We open at Edna and Irv's house. Patch carries a ton of Amy's stuff outside and loads it into the car. Irv voice-overs, "Sometimes we don't know our own strength. It can be hard to tell just how much weight you can safely bear, or how much will crush you. I'd like to think you can shoulder as big a burden as you think you can; that it's all a matter of will." Patch can't believe that Amy has accumulated so much crap after only three months away from home. Irv helps Patch load the last of Amy's bags into the car.
Edna and Amy walk outside together. Edna tells Amy, "Well, Private...been a hell of a ride." They hug tearfully. Aw, although I'm sure Edna is crying tears of joy, knowing she'll finally have her damn house back. Amy tells Irv that he knows he'll miss her (he fakes this emotion), and hugs him. She tells her grandparents, "And I'm serious about the TiVo; you can't be VCR people forever." Heh. Edna and Irv laugh all, "Ti-what? Please leave now." As Amy turns to go, who should walk up but Tommy "I Went To Rehab and All I Got Were These Bushy Eyebrows" Callahan. He addresses Patch: "I don't expect you to forgive me, or even like me, but I hope you can accept a 'thank you.' You saved my life." Patch answers, "Actually, it was my daughter who saved your life. All I did was show up." Amy, Edna, and Irv are in the background during this conversation, each shooting Eyebrows their very best evil eyes. Patch walks over to Amy and tells her to make it quick. The grown-ups go back inside to figure out how they can kill Tommy without anyone knowing.
Tommy gives Amy sad-addict eyes and says, "It's been two days. Didn't you want to call and make sure I was okay?" Amy says she called the hospital and found out he'd been released, so she figured he was fine. Eyebrows asks her if she was going to leave a forwarding address or just make a clean getaway. Amy: "I'm just going home." Aw. Eyebrows says he'll call her later, then, after she's had a little while to get settled in. Amy tells him not to bother. Yay! Tommy can't believe Amy's dumping him; he says he knows he screwed up, blah blah, but overdosing has been such "a serious wake-up call for me." Good Lord. Amy doesn't fall for it, saying, "I'm glad. I hope you get the help that you need." Eyebrows says he doesn't need help, he needs her. Amy says she can't be that person for him anymore. Tommy: "So, what? I'm not good enough for you anymore? You going to go back to Mommy and Daddy? Go back to being Little Miss Perfect? Well, you can't." Shut up, crackhead. Amy, once again, doesn't take the bait. "I gotta go. Take care of yourself, Tommy." Oh, Amy Abbott. I've never been more proud. Amy walks to the car with her head high. Irv finishes, "Other times it's hard to remember you had any strength at all, then you can only hope to have someone to remind you you were once fierce and able." Patch walks out and asks Amy if she's okay. She says she's fine. Patch pats her arm. "Let's go home." Sniff. Credits.
We come back to some kind of kids' fun game...thing. Chuck E. Cheese? I went to a party there once, and some little bitch stole my coupons away. Treat and Nina are there with Sam. Sam whines that he's bored. Nina tells Treat that she's really nervous about seeing Shutup Carl again, and that he's late, so maybe he's not coming. Sam says he has to go to the bathroom, so Treat volunteers to take him. Nina turns around, and there's Shutup Carl. He tells Nina she looks good. Nina: "So is that it? You have nothing else to say to me?" Shutup Carl tells Nina, "Don't. This is hard enough." Nina tells him he has no idea how hard it is. Sam runs back from the shortest trip to the bathroom ever, yelling, "Daddy's here! Daddy's here!" Kid needs Ritalin, NOW. Nina hands over Sam's bag, and Shutup Carl leaves with Sam. Nina looks heartbroken. I would be too, if I had to deal with that kid all day long.
Cut to Bright (eeeeee!) and Ephram, shooting basketball in the Abbotts' back yard. Well, Ephram doesn't so much shoot basketball as watch Bright look hot doing it. They're talking about Madison, and how Ephram is worried that she's going to break up with him. Bright says that Ephram could always break up with her first, even though he'll miss out on a lot of pity sex. "But...sometimes your pride comes before your 'nads." Hee. Ephram says he doesn't want to break up with her, he just wants to fix things. Bright: "You tackled her guitarist, and got kicked out of the first club that ever gave her a paying gig -- I don't think God could fix this." Ephram is not pleased.
Amy walks out, lugging a weight bench. Bright tells Ephram he'll see him later, and heads inside. Amy: "You can't keep avoiding me, Bright. Our rooms are like two feet away from each other." Bright ignores her. Amy rolls her eyes a lot. She tells Ephram that Bright was using her room as a gym. Heh. You snooze, you lose, Abbott. Ephram tells her that everything will get back to normal soon enough. Amy tells Ephram that she and Eyebrows broke up. Ephram nearly gives himself whiplash, wheeling around all, "You did?" He asks if she's okay. Amy says she is, that she kind of saw it coming, with the whole overdose thing and all. She asks how he and Madison are doing. Ephram: "Good, good. She's been busy with the band, but other than that, real good." Liar. Amy says she's glad at least one of them made a relationship work, and goes back to hauling Bright's weight equipment. Aw.
Brown House. Rinda and Treat are fixing a wholesome dinner of...salad. Break up with her for a few days, Treat, and find yourself a rib-eye. Rinda says, "I take it the 'Fun Zone' wasn't so fun?" Treat: "The Fun Zone was definitely not a fun zone." Those are the two clumsiest lines ever uttered on this show. What's going on here? Nina bursts in the house and tells Rinda and Treat that she's going to have to kill Shutup Carl. They're all, "Okay! Why?" Nina tells them that Shutup Carl has filed for sole custody of Sam. Rinda, looking very cute in a gray sweater that totally came from American Eagle, says there's no way he can do that. Nina says Shutup Carl got an awesome new job and is making tons of money, which she can't compete with. "Plus, he's enrolled Sam in some fancy private school...I wasn't even going to ask for alimony. I'm such an idiot!" Treat tells Nina that there's a lot more to parenting than how much money you make, and one visit doesn't make up for all of Shutup Carl's neglect. Rinda adds that they live in a small, conservative county, and the odds of granting sole custody to a single gay father are slim to none. I'm trying to get offended by that somehow, but you know, it's probably true. They assure Nina that she has nothing to worry about, and also advise her to invest in some moisturizer before her face falls completely off. Single mothers need hydration, too, Nina.
Doorbell. Madison opens the door and greets her estranged boyfriend, "Hey." All right, first of all, bitch is wearing my awesome light blue belt. Secondly, I hate myself, because she looks really very pretty. She invites Ephram in, and says, "I'm still working on a little anger right now, you're gonna have to give me a second." Heh. Ephram tells her to take her time. Madison goes on to say that freezing her ass off outside a police station was definitely not the way she thought her night would go, but what really made her mad is when Ephram didn't call. Ephram says he thought she was just saying that to be nice. Heh. Madison says she did want him to, so they could talk. Ephram says talking is his whole problem, that he has no filter. Madison tells him that he still should have called. Ephram says that if he knew not calling was the reason she was going to break up with him, he would have. Madison: "Who says I'm breaking up with you?" Ephram: "You did. The other day." Did she? I don't even remember. I am actually so bored with this relationship that I can't even muster up any hate for it. I called Madison "prett
y," for God's sack. Madison says she's not breaking up with him, and that they'd be pretty pathetic if they just bailed at the first sign of trouble. "First"? Madison says that she thinks their relationship is worth saving, and she'd like to try to do that. Ephram agrees. They kiss. Madison reminds Ephram that her birthday is coming up. The end. Commercials.
High School. Amy is going back to dance class? Eyebrows should overdose more often. Like, every day until we get the good Amy back. A group of Amy's "friends" are talking about their big party plans for the weekend. Amy tentatively asks them where they're going. She tells her old best friend Paige hi, which Paige pointedly ignores. Nice. Another girl tells Amy that they're going to a new drive-in diner. Amy says she heard about it, and asks if everyone is going, that it sounds like fun. Paige: "What are you doing here?" Cram it, Paige. Amy says she was thinking about joining the class again, but she doesn't know how Mrs. Baxworth will feel about it. Paige: "We heard you, like, ODed, and had to go to the emergency room and get your stomach pumped. That is SO gross." Eat shit and die, Paige. Amy says that didn't happen, and jokes that she doesn't even have any track marks. Other Girl asks Amy if she's really going out with Eyebrows, and Amy says they broke up. Paige: "Are we supposed to be sad for you?" Shut the fuck UP, Paige. ["And stop letting your mom cut your hair." -- Sars] Amy says she was just telling them. Brenda Baxworth bustles in and gets all excited over Amy being back in dance class: "Welcome back, sweetie! Don't know where you've been, but it must have treated you well, you're skinny as a twig!" What is WRONG with these people? Mrs. Baxworth tells the girls to start with barre exercises. All the girls run over to the other side of the room, leaving Amy at a barre by herself. Douchebags.
Courtroom. Nina's custody battle. Shutup Carl is on the stand, telling his coming-out story and...somehow relating this to the reasons he should have sole custody of Sam. He tells the court how he's rolling in the dough, and can now afford to give Sam everything he ever needs, including an extra dose of tranquilizers any time he wants. Ha! Shutup Carl's lawyer is totally Mr. Morgan from Seinfeld, the co-worker George gets in trouble with his uncontrollable winking. Shutup Carl tells Morgan he has a college fund started for Sam, and has already enrolled him in a schmancy private school. Nina's lawyer "cross-examines" him, asking all the right questions about Sam -- "What's his favorite book?" "What's his teacher's name?" -- none of which Shutup Carl can answer. ["Nina's lawyer is Hallie Lowenthal from My So-Called Life, so you know she's awesome." -- Sars] Shutup Carl says he knows he doesn't know a lot about Sam's everyday life, but that's why he wants Sam, so he can spend time with his son and learn all these things. I'm thinking you should have thought about that a year ago, CARL. He says he wants to share everything with Sam.
Nina's lawyer: "Have you shared the fact that you're gay?" Heh. Shutup Carl says Sam is too young to know those kinds of things, and that he hasn't told Sam he's a Republican, either. Of course he's a Republican. Nina's lawyer wants to know when Sam will be old enough. Shutup Carl doesn't know. "Four or five years, maybe?" Nina's lawyer: "Is that how long it will take for you to get comfortable with being a gay father? Should your son have to suffer because you're still ashamed of your lifestyle?" Ooh, burn. Morgan objects. He's overruled. How did I suddenly start recapping Law & Order: Special Custody Unit? Shutup Carl says he's not ashamed of anything. "I thought the question here was about who's best for Sam, not who's gay and who's not." Nina's lawyer has no more questions. Sam Waterston passes out.
Cut to Ephram and -- hey, Delia! -- in the store, looking for a birthday present for Madison. Ephram asks Delia what she thinks about a very ugly fondue pot. Delia: "It's a pot." Ephram says Madison cooks all the time, so it's perfect, right? Delia: "But it's a pot." Hee. Delia asks her brother if he and Madison are getting married. Ephram freaks out all, "What? No! I don't know. What? That's a long way away." Ephram's cell phone rings. He answers it, and a girl asks, "Is this the jailbait?" Ephram is confused, but it's one of Madison's friends, who tells him that she wants to throw Madison a surprise party, so Ephram has to take her to dinner and then bring her over so they can surprise her and get her real drunk. Ephram says it sounds like fun, and gets off the phone. Delia walks over with a giant espresso machine. She tells Ephram, "It's five hundred dollars, but they said it was the best. Where's your wallet?" Heh. I like her style.
Back to Law & Order: SCU. Treat is on the stand, wearing a very nice suit. It's weird. Morgan asks him about not prescribing Ritalin for Sam, which we all know was a huge, huge mistake. Treat says he examined Sam and didn't feel it was indicated. He goes on to say that Sam is a bright, well-adjusted kid who, admittedly, can be a handful, which Nina does a great job with. Morgan asks Treat if he sees Sam regularly for checkups. Treat says he does. Morgan: "How about the broken arm he sustained on February 7 of this year?" Uh-oh. Treat says Sam went to the ER for that. Morgan asks Treat to tell the court exactly what happened on that day, to the best of his recollection. Treat starts out, "Well, in typical little-boy fashion..." and is interrupted by Morgan, who commands, "Without the commentary, Doctor, thank you." Heh. Treat says, "Sam tried to drive the family car. Drove into a pole." I'm pretty sure Morgan didn't ask Treat to turn into a robot, but whatever. Morgan goes exactly where everyone is afraid he's going, which is that Nina was not only not watching Sam, but was asleep when the accident happened. Treat tries real hard not to say that, but is finally forced to when Morgan presses him about Nina's whereabouts during the accident. Nina is mortified, and the judge excuses them all until the day. Poor Treat. He didn't mean to thoroughly fuck up Nina's life, honest he didn't!
Abbott House. Rose and Patch are loading all of Amy's stuff into her room. Patch starts folding clothes, but Rose tells him to let Amy unpack her own stuff. Patch "helpfully" opens one more bag and looks in the bottom of it. He pulls out Amy's birth control pills and goes into shock. Plinky Piano of Teenage Sex fades us to commercials.
We come back to Madison and Ephram walking to her house after dinner. Madison says they have plenty of time until the concert, and she was sure she left her lights on. She opens the door and two hundred of her closest friends yell, "Surprise!" Madison jumps up and down, obviously surprised. The friend who called Ephram "jailbait" on the phone tells her that she couldn't have pulled it off without Ephram. Madison's all, "So...we're not going to any concert?" Dummy. There is no concert. Which Ephram then tells her. Madison goes off to see her gifts, and Jailbait Girl tells Ephram she'll hook him up with some tequila shots. For reasons unknown, she calls him "J.B." Ephram declines, saying he has to drive. And, you know, be twenty-one.
Cut to the new diner, where every teenager in Everwood has gathered for some good old-fashioned fun. Amy arrives alone, and asks bitchy Paige if she can sit at their table. Paige gives Amy the stink-eye, and Amy tries to apologize for being a bad friend. She says she wants to change that, and work on things. Paige retorts, "Wow, you're really desperate, aren't you?" Amy says that she shouldn't have come. Not if you're trying to be friends with this mega-bitch, you shouldn't have. Paige tells Amy that she shouldn't have ditched her in the first place. Amy says she didn't ditch anybody. Paige is all, "One day we're talking on the phone all the time, then suddenly Laynie's your best friend and you don't even wave to me in the hall." Aw, did she take back her "BE- FRIE-" necklace, too, Paige? Amy says nobody picked up the phone for her either, or did one kind thing for her after Colin died, they just wanted her to keep on acting like she always did. Bright watches this exchange sadly, but does nothing. Get up, man! Show your sister some love! Amy tells Paige that she's just trying to get her life back. Paige brats, "Well, you can't have it back." I hate teenage girls.
Nina's House. Treat walks in and tells her how sorry he is for ruining her life. Nina says she's not mad at him; she might be one day, but right now she's just worried. She says that when she was in the courtroom listening to Treat talk, she couldn't believe that he was describing her. "I couldn't believe you were talking about me, and all you did was tell the truth. And all I could think is, any mother who could let that happen to her son doesn't deserve him." She tells Treat that Shutup Carl might be right; maybe she's not the best person to take care of Sam anymore. Pity, party of one? Treat tells Nina she's crazy to think that about herself, and that if anyone is to blame, it's him for saying those things. Nina says she's so tired from working three jobs, and when she does see Sam, all she does is snap at him, which is maybe missing the point. Treat says the point is that she's willing to do anything to make a life for Sam. Nina says none of it's any good if she can't even keep him safe. Treat assures her that it was an accident, and it could have happened to anyone. Can these two just make out already and have done with it, please? Nina tells Treat that she's already been looking for jobs and apartments in Denver, because she's sure Shutup Carl is going to win, and she has to be close to Sam. Treat reminds her how much she loves Everwood, and says she can't just leave. Nina says she doesn't want to leave, but she might have to. Treat tells her not to think about it for now, and says, "This isn't over yet." Nina: "Feels like it is." Aw.
Patch and Rose are waiting for Amy at the House of Abbott. When she walks in the door, Patch fixes her with some Manson Lamps and grinds his teeth down to nubs. Amy asks her parents if they were talking about her. Patch tries to speak through what teeth he has left: "Irv brought by the remainder of your things today. I took it upstairs and opened it for you, and..." Rose finishes for Patch, "Your birth control pills were there." Patch tells Amy that he wasn't rummaging through her personal effects with the intent of finding something. Amy says she wouldn't blame him if he were. Way to act right, Amy Abbott! Patch says that in any case, he sure would like to have a conversation about it. Amy tells her parents that she's not sleeping with anybody. "And I didn't sleep with Tommy if that's what you guys were wondering." Patch softens at this. Aw, Amy. I love you in this scene. You're sweet, and vulnerable, and very very pretty in that outfit. Amy asks if she can go upstairs now. Patch says he's not sure if they're done. Amy: "Honestly, Dad, there's nothing to discuss. I thought it was a good idea, but as it turns out, everything that I think is a good idea is actually really wrong and dumb. I thought I could get my life back, but I was wrong about that, too, and now I have no friends, and Bright hates me...I just don't know what you want me to do. If you want me to throw out the pills, I will. I just want to go to bed, okay?" Break my heart, why don't you, Amy? Rose tells her finally-sweet-again daughter to go get some rest. Patch tells Amy that they probably all share some blame in this, but that he hates to think of her having to go to some clinic to get a prescription. Amy tells her dad that she didn't go to a clinic. Patch: "What?" Oh, no. Somebody is about to be in big trouble. We'll call him "Treat," becau
se that's his name.
Cut to Madison's party. Everyone is drunk and dancing and having a big time, except of course for Ephram. He's standing on the stairs looking very un-fun, and very bored. Jailbait Girl finds him and asks if their dinner was fun. He says the food sucked, but at least the atmosphere was bad. Jailbait Girl says she's sorry he had to sit through a "Geriatric Dinner," all to surprise Madison. Ephram says Madison's having fun now, so the entire night wasn't a bust. Jailbait Girl confides to Ephram, "She really digs you, you know? She talks about you all the time." Ephram's all, "Yeah? Really?" He watches Madison dancing with her friends. Jailbait Girl teases Ephram, "You kind of love her, don't you?" Ephram blushes. Jailbait Girl tells Ephram a very long story about her first love, and Ephram wants to know why everyone always wants to tell him about their first loves and how awful they are. Jailbait Girl says it's because they're always awful, and amazing, and usually over before they start. Some other girl interrupts to announce that the party's out of beer, and they're going to a bar. Madison tells Ephram that they have friends that can get him in, but Ephram says he'd rather not get carded in front of all those people. Madison pretends like she doesn't want to leave Ephram for her friends and a fun time at a bar, but she totally does. Ephram says he has a test to study for anyway. Madison leaves, telling him to call her later. Ephram sadly places Madison's birthday present on her counter for her to open later. They are so breaking up.
Back at the courthouse, Treat is testifying for Nina again. He tells the court that he leaves his kids with Nina all the time, and he wouldn't do that if he didn't trust her completely. Nina's lawyer asks Treat if the incident he described yesterday made him feel less inclined to let Nina watch his kids. Treat says not at all. Nina's lawyer thanks Treat for his testimony. Treat, because he can't resist making every situation about himself, asks the judge if he can say one more thing. Morgan tries to object, but the judge tells him, "Relax, Counselor. There's no jury here." Heh. And we all thought this was going to be like a real trial. Treat starts out by saying that Nina's been through a lot this year. He tells everyone how, in spite of being left alone without resources or help, Nina continued to be there for all of her friends. "And Nina is my best friend, and believe me, I haven't had many best friends." Sniff. Treat continues, "She loves this place. She doesn't want to leave here, but she's already made plans to move to Denver in case she loses today. Your Honor, I know you're here to determine the best interest of this child, and I know it falls outside of my jurisdiction as a doctor, but...it is in the best interest of anyone to live in Nina's company and be a part of her life. Please don't take her and Sam away from us. We need her here." Aw, Treat. I don't care if it was all about you, that was awesome. Morgan says, "Uh, we're going to object to all of that." Hee. Nina smiles at Treat, because she loooooves him.
High School. Amy, dressed for dance class, stands by the door. She starts to walk away, but runs into Bright. He says, "I thought you were at dance class." Amy tells him she's not going. She tries to walk around him, but he adorably blocks her with his burly self. Amy tells her brother that she's tired, and wants to go home. Bright: "No, you don't. You want to go to class, but you're scared." Amy says she ain't. Bright tells her that it's her life, and she gets to decide what to do with it, not "them." Amy says she can't go in there. Bright says she can, too. "You're the best dancer in the school. You can't just give up what you love because some asshats made you feel bad." Hee! Bright says that her friends will come around in time. Amy replies, "How do you know? You haven't." She reminds him that he saw what her friends did the other night, and didn't say anything. Bright says he was mad, and he's still a little pissed, because Amy seriously messed up his senior year. "Which only happens once. Or, like, twice." Amy asks him why he cares, then. Bright says he doesn't like seeing her treated that way. He says, "I can treat you that way, but if everyone else starts doing it, where's the fun in that?" Bright tells his sister that her friends will get over it, but only if she stays in their faces about it. He pushes her towards the classroom door. "Be yourself. Annoying, self-righteous, pain-in-the-ass...you." Aw. He loves her!
Brown House. Madison is waiting for Ephram when he gets home from school. She has his gift in her hand, and tells him that she didn't want to open it without him. Ephram sits down to her. They look at each other sadly for a while, and Ephram says, "You wanna go first, or should I?" Madison says she will, then starts to cry. She says she can't. Ephram: "Well, at least we tried." Madison says she wishes there was something she could change, because if there was anything she could do to save the relationship, she would. Ephram laments, "If only my parents had had sex four years earlier..." Heh. Madison tells Ephram how amazing he is, and there's a part of her that did really fall in love with him. "And I know you didn't feel it, and I'm sorry that you didn't, but it was there...and I need you to know that." How is this happening? How is Bucky making me cry? Shut UP, Madison! She tries to give Ephram's gift back to him, but he tells her that it's for her. Madison says she can't take it, because she knows if she opens it, it will be perfect, and make her sadder. Ephram asks her who should tell Delia. Madison says she'll figure out what to say, and come by later. She says she has to go. Ephram, who is very hot, mumbles, "See ya." No tears here. See? None.
Cut to the courtroom. The judge announces that the court has made its decision in the matter of Feeny vs. Feeny -- it is in the best interest of the child that Margaret Nina Feeny be designated primary care parent. Oh, like it was going to go down any other way. And...court is adjourned. Treat hugs Nina, and everyone leaves. Nina finds Shutup Carl, and he congratulates her on her win. Nina tells him, "I never wanted this fight to begin with." She tells him that they don't have to argue anymore, or even talk, if that's what he wants. Shutup Carl says he just wanted to be with Sam. And other men. Shutup Carl tells Nina that he thought he was doing the right thing, then he got so happy when he thought he would win, that he didn't even think about what she or Sam must have gone through the night of the accident. He says he realized he was doing this for all the wrong reasons, and he just missed his son. "Tell Sam I'm happy for him." Nina: "Tell him yourself. You have him this weekend." Heh.
Brown House. Someone pounds on the door. Treat opens it, and Patch busts right on in. Patch launches into his spiel, asking Treat what the hell he was thinking, giving Amy birth control pills. Treat says that Amy came to him, they discussed it, and he couldn't just send her away. Patch says that's exactly what he should have done. Treat says that if he'd done that, Amy would have just gone to someone else. Patch wants to know how Treat couldn't come to him. Treat says that Amy specifically asked him not to tell Patch. Patch: "She wouldn't have come to you in the first place if she didn't think she was doing something wrong." Treat maintains that Amy made a responsible decision, and thought it through carefully, and that at Amy's age, she merits confidentiality. Patch is all, "Spare me the bullshit. I know the law. You should have come to me as your friend. I may not have always liked you, but I respected what you were. I admired the doctor enough that I could forgive the man. Not anymore." He tells Treat to stay away from his family, and from him. As Patch walks out the door, he finishes, "And if I don't make myself clear, I encourage you to test me." Damn. I told you Treat was in trouble. It's very sad that my favorite boyfriends broke up, though.
Downtown. Ephram runs into Amy as he's leaving a restaurant. He asks Amy if she's going for a walk. She asks him to walk with her for a little while. They talk about her life, how things are at home. Amy offers Ephram a dollar to sit with her at lunch. Ephram: "Deal." Amy: "You're supposed to say it's free." Aw. Ephram says he knows a good deal when he sees one. Amy asks Ephram why he's sad. He tells her that he and Madison broke up. He admits that he lied when he told her everything was fine the other day. "Don't ask me why." Amy: "Why?" God, they're so cute. It's killing me. Ephram says he thought if he pretended everything was great, it might actually be great. Amy says Madison must not have been that perfect if she was dumb enough to let him go. Ephram smiles at her, and they keep walking. Sweet strummy la-la plays as they walk, and we fade out.