Props to Allison, who offered wise and witty commentary, even though she pressured me for hours to "Hurry up so we can go have drinks, slow ASS."
We open at the Brown House. Madison "Still Bucky After All These Years" Poppins is helping with dinner. Delia asks her if she's going to be famous, and make music videos, and "Pepsi commercials and stuff." Madison says it's a little early to be thinking about that, since she doesn't even know if the band manager coming to watch their "gig" will like the "band." She says that "Jay" found the manager, and Ephram says to make sure he's a real manager. Madison gives him the stink-eye, and says the manager discovered Toad the Wet Sprocket and lots of other college bands, okay? Toad the Wet Sprocket, huh? Big time. Delia says she'll go to the show and charm all the grown-ups, but Madison says it's illegal for her to get in. On that note, she asks Ephram how he thinks he's going to the show. Ephram says he'll find a way.
Treat walks in and tells Ephram, "We've got a situation here. I just got your report card." Delia and Madison immediately take off. Heh. Ephram's all, "I know, D in Spanish, right? Guess you'll need my car keys. I've also talked to the teacher about extra credit and lined up a tutor. His name's Senor El Gato. Sorry, Dad." Treat is speechless, like, "But I wanted to yell! And ground! You ruined it!" What he actually says is, "Unbelievable."
Cut to Bright, who echoes, "Unbelievable." He's just opened the mail, and yells for his dad. Aw, yay for Bright! He hands Patch his report card, and it's mostly As and Bs. Patch is so excited. He shows Rose, and she gets all excited, too. Bright says, "I gotta call Lori Hudson! Little Miss I'm Too Good To Date A Dumb Jock Like You. She's gonna have to find another reason not to go out with me." Hee. Rose says she's going to bake a cake, so they can celebrate. Aw. Bright goes off, and Patch opens the rest of the mail, which contains Amy's report card, which is mostly Ds and Fs. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Credits.
High school library. Bright is modeling glasses for Ephram. "These are cool. I mean, they look good, but do they say, 'I'm a genius'?" Ephram says they don't speak. Bright: "Hey, less lip, more conjugating, or El Gato here isn't going to sign off on those tutorials." Heh. Ephram reminds Bright that he's not really his Spanish tutor. Bright says he sure could be, because Ephram's looking at a man who got three As. Ephram gives Bright a look. Bright: "What's wrong, hangdog? Why does there always have to be drama in the world of Ephram?" Ephram's sad because he doesn't know how to get into Madison's…gig. Ephram observes that he can go to the supermarket, where they also have liquor, but not a bar, and it's not fair. Aw, such a hard life. Have a wah-mburger and some French cries. Bright says he knows exactly how to fix this little problem of Ephram's, and to meet him there the day after sixth period. Ephram gets all happy, and leaves just as Amy is walking over to talk to Bright.
Amy sits down and asks Bright if Ephram was skipping class. Bright: "Having sex with a rock goddess tends to have that effect on a guy." Amy: "They're sleeping together?" Bright: "What'd you think they were doing this whole time, playing Solitaire? Or…some other two-person card game?" Hee hee. Why is it that, the dumber Bright acts, the hotter he gets? Amy says she needs Bright to do her a favor, and get her report card out of the mail before their parents see it. Bright tells Amy that it's too late, they already saw it. He tells his sister, "I believe this is what they call karma. Learn it, live it, love it." Hey, didn't Sars invent that phrase?
Diner. Treat is bitching to Nina about Ephram's pre-emptive strike. Nina says he should be happy that Ephram's acting so responsible, but Treat's all, "He stole my thunder!" He says he decided to beat Ephram at his own game, so he took the car keys and threw them right back in his face. Nina: "Nice. Maybe time you can raise his allowance." They then discuss their shared-parenting schedules, and Nina asks Treat where he and Rinda are going that weekend, so she can live vicariously. Treat says it's no big deal, just dinner and a movie. Nina tells Treat that it's nice to see him happy. Aw, she looooves him. A customer is ready to pay, and Nina goes over to take care of it. As he's leaving, the man hands Nina some papers. Girl, you got served! Nina looks at the papers, and tells Treat that they're from Shutup Carl -- he's filed for divorce.
Amy and Eyebrows in her room at Edna's house. Amy is pitching a fit because she got told by Bright earlier in the day. Amy tells Eyebrows about her bad grades, and that her parents are probably sitting at home laughing about how they were right. Eyebrows is all, "Come here and lie on the bed with me, baby. We can do whatever you want this weekend to make you feel better, even ice skating, because I'm a smarmy loser." We pause on this loving teenage romance to ask the following question: "What the hell are these two children doing lying in bed together?" Actually, Allison asked that question, and here is her follow-up statement: "Teenagers do not have this kind of relationship. I remember being a teenager, and I know what it's like, and it ain't like this." Eyebrows then remembers that he has a party to go to, and he just has to go, and she can go with him so he can "show her off" to all his friends. Then they snuggle in the bed. PUKE.
Cut to Madison's band practice. Jay is playing some shit-ass solo, and the drummer looks like he is about to break the set with his bare hands. Madison just stands there, because she has nothing else to do. Ephram walks in, and Jay's all, "Man! What the hell?" Ephram tries to get all up in Jay's grill, and Madison informs him that they are extending practice this week, and nobody can watch. Ephram gets all pouty, tells Madison he'll see her later, and leaves the practice of the worst band in Everwood. Commercials.
We come back to Nina's attorney's office. Treat is with Nina for no apparent reason. Nina says she doesn't care what Carl gets, she just wants the divorce to be over with, and that custody issues shouldn't have to be complicated. The lawyer, who shall be henceforth known as Man-Hating Shrew, Esq., tells Nina that it's a divorce, and of course it's complicated, and Nina should take Shutup Carl for all he's got. She says she needs a glass of water, and leaves Treat and Nina alone for a minute to talk it over. Treat tells Nina that she doesn't have to accept whatever standard minimum crap that Shutup Carl is offering, because she deserves much more. Nina tears up, as we all realize that perhaps Treat is more invested in this relationship than he needs to be.
Cut to the guidance counselor's office at the high school, where Patch and Rose are waiting for Amy. She walks in and asks where Edna is. Patch tells her that Edna asked them to step in. Guidance Counselor asks who usually attends these types of meetings. Amy says, "I don't usually have these types of meetings. Do I, Dad?" Patch: "You don't." Rose tells Amy she looks thin, and Amy's all, "Can we just get this over with?" Shut up, Amy. Guidance Counselor lays out the options for Amy, and tells her to drop the classes she's failing, attend summer school, and she may be able to dig herself out of the hole she's in. Rose asks what else they can do, and we cut to Amy busting out of the office, continuing her bratty little "Why do we have to keep doing this? Why doesn't anyone understand me? Why won't the stylists brush my hair?" tirade. Rose tells her daughter that all she wants Amy to know is that they're going to be there for her, no matter what. Amy stomps off in her ass-crack jeans. Patch hugs Rose and tells her it will be all right. Sigh.
Bright and Ephram arrive at "Ada's Yarn Shop." Ephram wants to know if Ada is going to knit him a fake ID. Bright says, "First of all, Ada's hot," and leads Ephram inside. Ada is, indeed, hot. Bright asks Ada for a certain kind of yarn, and she tells the boys to flip the sign to "Closed." She leads them to a back room, which is full of computers and cameras and secret passageways. An armoire opens to reveal a blue screen, and she tells Ephram to have a seat. Allison would like the world to know that this is not how one gets a fake ID. Your fake ID should be from your best friend's cousin's ex-boyfriend, and you should be sixty years old, a foot shorter than you actually are, and of a different race and/or gender. Ada's shop is far too convenient for real life. Ada shoots Ephram's picture, and tells him that his ID will be ready in an hour, and to bring $75 back with him. She also informs the boys that she has a Benz out back, and yarn doesn't even begin to cover her gas. Bright tells Ephram, "I love her."
Brown House. Treat's on the phone as Rinda arrives with a bag of groceries. When he gets off (DIRTY!), she asks him what that was all about. He tells Rinda that he was on the phone with one of his New York attorney friends, talking about Nina's divorce. Treat says he's trying to save Nina from herself, and Rinda comments that maybe Nina just wants to get on with her life. He also reveals that he's paying for Nina's legal counsel, and Rinda does not seem to be pleased with this, although she says nothing.
Cut to Madison's house, where the girl with the teeth is trying to pick out an outfit for her show. Ephram approves a very ugly pleated mini-skirt, then shows Madison his fake ID. She gets all worried that he's going to get in trouble. Ephram immediately thinks that Madison's hesitance about him attending the show is because of Jay. Then he passive-aggressively offers not to go. Madison says of course she wants him there, so he immediately recants and says he will see her at nine. Allison would like to say, "Whatever."
Amy and Eyebrows arrive at the Monthly Drug Dealers' Convention, which consists of a bunch of guys in hoodies standing around a hotel parking lot. Eyebrows tells her that the hotel is abandoned, and some geniuses got the idea to use it for a monthly progressive party, where each hotel room has a different kind of drink. They walk in, and it's all drunk people, all the time. Amy: "So I guess you're drinking again?" Eyebrows: "It's a party, baby, what're you gonna do?" I don't know…not drink? Amy says she can't drink because of PROZAC, and Eyebrows says he only told her that actual documented medical evidence because he wanted her to think that he cared. In Amy's eyes, we see a tiny spark of asshole recognition. Eyebrows tells Amy that she'll be fine, then calls her "Baby" about one hundred more times, when even one was too many. He tells her, "Tonight is about us," and gives her the biggest shot of vodka this side of the Mississippi. Amy downs the shot, and gags, because she's a teenager and it's straight vodka. Eyebrows pretends to be concerned, downs his own shot, and hugs her. Commercials.
When we come back, we're at Madison's "show." As Madison's band "plays" and she "sings," Allison bows her head to commemorate the death of rock and roll. Ephram overhears some frat boys talking about how hot Madison is, and how they might want to smack that up. Hee. ["And where's their frat, anyway -- the Braille Institute?" -- Sars] Ephram attempts to get in their faces until he sees how much bigger they are. He slowly backs away until he hits the bar, and asks for a drink. We would like to remind you all that this song is not only not a song, but if it were, it would be the worst song in the history of songs.
Cut to Treat's. Rinda is sort of pouting on the couch. Treat clearly doesn't get it, and tells her that they don't have to have some drinks, make a fire, and then get it on, if she's tired. Rinda tells Treat that she's not tired, she was just thinking about Nina. Treat, still not getting it, says that he can't stop thinking about Nina, either, what she must be going through. Unbeknownst to Treat, this is about the wrongest thing he could say. Rinda, although she would just like to kick his ass and be done with it, finally comes clean in a very positive way. She tells Treat that she's "confused" by his and Nina's friendship. Treat is kind of a smartass, saying, "Is there a book somewhere that could explain it?" One wonders why he would be so defensive about his -- quote -- innocent feelings for Nina. Rinda asks him not to be sarcastic. Treat apologizes, and says it seems very clear to him that Nina just needs a friend to see her through her divorce. Rinda's main concern is that Treat is acting like Nina's "pseudo-husband," and it will only be harder for her when she realizes she's alone. Treat says it ain't like that. Rinda disagrees, and says that she's just uncomfortable with the situation. Treat: "I understand that, and I'm sorry. But you're just going to have to get over it. This is all in your head, and I'm not going to apologize for a friendship which I cherish." Rinda asks what if Nina's feelings grow. Treat says that's not what they're about. Rinda: "The fact that it bothers me means nothing to you?" Treat: "Well, I've gotten over a lot of stuff to be with you, Linda, much bigger than this." Oh, Treat, I know you di'in't. But he did, and Rinda rises from her seat. She says, "Good night, Andy." Treat knows that he has fucked up mightily, because he doesn't even try to stop her.
Back at the party, Amy Abbott is drunk on Prozac and vodka. Eyebrows leads her to an empty room, where he will slip her a roofie and date-rape her. She realizes that Eyebrows is also loaded, and asks what he's on. He holds up a bottle of water. Amy's all, "Water. You're on water." Eyebrows explains that it's not your standard bottle of Ozarka, but water laced with GHB. Amy, who doesn't seem concerned in the least that her crackhead boyfriend is doing the drugs that he promised just last week not to do, asks what it's like. He makes some really queer comparisons, such as "it's like velvet," and "it's like the air is giving your skin a massage." Unfortunately, Amy Abbott does not say, "You are a giant tool," but asks if she can have some. Eyebrows pretends that he cares, and sips most of the bottle himself before handing it to Amy. She drinks it, because she has obviously gone retarded.
Cut to the bar. Madison and her "band" finish their last "song." As Madison leaves the stage, the manager greets them. He congratulates them, and Ephram sees his chance to act a fool. He's drunk off his ass. Madison tells him that he can't go to the "meeting" with the "manager." Ephram gets belligerent, asking Madison why he always has to feel like he's begging with her. Jay steps up and tells him to get his high-school self gone. Madison rolls her eyes and tries to look concerned. Ephram acts like he's going to leave, then turns around and sucker-punches Jay. Jay tackles Ephram, who proceeds to get his ass kicked. Dumb kid.
Back to Amy at the party, who is high as several kites. The camera does the traditional "teenager on drugs" 3-D triplicate effect. Amy stumbles around the hotel, until she sees someone she thinks she recognizes. She follows him, but he's not there anymore. She turns around, and there stands Colin. Colin! He tells her to stop following him. Amy says, "You left me. I loved you." Aw. Colin tells Amy that he wants her to leave him alone, and go. Amy: "Where am I supposed to go? I failed school, Colin. I failed my brother, I failed my parents, I failed you. Where do you want me to go? I don't even know where to start." Colin: "You start by saying goodbye." Amy says she can't. Colin tells her, "Yes you can." Amy looks at the GHB-fueled hallucination of her dead boyfriend and says, "Goodbye." Amy cries, and walks back to the room where she and Eyebrows partook of the dope. Eyebrows is "asleep" on the bed. Amy tries to wake him up, but can't. And with this dramatic scene, we go to commercials.
Amy finds someone in the hall and tells him that she needs help, that her boyfriend won't wake up, and she needs an ambulance. The kid, who clearly doesn't give a damn, says that she can't call an ambulance, because then the cops would come and they'd all get busted. Then he's all, "Aren't you Callahan's girl?" Amy says, "I need to use your phone." He tells to forget it, and walks off. Amy returns to the Room of Sadness, where Eyebrows is still passed out on the bed. She gets his phone out of his jacket, and dials. "Hello? I need help."
Cut to the police station, where Treat has gone to retrieve his errant boy. Ephram sits in a chair, sporting a nice black eye. Treat asks Ephram if he's okay, which is about a hundred times nicer than my parents would have been if I'd gotten a fake ID, gone to a bar, gotten wasted, started a fight, and been arrested. But maybe that's just my parents. Treat leads Ephram outside, where Madison is waiting for them. Treat tells Ephram that he'll be in the car, and Ephram goes over to talk to Bucky. She is teary-eyed, and he is apologetic. Ephram says he never meant to ruin her big night, but he just loooooves her and wanted to be there. Madison says she just doesn't know what's happening anymore, that their relationship has progressed much faster than she thought it would. She stutters a lot and says that she wasn't planning on it being so serious. Ephram, who is trying to be a man, says, "With anybody, or just me?" Madison is silent, but her expression says, "Just you." Ephram, getting a little teary-eyed himself, tells her that she should go, and asks if they can talk the day. Madison says they can, and I am trying very hard to hate her, but she's really pretty good in this scene. As she leaves, Ephram tells her, "You were amazing tonight." If "amazing" means "dressing up in fishnet stockings and a pleated mini-skirt and singing the worst song ever," then I guess she was.
When the Brown men get home, Treat asks Ephram if he was drinking. Ephram says he was. Treat: "Could you drive?" Ephram: "No. And I wasn't going to, I swear." Ephram tells his dad that whatever punishment he was thinking of, he can double it, because he deserves it. Treat says that Ephram is through administering his own punishment; he's got it from here. Then he makes up the dumbest parenting rule ever, telling Ephram that they each get one free pass a year, and this is his. However, Treat says, Ephram has to tell him about what happened, and what's going on with Madison. Ephram fesses up that he used a fake ID, got drunk, started a fight, and made a fool of himself. Treat: "Did you think she'd like you better if you went?" Ephram says he thought so, and everything he does to bring Madison closer just pushes her further and further away. "This is definitely one of those moments it sucks that Mom's not here. No offense." Aw. Treat replies, "None taken." Ephram says that if his mom were there, he could ask her what he was doing wrong. Treat pats his son on the shoulder and tells him that he understands.
Hotel party. Someone walks through the crowd with a doctor's bag. It's Patch Abbott to the rescue. And, yay! Patch finds Amy in the room with the still-prone Eyebrows. Amy says, "Daddy!" and runs over to hug him. Sniff. Patch hugs her back, asks Amy if she's okay, and if she's on something. Amy confesses that she did a little GHB, but Eyebrows did a lot more. Patch asks Amy if he was twitching or seizing, while taking off his coat to get down to business. Amy says she doesn't know. Patch asks Amy to hand him his bag, which she does. Patch reaches into his bag, and starts to check out Eyebrows. And without even Irv to offer us words of consolation or wisdom, we fade to black.