Colin the Second

We open on a shot of the high school gym and a banner which reads: "State Basketball Champions, 1978, Peak County High." The basketball team practices while Irv tells us: "For the town of Everwood, basketball is like kindling. What happens on the court may be small -- insignificant to most -- but it fuels a much larger fire. The Peak County Miners take their game seriously. They've been district champions twice, and for one glorious season twenty-five years ago, they ruled the state." You had me at "kindling," Irv. You had me at "kindling."

The basketball coach, who looks like a poor man's Jeff Van Gundy, tells the team to quit pussyfooting around and play. He doesn't actually say "pussyfooting," but it's better than the sorry trash talk that comes out of his mouth. Irv continues: "But whether or not a title is at stake, they always come to play. Their fans demand it; their fans thrive on it. Let's face it, in the dead of winter, their fans have little else to cling to." Ooh, Colin's there. He's sitting on the bleachers with a stopwatch. His arm's still all slung up. He blows a whistle and calls time. So he's what, the team manager now? Okay.

Bright takes the ball down the court and makes a terrible pass. "Chest pass!" yells Van Gundy. Colin catches the ball and passes it back to Bright, grinning. Van Gundy tells Bright if he keeps playing like that, he might make the girls' field hockey team. Bright says he's on it. Except that he's not. They start to practice again, and Bright continues to suck. Colin calls time again. Van Gundy says some blah blah to the team, then turns to Colin. "Good work today, Hart. You've been a big help. Be back here tomorrow at three." Colin: "Yeah." He dribbles a ball outside into the hall, and stops at the school's trophy case. Colin stares at the case while Irv tells us, "For players and fans alike, the game is a crucible for our dreams..." A crucible? For our dreams? Sure thing, Irv. Colin looks sadly at himself in the year's team picture. Irv: "...both those that are realized, and those that go inexplicably awry." Colin starts to walk away, then screams in frustration and hurls the basketball at the trophy case. Xanax, anyone? The glass shatters, Colin storms away, and we fade to the credits.

Exterior shot of the Brown House. In the kitchen, Ephram reads a comic book and wears a very cute t-shirt. Delia asks, "Dad? What's rib-oh-flay-vin?" Treat know-it-alls, "Riboflavin, honey. It's a vitamin. Vitamin B2, actually. It's primary biological function is the regeneration of glutothione." Hee. Ephram: "Uh, good answer." Treat dumbs it down, and tells Delia it helps her grow. Ephram turns to a page in his comic book with a post-it note stuck to it. It has the name "Agatha Schnitzler" on it, and a phone number. Ephram asks his dad if he's trying to set him up again, "'cause she sounds hot." Treat tells Ephram it's the name of a piano teacher. Ephram tells his dad, "You're going to have to stop doing this. You're messing up the resale value on my Manga." Aw. He peels the post-it note carefully away from the page. Treat tells Ephram that he could always use email, or instant messaging. Ephram begs him not to, please. Treat says that "Agatha" comes highly recommended. Ephram: "By who, Gus from the body shop or that drug salesman that gave you all the Prozac pens?" Ephram's funny. Treat tells him to cut it out. Ephram argues that he's not taking lessons from just anyone who happens to own a metronome, and that he'd like a teacher who knows the difference between the black keys and the white keys. Treat says if he doesn't start playing again, that could be him. He says Ephram hasn't been playing, just messing around, and that he's not going to force Ephram to call anyone. Ephram: "Good." Treat asks Ephram when he'll be home. Ephram says he'll be there at the usual time, unless the "schoolyard pusher has some good stuff." Treat laughs a little bit. Ephram leaves.

Crap. Buzzkill Amy butts in. "Hey, Colin! Hey, Ephram." She asks Colin if she can talk to him for a second...ALONE. Whatever. Suddenly, two of her friends run up, spazzing about how she and Colin "got Homecoming King and Queen!!!!!!" Ew. Colin asks how they "won." Amy's friend Super-Bitch says that Colin totally pulled the sympathy vote, but who cares, because he and Amy are THE BOMB!!! I wish I had a bomb. Colin snarks, "Hear that, Ephram? We're the bomb." Ephram congratulates them.

Diner. Patch Abbott asks Treat if he's met Carl yet. Treat says he has. Patch says that Carl is like "Everwood's version of Tom Cruise." Just as I thought -- Carl is, indeed, Satan's minion. Oh, and a Scientologist, I guess. Patch says he supposes that certain women are attracted to Carl's type -- rugged, handsome, young... Treat says, "Why don't you ask him out, Harold?" Hee. Yeah, Harold. Why don't you just go ahead and MARRY him, then? It's weird seeing Treat and Patch eat lunch together.

Carl is at the diner, too, eating lunch with Nina. Patch leans over and asks him if he's looking forward to the "big game." Carl says he wouldn't miss it. Patch informs us that Carl won the district championship back in '84. Carl says he had a little help. Patch calls it "the most miraculous sporting moment he's ever seen, BAR NONE." Treat wants to know about it. Carl acts like he doesn't want to, but he totally does. You know the type. The obnoxious kind. He "reluctantly" "agrees" to tell the story: The team was down by four with fifty-eight seconds to go, but Carl just knew they were going to win. He stands up and starts to act it out: "...off a rebound, I drive to the baseline, and get the ball to Jackson Lang. He's wide open!" Patch Abbott: "Jackson couldn't hit the ocean from a rowboat." Carl: "Unfortunately, Jackson couldn't hit the ocean from a rowboat." Carl continues with his story: Jackson shoots, misses; Carl catches the rebound, and shoots. Patch Abbott: "Nothin' but net." Carl: "Nothin' but net." God. We get it. You've heard the story before. Carl keeps on telling the story, and Patch keeps on saying what Carl's going to say before he says it. I refuse to continue transcribing it, too, because Carl is a total tool and I can't understand why Patch loves him so much. We all know what happens, anyway: Carl shoots again to tie the game, the game goes to OT, and then Carl shoots AGAIN to win the game with one second left in overtime. Ball hog, much? The entire diner claps. Patch Abbott beams. Treat laughs heartily. I throw up on my clean floor. Carl says some other crap to Nina about how she was there, too, and hugs her. She tells him she missed him, and the scene blessedly ends.

Treat's office. He's telling Colin and his mom how great Colin's progress has been. He says that the right side weakness is subsiding. Colin says to tell that to his right side. Treat says that this is where medicine becomes more of an art than a science, and that Colin's brain has been able to re-route the pathways he uses for walking and talking. He says he isn't sure what repairs will take place . Colin says, "You're supposed to be the best there is, and you can't tell me when I'm supposed to get better?" Colin's mother excuses this assy behavior by saying that Colin is "a little frustrated." I'll say. Didn't his Mama teach him how to ackrite in front of adults? Treat asks Colin how his moods have been lately. Colin says they're fine. Mommy Hart says that he wasn't laughing much at first. Colin repeats that his moods have been fine. Uh huh. If by "fine" you mean "bitchy and hateful." Treat says Colin has to go back to Denver for another check-up. Colin doesn't wanna. Treat says that since he was released from the hospital so early, and is even back in school -- which is unusual for someone in Colin's position -- the trips to Denver are non-negotiable. Colin rolls his eyes out of his head, and sighs heavily. Treat asks Colin for a minute alone with his mom.

Basketball practice. Coach Van Gundy tells the boys to hit the showers, but calls Bright over to see him first. He tells Bright they need to talk. Van Gundy tells Bright that he's sympathetic about all that he's been through, but that his game is "suspect." Bright says he knows. Van Gundy says he can't let him start. Bright says that's not fair. Van Gundy: "You're forcing your shots, you're not playing within our offense, you've been turning the ball over way too much." Then he tells Bright to put some mustard on that pass, and Bright chokes the living shit out of him and goes to play for the Knicks. Wait, that was the other Sprewell. Anyway, Bright says that he just needs to get his rhythm back "without -- I just need to find my rhythm." Van Gundy looks away. He says, "We all miss Colin. He was a good player with a lot of heart, but he's not playing this year...and right now you're throwing us off. You wanna keep talking about this?" Bright says he doesn't. Van Gundy leaves, and Bright's left alone in the gym. So sad.

Brown house. Ephram and Colin are studying. Ephram pulls another post-it note off his fancy-ass Titanium PowerBook. He tells Colin that it's his dad's idea of being clever. "Matthew Lansing. That sound like the name of a good piano teacher?" Colin says he has no idea. Ephram explains to Colin that the way they can learn the history dates is to make a list of the events in chronological order, memorize the list, and then visualize it. He has on a black zip-up jacket that says "Brooklyn" on it. I want it. No, I want him in it. No, I want the jacket more. Cute clothes or cute boys? It's a weighty decision. Colin says it's a shame Ephram hasn't ever been in a coma, because he would have done great in rehab. Ephram tells Colin to copy down the dates from 1868-1900. Colin hesitates, and Ephram asks him if he needs to take a break. Colin says they haven't done anything yet. Ephram says the deal is, they'll work for fifteen minutes, and then reward themselves with cold pizza. Colin thinks this is a good plan.

Treat yells for Ephram from outside. He gets up and tells Colin he'll be right back, and to start writing down the dates. Ephram goes outside, where Treat says he needs him to hand him things while he's on the ladder. Ephram: "You sure that's wise?" Treat: "Just humor me." Ephram yells to Colin that he'll be right there, and Treat expresses his surprise that Colin's at their house. He asks Ephram how Colin's doing, and Ephram says, "I'm his friend, not his shrink." Ah, more pleasant father and son repartee. Ephram says they're studying for a test, and Treat is incredulous that Colin is taking a test at all. He tells Ephram that it's a bad idea, and will just frustrate him. Ephram says, "He asked me to help him." Treat says helping him study for a test won't do any good, since he shouldn't even be in school. Ephram says that everybody has nothing but bad news for Colin, and if he wants to take a stupid test, he's going to help him. Ephram is the sweetest, isn't he? Treat sort of agrees, and climbs the ladder.

Ephram returns to the study table to find that Colin has written about half a sentence. Uh-oh. Reading bad. Writing bad. Colin give up. Ephram pretends he doesn't notice, and A Mournful Guitar Of Shameful Illiteracy plays in the background.

Ooh, the Osbournes on the Pepsi Twist commercial! I love those crazy kids.

History class. The teacher hands back their tests. Ephram got a C+. The teacher tells him if he keeps going like he is, he can give average a run for its money. Nice. She hands Colin his test. It's an A. Oh, man. Ephram tells Colin that time Colin will have to help him out. Colin doesn't buy it. He asks Ephram to check his test against his own. Ephram looks at Colin's test; it's filled with scratch-outs and unintelligible scribbles. Poor Colin. The second page is completely blank. Ephram pretends it's great. He hands Colin's test back to him and says, "Okay. I'm an idiot." I love that boy.

Abbott House. Patch Abbott tells Bright to hurry up, because the game starts in less than an hour. Bright says he doesn't think they care what time "non-playing players" get there. Patch says that the bench is an integral part of the team. Bright: "Yeah, the part that the other team makes fun of." Heh. Patch says Bright will get just as many cheers if he scores coming off the bench as he would if he started. Bright says ever since Colin's been gone, he's sucked. He says the only way he starts is if Colin is playing, and if not, Bright's on the bench. Patch sighs. He asks Bright if he misses Colin. Bright says, "We were like our own team within a team -- Michael and Scottie. Except, shorter. And whiter." Hee! Patch says, "Well, if Michael fouled out, Scottie didn't just stop playing, did he?" Bright says he guesses not. Patch tells Bright that it's okay for him to be good without Colin. Bright says things will be a lot better as soon as Colin just gets back to his old self. Patch Abbott, who knows this is never going to happen, ever, but doesn't want to upset his son before the big game, just nods. "Grab your coat, let's go. Come on!"

Brown House Of Deception And Tomfoolery. Treat sneaks into the kitchen with a new post-it note. He's about to put it in Ephram's bag, but Delia busts him. He hides the note in his pocket. Delia says she wants some milk, and maybe a cookie. Or two. Cutie. Treat reminds her that she's going to eat at the game, and Delia says that she might not eat until halftime, and wants to be "fully stocked." She notices the note in Treat's front pocket, and says, "Another piano teacher?" Treat complains that he can't get Ephram to call even one of the piano teachers. Delia asks, "Why don't you just make him do it?" Treat replies that kids resent it when parents do that. Delia says, "Mom would have just yelled at him." Treat: "No way." Delia nods. Yes, way, Treat. He says, "Ephram, really?" Delia says she did it all the time. Treat asks her if their mom yelled at her. Delia says, "Not as much, but I'm easier to handle." This kid is the shit, is she not? Delia offers her dad a cookie, and they share a cute little moment. I'm such a sucker.