The Miracle of Everwood

We open with a monkey in a hockey uniform. He has a hockey stick, and seems to be trying to tell us something important. Wait. The hell?

After a lengthy conversation with my seven-year-old, it seems that she thought recording MVP: Most Valuable Primate in the place of THE SHOW I GET PAID TO RECAP was a great idea. Fortunately for her, my channel-changing hand is quick, and I only missed the first minute or so. If you want that first sixty seconds recapped, well, I'm real sorry.

We come in on what I'm assuming is a flashback of Colin and Bright playing basketball. Amy comes out and says something bratty, then stomps back inside. Tiny Bright shoots, and we flash to the present. Colin walks up and says to Bright, "You always go for the three, and you always miss, too." Bright asks him if he can do any better. Colin says, "Maybe," and starts to take off his arm sling. He grabs the ball from a stunned Bright, dribbles around him, and shoots. He makes the layup, of course. Bright's all, "Dude!" Colin says the sling is history, because he's finished with his rehab. They high-five and do some manly slapping, and Colin challenges Bright to a little one-on-one. Colin is way better than Bright, by the way. Amy walks out, sees them playing, and smiles one of her cheesy "I'm in looooove with Coma Boy, and he's alive! ALIVE!" smiles. Irv says some stuff, but I'm not sure what he's talking about, because I missed the first part of his narration. More's the pity. Heh. Credits.

Diner. Treat sits to Patch Abbott and orders breakfast. Treat tells Patch that "some magazine" is sending a guy to interview him. Patch snorts something about Treat's interview going between the daily crossword and a recipe for...Hakuna Matata? Ah, no. The captions say "Tuna Frittata," a recipe with which I thank the Lord every day I'm not acquainted. And, hee. I missed Patch. Treat informs him that it's actually "New York Magazine. Ever heard of Joel Horowitz?" Patch chokes on his coffee. "Joel Horowitz covered Rwanda! Last year a lone he interviewed Arafat, and Brad, and JENNIFER!" Treat shrugs. Patch can't believe Horowitz wants to interview Treat. Treat says that Joel wants to do a piece on "City Mouse Turned Country Doctor." Patch says, "I accepted the fact that life stopped being fair to me long ago, but this is too much for anyone." Heh. Treat suggests that maybe Patch will say something interesting while Joel's in town, and he'll be quoted. Patch gets an evil glint in his eye. He starts making up quotes about country doctors, and tells Treat to shut up while he writes them down on a napkin.

Treat's office. He asks Edna to go pick up some medical supplies. Edna says that they're all stocked up. Treat says he needs a new "Heart Start FR-2 Plus" defibrillator. Edna says that the one they have is fine. Treat: "Oh, it's broken. It's bad." Edna wants to know if Treat is trying to get rid of her. Treat: "No!" Edna: "Are you lying to me?" Treat: "Yes!" Edna says she's not going to embarrass him in front of the "schmancy-pants" reporter. She says she doesn't "give a rat's hat about some big-city dink, thinks he knows it all." God, I love Edna. Treat tells her to write a letter to the editor if she has a problem with Joel, but to otherwise shut it. She grins evilly.

Cut to choir practice at the high school. I want to tell you that the choir isn't singing the cheesiest rendition of the "Theme from Cheers" that I've ever heard, but then I'd be lying. The choir teacher looks ecstatic. You know she just had a crush on Woody. Ephram and Amy stand together, singing as little as possible. I can't believe they're the only ones in the class who think this is super-queer, but whatever. They start chatting about how much this sucks, and the teacher tells them to pay attention. "Less alto, more vibrato!" Hee. They got in trouble. The door opens, and Colin swaggers in. The teacher stops the singing to ask what he needs. Colin says he needs Amy Abbott right away. The teacher asks if everything's all right. Colin: "Yeah, Miss Abbott just needs to play hooky the rest of the afternoon. It's rather urgent." The teacher just nods, and Colin and Amy leave. Okay, first of all, what the hell is going on? And secondly, "play hooky"? Nice one, Tom Sawyer. Don't let Becky soil her pinafore when y'all go looking for that buried treasure.

Delia's school. Little cutie is putting her backpack up, and a little redheaded kid picks up something she dropped. Delia tells him, "You have to stop following me around, Arnie!" Arnie says he can't, because he's already decided he's her boyfriend. By the way, Arnie is cute, but he looks about four, so I'm a little creeped out. Delia agrees, but says that Arnie has to do whatever she says. Smart girl. ["Except isn't this a recycled Ruthie plot from 7th Heaven?" -- Sars]

Evil Miss Violet enters and tells the kids to sit down and be quiet. She tells a little girl, "Put that book away! You should know better than to be reading in my classroom." Shut up, Violet. Miss Violet announces that, for their class trip, they're going to the Ancient Egypt Exhibit at the Museum of History. She adds, "This fine idea came from Miss Squeaky Wheel herself -- Delia, take a bow." Delia bows. The class claps. Arnie leans over and tells a classmate, "She's my girlfriend." Aw.

Treat's office. Sars's other boyfriend (slut! ["'HUSBAND,' missy" -- Sars]) walks in and introduces himself to Treat as the reporter Joel Horowitz. Treat says he's been practicing charming banter in his head all day. Joel laughs and says, "Oh, that's fun." He can't believe somebody as esteemed as Treat is nervous about an interview. Joel doesn't want to get right into the "twenty questions" interview -- he suggests they take a walk around town so Treat can show him Everwood. As they're leaving, Edna walks by with a grimace. Treat doesn't introduce them, and rushes Joel outside. Edna rolls her eyes. I do too.

Treat tells Joel a little about Everwood, and points out that the "other country doctor" has an office across the street. He says, "Though he's more of a misplaced city dweller than a corncob-pipe kind of a guy." We'll see. They stop at a fruit stand, and a lady nervously introduces herself to Joel as "THE Martha Thompson, four-time winner of the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Cake-Off?" Joel just stares, but I know who you are, Mrs. Thompson. Your cake is delicious, indeed. Joel tells Treat that journalists can have that effect on people, but it wears off eventually. Treat sees Irv approaching, and assures Joel that Irv is a "guaranteed normal person." Irv shakes Joel's hand cheerfully, and says that he never cared for journalists himself, because they might come into town and "completely miss the more captivating story of the lone black man living in a racially homogenous town." I hear you, Irv. I'm married to an Actual Chinese Man from a small town in Louisiana. Treat just shakes his head, and Joel looks amused. Joel says he's not all that interested in the town, or the country doctor thing -- he came to find out what happened to Treat. He says everyone in New York thinks Treat is just on a sabbatical. Treat says it doesn't matter what they think. Joel says that Treat is too good at what he does not to be up to something, and he wants to know what. Treat: "I'm guessing we just jumped to the twenty questions."

High school gym. The coach tells the class they're going to play five-on-five, and for Bright to pick first. He says, "Umm...Colin Hart!" The class cheers, and Colin jumps up, but the coach blows his whistle and tells Colin he can't play today. Colin says that it's fine, because his sling came off yesterday. The coach says, "Good for you. Now step aside." Colin argues that he can play. Coach Asshole says he doesn't care if Colin can dunk from the foul line, to sit down until he sees a doctor's note. Everyone boos, and Colin storms out. Ephram is just walking in late, and the coach says, "Late again, Brown." He tells him to run a lap for every minute that he's late. Ephram says he got stuck in lab, and he's working on a study about what makes coaches call people by their last names. Hee. Also, Ephram got a new haircut. I can't say I didn't recommend it, because it looks fabulous. Helloooo, Ephram.

Ephram is changing in the locker room, fighting a stubborn sock, when he hears a giant crash. He walks out into the hallway to find Colin absolutely DEMOLISHING the coach's office with a baseball bat. It's fucking scary, and I'm thinking that maybe Colin needs to find himself an anger management class. Glass breaks, Colin screams, and the coach runs in to restrain him. Ephram and Bright are incredulous. The coach continues to try to restrain Colin, who is still out of his damn mind, and we go to commercial.

We come back to the principal's office, where Colin and Ephram sit, listening to him lecture. The coach stands behind the principal, clearly upset. Colin bites his nails and pretends to listen, because he's INSANE. He says that Colin's been through a lot, and that it's understandable to be frustrated, but he knows that "this incident was not without provocation." Here, he looks pointedly at the coach. Uh, what? So it's the coach's fault that Colin dropped his basket? I don't think so, mister. The coach apologizes and says that he was insensitive. This is bullshit. Principal Denial continues that since no one was hurt, he doesn't think it's necessary to get parents involved. Ephram can't believe it. He's all, "So that's it?" In Bizarro World, it is, sweet Ephram. So that's it.

Cut to Amy and Bright, outside. Amy's worried Colin will be expelled. Bright says that there's nothing to worry about, because Colin is "like Teflon." Amy babbles on and on, freaking out some more, until Colin walks out of the office and tells them that everything's cool. Amy says, "Really?" Ephram walks by and says, "It is now." Heh. Good for you, Schmoopy. Amy hugs Colin, and he gives Bright a scary psycho smile. Ew.

Brown House. Joel and Treat sit at the table, talking about Treat's childhood. He says his dad was an auto mechanic, and a great one at that. Treat smiles and says that his dad specialized in French cars, not because they were the ones that required the most servicing, but because they were the hardest to get right. Aw, Treat loved his daddy! Joel asks Treat if he misses neurosurgery. Treat says he does good work in Everwood, but that he does sometimes. He says it's worth being in Everwood for the kids, even though they have their good days and bad days. Ephram walks in here, and Treat asks him to sit down. Ephram just keeps on walking. Treat: "Everything okay?" Ephram: "No." Treat: "You wanna talk?" Ephram: "Totally." Heh. Treat tells Joel sheepishly that it's not one of the good days.

Delia's room. She's wrapping Arnie from head to toe in toilet paper, asking him how he could be scared of mummies. She says, "I bet they're even scarier at night!" and switches off the light. Arnie squeals for her to turn it back on. She does, and says, "You're so easy." She continues wrapping him up, and says she wishes they could see the museum at night, like in The Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler. Yay! I loved that book. Arnie makes a face. Delia says, "We're reading it for class? We just had a test on it!" Arnie doesn't get it. Because he can't READ yet. He's four years old, I swear. Delia says she bets she could pull it off. Arnie says she'll get busted. Delia: "I won't get busted because you're going to help me." She screams for Treat. He walks in and says, "What is it, kiddo?" Delia asks if she can sleep over at Arnie's the night. Treat says she can, and he'll call Arnie's mom. Delia tells him that they already talked to her, and it's fine. Treat looks skeptical, but agrees. Delia grins, and happily wraps Arnie's head in toilet paper. Little bad thing.

High school music room. Ephram's practicing his piano, and Amy walks in. She tells him, "One more try and that bitch is YOURS." Um, when did Amy become Ludacris? Ephram says no way, that he skipped ahead. Amy asks if he's practicing for his recital. Ephram says (sexily), "No, the recital piece I can actually play; this is impossible." Amy leans against the piano (unsexily) and tells Ephram that Colin said "you tried to get him busted." WHAT? Oh, yes. Kookoo. Ephram says he'll talk about anything else, even sports, but he doesn't want to talk about Colin. Some other blah blah happens, but basically, Colin lied his ass off to Amy about what happened, and tried to tell Amy that Ephram was going to say he was sick, so that Amy would doubt Colin. It's all very confusing, I know, but try to keep up. Ephram wonders why everyone thinks he's dumb, and asks, "Do I dress dumb?" Brother, I can answer that one for you: No man who can wear a pair of jeans like you do (love your ass! CALL ME, EPHRAM!!!! ASS!) dresses dumb. Amy says, "It's your fault, you know...you're the one who told me to have faith." Ephram looks away. She says that she's not going to give up on Colin, even if she's the only one who doesn't, and that whatever's wrong, Colin can handle it. Ephram: "No he can't." Good Lord, finally. Somebody needed to tell Amy and, clearly, the rest of the whole damn town that Colin has lost every marble he had. Amy says if Colin can't, she can. Ephram retorts, "Good luck with that." Heh.

Cut to the museum, where Delia's class is lining up to leave. They all have Egyptian masks on, and it's all very cute. One little kid tells Mean Violet, "I'm a mummy!" Mean Violet: "Not until high school, sweetheart." Hee. Mean Violet tells the kids to line up, and Delia tells Arnie to get ready for their plan. When Mean Violet calls Delia's name to get on the bus, Arnie says, "Here!" in a girl voice, and Delia takes off. Sneaky, sis. She runs into the bathroom as Music Of Whimsy plays.

Abbott House of Country Doctors. Bright is reading practice interview questions out to Patch, who answers them just like a country doctor should. Bright bitches that this is something Amy should be doing. Patch says she would, if she were speaking to him. Still? Man, she needs to cool it, before I ground her ass. Patch asks Bright if his answer was good, and Bright just doesn't care. Neither do I. Patch tells Bright to pay more attention, and move on to the question. Bright: "And tell me, Doctor, what are your feelings on homos?" Hee! Silly Bright. Patch corrects him, "That's 'HMOs,' Bright. Content!" He keeps bitching at Bright until the phone rings. It's Joel Horowitz, of course, but he doesn't want to talk to Patch. He wants Amy Abbott. God.