AB Chao
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We open on a sunny day in Everwood. As the camera closes in on a store called "Everwood Video," Irv tells us that everyone has their favorite movies, and that everyone can recite the last line of their favorites, but hardly anyone remembers the first line. Let's test that theory. My favorite movie is Annie Hall. And...the first line is : "There's an old joke." Oddly, I cannot remember the last line. Boo-yah, Irv the Bus-Driving Narrator! I have no idea what I have just proven, but this drink is DELICIOUS. Ephram and Bright roam the aisles of the movie store, looking for something to rent. Has Netflix not caught on in Everwood? Bright wants to rent a movie that prompts Ephram to remark, "I'm not in the mood to watch soft-core porn with you." Does this mean that he has been in the mood before, or will be in the future? Ho, and also, yay. Ephram wants to rent The Pianist, because he's my sensitive boyfriend. Bright nixes it. Ephram gets all huffy and tells Bright to get what he wants. Bright says, "All right. Huddle up." Ephram doesn't get it, because he's never played sports a day in his life, a fact which we should all try not to count against him. As much as Ephram rocks, no one can resist a hot point guard, people. Bright cutely says, "That means 'Come here.' You're like working with raw clay, man." Aw, Bright kneads his friend. Cheesy puns: 1. AB Chao: 0. There's a strange segue where suddenly Bright starts talking about how he's the master of all things women, and I'm confused, but let's go with it. Bright tells Ephram that the only way to get pukey Madison to like him more is not with romantic comedy "Cusack crap," but he needs to live the life of the action star, like "The Rock." Huh? That's not how you get the girl. Cusack is like paper to The Rock's...rock. Paper covers rock, Bright! Anyway, Bright tells Ephram to ignore the shit out of Madison, and she will like him even more. I wish Ephram would just take the "ignore the shit out of" part of that advice. Bright says nothing keeps a girl guessing more than for her to think that maybe you don't even want her around. Ephram tells Bright that it's wrong and evil, but ignoring Madison kind of makes sense. Bright utters the first of several brilliant lines of the evening: "Don't hate the playa. Hate the game." Hee! The camera pans to a TV in the video store playing the end of Casablanca, and we hear, "This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship." Indeed. Credits.
Brown House. Brittany, Delia's bitchy little friend, is there. Delia asks Treat if he remembered to rent the karaoke machine for her slumber party. Ah, a girl after my own heart. Treat says he's on it. Brittany, who thinks she is twenty-five years old, asks Treat, "And where are we on the pizza? I would get a head start on it if I were you." Shut up, Brittany. It's nice to see your mother taught you how to be tacky to adults, but nobody needs to hear it. Treat says he'll take care of it. He tells the girls that Nina will take them to school, since he has to go to work early. Nina? Who is that? Delia tells Brittany that her dad's acting weird. Uh oh. She knows!
“ Justin says that Kirsten is just awesome, and she's the only one who never made fun of him for stuttering, and never tries to finish his sentences, blah blah blah l-l-l-love-cakes. ”
Brown House. Madison Poppins asks Ephram what he wants for dinner. He shrugs and walks off. The ignoring has begun, I see. Delia's all, "Did you lose your voice or something?" Heh. Ephram continues to ignore Madison. She looks confused in a buck-toothy way, and answers her cell phone. Trouble in paradise. Madison takes her phone outside and fights with her boyfriend. Ephram and Delia watch. Madison comes back inside and says she was talking to..."Jay?" Ephram finishes. Then he remembers he was supposed to be ignoring her and tries to be all, "Bird? Jaybird. Singing. Karaoke. Karaoke party." He runs off. Madison stares after him, wondering why she likes a crazy person, and who the best orthodontist in Everwood might be. Commercials.
Back to the Brown House. Delia is working on her party favors while Madison cooks. Ephram tells Delia that he thinks Madison might be upset. Delia: "I know. I'm ten, not stupid." Daaaamn! Ephram tells Delia to go be nice to Madison, like tell her she's pretty or something. Delia tells Ephram to do it himself. He forces Delia to do it. She walks into the kitchen. "Hi Madison? I like your sweater?" Aw. Delia continues with the barrage of compliments, "And...you don't have any pimples either." Madison laughs, and tells Delia she's sorry she's been such a bummer. We all are, Bucky. Delia asks her what's wrong, and Madison says that she was supposed to have a date that night, but instead they broke up. Delia starts to invite her to the slumber party. Ephram shakes his head and makes "No! Cut!" gestures in the background, but Delia doesn't notice. Madison says she would LOVE to come. Ephram sighs. Do you think he'll send me a birthday present?
Justin Stutterlake is at Treat's office, practicing his speech. He can't get it right. He is so clearly in love with this girl, and it's pretty heartbreaking. He says every time he thinks of "Kirsten," he gets nervous. Treat tells him to just say how he feels about Kirsten in the most basic way he can. Justin says that Kirsten is just awesome, and she's the only one who never made fun of him for stuttering, and never tries to finish his sentences, blah blah blah l-l-l-love-cakes. He says that Kirsten loves movies, and she said once that she wished her life was like a movie. This makes me think that perhaps Kirsten is delusional, but whatever. Justin says he can never tell her, and he might as well just quit now. Aw.
Bright "Cry Me A River" Abbott is shooting basketball in his driveway. Ephram walks over to tell him that Madison is going to be at his house that night. Bright thinks that's awesome, but Ephram says that it is not. He says he was just trying to make Madison feel better, and then Delia invited her to the slumber party. Bright interrupts to comment that Ephram was supposed to be ignoring her, but Ephram says it's okay, because he did it through Delia. Bright says: "It doesn't matter. Vertically or invertically..." Hee. Ephram's all, "'Inadvertently.' The word is 'inadvertently.'" Bright: "Look, you wanna play Scrabble, or you wanna get the dibble-dabble?" Woo! Best Line of the Episode. Bright tells Ephram that he needs a wing man, to help him stay away from Madison, and he'll be there at six. He tells Ephram, "For being a smart guy, you're actually kind of an idiot." Bright is being written brilliantly this episode, I have to say. Now if they would just kill off Madison in a freak accident...
“ Rinda tells him to just please stop sending her things, and walks out. We go to commercial as Treat's heart breaks. Damn you, Rinda! I hope you get eaten by a bear. ”
Amy and Laynie "I Can't Believe I Had to Come To Work For Two Lines. Again" Hart. They're in a restaurant, which may or may not be the diner. Laynie tells Amy that she just has to go to the ECC party that night, and it will be fun. Amy doesn't wanna. She spies Eyebrows over Laynie's shoulder, and asks Laynie who he is. Laynie exposits that he's Tommy Callahan, who got kicked out of high school and just got out of rehab, where he was sent for a nasty crystal meth habit. Amy clearly still thinks he's kind of hot. Laynie's all, "Anyway, the party?" Amy says fine, she'll go.
Patch Abbott's Office. As Patch sits at his desk working, a red balloon comes floating through the door. He gets up and walks into the hall, which is filled with 99 Treatballoons. Patch bats them away and looks at Rinda, who offers, "He's persistent, I'll give him that." Patch says the madness has to stop. Rinda has to tell Treat why she doesn't like him. Patch says, "You do have some kind of reason, right?" Rinda's all, "Sure I do. Of course. I have lots of reasons. I am NOT a big fan of facial hair, for one." Heh. She says they're just not a good fit. Patch tells Rinda to go let him down...hard.
Rinda bursts into Treat's office. She tells him he has to stop sending her flowers and balloons, because she doesn't want them. Treat: "Not a big fan of presents. Got it." Rinda says it's not the presents, it's him. Aw, man! Treat's face falls. Rinda tells Treat that she's sorry if she gave the wrong impression, but she's not attracted to him, and she doesn't want to date him. Treat can only respond, "Oh." Rinda tells him to just please stop sending her things, and walks out. We go to commercial as Treat's heart breaks. Damn you, Rinda! I hope you get eaten by a bear.
We return from the commercials to Bright, who is getting his karaoke on with the fantastic musical stylings of Destiny's Child. He sings to the crowd of little girls, "All the women...independent...throw your hands up at me!" The girls do. It is, and I do not say this lightly, AWESOME. I think I love Bright Abbott, but as Couch Baron has claimed Bright for all his own, it's purely platonic love. Swear! Treat, Ephram, and Madison sit on the couch, unsure how to react to Bright's obvious musical genius. Treat says he has to have another soda, because that way he can escape to the kitchen for five minutes. Ephram: "You know sometimes you're smarter than you look?" Treat says he'll be right back, and you know he's spiking that Coke with some bourbon.
Bright finishes singing, and goes to sit down on the couch between Ephram and Madison. Even though there's more room on Ephram's side, Bright tells Madison, "Could you move down a little? You're actually kinda invading my space here." Hee! Madison can't believe how weird Ephram's friend is, but gets up anyway. Bright gives her a little "buh-bye" wave. He's all proud of what a good wing man he is.