Snow Job

Previously on Everwood, Amy whined about Ephram and Colin being friends; Colin buddied up to Ephram; Treat asked Ephram about his and Colin's friendship, and Ephram confirmed that it has nothing to do with silly little Amy.

We open in a darkened movie theatre. Bright makes out with the oldest teenager in the world -- seriously, y'all, she's got to be, like, forty-five years old. Heard of Botox, Gemma? Irv's voice-over is sort of unsuccessful this time, as I can barely understand what he's saying up until "the boils set in." So I have no idea what's going on, and we're five seconds into the show. Colin and Amy sit in the row ahead of Bright and Old Dirty Bastard. (Can you call a girl a bastard? If she looks like this one, you can!) They're sharing a popcorn, and...oops! Their hands touch. Colin jerks away and says, "Sorry." Amy looks annoyed, and also like she hasn't taken a bath in days. Her hair is kind of curly and greasy-looking, except for the "kind of" part. Why is everyone in Everwood so dirty this week? Get some body wash, people.

Cut to a restaurant. ODB airheads to Amy, "I like hanging out with your brother! He doesn't have a lot of facial hair, so I can kiss 'im for a long time without breakin' out, you know?" Amy says she saw. ODB complains that it was a "rilly looong movie!" She continues blabbing about hoping it wasn't weird for Amy, since she and Colin haven't kissed in so long. Amy coughs to alert stupid ODB that Colin and Bright are almost to the table. They sit down, and Bright immediately commences to make out with ODB. Amy: "Please, about to eat?" I feel the exact same way. Nauseated. Amy reminds Colin that he doesn't like garlic. Colin says they'll soon find out, and says that it does smell good. Bright bitches loudly that when they reheat the pizza, it burns the roof of his mouth, and he'll be "flicking skin of the top of [his] mouth for, like, three days." Heh. Colin looks pensive. Amy asks if he's okay. He says he thinks he's been to that restaurant before. Is he remembering? Woo! Amy says they used to go there all the time. Colin says he remembers a specific time they had been there, after a basketball game where they won a division championship. Bright confirms that they did. Everyone starts to look excited. Colin remembers playing pinball, and says to Amy, "You were there! Yeah, you were with us." Amy says it wasn't her. Colin argues that it was. Amy says that it wasn't her, it was "Laynie." Ah, Laynie -- Colin's little sister, whom we've never seen. Guess she'll be appearing later on in this episode, huh? Sad Piano Of Amnesia plays as Amy says, "No, of course you'd remember your sister first." She smiles sort of sweetly. Bright cuts the tension by saying happily, "Dude, you're remembering, that's AWESOME!" I love Bright. Credits.

Treat's office. A cute girl we've never seen before looks through some files. What is she doing? Isn't that, like, illegal? Whatever. I'd totally do it. And I only say she's "cute" because my husband just told me I looked like her. I'd like to amend "cute" to "gorgeous," please. Ephram, Eeeeeee! wheels his bike in, and notices Gorgeous Girl. He asks her, "You waiting for Dr. Brown?" Gorgeous Girl ignores him. He asks if she's looking at patient files. Gorgeous Girl says, "Not very interesting ones." Ooh, Gorgeous Girl is sassy. Ephram tells her she probably shouldn't be looking at them. GG sasses, because she's sassy, "Well, Dr. Brown probably shouldn't keep people waiting unattended for an hour." Ephram sasses back, "Well, I think that's what they have magazines for." Is there going to be a Sass Contest soon? Because I would totally watch that.

Colin and his mom suddenly walk out of Treat's office. GG runs up to them. Ephram has no idea what's going on. It's Laynie! Colin says, "I see you've met my sister." Ephram says she didn't say much. Heh. Colin says that's sort of her "thing," and that he's only really known her for the last three weeks, when she came back from boarding school. Nice trick, Everwood. Colin exposits that she seems pretty cool so far, and that she starts "County" week. Laynie "Super Pretty" Hart smirks at Ephram, and walks out. Ephram stares. Aw, he's smitten with me...er, her! Colin asks Ephram if he's going to the "Catholic Church youth group ski thing" week. Ephram says he hadn't given it much thought, seeing as he doesn't ski and isn't Catholic. Colin and I laugh a little bit, and Colin says he can't ski either, due to Treat's "blanket rule about head trauma." Hee. Colin says that Amy really wants him to go, and that he's going to need someone to hang out on the slopes with him. Ephram says he wouldn't suppose Colin believed he had "weekend plans." He might, if he would just RETURN MY PHONE CALLS. Colin reminds Ephram that if he doesn't go, he'll be abandoning Colin to suffer alone. They share a tiny laugh. I'm not going to have to start ganking Omar's Gayest Look of the Episode, am I? I certainly hope not.

Abbott House. Amy and Bright are setting the table, and Amy asks Bright if he's excited about the ski trip. Bright says, "Sure. Gemma's goin', and I go where the booty goes." He does that little "wah-KEH!" whip noise after. Hee. Bright. Amy says, "Later in life when I'm in therapy? You'll be able to take most of the credit." Bright tells Amy that she better not expect the trip to be like last year, because Colin's not the same. Amy says that at least he's not walking around with post-its anymore, and he's making jokes again. She says that Colin asked her to be his girlfriend there last year, and that going back will "fill in all the pieces." Don't hold your breath, sister.

Patch Abbott (Say it with me, Sars -- Eeeeeee! ["Eeeeeee!" -- Sars]) walks briskly in with his bottle of wine. I like a man who likes a good wine, I have to say. He says, "Going back where?" Amy reminds him about the church ski trip. Patch says they're not going this year, because they're supervised about as well as a stampede. Amy and Bright start to freak out that they just HAVE to go! Bright says, "Dad. It's a church thing. It's...to cleanse my soul." Bright gets all the good lines. Patch says, "Please. I delivered the baby that was the product of last year's bacchanal." He says it's nothing but an excuse to drink and exchange hickeys. He starts to walk out, and Amy chimes in, "You make a good point, Dad." She says some bullshit about how all they need is a good chaperone. Patch rolls his eyes, but perks up a little. Amy continues that all the kids need is someone "more capable, more respectable -- more conscientious." Patch snarks, "Would that they should be so lucky." Heh. He waits a beat, then says, "Then again, maybe it would be useful for these permissive boomer-generation non-parents to see how it's done." Amy folds napkins nonchalantly, and nods in fake agreement with her dad. Patch says, "I'll call the Youth Center now!" Amy looks smug. She's S-M-R-T.

We cut to a hockey game at someone's house. Treat and a strange man are watching the game and having a beer. Yay, Treat's got a friend! Treat asks the guy how his "date" was. The guy says, "My date? Oh, she was cute...for a crazy person." He tells Treat it started off like a pretty normal date, then she started talking about the evils of men, and then talked another hour about her trip to Cancun with her sister and how it was "too hot to do anything but get a rash." This is boring. He blah-blahs some more about how when the girl found out he was a "reverend," she started confessing to him about a one-night stand she had with a hotel concierge. Treat says that he's impressed, because the "reverend" has one disaster after another and is still "out there." Treat says he must be a glutton for punishment. The reverend says, "What can I say, Job is my hero." He starts to rub his eyes here, so we all know that he's this week's MEOW. Thanks for the tip! They start to watch the game. Treat cheers, "I'm now five bucks richer!" A rev who drinks and gambles? I like him. Treat tells him to hand the money over. The rev complains, but pays up. Y'all, this scene is so long and so duuuuuuuumb. Treat looks at the money and says, "You got something smaller?" The rev apologizes and says his vision gets a little blurry when he reads too much, and that he got into a "fight with Kierkegaard" earlier that afternoon. Yes, yes, we know. This is the beginning of the MEOW. Something with sight. Treat asks Rev if he needs new glasses, and Rev says he just needs to refill his eyedrops. Treat tells him to come get them from his office the day, so he can suggest running tests and we can all find out what's wrong with him. Yawn.

Ephram's picking up food from the diner. He starts to walk out, but Colin and Amy are sitting in a booth, and Colin calls him over. Because Colin looooves Ephram. Amy looks annoyed, as usual. Ephram says he doesn't want his family's food to be cold. Colin says, "Tell your dad it's my fault, man. Come on, sit down." Colin is persistent! Ephram acts like he doesn't want to, but you know he really does. He sits down with them. Colin and Amy are sitting on the same side of the booth, which I always thought was really weird. I mean, yeah, you get to be all touchy-feely, but you can't see to talk. What's the point, really? Anyway. Colin tells Ephram to bring "a mess of condoms" on the ski trip, because there's a long bus ride involved. HoYeah. Amy's all, "What, you're thinking about coming now?" Ephram says he might. Colin says that he has to, because according to Amy, it's like a nonstop party. Amy says that was before her dad decided to be the official chaperone. But whose fault is that, AMY? Somebody brings them the ticket, and Colin says he's going to "get this." He gets up to go pay, and Amy leans over to Ephram. She says he doesn't have to go just because Colin asked. He wants to know if there's a problem with that. Amy says it will be weird. Ephram: "No more weirder than usual." Aw. Amy says, "It's one thing when the three of us buddy up and have lunch at school, but three days in the mountains uninterrupted? That gives him a lot of time to figure out..." Ephram says the only thing they have in common now is Honors Chemistry. Yay, Ephram! Stand up to that bad girl! Amy brats, "It's not like you even wanted to go." Ugh. Shut up, Amy.

Colin comes back all excited. He says, "That was great! I got us the Coma Boy Discount." Ha! Shout-out! He says he gave them "the blank face," and he got the fries for free. I like it that Colin is finally seeing some humor in his situation. Plus, he's kind of funny when he's evil. Ephram laughs and says he's changed his mind, and that he wants to go on the ski trip. Amy glares at him. Colin says that he and Ephram could room together. Amy says she'll ask her dad, which she totally won't, because she's a spoiled little baby. Commercial break.

Brown House, at what looks to be ass-early in the morning. Treat tells Ephram he better get going, because he has to be at the church at six. Yep, ass-early. Treat asks Ephram since when is he Catholic? Ephram says ever since he bought GoreTex gloves yesterday. Hee. Treat says, "Then why are you going?" Ephram says it's a "power move." Treat nods, "Ah. What?" Ephram explains that Amy doesn't want him to go, so if he doesn't, it will be all about her and she'll know it, but if he does go, it will be all about him, so they'll be even again, or close. Treat says, "You know, I almost followed that." Heh.

We cut to a parking lot in front of the "Everwood Community Center." Patch is ordering everyone to line up for the bus. Oh, he's so enjoying this power. He has a bullhorn. Nice move, Principal Snyder. He snarks that he must have underestimated the kids' geometry grades, because they clearly don't understand what a line is. He sets down a garbage can to him by the bus door, and says, "Rest assured, there will be no hanky nor panky on this excursion, so all shenanigans can go right here in the trash bin." The redheaded who played Sherman "The Shermanator" in American Pie is standing behind Patch, filming it all with his camcorder. Patch stops a kid in one of those ugly ski hats, and searches his bag. He finds a giant shampoo bottle and says, "Well, now. Isn't this a rather large bottle of shampoo for one weekend? Whatever might this contain?" Amy and one of her friends are watching this from further back in the line, and the friend comments that Amy's dad is like a cop now. Amy agrees. Patch sniffs the "shampoo," and says, "Whew! Hardly any vermouth in there, huh?" He pours it out. Amy's friend bitches, "Why did you have to ruin the trip for everyone just so you could come?" Yeah, Amy. Why did you? Oh, yes. Because Patch is funny. He gets on the bus.

Sherman stops Amy and friend as they get on the bus, and asks them for "an ounce of [their] wit for the video yearbook?" They roll their eyes and tell him to shut it. I've never really liked this kid, either. His very presence gets on my nerves, and I guess it's supposed to, because he always plays the dorky kid who gets on everyone's nerves. Bright and ODB are standing in line, and Bright tells her he reserved them a seat in the back of the bus. ODB asks why. Bright says, "So we can make out." ODB: "Cool." Heh. Patch stops them before they board the bus and says he's reserved them seats in the front. He says, "We can decide which show tunes to play on the way up." Bright says, "Nah, we can sit with the kids in the back -- with the Bible." Patch doesn't think so, and says, "What do you think, Pippin or something a little more Sondheim?" Patch rules.

Treat's Office Of Eyeball MEOWs. He tells Rev that there are some deposits on his retina. He says he'll take pictures and send them to the lab so they can tell him he was wasting their time. Which won't happen, but whatever. He says the fun part is that he gets to dilate Rev's pupils. Rev asks Treat if he knows any good restaurants. Treat says, "Yeah, but they're all on the Upper West Side." He asks Rev how the heck he's meeting all the women he goes on dates with. As Treat dilates his eyes, Rev explains that he's been going to a bunch of singles mixers in Denver. Treat says, "You mean, like Get Everyone Together Who Can't Get Someone mixers?" Rev says they're actually not too bad -- he gets a few numbers, then goes to get pancakes at a restaurant down the block, which makes it all better. It's called The Mile-High Diner, and Rev is amazed that Treat has never been there to get a stack of pancakes the size of one's head. Mmmm, pancakes. Treat asks if Rev's eyes are dilated yet, and Rev says everything has a halo around it, and that Treat looks like Jesus. Treat: "I get that a lot." I just sat here and tried to make up a funny joke about that, but I can't. Feel free to make up your own "Treat looks like Jesus" joke here. No, I'll wait. Okay. Moving on, Rev tells Treat he should go to the mixer with him. Treat says he's not ready. The Rev says he doesn't have to "mix," that Treat could just be there for moral support. Treat rolls his eyes, and grudgingly agrees to go.

Cut to the ski trip bus, arriving at the fancy ski lodge amidst some really gorgeous scenery. Show tunes -- I think, I'm no expert -- play in the background. Patch already has his bullhorn out and yells at the kids to keep their "itineraries" handy. He says that presence and participation is required at ALL ski events, from "Fimo beads to song singalongs." Hee. Ephram tells Colin he thought Liza With a "Z" was punishment enough. Amy walks by and asks Colin to go for a walk with her after he checks in. Colin says that he and Ephram were going to go check out the pool. Yay! I love it when Colin likes Ephram better, because shouldn't everyone? Ephram has to be SO damn sweet, though; he tells Colin to go ahead with Amy, because he wants to go look around. He says he'll see them later, and Amy gets all happy. Bitch.

Bright's room. Three other boys are in there with him, including Sherman from earlier. He tells Bright that they just figured out how to get the TV to show scrambled porn. Bright: "Lucky me." Heh. He sets down his things, and tells Sherman, "Listen, Brain Tumor. There's only two reasons I'm staying in this room: One, I want the big bed." Sherman asks what bed he's talking about. Bright shoves the twin beds together. I love it when Bright's evil, too. He says, "I know you might have" -- here he makes the universal symbol for beating off, and yes, it's hilarious -- "some big plans for this evening, but mine take priority." Sherman: "Why?" Bright: "Because they're mine, and I'm better-looking." True, true. Bright says, "So unless the three of you think you could take me all together..." The boys look away. Bright says that's what he thought. Heh. And we can hear that the scrambled porn is still playing in the background. Good stuff.

Treat is walking Delia over to Nina's house. He's on the phone with her, telling her how much he appreciates her keeping Delia. He says maybe one day he can repay her with a triple bypass, and then they'll be even. Nina says, "But you don't realize I'm operating a sweatshop in the basement, and Delia is my BEST sewer." Nina's growing on me a little bit. Treat arrives at Nina's door, where she's standing, and says he thinks they can turn the phones off now. Nina says that Treat looks "all spiffy," and Delia tells Nina that her dad's going to "a thing." She asks where Sam is. Nina tells her he's inside, "eatin' cookie dough." Delia takes off. Aw. I said "More Delia, please!" last time, didn't I? Nobody ever listens to me. Nina asks Treat what kind of thing he's going to. Treat says it's no big, but that he told Rev he'd go to a singles mixer. Nina looks mortified, but says, "Oh! That's good." She says she's glad Treat and Rev are hanging out, that he's a good influence on Treat. Treat argues that he's just going to be nice, but that he's not "going going." Nina nods. Awkward silence. Finally, Treat asks Nina if he can go now. Nina says, "Go go, or just go?" Treat acts faux-annoyed, grins, and leaves.