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Previously on Everwood, my stupid TiVo cut off the previouslies. Fortunately for all of us, Sars's TiVo is smarter than mine, so she hooked me up. So, previously on Everwood, according to Sars: "Colin and Amy hung out; Amy stared at Colin with a tube in his mouth; Dr. Brown said that Colin 'came through very well'; Colin stared at Amy all 'who the hell?' and then she asked a nurse how long before he remembered her, and the nurse said he might have to 'start from scratch.'" I love it when other people do my work for me.
We open on close-up shots of pretty flowers, as Irv intones, "When you think about the flora and fauna that populate this once barren rock of ours..." Wait, wait, wait. Hold up. I don't even know what that MEANS, and this is the third second of the show. I predict that I will hate the rest of the narration, if this is how it's all going to be. And I'm right. Irv drones on some more about how plants are pretty, they're important, they're useful, blah blah. The camera pulls back, and we're in a flower shop. A cross-eyed old lady smiles and stands behind the register. Irv just called plants "God's most alluring foot-soldiers." Oh my GOD. The writers hate us. Cross-eyed old lady pins a boutonniere on a kid in formal wear. We learn that "Irma Fredonia" opened her flower shop the week after Pearl Harbor was bombed, because she said, "The world needs more beauty now." Irv tells us that nothing important ever happened in Everwood without "Irma's fragrant touch." That's kind of icky, isn't it? Uh-oh. "Until...now." Oh no, what's happened to Irma?
Well, she's either dead, or the folks at Chanel sold her some very unflattering foundation. Yep, she's dead. She's lying in her bed, and someone covers her with her top sheet. It's Treat! Treat with a sheet. That's right, you know you envy my poetic prowess. A woman, presumably Irma's daughter, thanks Treat for coming, and says she didn't want to call an ambulance just to pronounce her. Treat worries, "I wish I could have done something. I didn't even know she was sick." A man who must be Irma's son says that they didn't know Irma was sick either, that she called both of them earlier that morning to say she wasn't "feeling well." Except, it's "feeling good." Not that Irma is, or anything. They found her dead later that day. Treat says he wishes he could have known Irma better, and that she was only in his office once. His voice sounds...um, kind of sexy. I wonder if he has a cold. Treat tells Irma's children he'll call the funeral home for them if they want, and walks outside to do that for them.
Treat makes the call in Irma's back yard, which is filled with tons of flowers and plants, and...hey! A greenhouse! Crazy rasta music starts up as Treat walks in, and y'all know what's coming, don't you? The greenhouse is FULL OF POT. We're talking major kindbud, here, people. I totally can't believe I just said "kindbud." Irv says something here, but it's unimportant, because the good part is the absolutely delighted look on Treat's face as he realizes what he's discovered. Irv: "Some spirits were lifted a little higher than others." Ooh, yah, mon.
Credits. Still liking them. Shut up.
Vegetative State
“ Rose wants to stay home alone, but Patch doesn't want her alone in the house with all the pot, because he's probably scared that she'll try to blaze up a doobie. Y'all, I love that I'm getting to say all this cheesy drug lingo. ”
More reggae. Irma Tokesalot's body is being loaded into a hearse. Her kids look mortified, so I guess they've found out about their mom's little "hobby." Treat tells Rose Abbott, "Somewhere Jerry Garcia is weeping." Yeah, Jerry and the entire staff of High Times. I'm no expert, but this looks like some damned fine marijuana, kids. Mrs. Abbott is real dumb, because she says, "I just don't know what Irma was doing with all this marijuana!" Treat says, "Well, I can guess what she was doing with some of it." Heh.
Irma's daughter tells the police officer they've apparently had to call that it was a total shock to them. The officer asks her what he should do with the giant handful of joints he's holding. Irma's daughter says she'll get a baggie from the kitchen. I can't believe they're not even going to try it. Come on! They did it on Roseanne -- they can do it in Everwood, can't they? The officer offers to take the live plants off to burn them somewhere, but Rose Abbott, who is the mayor of this town, dammit, thinks that they should hold on to the pot until they figure out what's going on. The officer says that the Everwood Police Station's evidence room is "a box with an 'E' on it." He tells Rose to decide where to take it, and that he'll do whatever she says. Rose gets a wily look on her face, and we cut to...
The Abbott House Of Official Marijuana Storage. Patch Abbott is livid. He tells Rose that this is their home, not "Willie Nelson's dressing room." Hee. Bright looks pleased, as he should, and says that "this is totally great," as he slurps a huge bowl of cereal. Patch tells him to get out, because this is "government business." Even Bright doesn't fall for that, but he leaves anyway. Rose tells Patch to cool it, because Irma can't die with her reputation sullied. Patch says that he doesn't care if Irma Fredonia was held hostage by a Colombian drug cartel, because having a bunch of pot in their house is unacceptable. Rose looks miffed, and the officer hands Dr. Abbott the last little baggie of joints. He tells Patch not to "smoke them all in one place," and I laugh my ass off. Patch makes a remark about inappropriate humor, and the policeman leaves. I think, personally, that the officer's humor was entirely appropriate, Patch. Like, lighten up, duuuuuude.
Rose wants to stay home alone, but Patch doesn't want her alone in the house with all the pot, because he's probably scared that she'll try to blaze up a doobie. Y'all, I love that I'm getting to say all this cheesy drug lingo. Patch says that he's staying home with her today, and they walk into the living room, where Amy's just getting off the phone. She wears a look of shock -- or a mild learning disability, whichever you like -- on her face, and tells her parents that the Harts just called, and that Colin is coming home. Oh, man. Just when Ephram was getting somewhere, too.
“ Bright says he wants a 'beverage,' and Patch tells him that the kitchen's closed. He says that he 'may not be up on the latest rap, DOGGIE,' but that he wasn't born yesterday. What in the hiz-nell does that mean, Patch, my brotha, yo? ”
Peak County High School. So that's the name of it. Ephram "My Boyfriend, And I Write the Recaps, So I Get First Call, Bitches" Brown watches as a crowd of people huddles around Amy, chatting. Ephram asks an anonymous guy what's going on, and he says that there's a welcome home party for Colin being planned. Ephram: "Of course there is." Anonymous Guy tells Ephram that his dad rocks, and Ephram agrees, even though what he'd really like is to rip both Anonymous Guy's AND Treat's throats out. Amy's "friend," the one who uninvited Ephram from her party, and who is also a gigantic bitch, walks by and snarks at Ephram, "Out with the new, in with the old. Nice not getting to know you." She does that little lilt at the end of her sentences that makes me want to rip her throat out. Piano Of Poignancy plays as Ephram blushes. Oh, snap! Ephram looks forlornly at Amy and walks away.
Cut to the hospital. Coma Boy's doctor is telling Treat what a remarkable recovery CB has made. He says that with the exception of slight paralysis in his right arm and some "transient aphasia," he's pretty normal. Andy looks skeptical. The doctor tells him that he performed a miracle, and Andy says he doesn't want to categorize it as such just yet.
Treat finds Coma Boy's parents, and they thank him profusely for helping their son. Treat looks over, and here comes Colin, with a sling on his arm and a stick up his ass. Um, I mean, he looks really stoned. Stupid. Sad. I'm trying to be nice, here. Treat asks Colin if he's ready to go home. Colin, who must still be under the influence of a coma, nods his head no. Yet, the word that comes out of his mouth is, "Yeah." Looks like a medical miracle to me!
Oh my God, a chubby, peroxide-blonde Corey Feldman brushing his teeth with a spin brush. What the hell is the WB thinking? The Surreal Life, indeed.
Abbott House Of Fine Young Cannabis. Mayor Rose is on the phone, saying something about the DEA. Patch Abbott is looking nervously out the window. He jerks the blinds open and looks out again. Rose asks what he's looking for. He says, "Trouble." Mayor Rose says, "With a capital T that rhymes with P and that stands for 'pot'?" Patch says that she can joke, but once word gets around, every "dope fiend and pothead within fifty miles'll come sniffin' around." Ha! I'm sure the Escalade with the gangstas inside will be showing up any minute now, Patch. Rose tells him that it's not catnip; nobody's going to be rolling around stoned in the yard. Patch interrupts her to stop Bright on his way to the kitchen. Bright says he wants a "beverage," and Patch tells him that the kitchen's closed. He says that he "may not be up on the latest rap, DOGGIE," but that he wasn't born yesterday. What in the hiz-nell does that mean, Patch, my brotha, yo? Amy walks through with her own beverage, and says, "Dad, get a grip. Pot's not supposed to make you paranoid until after you smoke it." Hee. Patch yells up the stairs, "That better be hearsay, young lady! You! HEY!" Poor Patch. No respect.