Moonlight Sonata

We open with Irv telling us about how man is fascinated by the nighttime sky. "Ancient peoples believed that the heavens were ruled by a pantheon of gods, while others thought that the stars were diamonds, dangling just out of reach." Amy and Feisty Nurse Edna are driving in Edna's truck at night. Amy's actually kind of cutely talking about Colin, and how her dad doesn't understand. Edna says she gets why Amy might want to "grab [Patch] by the hair and beat his head against the wall until he barks like a fox." Foxes bark? I had no idea. Edna says the trick is not to let Patch get to Amy; she says "it's all about power." Which makes me sad, because now I'm worried that Feisty Nurse Edna might be the First Evil. Amy tells her grandmother that she's the only person in the family who has even tried to see her side, and really "gets" her. Edna snorts. As well she should. Amy invites Edna and Irv over for dinner the night. Edna says Patch might be pissed. Amy says that'd be a bonus.

Edna's phone rings. It's Colin. Amy says she gave him Edna's cell number so he could reach her. Christ. Amy fawns all over the phone, when Edna suddenly pulls the truck off the road. They both jump out and stare at the sky. It's some crazy glowy golden swirly thing. Irv tells us that modern science is more helpful than ever before in unraveling the mysteries of the night sky. Edna asks Amy what the hell it is, but Amy's already back in the car talking to Colin again. Ugh. Irv reminds us that "the closer we get to the stars, the less we actually understand them." Credits.

Brown house. Treat has made what looks like a crepe, but turns out to be an omelet. He gives it to Delia and tells her to be "honest, but constructive." She tastes it and hesitantly declares it edible. Ephram, Eeee! comes down and asks Treat if he remembered to pick up his suit. Treat says he picked both of theirs up, and asks Ephram if dark blue is appropriate for an Everwood recital. Uh, what? Since when are there appropriate recital colors? Do they not let you in if you're wearing pinstripes? Treat says he cancelled all of his appointments for Friday, because he doesn't want anything to interfere with the recital. Ephram says it isn't a big deal, but you know it totally is. Delia wants to know if Ephram gets to do the "finale," because he "always gets to do the finale." She says it means he's the best. Ephram says he doesn't know yet, and as he'll be playing "with guys named Billy Jack," it's not as great in Everwood. Heh. Billy Jack Bitch? He asks Treat how many people he invited, and Treat says, "Don't you trust me?" Ephram: "No." Treat says he invited Nina, Sam, Edna, Irv, and Harry. Ephram asks who Harry is. Treat: "Look, if you don't want Harry to come, I'll uninvite him, but he's going to be very upset." Hee. Ephram tells Treat if he sees one video camera, he's walking out. He also reminds Treat that he's in charge of cups. Delia tells Treat she's got his back. Aw.

Treat's office. Treat tells a giant bearded man that he's never met a real lumberjack before, even though this is totally the same guy from last week's episode, when Treat was treating (hee!) the tree-living hippie. We remember, Berlanti! Don't treat us like dummies! Lumberjack and his tiny tiny wife, Betsy, tell Treat that LJ has all this bruising on his chest and stomach. Treat wants to run tests, but LJ says that he has to go to Alaska to work for a couple of months, since things are slow around Everwood. Betsy isn't having it. She insists that LJ stay until they know for sure what's wrong. Gah. This MEOW is going to MESUCK.

Abbott House of Tense Family Dinners. Edna is trying to describe to Irv what the weird sky thing looks like. Bright says the only explanation is aliens. As he says this, he's making his mashed potatoes into a miniature version of the Close Encounters Tower. Either that, or the Abbotts are having Liver Pate En Masque for dinner. Patch reprimands Bright for being silly. Bright asks Patch who he thinks the little green men are going to ask to board the mothership first. Amy: "We should be so lucky." God, shut up. Again with the daddy hate. And I'll tell you another thing: If she knew what side her bread were buttered on, she'd be damn nice to her daddy, because Patch clearly adores her and she's about to ruin it. Irv wonders why they have to figure it out at all; he says there are lots of things that can't be explained: "Stonehenge, crop circles, Edna's aversion to cooking..." Heh. I love that Edna doesn't cook. Edna snarks that Irv doesn't exactly look like he's starving. Patch says he hates to end the "aimless debate," but that it's clear that the thing in the sky is the Aurora Borealis. Amy tells Patch that he's wrong. Then she launches into a tedious and bore-ealis speech about how it couldn't possibly be the Northern Lights, and I don't really care why, so I think I won't tell you. Bright calls her "Miss Honors Science," and she tells Bright that God had to do something with the other half of his brain. I wish he would hit her.

Amy suddenly tells her grandmother that she thinks they should go out together and figure out what the sky thing is all about. Edna looks interested, and not just a little bit happy. Patch says that Amy can't do anything, because she's grounded. She apparently broke her curfew and stayed at Colin's too late. Of course. Amy says it's not like she's going to be doing anything that counts as "fun, no offense." Edna laughs and says, "None taken." To give her credit, Amy is very good at making shit up that her parents will believe. They're looking like they are going to let her go. Bright: "Do you think if aliens probed you, you would still be a virgin?"

Ephram and the other students are in an auditorium, rehearsing. Some kid who looks like he might have eaten Delia is plinking out the saddest little tune I think I've ever heard. Ephram asks him if that's his recital piece. The kid says, "No! I've got something really exciting planned. 'Axel F' from Beverly Hills Cop!" Oh, man. I think every piano student in the universe played that song at some point or another. That, and "Memory" from Cats. My favorite part was the big finale on the "Touch meeeeee! It's so easy to leeeeeave me!" verse. I rocked that bitch, and don't you forget it. ["Don't forget the Hill Street Blues theme, a bitch that I myself rocked on one occasion." -- Sars] Big Gay Asshole (who, it seems, is not as gay as previously thought, so you can insert your own "G" word there if you like) comes in and tells the group that they've got two days to rehearse, so they'll split up into groups of two, and the first person will be a page-turner for the other. He says he will give them the order in which they'll play on Friday. So I guess this is Wednesday? Also, when did I become Pamie? Why am I worried about the timeline? BGA tells Ephram that he's with "Kate," a little redheaded girl standing to him. Ephram and Kate tell each other hi, and Ephram tells Kate that she can play first. Kate says she's been playing with BGA for a couple of years, and soon enough we'll find out just how true that statement really is. And as a side note, I think Kate might be a robot. This girl has all the spunk of a bag of very boring dirt. She sits down to play, and -- surprise! -- starts to rock. Ephram looks stunned. Kate looks like she might pee on herself. BGA looks on in the background. Ephram looks at Kate in shock and awe. Commercials.

Back at the Brown house, Treat walks in and shows Delia the millions of cups he's bought for the recital. He says he didn't know which kind to buy, so he bought all of them. Aw, look at the overcompensating former bad daddy! Delia skeptically tells Treat that he might have to take some back. Ephram: "Either that or throw a kegger." He cutely grabs one of the cups and gets himself some water. That has nothing to do with the plot, but sometimes we need to be reminded of Ephram's adorable ways. Treat says the cups are for the guests, that he sent out invitations, and four people already RSVPed. Ephram tells him to get them back. Treat doesn't understand. Ephram says he's decided he didn't want anybody there. Treat asks why. Ephram says he just doesn't, okay? Treat: "Does this have something to do with Mom? I know your last recital..." Ephram: "No, it's got nothing to do with that. That's not what everything's about." Oh, man. Break my heart. Treat asks what it is about, then. Ephram says that just because it's not about his mom doesn't mean he's going to tell. He walks out, and Delia tells her dad, "We could throw a pregger!" Hee.

God. Cut to the "Everwood Pinecone," whose headline reads something about aliens invading Everwood. Tons of people are out in the streets, buying alien dolls and other memorabilia. Silly outer space music plays. Patch drives through the crowd and under a giant banner that says "Welcome to Everwood" in alien font. Patch parks and rolls his eyes at the "tie-dyed space freaks." No shit. Some hippie says something about "power vortices," and Patch says, "Power vortices? Is that something you picked up in Ben & Jerry's physics class?" Heh. Patch tells him that there is no life in outer space, "DUDE." Treat calls from across the street, "According to Carl Sagan there is other life in the universe." Patch says he knew he could expect that kind of talk from Treat. Treat tells Patch he knows that if there were an alien race that didn't watch Joe Millionaire, he'd be all over it. Patch says he'd have been beamed up long ago if that were true, but it ain't.

Treat's Office of Lumberjack Wackiness. He's stitching up LJ, and says his problem is obviously something other than a vitamin deficiency. Betsy wants to know if it could be aliens. Oh, whatever. Shut up, Betsy. Treat says if he had to bet on a fight between aliens and LJ, he'd pick LJ every time. Edna smarts that they could always bring in Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster for questioning. Heh. Treat asks LJ how he sleeps, and if he ever sleepwalks. LJ says he used to, but that he and Betsy are super-heavy sleepers now. Treat says he wants to do a sleep clinic nevertheless, and that way maybe they can find out what's wrong. Treat gives LJ a Treat-smile and says, "I'll bring the milk, you bring the cookies." Gah. I want to hate his cheesy lines, I do! Why does Treat have to be so cute, damn it?

High school. Amy finds an invitation to Ephram's recital in her locker. Goodness, those are fine invitations for such short notice. Amy looks at it and says to herself, "Oh! Ephram's recital. Cool." Nice one, Mistress Obvious. She sees Ephram in the hall, and he tells her he didn't know Treat sent her an invitation. Amy tells him to consider her RSVPed. Ephram: "Sure about that?" Amy says of course she is. Ephram says he doesn't know if it's the best idea for her to be there. He tells her that he appreciates her trying to act like everything's normal with the "whole Colin thing," but it's not, and a break from each other might be the best thing right now. Amy tells him he guesses she's right. She leaves, and Ephram rolls his eyes at his own self. Aw. Come over here, boo, I'll make it better. Ephram sees KateBot walking down the hall towards him. Because she's always been in Everwood at the same school, and he's never noticed another person who's a piano whiz. Riiiiight. Ephram tells her hi, and says he's never noticed her before. Kate says, "Should you have?" Except she is so monotone that it sounds like, "Shoojooav?" I sort of hate her. Ephram says he likes to know when he's in the presence of greatness. KateBot nods and doesn't care. Ephram tells her she was amazing at rehearsal. Kate: "So you didn't notice that my dynamics were off, my fingering was wrong, and I rushed the tempo on the allegra?" Shut up, KateBot. Also, take that giant braid out of your hair, Willie Nelson. Ephram says he's just glad he's not going to have to follow her. KateBot says there's no way she's going to play the finale, BGA knows what he's doing, blah blah blah. She walks off. Ephram stares after her. He thinks of his recapper girlfriend whom he NEVER CALLS CALL ME EPHRAM, and a little tear rolls down his cheek.

Mama Joy's Diner. There's a line out the door because of all the alien freaks in town. Patch pushes his way in, and sighs when he sees that the only seat available is across from Treat. He sits down and tells Treat, "This is maybe the first time this year that you are not the craziest person in Mama Joy's." Treat: "Thanks!" Hee. Treat tells Patch that he has to "disinvite" him from the recital. He says he has no choice. Patch says he takes the "crazy" comment back. Treat says he can't figure out what Ephram wants. Patch blows it off as nervousness. Chuck the Lumberjack rushes up to tell Treat that he needs to cancel their sleep clinic, and wonders if they can do it the night after. Treat says it's no problem, and LJ leaves smiling. Patch stares at Treat. "What were we just talking about?" Treat finally remembers that the night is Ephram's recital. He looks at Patch and says, "I don't suppose you've ever run a sleep clinic?" Patch says he's not doing it. Treat tells Patch about LJ's mysterious problem, and worries that if he waits too long, the Everwood lights will disappear, and with it, LJ's bruises. He goes on to say that tiny Betsy is convinced that aliens did this to her husband, so much so that it's going to be in the Pinecone. Patch relents, and says the only reason he'll do it is to disprove the yo-yos who believe in aliens. Hee. Patch got tricked.

Abbott House. Amy and Edna are in Amy's room, trying to find something on the internet about Everwood's weird sky thing. Edna's asking why something isn't possible. Amy tells her that blah blah blah too high above the Earth's surface, atmosphere blah blah, and the Everwood lights are too bright for blah. Did you get all that? Meanwhile, Amy's chatting on IM with Colin, who is asking if they've found anything. I'd like to take this time to tell you that, due to TiVo's fabulous slow-motion capabilities, Colin's accident left him with the deeply sad notion that "LOL," "IMHO," and animated smileys are actually used by normal people. Chat much, Everwood writers? Edna asks Amy what the IM window is. Amy lies that it's "just an internet thing." Amy says that they've gone about as far as they can on the researching. Edna says she has to find out what it is, otherwise she'll lose her bet with Irv and he'll make her cook three meals a week for him. Amy suggests that they camp out and do some field research, and that it will be fun. Patch walks in and interrupts that Amy is grounded and can't go anywhere. Edna says that where they're going, there are no phones, no televisions, and with Edna as chaperone, it'll be more like prison than an actual prison. Edna's good. Amy says it'll be practically like homework. Patch says she can go, but since it's like homework, he wants a thousand-word report on his desk by Monday explaining what they did. Damn! He tells Amy to take it or leave it. She says she'll take it. This episode is so boring.

Recital hall. KateBot is playing again. BGA watches her play, and it sounds to me like she's kicking ass, but he tells her that she was "better, but not up to snuff." He says she better practice some more before Friday. Christ on a Big Wheel. Stupid, stupid, stupid. BGA gives the playing order, and he gives Ephram the finale. BGA tells Ephram to do them proud. KateBot drones, "What'd I tell you?" and flounces out. Commercials.