Everwood Confidential

Thanks to Sars, I can actually recap the episode now. I hate TiVo when it records the Style Channel instead of my show. And here's something you might not know: Sars has five episodes of Beverly Hills, on her TiVo playlist right now, all set to "Save Until I Delete." And you thought she didn't have taste! ["Erseven." -- Sars]

We open on shots of a house we've never seen. As the camera guides us through the rooms of the house, Irv tells us that it used to belong to a family who sold it so it could be turned into a retirement home. We come upon a room full of old people, who look to be waiting for something. They're sitting in chairs lined up against the wall, and Irv lets us know that nobody ever visits the people in the retirement home. He says that whether it's "spirits of the past or premonitions of their own future...something keeps them away." Perhaps it's the taste of the strained carrots or the smell of incontinence. I'm going straight to hell.

The camera stops on the "scary" image of someone's shadow, holding up a hypodermic needle. As Irv says that sometimes a little light shines in that dark, empty place, Treat steps into the frame with his giant needle, and tells one of the old guys that it's his turn. Oh, how mysterious! How duplicitous! What looked like something sinister is actually Treat, administering flu shots! Ho HO! Not. As Edna preps the patient for his shot, he tells Treat that he needs a refill on his Viagra. Treat asks, "How's that workin' for you? Any side effects?" The patient replies, "Happiness." Hee. Treat tells "Charlie" that he thinks holding off for a while is a good idea. Charlie claims that he can't deny the ladies. Ew. Edna ushers Charlie out, and introduces the patient to Treat as "The Honorable Judge Marvin Harris." Judge Marvin, who looks to be a little kookoopants, starts singing a song to himself. Treat asks him if he likes Billie Holiday, so I guess that's what he's singing. Judge Marvin says that he and his wife dance to that song every Saturday at the USO. Yep, kookoopants. Or a MEOW called Alzheimer's. Judge Marvin tells Treat that he's been married since '52, so seven years, and that he just started practicing law, but isn't a judge yet. Edna shoots Treat an "uh-oh" look. Treat's happy grin fades as he realizes what's going on. I can't believe it took him that long, personally. We all knew it the second old Marv walked in the door.

Treat tells Marvin to roll up his sleeves, as Edna walks over toTreat to exposit that he doesn't have Alzheimer's, but "standard senile dementia." She says it's gotten a lot worse since his wife died, and that Marvin was "Hal Senior's" best friend, and Patch Abbott's godfather. She says that it's heartbreaking to see him like this. Yes, I'm sure it is, but since I'm already going to hell, I'll tell you that insane elderly patients are some of my favorite stock characters. How much you want to bet that old Marv will provide us with some kookoo comic relief this episode? Treat tells Marvin that his shot won't hurt a bit. Marv suddenly grabs Treat's hand and says, "It does hurt. It hurts SO MUCH." Wha? Marvin looks scary when he's being senile. He tells Treat, "I killed him. There was blood everywhere. Dead and buried. So no one will ever find him." Treat looks scared, too.

All of a sudden, sirens blare in the background. Cut to the police leading Marvin out as Edna tells Treat, "NOW look what you've done." Treat says he called for backup, not a SWAT team. The police chief tells Treat, "Between busting Irma's dope supply and this, I might have to deputize you, Doc." Heh. He tells Treat that he just caught "Everwood's Public Enemy Number One." Fight the power! Fight the power, Treat! Police Chief says that they've been trying to crack the "Horace Hempleman" case for over thirty years. Edna tells him to shut up. Treat wants to know who this Horace is, and we find out that he was a handsome drifter who stopped in Everwood for a while. All the ladies loved him, all the men were jealous, he was very charming, blah blah. One day he just disappeared, and left nothing behind but an old shoe, stabbed through which was a knife and a note that read, "Dead and Buried." Uh huh. Edna rolls her eyes and tells Treat, "I told you we shouldn'ta said anything, BIG MOUTH." She walks out in a huff. Police Chief tells Treat, "Because of your tip, Everwood can sleep safe and sound for the first time in thirty years." Wacky Music of Mystery plays, and we go to the credits. I fix my first drink, because I have a feeling that this is going to WEAR ME OUT.

Treat's in Delia's bedroom. She's lying on the bed, and he asks her why she didn't tell him she wasn't feeling good earlier. Delia: "I'm a trooper." Yay, Delia's back! Thanks for finally listening, Berlanti. Treat removes the thermometer from Delia's mouth and tells her that she has a pretty high fever, and it's probably the flu. Delia worries that her dad will get it because he just "touched her spit." Treat tells her that doctors don't get the flu. Which means he'll have it by the end of this episode. Treat tells Delia to put on her pajamas while he goes to see if Nina can watch her for a while. Delia worries that Nina will get the flu, too. Treat says that he won't be gone long; he just has to go to the police station to "fix this whole thing" with Judge Marvin. Delia says, "The man you sent to prison?" Hee. Treat argues that he did NOT send Marv to prison. Delia says, "He's really old, isn't he?" Treat: "Uh...78." Delia says that he's probably going to die in jail, and that Treat must feel pretty bad. I love it when Delia's innocently snarky. Treat says that NO ONE is dying in jail. He gets up to leave. Delia tells her dad that he should probably get her some juice before he goes, because "the kitchen's really far away, and [she's] feeling really weak." Somebody let me adopt this kid. She and my seven-year-old would get along just fine. We have twin beds and I'll let you drink Coke after supper, Delia! Treat rolls his eyes and goes to get his patient some juice.

Cut to a town meeting, where it seems the whole town has gathered, including one "reporter" from The Pinecone. Mayor Rose is trying to calm everyone down. She says that she doesn't know much either, but that right now the Police Chief is taking Judge Marvin's statement, and he'll be processed accordingly. The "reporter" asks Rose if he'll be fingerprinted. She says yes. He asks if that'll be in black ink or red ink. Rose wants to know what that has to do with anything. "Reporter": "The Pinecone readers deserve to know!" Heh. I wish I wrote for The Pinecone. Brenda The Nosy Real Estate Agent says she bets Marv bludgeoned Horace to death with a hammer, just like in Presumed Innocent. If we have to do this with the pop culture references, can they at least be entertaining? Please see "Girls, Gilmore" in your handy-dandy Not Stupid Pop Culture Reference Book, writers. Rose says that's ridiculous, that there's no murder weapon, motive, or body. Patch bursts in through the crowd and bellows, "Or a MURDER!" He walks up to the front and says that the drifter probably just drifted to another town. He demands that Marv be released immediately, and that the crowd, whom he calls "fish-wrap tabloid consumers" (hee!), pack it up and go home. He says that Marv was his dad's closest friend, and that he's "mad as a duck" and can't possibly be confessing to anything truthful. "Tomorrow he'll be confessing to being a turkey sandwich; what do we do then, serve him at a deli?" A random townsperson says that Dr. Brown would never send an innocent man to jail. Everyone turns to look at Treat, who is standing in the back. Treat sheepishly says, "I didn't send anyone to jail! All I did was call for backup! I mean, help. Advice." Treat's so cute when he's in trouble. Patch tells Treat that he'll be talking to Marvin from now on. Treat says the least he could do was get Marvin out of the mess that Treat put him in. Patch says, "And with your help, he'll end up in the electric chair!" Rose tells the crowd that nobody can talk to Marv until the Police Chief is finished, and that if there are no more questions, they can end the meeting. The "reporter" says, "Yeah, just one more. Do you know if the prisoner will be getting a hot lunch or just a sandwich?" Rose holds her head so it doesn't explode.

High school. Ephram walks through the hall and sees all manner of couples hugging, kissing, and making out, including one extra with the ugliest hair I've ever seen. Laynie walks up behind him and says, "Nightmare, isn't it?" She looks really cute, in a red shirt with a her hair all tied up with a scarf. Ephram wants to know what's going on, and she tells him it's Valentine's Day aftermath, and that by the end of the week, they'll all be broken up. They talk some more about how, by the weekend, "the hall will be littered with [the new couples'] crispy corpses," and Ephram suddenly says, "So." Laynie: "So." Aw, the awkwardness! Ephram asks Laynie if she wants to do something on the weekend, and Laynie comments that Ephram is getting better at asking her out. She smiles sweetly at him, and takes his hand. They walk down the hall slowly to Rock Music of Lovey-Dovey Happiness. It's really cute, until Amy walks up and ruins it. Ephram immediately lets go of Laynie's hand. Ouch! I don't even think he meant to do it; it was like an unconscious move, but Laynie certainly noticed. She shoots rays of hate into Ephram's eyes. Amy, oblivious, hands Laynie a book and a letter to take to Colin in Denver. Laynie says she'll make sure he gets it. Amy walks off, and Ephram, also oblivious, asks Laynie, "So, about this weekend?" Laynie totally blows him off and says she just remembered she has plans. She flounces away to class, and Ephram stands there wondering what the hell just happened. You screwed up, baby boo. That's what happened.

Cut to the police station, where Judge Marvin is being held in an interrogation room. Patch and Treat walk in, and Patch tells Marv hello. Marv starts rambling about the Tonight Show, and Patch tells Treat that it's a good sign that Marv is commenting on current events. Treat asks him since when did anyone laugh at the Tonight Show? He asks Marv who the host is. Marv: "Steve Allen, of course." Wow, this is so predictable. I'm already sick of it. Waiter! Treat asks Marv if he knows who "Dr. Abbott" is. Marv replies that he's known "Hal" ever since he moved to Everwood, and inquires after "Edna and the kids." Good God. Marv leans forward and says, "I tried to do what you said, Hal. You told me I'd get in trouble...if I didn't get rid of the body, so I did. I burned it in the back yard. Dead AND buried." Police Chief says, "He did kill Horace Hempleman." Treat: "And he may have had an accomplice." Uh-oh. Hal Senior seems to be in posthumous trouble. I bet you Patch won't be having any of THAT. Patch looks around, stunned, while Marv starts singing that damnable song again, uncaring of the weirdness unfolding around him.

Brown House of Piano Virtuosity. Matthew Lansing is telling Ephram to play a new song by Beethoven. He tells Ephram that Beethoven was only a little older than Ephram when he wrote the song. Ephram says he bets Beethoven didn't have ten pages of algebra homework every night, either. M. Lansing: "Play." He's getting on my nerves. Ephram starts to play. M. Lansing barks, "Too slow. Faster!" Ephram tries to play faster. M. Lansing tells him it's still too slow, and bangs the cover down over the keys. Oh, no he didn't. You could have really hurt my boyfriend's fingers, you jackass. And also, shut up. Ephram stares at him and says, "You could have broken my fingers!" M. Lansing smarts back, "You're young. You'd heal quick." He shoves Ephram off the bench and starts playing the piece himself, perfectly. Asshole. Show-off. He finishes and tells Ephram he hasn't been practicing. Ephram says he was going to, but last week was Valentine's and he had a date. M. Lansing totally changes his tune (hee), and says, "A girl thing! That happens to be the one excuse that I'll accept." Sure, pal. Ephram tells him about Laynie, and they bond a little over girls. Except M. Lansing is totally gay. No, he is. He's got to be. Call it a hunch, or a blatantly obvious way of trying to make him seem interested in girls when, later in the season, he'll be outed fabulously. Whatever. Treat walks in with a tray, and tells Ephram to take it upstairs to Delia while he writes M. Lansing's check. Treat starts to write the check, and tells M. Lansing, who shall henceforth be known as "Big Gay Asshead," because I can, that Ephram played some hard piece of music when he was really little. Big Gay Asshead tells Treat that he wishes he'd stay out of the room during the lesson. Treat looks at him, taken aback, and Big Gay Asshead goes on to say, "I wouldn't want to muddy the waters with whatever issues you and Ephram have with each other." Huh? What in God's world does he think he's talking about? He's been to their house, like, twice. Treat says that he and Ephram don't have any issues, and hands the check over. Big Gay Asshead looks at the check and tells Treat that since the lesson went a half hour over, it's going to be fifty dollars extra. See? Big! Gay! Asshead! Treat jerks the check back and looks at BGA all, "You better watch your step, little boy, because I am Treat and I'll kick your little ass all OVER this living room." Commercial.

Patch and Treat walk out, still wondering who Jim is. Treat says that the police can't hold Marvin, because there's no evidence that a "Jim" ever existed. Patch says that Everwood will still think his dad had something to do with it, and that "this town holds onto a juicy scandal like it was the Shroud of Turin." Hee. I did a report on the Shroud of Turin in the sixth grade, and I still perk up when somebody mentions it. Ah, the life of a gigantic nerd. Patch says that he couldn't handle it if his father's name weren't cleared. Treat has a bright idea! They will send Edna to Town Hall to cross-reference and check and blah blah, and find every Jim that ever lived in Everwood. They get all excited. Treat tells Patch to go to his office and start assembling the bones from the site, and that he's right behind him. Patch asks him what he's going to do in the meantime. Treat: "I gotta make dinner first." Good daddy! Fight the power!

Cut to Ephram's hands, playing at his lesson. Big Gay Asshead stands by, applauding when Ephram finishes. He compliments the playing, and Ephram says he's been practicing. BGA notes that Ephram got his "mojo" back. Speaking of mojo, a friend of mine has a company by the same name that makes super cute t-shirts. Great. Now along with being a recapper and unemployed, I'm AB Chao the T-Shirt Pimper! Ask me how! Ephram grins and says he has another date with Laynie. He says he's still working on where they're going. BGA, now a little too enthusiastic, tells Ephram he knows a great jazz bar outside of town called "Ezekiel's," whose piano man will rock his world. Ephram says he can't get into a bar, but BGA says he can put Ephram's name on the list. Ephram: "But it's a bar." BGA assholily asks Ephram, "Is that going to be a problem with your DAD?" Man alive, he's mean. Ephram manages to stutter out, "Nah. He'll be fine with it." Cut to...

Treat telling Ephram, "Over my dead body!" Ephram claims that he didn't even have to tell his dad, and Treat starts to say something, but sneezes instead. He remarks, "This old blanket must be full of dust!" And THEN places it on poor sick Delia, who's lying on the couch. Nice work, Treat. Choke your flu-ridden daughter to death on that ugly afghan. Except we all know that there's no dust in the blanket; Treat is getting sick! And he'll probably deny it for a real long time! And we'll have to sit here and watch it! Anyway. Treat tells Ephram again that he can go to the bar over his dead body. Delia cuts in to say, "I think this compress needs more ice. It's not very cold, Daddy." Hee.