Treat opens the door to his house and calls to his children. "Anybody home?" Not a soul answers, so he shuts the door and gets all excited that he can peacefully hide all the Christmas presents he's holding. Ah, Strings of Zany Antics to Come, there you are. As Treat opens the coat closet and looks for a good hiding place, Irv tells us, "Holidays are an age-old ritual; solemn rites passed down from one generation to the . A time for family and friends and good cheer. They're also a time for giving and receiving; a time for surprises. Some surprises are hidden in boxes, wrapped up in colorful paper and ribbons. Still others we carry inside, concealed in our own hearts, while we wait for just the right moment to reveal them." Enough already, Irv. Hmm, I wonder if something...I don't know, surprising is about to happen?
Treat busily squirrels his gifts away, and hears Ephram and Madison coming in just in time to hide himself in the closet. Ephram's all, "See? Nobody home. Now we can totally make out on this couch here." Madison doesn't wanna. She is afraid. Ephram assures her that everything will be fine. Madison says, "What if your dad comes in?" Ephram says that Treat is "totally clueless," and would have no idea what was going on even if he did come in. Meanwhile, Treat watches the entire exchange through a crack in the closet door. Ephram + Madison = Dumbasses. Ephram insults his father some more, then pulls Madison to him so he can French her and then maybe get to second base. Treat, who has had quite enough, thank you, tries to open the closet door, which appears to be stuck. Madison tells Ephram that he has to tell Treat about their relationship, and Ephram promises he will, "if you promise to teach me that tongue curl thing you were talking about." Ew. EW! EWWWWW. I may never recover from that line. They giggle and fall all over each other onto the couch, and Treat rescues us all by finally busting through the closet door. Ephram and Madison jump up like they're on fire. Treat bellows, "What the HELL is going on?" Behind him, the shelf holding all the gifts falls down. Aw. Irv informs us, "Unfortunately, not all surprises are good ones," and we go to the credits.
Brown House of Fatherly Lectures. Treat tells Ephram and Madison that what they are doing is beyond unacceptable. Ephram tells Treat that he's overreacting. Treat says he doesn't think it would be possible to overreact to something like this. Madison jumps in, "I wanted to tell you." Treat says, "So I heard. Right after the [EWWWW!] tongue-curling lessons!" Ephram tries to blame Treat instead, accusing him of spying. God. Shut up, Ephram. I'm very sorry, and I love you, but you need to STOW IT, boyfriend. Treat's all, "THIS is why there's no privacy when you're sixteen." Ephram tries to tell his dad that it's none of his business. Treat argues that hiring Madison to babysit, then aiding and abetting a felony is damn sure his business. There's been some talk on the forums that, legally, in Colorado, what Ephram and Madison are doing is not actually a felony. That may be true, but Making A Recapper Gag Repeatedly carries a sentence of up to five years in the state of TWoP, my friends. Ephram says something about it being better if he had sex with someone his own age, and Madison freaks. "No sex. No sex at all." Treat gives them the opposite of the Treat-grin, which is...the Treat-grimace? He says that the fact is, Madison isn't Ephram's age, and that makes all the difference. He tells Madison that his first thought is to fire her, and then to kill Ephram, but he's not going to. He says that firing Madison wouldn't be fair to Delia, so she can stay, but their relationship is over. Ephram tries to argue, but Treat is NOT having it. Ephram protests again, because he is just stupid enough to test a man of Treat's stature and current state of rage, but Madison cuts him off. She tells Treat it's over, and never should have happened. Ephram gives Madison a look like "Wha?" Believe it, baby. Treat tells Madison he thinks she should go home now. Ephram tries to follow her, but Treat tells him, "You even think about it, she's fired and you're grounded for life." Yay! This episode is Treat-a-licious.
“ Eyebrows is all, 'My parents never loved me, and locked me in a closet during holidays, where I ate rat poo and Bisquick. Please invite me to your wonderful Thanksgiving celebration.' ”
Abbott House. Patch Abbott is Dustbustering everything in the house. Bright walks in the living room with a snack. Patch yells, "Crumbs!" Hee. Patch tells Bright he can have crumbs when his grandparents have gone home...or died. Oh, goody! Rose opens the door and announces, "We're home!" Hey, it's Betty White! I wonder if she's traveled down the road and back again. Shut up. Grandma Betty hugs and kisses all over Bright, and asks Patch if he was maybe not well enough to accompany Rose to the airport. Hee. Rose's dad, "Herb," who seems like a nice enough man, adjusts his hearing aid and asks Patch for a Scotch. Good idea, Herb. Grandma Betty asks after Amy. Rose and Patch exchange glances and mumble something about her being home later. Patch sees that Bright is taking his grandparents' bags up to Patch and Rose's room, starts to protest, and is cut off by Grandma Betty: "I need to pee." Classy. Patch rolls his eyes the first of many times this hour.
Downtown Everwood. Amy walks out of the drugstore with Eyebrows. They flirt. I cannot bring myself to care. Eyebrows asks Amy if she wants to "hang out" the rest of the day, but Amy says she has to go see her grandparents, who are in for Thanksgiving. Eyebrows is all, "My parents never loved me, and locked me in a closet during holidays, where I ate rat poo and Bisquick. Please invite me to your wonderful Thanksgiving celebration." She does. They go to kiss, and are interrupted by Feisty Nurse Edna, who says to Eyebrows, "I don't believe we've met." She introduces herself as "Amy's favorite grandmother," which she totally is. Eyebrows shakes her hand and is actually very polite. He goes back to work, and Amy gives her grandmother a sheepish little grin, the most endearing thing I've seen her do this entire season. Edna teases Amy a little bit, and tells her she'll see her at "The Big Turkey Day Gorge-a-thon." Dear Feisty Nurse Edna: Have I told you lately that I love you?
Brown Office of MEOW. Treat is wrapping a kid's foot up in gauze. He tells "Charlie" that he's lucky he wasn't burned even worse. Charlie doesn't care, and takes a picture of Treat on his fancy cell phone. He tells Treat that he's going to send the picture to his friend Billy, who "totally bailed. He barely put his foot on the coal before he quit." Charlie exposits that he and Billy are doing the "firewalk" the day, and he couldn't go to the doctor on the "res," because he would tell Charlie's dad. Treat is very concerned about Charlie walking over hot coals in some sort of Indian ritual the day, but Charlie just shrugs it off. Edna tries to offer Charlie some crutches, but he declares them "lame." Heh! Charlie leaves, and Treat asks Edna if he's missing something about conditions on the reservation. Edna calls Treat "Big Chief Nosy-Pants," and tells him that if he thinks the people on the reservation need to be dragged into the modern era, they're out on Highway 70. Oh, man. Treat is going to be all over this in a very boring way, isn't he?
“ Grandma Betty says, 'You still married to the black man?' Here is where I wish Feisty Nurse Edna would have a Vietnam flashback all over Grandma Betty, but Patch pushes her into the kitchen before she can take any action. ”
Brown House. Ephram is playing a song on the piano, which Delia tells Madison sounds like "the music on the movie when they killed Bambi's mom." Madison tells her that it's normal for people to get depressed around the holidays. But not normal for them to kill themselves -- too bad, Madison. They're making turkeys and Pilgrims out of construction paper. I tell you, those Browns have an enormous supply of crafts materials. Ephram tells Delia that if she gets more construction paper from her room (see?), he'll help them out. When Delia leaves, Ephram tries to talk to Madison. She doesn't want to talk, and says, among other things, that Treat is sort of right about their relationship, and that it's over. Ephram says she can't just turn her feelings off. Madison says she can, too. Ephram says it's just because of Treat, and you don't just lose feelings for someone when you have what they had, please God shut up. Madison says she just can't. Ephram says, "Can't is because of my dad; don't is because of you." Delia comes back in with lots of construction paper. Ephram completely ignores his sister and says to Madison, "Can't or don't, just tell me." Madison finally says, "Don't." Ephram walks off, and Madison starts to cry a little bit. I cry a little bit too, out of relief. Commercial.
Abbott House. Patch is reading the paper, and Grandma Betty walks down the stairs, complaining that she just had the worst night of sleep ever. Patch is all, "Good morning!" Grandma Betty continues to complain: about the bed, about the toilet paper, about everything, which is clearly all Patch's fault. Edna arrives with groceries, and bids Grandma Betty a cool hello. Grandma Betty says, "You still married to the black man?" Here is where I wish Feisty Nurse Edna would have a Vietnam flashback all over Grandma Betty, but Patch pushes her into the kitchen before she can take any action. Edna tells Patch, "How your wife was spawned from that woman's loins, I'll never know." Patch calls Grandma Betty "insufferable," and wonders how Herb hasn't killed her in her sleep. Edna: "I'd testify on his behalf just to thank him!" Hee It's funny to see them agreeing on something for once. Edna drops a bomb on Patch with, "I met Amy's new boyfriend. Seems like a nice kid." Patch has no idea what she's talking about. Edna tells him to cool it, that Amy wasn't on her way to Vegas in a wedding gown or anything, and he'll meet Tommy at dinner. Patch is all, "Who? What? What just happened?" Edna leaves swiftly, because she's smart.
Gah. Reservation. Casino. Treat. He finds Charlie's dad, who is very very hot, and wastes no time questioning the tribe's long-held cultural practices. Dad of Hotness points out a waitress decked out in an amalgam of traditional dress, saying that she is an example of the way their tribe has held on to tradition where they could -- a way of embracing the new, while revering the old. Call me crazy, but I don't think putting a cocktail waitress in an Indian suit is a great way to do that. Treat tells Dad of Hotness that Charlie needs at least a few weeks to heal. DoH says Charlie doesn't have a few weeks, since they have to perform the firewalking ritual before the first knee-high snowfall, which will be in a few days. Plus, he says, it's too late to cancel the caterers. Aw, he's hot AND funny! Dad of Hotness tells Treat that he knows he's worried, but Charlie will be fine. He gives him free chips to gamble, and Treat grins, pretending he's not still totally stressed about Charlie's feet.