Well, hi there! It was such a nice, long, Amy "God, Please Just Shut Up, PLEASE, I Hate You" Abbott-less month. Everything good must come to an end. Cocktail?
We open pretty much where we left off in November. Crisis At The Abbott House: The Morning. Amy's run away, oh no! Rose shows a detective -- who resembles a younger and hotter Andre Braugher -- a recent family photo. He tells Rose and Patch that the cops are doing everything they can to find Amy, and he delegates busy work to each member of the family. Patch is to write a full description of Amy, which one can only hope reads, "Pretty. Blonde. Bitch." Andre tells Bright to make a list of people Amy may have contacted. Aw, Bright looks like he's been crying. Rose is the "telephone point person," whatever the hell that means. They all set off on their missions, and Irv voice-overs (how I've missed you, Irv!), "When the pressure's on, it's often the times of crisis that bring a family together." Rinda asks Andre if there's anything she can do. Besides look stunning in that winter white sweater? Wait. Did I develop a crush on RINDA over the break? Yes...yes, now it's coming to me...I believe that I did. Curses! Andre tells Rinda that she can collect Amy's medical records. Rinda's on it.
Feisty Nurse Edna arrives, and asks what the hell is going on. Rose is all, "Amy's run away! She's GONE!" Edna says, "Oh, no. This is all a big mistake." Are you saying that it was all a BIG MISUNDERSTANDING, Edna? Did I accidentally TiVo Three's Company? Edna explains to everyone that Amy spent the night at her and Irv's house last night, and is currently "4-0 and squared away, having pancakes with Harper." Hee. Rose looks like she wants to KILL. Irv tells us, "Pressure also has a way of exposing our fault lines, bringing to the surface things that might better have stayed buried deep below. Once they're out, though, they're awful hard to put back." The camera pans around the room, showing everyone's faces of concerned relief, and Andre says into his radio, "All units Code 4. Subject has been located." Plinky Sad Piano of Teenage Runaways leads us into the credits. Ah, theme song. I don't care how much Couch Baron hates you, I sure have missed your crazy violins.
Brown House. Ephram, Eeeeee! and Madison "Bucky" Poppins watch a movie on the couch. Ephram gets all handsy, and Madison says, "I thought we were watching a movie." Oh, Bucky, it seems that absence does NOT make the heart grow fonder. She accuses Ephram of actually inviting her over to make out, which he answers by kissing her. Ew. Madison reminds Ephram that they aren't supposed to make out in the house, and Ephram's like, "My dad won't be home for HOURS!" This is, of course, Treat's cue to bust in the door immediately. Ephram pushes Madison to the other side of the couch and yells, "We're watching a movie!" Hee. Treat takes no notice of this, as he is embroiled in a fight with Delia, which she seems to be winning. Delia's mad because her dad kissed Rinda in the tree lot,and Treat is doing a really bad job of defending himself. Delia yells some more, calls her dad a liar, and stomps off. Madison -- who in our absence has applied for the job of surrogate mother -- is all, "I'LL talk to her." Shut up, Madison.
“ She tells Treat that her husband is actually dead, but that before he died of testicular cancer, he made her promise that she would go ahead and have a baby with his frozen sperm. Nice husband. 'Yeah, I'm going to just check out, but you can handle being a single mother, can't you?' ”
Treat comes clean to Ephram about him and Rinda, and about his promise to Delia. Ephram says, "Let me get this straight...you went up to punish Delia and ended up promising her you wouldn't date [R]inda?" Treat: "She's very persuasive!" Heh. Treat says that he doesn't know what to do, and that Delia probably won't talk to him ever again. Ephram: "Well, problem solved." I love you.
Abbott House. Patch and Rose are interrogating Edna about Amy. Edna tries to defend her mistake, saying that it was late when Amy arrived, and that she thought it would be better to let everyone cool off, and then call in the morning. It's clear that Patch and Rose totally thought Amy had gone off to blow her brains out. Rose looks angrier than ever, and finally unloads on Edna, after Edna tells them that Amy wants to "see" her parents. Rose interrupts Edna, "Don't. I'm not going to sit here and be insulted, not in my own home." Wow. Go, Rose.
Treat's Office. He's talking to a lady about in-vitro fertilization. She tells Treat that her husband is actually dead, but that before he died of testicular cancer, he made her promise that she would go ahead and have a baby with his frozen sperm. Nice husband. "Yeah, I'm going to just check out, but you can handle being a single mother, can't you?" She says she thinks she's ready to keep up her end of the bargain. Treat tells her that he's a widower himself, and would be happy to help her. He calls for Edna to set up an ultrasound for "Mrs. McGinn." Mrs. McGinn informs Edna, "I'm having a baby with my dead husband's frozen sperm." Edna: "Right. We'll probably have to check the Medicare code on that one." Hee.
We cut to Edna's House, where Amy and her parents are having some sort of Congressional Caucus. Amy sits opposite her parents and Edna, and lets them know that (despite her claim that she wished she were dead TWENTY-FOUR HOURS BEFORE) she's totally doing better. She says it all started when she met Tommy. Oh, for fuck's sake. Patch expresses pretty much the same sentiment. Amy asks her parents just to hear her out. The camera keeps cutting to Rose, who looks like she just ate a very skeptical bee. Amy goes on and on about her savior, Tommy, and tells Patch that he acted inappropriately and embarrassed her at their dinner. Patch says he isn't going to apologize, which he shouldn't. Amy says all she can do now is hope her parents will forgive her. Patch starts to accede to Princess's wishes, but Rose cannot stand it. "Do you even KNOW what you've done? We had FBI agents at our house. We actually had to consider the possibility that you took your own life. And you have the gall to sit there and say WE embarrassed you? ...You are the embarrassment, Amy; your attitude, your behavior -- and you have the gall to summon us over here, like we've been granted some sort of audience with the Pope...this is way past self-indulgence." YAY! ROSE! Finally, somebody gives this girl what she has needed for this entire season. Amy's all, "See? I can't talk to you." Patch tries to say that what is important is that Amy comes home. Rose says, "What's important is that she take responsibility for her actions." Edna tells Rose that she thinks Amy is trying to do just that. Rose hits Edna with "Don't you dare talk to me. For twenty-five years I've sat back and watched you treat Harold with disrespect. I never said anything, but this is different." Rose is about to lose control, and I think I like it. She tells Amy that she can come home, but that the rules are the same: no TV, no phone, no dating "that boy. Come home and live by our rules, or stay here. It's your choice." Bravo! Amy gives her mother the brattiest look that ever bratted, but Rose stands her ground. She gets up and tells Patch that they are leaving NOW. Amy and Edna sit together on the couch, stunned. Man. Best scene ever.
“ Delia comes in and asks who's camping. Treat says that they are, this weekend. Delia says she's not: 'I don't like you.' Oh, Delia, you are going the way of the Amy. If Treat were smart, he'd slap it out of you right quick. ”
Back at the Brown House, Treat looks at the paper for an activity he and Delia can participate in together. He asks Ephram what sounds better: karate or papier-mch. Ephram says they both make him want to kill himself. He calls Delia down for dinner, and then asks Treat what the hell he's doing. Treat says they need to spend quality time together. Ephram: "You never did any of that with me." Treat: "Okay, how about you and I join the Everwood Men's Chorus together?" Hee. Ephram says he doesn't need to bond that bad. Treat finds an ad for a Father-Daughter Camping Weekend. Ephram reminds Treat that he hates camping, but Treat says it'll be fun, he's just not very good at it. Delia comes in and asks who's camping. Treat says that they are, this weekend. Delia says she's not: "I don't like you." Oh, Delia, you are going the way of the Amy. If Treat were smart, he'd slap it out of you right quick. But he doesn't; he tells Delia that they are too going camping, and that it's too bad if she doesn't like him.
Cut to Edna's house, where Irv asks Edna, "Woman, are you trying to give me another heart attack?" Edna says Amy's upstairs doing something in the bathroom that she thinks involves makeup. Irv's like, "We have to talk." He tells Edna that he knows she's in a bind, but that he already raised a teenage daughter, and has no desire to do it again. And by the way, Abbotts, way to put Edna and Irv on the spot. Did you ever consider that they maybe didn't want a poisonous blonde teen in their house day and night? No? Didn't think so. Edna says it won't be forever. Irv tells her that she messed up, and instead of spending her time justifying her mistake, they need to figure out how to fix it. Man, Edna's getting it from all sides lately. She says she was thinking of calling "Father Ivers," who baptized Patch and married him and Rose. She thinks that Patch and Rose might listen to him. Irv's all, "Call now!" Amy runs downstairs and tells her grandparents that she has a "school thing." She wants to borrow the car. Irv gives Edna a look, but she tells Amy where the keys are, and not to crash the car. Guess it runs in the family. Amy leaves all happy, and Irv hands Edna the phone.
Treat's Office. Edna tells Patch that Mrs. McGinn's husband are waiting for him. Treat reminds Edna that the lady's husband is dead. Edna says she thought it was weird, too. Heh. In Treat's office, the man tells Treat that he is actually Mrs. McGinn's second husband: he probated the first Mrs. McGinn's husband's estate, and they fell in love. Whatever. The point of his visit is that he feels weird about his wife's having this dead guy's baby, and that he thought that they would have kids of their own. He wants Treat to talk to her for him. Treat says he couldn't, but the husband tricks him into it.
Amy and Eyebrows are at a restaurant. Eyebrows asks her if she needs to "get back for fifth period." Amy says it's no big deal. Eyebrows is all, "You going bad-girl on me?" "Going"? I think she's already gone, Eyebrows. Amy says she has a lot more freedom now that she's living with Edna, which is all she wanted in the first place. That, and to get her way all the damn time. Eyebrows says that having no structure isn't all it's cracked up to be. Smartest thing you've ever said, Eyebrows. He then questions Amy's motives in going out with him; is she just seeing him to get back at her parents? (Yes.) Amy says she totally isn't. (Lie.) She complains some more about how horrible her parents are, and then kisses Eyebrows on the head. Die, Amy.