The Price of Fame

And now, before we begin: A delightful little post I found on WB's Everwood forums. In a thread concerning whether Emily VanCamp and Gregory Smith smoked, "SerendipityNy16" had this to say:

i have many pet peeves,and smoking is one of them. Smoking in my opinion is just straight out disgusting. They might as well put a big sign on the cigarrette box saying" Smoke me and you'll shorten your life span" People are so ignorant when they smoke cigarrettes, don't they get it? Smoking may "sooth" your nerves or whatever,but they're just causing more harm to your body.

Wow. Thanks for the PSA, Stupendipity. I'm no "soothesayer," but I think a smoke right now would really "sooth" my nerves.

Previously on Everwood, Amy finds out that Colin's coming home; yep, that's about it.

We open on a poker game in progress. Irv tells us, "At the heart of every tale is the hero who inspired it. Legends whose names are known, whose lives we remember, whose stories we pass onDr. Brown was a legend in his own right by the time he came to Everwood, but he wasn't the only one." The camera pans around the table: Edna, Irv, Delia -- who all seem to have pretty shitty hands -- and a strange blonde lady. The other legend, presumably. She has a full house. She says, "Wait until I tell Uta, she'll be thrilled!" Treat asks, "You studied acting under Uta Hagen?" Blonde lady: "Not acting, dahling...poker!" Uh, whatever. Edna says to tell everyone about the time they met Jack Lemmon in "the john." Irv tells Delia, "She was in the men's room." Delia giggles. Uta's Poker Proteg tells the story that she was in a restaurant, and accidentally walked into the men's room, where "Mister Jack Lemmon himself" was just finishing up his business. She was so embarrassed that she stood there waiting for him to finish "zipping up," then said, "Well...nobody's perfect!" Delia says she doesn't get it. I don't get it either, and even if I did, it still wouldn't be funny. Treat explains to Delia that it's the last line from an old movie. Yeah. Still not funny.

Uta's Girl follows Treat into the kitchen for some water, and tells him how beautiful his home is. Treat thanks her and asks her why she came to Everwood. She says that she was living in New York when a friend asked her to direct a stock production at the "opera house." Huh? Everwood has an opera house? No, it does not. Uta's Girl says she was only going to stay the summer...twelve years ago. Of course, because giving up a glamorous life in New York for a tiny town in the middle of nowhere is something every young actress longs to do! I smell foreshadowing, and it's not very appetizing. Uta's Girl goes on to say that she directs shows in Denver occasionally and teaches classes, but every winter she directs a musical, right there in Everwood! Edna is her stage manager, and she tells Treat that he simply has to audition. The play this year is The King and I. Treat says he hasn't done a musical since high school, and that he wasn't very good -- he couldn't remember his lines. Uta's Girl does this little laugh-cough thing, and excuses herself. Treat tells her to stop by his office tomorrow to get it checked out. What, her laugh? She didn't even sound sick to me. Treat's a genius! Uta says she's fine. That's right, I'm just calling her Uta now. I know it doesn't make any sense. Plus, it's a funny name. Who's writing this recap anyway? She concedes that she'll stop by Treat's office if he tries out for her play. Treat says he's not wearing "balloon pants," but he'll think about it.

Irv wants to play another hand, but Treat says that Delia has to go to bed. Delia says to Uta, "It was nice meeting you, Evelyn." Ah, so that's her name. Not anymore, it isn't. And secondly, I don't think it's appropriate for someone Delia's age to be calling an adult she just met by her first name. If I can still call my best friend's mom "Miss Ann," I certainly think that Delia could show her elders a little respect. Also, I'm fifty-seven years old. Uta asks Delia if she's trying out for her musical. Delia shrugs. Uta gushes, "But you have such expressive eyes, you'd be a natural!" Delia: "I have expressive eyes?" Uta: "You've got to be kidding! Nicole Kidman would kill for those peepers!" Gag. I know I'm supposed to like this Uta/Evelyn lady, but she's killing me with the melodrama. Like, Delia's eyes are very pretty, but enough with the histrionics, Sharon Stone. Uta asks Delia if she sings. Treat proud-daddies behind Delia, "She has a beautiful voice -- takes after her mother that way." Uta says, "Okay, it's agreed. Auditions this week and don't you forget!" Except for the part where Delia agreed, but whatever. She thanks Uta, and Treat trots her off to bed, booming, "And just like that, a STAR is born!" Delia tells her dad he has to buy her sheet music first thing tomorrow. Treat: "And the star's assistant." Is this scene over?

Whew. Credits. Mmm, Stoli Vanil and Coke.

Colin stands on the sidewalk, looking lobotomized high as a kite sleepy. Bright and Amy pull up. Amy jumps out and over-enthuses, "Hey! Ready for your first day of school?" Colin says, "Sure. What's that?" Amy is holding a red and gold jacket, which she tells Colin is his "Miners jacket," and that he might want to wear it for his first day. Colin, again, says, "Sure." Awesome scriptwork, you guys! Colin gets in, and Bright guns it. No, he totally does. I guess they were late.

School grounds. Bright, Amy, Colin, and Amy's super-bitchy friend from episodes of bitchiness walk in slow motion towards the school, with Music of Badassery playing in the background. They're cool! They're popular! They're all back together again now that Coma Boy's here! Bright keeps telling people to get out of the way, that his "brotha has returned." Ew. Amy is explaining Colin's schedule to him, telling him who his teachers are. She says, "We have Mrs. Chapman for Journalism. She's not nice at all unless she likes you, of course, and then you're golden." Colin asks, "Does she like me?" Amy tells him, "Everyone likes you, Colin." Aw. Amy says she'll show him where homeroom is.

Eeeeeee!phram and his annoying little friend Wendell are walking their bikes up to the school. Wendell says it's weird seeing Amy and Colin together again. Ephram says he wouldn't know. He looks cold. I should probably take him a jacket. Wendell says he knows Ephram is "feeling kinda destroyed right now," but that he's "here for you, buddy." Ephram wants to know why he would be feeling destroyed. Wendell says that Ephram has just been holding Colin's place in line, and that he wasted all that time on Amy for nothing. Ephram says it wasn't for nothing. Wendell agrees that it was just a "practice crush. Now you can spend your time on somebody more your speed." Ephram: "Shut up, Wendell." Everyone else: "Shut up, Wendell."

Everwood Opera House of Suspended Disbelief. Patch Abbott is standing outside, warming up his voice. "Miney miney miney miney miiiine. Theophilus Thistle, the successful thistle sifter, sifting a sieve full of unsifted thistles." Hee. He wishes a few people some totally insincere good luck, and continues warming up: "Me me me me me me me me meeeee." Edna interrupts him to ask why he's there so early, because he's not auditioning until four. He says that he's scheduled for a three o'clock audition, Mother, and she says it's too bad that she wrote him down for four. Patch Abbott: "Mommy mommy mommy mommy mommm..."

As Delia and Treat walk up to the "Opera House," Treat tells Delia that she's looking at one of the oldest theatres in Colorado. Uh huh. Delia says it looks like a picture. She wonders if the theatre has regular toilets, because they might not have had them in the "olden days." Patch Abbott overhears, and interrupts, "If this is the result of home schooling, I'd reconsider your options." Treat says he takes it that Patch is auditioning. Patch calls it a "formality, but yes." Delia remarks that Dr. Abbott doesn't seem scared at all. Patch tells them smugly that he's played the lead in every winter musical for the last six years. Treat: "I bet you made a great Gypsy." Patch Abbott tells Treat that he's sure Evelyn will find him a great place in the chorus.

Uta breezes up just then, doing her best Audrey Hepburn impression in sunglasses and a scarf, and says that there's room in her musical for EVERYONE! Patch tells her it's wonderful to see her, and she gushes, "Are my eyes deceiving me, or have you lost weight since last year?" Patch Abbott says he's "increased the cardio." Random townsperson Brenda runs up to KissAsselyn, who tells Brenda, "You look more radiant every time I see you!" What is UP with her, seriously? Brenda wants Uta to look over her music selection, as does Delia. Uta says she'll help them after she's had time to "settle in."

Treat follows Uta inside, of course. He tells her that they need to talk. She tells him that he can sing "Happy Birthday" if he doesn't have a song prepared. Treat informs her that she missed her follow-up appointment. She apologizes, and suggests they meet later. Treat says they should. Uta "very well"s him and walks off. Treat stares blankly after her, in what appears to be excruciating pain. Meow?

The high school. Colin and Ephram are in the bathroom. Colin says to Ephram, "I know you." Ephram says that he's new here, so probably not. Colin does too know him: "You're Ephram Brown, the kid from New York." Ephram, meet your newest stalker. Ephram says, "That's me." Colin says he knows all about Ephram. My boyfriend looks tragic, as he should. He says, "You shouldn't waste your Google time on me, all right? I'm not that interesting." Colin says, "Bright told me about you...your dad saved my life. I met him a few times in rehab. He's the one that did the operation, right?" Ephram says, "That's what Bright told you?" Colin says, "That's what everyone told me. They said he's some kind of a genius." Ephram: "He likes to think so." Oh, ow. I thought they were getting along? Colin continues, "Well, you're cool with me. It's nice to meet you, Ephram." Ephram looks like he'd rather be eating cow anus on Fear Factor than having this conversation. He reluctantly shakes Colin's hand. I love the way his eyes are all puffy, like he cries about not being able to meet me in person every day.

Treat's office. Uta is, once again, kissing some ass -- and trying to buy herself some time before she learns that she's the MEOW -- by asking Dr. Brown where he was last year when she was building the set of "Brigadoon," he's done THAT GOOD of a job on his office! Treat: "Why don't you sit down, Evelyn?" Uta doesn't want to. She blathers on about the pretty, pretty office, his family pictures, your children are beautiful, great audition, blah blah blah procrastination-cakes. Treat says he has the results of her bloodwork, and he's sorry to tell her..."I think you'll be very happy with the role I've chosen for you!" Uta interrupts. Give it a rest, lady. Treat tries to go on, "Evelyn, what I'm trying to tell you is --" Evelyn, again with the interrupting: "That I have leukemia?" GAH. As MEOWs go, this one is by far the most unbelievable and unnecessary. It's just an excuse for a) an actual medical condition in this episode, and b) wackiness to ensue. And it shows, my friends. Uta tells Treat that she's been down this road before. He says he didn't know. Uta says that nobody in Everwood knows, because the real reason she came here was to die. This is after she had been "cast as a lead opposite Julie Harris in a production at Lincoln Center," of course. She abandoned the play, moved to Everwood to die, and miraculously got better. Jesus. What , she's actually a member of the Raelian Revolution, and her fancy alien genes aided in her remission? And THAT is when her cousin suggested that Uta direct the winter production. "You see, Doctor? I came here to die, and instead ended up living the best years of my life." Gag me with a cocktail spoon.

Treat pulls that little grin and nod we're all so fond of, and I'm not pointing any fingers at Sars and my husband, but crushes on Treat are just weird. ["No need to remind me." -- Sars] He tells Uta that what they're going to do now is to get her to an oncologist right away for a bone marrow aspiration and chemo. He keeps talking about treatment and trials and you can tell that Uta doesn't care at all. She asks if Edna knows. Treat says he hasn't told her. Uta tells Treat that he "mustn't tell anyone. Promise me." Treat won't. Uta says she better go make some phone calls, and makes sure he's going to be at rehearsal tomorrow. "You bet!" Treat beams. Uta tells him he's going to be great, and leaves to make some phone calls to her damn agent for making her play this ridiculous role. Commercial.

Andy Brown's Office of Really Dumb Ailments. Treat greets Edna good morning; Edna greets him back with, "Mighty cold day in hell, Sarge." Oh, how I've missed you, Feisty Nurse Edna. She's reading a letter of some sort, and informs Treat, "Evelyn flew the coop." She tells Treat that Uta went back to New York: "Something about helping her sister move, spending more time with her nephew." Treat asks when she left the letter. Edna says it was under her doorstep that morning. She says it's not like Evelyn to do something like this. "Why?" Edna wants to know. "Did you know anything about this?" Treat keeps his lips zipped. He says he's sure she'll be back. Edna says that Uta wants her to direct the play, and that "obviously the woman has lost her mind." Treat thinks it's a great idea for Edna to direct the play. Edna snarks, "Are you self-medicating again? If some person wearing all black asks me what's their motivation, I'm liable to smack 'em." Treat tells Edna that directing is just bossing people around and making them do things her way, and nobody does that better than she does. Edna says, "Nice try, but your sweet talk won't work with me." She says she bosses people around without the fancy title. Treat says she's a born leader, and that's why Evelyn knows she can do it. Edna: "I did pick up a few things from my 'Rumble in the Jungle' -- do you think that would apply?" Treat tells her that as long as she doesn't ask the cast to make necklaces out of people's ears, she'll do fine. Edna says that Treat will even be there to help, since he's been cast as the King of Siam. Treat is incredulous. He says there must be a mistake. Edna just wants to know whether they should shave his head or get him a bald cap. Edna's funny.

High school cafeteria. Wendell is yammering about something totally irrelevant, and Ephram tells him to shut up. No, he doesn't, but I want him to. They're going to sit down when Colin calls over to Ephram that he saved him a seat. At the cool kids' table, apparently, since Amy, Bright, and Super-Bitch are all sitting there. Ephram starts to decline, but Wendell tells him that if he says no, it's like "saying no to free comics, or like saying no to making out with Gwyneth Paltrow." There's something I wouldn't decline, either, and I'll tell you that for free. The Gwyneth part, I mean. I don't know anything about comics. Ephram's all, "Whatever, man. Okay," and goes to sit with these people who are about to be gigantic jackasses to him, I'm sure. Wendell says to bring him back a souvenir.

Ephram sits down. Colin says, "You all know Ephram, right?" Bright: "Sure...we do. How's it goin', dude?" I love me some Bright Abbott. Ephram looks too uncomfortable to live. Ephram: "'s goin' good. How's it goin' with you?" Bright: "Good! Thanks for asking." I love how Colin has no idea what's going on. Ephram rips Bright's throat out with his eyes. I know about something else he can rip...dammit. I promised myself to keep the Eeeee!phram love to a minimum, but I just can't do it, y'all. Super-Bitch tells Amy to scoot over because she's suffocating her. It's just the two of them on that side of the table. She's such a whore. I don't even know what she's trying to accomplish. Amy nearly whispers, "Hey Ephram." Colin says, "You guys obviously know each other." Amy says -- and here's where I have to kick her little ass -- "No, no, not really. Not so much." Ephram's expression is a mixture of the sadness and pain that I could totally help him with if he'd just return my phone calls. Colin mentions that they're both sophomores, so she and Ephram must have some classes together. Ephram rescues Amy, even though he shouldn't, with, "I rarely attend class." Super-Bitch butts in, "But he does go on field trips." Shut up, girlie. Amy kicks her under the table, then gets up and says she needs a drink. Excellent idea. She says, "You want anything from the vending machines, Colin?" Colin says he's fine, then stops her. "Wait up," he says. "Ephram, do you want anything?" Amy gives them both a hateful look. Ephram says he's good, even though he's really not -- he's horribly BAD, because Amy is MEAN. Colin and Ephram look at Amy at the same time, and she walks away.

Opera House. The cast is getting ready for their rehearsal. A little boy tells Delia that he can't believe she gets to be Anna's son, because it's not fair. Delia says, "It's fair. I have expressive eyes." More Delia, please. Patch Abbott marches in demanding to see Evelyn. Irv says, "Hello, Harold. Good to see you." Irv's too sweet to Patch. He could definitely take his scrawny ass; I don't know why he's so nice. Patch says he has to see Evelyn at once, because there's been a bad mistake. "The script I received has 'Chorus/King's Understudy' written on the front!" Irv tells Patch it's not a mistake. Patch says, "Who could be...?" and then catches sight of Treat on stage. Treat condescends, "Remember, Harold. There are no small parts, only small actors." Patch says whoever coined that phrase wasn't an understudy in a community theatre production. He demands again to see Evelyn, and Feisty Nurse Edna arrives to tell them that Evelyn won't be there today. Brenda says, "Well, who's our director?" Feisty Nurse Edna: "You're lookin' at her, cupcake." Heh. Edna tells them that Evelyn had a family emergency and put her in charge until she returned. Edna barks, "Now listen up, people, and listen up good. You all know my husband Irv. He will be operating as my stage manager." Irv finds this amusing; everyone else but Treat is in shock. Edna continues, "If he sees anyone bringing food or beverage into this establishment, he has my full permission to kick some thespian butt. This includes children." The little boy from before runs away. Aw. Scared kids are funny. Edna tells the cast to commence with the read-through, and they all stand there wondering what hit them.

Bright is dropping Colin off from school. Bright tells Colin he'll pick him up "tomorrow. 7:30?" Colin tells Bright he doesn't have to keep driving him to school every day. Bright says that they always came together. I'm not even going to make the joke that I should right here. It's too easy. Colin says if it's not out of Bright's way, that would be good. Bright says that it will all start coming back to Colin, as long as they get into the groove, and stick to their old routine -- "the way it used to be." Colin wants to know what Bright means. Bright says, "Like, with lunch and everything. We have a pretty set table. Maybe if we keep it the same way, you'll have a better shot of jarring up those old memories." Oh, Bright. How can you disappoint me like this? Colin says, "You mean Ephram?" Bright says that Ephram isn't like them, or like Colin. He says it's like "ketchup and peanut butter. Really bad." Colin says that whatever Bright has against Ephram, he's going to have to let it go, because "as far as I'm concerned he's one of us now." Colin, you know I didn't mean it about you looking stoned or stupid or whatever, right? I was totally drunk when I said that. I was just kidding! Love you! Colin tells Bright to "work it out," and gives him a little "chin up!" grin.