“ I don't think Irv is too pleased about having to alter the lifestyle to which he's grown accustomed. He's like a rich divorcee who's just learned she only gets ten thousand a week instead of fifty. Suck it up, Ivana. ”
We open on snowy, pretty hills and forest. Two people hike through the snow as Treat (Treat!) voice-overs, "Dear Valentine: Come away with me. If I had a day with you, and you only, I would enjoy the simple things; the things that, in the end, when time steals the rest away, are the only things we'll remember." The hikers are Feisty Edna and Irv. They walk in unison through the trees, down what looks to be a path. Treat goes on, "I would paddle you across a still lake in a rowboat, and read poetry to you until you fell asleep, and I would never, ever think about the hours..." Edna and Irv stop to look at something. They exchange witty banter about what two owls are thinking about Valentine's Day. Irv: "He's thinking, 'Would a twig be unromantic?'" Edna: "And she's thinking, 'Another twig?'" They're so sweet. I might be going into diabetic shock, though, I don't know. Irv says, "Maybe they're just like us." They kiss. Okay, they're the good kind of sweet. No shock just yet. Irv sounds winded. He asks Edna if she's ready for their picnic. Edna says she's so hungry she could eat a bear, and Irv flirts, "That's not what I was talking about." Edna tells "Romeo" to pace himself. He goes off to get set up, and Edna says she's right behind him. She looks at the owls some more, then sets off to find Irv.
Treat begins again, "Dear Valentine: If I had one day with you, and you only, I would admire every line of your face, every strand of your hair, every graceful movement of your hands, or your eyes, or your body. If I had one perfect day..." At this point, Edna's caught up to Irv. He's lying on the ground, picnic paraphernalia strewn all over the place. Edna thinks he's playing a joke, but my stomach turned when I saw him there. She says, "Now what did I say about pacing yourself?" Bad Music Of Heart Attacks plays as she realizes he's not kidding. She turns him over, and Irv whispers through labored breathing, "Get...help." Edna looks around, terrified. Treat finishes, "Don't you see? My heart beats only for you." I get chills, but pretend it's just cold in Texas during a heat wave. Credits.
Irv's in a hospital bed. Nurse Edna gives him some juice to sip, and looks overly concerned. Treat joins them and asks Irv how he's holding up. Irv says he's okay, all things considered. Edna wants to know if Treat has spoken to "Dr. Phillips." Treat says he did, and says that he gave all good news. "The cardiac episode was mild; no surgical intervention is indicated at all at this time." He tells Irv that he will have to start diurectics to bring his blood pressure down. Irv says, "And make me piss like a racehorse." I don't think Irv is too pleased about having to alter the lifestyle to which he's grown accustomed. He's like a rich divorcee who's just learned she only gets ten thousand a week instead of fifty. Suck it up, Ivana. Edna asks Treat what the probability is for another "episode." Treat says that both he and Dr. Phillips agree that Irv is in the best shape one could hope for, and that if he sticks to his diet and medication, he'll be fine. Edna doesn't look so sure. Irv thanks Treat for stopping by, especially because now Patch Abbott gets to steal his parking space.
“ Get your head out of your ass, Nina. Treat's not sad about Valentine's Day, he's sad because your 'husband' sent you the ugliest present he could find in Arizona. I know he's not in this episode, but: Shut up, Carl. ”
It gets less funny here as Laynie asks Ephram why he's still here. He says he promised his dad he'd stay. Laynie says, "That's how you get stuck in places like this. There's always someone who needs you." Ephram looks away. He's hot.
Diner. The camera focuses on a hideous-looking cactus in a pot, wrapped with a red ribbon. Treat walks in and stares at the thing before asking, "Nina?" Nina tells Treat that every year her husband sends a Valentine's bouquet representing the state he's in at the time. Ew. So does that mean if he were in, say, Wisconsin, he'd send her a bouquet of cheese? Stupidest idea ever. ["What do you mean? A bouquet of cheese would rock!" -- Sars] Treat teases, "Guadalajara?" Nina says, "Arizona. He says it'll flower, too!" Yeah, I'm sure it'll flower after I shovel prune it and throw it in the TRASH. Andy looks thoughtfully at the gnarled monstrosity Carl calls a present, and Nina says, "Oh, Andy. That was thoughtless of me." "What was?" Andy asks. Nina: "Bringing up Valentine's Day." Get your head out of your ass, Nina. Treat's not sad about Valentine's Day, he's sad because your "husband" sent you the ugliest present he could find in Arizona. I know he's not in this episode, but: Shut up, Carl.
Treat tells Nina that Valentine's Day was a non-event in his life long before Julia was gone. He says he'd have his secretary send her roses every year, but he never saw them. Aw. A voice pipes up in the background, "But would you do things differently if you had to do it again?" Treat looks over, and it's Dr. Trott. She psychobabbles, "That's how you know you've internalized change." Spare me. Treat apparently doesn't care, because he greets her warmly. Nina notices that loooove is in the air. Dr. Trott tells Treat it's great to see him, and he says he wants to sign up for his allotted psych-related timeslot. Trott tells him that it's only couples therapy this time, but then! She suggests that they "do something less formal." They agree to meet for lunch the day. Jane Krakowski looks so much better than she did on Ally McBeal. Less...pointy, or something. She's much less irritating this way. I hate her so much less that I'm not even going to make up a mean name for her. So there!
Treat goes back to sit down, and Nina sing-songs, "Aaandy, you have a daaaate!" Treat denies it. Nina: "Your shrink just made a date with you." Heh. Treat calls it a "professional lunch." Which it totally is not, because G. Trott was giving Treat some bedroom eyes behind those funky glasses of hers.
Cut to Amy and Colin, all curled up on the couch watching TV. She asks him what they should do "Friday night," and Colin says, "Maybe we could go to Fuller's Pond, like we did last year." Amy gets all happy for a minute, until Colin tells her that his mom showed him pictures from last year's Valentine's Day. Amy says, "Did you see the one where I fell on my face?" Colin laughs and says he did. He teases her that he's a better skater. She teases back. It's cute. Colin starts to tickle her, and it's one of those moments where they're so happy I think that something bad must happen soon, but it doesn't. Unless you count when Laynie and Ephram walk in the door. Colin: "Ephram." Amy: "Ephram. What are you doing here?" Laynie tells them that she found him after school hanging around the post office. She and Ephram flirt a little; then Laynie says they'll leave Amy and Colin to their tickling. Amy and Colin are surprisingly smiley about this.
“ Treat: 'Oh! Are we having wine?' He's so cute when he's freaking out. ”
Amy says if Ephram's interested in Laynie, she could help him in that department. Ephram: "Why would I want your help?" Amy grins, "You ARE interested in her!" Ephram concedes that she is pretty attractive. He says she reminds him of the girls in New York. He asks Amy what to do if he did want to ask her out. She says to say something funny, or sweet, or whatever. She says that she knows Laynie will say yes, and that all he has to do is ask. Ephram says he'll give her a finder's fee if it all works out. The bell rings. Choir director: "GREAT! That was GREAT!" Colin meets up with them from the back of the class, and says, "Whatever she's taking, I want some." Me too! Colin asks Ephram if he's still coming to his house that night for the "Animation Festival." Aw, they're bonding over the cartoons! Amy says, "It would be a perfect time to ask her!" Colin wants to know what they're talking about. Amy says that Ephram wants to ask Laynie on a date. Colin says, "I thought you two were digging on each other!" Ephram says something unintelligible about digging. Amy says it would be the perfect time: "Don't you think so, Colin?" Colin agrees. Ephram, feeling utterly forced into asking this girl on a date, nods and leaves. Amy looks a little too happy about it.
Ooh, the date. Treat's waiting for Gretchen at a restaurant table. He looks uncomfortable as hell. Gretchen walks in in a fabulous black dress. Treat stands up to greet her and says, "Wow. That's a dress." Squeeeeee! Gretchen says, "It is." Treat: "I mean, a nice dress." He suddenly gets all nervous, and asks Gretchen to sit down. He pulls her chair out for her. She thanks him, and he pushes her chair, and Gretchen with it, into the table so hard it nearly knocks over her water glass. She tries not to laugh. Treat sits down again, and starts blabbering about how nice the restaurant is. He says it's been a while since he's been to a fancy restaurant. The waiter brings them menus, and Gretchen ask for the wine list. Treat: "Oh! Are we having wine?" He's so cute when he's freaking out. Gretchen asks if it's okay, and he says by all means, it is. The waiter leaves. Treat starts talking and reaches for his water glass, and knocks over the flowers on the table. There's much commotion as he catches them at the last second, and Gretchen tells him he's got good reflexes. Uh huh. I bet she'd like to test those out, the little harlot. Treat apologizes and tries to go on talking. He says, "I was saying...I was going to say..." Gretchen looks at him expectantly. He has a total in, but then ruins it by continuing, "...I read a very interesting article recently on some new discoveries in neuroplasticity at UCLA, did you happen to pick that one up?" Oh, Treat!