tells Principal Breakfast Club that Van has gone offline. Van and Sassy Blonde argue over the price of the car. Sassy Blonde delivers a horrible line about being "bent over and doggied." Who writes this crap?
Sassy Blonde wants to see the money. The partner opens the briefcase, and Goon #1 rifles through the cash. Meanwhile, up in the press box, a sniper takes aim. Tires squeal, and everyone turns to see who is driving up. Van and his partner exchange glances. Goon #1 pulls out a gun. Van's partner pulls out two guns. Goon #2 busts out with an Uzi or similar-type weapon. ["This made me think of the Itchy and Scratchy cartoon where they keep pulling out bigger and bigger guns until they're, like, visible from space. Hee." -- Wing Chun] The sniper looks worried. Van makes sure his partner is okay, and then takes a running dive over the hood of a car. Some of the money blows out of the briefcase. Everyone with a gun starts shooting. Van hits the pavement. The partner takes out both goons. Van and his partner determine that they're both okay and have a good chuckle over how close they came to death, as you do. Then the sniper shoots the partner. Action Cliché #4 is that just when you think the partner is safe, he's killed. Van stands up and eyes Sassy Blonde, who holds her hands up to show that she wasn't the shooter. Van runs over to his partner. Sassy Blonde makes like Steve Miller, and takes the money and runs. Van (and this is important later) wipes his hand on his tank top, leaving a bloody handprint. His partner's blood. On his hands. Do you get that? The approaching cars finally arrive, which contain Principal Breakfast Club and some other cops. ["Dude, Van is going to be in Saturday detention for at least six weeks." -- Wing Chun] Van hops into a car and chases Sassy Blonde. They both reach the racetrack exit at the same time. Principal Breakfast Club gives the order to "close it down now," so White Bronco Driving Cop starts to back up in order to block the exit. Sassy Blonde makes it out in time, but Van hits the Bronco and rolls his car. Credits. So far, this show is moving too fast for me to have much time to snark. I'm sure that will change shortly.
Van paces in an entirely white room while being debriefed by Principal Breakfast Club and Shaft. No, it's really Isaac Hayes. No lie. Also, how in the hell did Van emerge completely uninjured from rolling that car? It's not like sports cars are known for their safety features. And yet, not a scratch on him. Principal Breakfast Club blames Van for the botched operation, because he went offline. Van (whose last name, we find out, is Ray) blames the backup team for not adequately clearing the stands, thus allowing the sniper to get in. Principal Breakfast Club says that his own partner is still alive. I don't know what that has to do with anything. Van tries to cringe in pain and grief, but it really looks like he just stubbed his toe. Then, Van gets so angry that he kicks a chair! Wow, he is such a man. Shaft expresses his sorrow over the loss of Van's partner, but then brings up the money Van stole from Evidence. Shaft promises that if Van recovers the money by the day and finds the sniper, all will be forgiven and his partner will get a hero's funeral. It's so wrong to say that the partner will get a cardboard casket unless Van finds the sniper and the money. Poor dead partner. Van stares at himself in the mirror, and he's all Jackie Kennedy, still wearing the bloody shirt. Shaft says that if Van hasn't found anything out by Monday, the media and the district attorney will get the story, and everyone will blame Van. As Van walks out, we see a "mysterious" (to anyone who didn't see one of the eight million ads FOX ran for the show) female figure watching him through a one-way mirror. And she smokes. So you know she's also a renegade.
Van walks out to his car, and then sees that he has locked the keys inside. He starts beating up the car, like it's the car's fault. I locked my keys in my car this past weekend. I just called AAA. Maybe undercover cops don't belong to AAA. Tiffani "Don't Call Me Amber" Thiessen strolls out and asks Van if he needs help; she then removes a long piece of metal from her hair. It's like a chopstick, but you know it's a lock pick. Also, why is Tiffani wearing eight thousand pounds of makeup? You know how sometimes you have two celebrities that are inextricably linked in your mind for some reason, and you get them confused sometimes? I have that with Tiffani Thiessen and Yasmine Bleeth. So when I first saw Tiffani, I thought, "Wow, she looks like that because she just got busted recently with crack in Detroit." But that was Yasmine Bleeth. But that’s how bad Tiffani looks. Van takes the lock pick and starts attempting to pick the lock. As the name suggests. Tiffani (and it's very tempting to call her either "Kelly" or "Val," but since I can't decide between the two, I'll stick with "Tiffani" for now) says she's had her eye on him for a while. Van asks if she's going to ask him out. Tiffani walks to the passenger side, opens the unlocked door and gets in, all while saying that Van has made a lot of mistakes in his career. Van, chagrined, pops the lock and gets in the car. Tiffani tells him that today was not his fault, but it is his problem. She says that while Van and his partner were tracking Sassy Blonde for three months, Tiffani has been tracking her for six, and she offers Van another shot at busting her. Van doesn't answer, so Tiffani hands him a business card and tells him to think about it. He looks at the card, which says, "Wilhelmina Chambers, Lieutenant, LAPD." "Wilhelmina"?
Bill Bellamy plays basketball. That's funny, because when I think Bill Bellamy, I think MTV Rock and Jock, which I always get sucked into whenever they show it. Bill's cell phone rings, and the caller is from the LAPD. Bill's character is named Deaqon Hayes. I don't know what's up with the spelling. I know, it sucks. Anyway, the LAPD guy tells Deaqon that his brother (Van's partner) was shot and killed in the line of duty.
A short plane ride later, Deaqon shows up in L.A. and goes to visit a big fat guy who I'm just going to call Tubby. I'm not one to make fun of people's physical appearance, but this guy is seriously just fat. And seems okay with that. God bless him. Tubby lays down the Death tarot card (which doesn't really mean that someone is going to die, but there have been whole books written about that so I'll leave it alone) and says he's sorry to hear about Deaqon's brother, but that Deaqon is not there for a funeral. Then Tubby lays down the Knight of Swords and the Justice card. Talk about your Mystical Negroes. Deaqon sits down and insults Tubby, but then mentions that Tubby lost weight, and they laugh together, so you know they are friends from way back. Tubby says, "I'm down five pounds, nephew!" The funniest part about that is on original viewing, I had to leave the room for a minute and missed this part, and when I got back, J-Dawg told me that Deaqon was Van's partner's nephew, not his brother. See, he's not hip to the lingo like me. And I just figured out why he got that mistaken impression. Tubby tells Deaqon that a four-man crew has been robbing people while wearing hockey goalie masks and brandishing AK-47s. The burglars take "your stash, your cash, and your cars." Tubby says that Van and his partner were buying the stolen cars to try to bust up the theft ring, but the leader of the theft ring is "ghost" -- no one know who he is or what he looks like. Deaqon asks about the fence (Sassy Blonde) and Tubby promises to introduce them, and then offers Deaqon some assistance in the weapons department. Deaqon helps himself to a gun.
Sassy Blonde meets up with Ghost on a deserted beach. The thing I love about television (and this show in particular) is that no one ever wears, like, jeans and a t-shirt. Sassy Blonde is all gussied up in a peasant dress and a black hat, while Ghost is wearing a suit. Action Movie Cliché Alert #5 is that the bad guy is always impeccably dressed. Sassy Blonde (who has the briefcase of money) tells Ghost that the cops came out of nowhere. Ghost orders Sassy Blonde to "wrap [herself] around [Van]" and find out who he is. Ghost fondles Sassy Blonde's face and says that she's not happy about his directive, but she claims that she is. He accuses her of lying, and she says with the utmost seriousness, "Nobody knows when I'm lying." And that's just one more example of the terrible clunkers these actors have to work with. Ghost rubs his thumb across her lips. Action Cliché #6 is the slightly damaged woman with ambiguous intentions.
Van lies on the pavement at the racetrack as Tiffani voice-overs some blather about looking for someone to go after the generals instead of the foot soldiers. Van sits up and calls her, and we cut to the two of them walking down a darkened alley. Van claims not to know what she's talking about. Well, that makes two of us. Tiffani walks funny. She claims to have "the ultimate backstage pass," and she uses a remote control to open a garage door. Inside are tons of fancy motorcycles and cars, among other types of loot. Tiffani tells Van that this is "the candy store," and that all of the merchandise has been recovered from criminals. Her people use the stuff to go deep undercover. She offers Van "a life of crime, 24/7," and tells him that he can't ever drop cover or flash a badge. Van looks around, and then tosses Tiffani his badge. They head into some sort of terrarium in the center of the room. It's like a greenhouse or something, with computers inside. I guess it's her office, although I can see no reason why it looks like that except to make filming easier. And to look cool. Tiffani uses her computer to create a new ID for Van as she instructs him to get back in touch with Sassy Blonde.
Van rolls up to a mansion in a flashy red car. On his way in, he bumps into Fred Durst. What the fuck? Later, he walks into a club and finds Sassy Blonde. She asks if he brought cops again, and he claims that he didn't bring them last time, and reminds her that they never closed their deal. She flashes her cooter at him (no, really) and tells him that he wrecked the car, so it's his problem. Van says that the car was for a buyer in Tokyo, and he's still interested. Sassy Blonde tells Van that there's a warrant out for his arrest. They banter some more, and Sassy Blonde wonders why Van is so chipper when his buddy just got killed. Van says that his partner was actually his porter, and goes on to further sully his partner's name. Of course, Deaqon is sitting nearby, listening to the whole thing. Action Cliché #7 is that the person looking for information always manages to be sitting in the right spot at the right time in order to overhear the crucial information. Sassy Blonde says that she needs $500,000 cash for any future business, and that he doesn't get a couple of days to come up with the money, because only cops need that kind of time. She starts to walk away, and Van asks if he's going to frisk him. She walks back and grabs his package. They both laugh, and she leaves again. A waitress walks over and hands Van an envelope. He opens it and finds a hotel-room key card and a lipstick print in place of a signature.
Van enters the hotel room and strolls out to the balcony. A gun cocks. Deaqon points a gun at Van's head, and disarms Van. Deaqon asks who shot the guy at the speedway. Van says that he wants to know the answer to that question, too. Deaqon reveals that he overheard Van's conversation with Sassy Blonde, and isn't too happy about it. Van tries to explain, but Deaqon uses a phrase that his brother used in one of the flashbacks: "Is this bedtime? Did I ask for a story?" Realization dawns on Van (for possibly the first time ever) and he turns and says, "Oh my God. You're Deaqon." Apparently, Van has never watched television before, or that would have been obvious to him from the start. Van explains about his partner, and manages to give us Deaqon's backstory at the same time. Deaqon was a gang member, so his brother beat him up, and they stopped talking about eight or nine years ago. Now, Deaqon works undercover narcotics for the NYPD. Action Cliché #8 is the former gang member who is now a cop, and uses his street smarts for the powers of good instead of evil. Deaqon still isn't sold, and Van manages to get his gun back. The two men have a bit of a standoff going on. Van drops his gun. Deaqon agrees to settle this with their fists. They punch each other at the same time and both drop to the floor. Is that really possible? Why am I worrying about that with all of the other plot impossibilities we've already seen? I don't know. Moving on. They lock back up, start fighting, and somehow manage to both go flying off the balcony and (of course) land in a pool. Action Cliché #9 is that if there is a balcony, and a pool, someone will fly off the former and land in the latter. As they surface, they find a bunch of cops with shotguns. Because the cops in L.A. have nothing better to do than just hang out poolside in case someone comes flying out of a window and lands in the pool. Okay, I know there was a warrant out for Van's arrest, but why were the cops waiting for him by the pool instead of in, say, the hallway outside the hotel room? I don't know.
Van and Deaqon, handcuffed, are led into a holding cell. Van tells Deaqon to "get his game face on" because he's "the new bitch on the bars" and "this is the West Si-eed, yo! The West Si-eed!" I get the feeling that line of dialogue required a lot of takes, because I don't know how Bill Bellamy didn't just bust out laughing in Facinelli's face. He is the whitest white that ever whited. They enter their cell and find a bunch of big black guys starting at them. I normally wouldn't mention the race of a character, because who cares, but I think this was supposed to be "funny" and we're supposed to assume that Van couldn't possibly know these guys because he's...you know, white. All of the guys rush towards Van saying, "I'm gonna get some of that." Cut to the prisoners crouched down and apparently beating on Van. Except, in Action Cliché #10, they're not. Because the renegade detective has heretofore unrevealed connections in unlikely places. Turns out they are all making bets on who can name songs from '80s New Wave artists like Kajagoogoo and Duran Duran. Van gets one of the prisoners to name three singles from Duran Duran. Who can't name three singles from Duran Duran? Girl, please. I wasn't even a Durannie and I can do that, because I was alive in the '80s. I will give props to the writers because not one of the singles mentioned was "Hungry Like the Wolf." A cop appears to let them know that they've been bailed out.
Tiffani (okay, fine, I'll call her Billie, but just know that it's being done under duress -- and because "Billie" is fewer letters to type than "Tiffani") has bailed them out. Billie is wearing a man's suit, complete with tie and shit. She bitches Deaqon out for not notifying his boss he was coming out, not notifying the LAPD he was in town, acquiring a stolen weapon, and looking for "street justice." Deaqon wonders why Billie hasn't sent him home, and Billie replies that she wants to hear what he knows. Deaqon says that the Genwin Tubra LX7 Van flipped was once owned by a criminal. Van and Billie exchange a look, and luckily at this point in the conversation, they happen to be standing right outside the doors to the candy store. I wish it were a real candy store. Like with candy. That would be more exciting to me than those stupid cars. Billie opens the doors and they enter. Billie says that Van's car was legally registered to John Eric Stakowski. Van sighs and says, "Papa John Stump." Deaqon wonders what he's talking about. Van asks Billie if Deaqon can be assigned to the candy store so that he can head up the investigation into Papa John Stump; Van wants to watch. Action Cliché #11: the new partners are antagonistic and enjoy setting each other up for trouble as some sort of testosterone-fueled test.
Cut to Deaqon and Van entering a roadhouse to the strains of "Cat Scratch Fever" by Ted Nugent. Sadly, there is a bar in my hometown called the Roadhouse that looks like this, and has a similar soundtrack. But the one in my hometown is not meant for camp value. Anyway. The roadhouse is filled with white dudes in cowboy hats. As they enter, Deaqon barely misses being hit by an airborne beer bottle. Action Cliché #12 is fast approaching: the protagonist wins over a crowd full of people with whom he has nothing in common, using music. Deaqon strolls onto the dance floor and borrows some dude's cowboy hat. Deaqon starts doing a line dance. Everyone stops and watches, instead of what would really happen, which is that one of the guys would yell out, "Fag!" and then they would beat him up. Instead, two women (who happen to be dressed in identical Daisy Mae red gingham shirts) join him on the dance floor and imitate his dance. Did I suddenly stumble onto a twisted version of Can't Buy Me Love? There is the obligatory shot of an old tattooed biker dude grooving along to the music, and a boozy floozy wearing a leopard-skin top hooting and clapping. Two more Daisy Maes join in on Deaqon's dance. I think that this point, I would be more worried about the fact that all of the young women in the bar dress alike. Have Van and Deaqon discovered some Village of the Redneck Damned?
The music stops and in Action Cliché #13 (although this one is not limited to action movies) the crowd parts to reveal just the guy our heroes came there to find, who says, "I'm going to have to burn that dance floor." Deaqon greets Papa John, who doesn't seem too happy about it. Deaqon tosses Papa John the skull that used to be on the gearshift of the Genwin Tubra LX7 and says that it's the only surviving piece of the car. Deaqon claims that the same theft ring that stole Papa John's car also stole from Deaqon. Cut to the security tape of the guys with hockey masks ripping off Papa John's place. Papa John, having been won over, says that he thought it was an inside job because the crooks knew where all the loot was.
Van calls Sassy Blonde and lets her know that he's got her cash and he needs a car. She knocks on the door of his hotel room. This whole scene is cut with flashes of Van and Sassy Blonde getting it on. It's quite graphic, actually. I'm surprised those scenes made it past the censors. Then again, it's FOX. First they discuss business, and then they discuss their relationship. Throughout, Van doesn't bother wearing a shirt, and I, for one, am not complaining about that. Out on the balcony, Sassy Blonde says that she saw Van's face when "that guy at the track" got shot, and she knows that they were friends. Van doesn't answer. Sassy Blonde says that they are both lying to each other, and that the only truth there is the money. Then they start making out and it's all soft core porn from there. I'm not going to give you a blow-by-blow of that part. Except to say that while they are kissing, Sassy Blonde keeps saying that someday she's going to be somebody different, like, less talking and more sex, please. Because God knows Sassy Blonde's not going to win any acting awards, but these two sure are pretty. One flash reveals that Sassy Blonde has a tattoo that says "Cassidy" on her lower back. Also, I saw Peter Facinelli's butt. When they're done, Van watches a hundred-dollar bill burn to a candle. What the? Grab that thing! Blow out the fire! These people have messed-up priorities. Oh, and Action Cliché #14 is that the renegade cop gets mixed up with the slightly damaged woman with ambiguous intentions.
The day, Van and Deaqon sit in a car and watch Cassidy (formerly Sassy Blonde) walk on the beach, carrying the briefcase, and wearing a Juicy Couture sweatsuit just like J Lo had on in the last issue of InStyle. Deaqon complains that he's bored, and Van ignores him. Deaqon bitches about the surfers in the waves, and Van talks about how he taught his partner to surf. This turns into an argument over who knew Van's partner better. Deaqon yells that his brother was inflexible and would never change. Van says that his partner cared about Deaqon, and kept track of what he was doing in New York. Their little heart-to-heart is interrupted when Cassidy meets up with Mr. Suit on the beach. Cassidy tells Mr. Suit that this will be the last time they meet for a while. Mr. Suit asks if she's quitting and Cassidy says she's just taking a break. Mr. Suit punches Cassidy in the gut and she drops to the ground. Deaqon holds Van back from running out to help her, reminding him that Cassidy is the mark. Mr. Suit tells Cassidy not to forget that he found her "cooking meth in a basement, doing [her] three-hundred-pound parole officer." He asks if she wants to go back to that, then kicks her around a few more times for good measure. He stalks off with the briefcase while Cassidy cowers on the ground. Van watches helplessly. Deaqon takes pictures. For evidence, I'm assuming, not his own personal collection.
Mr. Suit gets into his car and takes off. Van waits a minute, then follows. Van and Deaqon are in some sort of bright green American-made muscle car, like that wouldn't be noticeable. It's the only other car in the parking lot. Good one. They follow Mr. Suit to some sort of shack. As he pulls up, a bunch of cop cars surround him. Mr. Suit gets out of his car and pulls on a jacket that says DEA on the back. See, he's a DEA agent. Okay, that was the one moment in this episode that honestly surprised me. Good job, writers. Although for most of the rest of the show, I didn't know what the hell was going on, so I couldn't really be surprised. Van and Deaqon look on in amazement as Mr. Suit leads his fellow DEA agents on a bust.
Back at the candy store, Billie uses one of those magical TV computers that lets the data just float around on the screen without the use of a mouse or keyboard. Van backstories that Mr. Suit is actually Special Agent Adam Kane, and that he uses DEA manpower to steal from criminals, because they will never call the cops. Deaqon adds that Billie already knows all of this, and she admits that he's right. Van wonders how he's supposed to do his job if he doesn't know the full picture. Man, Peter Facinelli sounds just like Tom Cruise. I know that's not an original comparison, but it's an apt one. Billie says that she wanted Van to be led by the facts, because while she suspected Kane was behind the theft ring, she couldn't prove it. Deaqon thinks Billie is being smart. I think Billie wearing way too much red lipstick. Billie tells Deaqon that he obviously wants Kane, since Kane was behind his brother's death. Deaqon is in.
Billie appears in split screen and gives a voice-over while we see what she is describing acted out. She says that Deaqon will rent a house for cash, take possession of the car Van ordered from Cassidy, and begin hanging out with his old gang members (including Tubby). While Deaqon hangs out in his new crib, Kane takes surveillance photos. Back at the candy store, Billie hands Deaqon a pager and tells him that if he hits the star key, a SWAT team will be at his door in five minutes. Five minutes? A lot could happen in five minutes. Billie says that she wants Cassidy, too. Van and Deaqon are silent. Billie, cigarette hanging from her mouth, asks what the problem is. Van points out that Cassidy already has two strikes, so she will do anything to avoid getting arrested a third time. Billie promises to cut the deal herself to get Cassidy to testify. Van gets all pissy and tells Billie that he's taking. It. Personally.
Van walks into his hotel room to find that it's been tossed. He pulls a gun and sweeps the area, only to find Cassidy sitting amongst the rubble. She says that she figured she should wait so he would know who tossed the room. She looks up, showing the bruises on her face to maximum avail. It's nice that Kane didn't hit her in her perfect nose or glossy lips, so she can still look pretty while playing the victim. Cassidy asks Van again if he's a cop, adding that if he is, she's dead. Oh, the drama.
Deaqon and Van talk in the candy store. Deaqon says that Van and Cassidy are playing each other. She doesn't know Van's a cop, and Van doesn't know what Cassidy's true intentions are. Deaqon adds that Cassidy could be with Kane, or she could be playing him, too. The bottom line for Deaqon is that Cassidy is working with Kane, and Kane had his brother killed. Van and Deaqon reminisce about Van's partner, and how pissed he would be if he knew what they were doing now. Van admits that his partner's death was his fault. Deaqon says he doesn't like Van, but he knows Van is "good people" who loved his brother. Action Cliché #15 is the two cops who don't like each other setting aside their differences and teaming up for a common cause, but don't think they are going to be friends.
Oh, dear. I'm not sure if this is a Miami Vice homage or just a quirky music choice, but Phil Collins is singing "In the Air Tonight." Remember all those rumors about how Phil Collins saw some dude refuse to help a drowning victim, so then he invited the guy to one of his concerts and played this song to him? I can't believe I really used to think that was true in junior high. That story has about as many logic holes as this episode. Anyway. Cassidy and Kane meet again on the beach. Cassidy tells Kane that Van has money and wants a car. Kane orders Cassidy to pick up Van and deliver him to Kane there, at the beach. If everything goes smoothly, Van will get his car. But if not.... Cassidy kisses Kane before he can finish that sentence. Cut to Cassidy and Van driving through the night toward the beach. Cassidy suggests that they skip the meeting and just keep driving somewhere and start their lives over. Van says that he needs the deal, but then he'll go wherever she wants. Cassidy says that he needs to work on his lying. The actress playing Cassidy is really terrible. It doesn't help that she's given such awful dialogue, but she's supposed to sound all hurt that Van won't run away with her, and instead she sounds like she's mildly disappointed that she ran out of her favorite cereal and has to eat the J.V. cereal.
The camera pans down a line of SWAT team members, armed and ready to help Deaqon. The last one is Billie. Hee! Who thought it would be a good idea to put Kelly Kapowski in military gear? Meanwhile, a party is going on at Deaqon's pad. "Me So Horny" by 2 Live Crew plays. Wow, I just had about a thousand high-school flashbacks, and none of them was positive. Tubby tells Deaqon that they need more champagne, so he heads to the kitchen and pulls another bottle out of the fridge. When he closes the fridge, he gets clocked in the head with a gun, which is held by a hockey-mask-wearing Kane. As he falls, his pager slides across the floor, out of reach. The hockey-mask crew orders the partygoers to the floor. Kane uses plastic handcuffs to tie Deaqon's hands behind his back. Billie waits anxiously with the SWAT team. Van rides with Cassidy to meet Kane. How is Kane going to meet them if he's busy robbing Deaqon? I don't know.
Deaqon regains consciousness and finds himself on the kitchen floor in a pool of blood, his pager out of reach. He peeks over the counter and catches Tubby's eye. Tubby takes the cue and starts creating a distraction by bitching about the robbery and insulting the burglars. Deaqon turns on a burner on the stove and holds his hands to the flame (good thing it's a gas stove) in order to melt the plastic and free his hands. Okay, I don't believe that his sleeve wouldn't have caught fire. Deaqon reaches the pager and hits the star button. The burglars see that he's free and open fire. The SWAT team launches into action, and I've never seen anything sillier than Tiffani Thiessen hopping out of the back of the van holding a gun. Kane takes off his mask, like we're supposed to be surprised that he's one of the burglars. He runs up to the roof, chasing Deaqon. As the SWAT team enters the house, Kane jumps down to the ground and gets in an SUV with a trailer behind it. Inside the trailer is the car that started this whole mess. Deaqon hops down and manages to grab onto the trailer just as Kane pulls out, and he hops inside.
At the beach, the sun is rising. Van and Cassidy wait for Kane to arrive. Van dressed for the occasion, wearing leather pants and a brown sweater. I know when I'm working undercover to nail the guy who shot my partner, I always wear leather pants. Inside the trailer, Deaqon turns on a light so that we can see the painful burn on his wrist. But his clothes are scorch-free. It must have been that special kind of fire that burns flesh but not fabric. Deaqon takes off his jacket for no apparent reason. That's about to become a trend. On the beach, Cassidy takes off her jacket, and Van removes his sweater. So now he's just wearing the leather pants. That was the saddest excuse to show Facinelli shirtless yet. Kane approaches the beach doing, like, a hundred miles per hour and gritting his teeth. Van realizes that there's something going on; he tosses Cassidy aside, then pulls his gun and starts shooting at Kane through the windshield. Van is the worst shot, ever. He fires six or seven times, and not one of the bullets hits Kane. Inside the trailer, Deaqon hangs on for dear life. At the last minute, Van dives aside to avoid the truck. Kane swerves and flips the truck. Van runs down to where the truck has landed and does a ninja roll for no apparent reason. It's like in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back when Jay and Bob were trying to break into the animal lab. By the time Van gets to the truck, Kane is not only completely uninjured, but he's managed to get out of the truck (which is, I remind you, upside down) and has sufficiently recovered to clock Van with his gun. Van lies on the sand while Kane stands over him. Of course, since Kane isn't hurt, Deaqon must not be either, even though he was inside a trailer that rolled a few times. Deaqon runs up and clocks Kane from behind, then trains a gun on him. What follows is Action Cliché #16, where one cop (Van) tries to talk his partner out of pulling the trigger out of anger or for revenge. This is immediately followed by Action Cliché #17, where someone else (Cassidy) shoots the bad guy even though you kind of forgot she was there. Cassidy drops her gun in the sand and tells Van that he's a better liar than she thought. What's with her obsession with lying? She takes out her car keys and starts to toss them to Van. Deaqon reaches out and catches them in midair, then hands them back to Cassidy and tells her to get out of there. She gives them a grateful look and takes off.
Van tells Deaqon that what he did was "pretty cool," but now they have to walk. Thus begins Action Cliché #18, where the partners, having escaped a tense and life-threatening moment, immediately start joking around to show that they are not scared. And also that even though they said earlier that they weren't going to be friends, now they are starting to rethink that position. Van thinks that Cassidy is a better person because of him. Deaqon doubts it, and Van calls him "Mystical Negro." You see? Because Deaqon has now fully replaced his brother in Van's life. The dude's only been dead for, like, three days! That's just cold.
Van leads Principal Breakfast Club and Shaft to Kane's lair and gives them the briefcase full of money, thus fulfilling his obligations. Billie tells him that she knows about the girl, and they have some paperwork to fake. Van and Deaqon walk off in slow motion. Back at Deaqon's rented house, Tubby walks out the door, glances down at his handcuffed wrists, and says, "Damn! That party was off the hook!" If anyone on this show ever says "Now that's wack!," I'm quitting.
week: Deaqon and Van hunt down an all-girl motorcycle gang while cracking jokes.