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We open in front of the movie theater. The Last Samurai is the only unfortunate option on the marquis. Irv tells us, "There's a particular brand of pit that grows in your stomach when you know you're losing control and there's nothing you can do about it. Heavy as granite, and moldering." Thanks, Irv, for that line from The Book of Retarded. Ephram "Dump Her Already" Brown and Madison "Don't Hate Me Because I'm Bucky" Poppins bounce up to the theater. Ephram's mad because they're late, and tells Madison that they could have made it if they didn't have to go to a movie theater in another town, so nobody would see them together. Madison suggests that he get the tickets, while she buys the snacks. There's some "cute" bickering which I will not be recapping. Ephram heads to the ticket counter and asks for two for the above-mentioned Tom Cruise ("I'm not gay! I'm Japanese!") film. The ticket guy asks Ephram for some ID. Hee. Ephram's all, "What? No way, dude." The ticket guy suggests that Ephram see the 8:15 showing of Rugrats, if he's interested. Ooh, burn. Ephram tries to get the increasingly agitated ticket guy to sell him tickets, saying, "I'm on a date. You look like the kind of guy who could appreciate that. No, I'm not saying I don't think you don't get a lot of action" Quit while your ahead, pretty boy. The ticket guy's all, "." Finally, Madison comes to Ephram's rescue, flashing her ID and buying the tickets. Ticket Guy says, "Andare you this boy's parent or guardian?" Ha! Y'all deserve it.
Cut to Treat and Rinda, drinking wine romantically by a romantic fire of romance. They're also playing a romantic game ofScrabble? Rinda gives Treat the bedroom eyes and puts down "fondle." They start to kiss, and Treat gives Rinda the total shaft, saying he has to go, since it's nine o'clock, and he has to pick up Delia. Rinda tries to be a good sport, but she knows Treat just acted a fool. As Treat leaves, Irv continues, "It's the way we're built, I suppose. Unnatural reaction to the unstoppable spin of the earth below, forever trying to wrest control of life, love, work, and home. And when we can't get control there, we'll fight for it where we can." We fade to Treat and Ephram on the couch. Treat is watching a nature show, and Ephram tries to get his dad to change the channel. They bicker about the show, and how they both had shitty dates. "Have a nice time?" "Great, amazing, better than great. You?" "Fantastic. Couldn't be better." Irv finishes, "As if we think we could stop the world from spinning just by being mad." And after the longest teaser in historycredits.
Edna and Irv's house. Irv walks to the kitchen in a t-shirt and boxers and finds him a little midnight snack. Amy comes busting in just as he turns from the refrigerator, and Irv lowers the dish. he's holding to cover his bits. Hee. Nice save, Irv. Amy's all, "No big, it's just underwear," grabs a box of cereal, and walks out. Oy. Irv looks exasperated, and we cut to
“ Daddy Gavin says it's not just them, there's a whole town counting on Gavin, except he says it like it's code for 'I'm an overbearing sports dad.' ”
Irv and Edna in their room. Irv is like, "When is that brat leaving?" Edna takes up for Amy, saying Irv shouldn't have been downstairs getting a snack. In what universe does that make sense? Irv: "It's our house! I don't want to put on a suit just to get a glass of water!" Damn right, Irv. He tells Edna that he loves Amy, but she's inconsiderate, and messy, and she needs to have some rules. Just to drive his point home, Amy walks right through their closed bedroom door, grabs the phone, and says, "Don't mind me!" God. Knock much, Amy? Edna tells Irv, "Oh, shove it."
High School. Ephram and Bright are in gym class, running and complaining about their families. Bright tells Ephram that they went through a whole dinner the night before, and no one said a word. "This is my dad we're talking about -- it's like someone took the batteries out." Heh. They stop running, which is unfortunate, because it's super-cute. Bright says that ever since Amy left, their family is like a funeral home, except Amy's not dead, she's just hanging out with a druggie freak. Ephram notices some guy still running, and Bright exposits that it's Gavin Curtis, their school's wrestling star. Bright also explains wrestling weight to Ephram, and the advantages of being in a lower weight class, which I still don't understand, even after multiple lessons from my husband. I'm S-M-R-T. Ephram goes to grab his clothes, and they're gone from the bleachers. What about, say, the locker room? Ephram sees some kid across the gym stealing his clothes. He tells Bright, "Go kick his ass." Bright: "Why?" Ephram: "Because I said so. Come on, go! Kill!" Bright: "How many times do I have to tell you, I'm not a dog." Heeeee.
Over on the other side of the gym, Gavin "Douglas Smith, Brother of Gregory" Curtis has just been weighed, and everyone cheers. Then Gavin falls down in a faint. We cut to Treat's office, who tells Gavin and his parents that Gavin seems okay. "Twenty laps and no breakfast, and I'd hit the floor, too." Gavin's dad says he should have made Gavin eat breakfast, but Gavin says he was "holding off on hydrating 'til after the scales." Oh, Douglas Smith is adorable, with his blue, blue eyes and curly messy hair and cute little voice. Not hot like my boyfriend, but adorable nonetheless. Gavin's parents are all concerned, and Treat says Gavin should be fine with so many people worried about him. Daddy Gavin says it's not just them, there's a whole town counting on Gavin, except he says it like it's code for "I'm an overbearing sports dad." Gavin acts all modest, and asks Treat if he'll be okay for the match. Treat says he'll be fine, but he'll call for blood work just in case. Treat asks Gavin to take off his sweatshirt. Gavin does this very carefully, pulling his t-shirt down so Treat can't see his skin. Daddy Gavin asks Treat to sign a permission slip, saying that he can't train without it. Treat says he'd like to wait for the lab results, but he should have them the day.
“ CSD says the only important thing is that Treat sign the damn permission slip. Treat says he ain't. CSD says they'll just find a doctor who will, and they leave. Way to go, Treat. I think. ”
Ephram tries to sneak into his own house. He's wearing a gigantic jersey and shorts. Ephram legs! Delia catches him and says, "Did you wear that to school?" Madison calls his look "retro funk jock dork." Shut up, Madison. Ephram says he was just going for a jog. Delia: "You don't jog." Ephram says he's totally trying to start working out and become buff. Delia: "You don't get buff." Hee. Ephram tricks Delia into leaving with some sports trivia about a Broncos trade, and she runs off to check it on the internet. Then he ickily kisses Madison, and asks her out for the night. Madison says she can't, because she has to study for an exam. In the college library, which Ephram can't get into without an ID. Ephram's all, "Story of my life." Madison suggests a movie at home, after she studies. Ephram realizes that Bucky doesn't want to be seen anywhere with him.
High School. Treat brings the permission slip in to Gavin's coach, saying that everything came out fine. The coach makes the mistake of telling Treat that Gavin is so worried about the match that he "made himself sick" that morning. Treat says that no one mentioned Gavin threw up. The coach says he has a nervous stomach. A light bulb appears over Treat's head, and he lies to the coach that the permission slip isn't in his jacket, after all. Commercial.
Treat's Office. He's called in the Gavin Family again, and tells them that he thinks there may be cause for concern. Treat looks at Gavin and says, "I think the reason you passed out the other day wasn't overtraining. I think that you induced vomiting to make weight." You're a clever one, Dr. Brown. Treat continues, "And your electrolyte levels, plus the enamel damage shown in your dental records, lead me to believe that this has happened more than once." If he has enamel damage, more than once needs to mean "one million times." Gavin says he's only done it a couple of times. Crazy Sports Dad doesn't see anything wrong with it, saying that Gavin isn't like some girl making herself puke because she reads too many fashion magazines. Yes, because that's what we all do. Bucket of fried chicken, please! I'll just use the bucket to throw up in after I binge on some Original Recipe. Treat is still concerned that Gavin is in health trouble. Crazy Sports Dad asks his son to wait outside. Gavin gets up to leave, and tells Treat not to worry about him, that he's fine. Mommy Gavin looks very upset as Crazy Sports Dad tells Treat how awesome Gavin is at wrestling, and he needs his chance to prove that this weekend at the match. Treat says he thinks Gavin's health matters more, and he thinks Gavin has an eating disorder. CSD says the only important thing is that Treat sign the damn permission slip. Treat says he ain't. CSD says they'll just find a doctor who will, and they leave. Way to go, Treat. I think.